Philanders Most sPlendiferous source of news and GossiP.

the archiVes issue

Vol. 3, issue 6

noVeMber 10, 2010

Dear Reader,

A Note From the e d i t o r s -i N -C h i e F

Kenyon Builds Unburnable Residence Hall

March 15, 1840
By Dingo Rockefeller OLD KENYON The college community turned out in droves yesterday to christen the newest addition to our campus: the so-called Old Kenyon Residence Hall, which is being hailed for its spacious rooms, its beautiful architecture, and, most of all, its complete imperviousness to fire. This is an historic day for Kenyon, said College President Luke Belfast, lighting the ceremonial fireworks on the steps of the new dormitory. With its stone foundations and copious ventilation, we finally have a building on campus that we can be certain will never be set ablaze. The building, which experts agree could not conceivably be engulfed in flame, took two and a half years to complete. In addition, it arrived significantly under budget, much to the delight of college officials. According to architect Eric Alexanian, this is due to the fact that, because of the impos-

Inside this issue of The Kenyon Collegiate, youll find something a little different from our standard fare. Were calling it the Archives Issue, for it contains all of the finest journalism from our 188 years of publishing the best and most important of all the articles weve ever printed. Each piece begins with the date when it was originally published. None of the facts, language, or predjudices have been updated to our modern standard all of the text appears in its original form. Enjoy, The Kenyon Collegiate

sibility of conflagration, the college was able to save money on such extravagances as extinguishers, smoke detectors and fire escapes. The response from students has been almost entirely positive. Were so excited to have a building on campus that can serve as such a model for safety, said Todd Packer 42, throw-

Kenyon students light up the night in celebration of their new unburnable dorm.

ing his lit cigarette onto a pile of oily rags in the corner of his new dorm room, whether hosting candlelight vigils, roasting wieners over an open flame or simply adding to my evergrowing magnifying glass collection, my classmates and I can remain confident that nothing will ever, ever go wrong.

Lord Kenyon Remains Drunken, Irresponsible Boor College Swim Teams See Dj Vu, Finish Winless Again
april 23, 1822
By Sir Edward Crigsby, of the Most Noble Order of the Garter LONDON True to form, that knave Lord Kenyon has once again disgraced himself in front of the upper echelons of British society. He appeared before the House of Lords clearly inebriated and twenty minutes after the meeting had started last week, wearing a pair of large sunshades that he no doubt thought cleverly disguised his drunken state. He spent the remainder of the meeting sniffling and coughing, attempting to look busy by shuffling a large sheaf of papers. When he tired of this, he attempted to take notes, the result of which was a rather grotesquely rendered image of Mrs. Maria Fitzherbert engaged in sexual congress with a number of men including one who looked suspiciously like Lord Kenyon himself. And let us not forget two months
t he kenyon collegiat e

March 1, 1979
By Herb Bruce

past when Lord Kenyon and his partner in crime Lord Gambier took a wild joyride on Mary MacReadys prize ass, Eustace. Kenyon and Gambier rode the animal until it bucked them off and they collided with Buckingham House. They dusted themselves off, proclaiming it a most excellent pass of the time, sirrah. Before Scot-

Lord Kenyon, carrying on as usual.

Continued on page 2.

GAMBIER The woes dont seem to end for Kenyons Swimming and Diving teams. The Lords and Ladies each ended yet another winless season last week by falling to conference rival Denison University. Its not so much of a rivalry, I dont think, remarked Barry Flurenheim, Denison head coach. I dont think our athletes see it that way. Its really more of a clinic. Like challenging a sea anemone to a footrace, he added. Since head coach Jim Steen was hired in 1976, the Lords and Ladies have yet to muster a single win. Athletic Director Alan Baird is beginning to wonder if Steen is the right man for the job. Results speak loudest, and the win/loss column is speaking very clearly to me, said Baird. No, Mr. AD, just give me another year, and

I promise I can turn this around these things dont mean anything to me. The results arent there. We may have to just cut the programs altogether, continued Baird. Its just that we dont have enough money to keep funding losers. Unlike Baird, Steen sees great promise for the future of Kenyon swimming. You know, we really got the talent, said Steen. Its all there. We just need to put in a solid effort and I think well find success. Were moving in the right direction. We have all the pieces, we just need to put them together. According to reports, the teams are fast becoming the laughing stock of the campus. Campus pranksters have begun targetting Steen and the swimmers, aiming to humiliate the swimming program even further. Even Baird hasnt excluded himself

Continued on page 2.
1

Dining Hall To Serve Food From Outside Knox County

Students No Longer Forced To Eat Local
OctOber 12, 1923
By Preston Montgomery Peirce Dining Hall Peirce Dining Hall will begin serving food from facilities outside of Knox County starting next week, school administrators announced Thursday. The decision, spearheaded by campus group People Endorsing Agricultural Shipping (PEAS), marks the beginning of the Colleges new campaign to stop serving locally grown food at Kenyon.

From Boor, page 1.

land Yard could apprehend the hooligans, they disappeared into a crowded alehouse. They were seen several hours later, drunk on sack, relieving themselves on the Houses of Parliament. All of them. Of course, we all remember the time that Lord Kenyon arrived, uninvited, to Viscount Trotmores Candlemas feast with fifty members of the House of Commons in tow. The unruly brigade consumed fifteen suckling pigs, seventy-two roast pheasants, and the Viscounts entire supply of Veuve Clicquot. When asked if he would reimburse Trotmore for the intrusion, Kenyon said, Ifaith, sirrah, Ill dot. Calm thyself. Or are thy garters in a bunch? He proceeded to arrive at the Viscounts Twelfth Night Feast with eighty-six members of the House of Commons and a number of ladies of ill repute. His gift to the Viscount was a single cask of ale, with the word ale scrawled over with the word Amontillado. Lord Kenyon spent the rest of the evening ogling the heaving chest of the Viscounts wife, Lady Anne, and was reported to have asked a number of ladies-in-waiting their opinions regarding illegitimate children. Truly, one would have to be in desperate straits indeed to request aid from such a clod.

I feel much safer eating food from a can, Bradley Bailey 24 said.
No longer will Kenyon students have to eat the awful dribble of Knox County, Head Chef Nathaniel Thomson said between bites of a sausage link packaged on the floor of a Detroit slaughterhouse. Now everyone can enjoy food as it was meant to be enjoyed freeze-dried by immigrants and shipped over a thousand miles.Thanks to new additions to the Erie Canal, Kenyon plans to bring in large quantities of foods from severely unregulated facilities as far away as Iowa. These shipments aim to end what many have called a monopoly of the schools eatery by local farmers, who gathered at the

Gambier Community Center this past Monday to discuss their outrage at the Colleges decision. My cousin says they got one of them new steel horses in Missouri that can till a field in under a week! local farmer Edward Bigsbee yelled amid shouts of It was them Chinese! and Pass the burr whiskey! We aint gonna stand a chance competing with them mah-chines, specially now that Ed Jr.s got the rickets! Quit yer hollerin, you old coots! local farming leader Cyrus Honeybucket yelled as he stood with his shotgun raised, quieting the crowd. Now I aint book-learned and such, but I got me a hunch that a time will come when the public will tire of this fancy far-off food, a time when them students will cry out for

Workers in Chicago take part in the new faraway-food economy.

locally grown meals and agrarian sustainability, Honeybucket said as an unusual silence fell over the group of overall-clad men. Hell, farming may even become kinda hip, with disillusioned students sticking around after graduation to work on our farms for next to nothing just to avoid getting a real job. And on that day, on that day, we farmers will have the last laugh. Honeybuckets farm was reportedly foreclosed the next day. Despite the community outrage, Kenyon students remain enthused about the prospect of new dining options. I feel much safer eating food from a can, Bradley Bailey 24 said while helping himself to a plate of mercury-tainted trout flash-frozen in a sweatshop in Minnesota. At least I know where its coming from.

From Swim Teams, page 1.

from the festivities; last week, when Steen requested money to order new kicking boards for the coming season, Baird instead sent a dozen boxes of water wings, or inflatable aquatic armbands, to Steens office. While Steens position as head coach may be in danger, it hasnt stopped him from brainstorming strategies to ensure the teams future successes. I think Ive been appealing to the wrong things in these kids, talking about the glory and privilege of being a student-athlete, etc., said Steen. Maybe Ill tempt them with a party or something. Where you can practically go naked. These hippydippy kids these days would eat that up. I just need to find an angle. With the teams future looking bleak, the administration faces an uphill battle to justify the continued expense. However, not all of Kenyon athletics are suffering; the Lords Football Team holds the NCAA record for most consecutive wins in the history of the league, and look forward to demolishing Hiram College on September 3.

Students Listen To Radio Broadcast As Pearl Harbor Explodes In Flames

DeceMber 8, 1941
By L. Rust Hills OLD KENYON Students and professors gathered in the Old Kenyon bomb shelter yesterday to have a good-old-fashioned radio-gatherround extravaganza. Kenyons ROTC and the newly formed Committee to Ban Asian Studies sponsored the party. Well, I wouldnt call it a party, said Scott Grodd 42, but yes, I guess I was surprised that so many people showed up. In spite of the need to prepare for upcoming finals, most said they felt drawn to Old Kenyon by a desire for community discourse and what Becker Fletcher 41 called the promise of being surrounded by four walls made of triple-reinforced concrete. I really appreciated the opportunity to really talk to my professors outside of class, said Clark Beasle 44. I was able to ask them questions like What is the possibility that this business will lead to my getting drafted? and When are your office hours again? Professor of Creative Writing Gerald Night brought refreshments in the form of cookies, canned meat, and a years supply of drinking water. Listening to an announcement by President Roosevelt, he gave some of his predictions. Frankly, he said, I expect every young lad in this room to be marched off to Iwo Jima before the year is up.

Pearl Harbor is so far away, but what happened today really hit home, said Frank Couch 41, emphasizing how social gatherings can work to bring the Kenyon community together. Grodd, the president of ROTC, called the event more subdued in tone than the groups last, WWIthemed party, The War to End All Wars. The Collegiate also noticed a shift in mood as we tried to interview people and were repeatedly told to be quiet and listen to the broadcast.

Students gathered in the state-of-the-art Old Kenyon bomb shelter.

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Tips For Purging Your Loins Of Unseemly Desires This Valentines Day
February 6, 1834
By Roderick Crenshaw, M.D.

Opinion & Advice

An Open Invitation To The New Ladies Of Kenyon

October 12, 1969
By Timothy Moonbeam Pallsberg

As the festival of St. Valentine approaches, it has become customary for a young man to give voice to the oft-silenced corners of his heart, and make known his affections for a particular lady of his acquaintance, often through the bestowing of trinkets and flowers. However innocent and decorous such practices may appear to the mature eye, one must not let their outward beauty mask the carnal desires hidden beneath. For in this time of romance, it is all too common for a man to succumb to the temptations of a maiden in the blush of youth and virtue. In order to prevent such catastrophes, I have called upon my medical expertise and compiled several prescriptions for the elimination of erotic feeling during this most dan-

gerous season. Firstly, it is recommended that the young man troubled by sinful urges should drink a simple mixture of goats blood, chamomile, and quicksilver. The brightest minds of medical science have discovered that this elixir, taken in the morning and evening, will quiet the mind of carnal thoughts and allow for diligent study and prayer. Should this treatment fail, either through lack of fortitude on the part of the patient or through the sheer force of the carnal urge, several more brutal methods may be attempted. A man in Zurich has found that on occasions when carnal desires manifest themselves physically modesty prevents me from describing this phenomenon any further, as there may be

please, whenever we want. Well have to shower. But I say to those dudes, whats your bag? Why cant we all just live in harmony? No need to change the flow weve got going! If you wanna join in our groove, the more the merrier! Were all students of life, fighting the system, livin the dream. After all, its Mother Nature we worship, not The Man. The times, they are a-changin. In fact, this gent sees no gender rather, I read your auras. However, I may need to feel

Brothers and sisters, we have a golden opportunity to get back to the garden.
Ladies of Kenyon, allow me to introduce myself: names Pallsberg, Timothy Pallsberg, but you can call me Moonbeam. Righteous. Anyway, I want to take this opportunity to welcome you chicks to our campus. Its a pretty happening spot, full of peace, love, poetry, and some groovy melodies provided by yours truly and Cheryl, my six-string acoustic bride (See? Youre not the only ladies on this hill. And Im pretty skilled at strumming more than folk songs, if you get my drift.) Youre here, were here, lets jam. Far out. Now, I dont want to bring you down, but lot of the less-righteous men here fought against your arrival, saying youll mess with the Kenyon vibe. Well have to do away with Pant-less Tuesday, they cried. Well lose our freedom to pee anywhere we your body in order to get a clearer impression. Gently, though. Softly. Preferably by candlelight, or at least by the glow of my lava lamp. Brothers and sisters, we have a golden opportunity to get back to the garden right here in Gambier. If we can put a man on the moon, why cant we put some ladies on this hill? Im not a big fan of local dates those Mount Vernon girls are way too square, and none of them listen to the Velvets. That being said, Im aware that the girly types are a bit different from us men. So, Im taking this opportunity to offer my services. Ladies, Ill help you read big words you dont understand. Ill explain the meanings of Milton and Melville. Ill point you in the direction of Middle

In extreme cases, a stern lashing by a schoolmaster may be neccessary.

lady readers a sudden and rigorous application of ice-cold water eliminates the problem. In extreme cases, a stern lashing by a schoolmaster or priest may be necessary to expunge lascivious thoughts. Should none of these methods prove effective, a hefty dose of opium, that wondrous cureall, is sure to restore the sin-ravaged man to a model of health and virtue.

Continued on page 4.

Continued on page 4.

New All-Student Crier Informs Campus Of The Inane, Profound

May 5, 1831
By Crispin Fleetwood GAMBIER, OH In an effort to create a campus-wide message forum for students and faculty, Kenyon administrators have hired the assistance of a town crier, thirtysix-year-old Jacoby Dobbs. Dobbs, whose powerful voice has lead him to several attention-grabbing jobs, walks up and down Middle Path every morning and every evening to shout student-submitted messages to all close enough to hear. The messages, which range from the administrative to the downright silly, can be submitted to Dobbs in person or at drop-box locations around campus. Dobbs will make rounds to ensure that each message submitted is announced. Whats so great about having Jacoby on campus, said Oliver Meeker, professor of anthropology, is that

Dobbs will make rounds to ensure that each message submitted is announced.
students not only have access to important campus information, but can supply information to other students. In the past, if a student lost her bicycle, she wouldnt have a place to accuse a stranger of stealing it. But now she has that outlet. Im so glad that we have this now, said Nicholas Shiller 32, a senior art major. I was on my way to

Wednesday falconry class, and I happened to hear Jacoby shouting, Hey guys, falconry is cancelled today. Ive been feeling ill lately. Clarence. What a lifesaver! Dobbs says that he has been personally thanked by several people for notifying them of their missing wallets. You know, sometimes all it takes to brighten someones day is a simple Hey, did you lose a brown wallet last night at Old Kenyon? Describe it, and you can have it back. Timothy Green. Its not the most efficient system, since the guy who has the wallet has to be in earshot of me when Im shouting the guys description of his wallet, but hey, its the best system we got. Dobbs has only been on campus for three weeks, and already an all-

student culture is emerging around his announcements. People are starting to use me as a vehicle for their clashing opinions of campus events. The other week, a debate surfaced over the quality of campus food, and let me tell you, it was a blast to be on my soapbox that day. I really got into the whole war aspect of the thing. Eventually I just got into a shouting match with myself. Dobbs loves his job, but he admits that there are certain messages that get to him. I encourage students to come to me when they have a complaint, but if I have to keep shouting out, To the asshole whos breathing too loudly in the library: kindly shut the fuck up! I might just lose it.

c ollegiate@kenyon.e d u

Entertainment & Local Businesses

From Purging, page 3.

For the ladies, I prescribe, as always, modest dress and demeanor, so as not to arouse or provoke impure thoughts. While most womens simple-minded innocence keeps them free of the lustful urges that so torment the male species, an unlucky few may find themselves in the grips of unseemly passions. A lady tortured by such deviant yearnings is advised to bathe in ice-water thrice daily and to place shattered glass in her shoes as she walks. If the lady refuses these treatments, there is no cure but to send her to a convent or a home for the infirm. However, should a lady experience that most shameful of desires, the Sapphic urge, a convent will only exacerbate her tragic condition. Such a woman cannot hope to lead a proper and virtuous life. There is nothing to be done but to put an end to her misery. Lastly, for the young lady who finds her virtue compromised, she is advised to secure the young mans hand in marriage, or else secure an abortifacient to rid herself of the foetus before the quickening.

A Beer For A Bundle: P.L. Newman And His Laundry Service

April 2, 1948
By Tate Farlin The dirty clothes are piling up in junior Paul P.L. Newman 49s closet and theyre not all his. Kenyons first Laundromat has hit the campus, operating under Newmans motto a beer for a bundle, promising a bottle of beer for every new customer. This bold marketing strategy has essentially bankrupted Mount Vernon laundry business Wash House. I had the opportunity to sit down with Newman to discuss his new endeavor. I met Kenyons laundryman on Middle Path, where he was standing on crutches, brooding about his days as a football player as he watched a small cat purr from the tin roof of Chalmers. With quiet grace and devastatingly blue eyes, he instantly commanded my attention. He spoke about how his laundry business has not quite found its own rhythm yet: customers have been complaining about delays for their returned clothes. But his business has come a long way. At first, no one was biting, and Newman says: I was saying to myself: Nothin. A handful of nothin. You stupid mullet head. But then I got around to realizing that yeah, well, sometimes nothin can be a real cool hand. So he came up with the idea to give the customer a benefit a bottle of beer for every load dropped off. Since then, business has skyrocketed. Boy, I got vision and the rest of world wears bifocals, fat man, Newman said later, as we spoke in the TBarracks, shooting pool. Maybe Im not such a high-class piece of property right now, he said, but a twenty-five percent slice of something big is better than a one hundred percent slice of nothing. He chalked up his stick as his cerulean eyes shot right into mine, and then he stared off into space, allowing me to appreciate his tenderly masculine profile. Money won is twice as sweet as money earned, he muttered, adding, Fat man, you shoot a great game of pool, before sinking all eight of his pool balls. When asked whether he would try

to continue the business even after graduation, he said no, but mused: When Im goin, I mean, when Im really goin I feel like a . . . like a jockey must feel. Hes sittin on his horse, hes got all that speed and that power underneath him . . . hes comin into the stretch, the pressures on im, and he knows . . . just feels . . . when to let it go and how much. Cause hes got everything workin for im: timing, touch. Its a great feeling, boy, its a real great feeling when youre right and you know youre right. Its like all of a sudden I got oil in my arm. He then ate over sixty hardboiled eggs, robbed a passing Bolivian banker, performed a high-level scam on a nearby poker game, and pretended to be the voice of a parked Hudson Hornet across the street. Despite what he calls his failure to communicate his true vision, Newman is glad the business is doing well, but he hints that he is tired of personal profit off. As he took a break from his pool game and munched on

Continued on page 5.

From Invitation, page 3.

Path its the big long one, right down the middle of campus (and if you want to see something else big and long and a bit dirty, hang a left to my pad, Leonard 305). I know girls get lost pretty easily. And, ladies, if you feel constrained by your bra and your skirt, by all means, take them off. If the walk back to your new dorms before the 9 p.m. curfew is too strenuous for your weak legs, you are always welcome to crash at Moonbeams Leonard 305, the one with the Doors poster on the door (get it?). Im no Charles Manson. I wont hurt you. Ill just gently stroke you while we smoke and braid each others hair. Ill sing you anthems of freedom. I am a Chaser, after all. Students of Kenyon, I have a dream: a campus where my brothers and my sisters all roll around in a giant orgy of raw bodies and sweet melodies. Its 1969 emphasis on the 69. Think about it. We are Lords and Ladies of LOVE. I cant envision a future where women would be viewed as anything less than the goddesses they are on this verdant hill. So heres to you, Coordinate College chicks. And if you want to have a bed-in with me, just like John and Yoko . . . Leonard 305. Moonbeams waiting to take you out of this world. Thats one small step for Kenyon, one giant leap into my sheets.

Dispatches From Abroad: The Western Front

August 7, 1918
By Thomas Atkins, 33rd Infantry Division Its your old pal Tommy Atkins writing from Picardy. My study abroad in France draft program has been a real life-changing experience for me. They just put me through something called Basic Training, which is a little like orientation only with slightly less yelling involved. Plus they gave me a fancy rifle and helmet once I finished it. Too neat. My commanding officer has me set up in a billet, which is apparently what the French call dorm rooms. Its cozy and my cot is really comfortable its got a wool blanket and everything. Tell Ned Hastings and his Old Kenyon single to go take a hike; Im living like a king over here. There are a lot of other beds in my billet suite, but Ive yet to see another soul. That just leaves more room for me, so Im more than fine with it. But whenever I ask Sergeant Dowd where my roommates are, he gets all teary-eyed and motions to a mound of dirt with a whole bunch of wooden crosses sticking out of it. I like Sergeant Dowd hes a real jokester. Its a little muddy over here, and a couple of the boys in my program have come down with something called trench foot. As far as I can tell, it just makes your foot smell really bad and then the skin peels off. I keep my tongue in check when I hear a guy complaining about it, but I cant help but think if these guys cant deal with a little mud without losing their feetskin, Im pretty sure they wouldnt last a day on Middle Path in the dead of February, haha. They say the French really know how to slow down and enjoy life, and boy howdy they arent lying. I have to carry around about eighty pounds worth of stuff in my haversack. Thats roughly half the weight of the books I had to carry back in good old Gambier. Id better watch out, or Im going to get spoiled rotten by all this easy living. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention the rum ration! Yeah, you read that right: mandatory alcohol every day. And dont even get me started on the free smokes Im getting or all the beautiful French mademoiselles. Tell Ned Hastings I hope hes enjoying all the lonely nights in Old Kenyon. Later in the day, I heard a whooshing sound followed by a huge boom further on down the trench. The Germans mustve been shooting off fireworks, so I hoofed it on over there

to check it out. I saw a whole bunch of guys in my program with thirddegree burns and missing limbs screaming their heads off the fireworks mustve hit our trench before they exploded. Sergeant Dowd said that since I was the only surviving member of my unit (haha, always with the joking, Sergeant Dowd!), that Id be going over the top on my own tomorrow morning. Not sure what that means, but Im sure itll be fine.

Atkins, sporting an outfit he bought abroad.

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Caples, Tiniest Skyscraper In New York, Finds A Home

July 11, 1961
By Dingo Rockefeller NORTH CAMPUS Caples, the teeny skyscraper that has been wandering on a sad but heartwarming quest to discover where she belonged, finally found a home in central Ohio this past week. Born in New York City to parents Citigroup Center and the Hearst Tower, Caples spent many happy childhood days playing construction games with the other young buildings. However, as her peers grew to twenty and thirty story heights and she remained only nine floors tall, she became the object of merciless teasing and ridicule. Picked on for her puniness, as well as her middling architectural design and sluggish elevator, Caples eventually ran away, seeking a place where she would fit in. Though she journeyed from city to city in America, she was unable to find a suitable home. In Seattle she was rebuked for being too oldfashioned. In Boston she was castigated for being too newfangled. In Atlanta she was disparaged for being too ugly. And in Detroit she was chided for being too beautiful. It appeared as though she would never find a place where she would be accepted for who she was. All hope seemed lost as Caples meandered into central Ohio and stood beside a river, looking at her reflection and weeping tears out of her many windows. However, as she did so, something miraculous happened. She encountered a ragtag group of squat, dilapidated buildings with funny names like Mather and Watson. They took her to where they lived and welcomed her with joy, for in their village she was the tallest building of all. As she looked around at her new friends, each shittier than the one before, she knew that she had finally found her home.

Kenyon Men Wait Nine Hours To Vote In Election of 1912

November 7, 1912
By Saul Oldman GAMBIER Tuesdays presidential election saw stunning, historymaking ramifications for these United States of America, and the men of Kenyon College were not left out by any means. Indeed, Kenyon is a name that shall be on the tongues of electioneers and historians alike for decades to come. Not even a month after its christening by Interim Mayor Brigadier Samson Pennyworth 70, the Gambier Community Center received its trial run as the red-blooded American males of Kenyon College began to line up as early as sunrise to vote for their choice of the four candidates running for the Republics highest office. Unfortunately, logistical issues caused the wait time for voting to increase to astronomical levels not seen in the democratic process since the near-legendary six-day quorum to elect Cleisthenes of Athens in 507 B.C. Handsome, mustachioed Kenyon men were seen in single file all the way from the single voting booth back to the Fairly Recent Dormitories on the campuss southern end. Food, water, and other provisions were delivered to the waiting mouths of the hungry young practioners of democracy by local ladies, Mount Vernon Falconry Club president Caleb Thatcher and his prize falcon, Bethuel. As all politically inclined Lords know, upstart New Jersey governor Woodrow Wilson carried the day,

upsetting the efforts of President William Howard Taft, former President Theodore Roosevelt, and Socialist candidate Eugene Debs.

The gentlemen of the student body wait dillegently to have their voices heard.

Handsome, mustachioed Kenyon men were seen in single file all the way from the single voting booth.
When asked about the days experience, Kenyon men carried the whole spectrum of reactions. Andrew van der Boom-Campbell, a free and accepted Republican, described his experience thusly: While it was something of a pain to wait in line for such a long time only to see the hated Wilson ascend to the presidency, it was worth it to see the fool Eugene Debs and his Socialists crushed. What is this, continued van der Boom-Campbell, the Paris Commune? Roosevelt supporter and Bull Moose Progressive Raymond George stated the following: Bully!

It seems his Great Rotundity President Taft has given us a damned good thrashing, eh? Never fear, chaps! The party of the small man against the great will live to fight another day! Rah rah! Tally-ho! WAR WITH GERMANY! Kenyons very own Alphonso Taft III 14 of the Cincinnati Tafts issued only the following statement: Oh, Uncle Billy! Why have you been defeated so? My heart swells with agony at your loss! Never again shall I deign to see the light of day not enshadowed by the your magnanimity! Woe is me! Tafts lifeless body was found just south of Fairly Recent Kenyon, apparently having succumbed to suicide by poison. There are now plans to build a series of residential cottages in his memory. In order to avoid future crises of this nature, Interim Mayor Pennyworth has vowed to pursue changes in the county electoral process that should last for at least ninety-two years.

Local Boy Sells Records Outside Farr Hall

August 15, 1962
By Michael Crimply FARR HALL Ten-year-old Thomas Little Tommy Murphy has set up his very own record stand outside of Farr Hall. Sources say the pint-sized entrepreneur wheeled a Radio Flyer full of brand new hits to Farr all the way from Wiggin Street Elementary. Our little collector even got his mitts on the latest album from The Archies. I like Sugar Sugar! exclaimed our miniature executive. Ill let ya have it for a nickel, or for a dime, Ill draw you a picture! he said, taking out a box of Crayola crayons. This ones of an old man selling records outside. Mom says it looks just like me! Im so proud of my little salesman, said Mrs. Murphy in an interview. And look at how he saves, she said, holding up a pickle jar full of glinting coins. With these business skills, Tommys going straight

From Laundry, page 4.

a dry salad, he pondered the possibility of donating the proceeds to charity. Ive seen the color of money, he said, and Ive had enough. Nevertheless, Newmans laundry service is a great boon to our community, even though it may not win any business awards until at least the 1980s, when it has really established itself as a legend. Until then, it is open every day, after chapel and until midnight.

If I just keep selling records at this rate, I could drink Yoo-Hoos every day!
to the top. Golly, by thirteen hell be on the floor of the NYSE. Little Tommy, however, has other plans. I sure do love these YooHoos, said Tommy, as he exchanged two hours worth of work for the irresistible chocolaty drink. If I just

keep selling records, at this rate, I could drink Yoo-Hoos every day for the rest of my life! Mrs. Murphy isnt the only one who appreciates the tykes go-getem attitude. Tommys got all the records I love like Rod Stewart! Gee, I hope he never leaves and that Rod Stewart never stops making music! said Kenyon student Biff Hornsby 70. Recently, Tommy hasnt been the only pocket-sized businessman in Gambier. Jimmy sure sells pretty hemp! said Tommy, pointing to an eleven-year-old dressed in a Baja pullover selling an assortment of bags, rugs, and sweaters. I like having a new friend. I hope he stays forever!
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C ollegiate@kenyon.e d u

A Moral Decree to the Seminary

December 14, 1824
By Philander Chase

Arts & Goings-On

Honorable Pupils of the Good Book, Welcome to Kenyon College, a place of worship and servitude to the Word of our omnipotent Lord and Savior almighty God. As founder and president, I, Philander Chase, feel it is my divine duty to outline the holy Mission of our hilltop Seminary, and give fair warning against sinful worldly temptations. Let it be known that this campus has been designd as a test of your faith to the Holy Spirit. The incredible beauty of this fair Arboretum in the tranquil months of autumn shall tempt you away from your saintly Studies. You may seek to express your sinful emotions through such blasphemy as Poetry and wicked flesh-gyrations, particularly when exposd to the tune of a Fiddle (the siren of Beelzebub himself!). But hark! Like eternal Aesops fable of the Grasshopper and the Ant, such boondoggling will leave you

woefully ill-prepared for the cruel trials of faith during the punitive months of winter. As you step outside of your dreary, unheated reformatories, you shall behold a barren wasteland devoid of color and hope. Middle Path, once a source of joy and unity, shall metamorphose into a muddy deathtrap of ice and ruination, where only those whose faith in the Lord burns unwavering shall tread unharmd. Sexual desire will fall to righteous annihilation as the oppressive cold and hideousness of the void-like expanses shrivel the Organ of Profanity to nothing more than a lifeless Prune. Horrible bells sounded by a troupe of Heretics shall toll from atop the Church at the end of each week and each quarter of the hour to remind you of the tortures that await the unfaithful in the endless pits of Hell. To safeguard against the temptations of the Prince of Darkness, Woman, the destroyer of all that is Holy and Good, shall be bannd from our hilltop bastion as shall the ghastly fluids that beget mindless conversation and unholy urination. Noble Fraternities of Men shall form to spread His standards of decency and moral righteousness. They shall bear upon their shoulders a forty-pound stone Cross at all times, and abstain from all worldly Pleasures. Further, those uncouth souls who wish to enter the sanctuary must pass through the gates of Heavn, two stone Pillars that defy all Scurrilousness. Thus have I decreed the Mission of this Seminary, which will surely continue in its just and supremely holy Contract for centuries to come.

Artist-In-Residence Presents Bexley Apartments

April 27, 1984
By Guy LeGuy It isnt every day, fellow art lovers, that the big world of contemporary art comes home to sleepy Gambier. But low and behold, when it rains, it pours, and the hurricane certainly has begun to brew around Stefan Mertzbaus Bexley Apartments, opening this Thursday. The Bexley Apartments blends the best of what art today has to say by saying almost nothing at all. In their stark details and dull design, from their modest scale to their ridiculously utilitarian bathrooms to the ironic inclusion of teal cabinetry, the Apartments epitomize our own cultural follies, exposing our bankrupt cultural priorities. They make physically real our masochistic desire to construct and reside in homes devoid of beauty and filled with nothing but our own discontents, over and over and over again.

This belief in a white house and a green lawn. Theres something really strange about that.
By appropriating the name of the luxuriously Gothic brick beauty that domineers over north campus, Bexley, in naming his own constructions, Mertzbau keeps the grandeur of the past at the forefront of the viewers mind as one surveys not progress, but bland perversion. The Apartments clearly reference a generally liquidated and forsaken architectural past. Gone are the Acropolis and the Pantheon, they seem to scream! The Bexley Apartments make painfully obvious how far we have fallen, both as a culture and as a campus. Where did you find this guy? you might ask! The most recent recipient of Kenyons Artist-in-Residence grant, Mertzbau, originally from Santa Monica, graduated from the Bern School of Fine Arts just two months before accepting the position. He has gloriously augmented and enlivened the Kenyon curriculum with classes in deep chanting and genital painting. Although The Apartments are Mertzbaus first fully realized installation, he has been thinking about architecture and saying something about it for a while, he said. One dream project features installing thousands of ridiculously priced food carts, selling only his own urine, in the plaza that surrounds the Coliseum.

Growing up in Southern California, Ive always been interested in the American ideal, Mertzbau said. This belief in a white house and a green lawn for all. Theres something really strange about that, and thats the kind of beautiful ugliness thats always fascinated me and motivated the work. The Bexley Apartments are our deepest desire and our greatest fear, done up in straight-faced, coldhearted vinyl siding. The true climactic moment for The Bexley Apartments as a transcendental, mind-blowing experience will surely be their much-anticipated demolition, which will serve as the cathartic conclusion to the installation and has been tentatively scheduled for finals week. That will be the real dream, the real American Dream, Mertzbau said. When we all cannot help but witness them all carelessly torn down. Only then we might begin to realize the real tragedy, that nothing can be made without anticipating its own destruction, its own un-making. And although meant to be temporary, The Apartments will likely leave a lasting impression on Kenyon for generations to come, Dean of Students Harry Greeley said. I personally plan on doing everything we can to make them last, he said. Theyre an opportunity for us to take advantage of, an opportunity we owe to the future.

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Self-Portrait (First Printed In 1983) Submitted Anonymously

T he Kenyon Collegiat e