Aimee Pierce Section HB - McGough December 11, 2013 Revision Reflection I made a variety of revisions during the making

of my causal argument assignment The Social Network. Other than small grammatical errors and small changes like alphabetizing the works cited and adding in-text citations, I added two major paragraphs and also deleted other elements from earlier drafts. I started critiquing my work primarily to gear it more towards the audience we were given, which was seventh or eighth grade children in this case. I added references that they would understand like the caramel macchiato that was so delish, and referring to the mass amounts of Twitter followers that Justin Bieber has. I also added an attention grabber directed specifically at my audience by saying As young people, you understand how important it is to be connected. Two paragraphs were added that served as a counterargument for how social networking connects people. I showed that although it is true that social media connects people, it is not primarily used for this purpose. The example I used was how mass amounts of people would rather hear what Justin Bieber has to say (or their favorite pop star) rather than updates from a global health organization Partners In Health. The purpose of those paragraphs was to conclude that Instead of viewing social networks as a way to grow, users prefer to concern themselves with things that they directly connect with, like their favorite musician, actor, or comedian, which enhanced my argument and made it more diverse. The argument introduction was simplified as I deleted various fluff statements, as they were a restatement of other things and were not necessary. It enabled my introduction to be direct, and eliminated some distractions. I also deleted an entire paragraph about how users only follow or like things that directly affect them, which they can use in their own lives. I felt that it was somewhat of a reach for my argument, and was a distraction from my original point. Deleting it gave better flow to my paper and allowed my thesis to be seen throughout the argument. I kept my title The Social Network, as it was perfect for portraying how social media is all about us and not social at all. I also kept my conclusion, as it wraps up my somewhat ranting argument in a positive note. It remarks at how everything that has unfolded with social media is only natural and logical, while also referring to the thesis of the argument of how we are all narcissistic beings.