A Drunks Poem

Starkle, starkle, little twink, Who the hell you are I think. Im not under what they call The alcofluence of incohol. Im not drunk as thinkle peep, Im just a little slort of sheep. Tee martoonis make a guy Fool so feelish, dont know why. Rally dont know whos me yet The drunker I stay the longer I get So just one more to full my cup, I e all day so!er to Sunday up"

Cant go to School
#I ha e the measles and the mumps, $ gash, a rash and purple !umps. %y mouth is wet, my throat is dry. Im going !lind in my right eye. %y tonsils are as !ig as rocks, I e counted si&teen chicken po& $nd theres one more'thats se enteen, $nd dont you think my face looks green( %y leg is cut, my eyes are !lue It might !e instamatic flu. I cough and snee)e and gasp and choke, Im sure that my left leg is !roke %y hip hurts when I mo e my chin, %y !elly !uttons ca ing in, %y !ack is wrenched, my ankles sprained, %y *pendi& pains each time it rains. %y nose is cold, my toes are num!, I ha e a sli er in my thum!. %y neck is stiff, my oice is weak, I hardly whisper when I speak. %y tongue is filling up my mouth, I think my hair is falling out. %y el!ows !ent, my spine aint straight, %y temperature is one'o'eight. %y !rain is shrunk, I cannot hear, Theres a hole inside my ear. I ha e a hangnail, and my heart is ' What( Whats that( Whats that you say( +ou say today is ,,.Saturday( -!ye, Im going out to play".

Funny Excuses
So sick of the e&cuses you offer. +oure completely out of words. /ot an easy mental challenge. 0ies" Re'telling them is assurd. 1. 2ar, e ery tire is flat. 3. -as, always running out. 4. Funeral, older kin do die. 5. 6irth, there is some dou!t. 7. Stuck in real hea y traffic 8. 6ad accident in your lane. 9. Tooth appointment, :entist. ;. Stopped !y slow mo ing train. <. Trapped inside an ele ator. 1=. Ro!!ed !y a masked thief 11. Fell down a flight of stairs. 13. 6roke all of your false teeth. 14. 0ost !oth your contact lens. 15. Skidded on thin slippery ice. 17. >ulled o er for fast speeding, 18. not just once, !ut twice. /ow I ha e heard of e erything. +our e&cuses are not inspired. >lease read my angry trem!ling lips. >ack your !ags. +ou are FIR?:"