Kelly Dramos 04/09/13

A Childs Heart
The music played. I could hear each and every instrument. The blow of the trumpet, the whistle of the flute and even the strings of the harp. This was the moment I had waited for. All those years, since I was a little girl. Training. Practicing. The band stopped playing the ladies and gentlemen clapped in awe of the talent in front of them. The best of the best were here at the Lincoln Center for Performing Arts to play for me. They were all here for me. Arianna Stevens, Odette in Swan Lake. The light shone on my face as I moved. I didnt need my eyes; I knew the choreography forwards and backwards, up and down. I could do it blind folded. I let my body do the work, and move to the music. I let myself relax and enjoy this moment. The epitome of a career in ballet. I could feel the dress brush against my legs as I turned and twisted beneath it. My partners strong hands guiding me, along lifting me high above him. I could do nothing but marvel at what I had accomplished at 17. I was on top of the world, and everything that I ever wanted. I had. My heart was beating faster than I could register and my emotions were bordering on hysteria. All I let myself do, was stay impeccably still in this perfect moment.

Thatll be $13.99 maam. I shoved the ladys groceries inside a plastic bag and handed it to her. Come back soon, next weeks special is lamb and chicken. My voice monotone, indifferent with every customer. I closed my eyes and sighed. The constant memories of my glory days pulled at me. They tore me up inside. I could never go back. I could never ever feel the way I felt when I was on a stage. That happiness, that feeling. It was all gone. Like a faint whisper over powered by the howls of the wind. My heart yearned for it, coveted for my old life back. There was nothing I could do though. There was no way my old ballet studio would take me back. Its not like I could afford it either. $11 dollars an hour wasnt enough to feed two mouths let alone pay for such an expense. It had been two years since I last set foot on a stage. I hadnt seen my parents in that long either. They didnt want anything to do with me. Not since I was kicked out of the academy for being pregnant. They were the kind of people that cared too much of what others thought. I had never been like that. Id always been impulsive and out spoken. A rather bad combination my parents used to say. The always wanted me to be perfect, showing me off to all their friends. Look at her, her mother beamed My little baby, all grown up! The champagne glass in her hand sloshed as she moved her arms extravagantly to draw attention. Turns out she didnt want all the attention that came with the little person growing inside of me. You must get rid of it. You will not live in this house otherwise. She said to me. That night I moved out. I could not stand of giving away my baby. The one thing I had left to link me to Luke. Luke the boy I loved so much I would crawl into his coffin if it meant we would be together forever. He was everything to me, and then he was gone. Now I was all alone with his baby. Our baby. My last memory of my first love. I closed the cashier when the closing bell rang. My old converse kicked the dry autumn leaves on the chipped pavement as I walked. My feet ached for my flats and a hardwood floor. I used to

Kelly Dramos 04/09/13 wonder what my life would be like if listened to my mother. If I had given away the one thing I held dear. Id be dancing right now. Long hard hours at the studio. I would be living in my mothers grandiose apartment, with my whole career ahead of me. My heart skipped at the thought, a weak smiled played on my lips. Then faded to nothing, like the color of my jeans. Maybe I should have given her away. My life would be so much easier. I sat on the worn out bench at her day care and watched her play. Maybe there was still time. I could find her a nice home. She was only two, in a few years she wouldnt even remember me. Somewhere out there was a family that could really provide for her in was I couldnt. I leaned back and breathed out into the cold. My breath turned to mist then disappeared, just like I was. Like Id always been since Luke died. I dont want this for me, I thought. I wanted my life back! I was losing myself. I wanted out. I sat there, watching her play. Processing what I was planning to do. I pressed my palms into my eyes to fight of the tears swealing behind them. My head snapped up as a cry pierced though the frozen air around me. I was on my feet and by her side in seconds. Mommy, I fell. She said between sobs. Its okay. Mommys here now. My chest tightened to the point it was hard to breathe. I felt my heart lurch, this unimaginable need to protect and keep her safe. I took her in my arms and hugged her tight. Everything else escaped my mind; all I cared for was her. This unnatural love Id only experienced once before. Its okay. Mommys here and Im not going anywhere. Luke might have left me all alone in this world but he left me a gift.