25/1/09 1:11 PM

Birthday Speech Template

When making a speech about a person at an event like this you are faced
with two options:
• Option 1: make slightly (or very) negative jokes about the
person in an attempt be funny. This is good for the audience,
because they might laugh. It is not so good for the person for
which the audience has gathered, as it can be embarrassing.
• Option 2: say something positive about the person and risk
boring the audience to tears. This is not so great for the
audience, because tears can sting a fair bit and taste all salty
and nasty. It is great for the person for which the audience has
gathered, however, as it makes them feel warm and fuzzy inside.
So who’s more important? The audience, or the person for which the
audience has gathered? Well, clearly the person for which the audience
has gathered is important, because if it wasn’t for them, the audience
wouldn’t have gathered at all. But the audience itself is surely just as
important as the person for which the audience has gathered, for if they
hadn’t gathered, the person for which the audience has gathered would
not in fact be a person, but a person lying on the ground in misery
screaming “why? What’s wrong with me?”. That wouldn’t be pleasant at
all.
So, it only makes sense that a speech about a person at an event like this
should utilize both of the options outlined in the initial conundrum:
• Make slightly negative jokes about the person in an attempt to
be funny.
• Say something positive about the person and risk boring the
audience to tears.

That said, I’m going to get the bad cliché jokes out of the way quickly and
move on to something with a bit more substance:

• Cass is a great adopted sister

• Cass is the best sister I’ve ever had
• Cass is a bigger person than I was at 18
• Cass is the finest of the 4 boys in the family
• Cass used to call herself Appie
• Cass once tried to eat a whole large pizza and got lesions
 • Cass has had so many fads that we now call fads “cads”
• Cass should bring her friends over more often

And now, for something positive and moving:

Cass is smart and passionate, which is a good thing, because most people
will tell you that these traits can lead to great success. Unless of course
these traits are used for evil and immoral deeds, in which case they will
probably not lead to a great deal of success. This is much different to the
animal kingdom, because in the animal kingdom there is no such thing as
good or evil, and success is just success. If a lion eats a baby it is
success. If a person ate a baby, it is not success because it is evil. Cass
used want to be an animal, and it is a testament to her compassion that
even when she wanted to be an animal, she never ate any babies. This is
proof that whilst Cass is smart and passionate, she will never use it for
evil, and, hence, will achieve a great deal of success. Whatever that is.
But we’ll talk about that later.

Happy birthday Cassia, I look forward to seeing you become a success.

25/1/09 1:11 PM
25/1/09 1:11 PM