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    Alternative Facts: Fake News, Tweets & the 2016 Election
    Alternative Facts: Fake News, Tweets & the 2016 Election
    Alternative Facts: Fake News, Tweets & the 2016 Election
    Ebook229 pages2 hours

    Alternative Facts: Fake News, Tweets & the 2016 Election

    By William Goodspeed

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    About this ebook

    In the spring of 2015, Americans were enthused about the upcoming 2016 Presidential Election. The election promised two new major party candidates and the prospect of a serious, constructive debate over America’s issues, both foreign and domestic.

    The campaign started with Secretary Hillary Clinton’s ‘spontaneous’ road trip to Iowa in a Scooby Doo van in April 2015. Not only did Secretary Clinton meet many ordinary Americans, she learned about self-serve gasoline and the delectable beauty of McDonald’s Quarter Pounder with Cheese. The Road Trip, it turned out, was a preview of an election campaign never before seen in America—or anywhere else in the known universe.

    Clinton’s van ride was soon eclipsed by Donald Trump’s famous escalator ride to announce his candidacy as a Republican. Where else but America could a reality TV star, thrice-married casino owner and real estate mogul make a serious bid for President?

    With Donald Trump’s entry, the race for President became more like Survivor than a serious campaign. Every day, the candidate generously heaped insults on his opponents by Twitter. He also infamously insulted Rosie O’Donnell, Pope Francis, Megyn Kelly and a former Miss Universe, calling her “Miss Piggy.” The Republican race became a circus act, complete with nicknames like “Little Marco”, “Lyin’ Ted” and “Low-energy Jeb.”

    The size of Donald Trump’s hands became a central issue in the primaries.

    As the field narrowed, the race hinged on two essential issues for America’s future: Secretary Clinton’s emails and Donald Trump’s comments about groping women. It was a battle of Titans, ultimately won by Mr. Trump in a shocking upset.

    The President-elect savored his victory by claiming widespread voter fraud.

    Alternative Facts presents a satirical history of the 2016 Campaign, from the Van Ride to the Election. Filled with hysterical articles poking fun of the candidates and the press, Alternative Facts is littered with relevant Tweets from the candidates
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherBookBaby
    Release dateMay 10, 2017
    ISBN9780998885315
    Alternative Facts: Fake News, Tweets & the 2016 Election
    Author

    William Goodspeed

    William Goodspeed launched his writing career with, The Point, a seasonal Northwestern Michigan newspaper with 125 unpaid subscribers. Despite earnest pleas from his devoted fans to quit writing, William wrote Buzz Kill. A former long-time resident of Charlotte, North Carolina, he lives in Maine and Michigan with his wife, Jen, and three badly behaved dogs.

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      Alternative Facts - William Goodspeed

      Author

      Trigger Warning

      Alternative Facts is a satire about the American Election of 2016. As such, it contains fictional accounts of public figures, including political figures and national journalists (all non-public figures are fictional). If you don’t understand satire or are offended by ideas contrary to your political leanings, avoid reading this book while operating heavy machinery.

      Alternative Facts does, however, contain hundreds of actual Tweets from political candidates, as well as real quotes. The author reviewed thousands of Tweets from 2015, 2016 and 2017 to provide real comments related to the topics of satirical articles and stories.

      In addition, the book contains verbatim Facebook responses to the satires. If you need to understand the election, look no further than the enlightening Facebook comments (note: the horrible grammar, spelling and occasional vulgar language in the comments are not the author’s) and the number of ‘likes’ of candidate Tweets.

      The Tweets and Facebook copies in this work are intended to provide context and meaning to the satires expressed in the blogs under Satirical Press International.

      1. Regular ‘Mericans: Clinton Road Trips to Iowa in Van

      April 2015

      Satirical Press International — Democratic Presidential Frontrunner and Former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, sat in her Chappaqua, New York home on a cool April afternoon with one of her longtime aides. They were finishing a bottle of nice 2004 French Bordeaux.

      Mrs. Clinton turned to her aide and said, You know what?

      What’s that, Madame Secretary?

      The 2004 is every bit as good as the 2002. I should never have doubted you.

      Good to hear. Sorry again that we ran out of the 2002.

      Don’t mention it. Hey, you know what would be great? Madame Secretary asked.

      If Donald Trump ran for President and won the Republican nomination? We’d be in like Flynn! the aide replied.

      The Republicans may be bat-shit crazy, but they’re not that crazy.

      What would be great, Madame Secretary?

      Why don’t we go on a road trip?

      Now?

      Why not? I don’t have a job now. It’d be fun. We could rent a Scooby-Doo van, get a cooler, some finger foods, and I have this great playlist on my iPhone. We could just drive and sing songs.

      Where would we go?

      I dunno. Let’s just get in the car and head somewhere random. Maybe Iowa?

      Good a place as any. Could we stop at McDonald’s?

      Yes! It would be good to be seen there.

      Goodie. I always crave a Big Mac and fries after drinking Bordeaux.

      I prefer brie and grapes.

      Madame Secretary, you are amazing.

      How so? Clinton asked.

      A former First Lady, United States Senator and Secretary of State and yet you really are a common person, totally down-to-earth. Imagine, a spontaneous road trip and even going to McDonald’s, the aide pointed out.

      Shucks. I’m just an ordinary gal — I don’t have to travel by private jet all the time.

      You really are a woman of the people.

      By the way, does McDonald’s serve French wines?

      POST-INAUGURATION POST SCRIPT:

      The Bad News: Secretary Clinton’s efforts to be a woman of the people hit a snag when her quarter million dollar speeches to Goldman Sachs, and her husband’s $17 million consulting contracts, came to light.

      The Good News: Secretary Clinton learned how to handle self-serve gasoline for the first time and became a fan of Quarter Pounders with Cheese and McDonald’s fries (who isn’t?).

      2. Trump Announces Presidential Run, ‘The Apprentice’ Panics

      June 2015

      Satirical Press International — The political world was abuzz today as real estate mogul, casino owner and Apprentice star Donald J. Trump announced his intention to run for the office of President of the United States. In a well-choreographed move, Mr. Trump and his wife, Melania, descended on an escalator in Trump Tower while the tune, Rockin’ in the Free World, blared.

      It was unbelievable, commented a tourist named Doris from Kansas, who was visiting Trump Tower. I mean, just as Mr. and Mrs. Trump decide to come downstairs, the song Rockin’ in the Free World kicks in really loud. It was a sign from above!

      A male reporter from NBC News, who had heard rumors of an announcement and hustled up Fifth Avenue, witnessed the event and was interviewed by Anderson Cooper of CNN: It was amazing — a thing of beauty. I couldn’t stop staring.

      Donald Trump was that awesome? Cooper inquired.

      Donald Trump? Oh, I didn’t notice him. I was referring to Melania.

      After the escalator ride, Mr. Trump assumed the podium with a backdrop of American flags and spoke to the gathering crowd, including Doris.

      He talked about how America had gone wrong, how we needed better deals, Doris explained. I didn’t know what was coming, but then he said America needed a leader who wrote ‘Art of the Deal’, and that narrowed it down a bit for me.

      By most counts, the Trump speech was uplifting. Mr. Trump talked about how America needed a cheerleader, a positive force, and that President Obama was no cheerleader. He said America needed someone who can take the brand of the U.S. around the world and make it great again.

      Politicians are usually so negative, so critical, Doris explained to CNN. It’s so refreshing to have someone so positive, so chivalrous running for President this time. The world is gonna love Mr. Trump!

      Not everyone was happy with the event, like NBC. Mr. Trump’s run for President means he can no longer star on the NBC show, The Apprentice. As Mr. Trump noted, The Apprentice is the number one show on television, but he would have to give it up.

      An executive for NBC, who wished to remain anonymous, said, It’s true. The Apprentice is number one, not counting the 66 shows ranked ahead of it.

      Asked who would replace Mr. Trump on the show, the executive said, We’re working on it, but Dick Cheney is lookin’ pretty good.

      POST-INAUGURATION POST SCRIPT:

      A few weeks into President Trump’s term, the author tried to reach Doris from Kansas to see how she felt about the President’s positivity and the new brand of the U.S. overseas. Apparently, the millions who protested after the inauguration, both home and abroad, were unaware of the positive branding efforts.

      Also, Trump’s successor on The Apprentice was Arnold Schwarzenegger. Mr. Trump’s initial praise soured a bit once the former California Governor took over:

      3. Megyn Kelly, Rosie O’Donnell Hammered in First Republican Debate

      August 2015

      Satirical Press International — The race for the Republican Nomination for the 45th President of the United States got off to bang last night at the first Republican debate in Cleveland, Ohio. The event was hosted by Fox News and watched by 24 million Americans.

      Incredible ratings, no surprise, none at all, Republican frontrunner, Donald Trump said, I’m the reason why.

      Fox News had hoped that the loyal viewers who made The Apprentice the 67th most popular show on television would follow Mr. Trump to the debate, and they were not disappointed—the viewing audience was much higher than expected.

      It was great theater tonight, exclaimed a Fox executive. Ten Republican candidates in a bloody free-for-all to make their mark without getting torched by Mr. Trump. We’re thinking about making this a killer reality TV show.

      Other networks conducted focus groups to understand viewer reaction to the event. NBC’s group, moderated by Lester Holt, displayed a diverse reaction to the Republicans’ performance. One participant, Norm, a truck driver from Pittsburgh wearing a tee shirt that said Kick Ass and Take Names with an American flag, summed up the view of many viewers:

      Trump don’t take shit from no one, Lester. He tells it like it is; people like Rosie O’Donnell should be on noticed. After Mr. Holt asked how he felt about Mr. Trump’s manner in the debate, Norm said, We need tough, confident people who beat the livin’ shit out of everyone. No more mamby pambies Muslims like Barack Hussein Obama. No makin’ omelets without crackin a few eggs.

      If Trump was the big winner of the night, the big losers were comedian Rosie O’Donnell and Fox News moderator Megyn Kelly. In response to a question from Kelly about referring to women as ‘fat pigs’, Mr. Trump said, Only Rosie O’Donnell.

      When Ms. Kelly corrected Mr. Trump to say he had insulted many more women than the Hollywood star, Trump said, I’ve been really nice to you, but I could not be based on the way you treated me. Tension between Mr. Trump and Ms. Kelly seemed palpable and will likely spill over past the debate.

      About this, Norm added: She’s just another liberal media person.

      Holt reminded him that Ms. Kelly works for Fox News, a notoriously conservative outfit.

      The only fair media is Rush Limbaugh. The rest is all a bunch a commies, Norm said.

      4. First Democratic Debate: Sanders Puts Clinton Email Controversy to Rest

      October 2015

      Satirical Press International — The Democratic Party staged the first of its debates last night in Las Vegas, Nevada with almost 16 million Americans watching on television. As expected, the largest conflict in the debate was between Democratic frontrunner, Secretary Hillary Clinton, and Vermont Senator, Bernie Sanders.

      Since Secretary Clinton is such a known commodity, focus group moderators were keen to see how Americans reacted to the relatively unknown Senator Sanders. In a focus group in Des Moines, Iowa, home of the first Democratic caucus, reactions to Mr. Sanders were mixed. One man, Floyd, a sixty-five year-old from Pella, said, I had never heard Senator Sanders before. He kinda reminds me of those old guys on The Muppet Show — you know — the crazy ones in the balcony making cat calls.

      A sophomore from Iowa State in nearby Ames, Bethany, had this to say about the former socialist: "I like the way he talks with his hands. It’s so, like, super cool. I’m also super stoked about getting free college since I have, like, two more

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