Feeling Hopeless a Tisha bAv writing

I dont have difficulties connecting to grief on Tisha BAv. I feel the fallen status of our nation oh too clearly. However I do struggle with hope. It just feels so hopeless. I come from a very Chashiveh family. Do a Shidduch with my family, and you feel like you surely got into the most elite circle of Klal Yisroel. And yet.., I was molested by my esteemed grandfather, (mothers father,) for years while I was growing up. I did my healing. I was in therapy for years. And I now feel complete with my past. As paradoxical as it sounds, I feel I truly can see on some level the blessings that resulted from the experience; the experience of needing to do all this healing work which now serves to enrich my life in ways that I know I would never have had access to if I wasnt forced into uprooting and reexamining every facet of my life in order to heal. And yet I feel hopeless. Hopeless regarding the direction Am Yisroel is taking in regards to this problem. And hopeless regarding my ability to make a change in this area for Klal Yisroel. You see, my grandfather is highly esteemed. He himself comes from a wonderful family, and he too is a Torah Scholar. But to put it plain and simple, he also is a pedophile. And let me explain something to you; as a pedophile my grandfather doesnt only prey on innocent children, (his penchant is mostly for family members, he wont touch a strange child for fear that he might be discovered,) he also spends most of his energy covering up for his actions. This includes craftily showing others how pious he is, and how lacking in Yiras Shamayim they are. Oh, there are just so many things
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Feeling Hopeless a Tisha bAv writing

that others do that he wouldnt dream of doing, because it is he who understands that G-d doesnt agree with that. And he preaches and explains all this to the family, and thus successfully wards off the slightest sense of suspicion. I remember when I first started dealing with the abuse, how I struggled to make sense of how is it that my grandfather could perpetrate such stuff when I was so sure that he was such a Yiras Shamayim and has clearly dedicated his life to the service of Hashem. At that point I decided to put the abuse on the back burner for a year, (like pretend it didnt happen for now,) and instead I began to observe my grandfathers social interactions with critical eyes. And I found a narcissistic monster! True, as soon as he saw you he would engage you in Divrei Torah, but almost inevitably that would include showing you how you know nothing, and only he truly understands what is happening over here. Every child and grandchild of his was made to feel like they can never truly match up to his greatness. Ridicule was a daily staple his offspring had to deal with, while he claimed it was just his great sense of humor being displayed. In addition, children and grandchildren were constantly lectured and educated not to trust themselves in any form, and to give no attention to their likes and dislikes. The theory was that in order to serve G-d you must totally abandon your sechel, your feelings and your preferences. And unfortunately he found enough Torah sources to distort in order to proof his point. Thus, he made sure that no one he interacted with would walk away with an intact sense of self that allowed them the ability to scrutinize his actions.

Feeling Hopeless a Tisha bAv writing

But perhaps most telling of all is how he treats his wife. The ridicule she had to endure is indescribable. Her own children were rallied into laughing at her with his instigation, (on the premise that he was only joking of course,) to the point where she reached a stage where she doubted her own sanity; exactly what he needed to accomplish to make sure she would never divulge his deep dark secret of being a pedophile. And here is where the hopelessness comes in. The play is still going on, and it seems like there is just no way to make a dent in this horrible charade. Shabbos seudas are still going on for hours, surrounded by his offspring, while he preaches and pretends to be spreading the word of G-d; all the time distorting, and instilling deep feelings of free flowing guilt and shame into the younger generation, in order to feed his narcissistic needs with a sure sense that no one would ever dear to accuse him of the slightest infraction. But as you might of guessed, the greatest danger is that this pedophile still has unlimited access to his offspring, who are taught to revere him. This sends shivers down my spine, yet it seems like I am powerless to stop it. I tried. I spoke to other family members about my experiences, begging them not to allow him to be alone with children. Yet they just tried to prove to me that he has surely done Teshuvah, thus I was the one doing wrong by trying to besmirch his name. (And let me just add, that I am not the only professed victim of his. There are others too who claim they were hurt by him.)

Feeling Hopeless a Tisha bAv writing

Dear members of my extended family, our holy frum communities: You might be tempted to judge my family negatively as to why they prefer to cover up for such lies and atrocities, rather than to face the truth and protect the future generations. But if you only searched a bit you will surely see that as communities we follow the same path. We are willing to do almost anything just to maintain the illusion of holiness. Though in truth, we surely ARE holy; yet we also have some horrible skeletons in the closets that we MUST deal with in order to maintain our holiness. And somehow this is just so difficult for us to do. Thus, when an alleged perpetrator happens to be a sheine Yid, we rally in support of him, totally ignoring the Chilul Hashem that this is causing. When victims cry out in pain, Where are the Rabbonim? Why dont they do something? we bash the victims for not displaying enough Kavod Hatorah. And when a woman takes the courage to describe to us the picture she saw of our world from her childish eyes as she watched her friend being molested by her Talmud Chachom brother, we just find it so reprehensible that we feel compelled to brand her a Frum Jew Hater. And it is reprehensible. What is going on is truly disgraceful and extremely difficult to bear. Yet it is happening. Thus we MUST find a way to fortify ourselves with the knowledge that Torah and Yiddishkeit are indeed beautiful, the holiest that could be found in this universe,
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even though there are individuals among us that distort it all and hide their horrific atrocities in their so-called observance and Yiras Shomayim. Only when we can face the truth can we have some hope of turning things around; i.e. taking the reins away from the perpetrators, and truly demonstrating to the world the greatness of our holy traditions.