Jayplay

life. and how to have one.

November 12, 2009

*hardcover
the parent pursuit
adopted students and the choice to connect with birthparents

HIDEAWAY
Hide-and-seek in the stacks and seven other essential campus to-dos

caffeine and culture

art eXhibitions in downtown coffee shops

Jayplay
TABLE OF CONTENTS
* Cover photo illustration by Jerry Wang

November 12, 2009 // volume 7, issue 12

Come together

11

Starting a student group is easier than you think

Have some art with your coffee

Alternative art galleries in downtown Lawrence

Finding family
Adopted students seek out their birthparents

15

Growing up over a glass of beer

For writer Patrick De Oliveira, foamy glasses foster friendships

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CALENDAR
thursday, nov. 12th
POKER PUB Conroys Pub, 6 p.m. & 9 p.m., free, all ages THE JUNKYARD JAZZ BAND The American Legion, 7 p.m., free, all ages (500) DAYS OF SUMMER Woodruff Auditorium, 8 p.m., $2-$3, all ages NATIONAL ICON FINALS The Granada, 9 p.m., $10, all ages NEON DANCE PARTY The Jackpot Music Hall, 10 p.m., $1-$5, 18+ AFROBEATS WITH BRANDON DRAPER The Eighth St. Taproom, 10 p.m., $3, 21+ MEAT FLOWER / HORSE MOUNTAIN The Replay Lounge, 10 p.m., $2, 21+

friday, nov. 13th

FRIDAY NIGHT CONCERT SERIES Signs of Life, 7:30 p.m., free, all ages BLEEDING KANSAS DODGEBALL OPEN PLAY Community Building, 7:45 p.m., free, all ages (500) DAYS OF SUMMER Woodruff Auditorium, 8 p.m., $2-$3, all ages SLIGHTLY STOOPID Liberty Hall, 8 p.m., $20, all ages DIGABLE PLANETS: BUTTERFLY & DOODLEBUG The Bottleneck, 8 p.m., $16, all ages RETRO DANCE PARTY Wildes Chateau 24, 9 p.m., $3-$5, 18+ THE KING KHAN & BBQ SHOW / THOSE DARLINS / THE SPOOK LIGHTS The Jackpot, 10 p.m., $12$14, 18+ STATIONARY ODYSSEY / YOUR FACE The Replay Lounge, 10 p.m., $2-$3, 21+ ROMAN NUMERALS / COWBOY INDIAN BEAR The Eighth St. Taproom, 10 p.m., $3, 21+

saturday, nov.14th
POKER PUB Conroys Pub, 6 p.m. & 9 p.m., free, all ages SOLEDAD BARRIO AND NOCHE FLAMENCA The Lied Center, 7:30 p.m., $10-$25, all ages THE GLASS MENAGERIE Crafton-Preyer Theater, 7:30 p.m., $10-$18, all ages (500) DAYS OF SUMMER Woodruff Auditorium, 8 p.m., $2-$3, all ages BRENDAN BENSON / CORY CHISEL / THE DEAD GIRLS The Bottleneck, 8 p.m., $14.50-$15, all ages CHARLIE PARR / SUZANNAH JOHANNES / TYLER GREGORY & THE BLUE SHUFFLE The Jackpot Music Hall, 10 p.m., $6-$8, 18+ SECOND SATURDAYS WITH DJ CANDLEPANTS The Eighth St. Taproom, 10 p.m., $3, 21+

sunday, nov. 15th

POKER PUB The Pool Room, 7 p.m. & 10 p.m., free, 21+ PORUBSKYS TRANSCENDENT DELI Liberty Hall, 7 p.m., $6-$8, all ages SMACKDOWN TRIVIA The Bottleneck, 7:30 p.m., free-$5, 18+

monday, nov. 16th

DOLLAR BOWLING Royal Crest Bowling Lanes, 9 p.m., $1, all ages ORIGINAL MUSIC MONDAYS The Bottleneck, 9 p.m., all ages LOVE IN OCTOBER The Bottleneck, 9 p.m., $10, 18+ MR. GNOME The Replay Lounge, 10 p.m., $2, 21+ NETHERFRIENDS / FORTUNING The Eighth St. Taproom, 10 p.m., $3, 21+

tuesday, nov. 17th

MASON JENNINGS The Bottleneck, 6 p.m., $15-$16, all ages TWO FRESH The Bottleneck, 8 p.m., $8, all ages MIKE MCCLURE / MICKY AND THE MOTORCARS The Granada, 8 p.m., $13, all ages TUESDAY NITE SWING Kansas Union, 8 p.m., free, all ages THE CALAMITY CUBES / TATER FAMINE / OLD COUNTRY DEATH BAND The Jackpot Music Hall, 10 p.m., $5-$7, 18+

wednesday, nov. 18th

CHILI COOKOFF The Jackpot, 6 p.m., $2-$3, 18+ POKER PUB The Pool Room, 7 p.m. & 10 p.m., free, 21+ THE AMERICANA MUSIC ACADEMY JAM Signs of Life, 7:30 p.m., free, all ages EZRA FURMAN & THE HARPOONS / RACHEL GOODRICH / PEASANT The Bottleneck, 9 p.m., all ages CASEY DONAHEW / WHY 5 The Granada, 9 p.m., $12-$15, all ages ACOUSTIC OPEN JAM The Jazzhaus, 10 p.m., $2, 21+ AMERICANS IN FRANCE / ROOFTOP VIGILANTES / DER TODESKING The Replay Lounge, 10 p.m., $2, 21+

venues //
The Bottleneck 737 New Hampshire St. The Jackpot Music Hall 943 Massachusetts St. The Jazzhaus 926 1/2 Massachusetts St. Community Building 115 W. 11th St. Lawrence Arts Center 940 New Hampshire St. The Granada 1020 Massachusetts St. The Eighth St. Taproom 801 New Hampshire St. The Replay Lounge 946 Massachusetts St. The Pool Room 925 Iowa St. Wildes Chateau 24 2412 Iowa St. Duffys 2222 W. 6th St. Conroys Pub 3115 W. 6th St., Ste. D

editors note //
covered Campanile Hill in a trash bag at 3 a.m. sophomore year. And I remember the complete bliss of watching the 2008 championship basketball game downtown my junior year before parading through the streets to celebrate. These are things Im sure Ill never forget. Like many students, I came into college expecting not only to get an education, but to enjoy myself, make some friends and make some memories. And now that my college career is nearly over, I can see that my time outside of the classroom has been almost as valuable as my time inside of it. I know that in 20 years, I wont remember what grade I received on any of my exams, but I will remember all the people I met here and the times we shared. Check out Francescas story on page 5 about activities that some students see as essential to getting the full KU experience. Who knows, you may just find an activity that could turn out to be a highlight of your time on the Hill.

With my December graduation rapidly approaching, Ive been thinking a lot lately about what my time at the University means to me and what Ill remember most about the past four and a half years. Its sometimes difficult for me to pull out specific events from the blur of classes, parties and all-night study sessions. But there are still things that stand out vividly in my mind as if they happened only moments ago. I remember the excitement of storming the field at Memorial Stadium, being surprised by how massive the football players were, and watching as the crowd tossed the field-goal post into Potter Lake after a victory against Mizzou my freshman year. I remember the rush and subsequent freeze of blazing down a snow-

EDITOR // Sean Rosner ASSOCIATE EDITOR // Alex Garrison DESIGNERS // Laura Fisk, Liz Schulte CONTACT // Mia Iverson, Hailey Osterhaus HEALTH // Kirsten Hudson, Amy Johnson MANUAL // Francesca Chambers, Patrick De Oliveira, Andrea Olsen NOTICE // Hannah DeClerk, Kelci Shipley, Valerie Skubal PLAY // Sarah Bluvas, Zach Getz, Jake Lerman CONTRIBUTORS // Mike Anderson, Taylor Brown, Amber Jackson, Chelsea Johnson, KJHK music staff, Sasha Lund, Landon McDonald, Abby Olcese, Brett Phillippe, Nicolas Roesler, Amanda Sorell CREATIVE CONSULTANT // Carol Holstead CONTACT US // jayplay09@gmail.com

JAYPLAY

The University Daily Kansan 111 Stauffer-Flint Hall (785) 864-4810 1435 Jayhawk Blvd. Lawrence, KS 66045

// SEAN ROSNER, EDITOR

FOLLOW JAYPLAY ON TWITTER AT twitter.com/JayplayMagazine

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MANUAL

essential life skills // SALAD MAKING

in case of emergency, read quickly.
Now that youre in college, there are no more homemade dinners waiting for you after a long day of school. Eating out all the time is expensive, and cooking a full meal is timeconsuming. So whats one to do? The easy and healthy solution is to put together a salad because it doesnt take long to prepare and makes a healthy evening meal. There are four components to making a good salad, says Thomas Holland, manager at Ingredient, 947 Massachusetts St. First, you have to pick any kind of lettuce to serve as a base. Then, you add some kind of cheese, some kind of fruit and some other vegetable. Adding meat or tofu is also an option if you want to get some protein. The fun thing is finding a combination thats new and different, Holland says. Making the dressing may sound intimidating, but Holland says most stores have a good selection. If you want to make your own, an easy and tasty recipe is to mix three parts olive oil with one part balsamic vinegar and then add some seasoning, Holland says. So next time you think about calling in that pizza, just grab some fresh greens and toss together a well-seasoned salad.

// PATRICK DE OLIVEIRA
Photo illustration by Patrick De Oliveira Chop, chop: Making salads is a quick, easy way to fill up and stay healthy. A good salad has four key components lettuce, cheese, fruit (or vegetable) and protein.

its not all about fast food and beer pong.

A guitarist plays while a row of male singers and a lone woman sit in chairs, rhythmically clapping their hands palmas to the 12-count beat. One of the men begins passionately singing in Spanish. Slowly, the female soloist rises and begins to tap her feet lightening fast to the beat. Shes like a percussionist in dialogue with everyone. When she is moving, she is interpreting his lyrics, says Michelle Hayes, professor of dance, of the famous flamenco dancer in the video, Eva La Yerbabuena. Hayes, who teaches the dance as a course at the University and at the Lawrence Arts Center every semester, says she is not nearly as talented as Yerbabuena, even though she has studied flamenco for 18 years in the U.S. and its country of origin, Spain. Perfecting just the posture and arm and hand movements took years for Elizabeth Villalobos, Mexicali, Mexico, graduate student. However, Villalobos says she would have excelled at dancing the flamenco long ago if she had always had Hayes as her teacher. If youd rather look first and then learn, Noche Flamenca, a famous contemporary flamenco dance troupe, will perform at 7:30 p.m. Saturday at the Lied Center. Hayes will also perform the flamenco the following

get some culture // FLAMENCO DANCING

Thursday and Friday at the same time and place as part of the University Dance Companys fall concert. Although learning to dance the flamenco well takes most dancers a decade, its clear by the look in Hayes eyes that learning the difficult dance is worth the time. For me, its the perfect fusion of music and dance, she says.

// FRANCESCA CHAMBERS

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Photo by Francesca Chambers Favorite stance: Elizabeth Villobos, Mexicali, Mexico, graduate student, has studied flamenco, a traditional, graceful Spanish dance, for years.

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Attend a Bowl or Final Four Game Climb the Buildings on Campus
Whether youre looking for an adrenaline rush or a romantic place to take your lover, sneaking on the roof of campus buildings is a must-do. The roofs of most campus buildings are easily accessible from sturdy outdoor stairways, says Dan Cline, Overland Park senior, but his favorite building top Mallot Hall is particularly difficult to reach. He had to climb out a window while it was snowing and over a wall Tomb Raider style last winter, he says, before reaching the area of the roof where the maintenance door that is unlocked from the outside is located. It was a sweet view. You could see everything from up there, he says.

MANUAL

THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU GRADUATE

Play Hide-and-Seek in the Stacks

// FRANCESCA CHAMBERS

Ways to get the most out of your time at the University 5

Watch a Womens or Non-Revenue Sport

Attend a KU Theatre Production

All former, present and future KU students probably have a different list of activities they think all KU students should experience before graduation. But for realistic purposes, heres a list based on the common suggestions of a wide-variety of students that graduating seniors can still complete before May. Jp

Even if people sometimes complain about the notoriety of KUs athletics programs compared with academics, were football and basketball fans at heart. Many who attended KU during the 2007 school year can attest to the pride and exhilaration they felt during the NCAA basketball tournament when they realized KU might win a bowl game and a national championship game during the same school year. Imagine watching our teams win live. Sure, drunkenly running down Massachusetts St., screaming to the cops, WE WON, was amusing. Drunkenly running down San Antonios Riverwalk screaming WE WON to pissed-off North Carolina fans? Priceless.

The areas where books are shelved in Watson Library are separated into three wings: West, Center and East. Each wing has floors and half-floors. Sounds easy to navigate through? Not quite. Many of the floors and half-floors are unconnected to their adjacent wings. You must use elevators and staircases to reach the Center, and then make your way to the desired floor and wing. Hardly anyone visits the stacks late at night, so its the perfect time to play a game with a group of friends. You can up the ante by trying capture the flag. Just make sure you reshelve any books you knock over. Overturned books will give away your hiding spot to your competitors and disgruntled library employees.

KU Theatre productions are one of the only opportunities you have at KU to see your peers academic progress, says Elizabeth Elliott, Houston senior, which is one reason she adores being a theatre major. The theatre department does a fantastic job of selecting a mix of classical and contemporary pieces that are applicable to students lives. Most people who come to the performances become regulars, says Elliott, who is the lead role in the upcoming play, Distraction. Student tickets cost only $10 a small price to watch rising stars. One of us is bound to make it someday, Elliott says.

Just because theyre not on ESPN, that doesnt mean womens sports are not fun to watch. Alex Sheppard, Great Bend freshman, says he enjoyed attending womens soccer and swimming events this semester. And Im sure the girls appreciate it, too, he says. Non-athletes dont realize how rigorous and time-consuming games and practices are for athletes who play non-revenue KU sports. If the University had a mens swim team, Sheppard, who is a swimmer, says he wouldnt have a life outside of swimming and school.

Get Frisky at Potter Lake

Go Sledding Down Daisy Hill

The term Sex on the Hill didnt create itself. At night, the lake looks like a black abyss from the road. But if you walk down the hill and off the pathways, the moon will light your way into groves of trees. A rendezvous at the lake is more exciting when its spontaneous, but if you plan your tryst, bring a blanket and bug spray. The ground by the lake if often damp, and who knows what types plants are growing over there.

Kansan file photo

Now that KU Dining Services has dispensed with trays, sledding down Daisy or Campanile Hill is undoubtedly less exciting than it was a couple years ago. But you can still grab a trash can lid or hop in a couple of trash bags and turn a cold, snowy day into one of your favorite college experiences. Take advantage of the large hills on campus while you can you may never have the opportunity to enjoy such a magnificent sledding opportunity again.

Swim in the Chi Omega Fountain

Photo by Alex Bonham-Carter

As soon as she saw Alpha Chi Omega on her sorority acceptance letter, Alexa Backman, Manhattan freshman, and the rest of her pledge class ran to the Chi Omega fountain. The water was cold, and she was wearing jeans. But Backman says she is glad her experience was spur-of-the moment, even though she was not properly dressed to go swimming. When the time is right, just do it, Backman says about taking the plunge. Just be sure to stay on the lower level of the fountain. If the KU police see you climbing the upper tiers, theyll give you at ticket.

Photo by Alex Bonham-Carter

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MANUAL

COME TOGETHER
When students at the University go through orientation, they hear about the hundreds of clubs on campus to be involved in. But what if those 480 student groups dont satisfy your needs? Vans Copple, Salt Lake City senior, saw a need for a classics club on campus. After speaking with professors and students in the classics department, she found an interest in starting a student group devoted to the works of ancient Greece and Rome. A similar club had existed five years ago, but had since disbanded. Copple decided to get the group going again and this past spring she sent out e-mails to those interested in joining. The first step in the process is registering your student group through the Student Involvement and Leadership Center. Starting a student group is a simple task you just have to be organized. All a student group needs to register is three officers, all of whom must be current KU students, and a faculty adviser. Once you get past that step, you can go online to register your group. The registration form can be found on the SILC website under the Get Involved tab. List your organizations name, as well as contact information for each officer and the adviser. After filling out the form online, Aaron Quisenberry, associate director of SILC, reviews your form. All applicants are approved, providing they complete all the steps. In order to finalize the registration, all officers and the adviser must click the confirmation link in an automated e-mail from SILC. Without all the confirmation e-mails, the student group registration is incomplete. Once your student group gets approved, you have access to a variety of perks. You can reserve rooms on campus for your group to meet, be listed on the KU website, and have your events posted on the KU events calendar. But most importantly you have access to funding from Student Senate, as long as you follow the necessary steps. Each student group at the University is eligible to receive $200 per school year, which comes out of the $15.50 Student Senate activity fee paid by every student. Alex Earles, Salina junior and Student Executive Committee chairman, says this money is often spent on paper and copying costs for student groups. Any additional funding needs to be approved through a two-week legislative process. The group writes a bill and presents it to two standing committees of Senate. Then they must get approval from the full Senate. Earles says these bills usually pass easily as long as they follow the guidelines. The money has to be spent in a

How to start your own student group at KU

// ANDREA OLSEN

Photo by Alex Bonham-Carter Classic film for the Classics Club: Students watch Jason and the Argonauts, a 1963 film depicting ancient Greek myth, during a presentation put on by the KU Classics Club earlier this month. The Classics Club was founded this semester and is just one of more than 480 registered student organizations on campus.

way that benefits the campus community, and it cannot be used on T-shirts, food or grants for group members. Additional funding from Senate is usually limited to $1,000, and student groups must look to other sources for anything beyond that. The Engineering Student Council uses extra funding from Senate for their annual Engineering EXPO. Abby Rimel, Aurora, Colo., junior, and vice president of the ESC, says the EXPO is one of the biggest events of the year. It is a conference to recruit high-school and junior-high students, allowing them to see the different programs at the school of engineering. Copple and other members of the Classics Club wrote a bill at the beginning of the school year requesting additional funding to host a movie event. They used the money to pay the copyright fees to show A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum in October, and Jason and the Argonauts earlier this month. The process of starting a group seems a lot harder than it actually is, Copple says. All you have to do is have an idea, a few members, and follow directions. Jp

Looking to get involved? Here are some offbeat groups on campus that may spark your interest.
STITCH TACTICS: Think you have what it takes to be the next star of Saturday Night Live? Polish your skills with this campus group dedicated to improvisational acting. ZOMBIE AWARENESS COUNCIL: Afraid of an impending zombie attack on
Lawrence? Help devise a survival plan and promote zombie awareness by joining this group.

PRISON BALL CLUB: Those not afraid of full-contact sports might take interest in this
game, which is a more intense version of dodge ball. Play at your own risk.

JUGGLING CLUB: This student group helps teach beginners juggling and new tricks
for those who are already practiced in the skill. Group members regularly meet on campus (depending on the weather) to juggle together.

Contact information for all student organizations is located on the SILC website, www.silc.ku.edu.

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HEALTH

good for you/bad for you // ANTIPERSPIRANTS thats disgusting // ACRYLIC NAILS
sometimes its hard to tell. dude. gross.
Some rumors link the antiperspirant you use to smell fresh to cancer and other health concerns caused by blocking sweat glands. Is there truth to this underarm buzz or is it just myth? Antiperspirants dont permanently block sweat ducts, says Lee Bittenbender, dermatologist at the Dermatology Center of Lawrence, 930 Iowa St. Some prescription antiperspirants do temporarily plug sweat ducts, but they wont cause damage, he says. Generally the most harm using an antiperspirant can do is cause irritation, Bittenbender says. Any irritation can be cleared up by switching antiperspirants or by using an anti-inflammatory or cortisone cream. A few studies have linked harmful chemicals in antiperspirants to cancer, specifically breast cancer. According to the Mayo Clinic, these reports say wharmful aluminum compounds in antiperspirants can absorb into the body through the skin or through cuts caused by shaving. But studies that have tested these claims remain inconclusive. Still nervous? Try an aluminum-free deodorant or other methods to stop underarm sweat. Iontophoresis, a process that sends electrical Those fancy acrylic nails you just got might look pretty, but whats underneath them isnt so nice. Wearing acrylic nails makes you more susceptible to catching a nail fungus, says Kendra Robinson, nail technician at Salon di Marco, 733 Massachusetts St. If you wait longer than the recommended one to two weeks before getting your acrylic nails filled in, the acrylic will start to lift off the natural nail bed. When this happens, moisture from washing your hands and dirt gets stuck under the acrylic nail. Filling in the nail then traps that dirt and moisture under the acrylic, providing a breeding ground for bacteria. Plus, you wont be able to tell if you have a nail fungus because you cant see it, Robinson says. Even if you dont have a nail fungus, your natural nail under the acrylic is still a scary sight. In order to attach acrylic nails, the natural nails get filed down, making them thin and brittle. This not only makes it more difficult to grow strong natural nails, but also makes them easier to rip off. Meaning if the acrylic nail starts to rip, its probably taking

Photo illustration by Kirsten Hudson Grow your own: Acrylic nails can trap moisture and dirt, providing a breeding ground for bacteria.

Photo illustration by Kirsten Hudson Under pressure: Could the antiperspirant you use to keep yourself out of potentially stinky situation actually be a potential health risk?

currents through the skin to block the flow of sweat or botox injections are other alternatives to stop excessive sweating, says Joseph Gadzia, dermatologist at the Kansas Medical Clinic for dermatology in Topeka. Or you could always just go without and embrace your sweaty, smelly self.

VERDICT: OK FOR YOU

// KIRSTEN HUDSON

your natural nail along with it. Ouch! If you want to remove your acrylic nails yourself, dont just grit your teeth and rip. Robinson recommends first buffing the acrylic nails down to thin them out. Then dip cotton balls in acetone, place one on each nail and wrap them in foil to hold them in place. Let the acetone soak into the nail for a few minutes then remove the foil and cotton balls. If the acrylic nail doesnt peel off easily, use a cuticle pusher to gently pick at the nail and remove it. To keep sensitive, post-acrylic nails strong, use a clear, strengthening nail polish and consider keeping your nails au naturale from now on.

// KIRSTEN HUDSON

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FEATURE

FAMILY
// KELCI SHIPLEY

finding
Adopted students and their choice to search
Sean McConville is lost in a crowd. Its the summer before senior year of high school and hes standing in a parking lot at 7 a.m. in Stillwater, Minn. Thousands of other runners are milling around, gearing up for the 10-mile race set to begin. Hes searching for someone. Shes supposed to be standing by that sign, but shes not. He turns around and is immediately greeted by a woman with deep brown eyes and a big white smile. Hes looking at his birthmother for the first time in 17 years. McConville, Minneapolis, Minn., senior, grew up knowing he was adopted. Pictures of his birthmother, Becky, were in his family photo albums. She wrote him letters describing her daily activities and eventual graduation from college. The letters arrived once per year around Christmas, right before his birthday. McConville didnt write back. He says he didnt know what to say to someone who already knew so much about him from his adoptive mother, Sue. His was an open adoption, and Sue had kept Becky up-todate on his development. The consistent relationship between McConvilles adoptive mother and birthmother allowed him to understand his adoption, but growing up an adopted child wasnt always easy. In his early teen years, McConville began to recognize the differences between him and his adoptive family. He remembers sitting inside a cozy cabin on Lake Superior, his parents absorbed in books while he was itching to go outside and enjoy the beautiful weather. McConville says he likes being active, enjoying activities such as fishing and hunting. He says the differences between his on-the-move lifestyle and his adoptive parents homey hobbies made him feel isolated. Around the age of 14, McConvilles adoptive parents approached him with the idea of meeting Becky. McConville says hed always been curious about her and wanted to see her. McConvilles adoptive mom, Sue, told Becky and they arranged a reunion. They planned to run the 10-mile race together as a tribute to their similar participation in track and cross country. Open adoptions make it easier for adoptees to locate and reunite with their birthmothers because birthmothers and adoptive parents often stay in touch, as Becky and Sue did. Open adoption isnt a legal term, says Marilyn Waugh, director of Adoption Concerns Triangle, an adoption- and search-support group in Topeka. Open adoption is designed to be a childcentered arrangement based upon the premise that humans need genetic continuity to attain a healthy identity, Waugh says. Historically, the push for open adoption began in the 1970s, when the stigma of unmarried mothers began to diminish. By the 1990s, closed adoptions were a thing of the past, giving way to open adoptions that facilitate ongoing contact between the birthmother and child. Back in the parking lot, McConville is overwhelmed in the moment of meeting Becky. Oh, god, what do I do? he thinks. Becky is accompanied by her husband, Jim, and three daughters, Clara, Carly and Cece. Everyone smiles and looks at each other. She asks if its OK to give him a hug. It was the most surreal thing Ive experienced, he says. I felt like I knew her my whole life. He and Becky get on the bus that takes them to the start of the race. They talk for awhile but McConville, whos not a morning person, starts to doze off. Ill just let you sleep, Becky says. As the race is about to begin they jostle with the crowd for starting positions near each other. The gunshot sounds. In between strides, Becky tells McConville of her relationship with his father, Dan. He was shutoff from the beginning, not really wanting to be involved with the adoption process. She describes her pregnancy and her decision to give him up. She says she wouldnt have been a good mom and wasnt in the right place at the time, wanting to

maintain her life as a fun-loving college student. You wouldve hated me, she says. Waugh, of Adoption Concerns Triangle, says meetings between birthmothers and their children benefit adoptees because it allows them to see someone who looks like them, realize their similar interests and understand any lack of connection they may feel with their adoptive family. Its like going to the movies, she says. You always want to see the story in the beginning. At the finish line, McConville waits for Becky, who slowed down after they ran the first nine miles together. She was prepared for this to be the one and only time they meet, but McConville wants to keep a relationship going. They talk on the phone once per month and McConville visits when hes back in Minnesota. Although he has a continuing relationship with Becky, hes still never met his birthfather, Dan.

It was the most surreal thing Ive experienced. I felt like I knew her my whole life.
Sean McConville, Minneapolis, Minn., senior
McConville has had Dans number for five years, but keeps putting it off. He says Dans closedoff demeanor may be a factor in his hesitation. Despite his reluctance, McConville says he would regret not meeting Dan after hearing about their similar mannerisms and interests from Becky. McConville hopes to meet Dan sometime after graduating from the University in December. After a successful meeting and continued

relationship with his birthmother, McConville says hes happy with the way his lifes played out. Becky is supportive and loving, but doesnt try to replace his adoptive parents. Theyll always have the first 17 years, he says. McConville says he sees Becky more like an older sister than a mother. She doesnt try to raise him, and allows him to be his own person. Another student raised by adoptive parents, Leah Cullen, is just starting down the path McConville has taken. Cullen, Overland Park junior, thumbs through an old yearbook at Haskell Indian Nations University. She lands upon a volleyball team picture of the purple-clad Lady Indians and spots a familiar face. Its her birthmother, Shelley. They have the same athletic skills, the same dark hair and the same brown eyes. This is so weird, Cullen thinks. Im the same age, and Im in the same place as you were. Born at Lawrence Memorial Hospital in 1989, Cullen never thought she would be back in Lawrence. She was looking to play volleyball at the University of Arkansas, not considering attending school 30 minutes from her hometown. But now, Cullen is a KU student, and being here has made her want to find her birthparents, she says. Like McConville, Cullen had an open adoption. She says she considers herself lucky to know as much as she does about her adoption. She knows that her birthparents both went to Haskell. Her birthmother played volleyball and ran track, and her birthfather played basketball and football. Shelley got pregnant at the age of 18 and gave Cullen up for adoption through Catholic Charities of Northeast Kansas three weeks after the birth. Cullen says she knew she was adopted as soon as she understood the definition around age 3. Her adoptive mom, Patricia, says she began using the adoption word immediately in a familiar and positive way to help Cullen understand. Patricia says she let Cullen take the lead and answered questions about her birthparents looks,

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FEATURE
QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE YOU SEARCH
What am I hoping for? Searching for a birthparent can bring closure into an adoptees life, says Nancy Bean, director of Adoption Services and Counseling for Families, Inc. Sometimes just seeing someone who looks like you is enough. What am I expecting? Sometimes birthparents have no desire to meet their children. Being prepared for this reality beforehand will make it easier if you are disappointed with the outcome. Who am I going to find? Records dont always contain exact locations, so it may be difficult to track down your birthparents. They may also be in financial difficulty or not together anymore. Its important to evaluate these possibilities before reuniting. What might the reunion be like? Bean says adoptees need to go into the reunion with an open mind, but should understand that sometimes there isnt an immediate connection. She says that you may not know what the chemistry will be like until you meet. What kind of relationship do I want? Not only must you be prepared for the idea that the birthparents may not want to communicate, but you should also decide how much youre willing to keep in touch. Being in each others lives is a decision that should be agreed upon by both parties.

Photo by Andrew Hoxey

Lifetime legacy: Leah Cullen, Overland Park sophomore (left), has begun to search for her birthmother, Shelley (right, pictured with Cullen), who she has some information about but has not heard from since her adoption as a baby.

Contributed photo

relationship and medical history. Ever since first grade, Cullen says she was obsessed with the idea of meeting her birthmother. Patricia had been sending Shelley a letter once per year, and at 8 years old, Cullen asked if she could send one, too. Cullen began writing Shelley letters, hoping she was doing well and telling her about their similar looks and passion for volleyball. The letters were sent to the agency and forwarded to Shelley. Shelley didnt write back, which was hard for Cullen. Patricia explained that it might be difficult for her to respond because of the emotional difficulty of being in contact with a child she couldnt keep. Undeterred by a lack of communication, Cullen remained hopeful. She says she had a countdown to her 18th birthday when she could begin the search. But two years later Cullen hadnt made any attempt to obtain her original birth certificate or adoption files. She says she became busy with high school club volleyball

and entering college, and didnt make time for it. It became less important the older I got, she says. Now a sophomore in college, Cullen wants to pursue her search. She is planning on going to the Kansas Bureau of Vital Statistics in Topeka to get her original birth certificate. On this birth certificate are the full names of her birthparents, Shelley and Todd, as well as the name given to her at birth, Ashley LaMere. Cullen thinks that seeing the birth certificate will make her adoption seem more real. Cullen also wants to obtain her adoption files, which are kept at Catholic Charities of Northeast Kansas, now located in Kansas City, Kan., and plans to get them before searching for her birthmother this summer. Catholic Charities says that it can help adoptees in two ways. First, it can provide non-identifying information, which may include medical, genetic and social history, but includes no names or locations. Second, the

agency can perform a search for a $100 fee, but does not guarantee it will be able to find the birthparents. Nancy Bean, director of Adoption and Counseling Services for Families, Inc., in Overland Park, says that its important for adoptees to question their fears and expectations before setting up a meeting. Sometimes people get caught up in an idealized image of who their birthfamily is. But adoptees should set boundaries and not let their fears stand in the way of a potential reunion. The intensity is a little like falling in love, she says. Adoptees need to be prepared for the rush of emotions they may encounter. Even though she was obsessed with getting her picture perfect situation when she was younger, Cullen says she gradually began to realize its not all about you when searching for a birthparent. After watching an episode of MTVs True Life: Im Adopted, Cullen says she began to

understand that giving up a child is a painful thing for a birthparent, and that a reunion might bring back devastating memories. Cullen says she used to be selfish in wanting to communicate and have a relationship with her birthmother, but sees that now she could be storming in on someones life. Bean says that you dont want to bulldoze through the process, but should tread lightly. Cullen agrees, and would prefer to initiate contact the old fashioned way by sending a letter. I dont think Ill call her. I think shed drop dead on the floor, she says. The transition from a romantic ideal to what could be a hurtful reality has been a gradual one for Cullen. She says shes grateful for how she was raised, being able to attend a private Catholic high school and staying in nice hotels for her club volleyball tournaments. Cullen says she doesnt necessarily desire a relationship with her birthmother because of her strong Continued on page 10

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Continued from page 9 relationship with her adoptive parents. She says she would leave the amount of contact up to her birthmother. Her adoptive mother, Patricia, agrees. Patricia says she doesnt see the possibility of a reunion as a threat because shes secure in her relationship with Cullen. She supports Cullen in her search, helping her contact agencies and getting her original birth certificate. If its important to her its important to me, she says. As far as the outcome of a meeting, Patricia says that she is cautiously optimistic, wanting the best for Cullen. Although some adoptees think that meeting their birthparents is a significant part of their lives, others dont. Chris Albrecht, Olathe junior, says that for him a reunion isnt necessary. Albrechts adoption was closed when he was 7 years old, when his adoptive parents decided it would be best to prevent the birthmother from becoming overly attached. Albrecht says that around age 10, he first asked about being adopted, but didnt realize the full scope of what it meant. Albrecht says one major factor in his decision to abstain from meeting his birthmother comes from his fulfilling attachment with his adoptive parents. He says he wonders about the habits and traits he may share with his birthparents he knows his father plays the drums, which Albrecht also enjoys but similarities arent enough to push him to want to find his birthparents. Anyone can father a child, but to be a dad you have to forge a connection at some point. Bean, of Adoption and Counseling Services for Families, Inc., says that the older adoptees get, the more likely they are to seek out their birthparents, but everyone needs their own right time to do it. She says the adoptee should not be going through a life crisis and should calmly enter into the relationship. She also says its optimal if the families have been connected since the birth of the child. Ultimately, the adoptee needs to find the right time to do it themselves, and be prepared for a life-changing outcome. Jp

NOTICE

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GUY: GIRL:
Originally Im from the Netherlands. Wow, I have always wanted to visit Neverland.

GUY 1 :

I had a rough night. I kept getting my fingers stuck in the holes, and I couldnt control the ball. What the hell? Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention I was bowling.

GUY 2 : GUY 1 :

PROFESSOR:
(addressing the class) If I walk through the Campanile, will all of you fail?

GIRL 1 : GIRL 2 : GIRL 1 :

Hooded sweatshirts make people look so fat. Yeah, or pregnant. True, and I would much rather be pregnant than fat.

GIRL 1 :

Yeah, I work at Planned Parenthood. If you ever need anything Ill get you a discount. So, like a buy two, get one free deal?

GIRL 2 :

GIRL 1 : GIRL 2 : GIRL 1: GIRL 2 :

Yeah, growing up, I was involved in 4H. Dont lie. We all know that you litter all the time.

Did you hear me calling your name from the bathroom? No, sorry. I went to grab some lunch while you were gone. I really needed you. I was peeing and a bee stung me in the vagina.

GIRL 1 :

GRANADA
LMFAO

// HANNAH DECLERK

tomorrows news // MY LIFE IS AVERAGE

just call us Cleo.
For those of us whose lives dont suck enough to post a cringe-worthy story on fmylife.com, there is My Life is Average. My Life is Average is for occurrences in life that range from the bland to the extraordinary. Developed this summer, MLIA is, according to the site, a place to share your everyday mediocrity. Formatted much like FMyLife, most stories begin with Today ... and end in MLIA. Though it started as a place where people put truly boring happenings such as brushing their teeth or going to school, MLIA contributors have quickly developed their stories to include the extraordinary things that happen in their seemingly average lives. Grandkids finding their grandmas rap-filled iPod, teachers having lightsaber fights in the hallway at school, major coincidental events and much more can be found on the site. I love it, its much less depressing than FMyLife, says Dan Morford, St. Marys junior. I read it all the time because my life is average. If you think your life is average, check out mylifeisaverage.com and compare. It may make you feel better or just make you jealous, but either way it will make you laugh.

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Today, I wore Axe body spray. I wasnt tackled by any women. MLIA. Today, I went to the store and bought some Land OLakes cheese. On the label, it said LOL Cheese. I laughed. MLIA. Today, I realized that many MLIA stories are about Harry Potter, and not about Twilight. Im glad the average person has good taste. MLIA. Today, I decided to tan on the balcony. I took my top off and my neighbor came out and saw me. Hes a guy. So am I. We greeted each other. MLIA.

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PLAY

A LITTLE ART WITH YOUR COFFEE

LAWRENCE COFFEE SHOPS OFFER AN ALTERNATIVE TO THE ART-GALLERY SCENE
Walking into an art gallery can be intimidating. The atmosphere often has an air of over-sophistication that repels many college students. The steep price tags usually dont extend a warm invitation either. But viewing art doesnt have to be off-putting. Many coffee shops in downtown Lawrence provide a relaxed, easygoing environment to view art. Downtown coffee houses such as Miltons, La Prima Tazza and the Bourgeois Pig display local art year-round. Most shows last four to six weeks and showcase a range of media, including photography, screen printing and painting. Many coffee houses even have art directors, such as Michaela Ayers, 2008 graduate and employee at Miltons, 920 Massachusetts St. Ayers finds artists by scoping out other stores around town, but she usually doesnt have to look very hard for artists. People know that we show art, so a lot of them just come to us, she says. Ayers main objective in displaying local art is to create a sense of community. By promoting

// SARAH BLUVAS
People know its my art, and when I come in to get coffee, they ask me questions about it and engage with the art, she says. It becomes a social event. You dont need to go to gallery to be artistic. The intimate setting of coffee house art exhibitions attracts Chase Bray, Kansas City, Kan., senior, because coffee shops create a more accessible atmosphere to learn about and appreciate art. A coffee shop is some place quick where you can go and get a drink and be surrounded by art, Bray, who is a painter himself, says. Coffee shops also introduce viewers to new artists and provide venues for them to continually show their art. There are a lot of artists around town who I know because they show at the Pig or Henrys, Bray says. I probably wouldnt know them otherwise. Along with introducing new artists, coffee shops also boast innovative, edgy pieces of art. Many galleries turn away more progressive works because abstract art doesnt sell, Brett Allen, a painter and 2004 graduate, says. Allen shows at coffee shops frequently because they are openminded about art. Im not going to change myself from what Im doing just to show at a gallery, Allen says. Most downtown coffee houses dont take a commission from art sales, so Allen and other artists dont sacrifice their point of view to make a profit. For some people, displaying art in coffee shops lessens the profession, says Molly Murphy, a local artist and Bourgeois Pig employee. But art shows dont have to be so serious. I did a show at a tattoo parlor, and it was probably one of the most fun shows Ive done, Murphy says. Alternative venues give you that chance to have fun. So the next time you head downtown for your mid-afternoon caffeine fix, take a minute to enjoy the art around you. Who knows you might even work up the courage to visit an art gallery next. Jp

art in a space where people enjoy being and feel relaxed in, coffee shops involve everyone in the art experience. She particularly tries to show student art whenever possible, although this is sometimes difficult. Undergraduates and recent graduates often dont have a huge body of work yet, Ayers says. Many students, though, still consider coffee shops a prime location for getting their start. For instance, Emily Johnson, a Lawrence High junior, recently closed her second photography show at La Prima Tazza, 638 Massachusetts St. Its amazing that they would give someone like me an opportunity, Johnson says. Her latest show highlighted two photo collections one a series of portraits and the other a series of photos of her friends scoliosis scar. Being able to put a solo show on her resume, though, isnt the only reason Johnson, a selfproclaimed La Prima Tazza regular, appreciates the alternative art venue. To her, displaying art in a coffee shop is much more personal.

Not sure how to approach art in a typical art gallery? Create your own downtown art tour by visiting these local coffee shops.
La Prima Tazza, 638 Massachusetts St. So You Dont Like Abstract Art? Heres a Bunny * Works by Brett Allen, 2004 graduate * Acrylic and ink transfer prints on plywood blocks * A collection of individually themed, smallscale paintings that poke fun at perceptions of abstract art * On display until November 30 The Bourgeois Pig, 6 E. Ninth St. Awkward Encounters * Works by Ben Dory, Lawrence resident * Pen and ink drawings * A series of ink drawings with a psychedelic feel * On display until November 21 Henrys on Eighth, 11 E. Eighth St. Multiples * Works by Catherine Spencer, Osceola, Iowa, graduate student * Prints and mixed-media drawings * A series of new and renewed prints inspired by the artists 2006 trip to Rome * On display until November 30

Photo illustration by Tanner Grubbs Drinking it all in: Traditional art galleries can be intimidating, but several Lawrence coffee houses, such as Zs Divine Espresso, 10 E. Ninth St., pictured here showing work by Emily Parker. offer alternative (and often local) art.

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CONTACT

kansas in heat (print edition) // THE PITFALLS OF PORNOGRAPHY

Relationship researcher Mike Anderson tackles the sticky world of relationship advice, one weekly Jayplay column at a time
Q. I heard from a friend that you say on your show that pornography is bad to watch. What is so bad about it? A. Pornography, in my mind, is both good and bad. While there is some good pornography out there that doesnt use violence and depicts great sex, most doesnt. Any pornography depicting violence towards women should not be watched for a multitude of reasons. Also, I dont like people watching a lot of pornography because it depicts bad sex. It gets us into bad habits. Many sexual experts agree that because of editing and direction, pornography displays a world where the sex is unrealistic, not to mention that most pornography depicts sex that is extremely fast and hard, and only focuses on a few parts of the body. As Ive said before in this column, really great sex involves total body sensuality. It involves using the whole body and slowing down. Psychologist and author Dennis Sugrue at marvels how so many men dont understand that pornography presents a fantasy world, a Neverland thats very different from the real world people live in. My absolute favorite quote about pornography comes from sexual expert Dr. Michael Castlemen. In his book Great Sex, Castleman says, Pornography is bad for sex. Very bad. It causes or contributes to all of mens major sex problems: hang-ups about penis size, involuntary ejaculation, erection impairment and ejaculatory difficulties. It also completely misrepresents how women become sexually aroused and experience erotic fulfillment. Pornography is like the chase scenes in action movies exciting and fun to watch, but definitely not the way to drive. The last thing you want to do in your sexual life is to get into bad habits. Instead of the 100-mile-per-hour sex that you see in these movies, slow down, understand your and your partners sexuality and enjoy leisurely and playful total body sensuality. That said, I do believe that some pornography can be a good thing. The key word there is some. Though I dont think watching violent pornography or using pornography as a how-to tool is good, I do think watching pornography to get you and your partner in the mood can be positive. For some, it is a huge turn-on to watch erotic videos, and for others it gives new ideas for different positions to try or different fantasies to act out. Studies have shown that close to 100 percent of men get aroused watching pornographic material, and 80 percent of women get aroused watching this material as well. So turning to one of the premium channels late at night to watch Erotic Confessions 7 is not always a bad idea to get the two of you in the mood. Ive also heard that a new type of pornography with women directors does a great job of depicting sex that more accurately shows how women become aroused and sexually fulfilled. That might be worth looking into. In summary, I think pornography can be good, but it depends on what kind of pornography it is and how you use it. As Dirk Diggler says in Boogie Nights, Its not just about how to get a girl off; its about how to get your life off. If you have a question youd like answered in the Kansas in Heat print edition, please e-mail it to kansasinheat@yahoo.com.

Mike Anderson, Dellwood, Minn., graduate student, is the host of Kansas in Heat, a talk show about sex and relationships that airs Wednesdays at 8 p.m. on KJHK, 90.7fm and at kjhk.org. *THE OPINIONS OF THIS COLUMNIST DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THE VIEWS OF JAYPLAY. KANSAS IN HEAT IS NOT TO BE CONSIDERED AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP.

// MIKE ANDERSON

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CONTACT

catch of the week // PAT NEWSUM

our weekly peek at a fish in the KU sea.
group of guys is more or less a way of life in all honesty, so I want to make the most of it while I can in these four years. I know golfing is a clich but I have been playing since I was a little kid, so its relaxing. I love the outdoors, so its a great excuse to get outside for hours at a time. reason its like a competition and is fun for both parties involved. Besides, women know what they are doing. They arent dumb. I am fine with the chase if I think that girl really has a lot to offer, but just wants someone to earn their respect. Although I wonder if the feeling is mutual ... maybe I am just constantly getting Favorite quote: Success and nothing else. I played. Who knows? think Snoop Dogg said this. Notices first in a potential partner: I notice Favorite food: String cheese because it can divide height and hair color because thats really the and multiply. first thing guys just sort of pick out. I am not someone with a perfect body type in mind or Major turn off: I feel like some members of the anything like that. All shapes and sizes have opposite sex are here just to be social and dont their own beauty. I guess the way a girl handles have a real focus. I think of myself as a motivated herself is what I really try to pick out first. If individual, so if someone doesnt have a similar she carries herself well it expresses a sense of drive I find it hard to connect with them. I guess confidence. it comes down to who I identify with, and those who dont really have a major that acts as a means Getaway: I think it is important to take time to an end for their goals confuse me. to slow your world down at times. Running is my favorite way to burn off the stress and also Major turn on: Playing hard to get. Its all kind of to get away for awhile. You feel good about a game, isnt it? I like it because they most likely yourself afterwards, and I like staying healthy are confident enough in themselves that they so its the best of both worlds for me. are willing to be impressed. I like that for some // MIA IVERSON

Photo by Mia Iverson

majors: Pre-law, English, philosophy year: Junior hometown: Overland Park interested in: Women
Ideal date: Its hard to say. Id have to say something romantic, surprising and most likely to involve eating sushi. Above all else though, shell let me pay without a fight. Main hobbies: I enjoy participating in the greek community, be it social events or taking a position in my fraternity. Living with a large

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REVIEW

movie review // A SERIOUS MAN

Hollywood hits, indie flicks and everything in between.
That biblical character Job had it easy compared to poor Larry Gopnick. A Serious Man is the Coen Brothers newest and darkest comic fable, an off-beat study in preternatural doom that would feel more like an outright tragedy if it werent laced with some of the years funniest performances and dialogue. And watch out for that ending. At first glance, timid physics professor Larry Gopnick (Michael Stuhlbarg) seems to be enjoying his meager lot in life. Hes on the cusp of receiving tenure and his youngest son Danny (Aaron Wolff) is about to celebrate his bar mitzvah. Then, all at once, Larrys life falls apart. A student starts blackmailing him for a passing grade. An anonymous tormentor sends accusatory letters to the university in a bid to obstruct his tenure application. His wife (Sari Lennick) abruptly leaves him for an older, wealthier professor named Sy Ableman (Fred Melamed). Soon Larry finds himself stranded in the Jolly Roger Motel with no one for company but his dim-witted brother Arthur (Richard Kind). Desperate to know why he has become fates whipping boy, Larry seeks the counsel of three local rabbis, each more eminent and respectable than the last. But none of these holy men have any real insight into life and its karmic ambiguities. One even dispenses Jefferson Airplane lyrics as nuggets of cosmic wisdom. The films casting is nearly pitch perfect. Stuhlbarg, a longtime stage actor making his big screen debut here, makes the audience feel every ounce of Larrys pain and exasperation but exaggerates just enough for us to still find it hilarious. The other acting highlight of the film is the great Fred Melamed as the honeytoned usurper Ableman. A Serious Man may never reach the heights of previous Coen masterworks such as Barton

music review // THE MOUNTAIN GOATS THE LIFE OF THE

KJHKs weekly guide to sonic consumption.
Sixteen albums. John Darnielle has recorded 16 full albums under the Mountain Goats name. (Plus one unreleased album!) Something gives me the feeling that the sun will implode before he runs out of material. If you havent listened to the older stuff, it sounds like it was recorded on a shitty boombox in a basement, mostly because, well, it was. The tracks on The Life of the World to Come, however, are recorded with a full drum kit and decent production values, which personally I like a lot less. Darnielle is a master lyricist, and to me it seems like the shitty boombox amplified his message, while a drum kit and electric guitar seem to dilute it. Something about the lowfi basis of his music made it raw and easily accessible. Any one of us could be that guy sitting in his basement, writing music that changes lives. The hi-fi music seems to put him on an unattainable base, where not just anyone can be that guy. The good stuff is still there, you just have to search for it a little harder. Despite all the track titles being named after bible verses, the album isnt really religious, and Darnielle lets his heart shine through yet again.

WORLD TO COME (4AD)

// LOGAN NICKELS, KJHK STATION MANAGER AND ROTATION DJ

Fink or The Big Lebowski, but this is still cerebral entertainment of the highest order. Larrys miseries are never fully explained (a family curse may be the cause) but the moral is clear: Never expect rational behavior from an inherently irrational universe. Thats pretty deep for a (supposed) comedy. But then comedy, as the Coens fully understand, has always been a rather serious business.

music review // LIGHTNING BOLT EARTHLY DELIGHTS

KJHKs weekly guide to sonic consumption.
Lightning Bolt damn, what a fitting name for such a shocking band. These guys are not messing around. Consisting of just two members, Brain Bibson, who plays bass, and Grain Gippenchale on drums, there is nothing empty about their sound. Gippenchales fast-tempo drumming will make any headache you already have go numb, and Bibsons insanely fuzzy distorted bass will bring a smile to your face if youre feeling angry. Feedback from the bass is thrown at your face pretty much non-stop and it feels great. It may sound like your speakers are blown out, but chances are its just all that wonderful distortion. I cant say Ive ever heard music this noisy before which A) impresses me and B) intrigues me and makes me wonder how much noisier music can get. This kind of music is not for everyone and Im warning you right now, your face might be a little melted after listening ... that is, if you survive. Mwahahaha!

// LANDON MCDONALD

(LOAD RECORDS)

//ADAM RYDELL, KJHK ROTATION DJ

11 12 09

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SPEAK

GROWING UP
I was 15 years old when I had my first glass of beer in a bar. This was in Brazil, where I grew up. I walked in with three friends who were all about that age and asked one of the waiters for a table. Can I see your IDs? he asked. Uhh ... we forgot them, we awkwardly replied. He looked down at us with a sly smile and then looked around the bar. He pointed us to a table toward the back of the room. Just be discreet, he said. Though the drinking age in Brazil is 18, it is not uncommon for people underage to be served at certain establishments. Most nightclubs wont show any leniency, but many bars do. The environment at this place was of a traditional Brazilian buteco, drinking establishments that are sketchy by American standards. Plastic tables and chairs were spread throughout the room and waiters ran around with large bottles of beer and small, barely washed glasses. Butecos de copo sujo, or dirty glass bars, are a staple in Belo Horizonte, my hometown in Brazil. The city is located inland, and its unofficial city motto is Se no tem mar, vamos pro bar, which translates into If theres no ocean, lets go to the bar (minus the nifty rhyme). So, when I was 15 I did what any 15-year-old was supposed to do: I got initiated into the citys bar culture. After we all sat down the waiter came up to the table and asked what beer we wanted. We ordered the cheapest one, and a few minutes later he came back with a large bottle of beer and four small glasses. He filled them to the rim and placed the bottle into a bright yellow plastic koozie. My friends and I looked at one another, and the oldest one our beer expert raised his glass. If you dont toast before drinking, its seven years without sex, he said. The clacking of glasses filled the air before we could say cheers. The conversation flowed smoothly as the beer hit our mouths. At one point, as I was midsentence, I looked down and noticed that my

OVER A GLASS OF BEER

How drinking with friends helped spur my social education

//PATRICK DE OLIVEIRA
more butecos with my friends. We would sit down, order our first beer, toast and start chatting. The conversation could go anywhere from girls to sports to philosophy. We say in Brazil that one shouldnt discuss religion, politics or soccer. Well, we did. As each beer arrived the topics would get increasingly controversial. Wed start off by talking about the newest telenovela actress on the cover of Playboy and end up debating the morality of the death penalty. By the time I was a senior in high school, joining my friends at a bar had become a tradition. We would go at least once a week, mostly on the weekends. But we also went after school, and sometimes even cut class to talk over some icecold beer. Id say that some of those conversations gave me a better education than I wouldve ever gotten inside the classroom. The objective never was to get drunk. Not once in the three years after I entered that first shady bar did I throw up or black out because of drinking. The first time that actually happened was at a going-away party thrown by my Brazilian friends right before I came to Kansas. It was a night of mixed feelings I was excited and sad to be leaving and it was one of the very few times I have used alcohol to deal with emotions. I woke up the next morning not exactly regretting what had happened, but realizing getting drunk didnt change anything. In Brazil, getting wasted doesnt earn you a badge of honor. You will rarely find people bragging about how they blacked out the previous night. And, growing up, alcohol was never an exotic substance something that could become a fetish. Binge drinking, that nihilistic urge to drink just to get drunk, never took a hold of me. Instead, those first experiences gave me the image of alcohol as a kind of social glue. For me, the ideal drinking experience is not one where I go up to the bar and order individual drinks throughout the night. What I really enjoy is grabbing a table with a group of friends, ordering a large bottle of beer and making that initial toast. As we talk to and over one another, someone will notice another persons empty glass, grab the bottle at the center of the table, and fill it up for him or her a discreet sign of camaraderie. Then, when we decide it is time to leave, we realize that we still need to order that last bottle, which means extending the pleasure of conversation. By the time weve figured out how to split the check, hours upon hours have gone by time spent with the kind of idle talk that mortars the bricks that sustain long-lasting friendships. Jp

glass was empty. One of the guys sitting next to me grabbed the beer bottle and promptly refilled it. I smiled at him without missing a beat in the discussion. We had spent a couple of hours in this buteco and had probably drunk four bottles when we decided to leave. We asked the waiter for the check. Oh no, he said. You cant leave without a saideira. In Brazil you should always order one more bottle of beer, the saideira, after your supposed last one. The problem is that once you do that, you may end up drinking more than one saideira. We stayed a little longer and drank a couple more beers. I remember leaving the bar tipsy and proud of my first drinking experience. I felt like I had grown up that I had become a man. Of course, that was not the case, but that night was my first step in beginning an education, both in drinking and in a quaint form of social life. As time went by I started going to more and

Contributed photo Social saideira: The cultural attitude toward alcohol in Brazil, where Patrick De Oliveira (furthest right) grew up, is much different than in the U.S. Patrick had his first drink in public when he was 15, but, the goal of drinking in Brazil was never to get drunk but to socialize, converse and, ultimately, solidify friendships.

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