Godparents: two generations of friendship

Elizabeth Jane Howard and Tamasin Day-Lewis 05 Oct 2008

Mother-daughter relationships can be fraught, but who doesn't benefit from the wisdom of an older mentor, or a younger inspiration? The novelist Eli abeth !ane "oward and her goddaughter Tamasin #ay-$ewis celebrate cross-generational female friendship Tamasin #ay-$ewis Most rown-!"s try too hard or they don#t try at all$ That was my childhood e%"erience& anyway$ 'hen my brother& Dan& and ( were children there were the attention-see)in show-o**s on the one hand& who *ei ned interest in !s by tryin too hard to be *!nny and cool and ris+!,& and on the other the ones who didn#t e-en "retend to be interested in !s$ 'e didn#t ha-e inde"endent relationshi"s with the rown!"s as my children do now and& as was the c!stom o* the day& were m!t!ally !ninterested$ (t meant the idea o* rowin !" was more remote and *ri htenin than it is now *or my children& beca!se it was so otherworldly$ .rand"arents and relations aside& the rown-!" world was another co!ntry& and it wasn#t !ntil my teena e years that ( dared e-en ima ine that older "eo"le mi ht consider me a "erson in my own ri ht& someone with whom they mi ht ha-e an ad!lt con-ersation and whom ( mi ht et to )now& and be a yo!n er& "retend rown-!" to their real rown-!"$ One o* those "eo"le was my odmother Elizabeth Jane Howard$ /he had shown an interest m!ch earlier on& b!t it wasn#t !ntil ( was a teena er that we became close$ ( ha-e no idea how ( wo!ld ha-e entered the rown-!" world at all witho!t obser-in her and bein ta)en !nder her win $ 0lood ties are blood ties& b!t they are not eno! h& and are& by their -ery nat!re& "rohibitin & inhibitin & the ones whose ro"e yo! ha-e e-ent!ally to sli"$ 1ot !ntil ( became a mother did ( come to realise how im"ortant it is *or children to ha-e stron & close relationshi"s with "eo"le o!tside the *amily$ (* it ha""ens with a od"arent& yo! are all the l!c)ier$ My *ather was ill thro! h my teena e years and died months a*ter my 28th birthday$ The road-ma" had r!n o!t& was incom"lete$ Jane& her then h!sband& 3in sley 4mis& and her brother Mon)ey were the three "eo"le who ot me thro! h that aw*!l "eriod5 o!r *amily mo-ed in with them *or my *ather#s last *ew months& b!t& when ( loo) bac)& ( can see it all started

m!ch earlier on$ /he was always there in the bac) ro!nd$ Jane came into my world as a *airy odmother lon be*ore ( really ot to )now her$ (n those days ( called her Jane Dolly& ( "res!me beca!se she m!st ha-e i-en me a doll when ( was tiny& tho! h neither o* !s can remember$ On& ( thin)& my *o!rth birthday a bo% arri-ed scr!nchy with tiss!e "a"er and inside it was the most bea!ti*!l dress ( had e-er seen$ (t was "alest to"az- reen sil) ta**eta with hand-smoc)ed i-y lea-es across the bodice& "!**ed slee-es and a 6eter 6an collar$ 0oth my da! hters& Miranda and 7harissa& ha-e worn it since$ ( thin) ( *elt& e-en at s!ch an early a e& that ( sho!ldn#t be a disa""ointment to Jane& that she mi ht not li)e me i* ( were neither interestin nor bea!ti*!l$ That "erha"s she wo!ld only li)e me i* ( were both$ /he was bea!ti*!l in the e%treme$ /he still is$ E-en in her ei hties she can wal) into a room and always be the most bea!ti*!l woman in it$ ( ima ined it mi ht be "ossible to row !" to loo) li)e Jane i* ( wished to hard eno! h$ /he had a heart-sha"ed& hi h-chee)boned *ace with dee"-set yet "enetratin eyes that had a sort o* watch*!l& +!izzical insolence abo!t them& b!t which always seemed close to la! hter$ Her olden& endlessly lon & strai ht hair was "!lled bac) ti ht o** her *ace in a hi h "onytail or "lait$ /he didn#t seem to be a "artic!lar a e li)e other rown-!"s did& and certainly didn#t seem old li)e e-eryone else o-er 80$ That is a )nac) that so *ew rown-!"s "!ll o**$ ( remember her 9ewellery& too& which ( later learnt was real :oman 9ewellery - beaten old ban les and bracelets that clattered on her wrist& and earrin s that were ob9ects o* s!ch !n!s!al sha"e and bea!ty that ( -owed ( wo!ld wear similar one day$ ( really wanted to be her5 she was de*iantly lamoro!s and sel*-contained& and any sense o* inade+!acy& o* bein dee"ly !nder-con*ident& which ( only ot to )now abo!t m!ch later on& was mas)ed by her "hysical bea!ty and her "resence& her com"etence at all thin s domestic and creati-e& and the sense that she really was di**erent *rom most rown-!"s ;s!ccess*!l women no-elists weren#t e%actly thic) on the ro!nd<$ 'hen she#s not writin & e-en now& Jane is sewin & ma)in ta"estry r! s or c!shions& shell-bo%es& and in those days bea!ti*!l stitched "atchwor) beds"reads *or e-ery room in the ho!se$ /he showed me by e%am"le that women co!ld be both modern and old-*ashioned at the same time and there really wasn#t a contradiction$ (t#s so easy as an o!tsider& "artic!larly with the ine%"erience o* yo!th& to ima ine the li*e yo! see be*ore yo!& yet to )now nothin o* it *rom the inside$ (t was years be*ore ( learnt o* the di**ic!lties o* her three marria es& the downside o* bein bea!ti*!l& how most men wanted to con+!er her rather than lo-e her& and the im"o-erished li*e she led as a yo!n writer when she le*t her *irst h!sband& the nat!ralist 6eter /cott$ Jane a-e me wide& sil)--el-et ribbons to wear in my hair li)e hers& the colo!r o* o% blood& "ewter& sand and reen oli-es& which she rolled !" in a bea!ti*!l wooden bo% with com"artments *or secrets and 9ewellery& han)ies and trin)ets& and which still sits on my bedside table$ /he seemed

to )now int!iti-ely at what sta e somethin wo!ld be ma ical to a child who li-ed in her ima ination as ( did& how to de-elo" that ima ination and enter into it ;which was not my e%"erience o* most rown-!"s<& and how to create a sense o* tr!st witho!t e-er a""earin to 9!d e$ 4nd Jane was consistent - to be in with 9!st in her ins"ired "resent- i-in & b!t later with so m!ch else$ 4 year a*ter the ta**eta *roc)& Homer arri-ed$ ( was *i-e or si%& and my childhood was +!ite solitary and !ninterr!"ted by e-ents and e%citement$ Dan and ( li-ed on the n!rsery *loor& *o!r *loors !" *rom o!r *ather#s st!dy& with o!r nanny and a hectic reen and yellow b!d eri ar called :!"ert$ 'e drew& we wrote stories& we read boo)s and were read to& and we de-ised "lays$ 1ot many o!tsiders entered o!r small world$ #He is hal* .ree)& a +!arter /iamese and a +!arter 6addin ton&# ( seem to remember Jane sayin & when ( had ot o-er the initial thrill o* realisin that the soot-blac) "rimrose-eyed ball o* *!r in the bo% was all mine$ #( sm! led his mother& 3atsi)a& bac) *rom .reece !nder my 9!m"er$# E-en now ( don#t )now whether that was tr!e& and ( don#t really want to )now& either$ Homer became my *riend& my ally& the "erson ( told all my tro!bles and secrets to thro! ho!t my childhood$ Dan was i-en a tabby& called /im")in a*ter the Tailor o* .lo!cester#s ill!strio!s cat& b!t Homer was all mine$ Or so ( belie-ed& !ntil Jane wrote him a letter& which ( ha-e sittin in *ront o* me as ( write= Dear Homer& ( and e-erybody else in this ho!se is at a loss to )now what yo! can mean$ >o!r "oor dear mother was m!ch a ainst "aws!its and ( *eel s!re that with the am"le time yo! ha-e at yo!r command& yo! will thin) better o* it$ ( re ard 7la!de ?the hero-cat in Jane#s no-el #/omethin in Dis !ise#@ as both heroic and catly - and ( need say no more$ Howe-er - witho!t "re9!dice& entirely witho!t that - ( am sendin yo! and yo!r resident sta** a small "arcel o* smo)ed *ish *or 7hristmas that ( ho"e will *ind *a-o!r with yo! b!t not to the e%tent that yo! *ind yo!rsel* !nable to share it with them$ >o!rs *aith*!lly& Jane 6/ Do remember occasionally that i* it was not *or me yo! not only wo!ld not be where yo! are& b!t it is do!bt*!l whether yo! wo!ld e%ist at all$ /o the world o* the ima ination didn#t end with childhood$ That was an e%traordinary insi ht then& and so re-ealin o* Jane#s sense o* h!mo!r$ 'hen my *ather was dyin Jane be an to teach me how to coo)$ ( ha-e written abo!t this "eriod in my new boo)& 'here /hall 'e .o *or DinnerA

4 Bood :omance$ (t has ta)en me all this time to *eel ( co!ld$ ( said that Jane and ( *elt li)e *ellow cons"irators& a little distanced *rom the main "rota onists& and in i-in me a tas) - somethin creati-e& li*e- i-in & li*ea**irmin and delicio!s - to hel" with& rather than dolin o!t "ity& ad-ice and lect!res on how ( sho!ld beha-e& Jane ta! ht me how di**ic!lt b!t im"ortant it is to )now how to hel" while lea-in well alone$ /he was and is a brilliant listener - writers o*ten are - and it isn#t 9!st abo!t *indin somethin yo! mi ht be able to !se in another "erson#s stories& it#s abo!t ma)in sense o* someone else#s world$ There was a lon "a!se in o!r relationshi" when ( married& had three children and went to li-e the other side o* the co!ntry *rom Jane$ ( missed her& her in*l!ence& the ho!sehold (#d once been a "art o*$ 4 *ew years a o& a*ter Jane had esca"ed a h! e lo-e a**air that had t!rned into a terri*yin ordeal& and th!s into her masterwor)& the no-el Ballin & ( went bac) down to /!**ol) to stay$ My e%"erience to date had not come close to Jane#s& b!t 9!st tal)in to her abo!t it made me realise that a e and wisdom do not "recl!de one *rom the worst and most !nima ined brea)-!"s$ To *all in lo-e in yo!r se-enties and belie-e yo! ha-e met the man yo! will ha""ily s"end and end yo!r days with& only to lose it all a ain& can only be described as *ate at its cr!ellest$ ( stay with Jane re !larly now& and we holidayed in /"ain with her brother Mon)ey last year$ 1ow ( can loo) a*ter her a bit& coo) dinner "arties *or her and her wee)end !ests& and disc!ss wor) and lo-e and li*e and children not as tho! h she were someone o* my eneration& b!t as o"enly as i* she were$ 'e thin) the old may ha-e the )ey to all sorts o* thin s& yet what they really show !s is how to han on in there& )ee" wor)in & belie-e in what yo! do& )ee" ettin better at it& at lo-e& at *i htin li*e#s -icissit!des and winnin thro! h$ Eli abeth !ane "oward 'hen one is yo!n & most rown-!"s are bac) ro!nd$ They are "arents& rand"arents& !ncles and a!nts& teachers& n!rses and& beyond them& an amor"ho!s crowd& the rown-!"s# *riends$ They only be an to be "eo"le in their own ri ht *or me as ( rew older$ 'hen ( was between 20 and 2C& my two odmothers were the *irst to emer e - lar ely beca!se they too) tro!ble to )now me$ My 4!nt :!th once s"ent a whole day ta)in me o!t to choose a birthday "resent$ D!ite soon we were in the animal de"artment at /el*rid es& where& cro!chin in a small ca e& was a tabby cat with white "aws and waistcoat and a c!rio!sly twisted tail$ He cost ten shillin s - an enormo!s s!m to me$ ( wanted him "assionately& b!t& as ( secretly did not belie-e that my a!nt co!ld "ossibly "ossess so m!ch money& ( did not say so$ 'e le*t him and went on to sco!r toysho"s& boo)sho"s& all o-er the "lace *or ho!rs& b!t there was nothin that ( wanted$ Then& she said& #( thin) yo! really wanted that cat$ (* that is what yo! want& yo! shall ha-e it$# The 9oyE 'e too) him home in a carrier ba &

r!mblin & with his head stic)in o!t and his *rantic "aws ma)in holes in the "a"er$ ( lo-ed her *or that$ My other odmother too) me when ( was 2C to /trat*ord one s!mmer *or the /ha)es"eare season& and e-ery day we went to the theatre$ This was com"letely wonder*!l5 ( had read all the "lays by then& b!t hardly e-er seen one$ 4nd so when ( *irst became a odmother - to Tamasin - ( wanted to be a ood one$ The *irst time we were alone to ether she m!st ha-e been a *ew months old& and ( was terri*ied that ( wo!ld dro" her or brea) somethin & or that she wo!ld sim"ly cry beca!se she didn#t li)e me$ 0!t she was ood - alert& b!t ood$ /he )noc)ed bac) her bottle with !sto& and watched me )indly while ( str! led with her na""y$ ( wasn#t m!ch ood to her when she was a little irl$ They li-ed *ar *rom me& and my contact was con*ined !s!ally to a *ew min!tes be*ore her bedtime when ( went to dinner$ Bor some years at 7hristmas ( had what !sed to be called a "arty *roc) made *or her by the Ladies# 'or) /ociety bea!ti*!l smoc)in on t!ssore sil)$ 4ltho! h ( sadly ne-er saw her in any o* them ( )now that she lo-ed them$ 'hen she was abo!t se-en ( bro! ht her a lar e cardboard bo% to o"en on her birthday$ (n it was a small blac) )itten - the child o* one o* my own cats$ Her loo) o* astonishment and e%treme 9oy is with me still$ He was called Homer& d!e to his bein hal* .ree)& and& altho! h he was not m!ch li)ed by the rest o* the *amily& she adored him$ 0y then she was rowin *ast into a thin& ele ant& tense little creat!re& with a +!antity o* dar) hair and a aze both "enetratin and wary$ /he was cle-er and athletic& a cham"ion roller s)ater& b!t there was the *eelin that she wo!ld be a cham"ion at anythin she wanted to do$ ( re ret not ha-in had more to do with her in her teens& beca!se& altho! h ( ha-e ne-er been m!ch ood with yo!n children& ( do en9oy tal)in and listenin to them when they et older$ Loo)in bac)& ( )now the reason *or this$ 'hen ( was yo!n most rown-!"s treated one almost as tho! h one were a di**erent ;and in*erior< s"ecies& as)in idiotic +!estions li)e& #Do yo! en9oy schoolA Do yo! realise how m!ch yo!#-e rownA# with an o**ensi-e lac) o* interest in any answer$ 0!t there were two *riends o* my mother#s who were not li)e that$ Jean married late in li*e an elderly second co!sin o* o!rs$ /he was small& with a weathered *ace& short white hair and a body that co!ld only be described as s+!are$ ( !sed to stay with her in 'estmorland a*ter her marria e$ /he disc!ssed Jane 4!sten with me& too) me *ishin on 'indermere and also *or lon wal)s on the hillside where she li-ed - wonder*!l co!ntry "atched with bo and !r ent little streams$ /he treated me as tho! h ( were the same as she - not a child at all - and ( lo-ed her *or it$ The other *riend& 7hris 4m"thill& was the e"itome o* mystery and lamo!r$ /he had !nder one a dramatic and m!ch "!blicised di-orce ;rare in those days< and had won her case witho!t em"loyin "ro*essional assistance$ /he ran a dress sho" in 7!rzon /treet& was a renowned horsewoman ;master o* a h!nt in (reland when she was 80<& and e-erybody was in lo-e

with her$ /he had a *ascinatin drawl and was -ery *!nny& and she treated children and animals as tho! h they were mar inally more interestin than ad!lts$ 0oth o* these women made me *eel that it didn#t matter i* ( was "lain and cl!msy& and that the di**erence in o!r a es was o* no im"ortance$ ( thin) the ne%t time that ( had m!ch to do with Tamasin was when her *ather came to die in o!r ho!se in 0arnet$ /he was by then a bea!ti*!l irl - in a""earance as she had always been - slender& ele ant& a clo!d o* lon hair& whate-er she wore loo)in distin !ished beca!se she wore it$ /he had ne-er one thro! h a teena e ecli"se& had always been as lamoro!s and s"ar)y as a *irewor)$ ( do not )now whether she had )nown how ill her *ather was& b!t ( co!ld sense the shoc) when the lon & sad -i il ended& and ( remember that it was 3in sley who too) her o** to com*ort her$ Death encloses the "eo"le le*t behind$ 'e were a lar e ho!sehold ;20 o* !s<& and ordinary li*e had to contin!e$ ( was the coo) and Tamasin came into the )itchen to hel" me& ( thin) as m!ch as anythin to ha-e somethin to do$ /he was a +!ic) learner& an e%cellent so!s che*& b!t ( thin) what im"ressed me most was her determination and ener y5 she wo!ld s!cceed in whate-er she wanted to do and the more o* a challen e the better$ 'hen we mo-ed to London she came !" with the idea o* a ame-andames "arty and or anised the whole thin $ 0y then she was coo)in with an ass!rance and s"eed that le*t me *ar behind$ ( chie*ly remember a +!antity o* ro!se *lown rather too h!rriedly thro! h the o-en& b!t the "arty was a reat s!ccess$ /he married in /omerset - ra-ishin in a "ale t!r+!oise sil) dress - and ( remember with a**ection how l!stily she san the hymns in ch!rch& her -oice clearly distin !ishable abo-e the rest o* !s& as !nsel*conscio!s as a ha""y child$ (t is *ascinatin to )now someone thro! h their childhood to this ad!lt condition& to see what was en rained in them - li)e a "iece o* 0ri hton roc) - *rom the start& and what has been learnt& or im"osed or ada"ted$ /he had always been *erocio!sly determined& direct& warm and immediate in her *eelin s= i* she cried& she sobbed5 i* she tho! ht somethin *!nny& she shrie)ed with la! hter$ /he had none o* the sly& shy sel*-re ard o* the -ery yo!n $ ( thin) she learnt that to beat the challen es she set hersel* she had to *i ht& to be bossy and *ormidable& and to see thin s -ery m!ch in blac) or white$ /he was always someone *or whom there were *ew o* the rey areas where indecision and !ncertainty !s!ally "re-ail$ The other day she came to stay and in the co!rse o* coo)in amazin meals she s!ddenly cleared o!t my larder& which *or years had been e+!i""ed as *or a sie e ;a relict o* war<$ #( )now "eo"le who admire -inta e sardines&# ( wailed& b!t it was no !se$ ( was le*t with a *ew ancho-ies and tins o* tomatoes$

One o* the thin s ( do en9oy abo!t bein old is the n!mber o* *ar yo!n er *riends that ( ha-e$ (n the case o* those ( ha-e )nown since they were children& ( relish the rowin e+!ality between !s that no!rishes *riendshi"$ The a" between ener y and e%"erience lessens with time& and there are no short c!ts to the latter$ Each e%"erience has to be direct and "ersonal *or it to be any !se& and e-eryone learns not so m!ch at di**erent s"eeds as at di**erent times in their li-es$ (#m a slow learner& and am o*ten amazed at the ass!rance& the ri"& the sheer co!ra e with which so many *ar yo!n er "eo"le attac) their li-es$ Tamasin is one o* them$ /he has mastered her "ro*ession& bro! ht !" three children who ri htly lo-e her& and lost none o* her zest *or li*e$ ( cannot say ( am "ro!d o* her beca!se ( ha-e had no hand in any o* it& b!t ( do both res"ect and lo-e her and it is ood to be able to say that$