11/11/13 Oh no they didn't!

Hilarious horror stories at Mortified | SF Arts

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The cringe-tastic crew takes the stage at the DNA.
Photo by Jamie Zawinski
OI no LIey dIdn'L! HIIurIous Iorror sLorIes uL MorLIIIed
08.14.12 - 11:53 am | Emily Hunt (/category/author/emily-hunt) | (6)
Why is it that like myself most
when looking back on my years
as a college freshman, drunkenly
spooning peanut butter into my
mouth amid the squalor of my
dirty kitchen? Why is it that
appreciate a boyfriend most when
see his elementary school
photos and realize he used to
look like a well-fed lizard in
glasses?
'm going to wager that it isn't my
own affinity for the less-than-
socially acceptable and is actually
a testament to the fact that
humans often love that which is most, well, . And humanity has the tendency to
do some painfully embarrassing stuff.

This is the concept that drives Mortified (http://getmortified.com/) , a collection of short
readings and performances of the sometimes brilliant, sometimes artistic, sometimes
sad, and always humiliating personal musings its performers created as children and
teens. The brainchild of creators and producers Dave Nadelberg and Neil Katcher,
Mortified has a constantly changing cast, mainly consisting of adults who have,
fortunately, left most of their adolescent angst behind but still have plenty of stories
to tell about it.
The DNA Lounge (http://www.dnalounge.com) is surprisingly conducive to theater, with its
upper balcony offering unobscured views of the performers. On Aug. 10, the night's
first performance was by Orlando, Fla. native Jessica Wassil, reading from her teenage
diaries. There isn't much to do in Orlando, the edgy-looking brunette explained in her
introduction, and thus her 14-year-old self saw no other alternative to the cultural void
than to eat Butterfingers by the truckload and obsess over football players who didn't
know she existed.

Wassil's excerpts treaded not-so-lightly on the line between funny and cringe-inducing,
with her bellowing laments of insecurity and unrequited love making the audience
members guffaw, but also tempting them to crawl under their seats. Her powerhouse
opening excerpt, describing what indeed seemed to be the "worst Valentine's day ever
(eating Snickers for breakfast and then soiling herself at school) had tears of

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ambiguous varieties streaming from the audience's eyes.

But it's okay, because now she's totally cute. And kind of a hipster. And probably pretty
awesome, given her confidence to stand alone on a stage and read almost grotesque
confessions from her youth.

However, Heather Aronson's accounts of a being an underage metalhead were
anything but sad. Her diary entries read more like an epistolary novel addressed to the
guitarist of Def Leppard, to whom a young Aronson's commitment resembled a nun's
devotion to God. Kinda freaky. And such was the collective opinion of Aronson's
classmates in her first year at a new high school.

And yet, the admittedly girly but nonetheless badass actions of the head-banging teen
were wholly awesome. She backed boys into corners, scored concert tickets, got
drunk, made at least one friend, and as the piece's climax and finale went cussed
out the haughty girls at her school, kicked in her science classroom's door, and ends
her high school year of hell in appropriately metal fashion.

The "Worst Teen Poetry Slam, for which Mortified creator Dave Nadelberg traveled
from Los Angeles to San Francisco, offered some variety in the evening. The first
contestant was businesswoman Lisa Ratner, who read adolescent love poetry directed
toward one particular (and, it seemed, totally undeserving) young man.
magine any lovesick and slightly pathetic tween's poetry, then add in a strong
penchant for metaphors about kings, queens, stardust, and chariots, and you've got the
general aesthetic of Ratner's collection. Nadelberg was the night's second contestant,
and eventual winner, thanks to some awkwardly erotic poetry about "world music" just
bizarre enough to offer a refreshing reminder that teens aren't only pitiful ... they're also
weird as hell.
"What's in the bag, Mr. Pips? began Nadelberg's ode to bagpipes. He had me at that.

Lily Sloane's confessions of a boy-crazy, coffee-shop working, rock'n'roll loving, and
prematurely cynical teen girl were perhaps an unspoken dedication to all those 15-
year-old girls who know they're cool but, goddamn it, why doesn't anyone else realize
it? Covering her insecurities with swearwords yet always admitting to her own faults
and adorably neurotic self-awareness, Sloane shared oodles of unwittingly fantastic
one liners. ("That little fucker better call me ended one entry about the boyfriend for
whom she incessantly pined.)

Her piece, however, was best punctuated by the live performance of her fifth and sixth
grade musical stylings, with which she angrily serenaded her parents: " have to be
cute when we have guests/ don't want to wear my little pink dress.

San Francisco show producers Scott Lifton and Heather Van Atta programmed wisely
by choosing to end the night's series of confessionals with Ezra Horne. His diary of an
overweight, closeted Mormon boy read like a Daniel Pinkwater coming-of-age novel,
with daily accounts of the number of times he looked at porn (which he coded as "P) or
masturbated (creatively delineated by the letter "M).

He thought he was a fat, lazy, slob. He was jealous of his friends. He made secretly-
self hating speeches at church. He knew he would never get into the celestial kingdom.
And yet, by the end, there was some hope in Horne's brash yet somehow whimsical
musings. He ended his piece with an epilogue: his eventual coming-out was a well-
supported, smooth transition by his family and community. Currently happy and in love,
Horne said: " was always hoping God would fix me. But God can't fix me because 'm
not broken.

And that could be the moral for all the of night's performers: despite horror-story, silly-
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stupid childhoods, they'd all moved on nicely.

Mortified officially began in 2002, and this is by no means the first Mortified SF
installation. Speaking with audience members, it's evident that every show is different.
According to the unnamed gentleman on my right, this show "wasn't even as funny as
the last.

And that may prove my thesis: the concept behind Mortified is brilliant to the point
where 'm not quite sure where any Mortified show could go wrong, with its ability to
lovingly yet bluntly look at personal and painful topics.

The series returns to the DNA Lounge Sept. 14 (http://www.dnalounge.com/calendar/2012/09-
14a.html) ; the group will also make a special performance at the SF mprov Festival
Sat/18 (http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255501) .
Comments
Xorauguynacediv (/pixel_vision/2012/08/14/oh-no-they-didnt-hilarious-horror-stories-
mortified#comment-102013)
trensheaxosse xaikalitag (http://vikaswieier.com) Aneclisse http://usillumaror.com
(http://usillumaror.com) - iziananatt EmaivaJoittam http://gussannghor.com (http://gussannghor.com)
Beattaxamma
Xorauguynacediv (/pixel_vision/2012/08/14/oh-no-they-didnt-hilarious-horror-stories-
mortified#comment-102012)
trensheaxosse xaikalitag (http://vikaswieier.com) Aneclisse http://usillumaror.com
(http://usillumaror.com) - iziananatt EmaivaJoittam http://gussannghor.com (http://gussannghor.com)
Beattaxamma
NaveI-gaving (/pixel_vision/2012/08/14/oh-no-they-didnt-hilarious-horror-stories-mortified#comment-
68727)
SF is where "art" goes to die. t's no wonder that none of it translates to the wider world.
Too infantile, too self-reverential, too provincial. Just like SF itself!
Mortified (/pixel_vision/2012/08/14/oh-no-they-didnt-hilarious-horror-stories-mortified#comment-
68734)
is a national phenomenon that began in Los Angeles and has franchises in most
major cities. But hey, you're paid to comment negatively on every post so there you
go. Maybe you can share a Mortified story about how much you hate art!
Posted by Demaemiainmupnb (http://pspiledwlar.com) on May. 21, 2013 @ 2:58 pm
Posted by Demaemiainmupnb (http://pspiledwlar.com) on May. 21, 2013 @ 2:58 pm
Posted by ChromefieIds on Aug. 15, 2012 @ 9:15 am
11/11/13 Oh no they didn't! Hilarious horror stories at Mortified | SF Arts
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Yep, SF is where you go if your art is reaIIy bad because
(/pixel_vision/2012/08/14/oh-no-they-didnt-hilarious-horror-stories-mortified#comment-68732)
people will instead call it "experimental" or "edgy" or "alternative" or "counter-cultural"
or "non-elitest" or almost anything other than what it is - awful.
and now (/pixel_vision/2012/08/14/oh-no-they-didnt-hilarious-horror-stories-
mortified#comment-68735)
you're agreeing with yourself. Awesome!
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Posted by admin on Aug. 15, 2012 @ 9:39 am
Posted by IiIIipubIicans on Aug. 15, 2012 @ 9:31 am
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