I was out rollerblading by the beach

with my pet baboon, Fred,

and an imaginary cat on a leash.

Basking in the Florida sunshine

wearing only my pink spandex hot pants,
I flexed my muscles to all the fine ladies
and assorted Asian transsexuals
who were whistling and catcalling at me.

A bearded albino woman

rode by on a Segway,
slapped my ass,
and said how she’s into guys
who look like Woody Allen on steroids.
(I promptly got her phone number.)

Out of the sky appeared a flying saucer

blasting high-decibel hip hop music;
an alien bungee jumped from it, and
came dangling down in front of me.

It looked like a drunken kangaroo,

but was green colored, had six eyes,
and four shapely female-like breasts.

The alien grasped my body in a bear hug,

and its bungee cord recoiled,
dragging me,
along with my cat and baboon,
back up to the spaceship.

When we got into the ship,

it looked a lot like a dingy strip club.

There were roaring crowds of used-car salesman

with bad toupees, cheap suits, and unibrows
waving dollar bills
at the numerous kangaroo-like alien beings,
which were exotically dancing on tables,
treadmills, and poles.

(I even saw Tony Soprano

clad in black lace bra and panties
giving a lap dance to
an Australian midget
in a fedora and trench coat.)

My cat and baboon took seats at a table

and ordered some drinks.

The alien which had abducted us

led me by the hand
back into the champagne room,
where it told me it went by “Bertha”
and lit up candles, incense, and
put on some romantic music.
(Barry White, I think.)
We began to seductively gyrate
and Salsa with one another,
and this soon turned into
full-blown Irish Riverdancing.

Bertha then turned around, bent over,

and revealed to me
a four-foot large alien vagina,
which made a loud vacuum type sound
and sucked me, head-first, right into it!

The alien vagina throttled, pushed,

and sexually-intercoursed me,
from head to toe,
in and out of it in a
frenzied frenzy
for five full minutes
of sustained pleasure,
giving me, and hopefully her,
multiple orgasms.

It then ejected me like a bazooka into the wall.

Bertha turned around and helped me up.

We shared a cigarette, arm-wrestled,
and prated on about sports for a while.

We walked out back onto the floor,

and I collected my baboon and cat.

Bertha wrote her email address

on my buttocks in permanent marker
and said she’d text-message me sometime.

Fred, my cat, and I all held hands and

bungee jumped out of the spaceship,
coming out so close to my apartment building
that we were able to
crash through the window
and land directly onto our living room couch.

It was nice of Bertha to drop us off so close to home.