Gasonga Jokes

December 2003

Get Ready for another great selection of Gasonga Jokes December 2003 Issue 23

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December 2003

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December 2003

Double Glazing Tele-Salesman: Hi Im calling on behalf of Ripper Windows, would you be interested in buying some double glazing? Call Receiver: Sir, this is the Samaritans. Tele-Salesman: OK. Would you be interested in buying some double glazing or Ill kill myself!

Box of Condoms A young couple with an economy carton of condoms have wild sex together. When theyve finished, the girl discovers that there were only six condoms remaining in the pack of twelve. What happened to the other five condoms? she asks her boyfriend. Nervously he replies, I masturbated with them. Later that day she approaches a male friend and tells him the story. Have you ever done that? Yeah, once or twice, he reassures her. You mean youve actually masturbated with a condom on? Oh, replies her male friend, I thought you were asking if Id ever lied.

A guy goes to the doctors and says, Doc, youve got to help me people are saying that Im a bad influence. They say that they cant make a decision when Im around. What do you think my problem is? Indecision, says the Doc, that may or may not be your problem. Did you hear about the guy whos Dad was kicked out of hospital? Apparently he took a turn for the nurse. A pal of mine has told me his wedding is going to be a formal affair. Theyve going to paint the shotgun white. I went white water rafting last week and the instructor told me, When we get in the water I want NO ifs, ands or buts, only oars! Do you realise that its a sin for women to make the Tea? It says in the Bible... Hebrews!

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December 2003

Nothing A guy is passing a small courtyard when he hears murmuring voices. Curious, he takes a look and sees an altar with an image of a zero on it. Above the alter is a large banner with the word NIL. People in white robes are kneeling before the altar and chanting hymns to The Blessed Emptiness. The guy turns to a white-robed observer and asks, Is Nothing Sacred Here?

The cruise ship A passenger from a cruise ship is looking over the side watching the world go by, when he see a small dessert Island. As they get closer he sees a scruffily dressed man with a beard waving like mad and shouting and desperately at them. Whos that? a passenger asks the captain. No idea, replies the captain, But every year when we pass him he goes nuts. Made in Japan A Japanese tourist hails a taxi at Heathrow Airport London and asks to be taken across London to the city. On the way the tourist sees a Toyota car and shouts, Oh! TOYOTA! Made in Japan. Very fast. Next he sees a Nissan car and shouts, Oh! NISSAN! Made in Japan. Very fast. Next he sees a Mitsubishi car and shouts, Oh! MITSUBISHI! Made in Japan. Very fast. Well the London cap driver is getting a little miffed that so many Japanese made cars are passing his 100% British London cab. So he finally gets to the city stops, hes feeling glad that hell soon be seeing the back of the guy. He points at the meter and says, Thatll be 100 pounds please mate. 100 pounds, but it was a very short a ride! Why so much? Taxi Meter, says the cabby, Made in Japan. Very fast!

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December 2003

Jogging Mrs Jones, Every day this week Ive seen your husband out running with a Violin chasing him. Whats going on? O it was his fortieth birthday on Monday and ever since hes been trying to prove to himself that hes still fit as a fiddle.

An American In England An American visiting England asks the hotel concierge for the elevator. The porter looks a bit confused for a moment and then smiles as he realizes what the man wants. You must mean the lift! No, the American replies. If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator. Well, the porter answers, over here we call them lifts. Now listen, says the rather irritated American, An America invented the elevator. Oh, right you are sir, the porter replies in a polite tone, And an Englishman invented the language.

Q: What do you get if you cross a Labrador with a werewolf? A: A shit scared postman. A Zookeeper phones the police and says, Hello I want report and escaped leopard. Dont worry sir, says the desk sergeant, Its already been spotted. A bloke walks into the local chip shop and asks for a bag of chips. Do you want 60 or 90? asks the assistant. What? says the guy, Well, if youre going to bloody count them, Ill have a pie instead! A Chinese proverb: It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it!

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News flash: A government spokesman has announced that a number of male porn stars are to be arrested. The spokesman confirmed that ministers have viewed the videotape evidence. The tapes conclusively show that these men have, Weapons of Ass Destruction. Curtains A blonde walks into a curtain store and says to the assistant, Id like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen please. Surprised assistant replies, Excuse me miss, but computers dont need curtains. O yes they do, replies the irritated blonde, My machine has got Windows.

Q: Why has the Avon Lady got a funny walk? A: Because shes got lipstick.

The toilet A bloke walks into a public toilet where he finds two cubicles. One of them is occupied and the other one is empty. He enters the empty closes the cubicle, drops his pant and sits down. A voice then comes from the cubicle and says, Morning mate, how are you going?" Thinking this a bit strange but not wanting to be rude the guy replies Fine thanks. After a short pause, the voice says, So, what are you up to mate? Again unsure he answers reluctantly, Ahh, Er Im just having a quick crap and yourself? He then hears the voice for the third time, Look sorry mate, Ill have to call you back, Ive got some dickhead sat next to me that keeps answering all my questions.

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One-stone An Indian was named One-stone because he had only one testicle. After years of torment One-stone cracked and said, If anyone calls me One-stone again I will kill them! The word quickly spread and no one called him one-stone any again. Then one day a young woman forgot and said, Good morning One-stone. He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest. There he shagged her day and night, day after day until she eventually died from exhaustion. Again the word quickly spread that One-stone meant business. Years went by until an old woman returned to the village after many years away. She was overjoyed when she saw one-stone. She hugged him and said, Good to see you One-stone. Again, One-stone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest. He shagged her day and night, day after day until she eventually died from exhaustion. Which just goes to show guys you really should be careful because, You can kill two birds with one stone!

News flash: In a freak accident today both carriageways of the M1 were closed. Police still have no idea what caused the lead vehicle, a truck, to shed its load of human hair. They suspect something on the carriageway caused a puncture and say that the road will remain closed while they combing the area.

One night after making love together, a husband and wife are snuggled up close. In a rare tender mood the husband whispers, I love you terribly. The wife replies, Yea, you certainly do. Q: How do you make a Venetian blind? A: Poke him in the eye.

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December 2003

Diets A college kid goes home during the summer. When he opens the refrigerator he finds a risqu picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily clad young woman taped to the inside of the door. Mum, whats this? He asks. Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat, she replies. And is it working? asks the kid. Well Yes and no, his mum explains. Ive lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!

Fat Free French Fries A guy is intrigued by a sign at fast food restaurant and so decides to stop. The sign reads, Try our Fat Free French fries! When he gets inside hes dismayed to see the assistant pull a basket of fries, dripping with oil, from the fryer. The assistant fills a bag with the fries and puts them with the guys order. Just a minute! says the guy, These Fry arent fat free. Yes, they are, replies the assistant, we only charge for the potatoes, the fat is free!

Thought for the day - If it takes forever to find a shorter way to do something is it still shorter? Thought for the day - Golf balls are like eggs. Theyre white, sold by the dozen and a week later you have to buy more.

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The fleeing patient A patient is seen fleeing down a hospital corridor just before his operation. Whats wrong? a passer by asks. Ive just heard the nurse say, Its a very simple operation, dont worry, Im sure it will be all right. She was just trying to comfort you, replied the passer-by, whats so frightening about that? She wasnt talking to me, stuttered the frightened patient, She was talking to the doctor!

The Racehorse A famous racehorse was enjoying a workout, when he stopped to speak to another horse that was tethered to a post. The tethered horse mused I cant remember your mane, but your pace seems familiar. Girl Power Jokes Q: What should a girl do if your boyfriend walks out? A: Close the door. Q: When should a girl care for a mans company? A: When he owns it. Q: How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom? A: Three, if you slice them very thinly. Q: Why do men get married? A: So they dont have to hold their stomachs in anymore. Q: What are a girls four most favourite animals? A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all. Q: Why do men prefer electric lawn mowers? A: So they can find their way back to the house.

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Q and A Q: What do you call a man with 144 warts? A: Gross. Q: What do you call three ducks in a crate? A: A box of quackers. Q: What do you call a skeleton that likes to solve mysteries? A: Sherlock Bones Q: Whats a rats favourite tune? A: Singing in the Drain Q: Why did the Baker get an electric shock? A: He touched a bun with a large currant in it. Q: Why was the shy rock a so sad? A: He wanted to be a little bolder. Q: What was the cookie crying? A: Because his mother had been a wafer so long. My appetite A wife asks her husband, Would you like egg and bacon for breakfast? No thanks, says the husband, this Viagra has taken the edge off my appetite. At lunchtime the wife asks, Would you like a sandwich? No thanks, says the husband, this Viagra has taken the edge off my appetite. Ay dinnertime the wife asks, Would you like some pizza? No thanks, says the husband, this Viagra has taken the edge off my appetite. OK then, says the wife, would you mind getting off me? Cause Im bloody starving!

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The retreat A woman convinces her husband to attend a couples retreat. At the first session, the tutor says, No matter how long weve been married, there are many things we dont know about our partners. For example, how many of you husbands can name your wifes favourite flower? One husband smiles knowingly and puts his hand on his wifes knee, and says, Its Mothers Pride Self-raising, right?

An Englishman Irishman and Scotsman are in a bar. An Englishman Irishman and Scotsman are in a bar when the Irishman cries out, Look at that bloke at the bar its Jesus! The others look and sure enough it is Jesus. The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him, Id like you to give Jesus a pint of Guinness from me. The bartender pours the drink and takes it to Jesus. Jesus accepts the drink and raises his glass as he smiles. The Englishman calls the bartender over and says to him, Id like you to give Jesus a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale from me. The bartender pours the drink and takes it to Jesus. Jesus accepts the drink and raises his glass as he smiles. The Scotsman calls the bartender over and says to him, Id like you to give Jesus a Whiskey from me. The bartender pours the drink and takes it to Jesus. Jesus accepts the drink and raises his glass as he smiles. Some time later, after finishing his drinks Jesus approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman, shakes it and thanks him for the drink. When he lets go, the Irishman cries. Amazing my arthritis is gone! Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman and thanks him for the drink. When he lets go, the Englishman cries, Amazing the pain in my knee is gone. Jesus then approaches the Scotsman, who has a terrified look on his face. Back off, says the Scotsman, youre not shaking my hand Im on disability benefit.

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December 2003

Did you hear about the midget called Candy? Her friends say she is short but sweet.

The big red F stared back at Johnny from his exam paper. Freddie looked at his glum friend and asked, Why did you get such a low grade on that test? Because of an absence, Johnny answered. You mean you were absent on the day of the test? he questioned. Little Johnny replied, No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

See Here! There was this little 9-year-old blind kid, and one day he said to his mom, Mom, All Ive ever wanted is to see. His mom said, Well son its your lucky day, today is the last day of March, and if you pray really hard your prayers will be answered. So the little boy goes to bed 2 hours early and starts praying himself to sleep. He wakes up half way through the night and realises that the night isnt over, so he prays another hour before he falls asleep again. He finally wakes up the next morning and yells, Mom, Mom, get in here fast! His mom comes running in and says, What is it son? The boy says, Mom I did just what you said, I prayed and prayed harder than anyone else ever has, but I woke up this morning and Im still blind! And his mom says... I know April Fool!

All my faults Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, Now, Id like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine. Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight member said, I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently. Hmm? said the manager. And are you sure you having nothing else to add? Well, yes, said the member. I lie extensively.

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The Public Toilet An American tourist in London needs to take a leak, but after a long search cant find a public toilet. So he walks down a side street to take care of business and just as hes unzipping a policeman shows up. What are you doing? the officer asks. Im sorry, says the American, but Ive really got to take a leak. You cant do that here, says the officer, follow me. The police officer leads the guy to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. Do it here, says the policeman. The American quickly unzips and starts pissing on the flowers. Ah, he says in relief. Then turning toward the officer asks, This is very nice place is it a British style bathroom? No Sir, replies the copper. Its the French Embassy.

A Pain In The Arse A guy goes to the doctors and says, Doc all my friends say Im a hypochondriac, but Im sure Ive got something wrong with me, Ive got a terrible pain in my arse. OK drop your pants and Ill take a look, says the doc. After a quick exam the doc with a puzzles expression notes, Youve got a lettuce leaf sticking out of your bum. I knew it, says the guy, and I bet thats just the tip of the Ice-berg!

Q: What kind of shoes to frogs wear? A: Open Toad Two ants are playing football in a saucer when one of them totally misses a kick. His pal says, Youll have to do better than that tomorrow when were playing in the cup! Did you hear about the guy that kept all his money in the freezer? He said he wanted, Cold, Hard, Cash!

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Q: What do you call a rock fan with a sausage on their head? A: A head banger. Newsflash: Did you hear about the Cornish baker that managed to increase his sales by making his Pasties four times larger? Apparently he quadrupled his turnover. Q: What do you get if you live on a diet of beans and onions? A: Tear gas! Did you hear about the 10 stone guy that had 5 stone testicles? People said he was half-nuts! Q: What did the paranoid TV say to its therapist? A: I think someone is watching me!

The Building Site A guy goes for a job interview on a building site. We drink a lot of Tea here, says the foreman. Can you make Tea? Yea, replies the guy. And can you drive a fork lift truck? Yea, replies the guy, But just how big is the fucking pot?

Arnold Schwarzenegger Rejected Campaign Slogans. Elect me or Ill make another comedy. I will shrink the deficit like my steroid-saturated nut-sack. I can bench 450. I didnt hear nothing over at the Kennedy place. I cant fuck up too badly, Im in the gym all day. No sex scandals, my nuts are too small. Intelligence is over-rated. End

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