The ramblings of a disturbed mind

By Kamau Ndungu
<kamaucb@yahoo.com>

The characters and events described in this book are fictional, any resemblance to actual people or events is purely coincidental.

No part of this book should be reproduced in any form without prior approval of the author.

NOT FOR SALE Copyright 2008.

To everyone who loves a rhyme or two

Contents
1. 2. 4. 5, 6. 7. 8,9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15, 16. 17,18. 19. 20, 21. 22, 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30, 31. 32, 33. 34, 35. 36. 37. 38. Dream on A cold world World war 3 from a news reporters perspective The shrink and I After death Daily trauma I love depression Cake Im dreamer She End times Life as a student Insanity Questions Im tired Im tired part 2 Grace Love The chess symphony Riddled Tears of a forsaken land Memoirs of a troubled heart Plan B It wasnt meant to be She only wanted to be loved Tomorrow will come Let me be Leaving the past

Dream On Whether or not your dreams come to be, Its just a matter of wait and see, They are unrestricted and free, So dream on and let your imagination run free.

A cold world Walking along a dusty street, There is this boy I meet, I inspect his clothes that dont quite fit, Then shift to his bare swollen feet, Someone calls him from across the street, Its a woman on a makeshift seat, I cant make out what shes trying to knit, But soon she throws it away in defeat, Her mood changes and shes upbeat, Shes looking at a man up the street, Unlike her, every aspect of him is neat, He looks away immediately their eyes meet, Doesnt offer her even a shilling at least, For the second time her moods that of defeat, Compounded to her problems is the midday heat, Its as if shes lost in a bottomless pit, She stands up though its a difficult feat, She and her boy walk towards another street, Hoping that someone there will notice they exist, In this cold world that we inhabit.

World war 3 From a news reporters perspective. During the hours of the early morning sun, Israel was hit by a missile from Iran, And now a raging war has begun, With effects felt as far as Japan. Its now forty eight hours later, The wars become a grave matter, We have just received new data, That the Arab league is gathered in Qatar. Weve learnt of an urgent Israel letter, Asking America for military aid and shelter, The war isnt getting any better, Its now spread as far as the Nile delta. Today America has joined the war, Russias involvement cant be far, A world war is likely to occur, Culminating in a war for power. The United Nation is a sitting duck, Watching helplessly as it did in Iraq, There is now no turning back, Survival has become a matter of luck.

Inevitably its turned to nuclear warfare, We are now firmly stuck in this quagmire, Even optimists hopes now urn to despair, Were now in the midst of our worst nightmare. Total doom is approaching fast, I reminisce about the past, Realizing that this broadcast, Is probably my last.

The shrink and I Hello doc, its me again, As usual am in pain, But not to worry, Its the same old story. Hi Chris, have a seat, Sorry for making you wait, Okay, lets hear it, Whats new since our last meet. Its something about her, That I cant quite figure, Does she like me or not, Is it worth the effort. Okay, tell me this, Whats your basis, For this uncertainty, Maybe well figure the reality. At times shes responsive, At others shes pensive, At times she shows interest, Then pushes me off the crest.

Lets end this nonsense, Come on, heres the sense, Why not just ask her, Is that too hard sir, I hope weve come to an understanding, I want no more of your ranting.

But doc No more buts my friend, This is what we call the end.

After death What Id like to know, Is where does my spirit go, When my last words being said, And my hearts final beat fades. Will I hear the angels sing? And dine with ancient kings, Or disintegrate into atoms and gases, As is taught in scientific classes. Will I be buried or cremated, Will my soul be reincarnated? As is believed by the Hindus, Or will my soul be set loose. Will I remember those I know? Or forget both friend and foe, When I take my final breath, And am buried deep underneath.

Daily trauma Im walking along this pavement, My heartbeat stops for a moment, My brain is caught in a paralytic state, My heart suddenly starts to accelerate. Im still walking at the same pace, But Ive lost all sense of time and place, My breathing is erratic and heavy, My composure is lost and am nervy. My vision becomes hazy and blurry, Im confused and cant think clearly, Im still moving up the route, Despite my brains short circuit. The present moment seems surreal, As if everything is at a standstill, Am still walking up against my will, Unprepared for the ensuing ordeal, Inevitably our eyes come to meet, My heart beats so loud I can hear it, Im unable to form even a simple sentence, My body stiffens and my muscles tense.

She looks at me and says hi, Somehow I mutter an incoherent reply, Then as I walk by, I take a huge sigh. I wipe off my perspiration, My body resumes normal respiration, I curse the complexities of nature, For my hearts unrelenting torture.

I love depression My mood is dangerously low, I want to be alone, Yet, Im glad somehow, I actually love this feeling. Before you proclaim me neurotic, Let me explain the logic, Depression is the opposite of chaotic, In a world thats ever hectic, A way of life thats ever frantic, A future thats ever bleak, Depression slows down the pace, Puts a temporary halt to the craze, And takes you to an excluded place, Leaving your worries at a distance, Because at that instance, You dont have a worry in the world, Not concerned with what will unfold, Everything is calm and serene, A feeling only depression can bring, Though one thing causes you distress, It usually hurts a little less, Than the worlds jumbled mess, Though your mood be down, And all you manage is a frown, Look around and smile, For if only for a while, The troubles of the world are repressed, Thanks to the feeling of being depressed.

Cake They always say I should listen clearly, That and I cant have my cake and eat it, It never made much sense, Till one day I bought a cake and ate it, Even though it was good, I never finished it, Am still buying cakes and eating them, I think am addicted, Am like Adam and Eve, I love forbidden fruits, And now all my friends want to talk, About how much I love to eat this cake, I tell them they should take a long walk, And mind their own business, But in my heart I know its true, not about me or you, Its the reality of life in a world full of strife, Why do I want what I cant have, And why do I always get what I dont love, Now all the cakes in the world are never enough, The girl of my dreams stays in my dreams, My mind is caked in mud, Ill open a cake shop, Though this is true, I hope it gave you a laugh. B.Mulli

Im a dreamer I dream of universal health care, An end to reliance on welfare, I dream of peace and unity, Ensuring our economic stability. I dream of prosperity till my last breath, And eternal life in paradise after death, I dream of a world devoid of trouble, With freedom and power to the people. I dream of peace in the Middle East, And of Arabs friendship with the west, I dream of peace between Christians and Muslims, Enabling everyone to pursue their dreams. I dream of a world with no tears, And an end to all our fears, I dream of smiles across the globe, Brought about by optimism and hope. Im a dreamer.

She Her smile is electric, And leaves me ecstatic, And oh how beautiful she is, Her radiance fills me with bliss, Im crazy about her, Its something about her aura, That draws from afar, Its somehow absurd, I cant find the perfect word, Do I call it elation? Or is it infatuation, Neither will do, Maybe youve felt it too, Theres one problem though, Its called heartbreak, Greater than any ache, That strikes me down, Whenever she frowns, But its still worthwhile, If later I see her smile.

End times The end is almost here, Getting closer every year, I say this for every soul to hear, The Day of Judgment is near. Wars of nation against nation, As was prophesied in Revelation, A world filled with hate and temptation, Time is running out for our redemption. Brothers fight against brothers, Children disrespect their mothers, Daughters are defiled by fathers, Even friends back stab each other. The present situation may seem dire, But if you want to escape the fire, As your soul might desire, Believe in Christ the messiah. People of every country and state, Its up to us to decide our fate, And repent before its too late, If we desire to enter heavens gate.

Life as a student Early in the morn the alarm rings, Outside a solitary bird sings, Damn! Another day begins. Damn, time for a cold shower, I shouldnt be awake at this hour, Complaining is utterly useless, I brought upon myself this stress. I barely make it to class by seven, No break in sight till eleven, I cant even recall when last, I had any real breakfast. An assignment is due in the afternoon, And a couple of reports soon, I have two CATS tomorrow, And the exams soon to follow. Its now a five hour lecture, Damn! I should have taken literature, Some classmates are continuously yawning, Our lecturer recommends jogging in the morning,

Its already dark outside, Our lecture continues inside, Finally I make it to supper, The meal isnt anything proper. I lie in bed exhausted, With a lot yet to be completed, I try staying awake in vain, Then before I know it, the alarm rings again.

Insanity Our boy will definitely win, My friend proclaims with a grin, Ha! Ours is the stronger side, I boldly reply with pride. My friend is closer than a brother, On election day we queue together, We joke as we predict the outcome, Of the election that was proving tiresome. Later we go our separate ways, Unaware that in the coming days, Our friendship will be shattered, As if it never really mattered. Controversy mars the election results, My side wins by a few votes, As part of the country rejoices, All hell breaks loose. We are awakened by terrifying sounds, We watch our houses burn to the ground, But what I really cant comprehend, Is the sight of my longtime friend.

We are huddled together trembling and scared, By some grace our lives are spared, We are driven away man and woman, With warnings never to return. Though Id like to blame the politicians, The fault lies with us ordinary civilians, How else can you explain why my friend, Suddenly turned against me in the end.

Questions Would someone please explain Why we treat each other with disdain Why is it so hard to refrain From all this violence that sprouts so much pain Its said the faith of a mustard seed can move a mountain Yet we fail to put our faith and trust in Gods reign Why is it that despite our need of skilled labour for economic gain Kenya and other developing countries still suffer from brain drain Why is it that despite producing surplus amounts of grain Food for the common person is still hard to obtain Why does the media not air their views with restraint Making peace between tribes so hard to maintain Why is it that time after time we retain All these politicians that lie in their campaign Why do the youth fail to abstain Yet they know about HIV for certain Why do we do the same mistakes again and again Yet were well aware of the consequences that remain Why is it that despite all the worship and praying We continuously take the Lords name in vain Where are the clouds when we need rain Where is God during times of strife and strain Why was Africa created with the harshest terrain Why isnt it full of productive fields and plains

Im tired Im tired of the difficult things That every coming day brings Im tired of the grades Ive had Even after studying so hard Im tired of my unanswered prayers I wonder if God really cares Im tired of all these obstacles And waiting for elusive miracles Im tired of waiting for tomorrow With the burden of yesterdays sorrow Im tired of every time I strain Only to get disappointed again Im tired of every unfulfilled dream That lowers my self esteem Im tired of having no one to blame Of the unfairness of lifes cruel game Im tired of depression and stress And these emotions Im forced to suppress

Im tired of falling in love With someone I cant have

Im tired of my broken heart Causing all this pain and hurt Im tired of all these rumours I hear Whereas the truth is crystal clear Im tired of all these problems That I write about in my poems Im tired of writing all this time And of making every sentence rhyme

Im tired part 2 Im tired of caring what people think of me, Suppressing the person I really want to be. Im tired of everyone I try to impress, Often repressing my uniqueness. Im tired of not being truthful, Afraid that it might be hurtful, Im tired of not being able to say no, Under pressure from friends I know. Im tired of leaving a frown, On every friend Ive let down. Im tired of not expressing affection, Due to the fear of rejection. Im tired of the emotions Im afraid of revealing, And of being forced to hide my true feelings. Im tired of the fears Im afraid to confide, That I continue accumulating inside.

Im tired of my character being mistaken, From some actions I might have taken.

Im tired of every time I procrastinate, Of pushing matters to a later date. Im tired of blaming fate, For things in life I hate. To sum up all Ive said, Im tired of being afraid.

Grace Where are you grace? You no longer show your face, Return before everyone turns insane, The whole world has become inhumane. The world is dying from your loss, Slowly succumbing to chaos, Hatred is taking your place, Conquering every sex and race. You used to be our mediator, A precious gift from our creator, We now watch the world and tremble, As its moral foundations crumble. You are the rescuer of the undeserving, Never selective in your forgiving, I know you are out there somewhere, Your return is my daily prayer. Amazing grace, how great thou art, The saviour of our wretched hearts, Come back with your friend love, The greatest gifts from up above.

Love Described as the best feeling ever, And no storm it cannot weather, Yet it hurts like none other, Welcome to the realm of love. Described as forgiving and kind, Founded on ties that bind, Yet it enslaves the mind, Welcome to the realm of love. Described as the greatest virtue of all, And a guiding light of the soul, Yet it has led to manys downfall, Welcome to the realm of love.

The chess symphony Better say your prayers, Ready yourself for warfare, It will be a messy affair, Once I release my bishop pair. This time no flukes, Play by the book, Lest I take your rooks, And leave you shook. Your position seems alright, But soon youll be in plight, Once you feel the might, Of my galloping knights. Its time for the queen, To wrap up the win, And for the mighty king, To begin his reign.

Riddled Maybe I ought to take the risk, And pursue this miss, What have I to lose anyway, Inaction wont take the issue away, I will, I say to myself, Then put the idea on the shelf, Its rather inexplicable, Not that shes unapproachable, Not that I fear her, And to be wholly sincere, Im not really afraid of rejection, Or the after effects of dejection, Its something deep inside, So I take it all in stride, At the end of the day all I can say, Is that maybe one day, Ill overcome every doubt, And finally figure it all out.

Tears of a forsaken land Once a land of great opportunity, Its inhabitants held together in unity, Considered as the cradle of civilization, Africa now lies prostrate in desolation. First plundered by European immigrants, Now forsaken by its own inhabitants, A land from where many have fled, To escape lives of conflict and bloodshed. Governed by corrupt leaders and dictators, While the masses are mere spectators, Helplessly watching the theft of millions of dollars, While most of the population are slum dwellers. Left in ruins by ethnicity and tribal clashes, Crops destroyed and property burnt to ashes, A land where ministers have become land grabbers, And the closest of brothers back stabbers. As the tears of our land flow, And the voices of revolution grow, Let the perpetrators be forewarned, Africas glory will soon be restored.

Memoirs of a troubled heart Theres a question whose answer am yet to find, How to get a certain person off my mind, Ive come up with numerous solutions, And created as many resolutions, None has worked to date, Am almost accepting it as fate. She influences the clothes I wear, Am dumbfounded when shes near, I always try to avoid her gaze, My lifes become a complex maze, As if am in the middle of an epic war, Thats why am writing about her. Life used to be simple and straightforward, Its now dull and gloomy like a hospital ward, When in class its hard to concentrate, And the turmoil in me wont abate, Im confused and totally clueless, On how to find a solution thats flawless.

Plan B Im going to be an engineer, Thats what I tell my peers, But its now dawning on me, I might need a plan B. Thats the girl of my dreams, Or so it seems, But its now dawning on me, I might need a plan B. In a few years Ill marry, And have a life thats merry, But its now dawning on me, I might need a plan B. Im going to save yearly, And then retire early, But its now dawning on me, I might need a plan B. Ill learn how to play the guitar, And a few foreign languages later, But its now dawning on me, I might need a plan B.

I will travel the world, Before I get too old, But its now dawning on me, I might need a plan B.

It wasnt meant to be I realize this issue is getting stale, Dwelling on the same old tale, But this is the last time, I ever write about this dame. My mind is her playing field, No longer should I yield, It cant be that hard to solve, All I need is a stronger resolve. Who said life was fair, Ive got to stop building castles in the air, And stop singing the same old song, I need to move on. I tell myself theres hope, Probably the answer is nope, I should accept failure, And release myself from her snare. Maybe theres some hope in the future, But now Ive to look at the bigger picture, Probably what I need to be free, Is realize maybe it wasnt meant to be,

I cant forever grieve, Its now time for me to live, Wait a minute, who am I kidding, Chances are low of succeeding.

She only wanted to be loved Her father was drunk ever, Her mother had many lovers, At times she wished her life was over, She only wanted to be loved. No more could she endure, Ran away still yet to mature, Her final destination unsure, She only wanted to be loved. She got lured to a harlots den, Sleeping with different men, Daily crying out to the heavens, She only wanted to be loved. Met her knight in shining armour, Only later did she come to infer, He was only using her, She only wanted to be loved. She continued her long search, Finally ended up in church, That too didnt help much, She only wanted to be loved.

One day she could take no more, Suicide is the option she saw, The devil opened the door, She never found love.

Tomorrow will come My life is a living nightmare, All Ive ever known is pain, Im the reason they call life unfair, For my future is forever uncertain, Each year I wait for a better year, Some sunshine after the rain, But still the clouds grow greyer, I wonder how much longer I can sustain, The glimmer of hope I put in prayer, But still I carry my head high, For as the days pass by, A better tomorrow draws nigh.

Let me be They tell me who I should be, But cant they just see, I just want to be me, They say I should talk more, But all this I ignore, Leave me alone, I implore, They say I should be more likable, Make myself more approachable, They say I take life too casually, That I ought to take it more seriously, I ask them whats their worry, They too have their own life story, I try avoiding their chitchat, Condemning me for this and that, I silently watch and pity them, Unaware theirs is the bigger problem, Putting themselves through much strife, Unaware life is good, live your life.

Leaving the past I want to break loose and be free, As fish are in an expansive sea. I want to know how it feels like to fly, Like a majestic bird soaring in the sky. I want to forget every heartache, Im long overdue for a break. I want to forget lifes incessant nuisances, A bright future with no encumbrances. I want to enjoy every action I undertake, I want happiness every day I awake. I want all my past errs forgiven, I want to experience heaven. I want to discard grief like a cancer tumour, I want my life to be ever filled with humour, I want to live life without a care, An exciting life full of pomp and flair. Im leaving the past.

The end