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musings of a subhuman
The Amazing Atheist
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SCUMBAG:
musings of a subhuman
_______________________________________________
Written By:
The Amazing Atheist
Illustrated By
The Scum of the Earth
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Table of Contents
Foreword by Fakesagan………………………………………………….………….8
A Brief Letter To My Fans……………………………………………….…..…….12
RELIGION ………………………………………………………………………..……17
IMMORAL CUNTS FOR CHRIST
A DANGEROUS IDEA?
CHRISTIANS ARE STUPID, EVIL, CHILD-ABUSERS
ISLAM IS LAME
CONVERSION COUNTER: 0 AND STEADY
CHILDREN’S LETTERS TO SATAN
"FAGGOT"
THE "GAY GOD" ARGUMENT
QUESTIONS CHRISTIANS HATE
EDUCATION …………………………………………………………………………..45
HOW TO GET LEFT THE FUCK ALONE
HOW TO WRITE A BOOK
HOW TO SEEM SMART
HOW TO SUCCEED ON YOUTUBE
SOCIETY………………………………………………………………………………..69
EVERYTHING’S FINE
THE OUTSIDER GENERATION
NOBODY ‘08
FUCK RESPONSIBILITY
CONSERVATIVES HATE AMERICA
SEX………………………………………………………………………………………89
RAPE SURVIVOR CHATROOM SURVIVOR
IT’S SMALL. GET OVER IT
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RAMBLINGS…………………………………………………………………………115
GOLDEN ARCH NEMESIS
RATED XXX
BIG BLACK DICKS
INTERNET CELEBRITY IS A FATE WORSE THAN HELL
STUPID BULLSHIT THAT I FUCKING HATE
AMUSING ALTERNATIVES TO ABORTION
I WANT TO KILL MYSELF WHEN I GROW UP
SCUMBAG…………………………………………………………………………….135
The Final Musing
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***
Apart from those two brilliant souls, I’d like to thank a number of those who
have shaped me into what I am (for better or for worse):
This is where you’d normally find copyright information, but I’m too fucking
lazy to bother with all that jazz—and with the advent of the internet, it would
be too much of a pain in the ass to try to stop you from swiping this shit and
reusing it anyway. I’ll just ask really politely that you not do so and hope that
that’s enough.
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FOREWORD
By Fakesagan/Hardcase
Yes, I know. You paid the ticket price to read The Amazing
Atheist, not fakesagan. In all honesty, I think The Amazing
Atheist should've paid you to read this book because of all the
money he's saving on therapy. In any case, don’t worry. I've
never been a fan of lengthy forewords, so I'll keep this one brief.
Whenever my thoughts turn to The Amazing Atheist, a
quote of Dr. Johnson's (which is more commonly attributed to
the great Hunter S. Thompson) springs instantly to mind:
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mood—I’ve never in my life not been in the mood to see a nice set
of tits or a cute ass.
And guys, it’s okay to take pictures of your girlfriend
while she sleeps and send them to me as well. I don’t mind at all.
No matter how busy my schedule becomes, you have my solemn
vow that I will make time to view photos of your sleeping,
unsuspecting girlfriend who has no idea what a scumbag her
boyfriend happens to be.
In fact, it doesn’t even have to be your girlfriend. If you’ve
got a sister or a mom or a neighbor that you want to send me
pictures of, that’s all good too.
For that matter, the pictures don’t even have to be of
girls. A lot of guys these days are pretty effeminate. If I take my
glasses off, I can’t even tell the difference.
I’m really not picky. I mean, if you could just send me
close up pictures of your knees pressed together to kind of look
like an ass, I can work with that. I’m the MacGuyver of jerking
off to things. Give me a flashlight, some yarn, a box of raisins
and a tongue depressor and I’ll figure out a way to fap to it.
For instance, remember that time we went Tijuana and
saw the donkey show? I mean, I knew that chick was going to
blow the Donkey, but I didn’t know she was actually going to let
it stick it’s spongy, half-formed-looking phallus inside her
asshole! Remember how afterwards she blasted shit and donkey
cum halfway across the bar from her gaping sphincter and a big
chunk of her corn-laden scat flew into your open mouth and you
puked all over the guy next to you, causing half the bar to start
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fighting and the other half to start puking and before we knew it
the whole floor was carpeted with puke and cum and shit and
blood? I still managed to rub one out that night! I tell you. . . .
Wait. You’re not the one that went with me to Tijuana,
are you? Shit.
Awkward.
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A DANGEROUS IDEA?
A friend and mentor once asked the people: is there such thing
as a dangerous idea?
My answer: Abso-fucking-lutely.
The idea that we were created by a supreme being who
can reward or punish our behavior as he sees fit and that we are
aware of his nature is a dangerous idea. Some would argue that
if we admit that Christianity and Islam are dangerous ideas,
then we have to admit that Greek mythology is a dangerous
idea, a notion that anyone would dismiss as patently absurd.
However, in the days when the stories of Zeus and his brood
were not taken as stories, but as true accounts of beings of
extraordinary power, those ideas were dangerous. The stories
aren’t dangerous today, simply because no one believes them.
A popular idea among religious apologists is that religion
is inherently good, but that evil men use it to evil means. They
look upon those piles of bodies that religion has left in its wake
and say, “Religion was twisted into this! That’s not what God is
supposed to be about! God is supposed to be about sunshine and
bumblebees and glitter and rainbows! My God would never do
this sort of thing!”
Forget about Lady MacBeth! These assholes think a weak
little chorus of “that’s not what I believe” is all that it takes to
get their hands clean. Sorry, you degenerate jerk-offs, you don’t
get off the hook that easy.
Belief in God has inarguably led to many times the
number of deaths that the atomic weapons dropped on
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Genesis 1:1
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not have to right to mangle their children’s bottoms (or any other
part of them), regardless of what their holy texts might say
about it. The action of beating one’s children is illegal. Doing it
in the name of God is no less illegal.
Now imagine the psychological abuse of being taught
from an age, before your reasoning faculties are developed, that
if you do not obey the doctrines of a religion that you have no
hope of understanding, you will burn in a pit of unfathomable
torment where demons will gnaw at every centimeter of your
flesh and the unimaginable heat of fire too hot to comprehend
will drag multi-pronged dagger-tongues across your soul until
the end of time. I see that as being worse than a beating in the
long run. You might as well just hand the kid a rifle and point
him to the nearest bell tower.
So, why do we allow it? I can’t think of a good reason.
We’d never allow a parent to tell their child, “If you don’t obey
me, I will pull out all of your teeth with an old pair of pliers and
fuck your mouth!” so why do we allow, “If you don’t obey God
(me), you’ll go to a land of eternal torment to writhe in agony for
infinities upon infinities!”
If you remove the sacred cow status of religion for a
moment and look at the situation objectively, I’m sure you won’t
be able to answer the following question very easily.
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Whatever your answer, I’m willing to bet that you actually had
to stop to think about it.
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ISLAM IS LAME
“YOU THINK YOU HAVE BALLS? I WOULD CHOP YOUR
HEAD OFF YOU PATHETIC FAT SHIT. YOU ATHEIST
BASTARDS HAVE DESTROYED THIS WORLD WITH
YOUR EVOLUTION THEORY, SAYING LIFE IS MATTER
OF CHANCE. THAT IS WHY THEIR IS DEPRESSION
AND SUICIDE BECAUSE ATHEIST LIFE IS BASE ON
PERFORMANCE. IF I MET YOU I WOULD DO ALLAH
SWIFT HONOR AND THE UMMAH HONOR OF
CHOPPING YOUR HEAD OFF AND DRAINING YOUR
BLOOD! KEEP HIDING BEHIND YOUR COMPUTER!
COME TO ENGLAND AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE AND
I WILL STAB YOU UP, YOU PIG HONKY. LOL.”
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“Hey, man, why you are insulting Islam? This is a very big
thing! You had better back off these shitty things or you
are a dead man, I swear to God.”
The religion that talks the most about forgiveness is the most
unforgiving, so it should come as no shock to anyone that the one
that talks the most about peace is the most violent.
I’ve spent a good chunk of my life mocking Christianity
and only the last few months expanding my interests to Islam as
well. I’ve received more death threats from those Muslims in the
last few months than I have from Christians in the last 10 years.
Honestly, violence doesn’t bother me much. If someone
wants to punch me in the teeth for pissing all over their notions
of how the world works, I consider that a work hazard. I know
full well that if I poke a few hornets nests, I’m going to get stung
every now and then. I’ll even have a beer with the asshole that
did it later (and draw penises on him when he passes out),
because I’m a good sport.
But I don’t think I should have to worry about the
proximity of my head to my body just because I like to create
insulting depictions of the “prophet” Muhammad.
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CONVERSION COUNTER:
0 AND STEADY
I once remarked that converting a Christian to atheism is like
changing the label on a jar of pickled dog turds. I stand by that
statement.
Many Atheists give oblivious credence to the notion that
an imbecilic theist will, once converted to atheism, transform
into the most brilliant of brights, the most spectacular of
secularists, the apotheosis of atheistic intellectual integrity—
and other such corny alliterations. The sad truth is that a shit-
for-brains who thinks that Papa Smurf in the sky is watching
his every move with unwavering concern will, if converted (or
deconverted, if you prefer) to atheism, become a shit-for-brains
who thinks that books are a nifty decoration. You’ll not improve
such a person—if anything, you’ll make him worse.
Consider, for a moment, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold,
the shooters at Columbine High School. They were as atheistic
as I am, but they embraced the dogmatism of the thoroughly
debunked idea of Social Darwinism (which should rightly be
called Social Spencerism). They managed to convince themselves
that their shootings were, in some way, natural selection. If
they’d been Christians, they might have killed for Jesus.
Instead, they were Atheists, and they killed for Nietzsche and
Darwin. That’s not progress by any definition of the word that I
would embrace.
I WARN YOU FURTHER: In an atheist world, atheism
will no longer be a badge of intellectual prowess. Those of you
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who revel in your elitism now may well find yourself clutching at
straws to justify your worth in the secular utopia of your fondest
dreams.
And who will we do intellectual battle with? Each other? I
know we say that we want a challenge, but is it really what we
desire? In your little black hearts can’t you admit, if only to
yourselves, that it’s a lot more fun using your vast intellect to
anally rape the cognitively deficient than it is rationally
discussing ideas with your equals?
I suppose we can always argue with the Social
Darwinists—but as far as pseudo-sciences created solely to
justify the actions of the powerful against the powerless go,
intelligent design will never be topped. It will always hold that
special place in our hearts, won’t it? Won’t you look back on the
pwnage of those imbeciles and smile? I know I will.
I imagine myself in the old atheist’s home, sitting in my
rocking chair, being blown by holographic teenagers while robot
nurses pump apple-sauce down my throat through little gray
tubes. Atop my nightstand I’ll have a little scrapbook of all the
believers I ever crushed in one-sided, totally unfair debates. I’ll
look at their pictures and I’ll laugh myself to sleep each night,
but inside I’ll be crying.
Without religion, there is no religion to destroy. Our
victory is our defeat.
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signed,
billy
Dear Billy,
What the fuck is a sundae school? Do they teach you to make
sundaes there? Are you going to attend Baskin-Robbins Tech
when you grow up?
Seriously, I’m glad your being instructed in how “evul” I
am—but maybe your parents should spend a little less time
pumping your head full of that stupid nonsense and a little more
time teaching you how to spell. I’m almost surprised that you
managed your own name.
To answer your question, I’m evil because all the good
guys like your Sunday school teacher are dicks who indoctrinate
children to ensure that their collection plates stay full well into
the next generation.
*****
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Dear Satan,
I don’t get it. If you’re in charge of Hell and you want
people to sin, then why is Hell a place of torment?
Signed,
Susanne
Dear Susanne,
If you can answer that question than you’re a lot smarter than I
am. I don’t know why I would torture those who take my side in
the war against God. The more I sit here and ponder it, the less
sense it makes. Why would I incentivise people to turn to God
and away from me? It seems like I’d be doing much better
business if I made Hell a little bit more appealing. It’s a little bit
embarrassing that a child had to point it out to me, but thanks
for doing so. I promise that by the time you get here (you know a
girl as analytical as you is going to wind up a Godless atheist
heathen) things will be much nicer.
*****
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dear Stan,
YOU are so Stupit to b against god. He will kick you
BUTT when the day of Judgmint cames. My mom sed so.
Signed,
JED
Dear Jed,
Ritalin. You need it.
First of all, my name is Satan, not Stan. Well, actually,
my full name is Beelzebub Lucifer Satanson, but everyone calls
me Satan for short.
Second of all, God is all-powerful. I can’t possibly be
against God unless that’s what he wills me to do. Why would
God be so cruel as to force me to suffer just to have the universe
a certain way, you might ask if you were smarter—the answer
eludes me. Ever consider the notion that maybe I’m not really
the one on the evil end of this whole good/evil spectrum?
Third of all, are you taking spelling lessons from Billy?
Judgmint? Sounds like something they put on your pillow in
purgatory.
Your Source Of Laughter In The Ever After,
Satan
*****
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Dear Satan,
Your horns are cool. Why do you have a pitchfork? Is
there hay in hell? I thought you were cool in that stupid
Tom Cruise movie where you steal that unicorn’s horn.
Your horns are cooler than a unicorn’s horn anyway.
Your Fan,
Jonathan
Dear Jonathan,
Thank you. I get far too few compliments on my appearance.
*****
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Dear Satan,
I just don’t see how any of it can be true. You, God,
angels, talking snakes, people turning into pillars of
salt—I’ve tried and I’ve tried, but I just can’t believe it.
God doesn’t answer my letters, so I’m trying you as a
second resort.
Hoping,
Chris
Dear Chris,
If I didn’t exist, then you’d have to accept that the bad things in
the world are not the fault of an all-malevolent being and that
all the good things can’t be credited to an all-benevolent one. Are
you really willing to accept that? If you are, then these words
that you think I’m speaking to you know should suddenly just
vanish into thin. . . .
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“FAGGOT”
Christian moms and dads, how can you be so cruel?
I’ve read the letters of your children, you know. They
write to me. They trust me, because they can see that I’m not
going to hate them for some petty difference.
Boys and girls—13, 14, 15, 16 years old. Old enough to
see through your shit, too young to not need your guidance and
approval. They can’t get it from you. They look at you and see
nothing but judgment and tenuous love. Conditional love.
How can I receive letters from teenage girls who don’t
want to be disowned for being atheists without wanting you
dead? How many letters can I read from kids who are gay in
religious households where fags are sinners who go to the
deepest and hottest part of Hell without wishing that each and
every last one of you would just do the world a favor and die?
How many kids have to wind up with slit wrists so that you can
have your grotesque death symbol cross plastered to the back of
your Earth-raping SUV? How many lives have to be prematurely
squandered before the people realize that what’s really going on
here is nothing short of a holocaust?
You’re killing your own offspring. You’re not putting the
guns to their heads yourself, but you’re as guilty of their deaths
as if you had.
So I have to do what you won’t and can’t. I have to do the
job no one else will do and give these kids some glimmer of hope.
I have to make them realize that you’re not worth spilling tears
(or blood) over. I have to teach them to hate you.
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HOW TO GET
LEFT THE FUCK ALONE
I am vulgar. I think bad thoughts and more often then not I shit
them forth from my mouth with all the enthusiasm of an
overpaid whore on ecstasy. What's worse, I usually say them
when in mixed company, or when speaking to one with fragile
ears, and a frail mind in between them.
Jaws drop and gasps resound. "Did he really just say
what I think he did?" You're damn right he did. And do you
know what? He enjoyed it too. It's how I maintain my sanity,
and now, with my help, you too can improve the quality of your
life by being a dirty foul-mouthed bastard.
"How can being grossly offensive improve my life,
Amazing Atheist?"
God you people ask some dumb fucking questions.
Observe my ingenious equation below.
People + Life = /
Life – People = -
And how do you get rid of people? You can stick dynamite in
their asses and paint the walls with their insides . . . which is
effective, but illegal and costly.
You can poison their coffee, but it tends to be slow—and
problematic if they drink tea or water or cat piss.
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Victim: "What?"
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Now, this is where you hit them with it. Your response should be
inane and whiney. You don't want to compel them.
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flat. My Toes hurt. My hands are kind of cold. And to top it all
off, people that I hate keep trying to talk to me."
Victim: "Do you think that they will ever create a computer
with Artificial Intelligence?"
Victim: Really?
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"Wow, Amazing Atheist, you sure are the greatest genius to ever
live."
Yes. And you aren't even worthy of my great wisdom.
Anyhow, I'm off to drink the urine of 17 virgin cattle so that I
may unlock the secrets of the multiverse and all of its special
juicy cosmic-type powers.
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The next day you sit, gazing madly at the blank sheet of
paper. After a few hours you type an ‘M.’ You stare it with the
attentiveness of a coked-out president peeking in at one of his
hot daughters showering through a cracked door (nothing
against "good ol' G Dubbya." I ain’t no terrorist-lover).
What the fuck is wrong with that fucking M? He’s just
sitting there, looking at you in his smug, smart-ass way. FUCK
HIM! You lift the typewriter up and toss it across the room right
into your TV set, smashing the screen to smithereens. That's
okay, you tell yourself, it is unbefitting a writer such as myself to
watch television anyway.
You decide that the typewriter approach is outdated. You
decide that you need to go buy a brand new PC. Unfortunately
you have no way to pay for it unless you take all the money out
the savings account that you've had since you were a little kid
and would sell your body to the local sex offender. That's okay
though, you're going to be a filthy stinking-ass rich writer soon.
You’ll show that fucking M! You’ll never put him in any of your
stories! There wont be any M’s in your stories! No sir!
On your way out the door your phone rings. You pick it
up. It's your boss wondering where you were all day. You tell
him to go fuck himself up the ass with a big, floppy, rubber dick.
You hang up the phone and giggle at your cleverness. You feel
better all ready.
A few hours later, you're back with your brand new,
deluxe, limited addition XK-33 with an Ultimum 666 processor
and a 22” flat-screen monitor. The side of the box reads, THE
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They arrest you, but it's not such a bad thing. At least
you'll get some medical attention, and you'll have plenty of time
to write in prison.
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based not on how intelligent you are, but how intelligent you can
seem to those handing out social promotions.
"I don't understand, Amazing Atheist! Blargh! Why come
is I be so dumb?"
It's okay. I'll simplify it for you:
You are stupid. The Amazing Atheist is smart. But if you
follow his instructions to a T you can at least seem smart to
others. Thus, your position in the social hierarchy will rise faster
than your dick at the sight of any sort of farm animal.
VOCABULARY
A timeless method for seeming smarter than you could ever hope
to be is to use incredibly complicated language to communicate
any task. For example:
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SILENCE
Abraham Lincoln once said, "It is better to keep your mouth shut
and be thought a fool than to open it up and get your tongue
eaten by evil flies."
Or something along those lines.
Anyhow, the point is this: shut the fuck up. For some
reason, people who don't talk much are considered to be
intelligent. Perhaps because it is assumed that they are deep in
thought about physics or genetic enhancement of the male
sexual organ, or whatever it is that smart people think about.*
GLASSES
Smart people wear glasses. This is a well known fact among
anyone who watches TV. If a guy (or gal) wears glasses, let it be
known that they are probably capable of building atom bombs
using only duct tape and silly putty. If you already wear glasses,
great. If you don't, go get some. It is a good idea to get the ugliest
possible pair in the store since everyone knows that smart
people have no . . .
FASHION SENSE
BACK AWAY FROM THE DESIGNER BRANDS! From now on
you shop at K-mart, where you will buy only the most repulsive
clothes that you can find. You need stuff that positively screams,
"I AM A GEEK! I'M TOO SMART TO WASTE TIME
DRESSING MYSELF LIKE A HUMAN BEING." If you have
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THE LAUGH
Smart people do not laugh the same way, or at the same things,
that other people do. You must perfect a laugh that sounds
something like a bat getting butt-fucked by and elephant. This
will take time and practice, and I recommend that you allow
yourself to get butt-fucked by an elephant (just once) so that you
can get in the proper frame of mind. You don't have to, I
suppose. If you do, be sure to take pictures and send them to all
the members of your family as well as your classmates/co-
workers. Smart people are always doing eccentric things like
that, and you will notice a big change in the way people view
you.
But, I digress.
Another important factor is what you laugh at. Things
that you find funny now, like Big Momma’s House 2, just aren't
gonna cut it in the intellectual community. Watch Monty Python
and just laugh every time it seems like there was a joke.
Eventually you will begin to think that you actually understand
the humor and will be able to pick up on smart people jokes in
the real world.
"But what happens when I have to tell a joke of my own,
Amazing Atheist? Won't it reveal to them my overwhelming
stupidity?"
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KEEP IT SHORT
I’ve never been able to follow this one personally, but people are
mindless fucking drones that like it when you reduce your
opinion to a series of soundbites. If you have the intellectual
integrity of a Paris Hilton song and are willing to simplify
complex issues into cute, clipped little aphorisms you’ll do well.
ANGER
People love to watch a tantrum. Contort your face, flail your
arms and impotently hurl invectives at your chosen target—the
repressed folks at home will nod whether they really agree or
not. It’s not what you’re angry about—it’s just that you’re angry.
RELIGION
Everyone likes it when someone bashes the ever-loving shit out
of religion. This is because it’s the throwaway controversy of our
time. People watch it and pretend it’s edgy when in fact pretty
much everyone is doing it. Still, they never tire of their little
pageant of fake-ballsiness. If you tear God down (when people
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TITS
If you’re a girl, show them off. Guys don’t even give a fuck what
you say. You can have an IQ lower than your bust size and you’ll
still be called a genius by a number of horny would be dick-
donors. On the downside, sexually frustrated teenagers will call
you a slut for daring to have a cunt used for any other purpose
but to sheath their weapons of minor destruction—but that will
raise your position on the “most discussed” list, so I recommend
letting them.
PWNAGE
People pretend not to like it, but people are liars. Everyone loves
a good pwnage match. But if you’re gonna do it, do it right. Hell,
you might as well pwn me. Here’s how:
SEIZE MY INSECURITIES
You’ll make no progress simply calling me fat. If I were sensitive
about my weight, don’t you think I’d make a better attempt to
conceal it?
If you really want to get to me, point out words that I
mispronounced or logical fallacies within my arguments. If I
misspelled a word in my title or description, jump on it like
CapnOAwesome jumps on an opportunity to whore himself out
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UNCOVER MY CONTRADICTIONS
I have plenty of contradictions from video to video. I leave them
up because I assume that no one will ever be anal retentive
enough to notice them. Prove me wrong. Find two clips of me
saying totally contradictory things and play them side by side to
make me look like a jackass who doesn’t know what he’s talking
about.
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x When I was 11, I shit in the cat litter box just to see
what it would feel like.
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x I wear the same pair of jeans for weeks because I’m too
lazy to transfer my things from one pocket to the next.
UH . . .
Edit out your verbal auxiliaries. No one wants to, uhhhh, you
know, like, hear, ummmmmm, that, liiiiike, stuff, you know? I
personally don’t bother because I don’t give a fifth of a flying
fuck what people want or need from a video, but look at how well
Dendrophilian has done for himself simply removing all that shit
from his videos.
SCRIPT IT
I’ll be honest with you—I think PatCondell is the most boring
PC representative of atheism possible. He’s every bit the
polished image that the vanilla YouTube Atheists want. He’s old,
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KISS ASS
It’s no secret that Supexcellency got his 1000+ subscribers by
burying his nose as far up my ass as he possibly could until I
became so flattered that I made him a shoutout video. His
subsequent rejection of all things me drove me to vow to the
moon and stars that I would never again allow an asskisser to
get close to me, nor would I ever again make a shoutout video for
even my closest YouTube pals like saturninefilms.
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EVERYTHING’S FINE
According to the right, the world is about to end. We have sinned
against God and soon his judgment will be upon us and everyone
(except those brought up to Heaven in the rapture) will suffer
horribly. Liberal extremists will conquer the planet, gay orgies
will spread like wildfire, and abortions will become as
commonplace as brushing your teeth (this may be a bad example
for those of you living in Great Britain). The only answer is to
mandate prayer in schools, burn the Bill of Rights and, for the
love of all that is holy, stop teaching children that evolution
nonsense!
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NOBODY ‘08
A beer-bellied bastard on La-Z-Boy, swilling pisswater lager,
transfixed on a 24 months with no interest 52” plasma screen
TV’s from Best Buy, watching fast, advertisement-plastered cars
go in a circle—can you see it? Can you see those vacant eyes, fat
and glistening with impotent monkey rage? Can you see those
mustard stains on the wife beater too small to cover the
gelatinous blob of hair and flesh called his stomach? Can you
smell him—can you feel sweat, motor oil and poorly wiped ass
forcing its way up your nostrils?
This man—let’s call him Frank—works as a short order
chef at Waffle House, making $8.25 an hour after 10 years. He
hates niggers. He hates spics. He hates faggots. He loves Jesus.
He loves Nascar. He loves ogling teenage ass.
He’s an all-American. He votes for whoever waves the
flag the most enthusiastically, whoever tells him that he gets to
keep his guns, whoever says the world freedom the most and
whoever believes in freedom the least.
I hate Frank.
I don’t hate him because he’s a poor redneck. There are
Franks all over this nation with perfect elocution and full pocket
books.
I don’t hate him because he’s a Christian. There are
Franks reading the Koran. There are Franks that practice Yoga
and pray before Buddhist altars.
I don’t hate him because he’s a conservative. There are
hippy franks who smoke pot and listen to Grateful Dead all day.
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wear or how you’re to spend your money or your time? Fuck no.
But that’s exactly what you’re doing when you participate in this
system.
So why would you cast a vote for anyone? Why would you
choose to build the bars for your own cage? The constitution that
our wise founders set down to paper all the years ago to protect
our republic from mob rule and ensure the rights of individuals
has been eroded by years of apathy and malice. It’s not going to
protect you from the acephalous juggernaut of pure democracy.
When you go to the ballot box and cast your meaningless vote for
a meaningless man or woman who has no intentions of changing
a thing in this world for the better, you are complicit in your own
slavery.
Why do you need someone else to represent your
interests? Why not represent your own interests in the day to
day world?
If you don’t like drugs, don’t do them. If you don’t like gay
marriage, don’t marry someone of the same sex. If you don’t like
abortions, don’t have one. Why do you need to pass a law that
says no one is allowed to do these things? What the fuck
business is it of yours where I stick a penis or a needle of a coat
hanger?
If I want to walk down the street naked with my cock in
my hand, that should be my right! You have the right to turn
away or to call me an idiot or, if you’re a business owner, refuse
to sell goods to me. What’s so wrong with that? What’s the big
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fatal flaw in this plan that socialist and other democrats claim is
so glaring and obvious?
Freedom means the right to be part of a 1%. The right to
be in the majority is a given in any system. Even Stalin worked
for the good of the majority, he just killed a few million
irrelevant individuals to manage it (for the information of the
historically inept, he still failed).
I say nobody in ’08, because that’s exactly who I feel is
qualified to lead me:
Nobody.
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FUCK RESPONSIBILITY
Libertarians don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about, and
their boner for the word and concept of responsibility attests to
this like nothing else.
I want you to focus very intently on the next two words I
am going to type: FUCK RESPONSIBILITY. Fuck it right in
its corny, shit-spewing asshole. Responsibility isn’t freedom.
They don’t even live on the same block. They work at the same
company, but they hate each other. They’re both vying for that
big promotion. They’re rivals.
Responsibility should be something we begrudgingly
accept as an unpleasant necessity, something to keep us from
offing motherfuckers for looking at us funny or to keep our dicks
in our pants at ballet recitals. Responsibility is nothing to come
in your panties about.
Yet all my libertarian friends just can’t get over how
fucking wonderful responsibility is!
OH! And they usually call it “personal” responsibility, which
is redundant because there’s no other kind. I know that they do
it to draw a distinction between responsibility to and for
themselves and responsibility to and for others—but come on, we
all know what responsibility means.
And they always pose these stupid questions to me like,
“Would you put a gun to my head and steal from me to give
medicine to a sick person?” They consider this an argument
against Universal Healthcare. It always makes their heads spin
when I answer, “If it was someone I knew, I’d blow your fucking
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head clean off just to extend that persons life another day.
Anyone who adamantly opposes a portion of their income going
to the treatment of sick people deserves to die anyway.”
I don’t actually believe that (my official stance on Universal
Healthcare is, in fact, that I don’t give a shit), but it’s fun to see
them get all pissed and indignant, hurling insults and screaming
obscenities. It makes them look like the primitivist apes they
are.
The question asked by all political philosophies is this: where
does power belong? Some say that it belongs in the hands of
government (statists, fascists, communists), some say it belongs
in the hands of the people (social democrats). Some say it
belongs in the hands of the market (libertarians, anarcho-
capitalists). Some believe it belongs to individual persons—not to
be confused with the people (anarchists).
I don’t particularly like any of these ideas. So fuck it. I don’t
believe in anything other than tearing your stupid beliefs down
until someone smarter than me comes up with a solution.
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CONSERVATIVES
HATE AMERICA
Okay, this is a last minute addition to this book and I’m
writing it in anger. You guys probably think that I often do
things hastily or act in anger, but really I don’t. I do
everything in my power not to. However, when the book
“Power To The People” by conservative talk radio slut Laura
Ingraham is number one in the country and Amazon.com is
deleting negative reviews in deference to cunt-servative
ideology, I find it hard to bite my tongue about it.
I have not read the book. I have never heard of Laura
Ingraham until today. But when I read the inside flap, I
could barely hold back the bile.
“If you're like most Americans, you've had enough.
You're fed up with sell-out politicians who won't
defend our borders; a Hollywood that peddles
profanity, pornography, and Al Gore and Rosie
O'Donnell as "entertainment"; schools that teach our
kids more about condoms than about the Constitution;
and snooty judges who think it's their job to legislate
for us. But there's a way to stop the madness and
return power to the people - where it belongs. Laura
Ingraham, the most-listened-to woman in political talk
radio, shows us how to take back what is ours. In
POWER TO THE PEOPLE she provides a riotous, take-
no-prisoners journey through our besieged culture
and gives us a battle plan to re-make it anew, the way
the Founders intended - strong, patriotic, pro-family,
and unapologetically God-fearing. Part expose, part
practical manifesto, and wholly entertaining, POWER
TO THE PEOPLE is written in the style of Laura's
fast-paced, no excuses, action-oriented radio show,
weaving in personal tales of her own struggle to right
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RAPE SURVIVOR
CHATROOM SURVIVOR
Rape isn’t fatal.
So imagine my indignation when I saw a chatroom called
“Rape Survivors.” Is this supposed to impress me? Someone
fucked you when you didn’t want to be fucked and you’re amazed
that you survived? Unless he used a chainsaw instead of his
dick, what’s the big deal?
I don’t mean to be horrendously offensive and insensitive
here, but everyone survives rape. Some women are killed
afterwards, but that’s murder, not rape. To say that you’re a
rape survivor is as meaningless as saying you’re a jury duty
survivor or a divorce survivor. Lots of things in life suck—that
doesn’t mean we survived them.
The word survivor applies to people who are alive after
being stabbed 73 times with an ice pick or mauled by rabid
wolverines, not to a woman who gets dick when she doesn’t want
it. Just because you got raped, you have to rape the English
language? You vindictive bitch!
Also, don’t you ever get tired of being the victim? How
many failed relationships are you going to blame on a single
violation of your personal space? I’m not making light of it. I
know that it is damaging, a reminder of your powerlessness
against the world—but it should be a wake up call. We are all
powerless against the forces of fate (or chance). We’re all on
different paths, but they all lead to the same place.
Life leaves no survivors.
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IT’S SMALL.
GET OVER IT.
People always feel the need to defend my penis from me, even
when I’m not attacking it. All I have to do is mention that it is
small and people will say, “I’m sure it’s just fine.”
“I didn’t say it wasn’t fine. I just said it was small.”
“It’s not small, I’m sure.”
“No,” I insist, puzzled that they would argue with me
about a piece of my anatomy, “It is.”
“It probably just looks small because you’re such a big
guy.”
“Well, that probably makes it look smaller, but even
disregarding that, it’s small.”
“Why are you so down on yourself?” they ask.
“I’m not,” I always explain at that point. “I don’t have
anything against my penis, but the fact is that it is a small
penis. Any shame I might have about that I lost after getting
laid a few times and realizing that it wasn’t the end of the
world.”
On the other hand . . .
A girl told me a story once. She told me that she was once
lying naked in bed, legs spread apart, waiting for some guy she
had just met to come in and fuck her. He entered the room,
looked down at her, and started undressing. But at that last
crucial moment, the revelation of what he was packing, he
unveiled a miniscule member, probably roughly the size of mine,
and she closed her legs instantly and left him standing there to
wallow in his woe.
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It’s a tie!
No, I’m just fucking with you!
Ass wins.
“Why?”, you may ask.
Just because.
My book, my rules.
Deal with it.
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ILL LOGIC
I am not easily bored. I'm very content with tranquility, because
my mind is a circus freak show of deformed demons and holy
holes. I can sit for hours in what is perceived as aloofness, when
in reality, or rather, out of reality, I am moving at a million
miles a second, reveling in my genius and lamenting my idiocy. I
sit there with a blank expression on my face—the world scarcely
pays attention. They have no idea that I am in another place; a
place where the beauty of ugliness is understood completely and
so am I. In this wonderful, horrible world, I am an all-powerful
god, whose every perversion is immediately fulfilled. I reign over
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the populace like the eidolon named Night from Edgar Allen
Poe's, Dream-land. I suppose that is exactly what the world of
my thoughts is: a dream-land.
The real world finds me in an infinitely less enjoyable
position. I am a spineless coward, insecure in myself and unable
to muster the will to take any step towards improving the
quality of my existence. Despite the fact that I am blessed with
luxuries that most don't have, I am apathetic. Even in the face of
adversity, I remain unfazed and uncaring. I neglect my hygiene
to the point of disgusting those around me. I am infatuated with
a pathetic fantasy world that is obviously a product of my
shallow, meaningless life. Dream-land is basically a necessary
antithesis of reality—artificial flavoring if you will.
I take some (but not much) comfort in the knowledge that
I am at least intelligent enough to analyze and understand my
delusions. That is supposed to be the mark of a true philosopher:
the ability to analyze ones own delusions. It is for this reason
that I have chosen to write this. I feel that we live in times that
are in need of a new philosopher; someone who realizes both his
inadequacy and his greatness; his kindness and his cruelty; his
love and his lust. That someone is me—or it isn't. Only my time
and your ridicule will tell.
It is amazing how many people can formulate a rationale
to justify their actions or further their cause. Obviously, logic is
not flawless. It is, in all honesty, very flawed. Different minds
make different connections and have different prejudices;
therefore we are inclined to side with the rationale that best
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book entitled The Holy Bible. So, it can be logically assumed that
The Bible is always right and any other logic is just the flawed
logic of man. This only works, however, if you believe in God.
But when you try to rationalize the existence of God, you end up
with the following paradox: Christians believe in God because
The Bible told them to, and they believe in The Bible because
God told them to. Atheists like myself are all too familiar with
this circular reasoning.
Politics- Political logic is too often based upon something
that is initially just propaganda. A clever politician knows how
to confuse even the most intelligent of people, simply by hiding
the lack of substance behind a wall of euphemous logic. All the
rationality in the world means nothing if it is built upon a
foundation of nothingness.
Advertising- If you drink beer, beautiful women will want
to have sex with you. If you have any problem spotting the flaw
in that logic, then you need to go take some cyanide, because
you're a waste of existence.
Law- Justice System logic is reliant on the infallibility of
the justice system. That is all the justification they feel they
need. Any logic beyond that point is simply for decorative
purposes. Example: prostitution is illegal, but as comedian
George Carlin has often pointed out, it makes little sense for
there to be a law against selling a thing which is legal to give
away.
Notice a trend? Sound reasoning is often corrupted by
extremely illogical suppositions at the foundational level. I
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GREAT MEN—More great men have died than have ever lived.
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RATED XXX
How pissed would you be if I’d just filled this book with little X’s?
That shit would have been so funny.
Xxx xxxx xxx xxxxxx xxx xx xxxx xx xx x x xxxxxx xx x x
xxxx xxx xxxxxx xxxxx xxx xxxx xxx xx xx xx x x xxx xxxx xx
x xxxx xxxx.
Tell me there’s not a part of you that wouldn’t be
impressed by that? “Holy shit, that dumb ass tricked me into
buying nothing! What a cunt!”
Oh, how I’d laugh. How I’d laugh with your beautiful
money fattening my wallet. MWAHAHAHA!!!
You’re lucky I’m such a nice guy.
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INTERNET CELEBRITY
IS A FATE WORSE THAN HELL
When I was 15, I would have done anything for even the
smallest taste of fame, but now that I’ve had the smallest taste
of fame I’d castrate myself with a toothpick before wanting even
one more subscriber to my Youtube channel.
Imagine the stupidest, most annoying person you’ve ever
met. Now imagine that person being annoyed to death by the
people who write me letters everyday. I get about 10 to 20
private messages on youtube per day and they fit into four basic
categories.
1. Horrifying.
2. Revolting.
3. Sickening.
4. “There’s no way this is a real
person”
“GET A LIFE!”
What does that mean, exactly? Is a stranger actually being so
presumptuous as to criticize my use of my time? What sort of
twisted sense of values would lead anyone to believe that they
are in a better position to arrange my affairs than I am?
I have a sneaking suspicious that the sort of people who
compress the coal of my cohesion into this priceless little
diamond of invective (a gem of counter-wisdom) are actually
saying that instead of spending my time making videos about
issues of interest or concern to me, I should be drinking alcohol
and having sexual intercourse with inebriated girls in an
environment of negligible consequences.
If my presumption is correct, I wonder why it is that they
themselves use so much time that could be devoted to the
aforementioned promiscuities to instead watching videos that
they very apparently find distasteful or boring.
“YOU’RE FAT!”
Indeed I am, keen observer! How magnificent your perception
must be to notice such a well-concealed characteristic! I am truly
in awe of your perceptive abilities. Your skills are wasted here
on the internet! You should apply them, instead, to the field of
espionage. Provided that the enemies are dragging around heavy
briefcases with huge red lettering reading “TOP SECRET”
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“YOU’RE A FAGGOT!”
You’re a failed psychic.
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The fact that I deal with this shit on a daily basis would
nominate me for sainthood in a world worth living in. I should be
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on the one dollar bill for the stupidity I have suffered at the
hands of YouTubers with more spare time than good sense.
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STUPID BULLSHIT
THAT I FUCKING HATE
At Movie Theaters
x Snack prices and anyone dumb enough to pay them.
$3.50 for Twizzlers? Suck my fucking cock, AMC
Theaters. I’ll buy that shit at the drugstore for 99 cents
and sneak it in. Are you gonna pat me down? I don’t
think so.
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x The kid behind me. If you don’t stop kicking my chair, I’m
going to tear off your legs and use them to plug up your
fat mother’s used twat so that she can’t sick any more
little fucktards like you on decent folk like myself.
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x People who quit smoking and then tell everyone else how
bad smoking is for you the next day as if they’ve never
touched a cigarette in their lives.
In The Media
x Princess Di. A spoiled bitch went splat because she
couldn’t handle the strain of being photographed on her
way back to her mansion. She’s not worth the salt of the
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In The Bedroom
x Dommes with delusions of grandeur. You spank my ass
for one reason and one reason only, bitch—because that’s
what I want from you. Nature has seen to it that I could
smack you in the face and tell you to piss off if I so chose.
Too often I’ll go on the internet and visit the websites of
dommes who think that they’re going to set up a
matriarchal utopia where men are their servants. You
provide a service. That’s all. Supply and demand, bitch.
Look it up.
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AMUSING ALTERNATIVES
TO ABORTION
For some reason, Christians have gotten it in their heads that
God doesn’t want us vacuuming fetuses right out of the womb
before they have a chance to drive everyone batshit with their
unending chorus of high-pitched mewling.
Luckily for us, the moral majority doesn’t care what
happens to people after they’re out of the womb, so here are
some fun uses for those unaborted babies guaranteed not to rile
any religious zealots with their gears stuck in the 12th century.
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THANKSGIVING DINNER
In case you haven’t noticed (and who hasn’t, honestly?) babies
are roughly the same size as Thanksgiving turkeys. Those
unwanted November tots, properly trussed, can make a delicious
meal for you and your family.
That’s good eatin’!
FOOTBALL
This gives a whole new meaning to playing catch with your son!
Though heavier and less wieldy than the old pig skin, an
otherwise typical game of drunken backyard football with the
guys can be livened up considerably by substituting Junior for
the ball.
Play until the ball gets limp, stops crying and is cold to
the touch.
SHOT PUT
The premise of the game is exceedingly simple—you just throw
the shot (usually a small metal ball weighing around 8 lbs.) as
far as you can. Normally, this game is played on a wide, grassy
field. However, when using a brat for your shot, I recommend a
debris-strewed alleyway—the rats and pigeons will take care of
cleanup.
SNAKE FOOD
If it can eat a bunny, it can eat a baby.
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PENNY
You could drop a penny off the empire state building, sure. But
why waste money? With gas prices how they are and the stock
market’s recent instability, can you really afford to be tossing
pennies off skyscrapers or into wishing wells like you used to?
The solution is obvious—babies instead of pennies—everyone
loves that delightful SPLAT! they make.
DECORATIONS
Take little Sally on a trip to the taxidermist! Trust me, she’ll be
better off as a cup holder than a stripper (you’re a shitty
parent—all your kids will wind up in sex industry jobs if you let
them grow up). Besides, if you ever decide to keep a kid for some
reason, seeing that their older sibling wound up a cherub on the
mantle will get them to bite their insolent little tongues.
If you are offended by this list, then allow me to remind you that
babies are nothing but bug-eyed little doughy sacks of
perpetually leaking piss and shit that adults have tricked
themselves into finding adorable.
“But, Amazing Atheist, they’re human beings!”
So were the Nazis. Are you pro-Nazi?
Racist.
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Can one declare them self such a thing, or is that for the
people to decide? I’d hate to think that it's in the hands of such a
small-minded bunch of miserable cretins. But, the idea that it's
in my hands is even worse in many ways.
This is such livejournal shit. I bet you feel stupid for
paying 20 dollars for this. Fucking idiots!
Eh, cheer up! It's all good, right? What the fuck does it
matter in the long run? We're all just biding our time until the
day we become corpses. Everything we do from the cradle forth
is just a distraction from the grave, a way of denying how fragile
our lives are, how death is getting nearer and nearer.
It's a cruelty of nature that a being should have to
understand the concept of death. We have so long fought against
it with fanciful notions of an afterlife that is far better than our
small lives here on earth. "This is all you get," are the most
hopeless words that could ever be spoken in the ears of most
people.
Death is not “far away.” It isn’t “just a transition.” It’s
close, and it’s forever.
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SCVMBAG:
The final musing
I am the scum of the earth, and if you've gotten this far then so
are you. We laugh about dead babies, hate our fellow man, view
the majority of people as insects who are ruining the world for
superior beings like us. We're like comic book super villains,
sans all those nifty superpowers.
It’s lonely here, isn’t it? Dark. Cold. Almost
uninhabitable. Our only joys are sadistic. They take as much out
of us as they give us. When we love, it’s not with purity, not with
a new lightness in our steps. We love heavy. We love like tar and
broken glass glinting in the light of a bloody moon.
People often tell me that I’m full of hate. They tell me
that I don’t love anything. Do people say that to you? Do you
similarly think about them dying horribly for their stupidity? I
love a great many things.
I love the sound leaves make when they are blown across
the pavement in autumn.
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To TJ,
For sharing his head with me, Terroja, for 10 years now.
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Illustrators:
Front & Back Cover By: Cody Weber & The Amazing Atheist
Page 23 by Studio7Manga –
http://www.studio7manga.com
Page 56 by ???? (if you drew the fucking thing, let me know and
I’ll credit you in the next edition)
Page 70,135 by
http://banyah87.deviantart.com/
141 by Sl Bauer
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scumbagbook@gmail.com
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