APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER Parens! Rules fr Dating (continued from February issu) Your parents rules for your boytiend (or for you i youre a guy) Fula One YOU pull nto my driveway and honk you'd better be delvering a package, bocause youre sure not plosng anything Up. ule Two: ‘lc natouch my deuguern font etna. You ay glance athe solongas you donot pest at anything below her neck yo cannot oop Your eyes or hands otf of my daughters bod, | wl romove ule Three: {am aware that ts considered fashionable for boys of your age to ‘Wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your fiends are complet idiots, Stil, wantio be falrand open minded about his Issue, so | propose this compromise: Yournay come to the door with typumsaten tna Sanne eae mLaeersaeny ieee tute mop decane Siathami: i Snchapualt a ceaamnasta are ae Places wore here are beds sofas or anything sor than a oper 001, Places wiere hore is darkness, Places where thee Is Canc: i hagarugeesiaaaae wrecetecne Serie ae sah cacireen tote carers fea e ir eer tu ocarea ca Sernruy es rete Sesshonee Your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I wil better ot object. However, in order fo ensure thal your ciethes do not, in fact come of during te course of your date ih my daha wi take my electric nal gun and fasten your trousers sedurely in place to ‘your waist Rule Four: tim sure you've been told that in today’s world, sex without utlzing a ‘Barrier method! of some kind can killyou . Let me elaborate, when it ‘comes to sex, | am the barrier, and | will make your ile miserable, ule Five: Ris usually understood thatin order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics and other Issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information l require from you is an in ication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word need from you on this Subject is: "early." Rule Six have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls, This is fine with me as long as it Is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my lite Gir, you will Continue to date ino one but her until she is finished with you, Rule Nine: Bo not lie to me. | may appear to be a potbellied, balding, mid- 2 aged, dim wed has-been But on sabes relating io my daugh: ter, am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. task you fiers youare going and wit whom, you have ne chanceto elie the truth, the whole ruth and nothing but the truth. [have a shotgun, ‘a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not tiflo with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very affaid. It takes very litle for me to mistake the ‘sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming In search of an escaped convict. When my sense of preservation kicks in, the yoices nmy head frequently fellme io secure the permoter as wat for you to Bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car wth both hands in plain sight, Shout ‘outthe cryptic evening password, announce ina clear voice that You have brougntmy daughterhomesately ang ea, hen ran 6 Your car there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged lace atthe window is mine, Sincerely, Mom & Dad