FADE IN:

WANDA
Hello ladies, and gentlemen, this is your
airplane speaking. If you look off the
right side of my armpit, you'll see we're
directly over Dimmsdale Park!

TIMMY
Cool! GERONIMO!

COSMO
Timmy! Pull my finger! I mean ripcord!

TIMMY
Thanks, Cosmo. It's sure comforting to
know that my Fairy Godparents are
always there to protect me!

COSMO
Sure thing, Timmy! We'd never let you
down!

WANDA
Aaaaw...what a cute baby!

BABY # 1
<GIGGLES>

COSMO
Where???!

TIMMY
YAAAAAAAAGH!

BABY #1
<GIGGLES>

COSMO
You're right, Wanda. This is the cutest
one yet!

TIMMY (O.S.)
I WISH I HAD ANOTHER... <IMPACT
NOISE>
 TIMMY
(strained)
...parachute...

COSMO
Timmy! Watch where you're falling, you
almost hit the baby!

BABY#2
<GIGGLES>

WANDA
Look, Cosmo! There's another one!

BABY # 2
<GIGGLES>

MOTHER
Ooooh...do you like the weird pink and
green dogs? Then Mommy will get you
some because you're Mommy's precious
little baby, and I can't imagine why any
couple wouldn't want to have their very
own baby!

COSMO/WANDA
Awwww....<CRYING>

TIMMY
Cosmo! Wanda! What's gotten into you
two? You were supposed to be my
parachute! Uh...I mean...roll over?

MOTHER
Are these oddly-colored, hysterically-
weeping dogs yours, little boy?

TIMMY
Uh...yeah...they're rare, Alaskan,
...blubberhounds?

MOTHER
Did they ever have puppies? I bet they
would make the cutest baby
blubberhounds...

COSMO/WANDA
<CRYING EVEN HARDER>

TIMMY
Uh, that's great. Have a nice day with
your baby! C'mon you two, let's get back
to SKYDIVING!

TIMMY
AAAAAGH! <IMPACT NOISE>

COSMO/WANDA
Gootchie, gootchie, goo!

BABY # 3
<BABY NOISES>

TIMMY (V.O.)
YAAAAAGH!! <IMPACT NOISE>

COSMO/WANDA
Gootchie, wootchie, goo! <LAUGHING>

TIMMY
AAAAGH!

TIMMY
UGH! You guys are totally distracted and
ignoring me!

WANDA
Did you hear something, Cosmo?

COSMO
Nope! Ow! Pin.

TIMMY
Look at you guys! You're knitting booties,
and Cosmo's wearing a diaper! Okay, he
wears them all the time, but not when
you're knitting booties! It's like you guys
are all distracted by baby stuff!

COSMO/WANDA
<CRYING>
DON'T SAY THE "B" WORD!

TIMMY
What? 'Baby'?
 COSMO/WANDA
<CRYING>
WHY DO YOU TORTURE US??

TIMMY
Sorry. If you love babies so much, then,
stop being babies and just have a baby
of your own!

COSMO/WANDA
YOU SAID THE "B" WORD three times!

WANDA
It's not that simple, Timmy. Fairies just
can't have babies whenever they want.

TIMMY
Why not?

COSMO
Well it all started when the last baby was
born in Fairyworld. Me!

BABY COSMO
<GIGGLES>

JORGEN
Ha ha, gootchie gootchie goo... You're so
cute.

BABY COSMO
<GIGGLE>

JORGEN
And deadly!

COSMO
In fact, I was so cute and deadly, that
after I came along, the Supreme Fairy
Council said they never wanted anything
like me to ever happen again!

WANDA
Besides, Timmy, fairies live forever, so
there's really no need for us to have
babies of our own.

COSMO
That's why we get god kids instead.
TO FILL THE VOID! <THUMBSUCKING>

TIMMY
Wow, I never knew you guys wanted to
have your own baby. Actually, it might be
kinda cool to have a little god brother or
sister. Hey! How about I just wish us up a
baby?

WANDA
Oh, Timmy, you can't just wish us up a
baby...can you?

TIMMY
Hmmm...things that can't be wished for...
winning a contest...falling in
love...electric car...nope. Nothing here
that says I can't. Cosmo, Wanda, I wish
you guys were having a ...!

JORGEN
STOP! There has been a disturbance in
the Fairy Force. Someone was just about
to wish for the "B" word! Ah...Turner. Big
surprise.

TIMMY
Well, there's nothing in the rules that
says I can't wish for the "B" word!

JORGEN
HA! That is where you are WRONG,
Timmy Turner!

JORGEN
Um....no wishing yourself into a fairy...no
wishing someone back to life... no Tom
Cruise...darn it! I must remember to write
down these new rules! Here it is - I wrote
in on a sticky note but never officially put
it in!
You win this round, Timmy Turner, but be
warned: you have no...

TIMMY
(finishing)
...idea what I've wished
for...blah, blah, bad idea, blah blah,
consequences...enough! I WISH COSMO
AND WANDA WOULD HAVE A BABY!

TIMMY
Hey, what gives? Nothing happened.

JORGEN
HA! THIS is where you are wrong AGAIN,
Timmy Turner! Your wish will come true,
but this is only...

TIMMY
...the beginning. Blah, blah, have no idea
what I've done, blah, blah, you'll be
watching me, blah, blah..

JORGEN
WOULD YOU LET ME FINISH A
SENTENCE?! Now go, while the camera
pushes in on me dramatically! Too much!
Back off!

TIMMY
Cosmo! Wanda! I'm home from school! Is
my totally new and pudgy god brother or
sister here yet?

COSMO
Blargh!

TIMMY
Ugh! Cosmo! You just barfed all over me!
What's wrong with you?

COSMO/WANDA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

TIMMY
What? What's so funny?

COSMO
What's wrong with me? Duh!
(pointing to stomach)
Having a "B" word, here!
 TIMMY
Huh? You're having the baby? Okay,
Earth boy freaked out (points to head)
Need explanation here.

WANDA
Oh, Timmy, everyone knows it's the boy
fairy that has the baby!

COSMO
Timmy, we really need to have a serious
talk about the birds and the Bee-Gees.
Y'see when the Bee-Gees recorded
Saturday Night Fever, everybody loved
them, then there was a backlash - too
much bee-gees they said and...

TIMMY
Who cares - are we having a boy or a
girl?

COSMO
Blargh! Right now it's just a lot of barf! I
think I'll call it: "Barf-olomew".

WANDA
Uh...Cosmo's got a little "morning
sickness", sport.

TIMMY
But it's three in the afternoon!
How long does it last?

WANDA
Not long - three months.

COSMO
Don't worry it'll be fun! Blargh!

CROWD
CHEER WALLA.

COSMO
Blargh! Sorry.

COSMO
Blargh! Sorry.
 COSMO
Blargh! I ahhh...

COSMO
Blargh!

TIMMY
Has it been three months yet?

WANDA
Close. Three hours.

TIMMY
Well, then I wish I had an umbrella.

COSMO
VBlargh! Sorry.

TIMMY
Tell me this is as bad as it gets.

WANDA
Not even close.

COSMO
WEIRD CRAVINGS!

TIMMY
You ate my vintage baseball cards?!

COSMO
Yep, and by the way, Daryl Strawberry?
Doesn't taste like Strawberry.

TIMMY
Eeerrr!!

COSMO
Weird Mood Swings!

COSMO
It's a beautiful, sunshiny day! It makes
me want to sing! La la la FRA la le la...
(grabs Timmy angrily)
WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? LOOK AT
ME I'M FAT!!! <ROAR>
 COSMO
(instantly happy again)
...but so happy we're having a baby! Hey,
where's Timmy?

WANDA
In the basement.

COSMO (O.S.)
Blargh! Sorry!

TIMMY
Ok, hang in there, Turner. You can do it.
It'll all be worth it once your totally cool
god brother or totally sweet god sister
arrives. And hopefully there won't be any
more surprises... WHAT?!

ALL
Surprise!

TIMMY
Uh...I wish I had a towel..?

TIMMY
I wish I had ANOTHER towel?

MAMA COSMA
It is officially time for the Fairy Baby
Shower!! It's the first one in thousands of
years so we want it to be extra special!

TIMMY
So, why are you having it in my
bathroom?

MAMA COSMA
Hello? Baby? Shower? Must I draw you a
picture? Besides, the bathroom is the
most private room in the house!

JORGEN
Yes. I don't want news of the fairy baby
getting out just yet. In it's early stages
baby magic is very undeveloped and
unstable. As my totally awesome slide
show will demonstrate!
 JORGEN
When raised by a good fairy, the baby's
magic is good and spreads goodness!

JORGEN
When raised by a bad fairy or Pixie the
fairy baby's magic can be used for evil!

JORGEN
Therefore: the baby must be protected at
all costs!

CUPID JUANDISSIMO
Aah!

COSMO
Aah!

WANDA/ MAMA COSMA

Aah!

FAIRY CROWD
Aah! <GASP!>

JORGEN
Now, let's all have a good time!

WANDA
Timmy, it's an ancient fairy tradition that
the godchild throws the expecting fairy
parent a shower.

TIMMY
Well...what am I supposed to do?

COSMO
I Aah, nothing much... Blargh! Sorry.

TIMMY
(exhausted)
Okay, balloons, streamers, stereo, 2-ply
toilet paper. Looks like I took care of
everything...

COSMO (O.S.)
TIMMY!

TIMMY
Yes, Cosmo?

COSMO
I'm hungry. Get me something that won't
upset my stomach - like a fire-ball
burrito!

TIMMY
Burritos. Got it.

JORGEN
TURNER!

JORGEN
Where is the music? I want to get funky!

TIMMY
Oh. Right. Music. Got it.

CUPID
Anything but the Bee-Gees - too much
Bee-Gees.

JORGEN
Oooh! Burritos!

COSMO (O.S.)
Timmy!

COSMO
(happy)
My special day is on hold until I get my
burritos!
WHERE'S MY BURRITO??

TIMMY
(panting)
Here...

COSMO
I DON'T WANT BURRITOS! THEY MAKE ME
GASSY! Let's play games!

TIMMY
What games?

MAMA COSMA
They're right here on the list.
 TIMMY
"Pin the tail on the buck-toothed servant
boy? Uh oh!"

COSMO
Do I win? Do I win? Do I win?

TIMMY
THAT'S IT! I'm sick of this! I'm sick of the
shower! I'm sick of the mood swings! I'm
sick of the cravings!

COSMO
Blargh!

TIMMY
And I'm sick of the vomit! That was the
last straw.

JORGEN
Uh, actually, Turner, you're out of straws.

TIMMY
I'M SICK OF THIS WHOLE BABY WISH! I
WISH COSMO WOULD JUST GET LOST!

FAIRY CROWD
<GASPS!>

COSMO
Fine! If that's the way you feel, then I'll
take my baby, my bee-gees and this
burrito and just go!

WANDA
Oh no! Cosmo's gone and he's about to
have our baby!

JORGEN
Timmy Turner, you have put the universe
in grave peril! If that baby falls into the
wrong hands it could be so dangerous
that...that I'd have to invent a new word!
It could be...eh...uh...duh..DOOM-
UNGOUS!

CUPID
Worst baby shower ever.

JORGEN
Wait, where is my push in? Yipe! Too
close!

TIMMY
I'm sorry! I really do want a god brother
or sister but I was just sick of getting
barfed on all the time! Burritos anyone?

JORGEN
<CHEWING>

WANDA
Oh, this is terrible! Our baby's going to
be born alone and...and...with Cosmo!
We have to split up, search every corner
of the universe and find them!

JORGEN
<CHEWING>
But most important, keep this top secret!
Nobody must know that a fairy baby is
about to be born. <SWALLOWING> Now
find Cosmo! And some extra hot sauce!
Go! Go! Go!

TIMMY
Okay, people it's been three hours.
How's the search going? Talk to me!

FAIRY SOLDIER #1
He's not at the arcade.

FAIRY SOLDIER #2
String factory negative, also.

MAMA COSMA
He's not in Fairy World or in his his room.
Which is ready for him any time he
decides to leave Wanda.

CUPID
He's not in Rio, but I'll keep looking!

JORGEN
Curses! This can only mean one thing: I
should have gone to Rio!

TIMMY
Look, we've covered the entire universe
and Cosmo is not here or in Fairy World.
Are there any other worlds we can
check?

JORGEN
Oh no...

TIMMY
You thought of someplace?

JORGEN
No, that burrito went right through me. I
must now file a report with the great
white round one.

WANDA
Wait, Timmy, you're right! There are
other worlds we can check!

WANDA
"Patio World", "Mattress World", "World
News Tonight", "Anti-Fairy World", "Pixie
World"...GASP!

TIMMY
Anti-Fairy World! That's it!

JORGEN
Oh... the Anti-Fairies must have
kidnapped Cosmo and are planning on
developing the baby's magic to use for
their own nefarious purposes!

TIMMY
Wanda? Let's rock.

TIMMY
Now let's roll.

JORGEN
Uh...hold that thought...

JORGEN
Huhuh, Okay, now let's roll. By the way,
you're out of air freshener.

ANTI-COSMO
Alright, Anti-Fairies, next on the
agenda...Universal Domination. Any
ideas? Speak up. Don't be afraid. There
are no wrong answers.

ANTI-FAIRY #1
I was thinkin' we could get like, a big
elephant, and have it step on some stuff?

ANTI-COSMO
Sorry. Wrong answer!

ANTI-FAIRY #1
Aaaaaaagh!

ANTI-COSMO
C'mon, people, think! Universal
Domination is not just going to come
bursting through that door!

TIMMY
Freeze, Anti-Fairies! We know you've
kidnapped Cosmo and our Fairy Baby and
are planning on using his slash her
uncontrollable magic for Universal
Domination!

ANTI-COSMO
What's this? Cosmo is having a Fairy
Baby who's uncontrollable magic we can
use to take over the universe?

TIMMY/JORGEN/WANDA
Um...no.

ANTI-COSMO
Quick! Anti-Fairies! Take to the skies! We
must find Cosmo and his baby and take
over the universe!

ANTI-FAIRIES
Woohoo! Get the baby! C'mon let's go!
<WALLA>

JORGEN
(sarcastic)
Now they know. Good one, genius.

WANDA
If Cosmo's not here he must be in Pixie
World! Let's go! And I'll do the talking
this time.

PIXIE #1
We could get a big elephant and have it
step on stuff.
Aaaaaah!

HP
C'mon, people, think. A plan for Universal
Domination is not just going to come
bursting through that door.

WANDA
Freeze, Pixies! We know you've
kidnapped Cosmo and our Fairy Baby...

ANTI-COSMO
...and are planning on using his slash her
uncontrollable magic for Universal
Domination!

HP
Wait a second, Cosmo's having a fairy
baby and we can use his slash her
undeveloped magic for universal
domination?

TIMMY/JORGEN/WANDA/ANTI-COSMO
Uh...no.

HP
Quick, Pixies. To the limousines. We must
find that fairy baby and take over the
universe.

ANTI-COSMO
Not if we find it first!
 ANTI-FAIRIES
WHOOHOO! <WALLA>

JORGEN
Okay, here is the plan: I'm going to the
bathroom again while you two think of a
plan.
(stomach rumbles)
Fireball Burritos. Aye yae yae!

WANDA
Timmy, we have to find Cosmo. I'm really
worried about him!

TIMMY
Me too, but where could he be? All I did
was tell him to "get lost!"

TIMMY/WANDA
You don't think...?

COSMO
(singing)
"I'm lost! I'm lost! I brushed and then I
flossed and now I'm looost!"

COSMO
Oh, hey, guys! Timmy! "Get lost"? Best
wish ever! Getting lost in the great
outdoors is very soothing! No more mood
swings, no more cravings, I haven't even
barfed...blargh!

COSMO
Well, two out of three ain't bad.
Hello, Barfolemew!

WANDA
Cosmo, thank goodness we found you!

TIMMY
Cosmo, I'm really sorry I wished you
away. Can you ever forgive me?

COSMO
Hugs!
 TIMMY AND WANDA
YAAAAAH!

TIMMY
(strained)
Ugh, Is that a no?

COSMO
Uh uh! The baby just kicked! I think that
means it's coming!

WANDA
Awww, did ya hear that, Timmy? The
baby's coming?

TIMMY/WANDA
THE BABY'S COMING? AAAGH!

COSMO
Cool it, you two! This is no time to panic.
Let's all remain calm and get to the Fairy
Hospital so we can all enjoy this beautiful
moment!

COSMO
AAAAAAGH!! THIS IS NOT A BEAUTIFUL
MOMENT!

DR. RIP STUDWELL (O.S.)

Don't worry, Cosmo. Everything's looking
fan-tastic!

DR. RIP STUDWELL

On me. You on the other hand sound like
you're in a lot of pain.

COSMO
(in a lot of pain)
No...childbirth...is..eee!
a..wonderful.....AAAAAGH!

WANDA
Can't you do something about this, Dr.
Rip Studwell?

DR. RIP STUDWELL

I have just the thing...
 WANDA
That's better! Thanks, Dr. Rip Studwell.

DR. RIP STUDWELL

What?

WANDA
What?

TIMMY
Huh?

COSMO
GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT!

DR. RIP STUDWELL

Fear not, Cosmo. Dr. Rip Studwell is on
the case. Now...does anyone here know
how to deliver a fairy baby?

TIMMY
You mean, you don't know how?

DR. RIP STUDWELL

Timmy, a fairy baby hasn't been born in
thousands of years. No one knows how.
Let's see if this button does something.

COSMO
AHH! AAH! AAH!

DR. RIP STUDWELL

Hehe! Yeah it does!

TIMMY
There's got to be something we can do to
get our baby out of him! Can't I just wish
it out???

DR. RIP STUDWELL

Ha, ha ha ha ha. Timmy, Timmy, Timmy.
As far as I know baby delivery is a highly
intricate and complexicated medical
procedure. You can't just "wish" it
out...can he?

COSMO
I'M A VERY UN-COMPLEXICATED PERSON!
WISH IT OUT! WISH IT OUT!

TIMMY
Okay, okay! I WISH OUR BABY WAS OUT!

ANGELIC CHOIR
AAAAAAAAAAAh AAAAAAAAAAh
AAAAAAAh AAAAAAAAAh!

DR. RIP STUDWELL

The angelic choir is going to cost you
extra.

BABY
POOF!

TIMMY/WANDA/COSMO
Aaaawwww.

WANDA
Oh, Cosmo. Our baby is beautiful.

TIMMY
Is it a boy or a girl? Is it a boy our a girl? I
gotta know, I GOTTA KNOW!

DR. RIP STUDWELL

Excellent question. Let me just take it
outside where the light is better and find
out...

JORGEN
Not so fast, "Dr. Rip Studwell." Or should I
say...Anti-Cosmo!

TIMMY/WANDA/COSMO
Gasp!

ANTI-COSMO
Oh, poo.

JORGEN
Ha! Good thing I was here to save the
baby from your evil clutches! Now let me
take it outside where the light is better
and make sure it's safe...
 ANTI-COSMO
Not so fast, "Jorgen"! Or should I say...

ANTI-COSMO
Pixies in a Jorgen suit!

TIMMY/WANDA/COSMO
Gasp!

HP
Darn. I really thought the Jorgen suit
would work this time.

SANDERSON
Well, it did get us into that club in Rio.

MAMA COSMA
Oh, give me my grandchild! There, there.
I'll just take him slash her outside where
the light is better now and look at the...

JORGEN
Not so fast, "Mama Cosma"! Or should I
say...

MAMA COSMA
Ow! Ooh! Eeeh!

JORGEN
Wow. This one is really glued on there.

WANDA
Give me back our baby! None of you has
the slightest idea how to keep it safe,
warm and loved! AAAAAH!

EVERYONE
Gasp!

TIMMY
Oh no! The baby is gone! You guys
should run outside where the light is
better and look for it!

BABY
Poof! Poof!

JORGEN
Hey! His puny chest just poof poofed!

JORGEN
Give me the baby, Turner! It's magic
must be used for good!

ANTI-COSMO
Give me the baby, Turner...

HP/SANDERSON
..it's magic must be used for evil!

MAMA COSMA
Oh, give me the baby! I just want to
pinch it's cheeks!

WALLA EVERYONE
(Give it to us! Give me the baby, Turner!
Hand it over! Give it to me if you want it
to live!)

CUPID
Weird. The music was much cheerier in
Rio.

FAIRY HART
I'm Fairy Hart reporting live from Fairy
World Hospital where members of an
angelic choir have informed us that
Cosmo and Wanda have finally had their
fairy baby!

ANGELIC CHOIR
"Had the baby! Had the baby!"

FAIRY HART
As you know, this is the first fairy baby
born in thousands of years! One can only
imagine the love and tenderness taking
place in that hospital room right now!

COSMO
GET AWAY FROM MY LITTLE KEANU!

EVERYONE
Keanu?

COSMO
Yeah, I'm just not feelin' "Barfolemew"
anymore.

WANDA
It would be easier to name it if we knew
what it was! Let me just check...

JORGEN
There will be plenty of time to name the
child once we forcibly take it from you.
Personally I like Dagmar. It means: "the
landfill is burning..."

HP
Blah, blah blah. That means: "Give us
the baby, Turner..."

TIMMY
Blah, blah, blah. That means: "No way,
Jose!"

COSMO
Jose! That name is muy bueno! Hola,
Jose'!

TIMMY
Adios, Muchacho!

COSMO/WANDA/TIMMY
AAAGH! <IMPACT NOISE>

TIMMY
(pained)
Ugh! I really thought that well-planned
escape attempt was gonna work.

BABY
<GIGGLE>

JORGEN
Get the cute, giggling baby!

BABY
<GIGGLING>

JORGEN/ ANTI-COSMO/ HP/ MAMA COSMA

Uugh!
 JORGEN
<PTOOIE NOISE> I really thought that
well-planned baby grab was going to
work. They must be outside where the
light is better, follow me! <STRUGGLE
NOISE>

WANDA
Wow! Looks like our baby's laughter is
magical! It protected us!

COSMO
That's my boy! Girl! We really should
check...

TIMMY
No time! We gotta get outta here! I wish
we had a rocket car!

WANDA
Oh no! We are not putting the baby in a
rocket car! Either wish for a stroller or a
nice mini van.

TIMMY
Fine! I wish I had a rocket powered
stroller!

WANDA
Well, that's better. I hope.

TIMMY
Hop in and hang on!

FAIRY HART
...and we're all waiting anxiously for the
happy parents to give us our first glimpse
of the little, magic miracle.

JORGEN
Wow, the light really is better out here.

ANTI-COSMO/HP
Ahh!
 This is Jorgen Von Strangle. I'm putting
out an ABB - an All Babies Bulletin - on
Cosmo, Wanda and Timmy Turner! Blast
first and ask questions later!

JORGEN
Okay, forget the "blast first" part, I
waaaaay over-reacted there. But WE
MUST FIND THAT BABY BEFORE THE
PIXIES AND ANTI-FAIRIES DO! GO! GO!
GO!

FAIRY SOLDIER
AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Livin' the
dream! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

WANDA
Oh no, they put out an ABB!

COSMO
An "Always Brush your Back?"

JORGEN
This is fairy leader one. We've located
the fairy baby and are in hot pursuit.

MAMA COSMA
Watch where you're flying! Put your seat
belt on! And why are we in Jets when we
can fly?

JORGEN
Stop hitting me you crazy ol' bat!

COSMO
Here they come! What do we do?

TIMMY
You tell me, you're the parents!

WANDA
Timmy's right, we are the parents. And
we say:

COSMO/WANDA
DO SOMETHING TIMMY!

TIMMY
Fine! Hang on! Again!

JORGEN
We've lost visual!

MAMA COSMA
If you'd pay attention you wouldn't lose
anything! And sit up straight! And from
where I'm sitting your ears could use a
good scrubbing!

COSMO
Okay, we're safe now in the dark, scary
woods, and...and...IT'S DARK AND
SCARY!!

SCARY TREES
OOOOHHHHHH!

BABY
(crying)

WANDA
Cosmo! You're scaring little Talulah!!

COSMO
Yeah well, I'd cry, too, if my name was
"Talulah"!

TIMMY
Wait! When the baby giggled it saved us.
I'll bet when it cries...

WANDA
...bad things happen.

COSMO
Wow. I wonder what happens when it
burps?

BABY
Poof! Poof! (Burp!)

WANDA
Yaaaah! Lightning. Lightning happens.

JORGEN
Ha ha! Looks like buying those giant
sign/lightning/burp detectors was a great
idea 'cuz I found the baby!

ANTI-COSMO
And so have we!

HP/SANDERSON
And so have we.

HP
By the way why are we in jets when we
can fly?

JORGEN
I thought it would be fun!

COSMO
Timmy I thought we told you to do
something!

TIMMY
I'm thinking, I'm thinking! Okay, I'm
done. Give me the baby.

COSMO/WANDA
What!?

TIM
No one would ever think you would leave
l'il "T" in my care, so that's exactly what
you should do! That way I can give them
the slip!

COSMO/WANDA
"L'il T"?

TIMMY
Yeah. For "Little Timmy". It's easy to
remember.

COSMO
Tommy's right! It is easy to remember!

WANDA
Okay, we'll talk names later! Just go and
please be careful.
 TIMMY
I will.

COSMO
Good luck, Tommy!

TIMMY
Now I wish you two had a fake Timmy
and fake fairy baby!

COSMO
Wow! Hollow, just like the original!

TIMMY
Now take off with the "decoys" and I'll
meet you back home!

WANDA
Goodbye, my little Twinkle!

COSMO
"Twinkle?" That's pretty close to "Tinkle".

WANDA
Well, it'd be easier to name it if we knew
what it was!

COSMO
Lemme just check...

TIMMY
No time for that now! I wish I was home!

WANDA
Let's lead them off Timmy's trail!

COSMO
Who's Timmy?

JORGEN
We have visual on the baby, again!

MAMA COSMA
How can you have visual anything? Your
windshield's filthy! And how about
wearing a shirt with some sleeves once
in a while, and Blah and Blah and Blah
blah blah?!
 JORGEN
GGGGRRRRR!

JORGEN
Looks like buying that "Nagging Old Lady
Eject Button" was a great idea, too!

MAMA COSMA
Who folded this parachute? Look how
wrinkled it is!

TIMMY
Made it! I'm alone with the baby and...

BABY
<BABY NOISES>

TIMMY
Oh no...I'M ALONE WITH THE BABY!

BABY
<CRYING NOISE>

TIMMY
No, no don't cry. Please don't cry, L'il T.
Uh...cootchy coo.

The baby's tummy RUMBLES!

BABY
(hungry sounds)

TIMMY
Oh, you sound hungry. Okay, let's see
what mommy and daddy left you to eat...

TIMMY
Let's see: "Cosmo". "Baby-to-be-named-
later"...

TIMMY
(baby talk)
Okay...let's take care of you. Let's go!
Leeeet's go! I've gotta stop talking like
this!

TIMMY
Okay, the bottle is all warmed up
and...shorts!

DAD
Hi, son! We were just out jogging in an
attempt to stave off aging!

MOM
And all that running from Father Time has
made us thirsty! Whew, Is that a sports
drink?

MOM
<GLUG GLUG GLUG! BURP!>
Suddenly...sleepy. Must...curl up in...fetal
position. <THUMBSUCKING>

DAD
Aw...isn't that cute and is that a baby?

TIMMY
Uh...no.

DAD
Well, it sure looks like a baby! Oooh, and
it's got that new baby smell!

TIMMY
And that's why it's the most popular,
new, battery-operated, baby doll on the
market!

DAD
Oooh! I want one!

DAD
Hey, Tommy, this is fun! It's like the child
I never had! And it makes me feel
younger! Father time will never catch...

BABY
<BURPS>

DAD
Yei! Uh...I think it has a short in it.

TIMMY
And that's why I'm taking it back to the
store! Bye, Dad!

DAD
<SNIFFING> Ew! She has that new baby
smell, too!

TIMMY
Hmmm, you're heavy. I wish I had a
stroller...

BABY
Poof! Poof! <GIGGLE>

TIMMY
Wow, you understand me! But no more
magic until we can figure out what to do
with you and no more striking my parents
with lightning. (Beat) Unless I say so.

BABY
<GIGGLE>

TIMMY
Okay that's not funny -

TIMMY
And I don't have time for...

BABY
<GIGGLE>

ICECREAM MAN
<GOOFY CHUCKLE>

KIDS
<SCREAMING>

TIMMY
Okay, that's funny. For a smelly little ball
of trouble you're really neat, you know
that? I think we're gonna be great
friends.

ICECREAM MAN
<GOOFY CHUCKLE>

TIMMY
We can go to ball games. And I can
blame you for stuff. And teach you how
to play video games and I'm totally
talking wike that again, HUH?!

BABY
<GIGGLE>

TIMMY
No. No more magic. You have to stay
hidden...

TIMMY
Ice cream? Okay, I'll let this one slide.

KID #1
It's an Ice Cream miracle!

KID #2
I'm lactose intolerant but I don't care!

TIMMY
Jorgen was way off, L'il T. You're magic
isn't scary. It's awesome!

BABY
<CRYING>

TIMMY
Not awesome! Don't cry. Don't crrryyyy....

BABY
<CRYING>

KIDS
Huh?

TIMMY
Too late.

EVERYONE
<SCREAMING>

MONSTER
<ROARS>

COPS
Ahhhh!
 BABY
<CRYING>

TIMMY
No! No! No cry-ee! Laughy! See? I'm silly!
I gotta stop this! Wait! Your bottle!

TIMMY
Okay, crying bad. Bottle good.

BABY
<HICCUP>

TIMMY
Hiccups? What are hiccups? Please tell
me hiccups are good?

TIMMY
Hiccups equal natural disasters! So tough
being a parent!

TIMMY
Ahhhhhh!

JORGEN
See how much damage you have
caused? Give me the baby, Turner, and I
will train it to control its unpredictable
magic! Trust me!

TIMMY
No! I'll never...

BABY
<BURP!>

TIMMY
...you have my blessing.

JORGEN
Ha! Ha! Ha! I cannot believe you fell for
that again!

ANTI-COSMO
<EVIL CHUCKLE>
And look! We've teamed up to double the
danger!
 HP
Good-bye, Timmy Turner. Forever. HA!
HA HA!

ANTI-COSMO
Oooh, wonderful evil laugh, HP.

HP
Not as wonderful and evil as yours, A.C.!

ANTI-COSMO
A.C.? I like that! <EVIL LAUGH>

TIMMY
Oh no! What have I done?!!!!

TIMMY
Okay, this is bad, Anti-Cosmo and the
Pixies took L'il T. But it's good because
Cosmo, Wanda and Jorgen aren't here to
see this.

TIMMY
Now it's bad again.

JORGEN
I tracked you down, Turner! Did you really
think I would fall for your fake Timmy
doll? Look! Now I have Cosmo, Wanda
and the baby! Ha ha ha!

TIMMY
Uh...that's a baby doll.

JORGEN
Really? Huh. Incredible likeness. You win
this round, Turner! Now, where is little
baby Kaja-goo-goo?

WANDA
And why is there melted ice cream
everywhere?

COSMO
And why do you look as though you've
done something horribly wrong?

TIMMY
Uh… funny story. Ha ha, You guys are
gonna love this. Seems that...you're not
gonna believe this...but seriously...the
Anti Fairies and Pixies teamed up, took
the baby, and are gonna use it's magic to
take over the universe. Funny, huh?

COSMO/WANDA/JORGEN
WE GOTTA FIND OUR BABY!

WANDA
Wait! I think my maternal instincts are
kicking in!

JORGEN
My maternal instincts are kicking in, too!
Oh wait. It's just the burrito again. Aie!

WANDA
I'm picking up little Flo Jo's trail! Follow
me!

COSMO
It's Keanu!

TIMMY
L'il T!

JORGEN
KAJAGOOGOO!

JORGEN
Hmmm...Anti-Cosmo's Castle. A
dangerous place. Are you sure little Baby
Elvis is in there? What? Kajagoogoo is so
five minutes ago.

WANDA
I'm thinking "Oprah" now, and, yes, I'm
as sure she's in there as I'm sure
Cosmo's head is full of jelly!

COSMO
What kind of jelly?

WANDA
<SIGH> Grape Jelly.
 COSMO
She knows me so well! Who wants some?
Anyone? Tommy?

WANDA
Timmy, this is terrible! I just feel that
something awful could happen to our
little boy-slash-girl! We have to get inside
that castle!

TIMMY
YAAAAH!

JORGEN
Wait! I have good news! We don't need to
get inside!
I found the baby!

TIMMY
Doll again.

JORGEN
Seriously?

TIMMY
Fear not, Wanda! I got my brother-slash-
sister into this mess and I'm gonna get
him-slash-her out! I have a plan...

JORGEN
Worst plan ever.

COSMO
At least we have food! Who wants a
burrito?
<CHEWING>
Hmm...needs jelly. <CHEWING> That's
better!

WANDA
Back up and I'll blast our way out!

WANDA
<GASP> My wand is gone!

JORGEN
All our wands are gone!
 ANTI-COSMO
Ha ha ha! Looking for these? I say, HP,
can you think of any predicament worse
then being a fairy trapped in a giant
butterfly net cage without your wand?

HP
Yes.

BABY
Poof! Poof!

HP
Us having control of the fairy baby so we
can use it's magic to destroy Fairy World
and take over the entire universe.

ANTI-COSMO
Ooh...that is worse! For them.

WANDA
IF YOU SO MUCH AS LAY A HAND ON OUR
BABY I'LL DESTROY BOTH OF YOU!

ANTI-COSMO
Oooh, I'm so frightened. Now, if you'll
excuse us, we must go and harness little
Fauntleroy's magic here and commence
our evil plot of doom...

HP
Fauntleroy? We are not calling the baby
Fauntleroy. I was thinking Bill. Bill's a guy
you trust with your business portfolio.

ANTI-COSMO
Oh, let's just suck the magic out of this
brat and move on - okay?

BABY
Mama? Dada?

WANDA
You did this! You had us poof up a baby,
then got it baby-napped then got us
trapped inside the anti-fairy castle inside
a butterfly net and I just want our baby
back! <CRYING>

COSMO
There there, some brain jelly will make it
all better.

JORGEN
Nice going Turner. Not only did you break
her heart and strip us of our
wands,<CHEWING> you put the universe
in danger. And worse? You put me in a
stupid bunny suit! WHY??

TIMMY
Because it's all a part of my plan THAT'S
NOT FINISHED YET! Now...let's go get my
fairy god brother slash sister.

TIMMY
Yah! Now, come with me if you want to
save the...waaagh!

COSMO/WANDA
<GASP>

COSMO
There's a million doors in this castle!
Little Farrah could be anywhere!

WANDA
Wait! My maternal instincts are kicking in
again! Baby Bosley is somewhere near!

JORGEN
Okay, everyone be quiet. This is the part
where they spell out their evil plan...

JORGEN
...and I don't want any Jelly!

ANTI-COSMO
As you know, HP, contained inside this
small, sweet, yet somewhat homely fairy
child lies some of the purest, most
natural, untapped magic in the universe!
 HP
Yes, that part I get...

HP
...I also understand how the patented
magic suckers draw out the magical
impulses through the baby's pores...

ANTI-COSMO
...which will then be sucked through
these tubes, and sent to our big, evil,
anti-fairy wand...

ANTI-COSMO (V.O.)
....where we will simply wish Fairy World
gone forever! And once all the good is
gone, our evil will control the universe!

HP
And the earth?

ANTI-COSMO
I say we celebrate our victory by
destroying it!

ANTI-COSMO/HP
Ha ha ha ha!!

BABY
Poof?

BABY
Poof?

ANTI-COSMO/HP
Ha ha ha ha ha!

TIMMY
We have to stop their plan and save L'il T.
and the universe!

FAIRIES
Aaaaaaaah!!!!

CHET UBETCHA
Good evening, Dimmsdale, I'm Chet
Ubetcha with a horrifying newsbreak!
THE WORLD IS ENDING AND THINGS ARE
IN MASS CHAOS! Aaaah!

MOM
Whew, good thing we're in shape!

DAD
Yes! Now we can outrun Father Time AND
Mother Earth!

MOM/DAD
AAAAHHHH!!!!

DAD
Ah, I'm scared!

MOM
I know! You have that 'new baby' smell!

CHET UBETCHA (V.O.)

Tidal waves are approaching the cities!

CHET UBETCHA (V.O.)

Dogs and cats are living together! It's
mass hysteria! How will this affect your
holiday weekend?

ANTI-COSMO/ HP
Ah ha ha ha ha!

JORGEN
The universe is breaking apart!

WANDA
We need a plan to free little Mackenzie!

COSMO
And remember: we're outnumbered, we
don't have any magic and my head's full
of jelly!

TIMMY
Oh, we're not going to free our baby.

WANDA/COSMO
Say what?

TIMMY
Our baby is going to free itself.

TIMMY
Wanda Hood! Catch and fire!

BABY
<GIGGLE>

WANDA
Bullseye!

ANTI-COSMO
Turner! Came all this way to feed the
baby, did you?

HP
Ooh. We're sooooo scared. What do you
think will happen now?

TIMMY
Lightning. Lightning will happen.

BABY
<BUUUURP>

ANTI-COSMO/HP
Nooooooo!

BABY
Poof poof?

ANTI-COSMO
Seize them!

TIMMY
Seize this!

COSMO
BOW TO THE JELLY! Wow...I can finally
hear myself! Man, I sound like an idiot.
Do I always sound like this?

JORGEN
Nice going, Turner! I underestimated you!
Your knack for organizing complexicated
plans is--

TIMMY
Dance, Bunny boy! Dance!

JORGEN
Okay! <SINGS> La la la le le le
I'm a Silly Pink Bunny
I am cute yes it's true
I will shake my tail for you.

BABY
<GIGGLE>

ANTI-COSMO
Eeeh errr!

TIMMY
Perfect! Now make L'il T cry!

JORGEN
But how? I'm so fluffy and lovable.

JORGEN
DAhhhhhh!!!!

BABY
Whaaaaaah!!!!!

ANTI-COSMO
Well...this won't do at all.

ANTI-FAIRIES AND PIXIES

<AAAAH! WALLA!>

RABBIT MONSTER
<ROAR>

ANTI-COSMO
Eeeh!

WANDA
Okay, so we've beaten Anti-Cosmo and
HP, but how do we save the universe??

TIMMY
With lunch! Cosmo? Time for a delivery.

COSMO
OK, but I only deliver within a 5 mile
radius, and the burrito is free if I don't
get it to you in 30 minutes or...

TIMMY
Just gimme a burrito!

JORGEN
Turner! You are crazy! Those burritos are
too spicy even for me! That meat filled
pouch of doom will turn that baby's
digestive system into a virtual time
bomb!

TIMMY
Exacta-mungus!

COSMO
Wait, when it giggles good things
happen!

HP
When it burps lightning happens.

WANDA
When it cries bad things happen.

ANTI-COSMO
And when it breaks wind?

JORGEN
There's no telling what could happen!

TIMMY
HIT THE DECK!!

ANTI-COSMO
Hee heee!

HP
Aaah!

TIMMY
Yaaah!

JORGEN
Aaah!
 FAIRIES
Yay! Yippeee! Hooray!

JORGEN
What just happened? I feel as though all
of life's pressures have been released in
a sudden burst!

WANDA
It's almost as though a giant wind has
blown away all our troubles!

COSMO
Or that little Liza just cut a magical huge
one and the universe is back to normal!

TIMMY
And most importantly our baby is
healthy, happy and with it's family,
again.

JORGEN
It's as if the universe now has that 'new
baby' smell! Thank you Turner, not only
for saving the baby but the universe from
the anti-fairies and Pixies...

JORGEN
...who are in a lot of trouble.

ANTI-COSMO
You cannot win!

HP
Bow before our might.

JORGEN
I can't wait to put you on my cereal. You
two raisins will keep me regular for a long
time.

ANTI-COSMO/HP
Noooooo!

JORGEN
And now allow me to present the baby
with its first toy.
 COSMO
A rattle?

JORGEN
A magic rattle. This way the baby can
channel its magic and control it. And now
I will take the baby back to fairy world to
train it to use the rattle properly.

WANDA
You're going to take the baby?

JORGEN
Yes. It hurts me. But only slightly. And
fear not. You will be able to visit the baby
every other millenium! Come, Napoleon!

TIMMY
Noooo! I don't get it! He just took L'il T!
And after all we've been through! Where
are the tears? The emotion? You're not
even crying and
... he took the fake baby didn't he?

WANDA AND COSMO

Taa daa!

BABY
Poof Poof!!

TIMMY
Awesome!

COSMO/WANDA/TIMMY
Ha Ha!

TIMMY
Finally! Home sweet home. Where
everything is normal.

BABY
Poof! Poof! Poof!

TIMMY
Wow, it sure is gonna be great with a
new fairy brother slash sister around
here!
 BABY
<GIGGLES>

TIMMY
By the way? What are we gonna name it?

WANDA
Well, first we have to find out if it's a boy
or a girl. And after that huge explosion,
now's a perfect time to change its diaper.

WANDA
Now, let's see if you're a boy or a Girl!

COSMO
(fainting) Uuuuugh...new baby smell...
gah!

WANDA
Aaagh!

TIMMY
It's a boy.

TIMMY
Because boys love water squirters!

WANDA
Oooh! What should we name him?

BABY
Poof! Poof! Poof!
Poofpoofpoofpoofpoofpoofpoofpoof!

TIMMY
Hmmm...I'm partial to "L'il T." But how
about "Poof?"

WANDA
Hey! That's great! Little baby 'Poof!'
Where'd you come up with that?

TIMMY
It just came to me.

BABY POOF
Poof! Poof! Poof!
 DAD
Yeh! Good thing we're in shape! Now we
can keep up with our house!

MOM
And it has that new baby smell!

BABY POOF
Poof!

IRIS OUT

THE END