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{815}{890}And we were born on September 15...
{892}{927}1989.
{929}{972}- And...|- And she's the older... Older twin.
{974}{1007}- I'm older by 10 minutes.|- She's... Ten minutes.
{1009}{1086}'Cause she had an umbilical cord|wrapped around her neck.
{1088}{1142}And she, like,|shoved me in there and wouldn't let me out.
{1144}{1180}I was, like, kicking her in,
{1182}{1226}shoving her more in my mom,
{1228}{1288}- so that's why she came out, like, later.|- Yeah.
{1290}{1331}- And...|- She came out the bigger twin, too.
{1333}{1410}Well, I came out a pound heavier than Kara,
{1412}{1462}so that's why I'm an inch taller now.
{1464}{1517}She's always been, like, a pound heavier.
{1519}{1548}No.
{1554}{1629}So, yeah, it's...|You know, I love being twins, man. It's...
{1631}{1685}It's basically|like you have a bag of spare parts.
{1687}{1711}- Yeah.|- You know what I mean?
{1713}{1748}It's, like, I need a kidney down the road,
{1750}{1798}I know he's got one, so I'm always like,
{1800}{1837}"Hey, stay healthy, dude. Eat right."
{1848}{1908}When we were kids,|we had our own secret language
{1910}{1972}that only me and my brother understood.
{2174}{2224}I guess, when we were kids,|we thought we were whales.
{2228}{2262}Like, when things are bad,
{2264}{2300}we don't really got to say anything|to each other.
{2302}{2366}We just make these sounds. It's like...
{2411}{2503}So, I just graduated from Harvard,|and I'm starting a new job
{2505}{2594}at a law firm in Southern California,|so I'm really happy about that
.
{2596}{2692}And I got a job at Hooters. I'm happy, too.
{2694}{2722}Hooters!
{2732}{2818}Being a twin is like being a married|couple, and you can't divorce h
er.
{2820}{2896}Even, like...|I mean, I love her when we're together
{2898}{2939}Well, actually, more so when we're distant.
{2943}{2981}She loves nature, like me.
{2983}{3062}She loves donating her time to charities.
{3064}{3117}And she loves eating healthy,|so that's awesome.
{3119}{3164}She's my best friend.
{3166}{3222}My best friend is my boyfriend.
{5007}{5061}Pepto-Bismol, take 43.
{5063}{5099}And action!
{5126}{5216}Please, why do I have|to have such diarrhea?
{5218}{5288}You need to drink the pink.
{5297}{5349}- Hold it. Cut! Cut! Jack!|- What is he doing?
{5351}{5381}Jack, are you watching this?
{5387}{5428}What do you mean, "Cut," man?
{5430}{5475}I... I got to be at Sesame|{y:i}Street by 1:00.
{5478}{5528}Hey, hey, hey, Reeg,|do you really have diarrhea?
{5530}{5555}'Cause you lost weight or something.
{5558}{5632}Why does the stomach|have all the good lines?
{5634}{5666}"Drink the pink." That's funny.
{5668}{5693}I'm sorry, Jack.
{5695}{5740}The Dunkin' Donut people|want to talk to us.
{5742}{5772}Okay, well, I got to...
{5774}{5801}Regis, it's going to be fine.
{5803}{5845}Yeah, and you'll take care of that, and...
{5847}{5892}Thank you very much.|I didn't need that, but cool.
{5894}{5930}I got some bad news.
{54286}{54312}It's Pacino!
{54314}{54355}Al Pacino, the movie actor?
{54357}{54407}Yes, yes, stay calm.
{54412}{54479}What do you think people are thinking here,|that I'm sitting with
my rabbi?
{54486}{54526}Hey, guys, big game tonight.
{54534}{54566}- Yeah.|- How you doing, Johnny?
{54568}{54593}- How are you?|- Huge fan.
{54595}{54651}- Good to see you. Thank you.|- And, Mr. Pacino,
{54653}{54717}I actually met you one time|at a movie premiere.
{54821}{54848}He's thirsty.
{54854}{54879}Okay.
{54881}{54972}It was Cats & {y:i}Dogs 3,|and we were sitting in the same row.
{54974}{55051}One of your kids knocked over your popcorn,|and I gave you mine.
{55054}{55110}And you called me "Popcorn"|the rest of the night.
{55117}{55147}- Popcorn.|- Yes.
{55149}{55193}Yeah, nice to see you again.
{55195}{55224}Hey, what's with the beard?
{55226}{55268}You look a little like Bin Laden.
{55281}{55332}- I was kind of thinking Castro, myself.|- Yeah.
{55334}{55417}No, no, it's like the cough drops guy,|the Smith Brothers.
{55431}{55468}Who is that? Is that your wife?
{55474}{55533}No, no, no, that's my sister Jill.|She's in from the Bronx.
{55541}{55599}- Hey, Al, do you think you'd ever...|- Dulcinea.
{55601}{55626}What's that?
{55628}{55654}You're from the Bronx?
{55658}{55712}Yeah, born and bred.|Throggs Neck, the nice part.
{55714}{55747}Al, I got a question for you,
{55749}{55803}- and I know it's a long shot.|- Well, I'm from the Bronx.
{55805}{55829}- Okay.|- Did you know that?
{55831}{55872}Yeah, to be honest,|I don't know much about you.
{55874}{55946}I haven't seen a lot of your movies,|but I hear you're very seriou
s.
{55953}{55991}- Well, you know...|- Okay.
{55993}{56060}Hey, is Ryan Seacrest here?|Have you seen him? Do you know him?
{56062}{56093}I'm sorry, who-crest?
{56099}{56141}Al, would you ever consider doing a...
{56143}{56212}Who is your friend? Was he in Duran Duran?|Were you in Duran Duran
?
{56227}{56285}Yes. Yes, I was.
{56287}{56330}So, tell me,|how long are you gonna be in L.A.?
{56333}{56386}- Oh, my God. Is that John Stamos?|- Who?
{56390}{56440}Pagogo, Pagogo,|let's go before he gets away!
{56442}{56475}I want to see him up close! Please!
{56483}{56546}So, Al, I'm gonna get a hold|of your agent, if that's cool.
{56548}{56583}{y:i}Time to play ball.
{56654}{56693}When's the marching band come out?
{56710}{56744}- That's not going to happen.|- No?
{56757}{56802}Here we go. Here we go.
{56846}{56887}{y:i}Kobe Bryant!
{57271}{57317}Compliments of Mr. Pacino.
{57319}{57353}What's this?
{57513}{57549}I can't believe this.
{57557}{57593}This is insane, man!
{57595}{57641}- You got to call him!|- Cool your buns.
{57643}{57714}You know I'm still hurting|from the whole Funbucket fiasco.
{57716}{57804}No, but Pacino liked you!|I swear to God, he really liked you!
{57806}{57840}Will you stop already?
{57842}{57909}You know all he wants to do|is play Twister with your sister.
{57917}{57961}Jill, will you just do this for me?
{68317}{68380}and you are going to take this stick|with two hands, right?
{68382}{68408}And you're going to hit it.
{68410}{68452}Do I have to play this weird game?
{68454}{68513}It's not weird. Jill, it's in you.
{68515}{68580}It's in your DNA. Just think Bronx.
{68582}{68610}Let it just float.
{68612}{68644}Okay, okay, Okay...
{68646}{68696}Can you do me a favor|and not hold me like this?
{68698}{68726}All right. I'm just trying to show you.
{68728}{68806}Okay, all you got to do is|make contact, that's all.
{68808}{68872}I feel like this is your game|and it's not my game.
{68874}{68936}If you want to play my game,|Hungry Hungry {y:i}Hippos, Sabaday.
{68938}{68985}- Do you have that here?|- That's coming.
{68997}{69045}Goobledy gibble globbity!
{69054}{69098}What language are you speaking?
{69105}{69131}Just throw it.
{69158}{69207}Okay. Come on, no batter here, pitcher!|No batter!
{69209}{69246}I just don't know why we're doing this.
{69261}{69290}Whoa!
{69314}{69377}Ch, my God! Oh, my God!
{69379}{69415}I am so sorry!
{69434}{69481}I'm sure you have others, though.
{69491}{69576}You'd think it, but oddly enough, I don't.
{69578}{69604}But I have you.
{69606}{69657}- You don't have me. I...|- I'd rather have you.
{69659}{69689}I'm sorry. I'm going to go.
{69691}{69759}I just... I had fun, but I'm so tired.
{69761}{69808}It's 8:30 in the morning, my time.
{69810}{69847}Do you know what time it is for me?
{69864}{69909}It is time for my salvation.
{69923}{70006}Because finally, I found the one woman,
{70024}{70078}with all her rough-hewn charm,
{70095}{70132}who will lead me back
{70181}{70214}to sanity.
{70285}{70311}You're sick.
{70313}{70338}You're a sweetie.
{70348}{70412}I saw what you were doing with the stick,|and it was gross.
{70414}{70450}- Thank you, Sabaday.|- Wait a minute,
{70452}{70488}where do you think you're going?
{70490}{70550}I'm not your wham-bam-eggs-and-ham type.
{70552}{70590}But you don't have a car.
{70700}{70754}Why are you ignoring me?
{70842}{70886}What happened to me?
{70908}{70933}What's this?
{70941}{70980}Help me!
{71006}{71036}Where were you?
{71051}{71078}What do you mean?
{71089}{71135}I was here, bird.
{71182}{71214}Felipe.
{71221}{71278}Miss Jill? What you doing out here?
{71280}{71344}I stayed out here|because I didn't want to go in the house.
{71346}{71392}And Erin tried to make me come back in|and I wouldn't.
{71401}{71466}He yelled at me 'cause|I rejected Al Pacino.
{71473}{71550}Well, if you need something to do,|I'm just fixing the timer
{71552}{71604}and heading off to a big family picnic.
{71612}{71664}We play soccer, eat,
{71666}{71714}steal white people's wallets...
{71718}{71745}What did you say?
{71748}{71790}I'm kidding! I'm kidding!
{71817}{71845}We don't eat.
{97850}{97889}I am back!
{97891}{97933}Seorita, I was gone too long?
{97942}{98022}No, not at all.|It's really good to see you again.
{98024}{98098}So, what is different about|you tonight? I don't know.
{98113}{98151}- Nothing.|- No, no, no, no.
{98153}{98199}There's something...|Did you drop some weight?
{98209}{98245}- Maybe that's it. Yeah, I'm looking thinner.|- Yeah,
{98247}{98281}- I think so.|- That's probably what you're seeing.
{98283}{98336}I think you're more feminine or something.
{98338}{98386}A little more... Less muscular.
{98402}{98460}I don't agree, but okay.
{98500}{98539}Gloobledy globble bibbly blop.
{98553}{98603}Blobbledobble... gibbledy blip.
{98605}{98657}Hibbledy globb, shoelace
{98741}{98804}This is the heavy, hard stuff|or how are we doing here?
{98806}{98834}What is this?
{98842}{98905}{y:i}One for the lady. Qu lindo!
{98907}{98936}That's enough for me.
{98938}{98963}Who's Poopsie?
{98965}{99005}I keep hearing, "Poopsie, Poopsie."
{99015}{99051}Poopsie is my bird.
{99091}{99122}I used to raise pigeons.
{99130}{99161}- Really?|- Yeah.
{99166}{99205}No, I'm sorry. That was Brando.
{99301}{99346}- Are you ticklish?|- No.
{99358}{99394}I said I'm not, so...
{99396}{99425}No, no, it's just that
{99430}{99506}Stella Adler, the great acting teacher,|once wrote in a book,
{99514}{99608}the only way you can|really get to know somebody is if you,
{99610}{99672}watch their behavior|when they're being tickled.
{99674}{99702}Would you do me the honor
{99705}{99753}and just lift up those girlie arms?
{99761}{99843}I just haven't shaved under there|in many, many years.
{99846}{99912}- You don't want to see that.|- We're in Europe. It doesn't matter
.
{99914}{99968}I think even here,|they might be, like, "What is that?"
{99970}{100043}No, no, not here. Give me a try.
{100046}{100074}Okay, so, here we go.
{100090}{100119}Oh, my God.
{100121}{100150}Look at us.
{100334}{100382}- All right! Stop it!|- What?
{100463}{100491}What was that?
{100504}{100571}Just... I don't really...|I didn't like that.
{100573}{100604}- I'm sorry.|- That was powerful.
{100606}{100658}And it just came out of you like, "Boom!"
{100753}{100799}You know, what? We're better with just...
{100801}{100847}VVhoa.VVhoa!
{100878}{100921}I don't even know where Jack is right now.
{100923}{100993}He's avoiding me. That's where he is.
{100998}{101026}Can I work in with you guys?
{101044}{101078}- Sure.|- Knock yourself out.
{101090}{101148}I think he hates 'cause I talk so much.
{101150}{101194}It bothers him, you know?
{101205}{101237}But when I'm in the Bronx,
{101239}{101296}I have no one else to talk to but Poopsie,
{101298}{101386}so when I'm around other humans,|I... I tend to blab a lot.
{101391}{101440}- No, you don't.|- I do, I do.
{101442}{101496}Will you throw a couple more 45s on?
{101498}{101541}Erin, he was being so nice to me,
{101543}{101587}and then I had to bring|up the Pacino thing,
{106039}{106066}Yes.
{106069}{106154}That's the Bronx girl coming back.
{106158}{106246}Now, you take back|what you said about Pagogo!
{106251}{106290}Go ahead, do it.
{106294}{106324}Defend the honor
{106326}{106413}of that self-deluded,|sycophantic, bitter hack.
{106546}{106592}- Are you okay?|- Get off of me.
{106601}{106629}- Okay.|- It's not okay.
{106634}{106664}I'm sorry.
{106666}{106692}I know... What could I do?
{106694}{106730}You know, you had that...
{106732}{106769}You had a broken bottle|and were coming at me.
{106771}{106800}Yeah, yeah, well, get away from me.
{106802}{106835}- All right.|- Just let me breathe for a second.
{106837}{106884}- I just...|- I need my own space.
{106891}{106921}- Back up.|- Okay, all right, I'm backing up.
{106923}{106954}- Back up!|- All right!
{106956}{106991}- Oh, geez. Hey...|- You don't hit a girl
{106993}{107030}with a chair on the first date!
{107041}{107153}It's amazing the way you stick up|for your brother. It's just...
{107155}{107228}Well, I got to do that.|Don't I at least owe him that?
{107230}{107300}'Cause all I ever do is take things|from him and ruin things and
...
{107302}{107334}Well, that's his point of view, you know.
{107336}{107405}I mean, that's the way|he makes you see yourself.
{107426}{107454}You want to know what I see?
{107461}{107489}Yes, I want to know what you see.
{107491}{107525}You can get any girl in the world,
{107527}{107553}and why would you want me?
{107555}{107589}Answer that. It makes no sense.
{107636}{107713}Well, I see an angel with a broken wing.
{107726}{107824}I see a brother who all he got all his life|was everything.
{107830}{107887}All the glory, all the accolades,
{107902}{107940}everything since they were two.
{107962}{108094}I... I see a girl who wants recognition
{108110}{108153}but just never gets it,
{108155}{108214}yet she has a heart so big,
{108243}{108277}she finds happiness
{108310}{108351}in seeing her brother receive it all.
{108390}{108463}Yeah, yeah, but come on,|aren't I a pain in the butt?
{108465}{108529}I mean, don't I annoy everybody?
{108542}{108588}You got so much love in you, Jill,
{108590}{108646}so much to give.
{108659}{108722}You just need someone to give it to.
{108815}{108882}{y:i}To dream
{108949}{109002}{y:i}The impossible dream
{109058}{109102}{y:i}To fight
{109123}{109206}{y:i}The unbeatable foe
{109221}{109364}{y:i}To bear with unbearable sorrow
{109373}{109403}Dulcinea.
{109411}{109454}Dulci-what-a?
{109456}{109541}You are Dulcinea|from the Broadway play they offered me
{109552}{109650}and I am the Man of La Mancha.
{109685}{109714}You got me there.
{109720}{109763}I'm taking the part!
{109765}{109797}What about my brother?
{109799}{109855}What do I do? What do I say?
{109858}{109888}Your brother.
{109890}{109948}I don't know|there's much you can do about him.
{109950}{109977}I mean, not that he doesn't love you.
{122946}{122974}Burn this.
{123005}{123034}I'm sorry?
{123065}{123163}This must never be seen by anyone.
{123172}{123235}If you didn't like all those close-ups,|we can...
{123237}{123291}This is not the final cut.|There's no doubt, we can...
{123293}{123326}All copies.
{123377}{123405}Destroy them.
{123407}{123445}- You want me to play it again?|- Has anybody seen this?
{123447}{123480}Nobody has seen this.
{123482}{123529}They have to be found and talked to.
{123531}{123591}All right, to be honest, I showed my wife.
{123593}{123662}- She couldn't believe...|- No good, no good.
{123684}{123735}So I used to be fatter,|and so what he would do...
{123737}{123779}Picture him way bigger, like...
{123781}{123836}So what would happen is|we'd get together on Thanksgiving.
{123838}{123873}He'd kind of gather the family around,
{123875}{123930}and so I would have to go,
{123943}{123999}"This is me before Ultra Slim Fast."
{124001}{124041}"And this is me now!"
{124043}{124099}And everybody would laugh at him|and he'd go cry in the other ro
om.
{124108}{124160}I'm Larry, this is my brother Dave.
{124162}{124238}We used to be triplets,|but he ate the other one.
{124261}{124295}Let me tell you, I don't|really like getting
{124297}{124332}into fights with him because I really...
{124334}{124402}I don't like closing my fist on him,|so when we get into fights,
{124404}{124440}we look like sissies|when we fight each other.
{124442}{124485}You know, 'cause I don't really like...
{124487}{124555}It's kind of that...|The schoolyard fight when you see two girls
.
{124745}{124776}She's my baby girl, she knows that.
{124778}{124816}We're like a husband-and-wife relationship.
{124818}{124856}- We fight and then we come together.|- That's sick, okay?
{124858}{124893}- I mean, not in a sick way.|- You shouldn't say that
{124895}{124934}- like that, that's sick.|- Not in a sick way.
{124946}{124985}I don't like my brother.
{124987}{125053}I have a deep, intense|dislike for my brother.
{125055}{125083}He's a bad guy.
{125090}{125119}I know what the problem is.
{125121}{125180}He didn't say anything about it, did he?
{125182}{125270}He don't like the mustache|'cause he can't grow one.
{125282}{125348}Well, usually, when we celebrate a|birthday, usually it's more t
han one cake.
{125350}{125373}- It's four cakes.|- It's usually four.
{125375}{125404}- Yeah.|- It's usually four cakes.
{125406}{125459}There's right hand,|left hand, right hand, left hand.
{125461}{125523}Or one for me and one for him|and two for his girlfriend.
{125525}{125550}Yeah, yeah.
{125554}{125579}She was actually living in L.A.
{125581}{125636}And I was in Kentucky|doing the race at that moment.
{125638}{125668}- I was tired.|- Yeah.
{125670}{125696}'Cause I did not train properly.
{125698}{125727}And I started feeling, like, these pains
{125729}{125772}or something like that,|and it was, like, weird, so...
{125774}{125808}- So, yeah.|- I mean, that's my part of,
{125810}{125854}like, ESPN or ESP.
{125856}{125883}- Whatever it's called.|- It's ESP.
{125885}{125933}- Okay, whatever.|- ESPN is the network for sports.
{126057}{126090}You figure it out.
{126097}{126136}Well, you know, I'm married, so...