My ideal guy was short..dark..and head is shaven off. Oh and I have this rule never a friend.

Not until I meet Suho. Suho was much different. Suho was tall, light skinned and apparently he doesnt like to cut his hair short, so, he wonnt even thinking about shaving his head off. And he became my friend. But I still fell for him. I met Suho when I joined this college organization. He is an old member and I was a newbie. When I saw him my heart skipped a beat and right then and there I knew I like him. That angelic smile of him melted me.. I smiled at him but to my surprise he ignored me. I thought of him as a very arrogant guy despite his angelic features. After the organizations orientation we never spoke..

After a month, Its Christmas eve and I got a text message.. Suho : Merry Chirstmas! Me : Whos this..? Suho : Hey Miho, its me Suho.. Me : Suho..? Suho : Suho from the Organization.. Me : Oh I see.. Merry Christmas too..

The conversation ended there. As much as I want to text him all night long I know I have to composed myself and not be obvious that I like him.. After that whenever theres a meeting or org events, we would talk. Not long after that we became friends. We become too close that people around us thinks that we are in a more-than-friends relationship. More often until we just laugh it off.. I know that I am already falling in love with him and theres no denying that he treats me more special than our friends, we talk every night and sometimes would end at wee hours of the morning but, I just cant assume. I know I have to hear it from him. Days Months And Years.. Go by and he still didnt say anything anout how he feels for me.. We spent a lot of time together..

Watched movies.. Goes shopping together.. Theres a lot of opportunity where he can tell me.. But.. NOTHING..!! So, I thought that we are just friends. It was so sad but Id rather have him as a friend than lose him.. I started dating somebody else.. But.. Its still him that I love so I always end up just dating.. I cant go steady, I cant commit because my heart still belongs to him.. Ive cried so many sleepless nights and sometimes I would talk to him but I will tell a different guys name so he will not think it was him that I talked about.. One night we went to a party together, I saw this pretty girl-flirting with him and he just ignored her. I approached him. Why did you do that..? I asked and he just shrugged. Go! Asked for her number..Shes pretty and shes perfect for you.. Damnit! How hard it was to say those words. As if I was killing myself.. To my surprised not long after he started dating the girl. He told me I was right and the girl was nice & sweet. He thanked me. BOM! There goes my heart.. His news broke my heart.. So, I stayed away from him.. I rarely attend the orgs meeting. He got too busy with the girl too. After a year we attended a friends wedding he went there without the girl. We were in the same table so, we had no choice but to talk. He asked me how I was and he said he missed me. I asked how he was too and how the relationship with the girl. Please, said you broke with her..Suho jebal.. But then.. He said that theyre doing fine. How about you? Dating someone? he asked and I froze. N-neh.. eventhrough I was single. Youre still playfully and still wont commit.. he said and those words hurt me. He said those word as if I played with his heart.. Tears fell down my eyes.. Thats how you see me..?

Nothing but a player.. If he only knew why I didnt get serious with those boys.. If only he knew how I waited for him to tell me his loves me I cant bear the thought of him seeing me cried so I left the party.. S-sorry, I gotta go.. I ran away. Miho!!! he called out but I keep running. He caught my wrist and he turned me around. Whats wrong..? What happen..? Did I said something wrong..? he asked fully concerned. No, you did something more horrible.. I mumbled and he ask what. I LOVE YOU!!! But you never love me. Do you know how much I cared about you. Suho!! I prayed everyday that you would love me back but I guess it never work..! I know I have that stupid rule but my heart is always with you!! Those guys I talked about that was YOU!!! You! Youre everything I thought about. He was speechless that all he did was hug me tighter, as if he was saying I;m sorry but I cant love you back.. I pushed him off. Dont! with that I ran away. I changed my number, move out and left all my problems. He sent me numerous e-mail but I never answered them.. Everyday he would send me e-mail.. But I didnt read it.. Im just gonna hurt myself more.. I tried to move on and live my life. One day, the bell rang in my apartment and it was our common friend. She told me that Suho has been trying to reached me,. I just shrugged it and changed the topic. The pain was still there and its too much that I cant bear talking about him. She handed me an envelop and she left. To my surprise, it was a wedding invitation.. Suhos wedding invitation.. I was trying so hard to stop the tears but.. I knew I had no control and I drop on my knees clutching onto the invitation.. I opened it and a small folded paper fell on the floor, I picked up the paper and its a note saying, Miho, this could have been us..

WHAT!!!! I yelled. I remember those e-mail he sent me.. I started opening my e-mail account and I opened the very first e-mail..

Miho, I am trying to call you but I guess you changed your number. I know it was very hard for you to tell me how you felt because I know youre not that kind of person. And believe me it was hard for me too. For the past 4 years, I just thought youre not interested in me. You told me your type and you have this rule NEVER A FRIEND. So, I stay quite cos I rather be your friend than not have you around me. I love you soo too much since the first time I saw you. When you smiled at me, you swoon me away. Do you remember? I greeted you on Christmas eve 4 years ago, I asked around for your number so I could text you and get to know you but when you knew it was me, you didnt reply me. Ever since that night, I would always prayed that one day youll be mine. That youll see in a different light but it didnt work or so I thought. When you said I look good with Sarah, I gave up. At that time, I thought us was never gonna happen. Maybe you really look me as a friend and Im just that, a friend. I gave up and courted her, I know it was wrong but I really thought I could move on but I cant. I know I shouldve told you. I just dont have the courage. Im sorry for being a jerk and for not telling you those three words you wanted. But honestly Miho, I do LOVE YOU. If you would give me a chance, I would love you always and forever. Just give me a chance to make you smile and make your eyes shots out love beams. I know I wont break your heart cos our heart is one. Please answer me. I understand if you hate and want nothing to do with me. I just wanted to tell you that I feel the same.. I LOVE YOU MIHO..

Loving you always.. Suho..

I broke down and cry. Its too late. Why didnt you opened the e-mail Miho! Youre stupid!! If only I read those e-mails.. Yes! It COULD HAVE BEEN US.. I really felt like dying.. I didnt go to the wedding and I just send him a gift.. Now, Im always thinking what if..? Its just sad to know that we both didnt have the guts to tell how and what we feel. He is now happily married,.. And most of all he is expecting their first child together.. I guess Im just a memory.. Suho, despite you getting married.. I would always love you.. You would always be the man I stupidly let go off..