When Tommy Met Sally

A Tale of Monticello:
Being an Account in Verse
Of the Late Pres. Thos. Jefferson,
His Bondswoman, Sally,
And the Supposed Concubinage
At the Plantation in Albemarle, Virginia

I.
Some find Tom and Sal quite a mystery;
But the answer is plain, simple witchery:
Sal flashed her rotundas,
Tom cried, “Cowabunga!”
And the rest, as they say, is just history.

II.
The revered sage of Monticello
Was really a randy old fellow.
Though he did prefer French,
He’d make do, in a pinch,
With the nearest-by girl, white or yellow.

III.
The first among all Founding Brothers,
With a mind and a pen like no other:
Tom found him a pal,
In his darlin’ Sal,
And Hemmings is our Founding Mother.

IV.
The first among all Founding Brothers,
Friskier, far, than the others:
Who’d have guessed the old Founder
Would prove such a rounder
When he got Sal under the covers.

V.
Whether dawn or dusk, midnight or noon,
September, December or June,
It set Tom’s head swimming
When he thought of Hemmings,
Sweet Sally, his dear octoroon.
VI.
His architectural style was perfection,
Though in private life he lacked discretion.
Thus on this we agree,
Sally Hemmings and me:
Tom produced some splendid erections.

VII.
It’s a strange tale that I am recounting:
After giving our country its founding,
Tom slipped into Sal’s shack,
Made the beast with two backs,
And gave poor Miss Hemmings a pounding.

VIII.
I do hesitate, lest I speak ill
Of him who said all are made equal,
But he did have a dally
With subservient Sally,
And I find that a most humbling sequel.

IX.
In defense of man’s freedom most fervent,
Yet his lofty beliefs he perverted:
Blind to all irony,
He pursued liberty
With Sally, his poor enslaved servant.

X.
When in the course of human events,
Opportunity itself presents,
Happiness Tom pursues,
With poor Sally who’s
No choice but to pull down her pants.

XI.
When to Tom’s ardent needs Sal would cater,
Her girlfriends would laugh and berate her:
“What is his attraction?”
“He gives satisfaction:
He was endowed by his creator.”
XII.
From the official Monticello web site:
They also stated that Jefferson’s nephews Peter and Samuel Carr were the fathers of the
light-skinned Monticello slaves some thought to be Jefferson’s children because of their
resemblance to him.

The evidence, true, could be neater

As to which one found Sally the sweeter;
But this much we know,
For the DNA shows:
It was one of those Jefferson Peters.