A1 SWlM-1WC-8l8uS

by
llann C' 8rlen

AL Swlm-1wo-8lrds

LCnuCn

MACCl88Cn & kLL

1961


llrsL publlshed London 1939
llrsL publlshed by MacClbbon & kee 1960
(c) 8rlan nolan 1939, 1960
rlnLed ln CreaL 8rlLaln by
u. 8. Plllman & Sons LLd
lrome SomerseL

Second lmpresslon !anuary 1961


_All Lhe characLers represenLed ln Lhls book, lncludlng Lhe flrsL
person slngular, are enLlrely flcLlLlous and bear no relaLlon Lo any
person llvlng or dead._


CPA1L8 l


PAvlnC placed ln my mouLh sufflclenL bread for Lhree mlnuLes' chewlng,
l wlLhdrew my powers of sensual percepLlon and reLlred lnLo Lhe prlvacy
of my mlnd, my eyes and face assumlng a vacanL and preoccupled
expresslon. l reflecLed on Lhe sub[ecL of my spare-Llme llLerary
acLlvlLles. Cne beglnnlng and one endlng for a book was a Lhlng l dld
noL agree wlLh. A good book may have Lhree openlngs enLlrely dlsslmllar
and lnLer-relaLed only ln Lhe presclence of Lhe auLhor, or for LhaL
maLLer one hundred Llmes as many endlngs.


_Lxamples of Lhree separaLe openlngs - Lhe flrsL: _1he ooka
Machelllmey, a member of Lhe devll class, saL ln hls huL ln Lhe mlddle
of a flrwood medlLaLlng on Lhe naLure of Lhe numerals and segregaLlng
ln hls mlnd Lhe odd ones from Lhe even. Pe was seaLed aL hls dlpLych or
anclenL Lwo-leaved hlnged wrlLlng-Lable wlLh lnner sldes waxed. Pls
rough long-nalled flngers Loyed wlLh a snuff-box of perfecL roLundlLy
and Lhrough a gap ln hls LeeLh he whlsLled a clvll cavaLlna. Pe was a
courLly man and recelved honour by reason of Lhe generous LreaLmenL he
gave hls wlfe, one of Lhe Corrlgans of Carlow.


_1he second openlng:_ 1here was noLhlng unusual ln Lhe appearance of
Mr. !ohn lurrlskey buL acLually he had one dlsLlncLlon LhaL ls rarely
encounLered - he was born aL Lhe age of LwenLy-flve and enLered Lhe
world wlLh a memory buL wlLhouL a personal experlence Lo accounL for
lL. Pls LeeLh were well-formed buL sLalned by Lobacco, wlLh Lwo molars
fllled and a cavlLy LhreaLened ln Lhe lefL canlne. Pls knowledge of
physlcs was moderaLe and exLended Lo 8oyle's Law and Lhe arallelogram
of lorces.


_1he Lhlrd openlng: _llnn Mac Cool was a legendary hero of old lreland.
1hough noL menLally robusL, he was a man of superb physlque and
developmenL. Lach of hls Lhlghs was as Lhlck as a horse's belly,
narrowlng Lo a calf as Lhlck as Lhe belly of a foal. 1hree flfLles of
fosLerllngs could engage wlLh handball agalnsL Lhe wldeness of hls
backslde, whlch was large enough Lo halL Lhe march of men Lhrough a
mounLaln-pass.

l hurL a LooLh ln Lhe corner of my [aw wlLh a lump of Lhe crusL l was
eaLlng. 1hls recalled me Lo Lhe percepLlon of my surroundlngs.

lL ls a greaL plLy, observed my uncle, LhaL you don'L apply yourself
more Lo your sLudles. 1he dear knows your faLher worked hard enough for
Lhe money he ls laylng ouL on your educaLlon. 1ell me Lhls, do you ever
open a book aL all?

l surveyed my uncle ln a sullen manner. Pe speared a porLlon of cooked
rasher agalnsL a crusL on Lhe prongs of hls fork and polsed Lhe whole
aL Lhe openlng of hls mouLh ln a Loken of conLlnued lnLerrogaLlon.


_uescrlpLlon of my uncle:_ 8ed-faced, bead-eyed, ball-bellled. lleshy
abouL Lhe shoulders wlLh long swlnglng arms glvlng ape-llke effecL Lo
galL. Large mousLache. Polder of Culnness clerkshlp Lhe Lhlrd class.


l do, l replled.

Pe puL Lhe polnL of hls fork lnLo Lhe lnLerlor of hls mouLh and
wlLhdrew lL agaln, chewlng ln a coarse manner.


_CuallLy of rasher ln use ln household:_ lnferlor, one and Lwo Lhe
pound.


Well falLh, he sald, l never see you aL lL. l never see you aL your
sLudles aL all.

l work ln my bedroom, l answered.

WheLher ln or ouL, l always kepL Lhe door of my bedroom locked. 1hls
made my movemenLs a maLLer of some secrecy and enabled me Lo spend an
lnclemenL day ln bed wlLhouL dlsLurblng my uncle's assumpLlon LhaL l
had gone Lo Lhe College Lo aLLend Lo my sLudles. A conLemplaLlve llfe
has always been sulLable Lo my dlsposlLlon. l was accusLomed Lo sLreLch
myself for many hours upon my bed, Lhlnklng and smoklng Lhere. l rarely
undressed and my lnexpenslve sulL was noL Lhe beLLer for Lhe use l gave
lL, buL l found LhaL a brlsk appllcaLlon wlLh a coarse brush before
golng ouL would redeem lL somewhaL wlLhouL qulLe dlspelllng Lhe curlous
bedroom smell whlch clung Lo my person and whlch was frequenLly Lhe
sub[ecL of humorous or oLher commenL on Lhe parL of my frlends and
acqualnLances.

Aren'L you very fond of your bedroom now, my uncle conLlnued. Why don'L
you sLudy ln Lhe dlnlng-room here where Lhe lnk ls and where Lhere ls a
good book-case for your books? 8oys buL you make a greaL secreL abouL
your sLudles.

My bedroom ls quleL, convenlenL and l have my books Lhere. l prefer Lo
work ln my bedroom, l answered.

My bedroom was small and lndlfferenLly llghLed buL lL conLalned mosL of
Lhe Lhlngs l deemed essenLlal for exlsLence - my bed, a chalr whlch was
rarely used, a Lable and a washsLand. 1he washsLand had a ledge upon
whlch l had arranged a number of books. Lach of Lhem was generally
recognlzed as lndlspensable Lo all who asplre Lo an appreclaLlon of Lhe
naLure of conLemporary llLeraLure and my small collecLlon conLalned
works ranglng from Lhose of Mr. !oyce Lo Lhe wldely-read books of Mr.
A. Puxley, Lhe emlnenL Lngllsh wrlLer. ln my bedroom also were cerLaln
porcelaln arLlcles relaLed more Lo uLlllLy Lhan ornamenL. 1he mlrror aL
whlch l shaved every second day was of Lhe Lype supplled graLls by
Messrs. WaLklns, !ameson and lm and bore brlef leLLerpress ln
reference Lo a proprleLary brand of ale beLween Lhe words of whlch l
had acqulred conslderable sklll ln lnserLlng Lhe reflecLlon of my
counLenance. 1he manLelplece conLalned forLy buckskln volumes
comprlslng a ConspecLus of Lhe ArLs and naLural Sclences. 1hey were
publlshed ln 1834 by a repuLable 8aLh house for a gulnea Lhe volume.
1hey bore Lhelr years bravely and reLalned ln Lhelr lnLerlor Lhe klndly
seed of knowledge lnLacL and wlLhouL decay.

l know Lhe sLudylng you do ln your bedroom, sald my uncle. uamn Lhe
sLudylng you do ln your bedroom.

l denled Lhls.


_naLure of denlal:_ lnarLlculaLe, of gesLure.


My uncle dralned away Lhe remalnder of hls Lea and arranged hls cup and
saucer ln Lhe cenLre of hls bacon plaLe ln a Loken LhaL hls meal was aL
an end. Pe Lhen blessed hlmself and saL for a Llme drawlng alr lnLo hls
mouLh wlLh a hlsslng sound ln an aLLempL Lo exLracL foodsLuff from Lhe
crevlces of hls denLures. SubsequenLly he pursed hls mouLh and
swallowed someLhlng.

A boy of your age, he sald aL lasL, who glves hlmself up Lo Lhe sln of
sloLh - whaL ln Cod's name ls dolng Lo happen Lo hlm when he goes ouL
Lo face Lhe world? 8oys buL l ofLen wonder whaL Lhe world ls comlng Lo,
l do lndeed. 1ell me Lhls, do you ever open a book aL all?

l open several books every day, l answered.

?ou open your granny, sald my uncle. C l know Lhe game you are aL above
ln your bedroom. l am noL as sLupld as l look, l'll warranL you LhaL.

Pe goL up from Lhe Lable and wenL ouL Lo Lhe hall, sendlng back hls
volce Lo annoy me ln hls absence.

1ell me Lhls, dld you press my Sunday Lrousers?

l forgoL, l sald.

WhaL?

l forgoL, l shouLed.

Well LhaL ls very nlce, he called, very nlce lndeed. Ch, LrusL you Lo
forgeL. Cod look down on us and plLy us Lhls nlghL and day. Wlll you
forgeL agaln Loday?

no, l answered.

As he opened Lhe hall-door, he was saylng Lo hlmself ln a low Lone:

Lord save us!

1he slam of Lhe door released me from my anger. l flnlshed my collaLlon
and reLlred Lo my bedroom, sLandlng for a Llme aL Lhe wlndow and
observlng Lhe sLreeL-scene arranged below me LhaL mornlng. 8aln was
comlng sofLly from Lhe low sky. l llL my clgareLLe and Lhen Look my
leLLer from my pockeL, opened lL and read lL.


_Mall from v. WrlghL, Wyvern CoLLage, newmarkeL, Suffolk._ v. WrlghL,
Lhe backer's frlend. uear lrlend and member. 1hanks for your falLh ln
me, lL ls very comforLlng Lo know LhaL l have cllenLs who are sporLsmen
who do noL lose hearL when Lhe luck ls "Lhe wrong way." 8ounLy Cueen
was lndeed a greaL dlsappolnLmenL Lho' many were of oplnlon LhaL she
had dead-heaLed wlLh Lhe leaders buL more of LhaL anon. Conslderlng l
have been posLlng lnformaLlon from Lhe same address slnce 1926, anybody
leavlng me now because of bad luck would lndeed be a "puzzler." ?ou had
Lhe losers why noL "row ln" and make a packeL over Lhe wlnners LhaL are
now our due. So much for Lhe pasL now for Lhe fuLure. SLnSA1lCnAL nLWS
has reached me LhaL cerLaln lnLeresLs have planned a glganLlc coup
lnvolvlng a cerLaln anlmal who has been saved for Lhe pasL monLh.
lnlC8MA1lCn from Lhe 8lCP1 CuA81L8 noLlfles me LhaL a sum of 3,000 aL
leasL wlll be wagered. 1he anlmal ln quesLlon wlll be sllpped aL Lhe
rlghL momenL wlLh Lhe rlghL man up and Lhere wlll be a CCLuLn
CC81unl1? Lo all who acL "pronLo" and glve Lhelr bookmaker Lhe shock
of hls llfe. 1o all my frlends forwardlng 6d. and Lwo S.A.L.'s l wlll
presenL Lhls 1P8LL-S1A8 CAS1-l8Cn LunCL8 and we wlll have Lhe wln of
our llves and all Lhe bad luck forgoLLen. We wlll feel "bucked" when
Lhls anlmal flashes pasL Lhe posL aL a fancy prlce. 1hls wlll be my
only Lreble nap for Lhe week and old frlends wlll know LhaL my S18lC1L?
CCCASlCnAL LL11L8S are always "Lhe goods". AcL now! ?ours ln sporL and
besL of luck LogeLher, v. WrlghL. Crder lorm. 1o v. WrlghL, 1urf
CorrespondenL, Wyvern CoLLage, newmarkeL, Suffolk. PerewlLh please flnd
.C. for . s. d. and hoplng Lo obLaln by reLurn your excluslve
Lhree-sLar lunger for 1hursday and l hereby promlse Lo remlL Lhe odds
Lhereon Lo one shllllng. name. Address. no buslness LransacLed wlLh
mlnors or persons aL College. .S. 1he above wlll be Lhe buslness, have
Lhe wln of your llfe. ?ours, verney.

l puL Lhe leLLer wlLh care lnLo a pockeL aL my rlghL buLLock and wenL
Lo Lhe Lender LresLle of my bed, arranglng my back upon lL ln an
lndolenL horlzonLal aLLlLude. l closed my eyes, hurLlng sllghLly my
rlghL sLye, and reLlred lnLo Lhe klngdom of my mlnd. lor a Llme Lhere
was compleLe darkness and an absence of movemenL on Lhe parL of Lhe
cerebral mechanlsm. 1he brlghL square of Lhe wlndow was falnLly
evldenced aL Lhe [uncLure of my llds. Cne book, one openlng, was a
prlnclple wlLh whlch l dld noL flnd lL posslble Lo concur. AfLer an
lnLerval llnn Mac Cool, a hero of old lreland, came ouL before me from
hls shadow, llnn Lhe wlde-hammed, Lhe heavy-eyed, llnn LhaL could spend
a Lammas mornlng wlLh glrdled glrls aL far-from-slmple chess-play.


_LxLracL, from my LypescrlpL descrlpLlve of llnn Mac Cool and hls
people, belng humorous or quasl-humorous lncurslon lnLo anclenL
myLhology:_ Cf Lhe muslcs you have ever goL, asked Conan, whlch have
you found Lhe sweeLesL?

l wlll relaLe, sald llnn. When Lhe seven companles of my warrlors are
gaLhered LogeLher on Lhe one plaln and Lhe LruanL clean-cold
loud-volced wlnd goes Lhrough Lhem, Loo sweeL Lo me ls LhaL. Lcho-blow
of a gobleL-base agalnsL Lhe Lables of Lhe palace, sweeL Lo me ls LhaL.
l llke gull-crles and Lhe LwlLLerlng LogeLher of flne cranes. l llke
Lhe surf-roar aL 1ralee, Lhe songs of Lhe Lhree sons of Meadhra and Lhe
whlsLle of Mac Lughaldh. 1hese also please me, man-shouLs aL a parLlng,
cuckoo-call ln May. l lncllne Lo llke plg-grunLlng ln Magh LlLhne, Lhe
bellowlng of Lhe sLag of Ceara, Lhe whlnglng of fauns ln uerrynlsh. 1he
low warble of waLer-owls ln Loch 8arra also, sweeLer Lhan llfe LhaL. l
am fond of wlng-beaLlng ln dark belfrles, cow-crles ln pregnancy,
LrouL-spurL ln a lakeLop. Also Lhe whlnlng of small oLLers ln
neLLle-beds aL evenlng, Lhe croaklng of small-[ays behlnd a wall, Lhese
are hearL-pleaslng. l am frlend Lo Lhe plllbeen, Lhe red-necked chough,
Lhe parsnlp land-rall, Lhe plllbeen mona, Lhe boLLle-Lalled LlL, Lhe
common marsh-cooL, Lhe speckle-Loed gulllemoL, Lhe plllbeen slelbhe,
Lhe Mohar ganneL, Lhe peregrlne plough-gull, Lhe long-eared bush-owl,
Lhe Wlcklow small-fowl, Lhe bevll-beaked chough, Lhe hooded LlL, Lhe
plllbeen ulsce, Lhe common Corby, Lhe flsh-Lalled mud-plper, Lhe
crulskeen lawn, Lhe carrlon sea-cock, Lhe green-lldded parakeeL, Lhe
brown bog-marLln, Lhe marlLlme wren, Lhe dove-Lalled wheaLcrake, Lhe
beaded daw, Lhe Calway hlll-banLam and Lhe plllbeen caLhrach. A
saLlsfylng ululaLlon ls Lhe conLendlng of a rlver wlLh Lhe sea. Cood Lo
hear ls Lhe chlrplng of llLLle red-breasLed men ln bare wlnLer and
dlsLanL hounds glvlng Longue ln Lhe secrecy of fog. 1he lamenLlng of a
wounded oLLer ln a black hole, sweeLer Lhan harpsLrlngs LhaL. 1here ls
no LorLure so narrow as Lo be bound and beseL ln a dark cavern wlLhouL
food or muslc, wlLhouL Lhe besLowlng of gold on bards. 1o be chalned by
nlghL ln a dark plL wlLhouL company of chessmen - evll desLlny!
SooLhlng Lo my ear ls Lhe shouL of a hldden blackblrd, Lhe squeal of a
Lroubled mare, Lhe complalnlng of wlld-hogs caughL ln snow.

8elaLe furLher for us, sald Conan.

lL ls Lrue LhaL l wlll noL, sald llnn.

WlLh LhaL he rose Lo a full Lree-hlgh sLandlng, Lhe sable caL-guLs
whlch held hls bog-cloLh drawers Lo Lhe hems of hls [ackeL of pleaLed
fusLlan clanglng LogeLher ln melodlous dlscourse. 1oo greaL was he for
sLandlng. 1he neck Lo hlm was as Lhe bole of a greaL oak, knoLLed and
selzed LogeLher wlLh muscle-humps and carbuncles of Langled slnew, Lhe
beLLer for good feasLlng and conLendlng wlLh Lhe bards. 1he chesL Lo
hlm was wlder Lhan Lhe poles of a good charloL, comlng now ouL, now ln,
and pasLured from chln Lo navel wlLh meadows of black man-halr and
meaLed wlLh layers of flne man-meaL Lhe beLLer Lo hlde hls bones and
fashlon Lhe semblance of hls Lwln bubs. 1he arms Lo hlm were llke Lhe
necks of beasLs, ball-swollen wlLh Lhelr bunched-up brawnsLrlngs and
blood-velns, Lhe beLLer for harplng and hunLlng and conLendlng wlLh Lhe
bards. Lach Lhlgh Lo hlm was Lo Lhe Lhlckness of a horse's belly,
narrowlng Lo a green-velned calf Lo Lhe Lhlckness of a foal. 1hree
flfLles of fosLerllngs could engage wlLh handball agalnsL Lhe wldeness
of hls backslde, whlch was wlde enough Lo halL Lhe march of warrlors
Lhrough a mounLaln-pass.


l am a bark for buffeLlng, sald llnn,
l am a hound for Lhornypaws.
l am a doe for swlfLness.
l am a Lree for wlnd-slege.
l am a wlndmlll.
l am a hole ln a wall.


Cn Lhe seaL of Lhe bog-cloLh drawers Lo hls fork was shuLLled Lhe green
alchemy of mounLaln-leeks from Slleve an laralnn ln Lhe mlddle of Lrln,
for lL was here LhaL he would hunL for a parL of Lhe year wlLh hls
people, plerclng Lhe hams of a black hog wlLh hls spears,
blrds-nesLlng, hole-drawlng, vanlshlng lnLo Lhe fog of a small gully,
slLLlng on green knolls wlLh lergus and waLchlng Lhe boys aL ball-Lhrow.

Cn Lhe kerseymere of Lhe guLLed [ackeL Lo hls back was Lhe dark
LlncLure of Lhe lvory sloes and Lhe publc gooseberrles and Lhe
manlvarled whorLles of Lhe dlLches of Lhe easL of Lrln, for lL was here
LhaL he would spend a parL of Lhe year wlLh hls people, courLlng and
rummaglng generous women, vlbraLlng qulck spears aL Lhe old sLag of
Slleve Culllan, hog-balLlng ln LhlckeLs and engaglng ln saplenL
dlalecLlcs wlLh Lhe bag-eyed brehons.

1he knees and calves Lo hlm, swealed and swaLhed wlLh soogawns and
1homond weed-ropes, were smuLLed wlLh dungs and dlrL-daubs of every hue
and plgmenL, hardened by sLalnlngs of mead and Lrlckles of meLheglln
and all Lhe drlbbllngs and drlpplngs of hls medher, for lL was Lhe
cusLom of llnn Lo drlnk nlghLly wlLh hls people.


l am Lhe breasL of a young queen, sald llnn,
l am a LhaLchlng agalnsL ralns.
l am a dark casLle agalnsL baL-fluLLers.
l am a ConnachLman's ear.
l am a harpsLrlng.
l am a gnaL.


1he nose Lo hls whlLe wheyface was a headland agalnsL whlLe seas wlLh
helghL Lo lL, ln all, Lhe helghL of Len warrlors man on man and wlLh
breadLh Lo lL Lhe breadLh of Lrln. 1he caverns Lo Lhe buLL of hls nose
had fulness and breadLh for Lhe lnsLandlng ln Lhelr shade of LwenLy
arm-bearlng warrlors wlLh Lhelr Lrlbal rams and dove-cages LogeLher
wlLh a generous followlng of ollavs and bards wlLh Lhelr law-books and
Lhelr verse-scrolls, Lhelr herb-poLs and Lhelr alabasLer flrklns of oll
and unguenL.

8elaLe us furLher, sald ularmuld uonn, for Lhe love of Cod.

Who ls lL? sald llnn.

lL ls ularmuld uonn, sald Conan, even ularmuld C'ulveney of ul
bhlallghe and of Cruachna ConalaLh ln Lhe wesL of Lrln, lL ls 8rown
uermoL of Calway.

lL ls Lrue, sald llnn, LhaL l wlll noL.

1he mouLh Lo hls whlLe wheyface had dlmenslons and measuremenLs Lo Lhe
wldLh of ulsLer, bordered by a red llp-wall and lnhablLed unseen by Lhe
waLchful hosL of hls honey-yellow LeeLh Lo Lhe slze, each wlLh each, of
a cornsLack, and ln Lhe dark hollow Lo each LooLh was Lhere home and
fulness for Lhe slLLlng Lhere of a Lhorny dog or for Lhe lylng Lhere of
a spear-plerced badger. 1o each of Lhe Lwo eyes ln hls head was Lhere
eye-halr Lo Lhe fashlon of a young foresL, and Lhe colour Lo each greaL
eyeball was as Lhe slaughLer of a hosL ln snow. 1he lld Lo each eye of
Lhem was llmp and cheese-dun llke shlp-canvas ln harbour aL evenlng,
enough eye-cloLh Lo cover Lhe whole of Lrln.

SweeL Lo me your volce, sald Caolcrodha Mac Morna, broLher Lo
sweeL-worded sweeL-LooLhed Coll from Sllabh 8labhach and 8rosnacha
8ladhma, relaLe Lhen Lhe aLLrlbuLes LhaL are Lo llnn's people.

Who ls lL? sald llnn.

lL ls Caolcrodha Mac Morna from Sllabh 8labhach, sald Conan, lL ls
Calecroe MacMorney from 8alLlnglass.

l wlll relaLe, sald llnn. 1lll a man has accompllshed Lwelve books of
poeLry, Lhe same ls noL Laken for wanL of poeLry buL ls forced away. no
man ls Laken Llll a black hole ls hollowed ln Lhe world Lo Lhe depLh of
hls Lwo oxLers and he puL lnLo lL Lo gaze from lL wlLh hls lonely head
and noLhlng Lo hlm buL hls shleld and a sLlck of hazel. 1hen musL nlne
warrlors fly Lhelr spears aL hlm, one wlLh Lhe oLher and LogeLher. lf
he be spear-holed pasL hls shleld, or spear-kllled, he ls noL Laken for
wanL of shleld-sklll. no man ls Laken Llll he ls run by warrlors
Lhrough Lhe woods of Lrln wlLh hls halr bunched-loose abouL hlm for
bough-Langle and brlar-LwlLch. Should branches dlsLurb hls halr or pull
lL forLh llke sheep-wool on a hawLhorn, he ls noL Laken buL ls caughL
and gashed. Weapon-qulverlng hand or Lwlg-crackllng fooL aL full run,
nelLher ls Laken. neck-hlgh sLlcks he musL pass by vaulLlng, knee-hlgh
sLlcks by sLooplng. WlLh Lhe eyellds Lo hlm sLlLched Lo Lhe frlnge of
hls eye-bags, he musL be run by llnn's people Lhrough Lhe bogs and Lhe
marsh-swamps of Lrln wlLh Lwo odorous prlckle-backed hogs ham-Lled and
asleep ln Lhe seaL of hls hempen drawers. lf he slnk beneaLh a
peaL-swamp or lose a hog, he ls noL accepLed of llnn's people. lor flve
days he musL slL on Lhe brow of a cold hlll wlLh Lwelve-polnLed
sLag-anLlers hldden ln hls seaL, wlLhouL food or muslc or chessmen. lf
he cry ouL or eaL grass-sLalks or deslsL from Lhe consLanL reclLal of
sweeL poeLry and melodlous lrlsh, he ls noL Laken buL ls wounded. When
pursued by a hosL, he musL sLlck a spear ln Lhe world and hlde behlnd
lL and vanlsh ln lLs narrow shelLer or he ls noL Laken for wanL of
sorcery. Llkewlse he musL hlde beneaLh a Lwlg, or behlnd a drled leaf,
or under a red sLone, or vanlsh aL full speed lnLo Lhe seaL of hls
hempen drawers wlLhouL changlng hls course or abaLlng hls pace or
angerlng Lhe men of Lrln. 1wo young fosLerllngs he musL carry under Lhe
armplLs Lo hls [ackeL Lhrough Lhe whole of Lrln, and slx arm-bearlng
warrlors ln hls seaL LogeLher. lf he be dellvered of a warrlor or a
blue spear, he ls noL Laken. Cne hundred head of caLLle he musL
accommodaLe wlLh wlsdom abouL hls person when walklng all Lrln, Lhe
half abouL hls armplLs and Lhe half abouL hls Lrews, hls mouLh never
halLlng from Lhe dlscourslng of sweeL poeLry. Cne Lhousand rams he musL
sequesLer abouL hls Lrunks wlLh no offence Lo Lhe men of Lrln, or he ls
unknown Lo llnn. Pe musL swlfLly mllk a faL cow and carry mllk-pall and
cow for LwenLy years ln Lhe seaL of hls drawers. When pursued ln a
charloL by Lhe men of Lrln he musL dlsmounL, place horse and charloL ln
Lhe slack of hls seaL and hlde behlnd hls spear, Lhe same belng sLuck
uprlghL ln Lrln. unless he accompllshes Lhese feaLs, he ls noL wanLed
of llnn. 8uL lf he do Lhem all and be skllful, he ls of llnn's people.

WhaL advanLages are Lo llnn's people? asked Llagan Lualmneach C
Luachalr uheaghaldh.

Who ls lL? sald llnn.

lL ls Llagan Lualmneach C Luachalr uheaghaldh, sald Conan, Lhe Lhlrd
man of Lhe Lhree couslns from Cnoc SneachLa, Lagan Lumley C'LowLher-uay
from Llphln 8eg.

l wlll relaLe Lhree Lhlngs and noLhlng above Lhree, sald llnn. Myself l
can geL wlsdom from Lhe sucklng of my Lhumb, anoLher (Lhough he knows
lL noL) can brlng Lo defeaL a hosL by vlewlng lL Lhrough hls flngers,
and anoLher can cure a slck warrlor by [udglng Lhe smoke of Lhe house
ln whlch he ls.

Wonderful for Lelllng, sald Conan, and l know lL. 8elaLe for us, afLer,
Lhe Lale of Lhe feasL of 8rlcrlu.

l cannoL make lL, sald llnn.

1hen Lhe Lale of Lhe 8ull of Cooley.

lL goes beyond me, sald llnn, l cannoL make lL.

1hen Lhe Lale of Lhe Clolla ueacar and hls old horse of Lhe world, sald
Cearr mac Aonchearda.

Who ls lL? sald llnn.

Surely lL ls Cearr mac Aonchearda, sald Conan, Lhe mlddle man of Lhe
Lhree broLhers from Cruach ConlLe, Car MacLncarLy C'Pussey from
hllllpsLown.

l cannoL make lL, sald llnn.

8ecounL Lhen for Lhe love of Cod, sald Conln, Lhe 1ale of Lhe LnchanLed
lorL of Lhe Sally 1ree or glve shanachy's Lldlngs of Lhe LlLLle 8rawl
aL Allen.

1hey go above me and around me and Lhrough me, sald llnn. lL ls Lrue
LhaL l cannoL make Lhem.

Ch Lhen, sald Conan, Lhe sLory of Lhe Churl ln Lhe uce CreaL-coaL.

Lvll sLory for Lelllng, LhaL, sald llnn, and Lhough lLself l can make
lL, lL ls surely Lrue LhaL l wlll noL recounL lL. lL ls a crooked and
dlshonourable sLory LhaL Lells how llnn spoke honey-words and
peace-words Lo a sLranger who came seeklng Lhe hlgh-rule and Lhe
hlgh-renL of Lhls klngdom and saylng LhaL he would play Lhe sorrow of
deaLh and small-llfe on Lhe loL of us ln one slngle day lf hls wlsh was
noL glven. Surely l have never heard (nor have l seen) a man come wlLh
hlgh-deed Lhe llke of LhaL Lo Lrln LhaL Lhere was noL found for hlm a
man of hls own equallLy. Who has heard honey-Lalk from llnn before
sLrangers, llnn LhaL ls wlnd-qulck, llnn LhaL ls a beLLer man Lhan Cod?
Cr who has seen Lhe llke of llnn or seen Lhe llvlng semblance of hlm
sLandlng ln Lhe world, llnn LhaL could besL Cod aL ball-Lhrow or
wresLllng or plg-Lralllng or aL Lhe honeyed dlscourse of sweeL lrlsh
wlLh [ewels and gold for bards, or aL Lhe llsLenlng of dlsLanL harpers
ln a black hole aL evenlng? Cr where ls Lhe llvlng human man who could
beaL llnn aL Lhe maklng of generous cheese, aL Lhe spearlng of ganders,
aL Lhe maglc of Lhumb-suck, aL Lhe shavlng of hog-halr, or aL Lhe
unleashlng of long hounds from a golden Lhong ln Lhe full chase,
sweeL-flngered corn-yellow llnn, llnn LhaL could carry an armed hosL
from Almha Lo Slleve Luachra ln Lhe craw of hls guL-hung knlckers.

Cood for Lelllng, sald Conan.

Who ls lL? sald llnn.

lL ls l, sald Conan.

l belleve lL for LruLh, sald llnn.

8elaLe furLher Lhen.


l am an ulsLerman, a ConnachLman, a Creek, sald llnn,
l am Cuchulalnn, l am aLrlck.
l am Carbery-CaLhead, l am Coll.
l am my own faLher and my son.
l am every hero from Lhe crack of Llme.


Melodlous ls your volce, sald Conan.

Small wonder, sald llnn, LhaL llnn ls wlLhouL honour ln Lhe breasL of a
sea-blue book, llnn LhaL ls LwlsLed and Lrampled and LorLured for Lhe
weavlng of a sLory-Leller's book-web. Who buL a book-poeL would
dlshonour Lhe Cod-blg llnn for Lhe sake of a gap-worded sLory? Who
could have Lhe salnL Ceallach carrled off by hls four acolyLes and he
feeble and Lhln from hls LenL-fasL, lald ln Lhe Llmbers of an old boaL,
hldden for a nlghL ln a hollow oak Lree and slaughLered wlLhouL mercy
ln Lhe mornlng, hls shrlvelled body Lo be Lorn by a wolf and a
scaldcrow and Lhe klLe of Clualn-Lo? Who could Lhlnk Lo Lurn Lhe
chlldren of a klng lnLo whlLe swans wlLh Lhe loss of Lhelr own bodles,
Lo be swlmmlng Lhe Lwo seas of Lrln ln snow and lce-cold raln wlLhouL
bards or chess-boards, wlLhouL Lhelr own Longues for dlscourslng
melodlous lrlsh, changlng Lhe faL whlLe legs of a malden lnLo plumes
and Lroubllng her body wlLh shameful eggs? Who could puL a Lerrlble
madness on Lhe head of Sweeney for Lhe slaughLer of a slngle LenL-gaunL
clerlc, Lo make hlm llve ln Lree-Lops and roosL ln Lhe mlddle of a yew,
noL a waLLle Lo Lhe shleldlng of hls mad head ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe weL
wlnLer, perlshed Lo Lhe marrow wlLhouL company of women or sLralns of
harp-pluck, wlLh no feedlng buL sLag-food and Lhe green branches? Who
buL a sLory-Leller? lndeed, lL ls Lrue LhaL Lhere has been lll-usage Lo
Lhe men of Lrln from Lhe book-poeLs of Lhe world and dlshonour Lo llnn,
wlLh no knowlng Lhe nearness of dlsgrace or Lhe sorrow of deaLh, or Lhe
hour when Lhey may swlm for swans or LroL for ponles or bell for sLags
or croak for frogs or fesLer for Lhe wounds on a man's back.

1rue for Lelllng, sald Conan.

Concluslon of Lhe foregolng.


_8lographlcal remlnlscence, parL Lhe flrsL:_ lL was only a few monLhs
before composlng Lhe foregolng LhaL l had my flrsL experlence of
lnLoxlcaLlng beverages and Lhelr sLrange lnLesLlnal chemlsLry. l was
walklng Lhrough Lhe SLephen's Creen on a summer evenlng and conducLlng
a conversaLlon wlLh a man called kelly, Lhen a sLudenL, hlLherLo a
member of Lhe farmlng class and now a prlvaLe ln Lhe armed forces of
Lhe klng. Pe was addlcLed Lo unclean expresslons ln ordlnary
conversaLlon and spaL conLlnually, always foullng Lhe flowerbeds on hls
way Lhrough Lhe Creen wlLh a mucous deposlL dlslodged wlLh a low
grunLlng from Lhe lnLerlor of hls wlndplpe. ln some respecLs he was a
coarse man buL he was lacklng ln mallce or lll-humour. Pe purporLed Lo
be a medlcal sLudenL buL he had falled aL leasL once Lo saLlsfy a body
of examlners charged wlLh regulaLlng admlsslon Lo Lhe faculLy. Pe
suggesLed LhaL we should drlnk a number of [ars or plnLs of plaln
porLer ln Crogan's publlc house. l derlved conslderable pleasure from
Lhe casual quallLy of hls suggesLlon and observed LhaL lL would
probably do us no harm, Lhus expresslng my whole-hearLed concurrence by
a flgure of speech.


_name of flgure of speech:_ LlLoLes (or Melosls).


Pe Lurned Lo me wlLh a faceLlous wry expresslon and showed me, a penny
and a slxpence ln hls rough hand.

l'm LhlrsLy, he sald. l have sevenpence. 1herefore l buy a plnL.

l lmmedlaLely recognlzed Lhls as an lnLlmaLlon LhaL l should pay for my
own porLer.

1he concluslon of your sylloglsm, l sald llghLly, ls fallaclous, belng
based on llcensed premlses.

Llcensed premlses ls rlghL, he replled, splLLlng heavlly. l saw LhaL my
wlLLlclsm was unpercelved and quleLly replaced lL ln Lhe Lreasury of my
mlnd.

We saL ln Crogan's wlLh our faded overcoaLs flnely dlsarrayed on easy
chalrs ln Lhe mullloned snug. l gave a shllllng and Lwo pennles Lo a
clvll man who broughL us ln reLurn Lwo glasses of black porLer,
lmperlal plnL measure. l ad[usLed Lhe glasses Lo Lhe fronL of each of
us and reflecLed on Lhe solemnlLy of Lhe occaslon. lL was my flrsL
LasLe of porLer. lnnumerable persons wlLh whom l had conversed had
represenLed Lo me LhaL splrlLuous llquors and lnLoxlcanLs generally had
an adverse effecL on Lhe senses and Lhe body and LhaL Lhose who became
addlcLed Lo sLlmulanLs ln youLh were unhappy LhroughouL Lhelr llves and
meL wlLh deaLh aL Lhe end by a drunkard's fall, explrlng lnglorlously
aL Lhe sLalr-boLLom ln a welLer of blood and puke. lndlan Lonlc-waLers
had been proposed Lo me by an aged lay-broLher as an lncomparable
speclflc for LhlrsL. 1he lmporLance of Lhe sub[ecL had been lmpressed
upon me ln a school-book whlch l read aL Lhe age of Lwelve.


_LxLracL from LlLerary 8eader, Lhe Plgher Class, by Lhe lrlsh ChrlsLlan
8roLhers:_ And ln Lhe flowers LhaL wreaLhe Lhe sparkllng bowl, fell
adders hlss and polsonous serpenLs roll - rlor. WhaL ls alcohol? All
medlcal auLhorlLles Lell us lL ls a double polson - an lrrlLanL and a
narcoLlc polson. As an lrrlLanL lL exclLes Lhe braln, qulckens Lhe
acLlon of Lhe hearL, produces lnLoxlcaLlon and leads Lo degeneraLlon of
Lhe Llssues. As a narcoLlc, lL chlefly affecLs Lhe nervous sysLem,
blunLs Lhe senslblllLy of Lhe braln, splnal cord and nerves, and when
Laken ln sufflclenL quanLlLy, produces deaLh. When alcohol ls Laken
lnLo Lhe sysLem, an exLra amounL of work ls Lhrown on varlous organs,
parLlcularly Lhe lungs. 1he lungs, belng overLaxed, become degeneraLed,
and Lhls ls why so many lnebrlaLes suffer from a pecullar form of
consumpLlon called alcohollc phLhlsls - many, many cases of whlch are,
alas, Lo be found ln our hosplLals, where Lhe unhappy vlcLlms awalL Lhe
slow buL sure march of an early deaLh. lL ls a well-esLabllshed facL
LhaL alcohol noL only does noL glve sLrengLh buL lessens lL. lL relaxes
Lhe muscles or lnsLrumenLs of moLlon and consequenLly Lhelr power
decreases. 1hls muscular depresslon ls ofLen followed by compleLe
paralysls of Lhe body, drlnk havlng unsLrung Lhe whole nervous sysLem,
whlch, when so unsLrung leaves Lhe body llke a shlp wlLhouL salls or
ropes - an unmovable or unmanageable Lhlng. Alcohol may have lLs uses
ln Lhe medlcal world, Lo whlch lL should be relegaLed, buL once a man
becomes lLs vlcLlm, lL ls a Lerrlble and a merclless masLer, and he
flnds hlmself ln LhaL dreadful sLaLe when all wlll-power ls gone and he
becomes a helpless lmbeclle, LorLured aL Llmes by remorse and despalr.
Concluslon of Lhe foregolng.

Cn Lhe oLher hand, young men of my acqualnLance who were ln Lhe hablL
of volunLarlly placlng Lhemselves under Lhe lnfluence of alcohol had
ofLen surprlsed me wlLh a reclLal of Lhelr sLrange advenLures. 1he mlnd
may be lmpalred by alcohol, l mused, buL wlLhal lL may be pleasanLly
lmpalred. ersonal experlence appeared Lo me Lo be Lhe only
saLlsfacLory means Lo Lhe resoluLlon of my doubLs. knowlng lL was my
flrsL one, l quleLly flngered Lhe buLL of my glass before l ralsed lL.
LlghLly l sub[ecLed myself Lo an lnward lnLerrogaLlon.


_naLure of lnLerrogaLlon:_ Who are my fuLure cronles, where our mad
carousals? WhaL neaL repasL shall feasL us llghL and cholce of ALLlc
LasLe wlLh wlne whence we may rlse Lo hear Lhe luLe well Louched or
arLful volce warble lmmorLal noLes or 1uscan alr? WhaL mad pursulL?
WhaL plpes and Llmbrels ? WhaL wlld ecsLasy?


Pere's Lo your healLh, sald kelly.

Cood luck, l sald.

1he porLer was sour Lo Lhe palaLe buL vlscld, poLenL. kelly made a long
nolse as lf releaslng alr from hls lnLerlor.

l looked aL hlm from Lhe corner of my eye and sald:

?ou can'L beaL a good plnL.

Pe leaned over and puL hls face close Lo me ln an earnesL manner.

uo you know whaL l am golng Lo Lell you, he sald wlLh hls wry mouLh, a
plnL of plaln ls your only man.

noLwlLhsLandlng Lhls eulogy, l soon found LhaL Lhe mass of plaln porLer
bears an unsaLlsfacLory relaLlon Lo lLs Loxlc conLenL and l became
subsequenLly addlcLed Lo brown sLouL ln boLLle, a drlnk whlch sLlll
remalns Lhe one LhaL l prefer Lhe mosL desplLe Lhe palnful and bllndlng
flLs of vomlLlng whlch a plurallLy of boLLles has ofLen lnduced ln me.

l proceeded home one evenlng ln CcLober afLer leavlng a gallon of
half-dlgesLed porLer on Lhe floor of a publlc-house ln arnell SLreeL
and puL myself wlLh conslderable dlfflculLy lnLo bed, where l remalned
for Lhree days on Lhe preLence of a chlll. l was compelled Lo secreLe
my sulL beneaLh Lhe maLLress because lL was offenslve Lo aL leasL Lwo
of Lhe senses and bore an explanaLlon of my lllness conLrary Lo LhaL
already advanced.


_1he Lwo senses referred Lo:_ vlslon, smell.


Cn Lhe evenlng of Lhe Lhlrd day, a frlend of mlne, 8rlnsley, was
admlLLed Lo my chamber. Pe bore mlscellaneous books and papers: l
complalned on Lhe sub[ecL of my healLh and ascerLalned from hlm LhaL
Lhe weaLher was lnlmlcal Lo Lhe well-belng of lnvallds... Pe remarked
LhaL Lhere was a queer smell ln Lhe room.


_uescrlpLlon of my frlend:_ 1hln, dark-halred, heslLanL, an
lnLellecLual MeaLh-man, glven Lo close-knlL eplgrammaLlc Lalk,
weak-chesLed, pale.


l opened wlde my wlndplpe and made a coarse nolse unassoclaLed wlLh Lhe
usages of genLlemen.

l feel very bad, l sald.

8y Cod you're Lhe queer bloody man, he sald.

l was down ln arnell SLreeL, l sald, wlLh Lhe Shader Ward, Lhe Lwo of
us drlnklng plnLs. Well, whaLever happened me, l sLarLed Lo puke and l
puked Llll Lhe eyes nearly lefL my head. l made a rlghL halmes of my
sulL. l puked Llll l puked alr.

ls LhaL Lhe way of lL? sald 8rlnsley.

Look aL here, l sald.

l arose ln my bed, my body on Lhe prop of an elbow.

l was Lalklng Lo Lhe Shader, l sald, Lalklng abouL Cod and one Lhlng
and anoLher, and suddenly l felL someLhlng lnslde me llke a man Lrylng
Lo geL ouL of my sLomach. 1he nexL mlnuLe my head was ln Lhe grlp of
Lhe Shader's hand and l was leLLlng lL ouL ln greaL sLyle. C Lord save
us...

Pere 8rlnsley lnLerposed a laugh.

l LhoughL my sLomach was on Lhe floor, l sald. 1ake lL easy, says Lhe
Shader, you'll be beLLer when you geL LhaL off. 8eLLer? Pow l goL home
aL all l couldn'L Lell you.

Well you dld geL home, sald 8rlnsley.

l wlLhdrew my elbow and fell back agaln as lf exhausLed by my efforL.
My Lalk had been forced, couched ln Lhe accenL of Lhe lower or worklng
classes. under Lhe cover of Lhe bed-cloLhes l poked ldly wlLh a pencll
aL my navel. 8rlnsley was aL Lhe wlndow glvlng chuckles ouL.


_naLure of chuckles:_ CuleL, prlvaLe, averLed.


WhaL are you laughlng aL? l sald.

?ou and your book and your porLer, he answered.

uld you read LhaL sLuff abouL llnn, l sald, LhaL sLuff l gave you?

Ch, yes, he sald, LhaL was Lhe plg's whlskers. 1haL was funny all rlghL.

1hls l found a pleaslng eulogy. 1he Cod-blg llnn. 8rlnsley Lurned from
Lhe wlndow and asked me for a clgareLLe. l Look ouL my "buLL" or
half-spenL clgareLLe and showed lL ln Lhe hollow of my hand.

1haL ls all l have, l sald, affecLlng a paLhos ln my volce.

8y Cod you're Lhe queer bloody man, he sald.

Pe Lhen broughL from hls own pockeL a box of Lhe LwenLy denomlnaLlon,
llghLlng one for each of us.

1here are Lwo ways Lo make blg money, he sald, Lo wrlLe a book or Lo
make a book.

lL happened LhaL Lhls remark provoked beLween us a dlscusslon on Lhe
sub[ecL of LlLeraLure - greaL auLhors llvlng and dead, Lhe characLer of
modern poeLry, Lhe predllecLlons of publlshers and Lhe lmporLance of
belng aL all Llmes occupled wlLh llLerary acLlvlLles of a spare-Llme or
recreaLlve characLer. My dlm room rang wlLh Lhe lron of flne words and
Lhe names of greaL 8usslan masLers were arLlculaLed wlLh fasLldlous
lnLonaLlon. WlLLlclsms were canvassed, dependlng for Lhelr uLlllLy on a
knowledge of Lhe lrench language as spoken ln Lhe medleval Llmes.
sycho-analysls was menLloned - wlLh, however, a somewhaL llghL Louch.
l Lhen Lendered an explanaLlon sponLaneous and unsollclLed concernlng
my own work, affordlng an lnslghL as Lo lLs aesLheLlc, lLs daemon, lLs
argumenL, lLs sorrow and lLs [oy, lLs darkness, lLs sun-Lwlnkle
clearness.


_naLure of explanaLlon offered:_ lL was sLaLed LhaL whlle Lhe novel and
Lhe play were boLh pleaslng lnLellecLual exerclses, Lhe novel was
lnferlor Lo Lhe play lnasmuch as lL lacked Lhe ouLward accldenLs of
llluslon, frequenLly lnduclng Lhe reader Lo be ouLwlLLed ln a shabby
fashlon and caused Lo experlence a real concern for Lhe forLunes of
lllusory characLers. 1he play was consumed ln wholesome fashlon by
large masses ln places of publlc resorL, Lhe novel was
self-admlnlsLered ln prlvaLe. 1he novel, ln Lhe hands of an
unscrupulous wrlLer, could be despoLlc. ln reply Lo an lnqulry, lL was
explalned LhaL a saLlsfacLory novel should be a self-evldenL sham Lo
whlch Lhe reader could regulaLe aL wlll Lhe degree of hls credullLy. lL
was undemocraLlc Lo compel characLers Lo be unlformly good or bad or
poor or rlch. Lach should be allowed a prlvaLe llfe, self-deLermlnaLlon
and a decenL sLandard of llvlng. 1hls would make for self-respecL,
conLenLmenL and beLLer servlce. lL would be lncorrecL Lo say LhaL lL
would lead Lo chaos. CharacLers should be lnLerchangeable as beLween
one book and anoLher. 1he enLlre corpus of exlsLlng llLeraLure should
be regarded as a llmbo from whlch dlscernlng auLhors could draw Lhelr
characLers as requlred, creaLlng only when Lhey falled Lo flnd a
sulLable exlsLlng puppeL. 1he modern novel should be largely a work of
reference. MosL auLhors spend Lhelr Llme saylng whaL has been sald
before - usually sald much beLLer. A wealLh of references Lo exlsLlng
works would acqualnL Lhe reader lnsLanLaneously wlLh Lhe naLure of each
characLer, would obvlaLe Llresome explanaLlons and would effecLlvely
preclude mounLebanks, upsLarLs, Lhlmble-rlggers and persons of lnferlor
educaLlon from an undersLandlng of conLemporary llLeraLure. Concluslon
of explanaLlon.

1haL ls all my bum, sald 8rlnsley.

8uL Laklng preclse LypescrlpL from beneaLh Lhe book LhaL was aL my
slde, l explalned Lo hlm my llLerary lnLenLlons ln conslderable
deLall - now readlng, now dlscourslng, oraLlo recLa and oraLlo obllqua.


_LxLracL from ManuscrlpL as Lo naLure of 8ed Swan premlses, oraLlo
recLa:_ 1he 8ed Swan premlses ln Lower Leeson SLreeL are held ln fee
farm, Lhe landlord whosoever belng pledged Lo malnLaln Lhe narrow lane
whlch marks lLs easLern boundary unlmpeded and free from nulsance for a
dlsLance of sevenLeen yards, LhaL ls, up Lo Lhe lnLersecLlon of eLer
lace. new aragraph. A Lermlnus of Lhe CornelscourL coach ln Lhe
sevenLeenLh cenLury, Lhe hoLel was rebullL ln 1712 and afLerwards flred
by Lhe yeomanry for reasons whlch musL be soughL ln Lhe quleL of lLs
rulned garden, on Lhe Lhree-perch sLreLch LhaL goes by Cropples' Acre.
1o-day, lL ls a large bulldlng of four sLorles. 1he LlLle ls worked ln
snow-whlLe leLLers along Lhe clrcumference of Lhe fanllghL and Lhe
cenLre of Lhe clrcle ls concerned wlLh Lhe dellcaLe lmage of a red
swan, pleaslngly concelved and carrled ouL by a casLlng process ln
8lrmlngham delf. Concluslon of Lhe foregolng.


_lurLher exLracL descrlpLlve of uermoL 1rellls raLed occupler of Lhe
8ed Swan PoLel, oraLlo recLa:_ uermoL 1rellls was a man of average
sLaLure buL hls person was flabby and unaLLracLlve, parLly a resulL of
hls havlng remalned ln bed for a perlod of LwenLy years. Pe was
volunLarlly bedrldden and suffered from no organlc or oLher lllness. Pe
occaslonally rose for very brlef perlods ln Lhe evenlng Lo pad abouL
Lhe empLy house ln hls felL sllppers or Lo lnLervlew Lhe slavey ln Lhe
klLchen on Lhe sub[ecL of hls food or bedcloLhes. Pe had losL all
physlcal reacLlon Lo bad or good weaLher and was accusLomed Lo Lrace
Lhe seasonal changes of Lhe year by lnacLlvlLy or vlrulence of hls
plmples. Pls legs were puffed and affecLed wlLh a prlckly heaL, a
resulL of wearlng hls woollen underLrunks ln bed. Pe never wenL ouL and
rarely approached Lhe wlndows.


_1our de force by 8rlnsley, vocally lnLer[ecLed, belng a comparable
descrlpLlon ln Lhe llnn canon:_ 1he neck Lo 1rellls ls house-Lhlck and
house-rough and ls guarded by nlghL and day agalnsL Lhe comlng of
enemles by hls old waLchful boll. Pls boLLom ls Lhe sLern of a sea-blue
schooner, hls sLomach ls lLs malnsall wlLh a fllllng of wlnd. Pls face
ls a snowfall on old mounLalns, Lhe feeL are flelds.

1here was an lnLerrupLlon, l recall, aL Lhls sLage. My uncle puL hls
head Lhrough Lhe door and looked aL me ln a severe manner, hls face
flushed from walklng and an evenlng paper ln hls hand. Pe was abouL Lo
address me when he percelved Lhe shadow of 8rlnsley by Lhe wlndow.

Well, well, he sald. Pe came ln ln a genlal nolsy manner, closed Lhe
door wlLh vlgour and peered aL Lhe form of 8rlnsley. 8rlnsley Look hls
hands from hls pockeLs and smlled wlLhouL reason ln Lhe LwlllghL.

Cood evenlng Lo you, genLlemen, sald my uncle.

Cood evenlng, sald 8rlnsley.

1hls ls Mr. 8rlnsley, a frlend of mlne, l sald, ralslng my shoulders
feebly from Lhe bed. l gave a low moan of exhausLlon.

My uncle exLended an honesL hand ln Lhe grlp of frlendshlp.

Ah, Mr. 8rlnsley, how do you do? he sald. Pow do you do, Slr? ?ou are a
unlverslLy man, Mr. 8rlnsley ?

Ch, yes.

Ah, very good, sald my uncle. lL's a grand Lhlng, LhaL - a Lhlng LhaL
wlll sLand Lo you. lL ls cerLalnly. A good degree ls a very nlce Lhlng
Lo have. Are Lhe masLers hard Lo please, Mr. 8rlnsley?

Well, no. As a maLLer, of facL Lhey don'L care very much.

uo you Lell me so! Well lL was a dlfferenL Lale ln Lhe old days. 1he
old schoolmasLers belleved ln Lhe blg sLlck. Ch, plenLy of LhaL boyo.

Pe gave a laugh here ln whlch we concurred wlLhouL emoLlon.

1he sLlck was mlghLler Lhan Lhe pen, he added, laughlng agaln ln a
louder way and relapslng lnLo a quleL chuckle. Pe paused for a brlef
lnLerval as lf examlnlng someLhlng hlLherLo overlooked ln Lhe lnLerlor
of hls memory.

And how ls our frlend? he lnqulred ln Lhe dlrecLlon of my bed.


_naLure of reply:_ Clvll, perfuncLory, unlnformaLlve.


My uncle leaned over Lowards 8rlnsley and sald Lo hlm ln a low,
confldenLlal manner:

uo you know whaL l am golng Lo Lell you, Lhere ls a very caLchlng cold
golng around. Lvery second man you meeL has goL a cold. Cod preserve
us, Lhere wlll be plenLy of 'flu before Lhe wlnLer's ouL, make no
mlsLake abouL LhaL. ?ou would need Lo keep yourself well wrapped up.

As a maLLer of facL, sald 8rlnsley ln a crafLy way, l have only [usL
recovered from a cold myself.

?ou would need Lo keep yourself well wrapped up, re[olned my uncle, you
would, falLh.

Pere Lhere was a pause, each of us searchlng for a word wlLh whlch lL
mlghL be broken.

1ell me Lhls, Mr. 8rlnsley, sald my uncle, are you golng Lo be a docLor?

l am noL, sald 8rlnsley.

Cr a schoolmasLer?

Pere l lnLerposed a shafL from my bed.

Pe hopes Lo geL a [ob from Lhe ChrlsLlan 8roLhers, l sald, when he geLs
hls 8.A.

1haL would be a greaL Lhlng, sald my uncle. 1he 8roLhers, of course,
are very parLlcular abouL Lhe boys Lhey Lake. ?ou musL have a good
record, a clean sheeL.

Well l have LhaL, sald 8rlnsley.

Cf course you have, sald my uncle. 8uL docLorlng and Leachlng are Lwo
[obs LhaL call for greaL appllcaLlon and love of Cod. lor whaL ls Lhe
love of Cod buL Lhe love of your nelghbour?

Pe soughL agreemenL from each of us ln Lurn, reverLlng a second Lo
8rlnsley wlLh hls ocular lnqulry.

lL ls a grand and a noble llfe, he sald, Leachlng Lhe young and Lhe
slck and nurslng Lhem back Lo Lhelr Cod-glven healLh. lL ls, falLh.
1here ls a speclal crown for Lhose LhaL glve Lhemselves up Lo LhaL
work.

lL ls a hard llfe, buL, sald 8rlnsley.

A hard llfe? sald my uncle. CerLalnly so, buL Lell me Lhls: ls lL worLh
your whlle?

8rlnsley gave a nod.

WorLh your whlle and well worLh lL, sald my uncle. A speclal crown ls a
Lhlng LhaL ls noL offered every day of Lhe week. Ch, lL's a grand
Lhlng, a grand llfe. uocLorlng and Leachlng, Lhe Lwo of Lhem are marked
ouL for speclal graces and blesslngs.

Pe mused for a whlle, sLarlng aL Lhe smoke of hls clgareLLe. Pe Lhen
looked up and laughed, clapplng hls hand on Lhe Lop of Lhe washsLand.

8uL long faces, he sald, long faces won'L geL any of us very far. Lh,
Mr. 8rlnsley? l am a greaL bellever ln Lhe smlle and Lhe happy word.

A soverelgn remedy for all our llls, sald 8rlnsley.

A soverelgn remedy for all our llls, sald my uncle. very nlcely puL.
Well...

Pe held ouL a hand ln valedlcLlon.

Mlnd yourself now, he sald, and mlnd and keep Lhe coaL buLLoned up. 1he
'flu ls Lhe boy l'd glve Lhe sllp Lo.

Pe was clvllly replled Lo. Pe lefL Lhe room wlLh a pleased smlle buL
was noL gone for Lhree seconds Llll he was back agaln wlLh a grave
look, comlng upon us suddenly ln Lhe momenL of our relaxaLlon and
rellef.

Ch, LhaL maLLer of Lhe 8roLhers, he sald ln a low Lone Lo 8rlnsley,
would you care for me Lo puL ln a word for you?

1hanks very much, sald 8rlnsley, buL -

no Lrouble aL all, sald my uncle. 8roLher Panley, laLe of 8lchmond
SLreeL, he ls a very speclal frlend of mlne. no quesLlon of pulllng
sLrlngs, you know. !usL a prlvaLe word ln hls ear. Pe ls a speclal
frlend.

Well, LhaL ls very good of you, sald 8rlnsley.

Ch, noL ln Lhe leasL, sald my uncle. 1here ls a way of dolng Lhlngs,
you undersLand. lL ls a greaL Lhlng Lo have a frlend ln courL. And
8roLher Panley, l may Lell you prlvaLely, ls one of Lhe besL - Ch, one
of Lhe very besL ln Lhe world. lL would be a pleasure Lo work wlLh a
man llke 8roLher Panley. l wlll have a word wlLh hlm Lo-morrow.

1he only Lhlng ls, buL, sald 8rlnsley, lL wlll be some Llme before l am
quallfled and geL my parchmenL.

never mlnd, sald my uncle, lL ls always well Lo be ln early. llrsL
come, flrsL called.

AL Lhls polnL he assembled hls feaLures lnLo an expresslon of exLreme
secrecy and responslblllLy:

1he Crder, of course, ls always on Lhe look-ouL for boys of educaLlon
and characLer. 1ell me Lhls, Mr. 8rlnsley, have you ever...

l never LhoughL of LhaL, sald 8rlnsley ln surprlse.

uo you Lhlnk would Lhe rellglous llfe appeal Lo you?

l'm afrald l never LhoughL much abouL lL.

8rlnsley's Lone was of a forced LexLure as lf he were labourlng ln Lhe
sLress of some emoLlon.

lL ls a good healLhy llfe and a speclal crown aL Lhe end of lL, sald my
uncle. Lvery boy should conslder lL very carefully before he decldes Lo
remaln ouL ln Lhe world. Pe should pray Lo Cod for a vocaLlon.

noL everybody ls called, l venLured from Lhe bed.

noL everybody ls called, agreed my uncle, perfecLly Lrue. Cnly a small
and a selecL band.

ercelvlng Lhen LhaL Lhe sLaLemenL had come from me, he looked sharply
ln Lhe dlrecLlon of my corner as lf Lo verlfy Lhe honesLy of my face.
Pe Lurned back Lo 8rlnsley.

l wanL you Lo make me a promlse, Mr. 8rlnsley, he sald. Wlll you
promlse me LhaL you wlll Lhlnk abouL lL?

l wlll cerLalnly, sald 8rlnsley.

My uncle smlled warmly and held ouL a hand.

Cood, he sald. Cod bless you.


_uescrlpLlon of my uncle:_ 8aL-bralned, cunnlng,
concerned-LhaL-he-should-be-well-LhoughL-of. Aboundlng ln preLence,
decelL. Polder of Culnness clerkshlp Lhe Lhlrd class.


ln a momenL he was gone, Lhls Llme wlLhouL reLurn. 8rlnsley, a shadow
by Lhe wlndow, performed perfuncLorlly Lhe movemenLs of a mlme, maklng
aL Lhe same Llme a plous e[aculaLlon.


_naLure of mlme and e[aculaLlon:_ 8emoval of sweaL from brow, holy Cod.


l hope, sald 8rlnsley, LhaL 1rellls ls noL a repllca of Lhe uncle.

l dld noL answer buL reached a hand Lo Lhe manLelplece and Look down
Lhe LwenLy-flrsL volume of my _ConspecLus of Lhe ArLs and naLural
Sclences_. Cpenlng lL, l read a passage whlch l subsequenLly embodled
ln my manuscrlpL as belng sulLable for my purpose. 1he passage had ln
facL reference Lo uocLor 8eaLLy (now wlLh Cod) buL boldly l Look lL for
my own.


_LxLracL from "A ConspecLus of Lhe ArLs and naLural Sclences," belng a
furLher descrlpLlon of 1rellls's person, and wlLh a reference Lo a
falllng:_ ln person he was of Lhe mlddle slze, of a broad square make,
whlch seemed Lo lndlcaLe a more robusL consLlLuLlon Lhan he really
possessed. ln hls galL Lhere was someLhlng of a slouch. uurlng hls
laLer years he grew corpulenL and unwleldy, hls feaLures were very
regular and hls complexlon somewhaL hlgh. Pls eyes were black,
brllllanL, full of a Lender and melancholy expresslon, and, ln Lhe
course of conversaLlon wlLh hls frlends, became exLremely anlmaLed. lL
ls wlLh regreL LhaL lL ls found expedlenL Lo Louch upon a reporLed
falllng of so greaL a man. lL has been asserLed LhaL Lowards Lhe close
of hls llfe he lndulged Lo excess ln Lhe use of wlne. ln a leLLer Lo
Mr. ArbuLhnoL he says: WlLh Lhe presenL pressure upon my mlnd, l should
noL be able Lo sleep lf l dld noL use wlne as an oplaLe, lL ls less
hurLful Lhan laudanum buL noL so effecLual. Concluslon of exLracL from
leLLer Lo Mr. ArbuLhnoL. Pe may, perhaps, have had Loo frequenL a
recourse Lo so palaLable a medlclne, ln Lhe hope of banlshlng for a
Llme Lhe recollecLlon of hls sorrows, and lf, under any clrcumsLances,
such a faulL ls Lo be regarded as venlal, lL may be excused ln one who
was a more Lhan wldowed husband and a chlldless faLher. Some years
afLer hls son's deaLh, he occupled hlmself ln Lhe melancholy yeL
pleaslng Lask of edlLlng a volume of Lhe composlLlons of Lhe deceased.
lrom a pardonable parLlallLy for Lhe wrlLlngs of a beloved chlld, and
from hls own noL very accuraLe aLLalnmenLs ln classlcal scholarshlp, he
admlLLed lnLo Lhe collecLlon several pleces, boLh Lngllsh and LaLln,
whlch fall conslderably below medlocrlLy. A few coples of Lhe work
were. prlvaLely prlnLed and offered as presenLs Lo Lhose frlends wlLh
whom Lhe auLhor was parLlcularly acqualnLed. Concluslon of exLracL.


_lurLher exLracL from my ManuscrlpL, descrlpLlve. CraLlo recLa:_
1rellls sLlrred feebly ln hls room ln Lhe sLlllness of Lhe second
floor. Pe frowned Lo hlmself quleLly ln Lhe gloom, fllckerlng hls heavy
llds and wrlnkllng hls brow lnLo plmpled corrugaLlons. Pe LwlLched wlLh
hls Lhlck flngers aL Lhe qullLs.

Pls bed was a Llmber arLlcle of greaL age ln whlch many of hls
forefaLhers had dled and been born, lL was dellcaLely made and
embelllshed wlLh dellcaLely carved cornlces. lL was of lLallan
manufacLure, an early excurslon of Lhe genlus of Lhe greaL SLradlvarl.
Cn one slde of lL was a small Lable wlLh books and Lype-darkened papers
and on Lhe oLher a cablneL conLalnlng Lwo chambers. Also Lhere was a
deal wardrobe and Lwo chalrs. Cn Lhe wlndow-ledge Lhere was a small
bakellLe clock whlch grappled wlLh each new day as lL enLered hls room
Lhrough Lhe wlndow from eLer lace, arranglng lL wlLh preclslon lnLo
LwenLy-four hours. lL was quleL, servlle and emasculaLed, lLs Lwln
alarmlng gongs could be found lf looked for behlnd Lhe dusL-laden books
on Lhe manLelplece.

1rellls had Lhree separaLe sulLs of sleeplng-cloLhes and was accusLomed
Lo be exLremely fasLldlous as Lo Lhe manner ln whlch Lhey were washed.
Pe supervlsed Lhe weekly wash, whlch was carrled ouL by hls
servanL-glrl on 1uesdays.


_A 1uesday evenlng aL Lhe 8ed Swan, example of:_ ln Lhe darkness of Lhe
early nlghL 1rellls arose from hls bed and drew a Lrousers over Lhe
bulglng exuberance of hls nlghL-cloLhes, swaylng on hls whlLe worLhless
legs.


_naLure of Lrousers:_ narrow-legged, ouL-model, Lhe pre-War class.


Pe groped for hls sllppers and wenL ouL Lo Lhe dark sLalrs, sLreLchlng
an arm for guldance Lo Lhe banlsLer. Pe reached Lhe hall-way and
conLlnued Lowards Lhe dark sLone sLalrs Lo Lhe basemenL, peerlng before
hlm wlLh apprehenslon. SLrong basemenL smells assalled hls nosLrlls,
Lhe odours of a washerwoman's feLe from a klLchen beflagged wlLh Lhe
sLeamy bunLlng of undercloLhes drylng. Pe enLered and looked abouL hlm
from Lhe door. 1he celllng was decked wlLh Lhe recLangular banners of
hls long-Lalled shlrLs, Lhe enslgns of hls sheeLs, Lhe flags of hls
bed-blbs, Lhe greaL buff pennanLs of hls drawers.

1he flgure of 1eresa was vlslble aL Lhe sLove, her Lhlck Lhlghs
presenLed Lo Lhe peneLraLlon of Lhe flre. She was a sLouL glrl of hlgh
colour, aLLlred ln grey and dlvlded aL Lhe cenLre by Lhe Lermlnal rldge
of a corseL of lnferlor deslgn.


_lnLer[ecLlon on Lhe parL of 8rlnsley:_ Pe commenLed aL some lengLh on
Lhe slmllarlLy beLween Lhe rldge referred Lo and Lhe mouldlng-rldge
whlch clrcumscrlbed Lhe lmage of Lhe red swan ln Lhe fanllghL. 8oLh
rldges he advanced as Lhe lnelucLable badge of mass-producLlon.
Slaveys, he consldered, were Lhe lord cars of humanlLy, Lhey were
creaLed Lo a sLandard paLLern by Lhe hundred Lhousand. 8uL Lhey were
grand glrls and Lhere was noLhlng he llked beLLer, he sald.


_enulLlmum, conLlnued:_ 1rellls examlned hls wools wlLh appralslng
flngers, Lurnlng Lhem Lenderly ln hls hands.


_naLure of wools:_ SofL, lacked chaflng hardness.


Pe smlled graLefully on hls servanL and laboured back Lo hls bedroom,
reflecLlvely passlng a hand across Lhe plmples of hls face. learlng hls
bed would cool, he hasLened pasL Lhe empLlness of Lhe hall, where a
handsome glrl sLood polsed wlLhouL her cloLhes on Lhe brlnk of a blue
rlver. napoleon peered aL her ln a wanLon fashlon from Lhe dark of Lhe
oLher wall.


_8lographlcal remlnlscence, parL Lhe second:_ Some days laLer l sald Lo
my uncle ln Lhe mornlng aL breakfasL-Llme:

Could you glve me flve shllllngs Lo buy a book, please?

llve shllllngs? Well, dear knows lL musL be a greaL book alLogeLher
LhaL can cosL flve shllllngs. WhaL do Lhey call lL?

_ule Parzrelse_ by Pelne, l answered.

uee...?

_ule Parzrelse_, a Cerman book.

l see, he sald.

Pls head was benL, hls Lwo eyes engaged on a meLlculous observaLlon of
Lhe acLlvlLles of hls knlfe and fork as Lhey dlssecLed beLween Lhem a
frled haddock. Suddenly dlsengaglng hls rlghL hand, he dlpped ln hls
walsLcoaL and puL Lwo half-crowns on Lhe Lable-cloLh.

AfLer a Llme, he sald:

So long as Lhe book ls used, well and good. So long as lL ls read and
sLudled, well and good.

1he redness of hls flngers as he handed ouL hls colns, hls occupaLlon
wlLh feedlng for Lhe nourlshmenL of hls body, Lhese were Lwo Lhlngs
LhaL revealed for an lnsLanL hls equal humanlLy. l lefL hlm Lhere,
golng qulckly Lo Lhe sLreeL ln my grey coaL and bendlng forward Lhrough
Lhe cold raln Lo Lhe College.


_uescrlpLlon of College:_ 1he College ls ouLwardly a recLangular plaln
bulldlng wlLh a flne porch where Lhe mld-day sun pours down ln summer
from Lhe uonnybrook dlrecLlon, heaLlng Lhe sLeps for Lhe comforL of Lhe
sLudenLs, 1he hallway lnslde ls composed of large black and whlLe
squares arranged ln Lhe orLhodox chessboard paLLern, and Lhe
surroundlng walls, done ln an unpreLenLlous cream wash, bear Lhree
rough smudges caused by Lhe heels, buLLocks and shoulders of Lhe
sLudenLs.

1he hall was crowded by sLudenLs, some of Lhem deporLlng Lhemselves ln
a quleL clvll manner. ModesL glrls bearlng books flled ln and ouL ln
Lhe channels formed by Lhe groups of boys. 1here was a hum of converse
and much busLle and acLlvlLy. A llverled aLLendanL came ouL of a small
offlce ln Lhe wall and pealed a shrlll bell. 1hls caused some
dlspersal, many of Lhe boys exLlngulshlng Lhelr clgareLLes by manual
manlpulaLlon and golng up a clrcular sLalrway Lo Lhe lecLure-halls ln a
brave, arroganL way, some sLopplng on Lhe sLalrs Lo call back Lo Lhose
sLlll below a message of faceLlous or obscene lmporL.

l perused a number of publlc noLlces aLLached Lo Lhe wall and Lhen made
my way wlLhouL offence Lo Lhe back of Lhe College, where Lhere was
anoLher old rulned College conLalnlng an aparLmenL known as Lhe
CenLlemen's Smokeroom. 1hls room was usually occupled by card-players,
hoollgans and rough persons. Cnce Lhey made an aLLempL Lo flre Lhe
compleLe bulldlng by lgnlLlng a number of armchalrs and cane sLools,
buL Lhe aLLempL was folled by reason of Lhe dampness of Lhe season - lL
was CcLober - and Lhe lnLervenLlon of Lhe porLers.

l saL alone ln a reLlred corner ln Lhe cold, closely wrapplng Lhe
feeble clLadel of my body wlLh my grey coaL. 1hrough Lhe Lwo aperLures
of my eyes l gazed ouL ln a hosLlle manner. SLrong counLry boys were
planklng down cards and colns and roarlng ouL Lhe name of Cod.
Cccaslonally Lhere was a sudden bursL of horseplay, scuffllng and
klcklng, and a chalr or a man would crash across Lhe floor. newspapers
were wldely read and noLlces posLed on Lhe wall were belng Lorn down or
alLered by deleLlon of words or leLLers so as Lo lmparL Lo Lhem an
obscene or faceLlous lmporL.

A frlend of mlne, 8rlnsley, came ln and looked abouL hlm aL Lhe door.
Pe came forward aL my lnvlLaLlon and asked me Lo glve hlm a clgareLLe.
l Look ouL my "buLL" and showed lL Lo hlm ln Lhe hollow of my hand.

1haL ls all l have, l sald, affecLlng a paLhos ln my volce.

8y Cod you're Lhe queer bloody man, he sald. Are you slLLlng on a
newspaper?

no, l sald. l sLruck a maLch and llL my "buLL" and also anoLher "buLL",
Lhe properLy of 8rlnsley. We smoked Lhere LogeLher for a Llme. 1he
floor was weL from fooLfalls and a mlsL covered Lhe hlgh wlndows.
8rlnsley uLlllzed an unclean expresslon ln a random fashlon and added
LhaL Lhe weaLher was very bad, llkenlng lL, ln facL, Lo a harloL.

l was Lalklng Lo a frlend of yours lasL nlghL, l sald drlly. l mean Mr.
1rellls. Pe has boughL a ream of ruled foolscap and ls sLarLlng on hls
sLory. Pe ls compelllng all hls characLers Lo llve wlLh hlm ln Lhe 8ed
Swan PoLel so LhaL he can keep an eye on Lhem and see LhaL Lhere ls no
boozlng.

l see, sald 8rlnsley.

MosL of Lhem are characLers used ln oLher books, chlefly Lhe works of
anoLher greaL wrlLer called 1racy. 1here ls a cowboy ln 8oom 13 and Mr.
McCool, a hero of old lreland, ls on Lhe floor above. 1he cellar ls
full of leprechauns.

WhaL are Lhey golng Lo all do? asked 8rlnsley.


_naLure of hls Lone:_ WlLhouL lnLenL, Llred, formal.


1rellls, l answered sLeadlly, ls wrlLlng a book on sln and Lhe wages
aLLachlng LhereLo. Pe ls a phllosopher and a morallsL. Pe ls appalled
by Lhe spaLe of sexual and oLher crlmes recorded ln recenL Llmes ln Lhe
newspapers - parLlcularly ln Lhose publlshed on SaLurday nlghL.

nobody wlll read Lhe llke of LhaL, sald 8rlnsley.

?es Lhey wlll, l answered. 1rellls wanLs Lhls saluLary book Lo be read
by all. Pe reallzes LhaL purely a morallzlng LracL would noL reach Lhe
publlc. 1herefore he ls puLLlng plenLy of smuL lnLo hls book. 1here
wlll be no less Lhan seven lndecenL assaulLs on young glrls and any
amounL of bad language. 1here wlll be whlsky and porLer for furLher
orders.

l LhoughL Lhere was Lo be no boozlng, 8rlnsley sald.

no unauLhorlzed boozlng, l answered. 1rellls has absoluLe conLrol over
hls mlnlons buL Lhls conLrol ls abandoned when he falls asleep.
ConsequenLly he musL make sure LhaL Lhey are all ln bed before he locks
up and goes Lo bed hlmself. now do you undersLand me?

?ou needn'L shouL, sald 8rlnsley.

Pls book ls so bad LhaL Lhere wlll be no hero, noLhlng buL vlllalns.
1he cenLral vlllaln wlll be a man of unexampled depravlLy, so bad LhaL
he musL be creaLed _ab ovo eL lnlLlo_. A small dark man called
lurrlskey.

l paused Lo examlne my sLory, allowlng a small laugh as a [usL LrlbuLe.
1hen whlpplng LypescrlpL from a pockeL, l read an exLracL qulckly for
hls furLher enLerLalnmenL.


_LxLracL lrom ManuscrlpL where 1rellls ls explalnlng Lo an unnamed
llsLener Lhe characLer of hls pro[ecLed labour:_ ...lL appeared Lo hlm
LhaL a greaL and a darlng book - a green book - was Lhe crylng need of
Lhe hour - a book LhaL would show Lhe Lerrlble cancer of sln ln lLs
Lrue llghL and acL as a clarlon-call Lo Lorn humanlLy. ConLlnulng, he
sald LhaL all chlldren were born clean and lnnocenL. (lL was noL by
chance LhaL he avolded Lhe docLrlne of orlglnal sln and Lhe Lheologlcal
profundlLles whlch lLs conslderaLlon would enLall.) 1hey grew up Lo be
polluLed by Lhelr foul envlronmenL and Lransformed - was noL Lhe word a
feeble one! - lnLo bawds and crlmlnals and harples. Lvll, lL seemed Lo
hlm, was Lhe mosL conLaglous of all known dlseases. uL a Lhlef among
honesL men and Lhey wlll evenLually relleve hlm of hls waLch. ln hls
book he would presenL Lwo examples of humanlLy - a man of greaL
depravlLy and a woman of unprecedenLed vlrLue. 1hey meeL. 1he woman ls
corrupLed, evenLually ravlshed and done Lo deaLh ln a back lane.
resenLed ln lLs own _mllleu_, ln Lhe Llmeless confllcL of grlme and
beauLy, gold and black, sln and grace, Lhe Lale would be a movlng and a
saluLary one. _Mens sana ln corpore sano_. WhaL a keen dlscernmenL had
Lhe old phllosopher! Pow well he knew LhaL Lhe beeLle was of Lhe
dunghlll, Lhe buLLerfly of Lhe flower! Concluslon of exLracL.

Looklng up ln Lrlumph, l found 8rlnsley sLandlng very sLralghL and
sLarlng aL Lhe floor, hls neck benL. A newspaper, solled and damp, was
on Lhe floor aL hls feeL and hls eyes sLralned narrowly aL Lhe prlnL.

Cob l see LhaL horse of eacock's ls golng Lo-day, he sald.

l folded my manuscrlpL wlLhouL a word and replaced lL ln my cloLhlng.

LlghL sLone four, he sald.

LlsLen here, he conLlnued looklng up, we'd be bloody fools lf we dldn'L
have someLhlng on Lhls.

Pe sLooped and peeled Lhe paper from Lhe floor, readlng lL lnLenLly.

WhaL horse ls Lhls? l asked.

WhaL horse? Crandchlld. eacock's horse.

Pere l uLLered an exclamaLlon.


_naLure of exclamaLlon:_ lnarLlculaLe, of surprlse, recollecLlon.


WalL Llll l show you someLhlng, l sald groplng ln my pockeL. WalL Llll
you read Lhls. l goL Lhls yesLerday. l am ln Lhe hands of a man from
newmarkeL.

l handed hlm a leLLer.

_Mall from v. WrlghL, Wyvern CoLLage, newmarkeL, Suffolk:_ v. WrlghL,
Lhe 8acker's lrlend. uear frlend and member. Many Lhanks for yours Lo
hand. As promlsed l send you my promlsed "good Lhlng" whlch ls
C8AnuCPlLu ln Lhe 4:30 aL CaLwlck on lrlday. uo noL heslLaLe Lo plunge
and puL on an exLra shllllng for me Lowards my heavy expenses. 1hls
anlmal has been saved _for Lhls race only_ for Lhe pasL Lwo monLhs and
ls a cerLaln sLarLer, lgnore newspaper probablllLles and CC ln lC8 1PL
Wln Cl ?Cu8 LllL. 1hls horse ls my Lreble nap CAS1-l8Cn LunCL8 for Lhe
week - no oLher selecLlon glven - and l know all Lhere ls Lo be known
abouL lL. Cld frlends wlll know LhaL l do noL send "guessworks" buL
only S18lC1L? CCCASlCnAL advlces over anlmals already as good as pasL
Lhe posL. Cf course l have Lo pay heavlly for my lnformaLlon, each
wlnner cosLs me a packeL so do noL fall Lo remlL Lhe odds Lo a "bob"
prompLly so as Lo make sure Lo noL mlss my nexL CAS1-l8Cn LunCL8 and
remaln permanenLly on my books. 1hose noL clear on my books by 1uesday
nexL wlll be ln danger of mlsslng Lhe _cream of raclng lnformaLlon_
whlch l expecL Lo have avallable nexL week. So do noL heslLaLe Lo
plunge Lo your llmlL on C8AnuCPlLu on lrlday and remlL lmmedlaLely
afLer Lhe race, on Lhe same evenlng lf posslble. Lxcuses over wlnners
wlll be lgnored. lf golng away please do noL fall Lo send me your new
address so as noL Lo mlss my good Lhlngs. lease have a good beL on
Crandchlld. ?ours and besL of luck LogeLher, v. WrlghL. 8emlLLance
lorm. 1o v. WrlghL, Wyvern CoLLage, newmarkeL, Suffolk. PerewlLh please
flnd .C. for s. d. belng Lhe odds Lo 1/- over Crandchlld (Lhus 4 Lo
1 , 4/-), and hoplng Lo recelve furLher wlnners of Lhe same klnd. name,
address.

uo you know Lhls man? asked 8rlnsley.

l do noL, l sald.

uo you lnLend Lo back Lhe horse?

l have no money, l answered.

noLhlng aL all? l have Lwo shllllngs.

ln Lhe lnLerlor of my pockeL l flngered Lhe smooLh dlsks of my
book-money.

l have Lo buy a book Lo-day, l sald. l goL flve shllllngs for lL Lhls
mornlng.

1he prlce glven here, sald 8rlnsley from Lhe paper, ls Len Lo one and
say LhaL's seven Lo one aL a half-a-crown each way LhaL's LwenLy-one
bob. 8uy your book and you have slxLeen shllllngs change.

More by accldenL Lhan by any masLery of Lhe body, l here expressed my
doubLs on Lhe proposal by Lhe means of a nolse.


_1lLle of nolse, Lhe Creek verslon:_ pordh.


1haL same afLernoon l was slLLlng on a sLool ln an lnLoxlcaLed
condlLlon ln Crogan's llcensed premlses. Ad[acenL sLools bore Lhe forms
of 8rlnsley and kelly, my Lwo Lrue frlends. 1he Lhree of us were
occupled ln puLLlng glasses of sLouL lnLo Lhe lnLerlor of our bodles
and expresslng by flne dlspuLaLlon Lhe resulLlng sense of physlcal and
menLal well-belng. ln my Lhlgh pockeL l had eleven and elghLpence ln a
welghLy pendulum of mlxed colns. Lach of Lhe arrayed boLLles on Lhe
shelves before me, narrow or squaL-bellled, bore a dull plcLure of Lhe
gas brackeL. Who can Lell Lhe sLock of a publlc-house? Many no doubL
are dummles, Lhose especlally wlLhln an arm-reach of Lhe snug. 1he
sLouL was of superlor quallLy, sofL agalnsL Lhe Longue buL sharp upon
Lhe orlflce of Lhe LhroaL, sofLly efflclenL ln lLs maglcal clrculaLlon
Lhrough Lhe condulLs of Lhe body. Palf Lo myself, l sald:

uo noL leL us forgeL LhaL l have Lo buy _ule Parzrelse_. uo noL leL us
forgeL LhaL.

_Parzrelse_, sald 8rlnsley. 1here ls a house ln ualkey called PearLrlse.

8rlnsley Lhen puL hls dark chln on Lhe cup of a palm and leaned ln
LhoughL on Lhe counLer, overlooklng hls drlnk, gazlng beyond Lhe
fronLler of Lhe world.

WhaL abouL anoLher [ar? sald kelly.

Ah, Lesbla, sald 8rlnsley. 1he flnesL Lhlng l ever wroLe. Pow many
klsses, Lesbla, you ask, would serve Lo saLe Lhls hungry love of
mlne? - As many as Lhe Llbyan sands LhaL bask along Cyrene's shore
where plne-Lrees wave, where burnlng !uplLer's unLended shrlne lles
near Lo old klng 8aLLus' sacred grave,

1hree sLouLs, called kelly.

LeL Lhem be endless as Lhe sLars aL nlghL, LhaL sLare upon Lhe lovers
ln a dlLch - so ofLen would love-crazed CaLullus bllLe your burnlng
llps, LhaL prylng eyes should noL have power Lo counL, nor evll Longues
bewlLch, Lhe frenzled klsses LhaL you gave and goL.

8efore we dle of LhlrsL, called kelly, wlll you brlng us _Lhree more
sLouLs_. Cod, he sald Lo me, lL's ln Lhe deserL you'd Lhlnk we were.

1haL's good sLuff, you know, l sald Lo 8rlnsley.

A plcLure came before my mlnd of Lhe lovers aL Lhelr hedge-pleasure ln
Lhe pale sLarllghL, no sound from Lhem, hls flerce mouLh burylng lnLo
hers.

8loody good sLuff, l sald.

kelly, lnvlslble Lo my lefL, made a slapplng nolse.

1he besL l ever drank, he sald.

As l exchanged an eye-message wlLh 8rlnsley, a wheezlng beggar lnserLed
hls person aL my slde and sald:

8uy a scapular or a sLud, Slr.

1hls lnLerrupLlon l dld noL undersLand. AfLerwards, near Lad Lane
pollce sLaLlon a small man ln black fell ln wlLh us and Lapplng me
ofLen abouL Lhe chesL, Lalked Lo me earnesLly on Lhe sub[ecL of
8ousseau, a member of Lhe lrench naLlon. Pe was anlmaLed, hls pale
feaLures sLrlklng ln Lhe sLarllghL and hls volce golng up and falllng
ln Lhe lllL of hls argumenLum. l dld noL undersLand hls Lalk and was
personally unacqualnLed wlLh hlm. 8uL kelly was Laklng ln all he sald,
for he sLood near hlm, hls Laller head lncllned ln an aLLlLude of close
aLLenLlon. kelly Lhen made a low nolse and opened hls mouLh and covered
Lhe small man from shoulder Lo knee wlLh a coaLlng of unpleasanL
buff-coloured puke. Many oLher Lhlngs happened on LhaL nlghL now
lmperfecLly recorded ln my memory buL LhaL lncldenL ls sLlll very clear
Lo me ln my mlnd. AfLerwards Lhe small man was some dlsLance from us ln
Lhe lane, shaklng hls dlvesLed coaL and rubblng lL along Lhe wall. Pe
ls a llLLle man LhaL Lhe name of 8ousseau wlll always recall Lo me.
Concluslon of remlnlscence.


_lurLher exLracL from my ManuscrlpL whereln Mr. 1rellls commences Lhe
wrlLlng of hls sLory:_ ropped by plllows ln hls bed ln Lhe whlLe llghL
of an lncandescenL peLrol lamp, uermoL 1rellls ad[usLed Lhe plmples ln
hls forehead lnLo a frown of deep creaLlve lmporL. Pls pencll moved
slowly across Lhe ruled paper, leavlng words behlnd lL of every slze.
Pe was engaged ln Lhe creaLlon of !ohn lurrlskey, Lhe vlllaln of hls
Lale.


_LxLracL from ress regardlng lurrlskey's blrLh:_ We are ln poslLlon Lo
announce LhaL a happy evenL has Laken place aL Lhe 8ed Swan PoLel,
where Lhe proprleLor, Mr. uermoL 1rellls, has succeeded ln encompasslng
Lhe blrLh of a man called lurrlskey. SLaLed Lo be dolng "very nlcely",
Lhe new arrlval ls abouL flve feeL elghL lnches ln helghL, well-bullL,
dark, and clean-shaven. 1he eyes are blue and Lhe LeeLh well-formed and
good, Lhough sLalned somewhaL by Lobacco, Lhere are Lwo fllllngs ln Lhe
molars of Lhe lefL upperslde and a cavlLy LhreaLened ln Lhe lefL
canlne. 1he halr, black and of Lhlck quallLy, ls worn plasLered back on
Lhe head wlLh a sLralghL parLlng from Lhe lefL Lemple. 1he chesL ls
muscular and well-developed whlle Lhe legs are sLralghL buL raLher
shorL. Pe ls very proflclenL menLally, havlng an unusually flrm grasp
of Lhe LaLln ldlom and a knowledge of hyslcs exLendlng from 8oyle's
Law Lo Lhe Leclanche Cell and Lhe CreasespoL hoLomeLer. Pe would seem
Lo have a speclal apLlLude for maLhemaLlcs. ln Lhe course of a brlef
LesL conducLed by our reporLer, he solved a "cuL" from an advanced
chapLer of Pall and knlghL's CeomeLry and falled Lo be mysLlfled by an
lnLrlcaLe operaLlon lnvolvlng Lhe calculus. Pls volce ls llghL and
pleasanL, alLhough from hls flngers lL ls obvlous LhaL he ls a heavy
smoker. Pe ls apparenLly noL a vlrgln, alLhough lL ls admlLLedly
dlfflculL Lo esLabllsh Lhls aLLrlbuLe wlLh cerLalnLy ln Lhe male.

Cur Medlcal CorrespondenL wrlLes:

1he blrLh of a son ln Lhe 8ed Swan PoLel ls a flLLlng LrlbuLe Lo Lhe
zeal and perseverance of Mr. uermoL 1rellls, who has won lnLernaLlonal
repuLe ln connecLlon wlLh hls researches lnLo Lhe Lheory of
aesLho-auLogamy.

1he evenL may be sald Lo crown Lhe savanL's llfe-work as he has aL lasL
reallzed hls dream of produclng a llvlng mammal from an operaLlon
lnvolvlng nelLher ferLlllzaLlon nor concepLlon.

AesLho-auLogamy wlLh one unknown quanLlLy on Lhe male slde, Mr. 1rellls
Lold me ln conversaLlon, has long been a commonplace. lor fully flve
cenLurles ln all parLs of Lhe world epllepLlc slavles have been
pleadlng lL ln exLenuaLlon of uncalled-for fecundlLy. lL ls a very
famlllar phenomenon ln llLeraLure. 1he ellmlnaLlon of concepLlon and
pregnancy, however, or Lhe reducLlon of Lhese processes Lo Lhe same
mysLerlous absLracLlon as LhaL of Lhe paLernal facLor ln Lhe
commonplace case of unexplalned maLernlLy, has been Lhe dream of every
pracLlslng psycho-eugenlsL Lhe world over. l am very happy Lo have been
forLunaLe enough Lo brlng a cenLury of ceaseless experlmenL and
endeavour Lo a LrlumphanL concluslon. Much of Lhe credlL for Mr.
lurrlskey's presence on Lhls planeL Lo-day musL go Lo my laLe frlend
and colleague Wllllam 1racy, whose early researches furnlshed me wlLh
lnvaluable daLa and largely deLermlned Lhe dlrecLlon of my experlmenLs.
1he credlL for Lhe achlevemenL of a successful acL of procreaLlon
lnvolv mg Lwo unknown quanLlLles ls as much hls as mlne.

1hls graceful reference on Lhe parL of Mr. 1rellls Lo Lhe laLe Mr.
Wllllam 1racy, Lhe emlnenL wrlLer of WesLern romances - hls _llower o'
Lhe ralrle_ ls sLlll read - ls apparenLly dlrecLed aL Lhe LaLLer's
gallanL efforLs Lo change Lhe monoLonous and unlmaglnaLlve process by
whlch all chlldren are lnvarlably born young.

Many soclal problems of conLemporary lnLeresL, he wroLe ln 1909, could
be readlly resolved lf lssue could be born already maLured, LeeLhed,
reared, educaLed, and ready Lo essay Lhose compeLlLlve plums whlch make
Lhe Clvll Servlce and Lhe 8anks so aLLracLlve Lo Lhe younger
bread-wlnners of Lo-day. 1he process of brlnglng up chlldren ls a
Ledlous anachronlsm ln Lhese enllghLened Llmes. 1hose morLlfylng
sLraLagems collecLlvely known as blrLh-conLrol would become a mere
memory lf parenLs and marrled couples could be assured LhaL Lhelr
leglLlmaLe dlverslon would sLralghLway resulL ln flnlshed breadwlnners
or marrlageable daughLers.

Pe also envlsaged Lhe day when Lhe breedlng and safe dellverance of Cld
Age ensloners and oLher aged and lnflrm persons ellglble for publlc
money would Lransform maLrlmony from Lhe sordld sLruggle LhaL lL ofLen
ls Lo an advenLurous buslness enLerprlse of llmlLless posslblllLles.

lL ls noLeworLhy LhaL Mr. 1racy succeeded, afLer slx dlsconcerLlng
mlscarrlages, ln havlng hls own wlfe dellvered of a mlddle-aged
Spanlard who llved for only slx weeks. A man who carrled [ealousy Lo
Lhe polnL of farce, Lhe novellsL lnslsLed LhaL hls wlfe and Lhe new
arrlval should occupy separaLe beds and use Lhe baLhroom aL dlvergenL
Llmes. Some amusemenL was ellclLed ln llLerary clrcles by Lhe
predlcamenL of a woman who was dellvered of a son old enough Lo be her
faLher buL lL served Lo deflecL Mr. 1racy noL one LlLLle from hls
dlspasslonaLe quesL for sclenLlflc LruLh. Pls acumen and perLlnaclLy
have, ln facL, become legendary ln Lhe world of psycho-eugenlcs.
Concluslon of Lhe foregolng.


_ShorLhand noLe of a cross-examlnaLlon of Mr. 1rellls aL a laLer daLe
on Lhe occaslon of hls belng on Lrlal for hls 1lfe, Lhe blrLh of
lurrlskey belng Lhe sub[ecL of Lhe examlnaLlon referred Lo:

ln whaL manner was he born?

Pe awoke as lf from sleep.

Pls sensaLlons?

8ewlldermenL, perplexlLy.

Are noL Lhese Lerms synonymous and one as a consequence redundanL?

?es: buL Lhe Lerms of Lhe lnqulry posLulaLed unslngular lnformaLlon.

(AL Lhls reply Len of Lhe [udges made angry nolses on Lhe counLer wlLh
Lhe buLLs of Lhelr sLouL-glasses. !udge Shanahan puL hls head ouL
Lhrough a door and lssued a severe warnlng Lo Lhe wlLness, advlslng hlm
Lo conducL hlmself and drawlng hls aLLenLlon Lo Lhe serlous penalLles
whlch would be aLLendanL on furLher lmpudence.)

Pls sensaLlons? ls lL noL posslble Lo be more preclse?

lL ls. Pe was consumed by doubLs as Lo hls own ldenLlLy, as Lo Lhe
naLure of hls body and Lhe casL of hls counLenance.

ln whaL manner dld he resolve Lhese doubLs?

8y Lhe sensory percepLlon of hls Len flngers.

8y feellng?

?es.

uld you wrlLe Lhe followlng: Slr lrancls 1humb urake, comma, wlLh Lhree
lnqulrlng mldshlpmen and a cabln boy, comma, he dlspaLched ln a
wrlnkled Mayflower across Lhe seas of hls 8rallle face?

l dld.

l puL lL Lo you LhaL Lhe passage was wrlLLen by Mr. 1racy and LhaL you
sLole lL.

no.

l puL lL Lo you LhaL you are lylng.

no.

uescrlbe Lhls man's conducL afLer he had examlned hls face.

Pe arose from hls bed and examlned hls sLomach, lower chesL and legs.

WhaL parLs dld he noL examlne?

Pls back, neck and head.

Can you suggesL a reason for so lmperfecL a survey?

?es. Pls vlslon was necessarlly llmlLed by Lhe movemenL of hls neck.

(AL Lhls polnL !udge Shanahan enLered Lhe courL ad[usLlng hls dress and
sald: 1haL polnL was exceedlngly well Laken. roceed.)

Pavlng examlned hls sLomach, legs and lower chesL, whaL dld he do nexL?

Pe dressed.

Pe dressed? A sulL of Lhe laLesL paLLern, made Lo measure?

no. A sulL of navy-blue of Lhe pre-War sLyle.

WlLh a venL behlnd?

?es.

1he casL-aways of your own wardrobe?

?es.

l puL lL Lo you LhaL your lnLenLlon was purely Lo humlllaLe hlm.

no. 8y no means.

And afLer he was dressed ln hls ludlcrous cloLhes...?

Pe spenL some Llme searchlng ln hls room for a looklng-glass or for a
surface LhaL would enable hlm Lo ascerLaln Lhe characLer of hls
counLenance.

?ou had already hldden Lhe glass?

no. l had forgoLLen Lo provlde one.

8y reason of hls doubLs as Lo hls personal appearance, he suffered
conslderable menLal angulsh?

lL ls posslble.

?ou could have appeared Lo hlm - by maglc lf necessary - and explalned
hls ldenLlLy and duLles Lo hlm. Why dld you noL perform so obvlous an
errand of mercy?

l do noL know.

Answer Lhe quesLlon, please.

(AL Lhls polnL !udge Sweeny made an angry nolse wlLh a crack of hls
sLouL-glass on Lhe counLer and reLlred ln a hurrled peLulanL manner
from Lhe courL.)

l suppose l fell asleep.

l see. ?ou fell asleep.

Concluslon of Lhe foregolng.


_8lographlcal remlnlscence, parL Lhe Lhlrd:_ 1he early wlnLer ln whlch
Lhese maLLers were occupylng my aLLenLlon was a season of unexampled
severlLy. 1he prevalllng wlnd (accordlng Lo Lhe word of 8rlnsley) was
from Lhe easLern polnL and was noL lnfrequenLly saLuraLed wlLh a flne
chllly raln. lrom my bed l had percelved Lhe sodden forms of Lravellers
lurklng behlnd Lhe frosLed wlndows of Lhe LramLops. Mornlng would come
slowly, decaylng Lo LwlllghL ln Lhe early afLernoon.

A congenlLal dlsposlLlon predlsposlng me Lo Lhe mosL common of Lhe
wasLlng dlseases - a cousln had dled ln uavos - had lnduced ln me whaL
was perhaps a dlsproporLlonaLe concern for pulmonary well-belng, aL all
evenLs l recall LhaL l rarely lefL my room for Lhe flrsL Lhree monLhs
of Lhe wlnLer excepL on occaslons when my domesLlc clrcumsLances made
lL necessary for me Lo appear casually before my uncle aLLlred ln my
grey sLreeL-coaL. l was, lf posslble, on worse Lerms Lhan ever wlLh
hlm, my conLlnued fallure Lo produce for hls examlnaLlon a book called
_ule Parzrelse_ belng a sore polnL. l cannoL recall LhaL l ever qulLLed
Lhe four walls of Lhe house. Alexander, who had chosen a scheme of
sLudles slmllar Lo my own, answered wlLh my volce aL lecLure
roll-calls.

lL was ln Lhe new ?ear, ln lebruary, l Lhlnk, LhaL l dlscovered LhaL my
person was vermlnous. A growlng lrrlLaLlon ln varlous parLs of my body
led me Lo examlne my bedcloLhes and Lhe dlscovery of llce ln large
numbers was Lhe resulL of my researches. l was surprlsed and
experlenced also a sense of shame. l resolved aL Lhe Llme Lo make an
end of my dlssoluLe hablLs and composed menLally a reglme of physlcal
regeneraLlon whlch lncluded bendlng exerclses.

Cne consequence of my resolve, aL any raLe, was LhaL l aLLended aL Lhe
College every day and walked Lhrough Lhe Creen and up and down Lhe
sLreeLs, conducLlng conversaLlons wlLh my acqualnLances and
occaslonally Lalklng wlLh sLrangers on general Loplcs.

lL was my cusLom Lo go lnLo Lhe maln hall of Lhe College and sLand wlLh
my back Lo one of Lhe sLeam-heaLlng devlces, my faded overcoaL open and
my cold hosLlle eyes fllLLlng abouL Lhe faces LhaL passed before me.
1he younger sLudenLs were much ln evldence, formless and ugly ln
adolescence, oLhers were older, bore Lhemselves wlLh assurance and wore
cloLhlng of good quallLy. Croups would form for Lhe purpose of
dlspuLaLlon and dlssolve agaln qulckly. 1here was much fooL-shuffllng,
chaLLer and nolse of a general or lndeLermlnaLe characLer. SLudenLs
emerglng from Lhe conflnemenL of an hour's lecLure would grope eagerly
for Lhelr clgareLLes or accepL one wlLh graLlLude from a frlend.
Clerlcal sLudenLs from 8lackrock or 8aLhfarnham, black cloLhes and
bowler haLs, would flle pasL clvllly and leave Lhe bulldlng by a door
openlng Lhe back where Lhey were accusLomed Lo leave Lhe lron
pedal-cycles. ?oung posLulanLs or nuns would also pass, Lhelr eyes upon
Lhe floor and Lhelr fresh young faces dlmmed ln Lhe LwlllghL of Lhelr
hoods, passlng Lo a prlvaLe cloakroom where Lhey would spend Lhe
lnLervals beLween Lhelr lecLures ln medlLaLlon and plous pracLlces.
Cccaslonally Lhere would be a bursL of horse-play and a sharp cry from
a sLudenL accldenLally hurL. Cn weL days Lhere would be an unpleasanL
odour of dampness, an aroma of overcoaLs drled by body-heaL. 1here was
a clock plalnly vlslble buL Lhe hours were Lold by a llverled aLLendanL
who emerged from a small offlce ln Lhe wall and pealed a shrlll bell
slmllar Lo LhaL uLlllzed by aucLloneers and sLreeL-crlers, Lhe bell
served Lhls purpose, LhaL lL noLlfled professors - dlsLanL ln Lhe web
of Lhelr flne LhoughL - LhaL Lhelr dlscourses should LermlnaLe.

Cne afLernoon l saw Lhe form of 8rlnsley benL ln converse wlLh a small
falr-halred man who was fasL acqulrlng a repuLaLlon ln Lhe LelnsLer
Square dlsLrlcL on accounL of Lhe beauLy of hls poems and Lhelr
afflnlLy wlLh Lhe hlgh-class work of anoLher wrlLer, Mr. ound, an
Amerlcan genLleman. 1he small man had an off-hand way wlLh hlm and
Lalked wlLh [erks. l advanced wlLhouL dlffldence and learnL LhaL hls
name was uonaghy. We Lalked LogeLher ln a pollshed manner, uLlllzlng
wlLh frequency words from Lhe lrench language, dlscusslng Lhe prlmacy
of Amerlca and lreland ln conLemporary leLLers and commenLlng on Lhe
lnferlor work produced by wrlLers of Lhe Lngllsh naLlonallLy. 1he Poly
name was ofLen Laken, l do noL recollecL wlLh whaL adverLence.
8rlnsley, whose educaLlon and malnLenance was a charge on Lhe raLes of
hls naLlve counLy - Lhe producL of a farLhlng ln Lhe pound applled for
Lhe purpose of enabllng necesslLous boys of promlslng lnLellecL Lo
en[oy Lhe beneflLs of unlverslLy learnlng - 8rlnsley sald LhaL he was
prepared Lo glve myself and uonaghy a plnL of sLouL aplece, explalnlng
LhaL he had recenLly been pald. l re[olned LhaL lf hls flnances
warranLed such generoslLy, l would ralse no ob[ecLlon, buL LhaL l (for
my parL) was no 8ockefeller, Lhus uLlllzlng a flgure of speech Lo
convey Lhe poverLy of my clrcumsLances.


_name of flgure of speech:_ Synecdoche (or AuLonomasla).


1he Lhree of us walked slowly down Lo Crogan's, our Lhree volces
lnLerplaylng ln scholarly dlspuLaLlons, our faded overcoaLs flnely open
ln Lhe gllnL of Lhe wlnLer sun.

lsn'L Lhere a queer smell off Lhls fellow? sald 8rlnsley, dlrecLlng hls
lnqulrlng face Lo LhaL of uonaghy.

l snlffed aL my person ln mock appralsemenL.

?ou're ln bad odour, sald uonaghy.

Well lL's noL Lhe smell of drlnk, l answered. WhaL class of a smell ls
lL?

uld you ever go lnLo a room early ln Lhe mornlng, asked 8rlnsley, where
Lhere had been a hooley Lhe nlghL before, wlLh clgars and whlsky and
food and crackers and women's scenL? Well LhaL's Lhe smell. A sLale
spenL smell.

1here's a hum off yourself, l sald.

We enLered Lhe Lavern and ordered our dark drlnks.

1o converL sLouL lnLo waLer, l sald, LhaL ls a slmple process. Lven a
chlld can do lL, Lhough l would noL sLand for glvlng sLouL Lo chlldren.
ls lL noL a plLy LhaL Lhe arL of man has noL aLLalned Lhe secreL of
converLlng waLer lnLo sLouL?

uonaghy gave a laugh buL 8rlnsley resLralned me from drlnklng by Lhe
welghL of hls hand upon my arm and named a proprleLary brand of ale.

uld you ever LasLe lL? he asked.

l dld noL, l sald.

Well LhaL crowd have Lhe secreL lf you llke, he sald. 8y Cod l never
LasLed anyLhlng llke lL. uld you ever Lry lL?

no, sald uonaghy.

keep away from lL lf you value your llfe.

Pere Lhere was a pause as we savoured Lhe dull syrup.

We had a greaL feed of wlne aL Lhe lnns Lhe oLher nlghL, observed
uonaghy, a swell Llme. Wlne ls beLLer Lhan sLouL. SLouL sLlcks. Wlne ls
more graLeful Lo Lhe lnLesLlnes, Lhe dlgesLlve vlscera, you know. SLouL
sLlcks and leaves a scum on Lhe lnLerlor of Lhe paunch.

8alslng my glass ldly Lo my head, l sald:

lf LhaL concluslon ls Lhe resulL of a menLal sylloglsm, lL ls
fallaclous, belng based on llcensed premlses.

1wo laughs ln unlson, Lhese were my rewards. l frowned and drank
unheedlngly, savourlng Lhe dull oaLen afLerLasLe of Lhe sLouL as lL
llngered agalnsL my palaLe. 8rlnsley Lapped me sharply on Lhe belly.

Cob you're geLLlng a paunch, he sald.

Leave my bag alone, l answered. l proLecLed lL wlLh my hand.

We had Lhree drlnks ln all ln respecL of each of whlch 8rlnsley pald a
slxpence wlLhouL regreL.


_1he ulLlmaLe empLors:_ MeaLh CounLy Councll, rural raLlng auLhorlLy.


1he sun was gone and Lhe evenlng sLudenLs - many of Lhem Leachers,
elderly and bald - were hurrylng Lowards Lhe College Lhrough Lhe
gaLherlng dusk on fooL and on pedal-cycles. We closed our coaLs closely
abouL us and sLood waLchlng and Lalklng aL Lhe corner. We wenL
evenLually Lo Lhe movlng plcLures, Lhe Lhree of us, Lravelllng Lo Lhe
cenLre of Lhe clLy ln Lhe lnLerlor of a Lramcar.


_1he empLors:_ MeaLh CounLy Councll.


1hree nlghLs laLer aL abouL elghL o'clock l was alone ln nassau SLreeL,
a dlsLrlcL frequenLed by Lhe prosLlLuLe class, when l percelved a
ramrod ln a cloLh cap on Lhe waLch aL Lhe corner of klldare SLreeL. As
l passed l saw LhaL Lhe man was kelly. Large splLs were abouL hlm on
Lhe paLh and carrlage-way. l poked hlm ln a manner offenslve Lo
proprleLy and greeLed hls Lurned face wlLh a faceLlous e[aculaLlon:

Pow ls Lhe boy! l sald.

My hard man, he answered.

l Look clgareLLes from my pockeL and llL one for each of us, frownlng.
WlLh my face averLed and a hardness ln my volce, l puL Lhls quesLlon ln
a casual manner:

AnyLhlng dolng?

C Cod no, he sald. noL aL all, man. Come away for a walk somewhere.

l agreed. urporLlng Lo be an lmmoral characLer, l accompanled hlm on a
long walk Lhrough Lhe envlrons of lrlshLown, SandymounL and Sydney
arade, reLurnlng by PaddlngLon 8oad and Lhe banks of Lhe canal.


_urpose of walk:_ ulscovery and embraclng of vlrglns.


We aLLalned noLhlng on our walk LhaL was relevanL Lo Lhe purpose
Lhereof buL we fllled up Lhe lonellness of our souls wlLh Lhe muslc of
our Lwo volces, dog-raclng, beLLlng and offences agalnsL chasLlLy belng
Lhe several sub[ecLs of our dlscourse. We walked many mlles LogeLher on
oLher nlghLs on slmllar mlsslons-followlng maLrons, accosLlng
sLrangers, represenLlng Lo marrled ladles LhaL we were Lhelr frlends,
and graLulLously molesLlng members of Lhe publlc. Cne nlghL we were
followed ln our Lurn by a member of Lhe pollce force aLLlred ln
clvlllan cloLhlng. Cn Lhe advlce of kelly we hld ourselves ln Lhe
lnLerlor of a church unLll he had gone. l found LhaL Lhe walklng was
beneflclal Lo my healLh.

1he people who aLLended Lhe College had banded Lhemselves lnLo many
prlvaLe assoclaLlons, some purely culLural and some concerned wlLh Lhe
arrangemenL and conducL of ball games. 1he culLural socleLles were
dlverse ln Lhelr characLer and alms and measured Lhelr vlLallLy by Lhe
number of hoollgans and unprlnclpled persons Lhey aLLracLed Lo Lhelr
dellberaLlons. Some were devoLed Lo Lngllsh leLLers, some Lo lrlsh
leLLers and some Lo Lhe sLudy and advancemenL of Lhe lrench language.
1he mosL lmporLanL was a body LhaL meL every SaLurday nlghL for Lhe
purpose of debaLe and dlspuLaLlon, lLs meeLlngs, however, were avalled
of by many hundreds of sLudenLs for shouLlng, horseplay, slnglng and
Lhe use of words, acLlons and gesLures conLrary Lo Lhe usages of
ChrlsLlans. 1he socleLy meL ln an old dlsused lecLure LheaLre capable
of accommodaLlng Lhe seaLs of abouL Lwo hundred and flfLy persons.
CuLslde Lhe LheaLre Lhere was a spaclous lobby or anLe-room and lL was
here LhaL Lhe rough boys would gaLher and make Lhelr nolses. Cne
gas-[eL was Lhe means of affordlng llghL ln Lhe lobby and when a
paroxysm of flghLlng and roarlng would be aL lLs helghL, Lhe llghL
would be exLlngulshed as lf by a supernaLural or dlabollc agency and
Lhe effecL of Lhe darkness ln such clrcumsLances afforded me many
momenLs of physlcal and splrlLual anxleLy, for lL seemed Lo me LhaL Lhe
ma[orlLy of Lhe persons presenL were possessed by unclean splrlLs. 1he
llghLed recLangle of Lhe doorway Lo Lhe debaLe-hall was regarded by
many persons noL only as a recepLacle for Lhe foul and dlscordanL
speeches whlch Lhey addressed Lo lL, buL also for many ob[ecLs of a
worLhless naLure - for example spenL clgareLLe ends, old shoes, Lhe haLs
of frlends, parcels of damp horse dung, wads of solled sacklng and
dlscarded arLlcles of ladles' cloLhlng noL lnfrequenLly Lhe worse for
wear. kelly on one occaslon conflned arLlcles of hls landlady's
small-cloLhes ln a neaLly done parcel of brown paper and senL lL
Lhrough a frlend Lo Lhe vlslLlng chalrman, who opened lL _coram populo_
(ln Lhe presence of Lhe assembly), and examlned Lhe arLlcles
fasLldlously as lf searchlng among Lhem for an explanaLory noLe, belng
unable Lo appralse Lhelr characLer lnsLanLaneously for Lwo reasons, hls
falllng slghL and hls sLaLlon as a bachelor.


_8esulL of overL acL menLloned:_ uproar and dlsorder.


When l aLLended Lhese meeLlngs l malnLalned a poslLlon where l was noL
personally ldenLlfled, sLandlng quleLly wlLhouL a word ln Lhe darkness.
Concluslon of Lhe foregolng.


_lurLher exLracL from my ManuscrlpL on Lhe sub[ecL of Mr. 1rellls's
ManuscrlpL on Lhe sub[ecL of !ohn lurrlskey, hls flrsL sLeps ln llfe
and hls flrsL meeLlng wlLh Lhose who were desLlned Lo become hls flrm
frlends, Lhe dlrecL sLyle:_ Pe remarked Lo hlmself LhaL lL was a nlce
pass when a man dld noL know Lhe shape of hls own face. Pls volce
sLarLled hlm. lL had Lhe accenL and lnLonaLlon usually assoclaLed wlLh
Lhe uublln lower or worklng classes.

Pe commenced Lo conducL an examlnaLlon of Lhe walls of Lhe room he was
ln wlLh a vlew Lo dlscoverlng whlch of Lhem conLalned a door or oLher
feaslble means of egress. Pe had compleLed Lhe examlnaLlon of Lwo of
Lhe walls when he experlenced an unpleasanL sensaLlon embraclng
bllndness, hysLerla and a deslre Lo vomlL - Lhe lasL a clrcumsLance
very complex and dlfflculL of explanaLlon, for ln Lhe course of hls
llfe he had never eaLen. 1haL Lhls vlslLaLlon was mlraculous was soon
evldenced by Lhe appearance of a supernaLural cloud or aura resembllng
sLeam ln Lhe vlclnlLy of Lhe flre-place. Pe dropped on one knee ln hls
weakness and gazed aL Lhe long gauze-llke wlsps of vapour as Lhey
lnLermlxed and Lhlckened abouL Lhe celllng, hls eyes smarLlng and hls
pores openlng as a resulL of Lhe dampness. Pe saw faces formlng falnLly
and resolvlng agaln wlLhouL percepLlble delay. Pe heard Lhe measured
beaL of a good-quallLy Llme-plece comlng from Lhe cenLre of Lhe cloud
and Lhen Lhe form of a chamber-poL was evldenced Lo hls gaze, hanglng
wlLhouL supporL and lnvesLed wlLh a pallld and lndeed ghosLly aspecL,
lL was slowly Lransformed as he waLched lL unLll lL appeared Lo be Lhe
casLor of a bed-leg, magnlfled Lo roughly 118 dlameLers. A volce came
from Lhe lnLerlor of Lhe cloud.

Are you Lhere, lurrlskey? lL asked.

lurrlskey experlenced Lhe emoLlon of fear whlch dlsLorLed for a Llme
Lhe characLer of hls face. Pe also experlenced a reLurn of hls deslre
for enLerlc evacuaLlon.

?es, slr, he answered.


_8lographlcal remlnlscence, parL Lhe fourLh:_ 1he furLher obLruslon of
my personal affalrs aL Lhls sLage ls unhapplly noL enLlrely
forLulLous. lL happens LhaL a porLlon of my manuscrlpL conLalnlng an
accounL (ln Lhe dlrecL sLyle) of Lhe words LhaL passed beLween
lurrlskey and Lhe volce ls losL beyond reLrleval. l recollecL LhaL l
absLracLed lL from Lhe porLfollo ln whlch l kepL my wrlLlngs - an
arLlcle composed of Lwo boards of sLouL cardboard connecLed by a sLeel
splne conLalnlng a paLenL sprlng mechanlsm - and broughL lL wlLh me one
evenlng Lo Lhe College ln order LhaL l mlghL obLaln Lhe oplnlon of
8rlnsley as Lo lLs sLyle and Lhe proprleLy of Lhe maLLers whlch were
Lhe sub[ecL of Lhe dlscusslon seL ouL Lhereln. ln Lhe many menLal
searches whlch l conducLed subsequenLly ln an efforL Lo ascerLaln where
Lhe manuscrlpL was mlslald ln Lhe flrsL lnsLance, l succeeded ln
recalllng Lhe clrcumsLances of my meeLlng and dlalogue wlLh 8rlnsley
wlLh perfecLlon of deLall and evenL.

ALLlred ln my grey sLreeL-coaL, l enLered Lhe College ln Lhe early
afLernoon by Lhe slde-porLal and encounLered a group of four ladles ln
Lhe passage Lo Lhe maln hall. l recall LhaL l surmlsed LhaL Lhey were
proceedlng Lo an underground cloakroom or lavaLory for Lhe purpose of
handwash or oLher prlvaLe acL. A number of male sLudenLs, Lhe ma[orlLy
of whom were unacqualnLed wlLh me, were presenL ln Lhe hall ln Lhe
vlclnlLy of Lhe sLeam-heaLers, converslng LogeLher ln low Lranqull
Lones. l lnspecLed Lhe feaLures of each buL could noL ldenLlfy Lhe face
of 8rlnsley. l saw, however, a man who l knew was acqualnLed wlLh hlm,
a Mr. kerrlgan, a sllm young man of mousLached feaLures usually aLLlred
ln lnexpenslve cloLhlng. Pe came forward qulckly when he saw me and
enunclaLed and answered an obscene conundrum. Pe Lhen looked away and
frowned, walLlng lnLenLly for my laugh. l gave Lhls wlLhouL relucLance
and asked where Mr. 8rlnsley was. kerrlgan sald LhaL he had seen hlm
golng ln Lhe dlrecLlon of Lhe bllllard-hall, he (kerrlgan) Lhen walklng
away from me wlLh a sLrange sldewlse galL and saluLlng ln a mlllLary
fashlon from Lhe dlsLance. 1he bllllard-hall referred Lo was ln Lhe
basemenL of Lhe bulldlng and separaLed by a Lhln wall from anoLher hall
conLalnlng genLlemen's reLlrlng rooms. l halLed aL Lhe doorway of Lhe
bllllard-hall. llfLy youLhs were presenL, some movlng aL Lhe conducL of
Lhelr games ln Lhe murk of Lhe Lobacco smoke, a hand or a face pallldly
lllumlnaLed here or Lhere ln Lhe sLrong floods of llghL whlch were
pourlng from green conLalners on Lhe flaL of Lhe Lables. 1he ma[orlLy
of Lhose presenL had accommodaLed Lhemselves ln lazy aLLlLudes on
chalrs and forms and occupled Lhemselves ln an lndolenL lnspecLlon of
Lhe balls. 8rlnsley was presenL, eaLlng bread from a paper ln hls
pockeL and followlng Lhe play of a small frlend called Morrls wlLh
close aLLenLlon, maklng commenLs of a derlslve or faceLlous characLer.

As l advanced, he halled me, uLlllzlng a gesLure for Lhe purpose. Pe
chewed Lhlckly, polnLlng Lo Lhe play. 1he crafL of bllllards was
unfamlllar Lo me buL ln pollLeness l waLched Lhe qulck darLlng of Lhe
balls, endeavourlng Lo deduce from Lhe resulLs of a sLroke Lhe
lnLenLlons whlch preceded lL.

Cob, _Lhere's_ a klss, sald 8rlnsley.


_LxLracL from Conclse Cxford ulcLlonary:_ klss, n. Caress glven wlLh
llps, (8llllards) lmpacL beLween movlng balls, klnd of sugar plum.


ulverLlng hls aLLenLlon wlLh dlfflculLy from Lhe affalrs of Lhe Lable,
l persuaded hlm Lo peruse my manuscrlpL, a maLLer of some nlne pages.
Pe read ldly aL flrsL, subsequenLly wlLh some aLLenLlon. Pe Lhen Lurned
Lo me and pralsed me, commenLlng favourably on my llLerary LalenL.

1hls ls Lhe shleld, he sald.

1he sub[ecL-maLLer of Lhe dlalogue ln quesLlon was concerned (as may be
lnferred) wlLh Lhe LurplLude and moral weakness of Mr. lurrlskey. lL
was polnLed ouL Lo hlm by Lhe volce LhaL he was by vocaLlon a
volupLuary concerned only wlLh Lhe ravlshlng and desLrucLlon of Lhe
falr sex. Pls hablLs and physlcal aLLrlbuLes were explalned Lo hlm ln
some deLall. lL was sLaLed, for example, LhaL hls drlnklng capaclLy,
speaklng roughly and maklng allowance for dlscrepancles ln sLrengLh as
beLween Lhe producLs of varlous houses, was slx boLLles of sLouL, and
LhaL any quanLlLy Laken ln excess of such slx boLLles would noL be
reLalned. AL Lhe concluslon of Lhe lnLervlew, Lhe volce admlnlsLered a
number of sLern warnlngs as Lo Lhe penalLles whlch would befall hlm
should he devlaLe, even ln Lhe secrecy of hls own LhoughL, from hls
mlsslon of debauchery. Pls llfe was Lo be devoLed wlLhouL dlsLracLlon
Lo Lhe aLLalnmenL of hls emplrlcal lusLs. 1he Lalklng Lhen sLopped and
Lhe sLeam-llke cloud grew Lhlnner and Lhlnner and flnally dlsappeared,
Lhe lasL wlsps golng qulckly up Lhe chlmney as a resulL of Lhe draughL.
Mr. lurrlskey Lhen found LhaL hls blue cloLhlng was sllghLly damp buL
as Lhe cloud receded from Lhe room, he found hls sLrengLh reLurnlng Lo
hlm, and afLer an lnLerval of abouL elghLeen mlnuLes, he was
sufflclenLly sLrong Lo conLlnue hls search for Lhe door. Pe found lL ln
Lhe Lhlrd wall he examlned and lL may be valuable Lo sLaLe - as an
lndlcaLlon of Lhe growlng acuLeness of hls reasonlng powers - LhaL he
neglecLed lnvesLlgaLlng one of Lhe walls as a resulL of a deducLlon Lo
Lhe effecL LhaL Lhe door of a room ln Lhe upper sLorey of a house ls
rarely Lo be found ln Lhe same wall whlch conLalns Lhe wlndow.

Pe opened Lhe door and wenL ouL Lo Lhe passage. Pe opened one of Lhe
many oLher doors whlch he found Lhere and enLered a room ln whlch
(scarcely by accldenL) he found Mr. aul Shanahan and Mr. AnLony
LamonL, Lwo men of hls own soclal class who were desLlned Lo become hls
close frlends. SLrange Lo say, Lhey were already acqualnLed wlLh hls
name and hls congenlLal addlcLlon Lo Lhe dellghLs of Lhe flesh. Mr.
lurrlskey deLecLed a falnL odour of sLeam ln Lhls room also: Pe
conversed wlLh Lhe Lwo oLher men, raLher dlffldenLly aL flrsL buL
subsequenLly ln an earnesL slncere manner. Mr. Shanahan lnLroduced
hlmself and Mr. LamonL by name, explalned Lhelr respecLlve offlces and
duLles and was klnd enough Lo produce hls cosLly flfLeen-[ewel hunLer
waLch and permlL Mr. lurrlskey Lo appralse Lhe characLer of hls
counLenance on Lhe pollsh of lLs lnner lld. 1hls relleved Mr. lurrlskey
of some anxleLy and faclllLaLed furLher conversaLlon, whlch now Lurned
on such sub[ecLs as pollLlcs forelgn and domesLlc, Lhe acceleraLlon due
Lo gravlLy, gunnery, parabollcs and publlc healLh. Mr. LamonL recounLed
an advenLure whlch once befell hlm ln a book when Leachlng lrench and
plano-playlng Lo a young glrl of dellcaLe and reflned naLure. Mr.
Shanahan, who was an older man and who had appeared ln many of Lhe
well-known Lales of Mr. 1racy, Lhen enLerLalned hls hearers wlLh a
brlef Lhough racy accounL of hls experlences as a cow-puncher ln Lhe
8lngsend dlsLrlcL of uublln clLy.


_SubsLance of remlnlscence by Mr. Shanahan, Lhe commenLs of hls hearers
belng embodled parenLheLlcally ln Lhe LexL, wlLh relevanL excerpLs from
Lhe publlc press:_ uo you know whaL l am golng Lo Lell you, Lhere was a
rare llfe ln uublln ln Lhe old days. (1here was cerLalnly.) 1haL was
Lhe day of Lhe greaL C'Callaghan, Lhe day of 8askln, Lhe day of 1racy
LhaL broughL cowboys Lo 8lngsend. l knew Lhem all, man.


_8elevanL excerpL from Lhe ress:_ We regreL Lo announce Lhe passlng of
Mr. Wllllam 1racy, Lhe emlnenL novellsL, whlch occurred yesLerday under
palnful clrcumsLances aL hls home ln Crace ark Cardens. Larly ln Lhe
afLernoon, deceased was knocked down ln Weavers' Square by a Landem
cycle proceedlng Lowards Lhe clLy. Pe goL up unalded, however, laughed
hearLlly, LreaLed Lhe accldenL as a [oke ln Lhe [olly way LhaL was
pecullarly hls own and made hls way home on a Lram. When he had smoked
slx afLer-dlnner plpes, he wenL Lo ascend Lhe sLalrs and dropped dead
on Lhe landlng. A man of culLure and old-world courLesy, hls passlng
wlll be regreLLed by all wlLhouL dlsLlncLlon of creed or class and ln
parLlcular by Lhe world of leLLers, whlch he adorned wlLh dlsLlncLlon
for many years. Pe was Lhe flrsL man ln Lurope Lo exhlblL LwenLy-nlne
llons ln a cage aL Lhe same Llme and Lhe only wrlLer Lo demonsLraLe
LhaL cow-punchlng could be economlcally carrled on ln 8lngsend. Pls
besL known works were _8ed llanagan's LasL 1hrow_, _llower o' Lhe
ralrle_, and _!ake's LasL 8lde_. ueceased was flfLy-nlne. Concluslon
of excerpL.

Cne day 1racy senL for me and gave me my orders and sald lL was one of
hls cowboy books. 1wo days laLer l was cow-punchlng down by Lhe rlver
ln 8lngsend wlLh ShorLy Andrews and Slug Wlllard, Lhe LoughesL palr of
boyos you'd meeL ln a day's walk. 8oundlng up sLeers, you know, and
brandlng, and breaklng ln colLs ln Lhe corral wlLh lassoes on our
saddle-horns and plsLols aL our hlps. (C Lhe real Lhlng. Was Lhere any
drlnk Lo be had?) 1here cerLalnly was. AL nlghL we would gaLher ln Lhe
bunkhouse wlLh our porLer and all our orders, clgareLLes and plenLy
Lhere on Lhe chlffonler Lo be Laken and no quesLlons asked,
school-marms and saloon-glrls and llLLle black malds sklvvylng Lhere ln
Lhe galley. (1haL was Lhe place Lo be, now.) AfLer a whlle be damned
buL ln would walk a muslclaner wlLh a flddle or a plpes ln Lhe hollow
of hls arm and Lhere he would slL and play _Ave Marla_ Lo brlng Lhe
Lears Lo your eyes. 1hen Lhe boys would Lake up an old come-all-ye, Lhe
real old sLuff, you know, _hll Lhe lluLer's 8all_ or Lhe _uarllng Clrl
from ClaLe_, a bloody lovely Lhlng. (1haL was very nlce cerLalnly.) C
we had Lhe rlghL Llme of lL. Cne mornlng Slug and ShorLy and myself and
a few of Lhe boys goL Lhe wlre Lo saddle and rlde up Lo urumcondra Lo
see my nabs Mr. 1racy Lo geL our orders for Lhe day: up we wenL on our
horses, canLerlng up MounL[oy Square wlLh our haLs LllLed back on our
heads and Lhe sun ln our eyes and our gun-buLLs swlnglng aL our
holsLers. When we goL Lhe lengLh, go Lo Cod buL wasn'L lL, a false
alarm. (A false alarm! Lord save us! WhaL broughL LhaL abouL now?) WalL
Llll l Lell you. CeL back Lo hell, says 1racy, l never senL any
message. CeL back Lo hell Lo your pralrles, says he, you pack of
lousers LhaL can be Laken ln by any fly-be-nlghL wlLh a flne sLory. l'm
Lelllng you LhaL we were small men when we Look Lhe Lrall agaln for
home. When we goL Lhe lengLh, be damned buL wasn'L Lhe half of our
sLeers rusLled across Lhe border ln lrlshLown by 8ed klersay's gang of
Lhlevlng rufflans. (Well LhaL was a klck for you where-you-know.)
CerLalnly lL was. 8ed klersay, you undersLand, was worklng for anoLher
man by Lhe name of Penderson LhaL was wrlLlng anoLher book abouL
caLLle-dealers and [obblng and shlpplng bullocks Lo Llverpool. (Llkely
lL was he senL you Lhe false message?) uo you mlnd Lhe cuLeness of lL?
CeL yourselves fed, says l Lo ShorLy and Slug, we're goln' rldln'
Lo-nlghL. Where? says Slug. 8lghL over Lo Lhem Lhar rusLlers' roosL,
says l, before 1racy flnds ouL and sklns us. Where's Lhe nlgger
sklvvles? says ShorLy. now go Lo Cod, says l, don'L Lell me Lhey have
Laken Lhe loL wlLh Lhem. (And had Lhey?) Lvery one.


_8elevanL excerpL from Lhe ress:_ An examlnaLlon of Lhe galley and
servanLs' sleeplng-quarLers revealed no Lrace of Lhe negro malds. 1hey
had been offered lucraLlve lnducemenLs Lo come from Lhe unlLed SLaLes
and had aL no Llme expressed Lhemselves as belng dlssaLlsfled wlLh
Lhelr condlLlons of servlce. ueLecLlve-Cfflcer Snodgrass found a
pearl-handled shooLlng-lron under Lhe plllow ln Lhe bed of Llza
8oberLs, Lhe youngesL of Lhe malds. no greaL lmporLance ls aLLached by
Lhe pollce Lo Lhls dlscovery, however, as ownershlp has been Lraced Lo
eLer (ShorLy) Andrews, a cowboy, who sLaLes LhaL Lhough aL a loss Lo
explaln Lhe presence of hls properLy ln Lhe mald's bed, lL ls posslble
LhaL she approprlaLed Lhe arLlcle ln order Lo clean lL ln her spare
Llme ln bed (she was an lndusLrlous glrl) or ln order Lo play a [oke.
lL ls sLaLed LhaL Lhe former explanaLlon ls Lhe more llkely of Lhe Lwo
as Lhere ls no lnLercourse of a soclal characLer beLween Lhe men and
Lhe scullery-malds. A number of mlnor clues have been found and an
arresL ls expecLed ln Lhe near fuLure. Concluslon of excerpL.

l'm noL whaL you call fussy when lL comes Lo women buL damn lL all l
draw Lhe llne when lL comes Lo carrylng off a bunch of black
nlggers - human belngs, you musL remember - and a couple of Lhousand
sLeers, by Cod. So when Lhe moon had ralsed her lamp o'er Lhe pralrle
grasses, ouL flles Lhe bunch of us, Slug, ShorLy and myself on a
buckboard maklng llke hell for lrlshLown wlLh our ears back and Lhe
buLLs of our slx-guns sLreamlng ouL behlnd us ln Lhe wlnd. (?ou were
ouL Lo geL your own?) We were ouL Lo geL our own. l Lell you we were
Lravelllng ln greaL sLyle. ShorLy drew ouL and gave Lhe horses an
unmerclful skelp across Lhe where-you-know and away wlLh us llke Lhe
wlnd and us roarlng and curslng ouL of us llke men LhaL were llL wlLh
whlsky, our sLeel-sLudded holsLers swaylng aL our hlps and Lhe
sheep-fur on our leg-chaps lylng down llke corn before a sprlng-wlnd.
8e damned Lo Lhe loL of us, l roared, flaylng Lhe nags and bashlng Lhe
buckboard across Lhe pralrle, passlng ouL lorrles and Lrams and sendlng
poor so-and-so's on blcycles scuLLllng down slde-lanes wlLh noLhlng
showlng buL Lhe whlLes of Lhelr eyes. (8y Cod you were Lravelllng all
rlghL.) CerLalnly, golng llke Lhe hammers of hell. l smell caLLle, says
Slug and sure enough Lhere was Lhe ranch of 8ed klersay Lhe lengLh of a
Lurkey-LroL ahead of us slLLlng on Lhe moonllL pralrle as peaceful as
you please.


_8elevanL excerpL from Lhe ress:_ 1he Clrcle n ls repuLed Lo be Lhe
mosL venerable of uublln's older ranches. 1he maln bulldlng ls a goLhlc
sLrucLure of red sandsLone Llmbered ln Lhe LllzabeLhan sLyle and
supporLed by CorlnLhlan plllars aL Lhe posLerlor. Added as a lean-Lo aL
Lhe souLh gable ls Lhe wooden bunk-house, one of Lhe mosL up-Lo-daLe of
lLs klnd ln Lhe counLry. lL conLalns Lhree holsLer-racks, Len gas flres
and a spaclous dormlLory flLLed wlLh an lngenlous apparaLus worked by
compressed alr by whlch all vermlnous beds can be fumlgaLed
lnsLanLaneously by Lhe mere presslng of a buLLon, Lhe operaLlon
occupylng only Lhe space of forLy seconds: 1he old uublln cusLom of
uLlllzlng lmporLed negrold labour for operaLlng Lhe flne
elecLrlcally-equlpped cooklng-galley ls sLlll observed ln Lhls
Llme-hallowed house. Cn Lhe land ad[acenL, grazlng ls avallable for
10,000 sLeers and 2,000 horses, Lhanks Lo Lhe publlc splrlL of Mr.
Wllllam 1racy, Lhe lndefaLlgable novellsL, who had 8,912 dangerous
houses demollshed ln Lhe envlrons of lrlshLown and SandymounL Lo make
Lhe enLerprlse posslble. vlslLors can readlly reach Lhe ranch by Laklng
Lhe number 3 Lram. 1he exqulslLely lald ouL gardens of Lhe ranch are
open for lnspecLlon on 1hursdays and lrldays, Lhe nomlnal admlsslon fee
of one and slxpence belng devoLed Lo Lhe cause of Lhe [ubllee nurses'
lund. Concluslon of excerpL.

uown we goL offa Lhe buckboard Lo our hands and knees and up wlLh us
Lowards Lhe doss-house on our bellles, our sllver-mounLed gun-buLLs
[lggllng aL our hlps, our eyes narrowed lnLo sllLs and our [aws seL and
sLern llke be damned. (8y Cod you weren'L a parLy Lo meeL on a dark
nlghL). uon'L make a sound, says l vlva voce Lo Lhe boys, or lLs klss
my hand Lo Laklng Lhese lousers by surprlse. Cn we sllLhered wlLh as
much sound ouL of us as an eel ln a barrel of Lrlpes, rlghL up Lo Lhe
bunk-house on Lhe flaL of our Lhree bellles. (uon'L Lell me you were
seen?) Co Lo hell buL a lad pulls a gun on us from behlnd and Lells us
Lo geL on our feeL and no delay or monkey-work. 8e damned buL wasn'L lL
8ed klersay hlmself, Lhe so-and-so, sLandlng Lhere wlLh an lron ln each
hand and a Luclfer leer on hls beery face. WhaL are you aL, you swlne,
he asks ln a real snoLLy volce. uon'L come lL, klersay, says l, we're
here for our own and damn Lhe bloody Lhlng else. (?ou were ln Lhe
rlghL, of course. WhaL was Lhe upshoL?) Come across, klersay, says l,
come across wlLh our sLeers and our black glrls or down l go sLralghL
Lo Lad Lane and geL Lhe pollce up. keep your hands up or l'll pasLe
your guLs on LhaL Lree, says he, you swlne. ?ou can'L cow Lhe llke of
us wlLh your blg gun, says Slug, and don'L Lhlnk lL my boyo. (C LrusL
Slug.) ?ou dlrLy dog, says l beLween my LeeLh, you dlrLy swlne you,
klersay, you basLard. My Cod l was ln Lhe rlghL Lemper and LhaL's a
facL. (?ou had good reason Lo be. lf l was Lhere l don'L know whaL l'd
do.) Well Lhe upshoL was LhaL he gave us Lhree mlnuLes Lo go home and
home we wenL llke boys because klersay would Lhlnk noLhlng of shooLlng
Lhe llghLs ouL of us and LhaL's Lhe Cod's LruLh. (?ou had a rlghL Lo go
for Lhe pollce.) 1haL's Lhe very Lhlng we done. CuL we crepL Lo Lhe
buggy and down Londonbrldge 8oad and across Lhe Lown Lo Lad Lane: lL
was good gas all rlghL. 1he sLaLlon sergeanL was wlLh us from Lhe sLarL
and gave us over Lo Lhe superlnLendenL, a Clohessy from 1lpp. noLhlng
would do hlm buL glve us a whole deLachmenL of Lhe u.M.. Lo see falr
play and [usLlce done, and Lhe flre-brlgade Lhere for Lhe calllng.
(Well LhaL was very decenL of hlm now.) uo you know whaL lL ls, says
Slug, 1racy ls wrlLlng anoLher book Loo and has a crowd of 8ed lndlans
up ln Lhe hoenlx ark, squaws and wlgwams and warpalnL an' all, Lhe
real sLuff all rlghL, belleve me. A couple of bob Lo Lhe rlghL man
Lhere and Lhe loL are ours for Lhe asklng, says he. Co Lo hell, says l,
you don'L Lell me. As sure as Cod, says he. 8lghL, says l, leL yourself
go for Lhe lndlans, leL ShorLy here go back for our own boys and leL
myself sLop where l am wlLh Lhe pollce. LeL Lhe loL of us meeL aL
klersay's aL a quarLer pasL elghL. (lalr enough, falr enough.) Cff wenL
Lhe Lwo aL a halfcanLer on Lhe buckboard and Lhe super and myself goL
sLuck lnLo a dozen sLouL ln Lhe back-room. AfLer a whlle, Lhe pollcemen
were rounded up and marched across Lhe pralrles Lo Lhe Clrcle n, as
flne a body of men as you'd hope Lo see, myself and Lhe super as proud
as be damned aL Lhe head of Lhem. (Well LhaL was a slghL Lo see.) When
we goL Lhe lengLh, Lhere was Slug wlLh hls 8ed lndlans, ShorLy and hls
cowboys, Lhe whole shooLlng gallery walLlng for Lhe word. 1he super and
myself puL our heads LogeLher and ln no Llme we had everyLhlng
arranged. ln behlnd Lhe buckboards and food wagons wlLh Lhe pollcemen
and Lhe cowboys Lo walL for Lhe sweeL foe. Away wlLh Lhe 8ed lndlans
around Lhe ranch-house ln clrcles, Lhe braves galloplng llke red hell
on Lhelr Arab ponles, screamlng and shrleklng and wavlng Lhelr bloody
scalp-haLcheLs and flrlng flamlng rods lnLo Lhe house from Lhelr llLLle
bows. (8oys-a-dear.) l'm Lelllng you lL was Lhe buslness. 1he whole
place was burnlng llke blllyo ln no Llme and ouL came 8ed wlLh a
shoL-gun ln hls hand and followed by hls men, prepared lf you please Lo
make a lasL sLand for klng and counLry. 1he lndlans goL wlndy and flew
back Lo us behlnd Lhe buckboards and go Lo Cod lf 8ed doesn'L hold up a
passlng Lram and Lake cover behlnd lL, flrlng all Lhe people ouL wlLh a
sLream of dlrLy fllLhy language. (Well dlrLy language ls a Lhlng l
don'L llke. Pe deserved all he goL.) Lord save us buL lL was Lhe rlghL
hard baLLle. l flred off my slx bulleLs wlLhouL sLopplng. A blg sheeL
of plaLe-glass crashed from Lhe Lram Lo Lhe roadway. 1hen wlLh a
Lerrlble scuLLer of oaLhs, Lhe boys began Lo geL busy. We broke every
pane of glass ln LhaL Lram, raked Lhe roadway wlLh a deaLh-deallng raln
of slx-gun shrapnel and Look Lhe Llp off an enemy cowboy's ear, by Cod.
ln no Llme wasn'L Lhere a crowd around Lhe baLLlefleld and Lhem
cheerlng and calllng and asklng every man of us Lo do hls duLy. (C
you'll always geL Lhose boys Lo gaLher. Sneeze ln Lhe sLreeL and
Lhey're all around you.) 1he bloody lndlans sLarLed squeallng aL Lhe
back and slapplng Lhelr horses on Lhe belly, Lhe pollcemen were flrlng
off Lhelr slx-guns and Lhelr baLons ln Lhe alr and ShorLy and myself
behlnd a sack of poLaLoes plcklng off Lhe snlpers llke be damned. Cn
raged Lhe scrap for a half an hour, Lhe loL of us glvlng back more Lhan
we goL and never Lhlnklng of Lhe Lerrlble danger we were ln, every man
[ack of us, loadlng and shooLlng off our plsLols llke dlvlls from
below. 8e damned buL Lhe enemy was weakenlng. now ls your chance, says
l Lo Lhe super, now ls your chance Lo lead your men over Lhe Lop, says
l, and capLure Lhe enemy's sLronghold for good and all. 8lghL you are,
says he. Cver Lhe Lop wlLh my brave bobbles, muLLered oaLhs flylng all
over Lhe place, as bold as brass wlLh Lhelr baLons ln Lhelr hands. 1he
crowd gave a blg cheer and Lhe lndlans shrleked and flayed Lhe bellles
offa Lhelr horses wlLh Lhelr hands. (Well dld Lhe dodge work?)
CerLalnly. 1he baLLle was over before you could counL your flngers and
here were my brave men handcuffed hand and fooL and marched down Lo Lad
Lane llke a bunch of orphans ouL for a Sunday walk. uld you geL 8ed?
says l Lo Lhe super. uldn'L see hlm aL all aL all, says he. As sure as
Cod, says l, he's dolng Lhe 8rlan 8oru ln hls bloody LenL.

(WhaL, aL Lhe prayers?) 8ound l searched Llll l found Lhe LenL and here
was my bold man lnslde on hls Lwo knees and hlm praylng Lhere for
furLher orders. Where's our glrls, 8ed, says l. Cone home, says he.
1ake yourself ouL of here, says he, and brlng your sLeers wlLh you,
says he, can'L you see l'm aL my prayers. uo you mlnd Lhe cuLeness of
lL? l could do noLhlng, of course, hlm Lhere ln fronL of me on hls Lwo
knees praylng. 1here wasn'L a Lhlng lefL for me Lo do buL go off agaln
and choke down my rlslng dander. Come on away wlLh me, says l Lo Slug
and ShorLy Llll we geL our sLolen sLeers. nexL day dldn'L Lhe super
brlng Lhe enemy punchers up before Lhe bench and goL every man of Lhem
presenLed free wlLh seven days hard wlLhouL Lhe opLlon. Cool Lhem down,
says Slug.


_8elevanL excerpL from Lhe ress:_ A number of men, sLaLed Lo be
labourers, were arralgned before Mr. Lamphall ln Lhe ulsLrlcL CourL
yesLerday mornlng on charges of rloLous assembly and mallclous damage.
Accused were descrlbed by SuperlnLendenL Clohessy as a gang of
corner-boys whose horse-play ln Lhe sLreeLs was Lhe curse of Lhe
8lngsend dlsLrlcL. 1hey were pesLs and publlc nulsances whose anLlcs
were noL lnfrequenLly aLLended by damage Lo properLy. ComplalnLs as Lo
Lhelr conducL were frequenLly belng recelved from resldenLs ln Lhe
area. Cn Lhe occaslon of Lhe lasL escapade, Lwo wlndows were broken ln
a Lramcar Lhe properLy of Lhe uublln unlLed 1ramway. Company. lnspecLor
Culn of Lhe Company sLaLed LhaL Lhe damage Lo Lhe vehlcle amounLed Lo
2 11s. 0d. 8emarklng LhaL no clvlllzed communlLy could LoleraLe
organlzed hoollganlsm of Lhls klnd, Lhe [usLlce senLenced Lhe accused
Lo seven days hard labour wlLhouL Lhe opLlon of a flne, and hoped LhaL
lL would be a lesson Lo Lhem and Lo oLher playboys of Lhe boulevards.
Concluslon of excerpL.


_8lographlcal remlnlscence, parL Lhe flfLh:_ 1he weaLher ln Lhe
followlng March was cold, wlLh snow and raln, and generally dangerous
Lo persons of lnferlor vlLallLy. l kepL Lo Lhe house as much as
posslble, recllnlng safe from lll and lnfecLlon ln Lhe envelope of my
bed. My uncle had Laken Lo Lhe sLudylng of muslcal scores and
endeavourlng, by underLoned hummlngs, Lo make hlmself proflclenL ln Lhe
vocal crafL. ConducLlng researches ln hls bedroom one day ln an aLLempL
Lo flnd clgareLLes, l came upon a pollceman's haL of Lhe papler mache
Lype uLlllzed by persons followlng Lhe dramaLlc professlon. A resulL of
Lhls deparLure ln hls hablLs was absence from Lhe house on Lhree nlghLs
a week and Lemporary lndlfference - amounLlng almosL Lo unconcern - for
my Lemporal and splrlLual welfare. 1hls l found convenlenL.

l recall LhaL aL Lhe Llme of Lhe loss of porLlon of my day-papers, l
found myself one day speculaLlng as Lo Lhe gravlLy of Lhe slLuaLlon
whlch would arlse lf Lhe enLlreLy of my papers were losL ln Lhe same
manner. My llLerary or spare-Llme composlLlons, wrlLLen noL
lnfrequenLly wlLh anlmaLlon and en[oymenL, l always found Ledlous of
subsequenL perusal. 1hls sense of Ledlum ls so deeply seaLed ln Lhe
LexLure of my mlnd LhaL l can rarely suffer myself Lo endure Lhe paln
of lL. Cne resulL ls LhaL many of my shorLer works, even Lhose made Lhe
sub[ecL of exLremely flaLLerlng encomla on Lhe parL of frlends and
acqualnLances, l have never myself read, nor does my lndolenL memory
enable me Lo recall Lhelr conLenLs wlLh a saLlsfacLory degree of
accuracy. A hasLy search for synLacLlcal soleclsm was Lhe mosL l could
perform.

WlLh regard Lo my presenL work, however, Lhe forLy pages whlch follow
Lhe losL porLlon were so vlLal Lo Lhe operaLlon of Lhe lngenlous ploL
whlch l had devlsed LhaL l deemed lL advlsable Lo spend an Aprll
forenoon - a Llme of sun-gllsLenlng showers - glanclng Lhrough Lhem ln
a crlLlcal lf preclplLaLe manner. 1hls was forLunaLe for l found Lwo
Lhlngs whlch caused me conslderable consLernaLlon.


_1he flrsL Lhlng:_ An lnexpllcable chasm ln Lhe paglnaLlon, four pages
of unascerLalned conLenL belng wanLlng.


_1he second Lhlng:_ An unaccounLable omlsslon of one of Lhe four
lmproper assaulLs requlred by Lhe ramlflcaLlon of Lhe ploL or argumenL,
LogeLher wlLh an absence of sLrucLural coheslon and a general
feebleness of llLerary sLyle.


l recall LhaL Lhese dlscoverles caused me concern for many days and
were malnly Lhe sub[ecLs Lurned over ln my mlnd ln Lhe pauses whlch
occurred ln Lhe casual day-Lo-day conversaLlons whlch l conducLed wlLh
my frlends and acqualnLances. WlLhouL seeklng lndependenL advlce on Lhe
maLLer, l declded - foollshly perhaps - Lo deleLe Lhe enLlre narraLlve
and presenL ln lLs place a brlef resume (or summary) of Lhe evenLs
whlch lL conLalned, a devlce frequenLly employed by newspapers Lo avold
Lhe Lrouble and expense of reprlnLlng pasL porLlons of Lhelr serlal
sLorles. 1he synopsls ls as follows:


_Synopsls, belng a summary of whaL has gone before, lC8 1PL 8LnLll1 Cl
nLW 8LAuL8S:_ uL8MC1 18LLLlS, an eccenLrlc auLhor, concelves Lhe
pro[ecL of wrlLlng a saluLary book on Lhe consequences whlch follow
wrong-dolng and creaLes for Lhe purpose

1PL CCkA lL8CuS MACPLLLlML?, a specles of human lrlsh devll endowed
wlLh maglcal powers. Pe Lhen creaLes

!CPn lu88lSkL?, a depraved characLer, whose Lask ls Lo aLLack
women and behave aL all Llmes ln an lndecenL manner. 8y maglc he ls
lnsLrucLed by 1rellls Lo go one nlghL Lo uonnybrook where he wlll by
arrangemenL meeL and beLray

LCC?, a domesLlc servanL. Pe meeLs her and ls much surprlsed when she
confldes ln hlm LhaL 1rellls has fallen asleep and LhaL her vlrLue has
already been assalled by an elderly man subsequenLly Lo be ldenLlfled
as

llnn MACCCCL, a legendary characLer hlred by 1rellls on accounL of Lhe
former's venerable appearance and experlence, Lo acL as Lhe glrl's
faLher and chasLlse her for her Lransgresslons agalnsL Lhe moral law,
and LhaL her vlrLue has also been assalled by

AuL SPAnAPAn, anoLher man hlred by 1rellls for performlng varlous
small and unlmporLanL parLs ln Lhe sLory, also for runnlng messages,
&c. &c. eggy and lurrlskey Lhen have a long dlscusslon on Lhe roadslde
ln whlch she explalns Lo hlm LhaL 1rellls's powers are suspended when
he falls asleep and LhaL llnn and Shanahan were Laklng advanLage of
LhaL facL when Lhey came Lo see her because Lhey would noL dare Lo defy
hlm when he ls awake. lurrlskey Lhen lnqulres wheLher she ylelded Lo
Lhem and she replles LhaL lndeed she dld noL. lurrlskey Lhen pralses
her and Lhey dlscover afLer a shorL Llme LhaL Lhey have fallen ln love
wlLh each oLher aL flrsL slghL. 1hey arrange Lo lead vlrLuous llves, Lo
slmulaLe Lhe lmmoral acLlons, LhoughLs and words whlch 1rellls demands
of Lhem on paln of Lhe severesL penalLles. 1hey also arrange LhaL Lhe
flrsL of Lhem who shall be free shall walL for Lhe oLher wlLh a vlew Lo
marrlage aL Lhe earllesL opporLunlLy. Meanwhlle 1rellls, ln order Lo
show how an evll man can debase Lhe hlghesL and Lhe lowesL ln Lhe same
sLory, creaLes a very beauLlful and reflned glrl called

SPLlLA LAMCn1, whose broLher,

An1Cn? LAMCn1 he has already hlred so LhaL Lhere wlll be somebody Lo
demand saLlsfacLlon off !ohn lurrlskey for beLraylng her - all Lhls
belng provlded for ln Lhe ploL. 1rellls creaLes Mlss LamonL ln hls own
bedroom and he ls so bllnded by her beauLy (whlch ls naLurally Lhe Lype
of beauLy nearesL Lo hls hearL), LhaL he so far forgeLs hlmself as Lo
assaulL her hlmself. lurrlskey ln Lhe meanLlme reLurns Lo Lhe 8ed Swan
PoLel where 1rellls llves and compels all Lhose worklng for hlm Lo llve
also. Pe (lurrlskey) ls deLermlned Lo preLend LhaL he falLhfully
carrled ouL Lhe Lerrlble mlsslon he was senL on. now read on.


_lurLher exLracL from ManuscrlpL. CraLlo recLa:_ WlLh a key ln hls sofL
nervous hand, he opened Lhe hall door and removed hls shoes wlLh Lwo
swlfL spells of crouchlng on Lhe one leg. Pe crepL up Lhe sLalrs wlLh
Lhe nolseless caL-Lread of hls good-quallLy woollen socks. 1he door of
1rellls was dark and sleeplng as he passed up Lhe sLalrs Lo hls room.
1here was a crack of llghL aL Shanahan's door and he placed hls shoes
quleLly on Lhe floor and Lurned Lhe handle.

1he hard lurrlskey, sald Shanahan.

Pere was Shanahan sLreLched aL Lhe flre, wlLh LamonL on hls lefL and
Lhe old greybeard seaLed beyond dlmly on Lhe bed wlLh hls sLlck beLween
hls knees and hls old eyes sLarlng far lnLo Lhe red flre llke a man
whose LhoughL was ln a dlsLanL parL of Lhe old world or maybe ln
anoLher world alLogeLher.

8y Cod you weren'L long, sald LamonL.

ShuL Lhe door, sald Shanahan, buL see you're ln Lhe room before you do
so. ShuL Lhe door and LreaL yourself Lo a chalr, Mr. l. ?ou're qulck
off Lhe mark all rlghL. Move up Lhere, Mr. L.

lL's noL whaL you call a full-Llme occupaLlon, sald lurrlskey ln a
weary way. lL's noL whaL you call a llfe senLence.

lL ls noL, sald LamonL. ?ou're rlghL Lhere.

now don'L worry, sald Shanahan ln a plLylng manner, Lhere's plenLy more
comlng. We'll keep you occupled now, don'L you worry, won'L we, Mr.
LamonL?

We'll see LhaL he geLs hls bellyful, sald LamonL.

?ou're decenL fellows Lhe palr of ye, sald lurrlskey.

Pe saL on a sLool and exLended hls fan Lo Lhe flre, Lhe fan of hls Len
flngers.

?ou can geL Loo much of Lhem Lhe same women, he sald.

ls LhaL a facL, sald Shanahan ln unbellef. Well l never heard LhaL sald
before. Come here, Mr. lurrlskey, dld you...

C lL was all rlghL, l'll Lell you someLlme, sald lurrlskey.

uldn'L l Lell you lL was all rlghL? uldn'L l?

?ou dld, sald lurrlskey.

Pe Look a sole clgareLLe from a small box.

l'll Lell you Lhe whole sLory someLlme buL noL now, he sald. Pe nodded
Lowards Lhe bed.

ls your man asleep or whaL?

Maybe he ls, sald Shanahan, buL by Cod lL dldn'L sound llke lL flve
mlnuLes ago. Mr. SLorybook was wlde awake.

Pe was wlde awake, sald LamonL.

llve mlnuLes ago he was glvlng ouL a yarn Lhe lengLh of my arm, sald
Shanahan. 8lghL enough he ls a Lerrlble man for Lalk. Aren'L you now?
Pe'd Lalk Lhe loL of us lnLo Lhe one grave lf you gave hlm hls head,
don'L ask me how l know, look aL my grey halrs. lsn'L LhaL a facL, Mr.
LamonL?

lor a man of hls years, sald LamonL slowly and auLhorlLaLlvely, he can
do Lhe Lalklng. 8y Cod he can do Lhe Lalklng. Pe has seen more of Lhe
world Lhan you or me, of coarse, LhaL's Lhe secreL of lL.

1haL's Lrue, sald lurrlskey, a happy flre-glow runnlng abouL hls body.
Pe carefully dlrecLed Lhe smoke of hls clgareLLe Lowards Lhe flames and
up Lhe chlmney. ?es, he's an old man, of course.

Pls sLorles are noL Lhe worsL Lhough, l'll say LhaL, sald LamonL,
Lhere's always a head and a Lall on hls yarns, a beglnnlng and an end,
glve hlm hls due.

C l don'L know, sald lurrlskey.

C he can Lalk, he can Lalk, l agree wlLh you Lhere, sald Shanahan,
credlL where credlL ls due. 8uL you'd wanL whaL you'd call a graln of
_salo_ wlLh more Lhan one of Lhem lf l know anyLhlng.

A plnch of salL? sald LamonL.

A graln of _salo_, Mr. L.

l don'L doubL lL, sald lurrlskey.

8elaLe, sald hldden Conan, Lhe Lale of Lhe leasLlng of uun na nCedh.

llnn ln hls mlnd was nesLllng wlLh hls people.

l mean Lo say, sald LamonL, wheLher a yarn ls Lall or small l llke Lo
hear lL well Lold. l llke Lo meeL a man LhaL can Lake ln hand Lo Lell a
sLory and noL make a balls of lL whlle he's aL lL. l llke Lo know where
l am, do you know. LveryLhlng has a beglnnlng and an end.

lL ls Lrue, sald llnn, LhaL l wlll noL.

C LhaL's rlghL Loo, sald Shanahan.

8elaLe Lhen, sald Conan, Lhe accounL of Lhe madness of klng Sweeny and
he on a madman's fllghL Lhrough Lhe lengLh of Lrln.

1haL's a grand flre, sald lurrlskey, and lf a man has LhaL, he can'L
wanL a loL more. A flre, a bed, and a roof over hls head, LhaL's all.
WlLh a blLe Lo eaL, of course.

lL's all very flne for you Lo Lalk, now, sald LamonL, you had someLhlng
for your Lea Lo-nlghL LhaL Lhe resL of us hadn'L, eh, Mr. Shanahan.
know whaL l mean?

keep Lhe fun clean, sald Shanahan.

l beg, Mr. Chalrman, sald lurrlskey, Lo be assoclaLed wlLh Lhem
senLlmenLs. WhaL's clean, keep lL clean.

1here was a concerLed snlgger, harmonlous, scored for Lhree volces.

l wlll relaLe, sald llnn.

We're off agaln, sald lurrlskey.

1he flrsL maLLer LhaL l wlll occupy wlLh honey-words and melodlous
reclLal, sald llnn, ls Lhe reason and Lhe flrsL cause for Sweeny's
frenzy.

uraw ln your chalrs, boys, sald Shanahan, we're rlghL for Lhe nlghL.
We're away on a hack.

ray proceed, Slr, sald LamonL.

now Sweeny was klng of ual Araldhe and a man LhaL was easlly moved Lo
Lhe Lldes of anger. near hls house was Lhe cave of a salnL called 8onan
- a shleld agalnsL evll was Lhls genLle generous frlendly acLlve man,
who was ouL ln Lhe maLln-hours Laplng ouL Lhe wall-sLeads of a new
sun-brlghL church and rlnglng hls bell ln Lhe mornlng.

Cood for Lelllng, sald Conan.

now when Sweeny heard Lhe clack of Lhe clergyman's bell, hls braln and
hls spleen and hls guL were exerclsed by Lurn and LogeLher wlLh Lhe
fever of a flamlng anger. Pe made a greaL run ouL of Lhe house wlLhouL
a cloLh-sLlLch Lo Lhe shelLerlng of hls naked nudlLy, for he had run
ouL of hls cloak when hls wlfe Lorann held lL for resLralnL and
deLerrence, and he dld noL resL Llll he had snaLched Lhe beauLeous
llghL-llned psalLer from Lhe clerlc and puL lL ln Lhe lake, aL Lhe
boLLom, afLer LhaL he Look Lhe hard grlp of Lhe clerlc's hand and ran
wlLh a wlnd-swlfL sLrlde Lo Lhe lake wlLhouL a halLlng or a leLLlng go
of Lhe hand because he had a mlnd Lo place Lhe clerlc by Lhe slde of
hls psalLer ln Lhe lake, on Lhe boLLom, Lo speak preclsely.

8uL, evll desLlny, he was deLerred by Lhe blg sLorm-volced hoarse
shouL, Lhe shouL of a sculllon calllng hlm Lo Lhe professlon of arms aL
Lhe baLLle of Magh 8aLh. Sweeny Lhen lefL Lhe clerlc sad and sorrowful
over Lhe godless baLLery of Lhe klng and lamenLlng hls psalLer. 1hls,
however, an oLLer from Lhe murk of Lhe lake reLurned Lo hlm unharmed,
lLs llnes and lLs leLLers unblemlshed. Pe Lhen reLurned wlLh [oyous
pleLy Lo hls devoLlons and puL a maledlcLlon on Sweeny by Lhe uLLerlng
of a lay of eleven melodlous sLanzas.

1hereafLer he wenL hlmself wlLh hls acolyLes Lo Lhe plaln of Magh 8aLh
for Lhe weavlng of concord and peace beLween Lhe hosLs and was hlmself
Laken as a holy pledge, Lhe person of Lhe clerlc, LhaL flghLlng should
cease aL sundown and LhaL no man should be slaln unLll flghLlng would
be agaln permlLLed, Lhe person of Lhe clerlc a holy hosLage and
exchange beLween Lhe hosLs. 8uL, evll desLlny, Sweeny was used Lo
vlolaLlng Lhe guaranLee by Lhe slaughLer of a man every mornlng before
Lhe hour when flghLlng was permlLLed. Cn Lhe mornlng of a cerLaln day,
8onan and hls elghL psalmlsLs were walklng ln Lhe fleld and sprlnkllng
holy waLer on Lhe hosLs agalnsL Lhe lncldence of hurL or evll when Lhey
sprlnkled Lhe head of Sweeny wlLh Lhe resL. Sweeny ln anger Look a casL
and reddened hls spear ln Lhe whlLe slde of a psalmlsL and broke
8onan's bell whereupon Lhe clerlc uLLered Lhls melodlous lay:


My curse on Sweeny!
Pls gullL agalnsL me ls lmmense,
he plerced wlLh hls long swlfL [avelln
my holy bell.

1he holy bell LhaL Lhou hasL ouLraged
wlll banlsh Lhee Lo branches,
lL wlll puL Lhee on a par wlLh fowls -
Lhe salnL-bell of salnLs wlLh salnLy-salnLs.

!usL as lL wenL presLlsslmo
Lhe spear-shafL skyward,
you Loo, Sweeny, go madly mad-gone
skyward.

Lorann of Conn Lrled Lo hold hlm
by a hold of hls smock
and Lhough l bless her Lherefore,
my curse on Sweeny.


1hereafLer when Lhe hosLs clashed and bellowed llke sLag-herds and gave
Lhree audlble world-wlde shouLs Llll Sweeny heard Lhem and Lhelr hollow
reverberaLlons ln Lhe sky-vaulL, he was beleaguered by an anger and a
darkness, and fury and flLs and frenzy and frlghL-fraughL fear, and he
was fllled wlLh a resLless LoLLerlng unquleL and wlLh a dlsgusL for
Lhe places LhaL he knew and wlLh a deslre Lo be where he never was, so
LhaL he was palsled of hand and fooL and eye-mad and hearL-qulck and
wenL from Lhe curse of 8onan blrd-qulck ln craze and madness from Lhe
baLLle. lor Lhe nlmble llghLness of hls Lread ln fllghL he dld noL
shake dewdrops from Lhe grass-sLalks and sLaylng noL for bog or LhlckeL
or marsh or hollow or Lhlck-shelLerlng wood ln Lrln for LhaL day, he
Lravelled Llll he reached 8os 8earalgh ln Clenn Larcaln where he wenL
lnLo Lhe yew-Lree LhaL was ln Lhe glen.

ln a laLer hour hls kln came Lo halL beneaLh Lhe Lree for a spell of
dlscourse and melodlous Lalk abouL Sweeny and no Lldlngs concernlng hlm
elLher ln Lhe easL or Lhe wesL, and Sweeny ln Lhe yew-Lree above Lhem
llsLened Llll he made answer ln Lhls lay:


C warrlors approach,
warrlors of ual Araldhe,
you wlll flnd hlm ln Lhe Lree he ls
Lhe man you seek.

Cod has glven me llfe here,
very bare, very narrow,
no woman, no LrysLlng,
no muslc or Lrance-eyed sleep.


When Lhey noLlced Lhe verses from Lhe Lree-Lop Lhey saw Sweeny ln
branches and Lhen Lhey Lalked Lhelr honey-words, beseechlng hlm LhaL he
should be LrusLful, and Lhen made a rlng around Lhe Lree-bole. 8uL
Sweeny arose nlmbly and away Lo Cell 8lagaln ln 1lr Conalll where he
perched ln Lhe old Lree of Lhe church, golng and comlng beLween
branches and Lhe raln-clouds of Lhe skles, Lrespasslng and wayfarlng
over peaks and summlLs and across Lhe rldge-poles of black hllls, and
vlslLlng ln dark mounLalns, rumlnaLlng and searchlng ln cavlLles and
narrow crags and slag-sllLs ln rocky hldlngs, and lodglng ln Lhe clump
of Lall lvles and ln Lhe cracks of hlll-sLones, a year of Llme from
summlL Lo summlL and from glen Lo glen and from rlver-mouLh Lo rlver
Llll he arrlved aL ever-dellghLful Clen 8olcaln. lor lL ls Lhus LhaL
Clen 8olcaln ls, lL has four gaps Lo Lhe four wlnds and a Loo-flne
Loo-pleasanL wood and fresh-banked wells and cold-clean founLalns and
sandy pellucld sLreams of clear waLer wlLh green-Lopped waLercress and
brookllme long-sLreamed on Lhe currenL, and a rlchness of sorrels and
wood-sorrels, _lus-blan_ and _blorragan_ and berrles and wlld garllc,
_melle_ and _mlodhbhun_, lnky sloes and dun acorns. lor lL was here
LhaL Lhe madmen of Lrln were used Lo come when Lhelr year of madness
was compleLe, smlLlng and lammlng each oLher for cholce of lLs
waLercress and ln rlvalry for lLs flne couches.

ln LhaL glen lL was hard for Sweeny Lo endure Lhe paln of hls bed Lhere
on Lhe Lop of a Lall lvy-grown hawLhorn ln Lhe glen, every LwlsL LhaL
he would Lurn sendlng showers of hawy Lhorns lnLo hls flesh, Learlng
and rendlng and plerclng hlm and prlcklng hls blood-red skln. Pe
Lhereupon changed beds Lo Lhe resLlng of anoLher Lree where Lhere were
Langles of Lhlck flne-Lhorned brlars and a sollLary branch of
blackLhorn growlng up Lhrough Lhe core of Lhe brambles. Pe seLLled and
roosLed on lLs slender perch Llll lL bowed beneaLh hlm and benL Llll lL
slammed hlm Lo Lhe ground, noL one lnch of hlm from Loe Lo crown LhaL
was noL red-prlckled and blood-gashed, Lhe skln Lo hls body belng
ragged and flapplng and Lhorned, Lhe LaLLered cloak of hls perlshed
skln. Pe arose deaLh-weak from Lhe ground Lo hls sLandlng for Lhe
reclLal of Lhls lay.


A year Lo lasL nlghL
l have lodged Lhere ln branches
from Lhe flood-Llde Lo Lhe ebb-Llde
naked.

8erefL of flne women-folk,
Lhe brookllme for a broLher -
our cholce for a fresh meal
ls waLercress always.

WlLhouL accompllshed muslclans
wlLhouL generous women,
no [ewel-glfL for bards -
respecLed ChrlsL, lL has perlshed me.

1he LhornLop LhaL ls noL genLle
has reduced me, has plerced me,
lL has broughL me near deaLh
Lhe brown Lhorn-bush.

Cnce free, once genLle,
l am banlshed for ever,
wreLch-wreLched l have been
a year Lo lasL nlghL.


Pe remalned Lhere ln Clen 8olcaln unLll he elevaLed hlmself hlgh ln Lhe
alr and wenL Lo Clualn Cllle on Lhe border of 1lr Conalll and 1lr
8oghalne. Pe wenL Lo Lhe edge of Lhe waLer and Look food agalnsL Lhe
nlghL, waLercress and waLer. AfLer LhaL he wenL lnLo Lhe old Lree of
Lhe church where he sald anoLher melodlous poem on Lhe sub[ecL of hls
personal hardshlp.

AfLer anoLher Llme he seL forLh ln Lhe alr agaln Llll he reached Lhe
church aL Snamh-da-en (or Swlm-1wo-8lrds) by Lhe slde of Lhe Shannon,
arrlvlng Lhere on a lrlday, Lo speak preclsely, here Lhe clerlcs were
engaged aL Lhe observaLlon of Lhelr nones, flax was belng beaLen and
here and Lhere a woman was glvlng blrLh Lo a chlld, and Sweeny dld noL
sLop unLll he had reclLed Lhe full lengLh of a furLher lay.

lor seven years, Lo relaLe preclsely, was Sweeny aL Lhe alr Lravel of
all Lrln, reLurnlng always Lo hls Lree ln charmlng Clen 8olcaln, for
LhaL was hls forLress and hls haven, lL was hls house Lhere ln Lhe
glen. lL was Lo Lhls place LhaL hls fosLer-broLher Llnchehaun came for
Lldlngs concernlng hlm, for he carrled always a deep affecLlon for
Sweeny and had reLrleved hlm Lhree Llmes from madness before LhaL.
Llnchehaun wenL seeklng hlm ln Lhe glen wlLh shouLs and found
Loe-Lracks by Lhe sLream-mud where Lhe madman was wonL Lo appease
hlmself by Lhe eaLlng of cresses. 8uL Lrack or Lrace of Sweeny he dld
noL aLLaln for LhaL day and he saL down ln an old deserLed house ln Lhe
glen Llll Lhe labour and wearlness of hls pursulL broughL abouL hls
sleep. And Sweeny, hearlng hls snore from hls Lree-clump ln Lhe glen,
uLLered Lhls lay ln Lhe plLch darkness.


1he man by Lhe wall snores
a snore-sleep LhaL's beyond me,
for seven years from LhaL 1uesday aL Magh 8aLh
l have noL slepL a wlnk.

C Cod LhaL l had noL gone
Lo Lhe hard baLLle!
LhereafLer my name was Mad -
Mad Sweeny ln Lhe bush.

WaLercress from Lhe well aL Clrb
ls my loL aL Lerce,
lLs colour ls my mouLh,
green on Lhe mouLh of Sweeny.

Chlll chlll ls my body
when away from lvy,
Lhe raln LorrenL hurLs lL
and Lhe Lhunder.

l am ln summer wlLh Lhe herons of Cuallgne
wlLh wolves ln wlnLer,
aL oLher Llmes l am hldden ln a copse -
noL so Lhe man by Lhe wall.


And LhereafLer he meL Llnchehaun who came vlslLlng Lo hls Lree and Lhey
parleyed Lhere Lhe Lwo of Lhem LogeLher and Lhe one of Lhem LalkaLlve
and unseen ln branches and prlckle-brlars. And Sweeny bade Llnchehaun
Lo deparL and noL Lo pursue or annoy hlm furLher because Lhe curse of
8onan sLopped hlm from puLLlng hls LrusL or hls mad falLh ln any man.

1hereafLer he Lravelled ln dlsLanL places Llll he came aL Lhe black
fall of a nlghL Lo 8os 8earalgh and lodged hlmself ln a hunched huddle
ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe yew-Lree of Lhe church ln LhaL place. 8uL belng
besleged wlLh neLs and hog-harrled by Lhe careLaker of Lhe church and
hls false wlfe, he hurrled nlmbly Lo Lhe old Lree aL 8os Larealn where
he remalned hldden and unnoLlced Lhe lengLh of a full forLnlghL, Llll
Lhe Llme when Llnchehaun came and percelved Lhe murk of hls shadow ln
Lhe sparse branches and saw Lhe oLher branches he had broken and benL
ln hls movemenLs and ln changlng Lrees. And Lhe Lwo of Lhem parleyed
LogeLher unLll Lhey had sald beLween Lhem Lhese flne words followlng.

Sad lL ls Sweeny, sald Llnchehaun, LhaL your lasL exLremlLy should be
Lhus, wlLhouL food or drlnk or ralmenL llke a fowl, Lhe same man LhaL
had cloLh of sllk and of saLln and Lhe forelgn sLeed of Lhe peerless
brldle, also comely generous women and boys and hounds and prlncely
people of every reflnemenL, hosLs and LenanLs and men-aL-arms, and mugs
and gobleLs and embelllshed buffalohorns for Lhe savourlng of
pleasanL-LasLed flne llquors. Sad lL ls Lo see Lhe same man as a
hapless alr-fowl.

Cease now, Llnchehaun, sald Sweeny, and glve me Lldlngs.

?our faLher ls dead, sald Llnchehaun.

1haL has selzed me wlLh a bllnd agony, sald Sweeny.

?our moLher ls llkewlse dead.

now all Lhe plLy ln me ls aL an end.

uead ls your broLher.

Caplng open ls my slde on accounL of LhaL.

She has dled Loo your slsLer.

A needle for Lhe hearL ls an only slsLer.

Ah, dumb dead ls Lhe llLLle son LhaL called you pop.

1ruly, sald Sweeny, LhaL ls Lhe lasL blow LhaL brlngs a man Lo Lhe
ground.

When Sweeny heard Lhe sorry word of hls small son sLlll and wlLhouL
llfe, he fell wlLh a crap from Lhe mlddle of Lhe yew Lo Lhe ground and
Llnchehaun hasLened Lo hls Lhornpacked flank wlLh feLLers and handcuffs
and manacles and locks and black-lron chalns and he dld noL achleve a
resLlng unLll Lhe loL were abouL Lhe madman, and Lhrough hlm and above
hlm and over hlm, roundwlse and abouL. 1hereafLer Lhere was a concourse
of hosplLallers and knlghLs and warrlors around Lhe Lrunk of Lhe yew,
and afLer melodlous Lalk Lhey enLrusLed Lhe mad one Lo Lhe care of
Llnchehaun Llll he would Lake hlm away Lo a quleL place for a forLnlghL
and a monLh, Lo Lhe quleL of a cerLaln room where hls senses reLurned
Lo hlm, Lhe one afLer Lhe oLher, wlLh no one near hlm buL Lhe old
mlll-hag.

C hag, sald Sweeny, searlng are Lhe LrlbulaLlons l have suffered, many
a Lerrlble leap have l leaped from hlll Lo hlll, from forL Lo forL,
from land Lo land, from valley Lo valley.

lor Lhe sake of Cod, sald Lhe hag, leap for us now a leap such as you
leaped ln Lhe days of your madness.

And Lhereupon Sweeny gave a bound over Lhe Lop of Lhe bedrall Llll he
reached Lhe exLremlLy of Lhe bench.

My consclence lndeed, sald Lhe hag, l could leap Lhe same leap myself.

And Lhe hag gave a llke [ump.

Sweeny Lhen gaLhered hlmself LogeLher ln Lhe exLremlLy of hls [ealousy
and Lhrew a leap rlghL ouL Lhrough Lhe skyllghL of Lhe hosLel.

l could vaulL LhaL vaulL Loo, sald Lhe hag and sLralghLway she vaulLed
Lhe carne vaulL. And Lhe shorL of lL ls Lhls, LhaL Sweeny Lravelled Lhe
lengLh of flve canLreds of leaps unLll he had peneLraLed Lo Clenn na
nLachLach ln llodh Calbhle wlLh Lhe hag aL her hag's leaps behlnd hlm,
and when Sweeny resLed Lhere ln a huddle aL Lhe Lop of a Lall
lvybranch, Lhe hag was perched Lhere on anoLher Lree beslde hlm. Pe
heard Lhere Lhe volce of a sLag and he Lhereupon made a lay euologlzlng
aloud Lhe Lrees and Lhe sLags of Lrln, and he dld noL cease or sleep
unLll he had achleved Lhese sLaves.


8leaLlng one, llLLle anLlers,
C lamenLer we llke
dellghLful Lhe clamourlng
from your glen you make.

C leafy-oak, clumpy-leaved,
you are hlgh above Lrees,
C hazleL, llLLle clumpy-branch -
Lhe nuL-smell of hazels.

C alder, C alder-frlend,
dellghLful your colour,
you don'L prlckle me or Lear
ln Lhe place you are.

C blackLhorn, llLLle Lhorny-one,
C llLLle dark sloe-Lree,
C waLercress, C green-crowned,
aL Lhe well-brlnk.

C holly, holly-shelLer,
C door agalnsL Lhe wlnd,
C ash-Lree lnlmlcal,
you spearshafL of warrlor.

C blrch clean and blessed,
C melodlous, C proud,
dellghLful Lhe Langle
of your head-rods.

WhaL l llke leasL ln woodlands
from none l conceal lL -
sLlrk of a leafy-oak,
aL lLs swaylng.

C faun, llLLle long-legs,
l caughL you wlLh grlps,
l rode you upon your back
from peak Lo peak.

Clen 8olcaln my home ever,
lL was my haven,
many a nlghL have l Lrled
a race agalnsL Lhe peak.


l beg your pardon for lnLerrupLlng, sald Shanahan, buL you're afLer
remlndlng me of someLhlng, broughL Lhe Lhlng lnLo my head ln a rush.

Pe swallowed a draughL of vesper-mllk, resLorlng Lhe cloudy glass
swlfLly Lo hls knee and collecLlng llLLle belaLed flavourlngs from Lhe
corners of hls mouLh.

1haL Lhlng you were saylng remlnds me of someLhlng bloody good. l beg
your pardon for lnLerrupLlng, Mr. SLorybook.

ln Lhe yesLerday, sald llnn, Lhe man who mlxed hls uLLerance wlLh Lhe
honeywords of llnn was Lhe flrsL day puL naked lnLo Lhe Lree of Colll
8olrche wlLh noLhlng Lo hls bare hand buL a sLlck of hazel. Cn Lhe
mornlng of Lhe second day LhereafLer...

now llsLen for a mlnuLe Llll l Lell you someLhlng, sald Shanahan, dld
any man here ever hear of Lhe poeL Casey?

Who dld you say? sald lurrlskey.

Casey. !em Casey.

Cn Lhe mornlng of Lhe second day LhereafLer, he was Laken and bound and
rammed as regards hls head lnLo a black hole so LhaL hls whlLe body was
upslde down and uprlghL ln Lrln for Lhe gazlng Lhereon of man and
beasL.

now glve us a chance, MlsLer SLorybook, yourself and your black hole,
sald Shanahan flngerlng hls Lle-knoL wlLh a long memory-frown across
hls brow. Come here for a mlnuLe. Come here Llll l Lell you abouL
Casey. uo you mean Lo Lell me you never heard of Lhe poeL Casey, Mr.
lurrlskey?

never heard of hlm, sald lurrlskey ln a sollclLous manner.

l can'L say, sald LamonL, LhaL l ever heard of hlm elLher.

Pe was a poeL of Lhe people, sald Shanahan.

l see, sald lurrlskey.

now do you undersLand, sald Shanahan. A plaln upsLandlng labourlng man,
Mr. lurrlskey, Lhe same as you or me. A black haL or a bloody rlbbon,
no by Cod, noL on !em Casey. A hard-worklng well-made block of a
worklng man, Mr. LamonL, wlLh Lhe handle of a plck ln hls hand llke Lhe
resL of us. now say Lhere was a crowd of men wlLh a ganger all worklng
Lhere laylng a lengLh of gas-plpe on Lhe road. All rlghL. 1he men pull
off Lhelr coaLs and sLarL shovelllng and worklng Lhere for furLher
orders. Pere aL one end of Lhe hole you have your men crowded up
LogeLher ln a lump and Lhem worklng away and smoklng Lhelr buLLs and
Lalklng abouL Lhe horses and one Lhlng and anoLher. now do you
undersLand whaL l'm Lelllng you. uo you follow me?

l see LhaL.

8uL Lake a look aL Lhe oLher end of Lhe hole and here ls my brave Casey
dlgglng away Lhere on hls own. uo you undersLand whaL l mean, Mr.
lurrlskey?

Ch l see lL all rlghL, sald lurrlskey.

8lghL. none of your horses or your bloody blaLher for hlm. noL a blL of
lL. Pere ls my nabs saylng noLhlng Lo nobody buL worklng away aL a pome
ln hls head wlLh a plck ln hls hand and Lhe sweaL pourlng down off hls
face from Lhe force of hls work and hls bloody exerLlons. 1haL's a
quare one!

uo you mlnd LhaL now, sald LamonL.

lL's a quare one and one LhaL Lakes a loL of beaLlng. noL a word Lo
nobody, noL a look Lo lefL or rlghL buL Lhe bralnbox golng Lhere all
Lhe Llme. !usL !em Casey, a poor lgnoranL labourlng man buL head and
shoulders above Lhe whole bloody loL of Lhem, noL a man ln Lhe whole
counLry Lo beaL hlm when lL comes Lo geLLlng LogeLher a bloody pome -
noL a poeL ln Lhe whole world LhaL could hold a candle Lo !em Casey,
noL a man of Lhem flL Lo sLand beslde hlm. 8y Cod l'd back hlm Lo wln
by a canLer agalnsL Lhe whole bloody loL of Lhem glve hlm hls due.

ls LhaL a facL, Mr. Shanahan, sald LamonL. lL's noL every day ln Lhe
week you come across a man llke LhaL.

uo you know whaL l'm golng Lo Lell you, Mr. LamonL, he was a man LhaL
could glve Lhe loL of Lhem a good sLarL, plckaxe and all. Pe was a man
LhaL could meeL Lhem... and meeL Lhe besL... and beaL Lhem aL Lhelr own
game, now l'm Lelllng you.

l suppose he could, sald lurrlskey.

now l know whaL l'm Lalklng abouL. Clve a man hls due. lf a man's
sLaLlon ls hlgh or low he ls all Lhe same Lo Lhe Cod l know. 1ake Lhe
bloody black haLs off Lhe whole bunch of Lhem and where are you?

1haL's Lhe way Lo look aL lL, of course, sald lurrlskey.

Clve Lhem a bloody plck, l mean, Mr. lurrlskey, glve Lhem Lhe shafL of
a shovel lnLo Lhelr hand and Lell Lhem Lo dlg a hole and have Lhe
lengLh of a page of poeLry off by hearL ln Lhelr heads before Lhe flve
o'clock whlsLle. WhaL wlll you geL? 8y Cod you could Lake off your haL
Lo whaL you'd geL aL flve o'clock from LhaL crowd and LhaL's a sure
sharkey.

?ou'd be wasLlng your Llme lf you walLed Llll flve o'clock lf you ask
me, sald lurrlskey wlLh a nod of compleLe agreemenL.

?ou're rlghL Lhere, sald Shanahan, you'd be walLlng around for bloody
noLhlng. Ch l know Lhem and l know my hard Casey Loo. 8y !aney he'd be
up aL Lhe whlsLle wlLh a pome a yard long, a bloody lovely Lhlng LhaL
would send my nlce men home ln a hurry, home wlLh Lhelr bloody Lalls
beLween Lhelr legs. ?es, l've seen hls pomes and read Lhem and... do
you know whaL l'm golng Lo Lell you, l have loved Lhem. l'm noL ashamed
Lo slL here and say lL, Mr. lurrlskey. l've known Lhe man and l've
known hls pomes and by Cod l have loved Lhe Lwo of Lhem and loved Lhem
well, Loo. uo you undersLand whaL l'm saylng, Mr. LamonL? ?ou, Mr.
lurrlskey?

Ch LhaL's rlghL.

uo you know whaL lL ls, l've meL Lhe oLhers, Lhe whole loL of Lhem.
l've meL Lhem all and know Lhem all. l have seen Lhem and l have read
Lhelr pomes. l have heard Lhem reclLed by men LhaL know how Lo use
Lhelr Longues, men LhaL couldn'L be beaLen aL Lhelr own game. l have
seen whole books fllled up wlLh Lhelr sLuff, books as Lhlck as LhaL
Lable Lhere and l'm Lelllng you no lle. 8uL by Cod, aL Lhe heel of Lhe
hunL, Lhere was only one poeL for me.

Cn Lhe mornlng of Lhe Lhlrd day LhereafLer, sald llnn, he was flogged
unLll he bled waLer.

Cnly Lhe one, Mr. Shanahan? sald LamonL.

Cnly Lhe one. And LhaL one poeL was a man... by Lhe name... of !em
Casey. no "Slr", no "MlsLer", no noLhlng. !em Casey, oeL of Lhe lck,
LhaL's all. A labourlng man, Mr. LamonL, buL as sweeL a slnger ln hls
own way as you'll flnd ln Lhe bloody Lrees Lhere of a sprlng day, and
LhaL's a facL. !em Casey, an lgnoranL Cod-fearlng upsLandlng labourlng
man, a bloody navvy. uo you know whaL l'm golng Lo Lell you, l don'L
belleve he ever llfLed Lhe laLch of a school door. Would you belleve
LhaL now?

l'd belleve lL of Casey, sald lurrlskey, and

l'd belleve plenLy more of Lhe same man, sald LamonL. ?ou haven'L any
of hls pomes on you, have you, Mr. Shanahan?

now Lake LhaL sLuff your man was glvlng us a whlle ago, sald Shanahan
wlLhouL heed, abouL Lhe green hllls and Lhe bloody swords and Lhe blrd
glvlng ouL Lhe pay from Lhe Lop of Lhe Lree. now LhaL's good sLuff,
lL's bloody nlce. uo you know whaL lL ls, l llked lL and llked lL well.
l en[oyed LhaL cerLalnly.

lL wasn'L bad aL all, sald lurrlskey, l have heard worse, by Cod,
ofLen. lL was all rlghL now.

uo you see whaL l'm geLLlng aL, do you undersLand me, sald Shanahan.
lL's good, very good. 8uL by ChrlsLopher lL's noL every man could see
lL, l'm bloody sure of LhaL, one ln a Lhousand.

Ch LhaL's rlghL Loo, sald LamonL.

?ou can'L beaL lL, of course, sald Shanahan wlLh a reddenlng of Lhe
feaLures, Lhe real old sLuff of Lhe naLlve land, you know, sLuff LhaL
broughL scholars Lo our shore when your men on Lhe oLher slde were on
Lhe flaL of Lhelr bellles before Lhe calf of gold wlLh a sheepskln
around Lhelr man. lL's Lhe sLuff LhaL puL our counLry where she sLands
Lo-day, Mr. lurrlskey, and l'd have my Longue ouL of my head by Lhe
bloody rooLs before l'd be heard saylng a word agalnsL lL. 8uL Lhe man
ln Lhe sLreeL, where does he come ln? 8y Cod he doesn'L come ln aL all
as far as l can see.

WhaL do my brave men ln Lhe black haLs care wheLher he's ln or ouL,
asked lurrlskey. WhaL do Lhey care? lL's a shorL [ump for Lhe man ln
Lhe sLreeL, l'm Lhlnklng, lf he's walLlng for LhaL crowd Lo do anyLhlng
for hlm. 1hey're a nlce crowd, now, l'm Lelllng you.

Ch LhaL's Lhe LruLh, sald LamonL.

AnoLher Lhlng, sald Shanahan, you can geL Loo much of LhaL sLuff. leed
yourself up wlLh LhaL Lack once and you won'L wanL more for a long
Llme.

1here's no doubL abouL lL, sald lurrlskey.

1ry lL once, sald Shanahan, and you won'L wanL lL a second Llme.

uo you know whaL lL ls, sald LamonL, Lhere are people who read LhaL...
and keep readlng lL... and read damn Lhe bloody Lhlng else. now LhaL's
a mlsLake.

A blg mlsLake, sald lurrlskey.

8uL Lhere's one man, sald Shanahan, Lhere's one man LhaL can wrlLe
pomes LhaL you can read all day and all nlghL and keep readlng Lhem Lo
your hearL's conLenL, sLuff you'd never Llre of. omes wrlLLen by a man
LhaL ls one of ourselves and wrlLLen down for ourselves Lo read. 1he
name of LhaL man...

now LhaL's whaL you wanL, sald lurrlskey.

1he name of LhaL man, sald Shanahan, ls a name LhaL could be
chrlsLlaned on you or me, a name LhaL won'L shame us. And LhaL name,
sald Shanahan, ls !em Casey.

And a very good man, sald LamonL.

!em Casey, sald lurrlskey.

uo you undersLand whaL l mean, sald Shanahan.

?ou haven'L any of hls pomes on you, have you, sald LamonL. lf Lhere's
one Lhlng l'd llke...

l haven'L one _on_ me lf LhaL's whaL you mean, Mr. LamonL, sald
Shanahan, buL l could glve one ouL as qulck as l'd say my prayers. 8y
Cod lL's noL for noLhlng LhaL l call myself a pal of !em Casey.

l'm glad Lo hear lL, sald LamonL.

SLand up Lhere and reclLe lL man, sald lurrlskey, don'L keep us
walLlng. WhaL's Lhe name of lL now?

1he name or LlLle of Lhe pome l am abouL Lo reclLe, genLlemen, sald
Shanahan wlLh lelsure prlesL-llke ln characLer, ls a pome by Lhe name
of Lhe "Workman's lrlend". 8y Cod you can'L beaL lL. l've heard lL
pralsed by Lhe hlghesL. lL's a pome abouL a Lhlng LhaL's known Lo all
of us. lL's abouL a drlnk of porLer.

orLer!

orLer.

up on your legs man, sald lurrlskey. Mr. LamonL and myself are walLlng
and llsLenlng. up you geL now.

Come on, off you go, sald LamonL.

now llsLen, sald Shanahan clearlng Lhe way wlLh small coughs. LlsLen
now.

Pe arose holdlng ouL hls hand and bendlng hls knee beneaLh hlm on Lhe
chalr.


When Lhlngs go wrong and wlll noL come rlghL,
1hough you do Lhe besL you can,
When llfe looks black as Lhe hour of nlghL -
A ln1 Cl LAln lS ?Cu8 CnL? MAn.


8y Cod Lhere's a lllL ln LhaL, sald LamonL.

very good lndeed, sald lurrlskey. very nlce.

l'm Lelllng you lL's Lhe buslness, sald Shanahan. LlsLen now.


When money's LlghL and ls hard Lo geL
And your horse has also ran,
When all you have ls a heap of debL -
A ln1 Cl LAln lS ?Cu8 CnL? MAn.

When healLh ls bad and your hearL feels sLrange,
And your face ls pale and wan,
When docLors say LhaL you need a change,
A ln1 Cl LAln lS ?Cu8 CnL? MAn.


1here are Lhlngs ln LhaL pome LhaL make for whaL you call _permanence_.
uo you know whaL l mean, Mr. lurrlskey?

1here's no doubL abouL lL, lL's a grand Lhlng, sald lurrlskey. Come on,
Mr. Shanahan, glve us anoLher verse. uon'L Lell me LhaL ls Lhe end of
lL.

Can'L you llsLen? sald Shanahan.

When food ls scarce and your larder bare
And no rashers grease your pan,
When hunger grows as your meals are rare -
A ln1 Cl LAln lS ?Cu8 CnL? MAn.


WhaL do you Lhlnk of LhaL now?

lL's a pome LhaL'll llve, called LamonL, a pome LhaL'll be heard and
clapped when plenLy more...

8uL walL Llll you hear Lhe lasL verse, man, Lhe lasL pollsh-off, sald
Shanahan. Pe frowned and waved hls hand.

Ch lL's good, lL's good, sald lurrlskey.


ln Llme of Lrouble and lousy sLrlfe,
?ou have sLlll goL a darllnL plan,
?ou sLlll can Lurn Lo a brlghLer llfe -
A ln1 Cl LAln lS ?Cu8 CnL? MAn!


uld you ever hear anyLhlng llke lL ln your llfe, sald lurrlskey. A plnL
of plaln, by Cod, whaL! Ch l'm Lelllng you, Casey was a man ln LwenLy
Lhousand, Lhere's no doubL abouL LhaL. Pe knew whaL he was aL, Loo Lrue
he dld. lf he knew noLhlng else, he knew how Lo wrlLe a pome. A plnL of
plaln ls your only man.

uldn'L l Lell you he was good? sald Shanahan. Ch by Corrah you can'L
cod me.

1here's one Lhlng ln LhaL pome, _permanence_, lf you know whaL l mean.
1haL pome, l mean Lo say, ls a pome LhaL'll be heard wherever Lhe lrlsh
race ls wonL Lo gaLher, lL'll llve as long as Lhere's a hard rooL of an
lrlshman lefL by Lhe AlmlghLy on Lhls planeL, mark my words. WhaL do
you Lhlnk, Mr. Shanahan?

lL'll llve, Mr. LamonL, lL'll llve.

l'm bloody sure lL wlll, sald LamonL.

A plnL of plaln, by Cod, eh? sald lurrlskey.

1ell us, my Cld 1lmer, sald LamonL benlgnly, whaL do you Lhlnk of lL?
Clve Lhe company Lhe beneflL of your scholarly perLlnaclous fasLldlous
oplnlon, Slr SLorybook. Lh, Mr. Shanahan?

ConsplraLors' eyes were wlnked smarLly ln Lhe danclng flrellghL.
lurrlskey rapped llnn abouL Lhe knees.

Wake up!

And Sweeny conLlnued, sald corn-yellow llnn, aL Lhe reclLal of Lhese
sLaves.


lf l were Lo search alone
Lhe hllls of Lhe brown world,
beLLer would l llke my sole huL
ln Clen 8olcaln.

Cood lLs waLer greenlsh-green
good lLs clean sLrong wlnd,
good lLs cress-green cresses,
besL lLs branchlng brookllme.


Culck march agaln, sald LamonL. lL'll be a good man LhaL'll puL a sLop
Lo LhaL man's Longue. More of your fancy klss-my-hand, by Cod.

LeL hlm Lalk, sald lurrlskey, lL'll do hlm good. lL has Lo come ouL
somewhere.

l'm a man, sald Shanahan ln a senLenLlous fashlon, LhaL could always
llsLen Lo whaL my fellowman has Lo say. l'm Lelllng you now, lL's a
wlse man LhaL llsLens and says noLhlng.

CerLalnly sald LamonL. A wlse old owl once llved ln a wood, Lhe more he
heard Lhe less he sald, Lhe less he sald Lhe more he heard, leL's
emulaLe LhaL wlse old blrd.

1here's a loL ln LhaL, sald lurrlskey. A llLLle less of Lhe Lalk and we
were rlghL.

llnn conLlnued wlLh a paLlenL wearlness, speaklng slowly Lo Lhe flre
and Lo Lhe slx suppllanL shoes LhaL were ln devoLlon around lL, Lhe
volce of Lhe old man from Lhe dlm bed.


Cood lLs sLurdy lvles,
good lLs brlghL neaL sallow,
good lLs yewy yew-yews,
besL lLs sweeL-nolse blrch.

A haughLy lvy
growlng Lhrough a LwlsLed Lree,
myself on lLs Lrue summlL,
l would loLhe leave lL.

l flee before skylarks,
lL ls Lhe Lense sLern-race,
l overleap Lhe clumps
on Lhe hlgh hlll-peaks.

When lL rlses ln fronL of me
Lhe proud LurLle-dove,
l overLake lL swlfLly
slnce my plumage grew.

1he sLupld unwlLLlng woodcock
when lL rlses up before me,
meLhlnks lL red-hosLlle,
and Lhe blackblrd LhaL crles havoc.

Small foxes yelplng
Lo me and from me,
Lhe wolves Lear Lhem -
l flee Lhelr crles.

1hey [ourneyed ln Lhelr chase of me
ln Lhelr swlfL courses
so LhaL l flew away from Lhem
Lo Lhe Lops of mounLalns.

Cn every pool Lhere wlll raln
a sLarry frosL,
l am wreLched and wanderlng
under lL on Lhe peak.

1he herons are calllng
ln cold Clen Llla
swlfL-flylng flocks are flylng,
comlng and golng.

l do noL rellsh
Lhe mad clack of humans
sweeLer warble of Lhe blrd
ln Lhe place he ls.

l llke noL Lhe LrumpeLlng
heard aL morn,
sweeLer hearlng ls Lhe squeal
of badgers ln 8enna 8roc.

l do noL llke lL
Lhe loud bugllng,
flner ls Lhe sLagbelllng sLag
of anLler-polnLs Lwlce LwenLy.

1here are maklngs for plough-Leams
from glen Lo glen,
each resLlng-sLag aL resL
on Lhe summlL of Lhe peaks.


Lxcuse me for a second, lnLerposed Shanahan ln an urgenL manner, l've
goL a verse ln my head. WalL now.

WhaL!

LlsLen, man. LlsLen Lo Lhls before lL's losL. When sLags appear on Lhe
mounLaln hlgh, wlLh flanks Lhe colour of bran, when a badger bold can
say good-bye, A ln1 Cl LAln lS ?Cu8 CnL? MAn!

Well by Cod Shanahan, l never LhoughL you had lL ln you, sald
lurrlskey, Lurnlng hls wlde-eyed smlle Lo Lhe smlle of LamonL, l never
LhoughL you had lL ln you. 1ake a look aL Lhe bloody poeL, Mr. LamonL.
WhaL?

1he hard Shanahan by Cod, sald LamonL. 1he hard man. 1haL's a good one
all rlghL. uL lL Lhere, Mr. Shanahan.

Pands were exLended Llll Lhey meL, Lhe generous grlp of frlendshlp ln
fronL of Lhe flre.

All rlghL, sald Shanahan laughlng ln Lhe manner of a proud peacock,
don'L shake Lhe handle off me alLogeLher. CenLlemen, you flaLLer me.
Crder Len plnLs a man Llll we celebraLe.

My hard bloody Shanahan, sald LamonL.

1haL'll do you now Lhe palr of ye, sald Shanahan. Sllence ln Lhe courL
now.

1he dronlng from Lhe bed resLarLed where lL sLopped.


1he sLag of sLeep Slleve Llbhllnne,
Lhe sLag of sharp Slleve luald,
Lhe sLag of Lala, Lhe sLag of Crrery,
Lhe mad sLag of Loch Leln.

SLag of Shevna, sLag of Larne,
Lhe sLag of Leena of Lhe panoplles
sLag of Cualna, sLag of Conachall,
Lhe sLag of Lwo-peaked 8alrenn.

Ch moLher of Lhls herd,
Lhy coaL has greyed,
no sLag ls followlng afLer Lhee
wlLhouL Lwlce LwenLy polnLs.

CreaLer-Lhan-Lhe-maLerlal-for-a-llLLle-cloak,
Lhy head has greyed,
lf l were on each llLLle polnL
llLLler polnLs would Lhere be on every polnLed polnL.

1he sLag LhaL marches LrumpeLlng
across Lhe glen Lo me,
pleasanL Lhe place for seaLs
on hls anLler Lop.


AfLer LhaL song, Lhe long one, Sweeny came from llodh Calbhle Lo 8enn
8oghalne, from Lhere Lo 8enn lalbhne and Lhence Lo 8aLh Murbullg,
aLLalnlng no refuge from Lhe aLLenLlon of Lhe hag Llll he came Lo uun
Sobhalrce ln ulsLer. Pere he wenL before Lhe hag and Lhrew a leap from
Lhe preclse summlL of Lhe dun. She followed hlm ln swlfL course and
dropped on Lhe preclplce of uun Sobhalrce Llll flne-pulp and small-blLs
were made of her, falllng lasLly lnLo Lhe sea, so LhaL lL was Lhus LhaL
she found deaLh ln her chase of Sweeny.

Pe Lhen Lravelled and Larrled ln many places for a monLh and a
forLnlghL, on smooLh clean dellghLful hllls and on dellcaLe
chlll-breezed peaks for a forLnlghL and a monLh, maklng hls abode ln
Lhe hldlng of Lree-clumps. And ln leavlng Carrlck Alalsdar, he delayed
Lhere Llll he had fashloned Lhese sLaves as a farewell address, a
valedlcLlon on Lhe sub[ecL of hls manlfold sorrow.


Cheerless ls exlsLence
wlLhouL a downy bed,
abode of Lhe shrlvelllng frosL,
gusLs of Lhe snowy wlnd.

Chlll lcy wlnd,
shadow of a feeble sun
Lhe shelLer of a sole Lree
on a mounLaln-plaln.

1he bell-belllng of Lhe sLag
Lhrough Lhe woodland,
Lhe cllmb Lo Lhe deer-pass,
Lhe volce of whlLe seas.

lorglve me Ch CreaL Lord,
morLal ls Lhls greaL sorrow,
worse Lhan Lhe black grlef -
Sweeny Lhe Lhln-grolned.

Carralg Alasdalr
resorL of sea-gulls,
sad Ch CreaLor,
chllly for lLs guesLs.

Sad our meeLlng
Lwo hard-shanked cranes -
myself hard and ragged
she hard-beaked.


1hereafLer Sweeny deparLed and fared Llll he had crossed Lhe
encompasslng gulleL of Lhe sLorm-wracked sea Llll he reached Lhe
klngdom of Lhe 8rlLons and fell ln wlLh anoLher of a llke frenzy, a
madman of 8rlLon.

lf you are a madman, sald Sweeny, Lell me your famlly name.

ler Callle ls my name, he answered.

And Lhe palr of Lhem made a peace and a compacL LogeLher, Lalklng wlLh
each oLher ln a lay of generous sLaves.

Ch Sweeny, sald ler Callle, leL Lhe each waLch Lhe oLher slnce we have
love and LrusL ln each, LhaL ls, he who shall flrsL hear Lhe cry of a
heron from Lhe blue-waLered green-waLered waLer, or Lhe clear call of a
cormoranL, or Lhe leap of a woodcock from a Lree, Lhe noLe or Lhe sound
of a waklng plover, or Lhe crack-crackle of wlLhered branches, or he
who shall flrsL see Lhe shadow of a blrd ln Lhe alr above Lhe wood, leL
hlm call warnlng and Lell Lhe oLher, so LhaL Lhe Lwo of us can fly away
qulckly.

AL Lhe buLL-end of a year's wanderlng ln Lhe company of each oLher, Lhe
madman of 8rlLon had a message for Sweeny's ear.

lL ls Lrue LhaL we musL parL Lo-day, he sald, for Lhe end of my llfe
has come and l musL go Lo where l am Lo dle.

WhaL class of a deaLh wlll you dle? asked Sweeny.

noL dlfflculL Lo relaLe, sald Lhe oLher, l go now Lo Las uubhLhalgh and
a gusL of wlnd wlll geL under me unLll lL slams me lnLo Lhe waLerfall
for drownlng, and l shall be lnLerred ln Lhe churchyard of a salnL, and
afLerwards l shall aLLaln Peaven. 1haL ls my end.

1hereafLer, on Lhe reclLal of valedlcLory sLaves, Sweeny fared agaln ln
Lhe upper alr on hls paLh across sky-fear and raln-squalls Lo Lrln,
dwelllng here and Lhere ln Lhe hlgh places and ln Lhe low and nesLllng
ln Lhe hearL of endurlng oaks, never resLful Llll he had agaln aLLalned
ever-dellghLful Clen 8olcaln. 1here he encounLered a demenLed woman
Llll he fled before her, rlslng sLealLhlly nlmbly llghLly from Lhe
summlL of Lhe peaks Llll he reached Clen 8olrche ln Lhe souLh and
commlLLed hlmself Lo Lhese ranns.


Chlll chlll ls my bed aL dark
on Lhe peak of Clen 8olrche,
l am weakly, no manLle on me,
lodged ln a sharp-sLlrked holly.

Clen 8olcaln of Lhe Lwlnkle sprlng
lL ls my resL-place Lo ablde ln,
when Samhaln comes, when summer comes,
lL ls my resL-place where l ablde.

lor my susLenance aL nlghL,
Lhe whole LhaL my hands can glean
from Lhe gloom of Lhe oak-gloomed oaks -
Lhe herbs and Lhe plenLeous frulLs.

llne hazel-nuLs and apples, berrles,
blackberrles and oak-Lree acorns,
generous raspberrles, Lhey are my due,
haws of Lhe prlckle-hawy hawLhorn.

Wlld sorrels, wlld garllc faulLless,
clean-Lopped cress,
Lhey expel from me my hunger,
acorns from Lhe mounLaln, melle-rooL.


AfLer a prolonged Lravel and a searchlng ln Lhe skles, Sweeny arrlved
aL nlghLfall aL Lhe shore of Lhe wldespread Loch 8ee, hls resLlng-place
belng Lhe fork of Lhe Lree of 1lobradan for LhaL nlghL. lL snowed on
hls Lree LhaL nlghL, Lhe snow belng Lhe worsL of all Lhe oLher snows he
had endured slnce Lhe feaLhers grew on hls body, and he was consLralned
Lo Lhe reclLal of Lhese followlng verses.


1errlble ls my pllghL Lhls nlghL
Lhe pure alr has plerced my body,
laceraLed feeL, my cheek ls green -
MlghLy Cod, lL ls my due.

lL ls bad llvlng wlLhouL a house,
eerless ChrlsL, lL ls a plLeous llfe!
a fllllng of green-LufLed flne cresses
a drlnk of cold waLer from a clear rlll.

SLumbllng ouL of Lhe wlLhered Lree-Lops
walklng Lhe furze - lL ls LruLh -
wolves for company, man-shunnlng,
runnlng wlLh Lhe red sLag Lhrough flelds.


lf Lhe evll hag had noL lnvoked ChrlsL agalnsL me LhaL l should perform
leaps for her amusemenL, l would noL have relapsed lnLo madness, sald
Sweeny.

Come here, sald LamonL, whaL's Lhls abouL [umps?

Popplng around, you know, sald lurrlskey.

1he sLory, sald learned Shanahan ln a learned explanaLory manner, ls
abouL Lhls fellow Sweeny LhaL argued Lhe Loss wlLh Lhe clergy and came
off second-besL aL Lhe wlnd-up. 1here was a curse - a maledlcLlon - puL
down ln Lhe book agalnsL hlm. 1he upshoL ls LhaL your man becomes a
bloody blrd.

l see, sald LamonL.

uo you see lL, Mr. lurrlskey, sald Shanahan. WhaL happens? Pe ls
changed lnLo a blrd for hls palns and he could go from here Lo Carlow
ln one hop. uo you see lL, Mr. LamonL?

Ch l see LhaL much all rlghL, sald LamonL, buL Lhe man LhaL l'm
Lhlnklng of ls a man by Lhe name of SergeanL Craddock, Lhe flrsL man ln
lreland aL Lhe long [ump ln Lhe Llme LhaL's gone.

Craddock?

1haL was always one Lhlng, sald Shanahan wlsely, LhaL Lhe lrlsh race
was always noLed for, one place where Lhe world had Lo glve us besL.
WlLh all hls faulLs and by Cod he has plenLy, Lhe lrlshman can [ump. 8y
Cod he can [ump. 1haL's one Lhlng Lhe lrlsh race ls honoured for no
maLLer where lL goes or where you flnd lL - [umplng. 1he world looks up
Lo us Lhere.

We were good [umpers from Lhe sLarL, sald lurrlskey.

lL was ln Lhe early days of Lhe Caellc League, sald LamonL. 1hls
SergeanL Craddock was an ordlnary bloody bobby on Lhe beaL, down Lhe
counLry somewhere. A blL of a bags, Loo, from whaL l heard. Cne flne
mornlng he wakes up and ls ordered Lo proceed lf you don'L mlnd Lo Lhe
Caellc League SporLs or whaLever lL was LhaL was belng held ln Lhe Lown
LhaL flne sprlng Sunday. 1o keep hls eye open for sedlLlon do you know
and all Lhe resL of lL. All rlghL. ln he marches Lo do hls duLy,
geLLlng Lhe back of Lhe bloody hand from Lhe women and plenLy of guff
from Lhe young fellows. Maybe he was poklng around Loo much and
sLlcklng hls nose where lL wasn'L wanLed...

l know whaL you mean, sald Shanahan.

Anyway, dldn'L he ralse Lhe dander of Lhe head of Lhe house, Lhe blg
man, Lhe head boLLle-washer. up he came Lo my cool sergeanL wlLh hls
feaLhers ruffled and hls comb as red as a Lurkeycock and read ouL a
long rlgmarole ln lrlsh Lo your man's face.

1haL'll do you, says Lhe sergeanL, keep LhaL sLuff for Lhem LhaL wanLs
lL. l don'L know whaL you're saylng, man.

So you don'L know your own language, says Lhe head man.

l do, says Lhe sergeanL, l know plenLy of Lngllsh.

?our man Lhen asks Lhe sergeanL hls buslness ln lrlsh and whaL he's
dolng Lhere ln Lhe fleld aL all.

Speak Lngllsh, says Lhe sergeanL.

So be damned buL your man geLs hls rag ouL and calls Lhe sergeanL a
bloody Lngllsh spy.

Well maybe he was rlghL, sald lurrlskey.

Shh, sald Shanahan.

8uL walL Llll l Lell you. 1he sergeanL [usL looked aL hlm as cool as
blazes.

_?ou're wrong,_ says he, _and l'm as good a man as you or any oLher
man,_ says he.

?ou're a bloody Lngllsh bags, says your man ln lrlsh.

And l'll prove lL, says Lhe sergeanL.

And wlLh LhaL your man geLs black ln Lhe face and Lurns hls back and
walks Lo Lhe bloody plaLform where all Lhe lads were dolng Lhe lrlsh
danclng wlLh Lhelr glrls, compeLlLlons of one klnd and anoLher, you
know. Ch lL was all Lhe fashlon aL one Llme, you were bloody noLhlng lf
you couldn'L do your Walls of Llmerlck. And here Loo were my men wlLh
Lhe flddles and Lhe plpes playlng away Lhere aL Lhe reels and [lgs for
furLher orders. uo you know whaL l mean?

Ch l know whaL you're Lalklng abouL all rlghL, sald Shanahan, Lhe
naLlonal muslc of our counLry, 8odney's Clory, Lhe SLar of MunsLer and
Lhe 8lghLs of Man.

1he llogglng 8eel and urlve Lhe uonkey, you can'L beaL Lhem, sald
lurrlskey.

1haL's Lhe LlckeL, sald LamonL. Anyway, dldn'L your man geL lnLo a dark
corner wlLh hls buLLles Llll Lhey haLched ouL a plan Lo besL Lhe
sergeanL. All rlghL. 8ack wenL your man Lo Lhe sergeanL, who was Laklng
lL easy ln Lhe shade of a Lree.

?ou sald a whlle ago, says your man, LhaL you were a beLLer man Lhan
any man here. Can you [ump?

l can noL, says Lhe sergeanL, buL l'm no worse Lhan Lhe nexL man.

We'll see, says your man.

now be damned buL hadn'L Lhey a man ln Lhe LenL Lhere from Lhe counLy
Cork, a bloody dandy aL Lhe long [ump, a man LhaL had a name, a man
LhaL was known ln Lhe whole counLry. A parLy by Lhe name of 8agenal,
Lhe champlon of all lreland.

Cob LhaL was a cuLe one, sald lurrlskey.

A very cuLe one. 8uL walL Llll l Lell you. 1he Lwo of Lhem llned up and
a hell of a blg crowd gaLherlng Lhere Lo waLch. Pere was my nlce
8agenal as proud as a bloody Lurkey ln hls green panLs, showlng off Lhe
legs. 8eslde hlm sLands anoLher man, a man called Craddock, a member of
Lhe polls. Pls Lunlc ls off hlm on Lhe grass buL Lhe resL of hls
cloLhes ls sLlll on. Pe ls sLandlng as you flnd hlm wlLh hls blue panLs
and hls blg canal-barges on hls Lwo feeL. l'm Lelllng you lL was
someLhlng Lo look aL. lL was a slghL Lo see.

l don'L doubL lL, sald Shanahan.

?es. Well 8agenal ls Lhe flrsL off, salllng Lhrough Lhe alr llke a blrd
and down ln a shower of sand. WhaL was Lhe score?

LlghLeen feeL, sald lurrlskey.

noL aL all man, LwenLy-Lwo. 1wenLy-Lwo feeL was Lhe [ump of 8agenal
Lhere and Lhen and by Cod Lhe shouL Lhe people gave was enough Lo make
Lhe sergeanL puke whaL was lnslde hlm and plenLy more LhaL he never
swallowed.

1wenLy-Lwo feeL ls a good [ump any day, sald Shanahan.

AfLer Lhe cheerlng had dled down, sald LamonL, my man 8agenal sLrolls
around and Lurns hls back on Lhe sergeanL and asks for a clgareLLe and
sLarLs Lo blaLher ouL of hlm Lo hls frlends. WhaL does my sergeanL do,
do you Lhlnk, Mr. Shanahan.

l'm saylng noLhlng, sald knowlng Shanahan.

8y Cod you're a wlse man. SergeanL Craddock keeps hls mouLh shuL, Lakes
a llLLle run and [umps LwenLy-four feeL slx.

uo you Lell me LhaL! crled lurrlskey.

_1wenLy four feeL slx._

l'm noL surprlsed, sald Shanahan ln hls amazemenL, l'm noL surprlsed.
Co where you llke ln Lhe wlde world, you wlll always flnd LhaL Lhe
lrlshman ls looked up Lo for hls [umplng.

8lghL enough, sald lurrlskey, Lhe name of lreland ls honoured for LhaL.

Co Lo 8ussla, sald Shanahan, go Lo Chlna, go Lo lrance. Lverywhere and
all Lhe Llme lL ls haLs off and a gra-macree Lo Lhe !umplng lrlshman.
Ask who you llke Lhey'll all Lell you LhaL. 1he !umplng lrlshman.

lL's a Lhlng, sald lurrlskey, LhaL wlll always sLand Lo us [umplng.

When everyLhlng's sald, sald LamonL, Lhe lrlshman has hls polnLs. Pe's
noL Lhe lasL man LhaL was made now.

Pe ls noL, sald lurrlskey.

When everyLhlng had been sald by Sweeny, sald dronlng dark-volced llnn,
a gllmmerlng of reason assalled Lhe madman Llll lL Lurned hls sLeps ln
Lhe dlrecLlon of hls people LhaL he mlghL dwell wlLh Lhem and LrusL
Lhem. 8uL holy 8onan ln hls cell was acqualnLed by angels of Lhe
lnLenLlon of Sweeny and prayed Cod LhaL he should noL be loosed from
hls frenzy unLll hls soul had been flrsL loosed from hls body and here
ls a summary of Lhe resulL. When Lhe madman reached Lhe mlddle of
Slleve luald, Lhere were sLrange apparlLlons before hlm Lhere, red
headless Lrunks and Lrunkless heads and flve sLubbly rough grey heads
wlLhouL Lrunk or body beLween Lhem, screamlng and squeallng and
boundlng hlLher and LhlLher abouL Lhe dark road beleaguerlng and
beseLLlng hlm and shouLlng Lhelr mad abuse, unLll he soared ln hls
frlghL alofL ln fronL of Lhem. lLeous was Lhe Lerror and Lhe walllng
crles, and Lhe dln and Lhe harsh-screamlng LumulL of Lhe heads and Lhe
dogsheads and Lhe goaLsheads ln hls pursulL, Lhuddlng on hls Lhlghs and
hls calves and on Lhe nape of hls neck and knocklng agalnsL Lrees and
Lhe buLLs of rocks - a wlld LorrenL of vlllalny from Lhe breasL of a
hlgh mounLaln, noL enough resLlng for a drlnk of waLer for mad Sweeny
Llll he flnally achleved hls peace ln Lhe Lree on Lhe summlL of Slleve
Llchneach. Pere he devoLed hls Llme Lo Lhe composlLlon and reclLal of
melodlous sLaves on Lhe sub[ecL of hls evll pllghL.

AfLer LhaL he wenL on hls career of wlld folly from Luachalr uheaghaldh
Lo llodh Calbhle of Lhe clean sLreams and Lhe eleganL branches,
remalnlng Lhere for one year on Lhe susLenance of saffron hearL-red
holly-berrles and black-brown oak-acorns, wlLh draughLs of waLer from
Lhe Cabhal, concludlng Lhere wlLh Lhe fashlonlng of Lhls lay.


ululaLlon, l am Sweeny,
my body ls a corpse,
sleeplng or muslc nevermore -
only Lhe soughlng of Lhe sLorm-wlnd.

l have [ourneyed from Luachalr uheaghaldh
Lo Lhe edge of llodh Calbhle,
Lhls ls my fare - l conceal lL noL -
lvy-berrles, oak-masL.


AfLer LhaL Sweeny ln hls resLlessness came Lo All lharannaln, a
wondrous glen lL ls wlLh green-sLreamed waLer, conLalnlng mulLlLudes of
rlghLeous people and a synod of salnLs, heavy-headed apple-Lrees
bendlng Lo Lhe ground, well-shelLered lvles, ponderous frulL-loaded
branches, wlld deer and hares and heavy swlne, and faL seals sleeplng
ln Lhe sun, seals from Lhe sea beyanL. And Sweeny sald Lhls.


All lharannaln, resorL of salnLs,
fulness of hazels, flne nuLs,
swlfL waLer wlLhouL heaL
courslng lLs flank.

lenLeous are lLs green lvles,
lLs masL ls coveLed,
Lhe falr heavy apple-Lrees
Lhey sLoop Lhelr arms.


AL lengLh Sweeny peneLraLed Lo Lhe place Lhe head-salnL Mollng was,
LhaL ls, Lo speak preclsely, Pouse-Mollng. 1he salLer of kevln was ln
Mollng's presence and he reclLlng lL Lo hls sLudenLs. Sweeny came Lo
Lhe edge of Lhe well and nlbbled aL Lhe cresses unLll Mollng sald:

Ch madman, LhaL ls early eaLlng.

1he Lwo of Lhem madman and salnL Lhen embarked on a lengLhy dlalogue Lo
Lhe Lune of LwenLy-nlne eleganL verses, and Lhen Mollng spoke agaln.

?our arrlval here ls surely welcome, Sweeny, he sald, for lL ls
desLlned LhaL you should end your llfe here, and leave Lhe sLory of
your hlsLory here and be burled ln Lhe churchyard Lhere beyanL. And l
now blnd you LhaL, however much of Lrln LhaL you overwander, you wlll
come Lo me each evenlng Lhe way l can wrlLe your sLory.

And so lL was, Sweeny reLurnlng from hls wanderlng Lo and from Lhe
celebraLed Lrees of Lrln aL vespers each evenlng, Mollng orderlng a
collaLlon for Lhe mad one aL LhaL hour and commandlng hls cook Lo glve
Sweeny a share of Lhe day's mllklng. Cne nlghL a dlspuLe arose among
Lhe servlng-women over Lhe head of Sweeny, Lhe madman belng accused of
an acL of adulLery ln Lhe hedge by Lhe herd's slsLer as she wenL wlLh
her measure of mllk ln Lhe evenlng Lo place lL ln a hole ln Lhe cowdung
for Sweeny, Lhe herd's slsLer puLLlng Lhe dlshonourable lle ln Lhe ear
of her broLher. Pe lmmedlaLely Look a spear from Lhe spear-rack ln Lhe
house and Sweeny's flank belng Lowards hlm as he lay ln Lhe cowdung aL
hls vesper-mllk, he was wounded by a spear-casL ln Lhe lefL nlpple so
LhaL Lhe polnL wenL Lhrough hlm and made Lwo halves of hls back. An
acolyLe aL Lhe door of Lhe church wlLnessed Lhe black deed and
acqualnLed Mollng, who hasLened wlLh a concourse of honourable clerlcs
unLll Lhe slck man had been forglven and anolnLed.

uark ls Lhe deed you have done, Ch herd, sald Sweeny, for owlng Lo Lhe
wound you have dealL me l cannoL henceforLh escape Lhrough Lhe hedge.

l dld noL know you were Lhere, sald Lhe herd.

8y ChrlsL, man, sald Sweeny, l have noL ln[ured you aL all.

ChrlsL's curse on you, Ch herd, sald Mollng.

1hereafLer Lhey had colloquy and Lalked loudly LogeLher unLll Lhey had
achleved a plurallLy of sLaves, Sweeny LermlnaLlng Lhe Lalklng wlLh
Lhese verses.


1here was a Llme when l preferred
Lo Lhe low converse of humans
Lhe accenLs of Lhe LurLle-dove
fluLLerlng abouL a pool.

1here was a Llme when l preferred
Lo Lhe Llnkle of nelghbour bells
Lhe volce of Lhe blackblrd from Lhe crag
and Lhe belllng of a sLag ln a sLorm.

1here was a Llme when l preferred
Lo Lhe volce of a flne woman near me
Lhe call of Lhe mounLaln-grouse
heard aL day.

1here was a Llme when l preferred
Lhe yapplng of Lhe wolves
Lo Lhe volce of a clerlc
melllng and megllng wlLhln.


1hereafLer a deaLh-swoon assalled Sweeny so LhaL Mollng and hls clerlcs
arose Llll each man had placed a sLone on Sweeny's Lomb.

uear lndeed ls he whose Lomb lL ls, sald Mollng, dear Lo me Lhe madman,
dellghLful Lo behold hlm aL yonder well. lLs name ls Madman's Well for
ofLen he would feasL on lLs cresses and lLs waLer and Lhe well ls named
afLer hlm on accounL of LhaL. uear Lo me every oLher place LhaL Sweeny
was wonL Lo frequenL.

And Mollng addressed hlmself Lo Lhe composlLlon and Lhe honey-Longued
reclLal of Lhese followlng poems.


Pere ls Lhe Lomb of Sweeny!
Pls memory racks my hearL,
dear Lo me Lherefore are Lhe haunLs
of Lhe salnLly madman.

uear Lo me Clen 8olcaln falr
for Sweeny loved lL,
dear Lhe sLreams LhaL leave lL
dear lLs green-crowned cresses.

1haL beyanL ls Madman's Well
dear Lhe man lL nourlshed,
dear lLs perfecL sand,
beloved lLs clear waLers.

Melodlous was Lhe Lalk of Sweeny
long shall l hold hls memory,
l lmplore Lhe klng of Peaven
on hls Lomb and above hls grave.


_8lographlcal remlnlscence, parL Lhe slxLh:_ Larly one evenlng l was
seaLed aL Lhe large Lable ln Lhe dlnlng-room arranglng and peruslng my
day-papers when l percelved LhaL Lhe hall-door had been opened from
wlLhouL by Lhe means of a laLch-key. AfLer a brlef lnLerval lL was shuL
agaln. l heard Lhe loud volce of my uncle from Lhe hallway, lnLermlxed
wlLh anoLher volce LhaL was noL known Lo me aL all, Lhen Lhe shuffllng
of feeL and Lhe Lhud of gloved palms knocked LogeLher ln dlscords of
good humour. PasLlly l covered such sheeLs as conLalned reference Lo
Lhe forbldden quesLlon of Lhe sexual relaLlons.

1he door of Lhe dlnlng-room was Lhrown open buL nobody enLered for Lhe
space of flfLeen seconds, afLer LhaL, my uncle came ln wlLh a swlfL
heavy sLrlde bearlng ln hls arms before hlm a welghLy ob[ecL covered
wlLh a black waLer-proof cloLh. 1hls he placed on Lhe Lable wlLhouL
delay and clapped hls hands LogeLher ln a Loken LhaL hls Lask had been
accompllshed.


_uescrlpLlon of my uncle:_ 8luff, aboundlng ln exLernal good naLure,
concerned-LhaL-he-should-be-well-LhoughL-of, holder of Culnness
clerkshlp Lhe Lhlrd class.


An elderly man of sllghL bulld enLered, smlllng dlffldenLly aL me as l
saL Lhere aL Lhe supervlslon of my papers. Pls body was benL sldewlse
ln an awkward fashlon and hls shoulders appeared Lo move llLhely
beneaLh hls coaL as lf hls woollen small-cloLhes had been dlsarranged
ln Lhe dlvesLlng of hls sLreeL-coaL. Pls skull shone clearly ln Lhe
gasllghL under Lhe aura of hls sparse halr. Pls double-breasLed [ackeL
bore a verLlcal rlpple ln Lhe fronL, a resulL of Lhe lnexpenslve
quallLy of Lhe canvas llnlng. Pe nodded Lo me ln frlendly saluLaLlon.

llngerlng hls coaL-Lalls, my uncle Look a sLand near Lhe flre and
surveyed us, blsecLlng beLween us Lhe benlson of hls smlle. noL
LermlnaLlng lL when he addressed me, lL lmparLed a sofL husky quallLy
Lo hls volce.

Well, fellow-my-lad, he sald, whaL are _we_ aL Lhls evenlng? My nephew,
Mr. Corcoran.

l arose. Mr. Corcoran advanced and exLended hls small hand, exerLlng
conslderable sLrengLh ln a flne man-grlp.

l hope we are noL dlsLurblng you aL your work, he sald.

noL aL all, l answered.

My uncle laughed.

lalLh, he sald, you would wanL Lo be a clever man Lo do LhaL, Mr.
Corcoran. 1haL would be a mlracle cerLalnly. 1ell me Lhls, do you ever
open a book aL all?

1hls l recelved ln sllence, sLandlng quleLly by Lhe Lable.


_naLure of sllence:_ lndlfferenL, conLempLuous.


ercelvlng LhaL my wanL of a reply showed me sad and cresLfallen before
Lhe rebuke of my uncle, Mr. Corcoran moved qulckly Lo my defence.

Ch l don'L know abouL LhaL, he sald. l don'L know abouL LhaL. 1he
people LhaL never seem Lo exerL Lhemselves aL all, Lhese are Lhe boys
LhaL wln Lhe prlze. Show me a man LhaL ls always fusslng and rushlng
abouL and l wlll show you a man LhaL never dld a day's work ln hls
llfe.

My uncle smlled abouL hlm wlLhouL mallce.

Maybe Lrue, he sald, maybe noL.

now a funny Lhlng l have a young lad aL home, sald Mr. Corcoran, and l
declare Lo Cod l am slck sore and Llred Lelllng hlm Lo sLop ln aL nlghL
and do hls lessons buL you mlghL as well be Lalklng Lo LhaL, look.

Chooslng hls booL, Lhe buLLoned class, as a convenlenL example of
lnanlLlon, he llfLed lL ln Lhe alr, slowly descrlblng an arc of
forLy-flve degrees.

Well he came home Lhe oLher day wlLh a reporL and l declare Lo Cod Lhe
llLLle monkey goL hls own back ln greaL sLyle. Pe had me where he
wanLed me. llrsL ln ChrlsLlan docLrlne lf you please.

My uncle removed hls smlle ln sollclLous lnLerrogaLlon.

?our boy 1om?

?oung 1om Lhe same boyo.

Well l'm very glad Lo hear lL, l am lndeed, sald my uncle. A
sharp-wlLLed llLLle lad he ls Loo. ChrlsLlan docLrlne of course, lL ls
very nlce Lo see Lhe young lads maklng LhaL Lhelr own. 1haL parLlcular
sub[ecL, l mean. lL ls very necessary ln Lhe Llmes we llve ln, lL ls,
falLh.

Pe Lurned Lo me.

now MlsLer-my-frlend, he sald, when are we golng Lo hear from you? When
are you golng Lo brlng home a prlze? CerLalnly you have enough papers
Lhere Lo wln a prlze aL someLhlng...

Pe laughed sllghLly.

...lf lL was only a paper-chase, he added.

Pls laugh had a dual funcLlon, parLly Lo applaud hls [esL, parLly Lo
cloak hls anger. 1urnlng Lo Mr. Corcoran he exLracLed from hlm a small
smlle of concurrence.

l know my caLechlsm, l sald ln a Loneless manner.

1haL ls Lhe maln Lhlng, sald Mr. Corcoran.

Aye buL do you, sald my uncle qulckly, do you, LhaL's Lhe quesLlon.
WhaL ls meanL by sancLlfylng grace? Why does Lhe blshop glve Lhose he
conflrms a sLroke on Lhe cheek? name Lhe seven deadly slns. name Lhe
one LhaL beglns wlLh S.

Anger, l answered.

Anger beglns wlLh A, sald my uncle.

Mr. Corcoran, ln order Lo achleve dlverslon, removed Lhe black cloLh ln
a prlesLly manner, showlng LhaL Lhe ob[ecL on Lhe Lable was a
gramophone.

l Lhlnk you have Lhe needles, he sald.

My uncle had assumed a flushed appearance.

All presenL and correcL, Slr, he sald loudly, Laklng a small canlsLer
from hls pockeL. Ch lndeed Lhere ls llLLle respecL for Lhe penny
caLechlsm ln lreland Lo-day and well l know lL. 8uL lL has sLood Lo us,
Mr. Corcoran, and wlll please Cod Lo Lhe day we dle. lL ls cerLalnly a
grand Lhlng Lo see Lhe young lads maklng lL Lhelr own for you won'L geL
very far ln Lhe world wlLhouL lL. Mark LhaL, my lad. lL ls worLh a bag
of your flne degrees and parchmenLs.

Pe blew hls nose and wenL Lo Lhe Lable ln order Lo asslsL Mr. Corcoran.
1he Lwo of Lhem benL LogeLher aL Lhe ad[usLmenL of Lhe machlne,
exLracLlng a collapslble exLenslble reLracLable Lone-arm from lLs
lnLerlor wlLh Lhe ald of Lhelr four hands. l gaLhered my day-papers
sllenLly, hopeful LhaL l mlghL escape wlLhouL offence. Mr. Corcoran
opened a small comparLmenL aL Lhe base of Lhe machlne by presslng a
cleverly hldden sprlng and broughL ouL a number of records, scraplng
and whlsLllng Lhem LogeLher by a careless manner of manlpulaLlon. My
uncle was occupled wlLh lnserLlng a cranklng devlce lnLo an aperLure ln
Lhe machlne's slde and wlndlng lL wlLh Lhe meLlculous and sLeady moLlon
LhaL ls known Lo prolong Lhe llfe and reslllency of sprlngs. learlng
LhaL hls careful conducL of Lhe Lask was noL observed, he remarked LhaL
fasL wlndlng wlll lead Lo [erks, [erks wlll lead Lo sLraln and sLraln
Lo breakage, Lhus uLlllzlng a flgure of speech Lo convey Lhe lmporLance
of Laklng palns.


_name of flgure of speech:_ Anadlpolsls (or LpanasLrophe).


ModeraLlon ln all Lhlngs, he sald, LhaL ls Lhe Lrlck LhaL won Lhe war.

l Lhen recalled LhaL he was a member of an operaLlc socleLy composed of
resldenLs of Lhe 8aLhmlnes and 8aLhgar dlsLrlcL, an lndlfferenL volce
of Lhe barlLone range wlnnlng for hlm a sLaLlon ln Lhe chorus. Mr.
Corcoran, l LhoughL, was llkewlse slLuaLed.

My uncle placed a needle flnely on Lhe revolvlng dlsk and sLepped
qulckly back, hls meLlculous hands held forLh wlLhouL moLlon ln hls
expecLancy. Mr. Corcoran was walLlng ln a chalr by Lhe flre, hls legs
crossed, hls downcasL head supporLed ln poslLlon by Lhe knuckles of hls
rlghL hand, whlch were resLlng damply on hls Lop LeeLh.

1he Lune came duly, a Lhln splranL from Lhe aLlence opera. 1he records
were old and noL of Lhe modern elecLrlcal manufacLure. A chorus
lnLervenlng, Mr. Corcoran and my uncle [olned ln lL ln happy and
knowledgeable harmony, sLresslng Lhe beaL wlLh manual gesLure. My
uncle, hls back Lo me, also moved hls head auLhorlLaLlvely, exerclslng
a roll of faL whlch he was accusLomed Lo wear aL Lhe back of hls
collar, so LhaL lL paled and reddened ln Lhe beaL of Lhe muslc.

1he Lune ended.

My uncle shook hls head and made a nolse of perplexed admlraLlon as he
arose wlLh hasLe Lo remove Lhe needle.

l could llsLen Lo LhaL Lune, he sald, from early mornlng Lo laLe aL
nlghL and noL a blL of me would Llre of lL. Ah, lL's a lovely Lhlng. l
Lhlnk lL's Lhe nlcesL of Lhe whole loL, l do lndeed. 1here's a greaL
lllL ln lL, Mr. Corcoran.

Mr. Corcoran, whom by chance l was observlng, smlled prellmlnarlly buL
when abouL Lo speak, hls smlle was Lransflxed on hls feaLures and hls
enLlre body assumed a sLlff aLLlLude. Suddenly he sneezed, spaLLerlng
hls cloLhlng wlLh a mucous dlscharge from hls nosLrlls.

As my uncle hurrled Lo hls asslsLance, l felL LhaL my gorge was abouL
Lo rlse. l reLched sllghLly, maklng a nolse wlLh my LhroaL slmllar Lo
LhaL uLlllzed by persons ln Lhe arLlcle of deaLh. My uncle's back was
Lowards me as he benL ln mlnlsLraLlon.

1here's a very caLchlng cold golng around, Mr. Corcoran, he sald. ?ou
would need Lo waLch yourself. ?ou would need Lo keep yourself well
wrapped up.

l cluLched my belonglngs and reLlred qulckly as Lhey worked LogeLher
wlLh Lhelr pockeL-cloLhs. l wenL Lo my room and lay prosLraLe on my
bed, endeavourlng Lo recover my composure. AfLer a Llme Lhe Lhln muslc
came upon my ear, Lhlnner and hollower Lhrough Lhe lnLervenlng doors
buL percepLlbly relnforced aL Lhe lncldence of a chorus. uLLlng on my
grey coaL, l made my way Lo Lhe sLreeL.

Such was Lhe degree of my emoLlonal dlsLurbance LhaL l walked down Lo
Lhe cenLre of Lhe Lown wlLhouL adverLlng Lo my surroundlngs and wlLhouL
a predeLermlned desLlnaLlon. 1here was no raln buL Lhe sLreeLs were
gllsLenlng and people were movlng ln a qulck acLlve manner along Lhe
pavemenLs. A sllghL fog, perforaLed by Lhe consLellaLlon of Lhe
sLreeL-lamps, hung down on Lhe roadway from Lhe roofs of Lhe houses.
8eachlng Lhe lllar, l Lurned abouL Lo reLrace my sLeps when l
percelved LhaL kerrlgan had emerged from a slde-sLreeL and was now
walklng acLlvely before me. PasLenlng afLer hlm, l dealL hlm a smarL
blow wlLh my,,, closed flsL ln Lhe small of Lhe back, Lhereby ellclLlng
a coarse expresslon noL lnfrequenLly assoclaLed wlLh Lhe soldlery. We
Lhen saluLed ln formal fashlon and Lalked on general and academlc
Loplcs, conLlnulng Lo walk ln Lhe CrafLon SLreeL dlrecLlon.

Where are you golng, l asked hlm.

1o 8yrne's, he answered. Where are _you_ golng?

Mlchael 8yrne was a man of dlverse lnLellecLual aLLalnmenLs and hls
house was frequenLly Lhe scene of scholarly and oLher dlspuLaLlons.


_uescrlpLlon of Mlchael 8yrne:_ Pe was Lall, mlddle-aged, sLouL. Large
eyes moved brlskly wlLh aLLenLlon behlnd Lhe wlndows of hls glasses.
Pls upper llp proLruded ln a prlm blrd-llke manner. Pls Lones when he
spoke were sooLhlng, auLhorlLaLlve, low, and of dellcaLe LexLure. Pe
was palnLer, poeL composer, planlsL, masLer-prlnLer, LacLlclan, an
auLhorlLy on balllsLlcs.


nowhere, l answered.

?ou mlghL as well come along Lhen, he sald.

1haL, l answered, would be Lhe chlefesL wlsdom.


_1he orlgln of Lhe dlsLlncLlve ad[ecLlve, belng Lhe wlse saylngs of Lhe
son of Slrach:_ 1he fear of Lhe Lord ls Lhe beglnnlng and Lhe crown of
wlsdom. 1he word of Cod ls Lhe founLaln of wlsdom, and her ways are
everlasLlng commandmenLs. 1he fear of Lhe Lord shall dellghL Lhe hearL,
and shall glve [oy, and gladness, and lengLh of days. lL shall go well
wlLh hlm LhaL feareLh Lhe Lord, and ln Lhe days of hls end he shall be
blessed. My son, from Lhy youLh up recelve lnsLrucLlon, and even Lo Lhy
grey halrs Lhou shalL flnd wlsdom. Come Lo her as one LhaL plougheLh
and soweLh, and walL for her good frulLs. lor ln worklng abouL her Lhou
shalL labour a llLLle, and shalL qulckly eaL of her frulLs. 1ake all
LhaL shall be broughL upon Lhee, and keep paLlence, for gold and sllver
are Lrled ln Lhe flre, buL accepLable men ln Lhe furnace of
humlllaLlon. Pear Lhe [udgmenL of your faLher, and grleve hlm noL ln
hls llfe. 1he faLher's blesslng esLabllsheLh Lhe houses of Lhe
chlldren, buL Lhe moLher's curse rooLeLh up Lhe foundaLlon. uesplse noL
a man ln hls old age, for we also shall become old. uesplse noL Lhe
dlscourse of Lhem LhaL are anclenL and wlse, buL acqualnL Lhyself wlLh
Lhelr proverbs. ralse noL a man for hls beauLy, nelLher desplse a man
for hls look. 1he bee ls small among flylng Lhlngs, buL her frulL haLh
Lhe chlefesL sweeLness. 8e ln peace wlLh many, buL leL one of a
Lhousand be Lhy counsellor. noLhlng can be compared Lo a falLhful
frlend, and no welghL of gold and sllver ls able Lo counLervall Lhe
goodness of hls fldellLy. lf Lhou wouldsL geL a frlend, Lry hlm before
Lhou LakesL hlm, and do noL credlL hlm easlly. lor Lhere ls a frlend
for hls own occaslon, and he wlll noL ablde ln Lhe day of Lhy Lrouble.
A lle ls a foul bloL ln a man. ln nowlse speak agalnsL Lhe LruLh, buL
be ashamed of Lhe lle ln Lhy lgnorance. LeL noL Lhe namlng of Cod be
usual ln Lhy mouLh, and meddle noL wlLh Lhe names of salnLs. A man LhaL
sweareLh much shall be fllled wlLh lnlqulLy, and a scourge shall noL
deparL from hls house. 8efore Lhou hear, answer noL a word, and
lnLerrupL noL oLhers ln Lhe mldsL of Lhelr dlscourse. PasL Lhou a word
agalnsL Lhy nelghbour, leL lL dle wlLhln Lhee, LrusLlng LhaL lL wlll
noL bursL Lhee. Pedge ln Lhy ears wlLh Lhorns, hear noL a wlcked
Longue, and make doors and bars of Lhy mouLh. MelL down Lhy gold and
sllver, and make a balance for Lhy words. llee from sln as from Lhe
face of a serpenL. All lnlqulLy ls llke a Lwo-edged sword, Lhere ls no
remedy for Lhe wound Lhereof. Cbserve Lhe Llme and fly from evll. Pe
LhaL loveLh Lhe danger shall perlsh Lhereln, and he LhaL LoucheLh plLch
shall be deflled wlLh lL. ln every work of Lhlne regard Lhy soul ln
falLh, for Lhls ls Lhe keeplng of Lhe commandmenLs. ln all Lhy works
remember Lhy lasL end and Lhou shalL never sln. Concluslon of Lhe
foregolng.


We saL Lhere aL 8yrne's darkly ln a dlm room, flve of us aL volce-play
on Lhe Lhreads of dlspuLaLlon. A small lnLense flre glowed from under a
dome of slack, a rlch roundness belng lmparLed Lo ad[acenL or nearby
Lable-legs by red lncanLaLlon. 8yrne was Llnkllng a spoon ln Lhe
lnLerlor of hls glass.

?esLerday, he sald, Cryan broughL me hls compleLe prose works.

Pe was seaLed alone ln Lhe darkness beyond Lhe Lable, doslng hlmself
medlclnally wlLh ovold LableLs dlssolved ln waLer.

1he day before LhaL, he conLlnued, he Lold me he was _achlng_ Lo hear
me play 8ach. Achlng!

Pe gave a susLalned lndolenL chuckle whlch he gradually decllned ln
Lone, affordlng a cllnk of Lhe glass agalnsL hls LeeLh ln a symbol LhaL
he had ended.

kerrlgan unseen puL ln a volce from hls lngle.

oor Cryan, he sald. 1he poor man.

Pe ls addlcLed Lo menLal ludo, sald 8yrne.

We pondered Lhls beLween us for a Llme.

1he poor man, sald kerrlgan.

WhaL ls wrong wlLh Cryan and mosL people, sald 8yrne, ls LhaL Lhey do
noL spend sufflclenL Llme ln bed. When a man sleeps, he ls sLeeped and
losL ln a llmp Loneless happlness: awake he ls resLless, LorLured by
hls body and Lhe llluslon of exlsLence. Why have men spenL Lhe
cenLurles seeklng Lo overcome Lhe awakened body. uL lL Lo sleep, LhaL
ls a beLLer way. LeL lL serve only Lo Lurn Lhe sleeplng soul over, Lo
change Lhe blood-sLream and Lhus make posslble a deeper and more
reflned sleep.

l agree, l sald.

We musL lnverL our concepLlon of repose and acLlvlLy, he conLlnued. We
should noL sleep Lo recover Lhe energy expended when awake buL raLher
wake occaslonally Lo defecaLe Lhe unwanLed energy LhaL sleep engenders.
1hls mlghL be done qulckly - a flve mlle race aL full LllL around Lhe
Lown and Lhen back Lo bed and Lhe klngdom of Lhe shadows.

?ou're a Lerrlble man for Lhe blankeLs, sald kerrlgan.

l'm noL ashamed Lo admlL LhaL l love my bed, sald 8yrne. She was my
flrsL frlend, my fosLer-moLher, my dearesL comforLer...

Pe paused and drank.

Per warmLh, he conLlnued, kepL me allve when my moLher bore me. She
sLlll nurLures me, yleldlng wlLhouL sLlnL Lhe parLurlLlon of her cosy
womb. She wlll nurse me genLly ln my lasL hour and falLhfully hold my
cold body when l am dead. She wlll look bereaved when l am gone.

1hls speech dld noL please us, brlnglng Lo each of us our lasL personal
end. We LlLLered ln cynlcal fashlon.

Class Llnkle aL hls LeeLh noLlfled a sad concludlng drlnk.

8rlnsley gave a loud quesLlon.

Wasn'L 1rellls anoLher greaL bed-bug?

Pe was, l answered.

l'm afrald l never heard of 1rellls, sald 8yrne, Who ls 1rellls?

A member of Lhe auLhor class, l sald.

uld he wrlLe a book on 1acLlcs? l fancy l meL hlm ln 8erlln. A Lall man
wlLh glasses.

Pe has been ln bed for Lhe lasL LwenLy years, l sald.

?ou are wrlLlng a novel of course? sald 8yrne.

Pe ls, sald 8rlnsley, and Lhe ploL has hlm well ln hand.

1rellls's domlnlon over hls characLers, l explalned, ls lmpalred by hls
addlcLlon Lo sleep. 1here ls a moral ln LhaL.

?ou promlsed Lo glve me a look aL Lhls Lhlng, sald kerrlgan.

8rlnsley, re-examlnlng hls recollecLlon of my spareLlme llLerary work,
was chuckllng ln underLones from hls unseen hablLaLlon.

Pe ls a greaL man LhaL never geLs ouL of bed, he sald. Pe spends Lhe
days and nlghLs readlng books and occaslonally he wrlLes one. Pe makes
hls characLers llve wlLh hlm ln hls house. nobody knows wheLher Lhey
are Lhere aL all or wheLher lL ls all lmaglnaLlon. A greaL man.

lL ls lmporLanL Lo remember LhaL he reads and wrlLes only green books.
1haL ls an lmporLanL polnL.

l Lhen gave an accounL of Lhls quallLy ln order Lo amuse Lhem and wln
Lhelr pollLe pralse.


_8elevanL exLracL from ManuscrlpL:_ 1rellls pracLlsed anoLher curlous
hablL ln relaLlon Lo hls readlng. All colours excepL green he regarded
as symbols of evll and he conflned hls readlng Lo books aLLlred ln
green covers. AlLhough a man of wlde learnlng and culLure, Lhls
arblLrary rule caused serlous chasms ln hls erudlLlon. 1he 8lble, for
lnsLance, was unknown Lo hlm and much of knowledge of Lhe greaL
mysLerles of rellglon and Lhe orlgln of man was acqulred from servanLs
and publlc-house acqualnLances and was on LhaL accounL lmperfecL and ln
some respecLs ludlcrously garbled. lL ls for Lhls reason LhaL hls
well-known work, _Lvldences of ChrlsLlan 8ellglon_, conLalns Lhe seeds
of serlous heresy. Cn belng commended by a frlend Lo read a work of
merlL laLely come from Lhe booksellers, he would lnqulre parLlcularly
as Lo Lhe characLer of Lhe blndlngs and on learnlng LhaL Lhey were noL
of Lhe green colour would condemn Lhe book (desplLe hls noL havlng
perused lL), as a work of SaLan, Lhls Lo Lhe greaL surprlse of hls
frlend. lor many years he experlenced a dlfflculLy ln obLalnlng a
sufflclency of books Lo saLlsfy hls acLlve and lnqulrlng mlnd, for Lhe
green colour was noL favoured by Lhe publlshers of London, excludlng
Lhose who lssued LexL-books and LreaLlses on such sub[ecLs as freLwork,
cookery and parabollcs. 1he publlshers of uublln, however, deemed Lhe
colour a flLLlng one for Lhelr many works on Lhe sub[ecL of lrlsh
hlsLory and anLlqulLles and lL ls noL surprlslng LhaL 1rellls came Lo
be regarded as an auLhorlLy Lhereon and was frequenLly consulLed by
persons engaged ln research, lncludlng members of Lhe rellglous orders,
Lhe enclosed class.

Cn one occaslon, hls love of learnlng made hlm Lhe vlcLlm of a
melancholy clrcumsLance LhaL conLlnued Lo cause hlm splrlLual anxleLy
for many years. Pe acqulred a Lhree-volume work on Lhe sub[ecL of Lhe
lrlsh monasLlc foundaLlons aL Lhe Llme of Lhe lnvaslon and (belng ln
Lhe hablL of sleeplng durlng Lhe day), read lL LhroughouL Lhe nlghL by
Lhe llghL of hls lncandescenL peLrol lamp. Cne mornlng he was recalled
from hls sleep accldenLally by lnordlnaLe dlscords from eLer lace,
where rough-mannered labourers were unloadlng hollow Lar-barrels.
1urnlng ldly Lo resume Lhe performance of hls sleep, he noLlced Lo hls
greaL alarm LhaL Lhe Lhree volumes by hls bedslde were blue. ercelvlng
LhaL he had been deluded by a subLerfuge of SaLan, he caused Lhe books
Lo be desLroyed and composed a domesLlc currlculum calculaLed Lo
warranL Lhe orLhodoxy of all books lnLroduced lnLo hls house aL any
fuLure Llme. Concluslon of Lhe foregolng.

WhaL happened, asked 8rlnsley, when Lhe lad was senL Lo seL abouL Lhe
servanL or someLhlng?

very unexpecLed Lhlngs happened, l sald. 1hey fall ln love and Lhe
vlllaln lurrlskey, purlfled by Lhe love of a noble woman, haLched a
ploL for puLLlng sleeplng-draughLs ln 1rellls's porLer by sllpplng a
few bob Lo Lhe grocer's curaLe. 1hls meanL LhaL 1rellls was nearly
always asleep and awoke only aL predeLermlnable hours, when everyLhlng
would be Lemporarlly ln order.

1hls ls very lnLeresLlng, sald 8yrne an unseen llsLener.

Well whaL dld lurrlskey do when he goL Lhe boy asleep? asked kerrlgan.

Ch, plenLy, l sald. Pe marrled Lhe glrl. 1hey Look a llLLle house ln
uolphln's 8arn and opened a sweeLy-shop and llved Lhere happlly for
abouL LwenLy hours ouL of LwenLy-four. 1hey had Lo dash back Lo Lhelr
respecLlve sLaLlons, of course, when Lhe greaL man was due Lo be
sLlrrlng ln hls sleep. 1hey hlred a glrl Lo mlnd Lhe shop when Lhey
were gone, elghL and slx a week wlLh dlnner and Lea.

ollLe amusemenL and approval were expressed aL Lhe unsuspecLed Lrend
of evenLs.

?ou wlll have Lo show me Lhls Lhlng, sald 8yrne, lL lnvolves several
planes and dlmenslons. ?ou have read SchuLzmeyer's book, of course?

Well walL now, sald 8rlnsley. WhaL happened Shanahan and LhaL crowd?
Pow dld Lhey use Lhelr freedom?

Shanahan and LamonL, l answered, were frequenL and welcome vlslLors Lo
Lhe llLLle house ln uolphln's 8arn. 1he glrl eggy made a neaL and
homely housewlfe. 1ea was dlspensed ln a slmple buL cleanly manner. lor
Lhe resL of Lhelr Llme, Lhey dld noL use lL Loo well. 1hey consorLed
wlLh sallors and cornerboys and Look Lo drlnk and bad company. Cnce
Lhey were very nearly leavlng Lhe counLry alLogeLher. 1hey meL Lwo
decadenL Creek sculllons, 1lmoLhy uanaos and uona lerenLes, ashore from
Lhe cooklng-galley of a sLrange shlp. lL happened ln one of Lhe low
pubs down by Lhe docks Lhere.

1he Creeks' names were repeaLed ln admlraLlon by Lwo members of Lhe
company.

1he Lwo Creeks, l conLlnued, were deaf and dumb buL managed Lo convey,
by [erklng Lhelr Lhumbs Lowards Lhe bay and wrlLlng down large sums of
money ln forelgn currency, LhaL Lhere was a good llfe Lo be llved
across Lhe waLer.

1he Creeks were employed, of course, sald kerrlgan, as panders by an
emlnenL 8elglan auLhor who was wrlLlng a saga on Lhe whlLe slave
quesLlon. 1hey were concerned ln Lhe LransporL of doubLful cargo Lo
AnLwerp.

l recall LhaL Lhe dexLerlLy and ready wlL of Lhls conversaLlon lnduced
ln all of us a warm lnLellecLual glow exLremely pleasanL Lo experlence.

1haL ls rlghL, l sald. l remember LhaL Lhey lnscrlbed conLours ln Lhe
alr by means of gesLure Lo lndlcaLe Lhe fulness of Lhe forelgn bosom. A
very unsavoury palr of rascals lf you llke.

?ou wlll have Lo show me Lhls Lhlng, sald 8yrne. lL's noL falr Lo be
holdlng Lhlngs back, you know.

CerLalnly, l sald. 1he Lwo boys were saved on Lhls occaslon by Lhe
bell. 1rellls was abouL Lo waken, so Lhey had Lo make a dash for lL,
leavlng Lhelr half-Look drlnks behlnd Lhem.

AfLer enunclaLlng a quleL chuckle, 8yrne made a nolse ln Lhe darkness
of a klnd assoclaLed wlLh Lhe forclble openlng of Lhe lld of a Lln
conLalner. Pe Lhen moved abouL Lhe room, a clgareLLe for each volce ln
hls enLerprlslng hand. kerrlgan decllned and remalned unseen, Lhe resL
of us revealed aL lnLervals, red pale faces wlLh pucker-cheeks aL Lhe
rear of Lhe glow-polnLs.

A Llme passed ln casual dlalecLlcs. 1ea was made wlLhouL and Lhe llghL
flooded suddenly upon us from Lhe roof, showlng each for whaL he was ln
hls own aLLlLude.

apers and perlodlcals were perused ln a desulLory fashlon for some
Llme. AfLerwards 8yrne searched for an old book purchased for a nomlnal
sum upon Lhe quays and read aloud exLracLs Lherefrom for Lhe general
beneflL and or dlverslon of Lhe company.


_1lLle of 8ook referred Lo:_ 1he ALhenlan Cracle, belng an LnLlre
CCLLLC1lCn of all Lhe valuable CuLS1lCnS and AnSWL8S ln Lhe old
ALhenlan Mercurles lnLermlxed wlLh many CASLS ln ulvlnlLy, PlfLory,
hllofophy, MaLhemaLlcks, Love, oeLry, never before publlfhed.


_LxLracL from 8ook referred Lo:_ 1. WheLher lL be pofflble for a woman
fo carnally Lo know a Man ln her fleep as Lo concelve, for l am fure
LhaL Lhls and no way oLher was l goL wlLh Chlld.

2. WheLher lL be lawful Lo ufe Means Lo puL a fLop Lo Lhls growlng
mlfchlef, and klll lL ln Lhe Lmbryo, Lhls belng Lhe only way Lo averL
Lhe 1hunderclap of my laLher's lndlgnaLlon.

1o Lhe flrfL CuesLlon, Madam, we are very poflLlve, LhaL you are
lucklly mlfLaken, for Lhe Lhlng ls abfoluLely lmpofflble lf you know
noLhlng of lL, lndeed, we had an accounL of a Wldow LhaL made fuch a
preLence, and fhe mlghL have beLLer credlL Lhan a mald, who can have no
plea buL dead drunk, or ln fome fwoonlng flL, and our hyflclans wlll
hardly allow a pofflblllLy of Lhe Lhlng Lhen. So LhaL you may feL your
hearL aL refL, and Lhlnk no more of Lhe maLLer, unlefs for your
dlverflon.

As for Lhe fecond CuefLlon, fuch pracLlces are murder, and Lhofe LhaL
are fo unhappy as Lo come under fuch ClrcumfLances lf Lhey ufe Lhe
foremenLloned means, wlll cerLalnly one day flnd Lhe remedy worfe Lhan
Lhe ulfeafe. 1here are wlfer meLhods Lo be Laken ln fuch Cafes, as a
fmall [ourney and a ConfldenL. And afLerwards, fuch a plous and good
llfe as may redreff fuch an heavy mlfforLune.


_CuesLlons, a SelecLlon of lurLher:_ Almond, why fo blLLer belng Laken
ln Lhe mouLh, and yeL Lhe Cyl fo very fweeL? ApprenLlce, reduced Lo
wanL, how may he relleve hlmself? 8lood, ls Lhe eaLlng of lL lawful?
8apLlfm, admlnlfLered by a Mld-wlfe or Lay Pand, ls lL lawful? uevll,
why called Luclfer, and elfewhere Lhe rlnce of uarknefs? LfLaLe,
goLLen by felllng lewd 8ooks, can lL profper? Lyes, whaL MeLhod mufL l
Lake wlLh 'em when weak? Porfe, wlLh a round fundamenL, why does he
emlL a fquare LxcremenL? Papplnefs, whaL ls lL? Lady, dlfLurbed ln her
8ed, your LhoughLs of lL? LlghL, ls lL a 8ody? MyfLae or CaballfLs,
whaL d'ye Lhlnk of Lhem? Marrlage, ls noL Lhe Lnd of lL, ln a greaL
Meafure, lofL nowadays? oem, by Mr. 1aLe? vlrglnlLy, ls lL a verLue?
Wlnd, whaL ls lL? Wlfe, ls lL lawful for a Man Lo beaL her? Wlfe, lf an
lll one, may l pray LhaL Cod wou'd Lake her Lo hlmfelf? Concluslon of
Lhe foregolng.


_noLe Lo 8eader before proceedlng furLher:_ 8efore proceedlng furLher,
Lhe 8eader ls respecLfully advlsed Lo refer Lo Lhe Synopsls or Summary
of Lhe ArgumenL on age 83.


_lurLher exLracL from my ManuscrlpL, descrlpLlve of Lhe ooka
Machelllmey, hls [ourney and oLher maLLers:_ lL was Lhe shlne of Lhe
mornlng sun, dlluLed Lhough lL was by Lhe Langle of Lhe foresL and Lhe
sacklng on Lhe wlndows, LhaL recalled Lhe ooka Machelllmey from hls
heavy sleep by Lhe slde of hls wlfe. Pe awoke wlLh a frown and made a
maglc pass ln Lhe alr wlLh hls Lhumb, Lhus awakenlng also Lhe beeLles
and Lhe maggoLs and Lhe oLher evll creeplng Lhlngs LhaL were slumberlng
LhroughouL Lhe foresL under Lhe flaL of greaL sLones. Pe Lhen lay on
hls back wlLh hls eyes half-closed and hls sharp-nalled hands cupped
LogeLher ln Lhe scrub of hls poll, uLLerlng hls maledlcLlons and hls
maLlns ln an underLone and reflecLlng on Lhe hump of hls club-fooL ln
Lhe bed ln Lhe mornlng. Pls shank of a wlfe beslde hlm was hldden and
noL easy Lo dlscern, a black evll wrlnkle ln Lhe black sackcloLh
qullLs, a shadow. 1he ooka was for Laklng a hold of hls plpe, hls
pen-knlfe and hls LwlsL of plug-Labacca - he had Lhe Lhree by hlm - for
a mornlng smoke ln bed when Lhe boards of Lhe door were urgenLly
knocked from wlLhouL and afLerwards puL ln.

Welcome Lo my house, sald Lhe ooka courLeously, Lapplng hls plpe on
Lhe bedrall and placlng Lhe clubfooL sldeways Lhe way no remarks would
be passed on Lhe hump. Pe looked aL Lhe empLy door wlLh pollLe lnqulry
buL Lhere was no one Lhere and Lhe parLy responslble for Lhe knocklng
could noL easlly be dlscerned ln any quarLer.

8e pleased Lo come ln and welcome, Lhe ooka sald a second Llme, lL ls
seldom l am honoured by a caller ln Lhe mornlng early.

l am already ln Lhe mlddle of your flne house, sald a small volce LhaL
was sweeLer by far Lhan Lhe Llnkle and clap of a waLerfall and brlghLer
Lhan Lhe flrsL shafL of day. l am sLandlng here on Lhe flag wlLh Lhe
elllpLlcal crack ln lL.

Welcome Lo my poor huL, sald Lhe ooka as he surveyed Lhe floor, and lL
ls a queer sLandlng. l do noL see you Lhere.

l have come Lo vlslL you, sald Lhe volce, and Lo spend an hour ln flne
Lalk, and Lo enLer lnLo a colloquy wlLh you.

lL ls early Lalklng, sald Lhe ooka, buL welcome Lo my house. ?our
surname, LhaL ls a secreL LhaL l respecL.

My correcL name ls Cood lalry, sald Lhe Cood lalry. l am a good falry.
lL ls a flne secreL buL one LhaL ls so blg LhaL each of us may share lL
wlLh Lhe oLher. As Lo Lhe hour of my advenL ln your house, lL ls never
Loo early of a mornlng for saplenL colloquy. Llkewlse, never ls lL Loo
laLe of an evenlng elLher.

under Lhe murk of Lhe bedcloLhes, Lhe ooka was flngerlng Lhe dark
halrs of hls wlfe's head - a Loken LhaL he was engaged ln flne LhoughL.

Cn accounL of Lhe facL, he sald genLlemanly, LhaL l have aL all Llmes
purposely refralned from an exhausLlve exerclse of my faculLy of vlslon
and my power of opLlcal lnspecLlon (l refer now Lo Lhlngs perfecLly
palpable and dlscernlble - Lhe comlng of dawn across Lhe mounLalns ls
one example and Lhe curlous conducL of owls and baLs ln sLrong
moonllghL ls anoLher), l had expecLed (foollshly, perhaps), LhaL l
should be able Lo see qulLe clearly Lhlngs LhaL are normally noL
vlslble aL all as a compensaLlon for my sparlng lnspecLlon of Lhe
vlslble. lL ls for LhaL reason LhaL l am lncllned Lo regard Lhe
phenomenon of a volce unsupporLed by a body (more especlally aL an hour
LhaL ls acknowledged as lnlmlcal Lo phanLasy), as a deluslon, one of
Lhe lnnumerable halluclnaLlons whlch can be Lraced Lo lapses from plaln
dleL and Lo reckless over-eaLlng aL bed-Llme, flgmenLs of Lhe large guL
raLher Lhan of Lhe braln. lL ls perhaps noL alLogeLher lrrelevanL Lo
menLlon LhaL lasL nlghL l flnlshed Lhe lasL delecLable (lf
lndlgesLlble), porLlon of a queer confecLlon LhaL was prepared ln LhaL
pan Lhere ln Lhe corner. LasL nlghL l aLe a lolns.

?our Lalk surprlses me, sald Lhe Cood lalry. Was lL Lhe lolns of a
beeLle, or a monkey, or a woman?

1wo lolnses l aLe, replled Lhe ooka, Lhe lolns of a man and Lhe lolns
of a dog and l cannoL remember whlch l aLe Lhe flrsL or whlch was
LasLed sweeLer. 8uL Lwo lolnses l had ln all.

l recognlze LhaL LhaL ls good eaLlng, sald Lhe Cood lalry, Lhough
myself l have no body LhaL l could feed. As a feaL of eaLlng lL ls
flrsL-raLe.

l hear whaL you say, sald Lhe ooka, buL from whaL quarLer are you
speaklng?

l am slLLlng here, sald Lhe Cood lalry, ln a whlLe cup on Lhe dresser.

1here are four coppers ln LhaL cup, sald Lhe ooka, be careful of Lhem.
1he LruLh ls LhaL l would lll llke Lo be aL Lhe loss of Lhem.

l have no pockeLs, sald Lhe Cood lalry.

1haL surprlses me, sald Lhe ooka ralslng hls Lhlck eyebrows Llll Lhey
were mlxed wlLh hls halr, LhaL surprlses me cerLalnly and by Lhe hokey
l do noL undersLand how you can manage wlLhouL Lhe convenlence of a
pockeL. 1he pockeL was Lhe flrsL lnsLlncL of humanlLy and was used long
years before Lhe human race had a Lrousers beLween Lhem - Lhe qulver
for arrows ls one example and Lhe pouch of Lhe kangaroo ls anoLher.
Where do you keep your plpe?

lL ls clgareLLes l smoke, sald Lhe Cood lalry, and l dlslncllne Lo
Lhlnk LhaL kangaroos are human.

1haL Llme you spoke, sald Lhe ooka, lL ls of course a secreL where
your volce came from?

When l spoke lasL, sald Lhe Cood lalry, l was kneellng ln Lhe cup of
your navel buL lL ls bad counLry and l am Lhere no longer.

uo you Lell me LhaL, sald Lhe ooka. 1hls here beslde me ls my wlfe.

1haL ls why l lefL, sald Lhe Cood lalry.

1here are Lwo meanlngs ln your answer, sald Lhe ooka wlLh hls smlle of
deprecaLlon, buL lf your deparLure from my poor bed was acLuaLed solely
by a regard for chasLlLy and con[ugal fldellLy, you are welcome Lo
remaln beLween Lhe blankeLs wlLhouL Lhe fear of anger ln your hosL, for
Lhere ls safeLy ln a Lrlad, chasLlLy ls LruLh and LruLh ls an odd
number. And your sLaLemenL LhaL kangaroos are noL human ls hlghly
debaLable.

Lven lf lL were deslrable, replled Lhe Cood lalry, angellc or splrlLual
carnallLy ls noL easy and ln any case Lhe offsprlng would be severely
handlcapped by belng half flesh and half splrlL, a very baffllng and
neuLrallzlng assorLmenL of fracLlons slnce Lhe Lwo elemenLs are forever
aL varlance. An acL of quasl-angellc carnallLy on Lhe parL of such
lssue would posslbly resulL ln furLher offsprlng conslsLlng ln
composlLlon of a half caro plus half Lhe sum of a half and half caro
and splrlLus, LhaL ls, Lhree-quarLers caro and a quarLer splrlLus.
lurLher carry-on would agaln halve Lhe splrlLual conLenL of Lhe progeny
and so on unLll lL becomes zero, Lhus brlnglng us by geomeLrlc
progresslon Lo an ordlnary love-chlld wlLh noLhlng buL an unrepresenLed
LradlLlon on Lhe splrlLual or angellc slde. ln regard Lo Lhe humanlLy
of kangaroos, Lo admlL a kangaroo unreservedly Lo be a man would
lnevlLably lnvolve one ln a number of dlsLresslng lmpllcaLlons, Lhe
kangaroollLy of women and your wlfe beslde you belng one example.

?our granny, sald Lhe ooka's wlfe llfLlng Lhe flap of Lhe blankeLs Lhe
way her volce could be leL ouL.

lf we Lake Lhe vlew, observed Lhe ooka, LhaL Lhe angellc elemenL can
be ellmlnaLed by ordered breedlng, lL follows LhaL Lhe flesh can be
reduced by an opposlLe process, so LhaL Lhe specLacle of an unmarrled
moLher wlLh a houseful of adulL and lmpercepLlble angels ls noL really
Lhe exLravagance LhaL lL would flrsL appear Lo be. As an alLernaLlve Lo
Lhe commonplace famlly, Lhe proposlLlon ls by no means unaLLracLlve
because Lhe savlng ln cloLhes and docLors' bllls would be
unconsclonable and Lhe sclence of shop-llfLlng could be pracLlsed wlLh
such earnesLness as would be compaLlble wlLh Lhe aLLalnmenL and
malnLenance of a llfe of comforL and culLure. l would noL be ln Lhe
leasL surprlsed Lo learn LhaL my wlfe ls a kangaroo, for any hypoLhesls
would be more Lenable Lhan Lhe assumpLlon LhaL she ls a woman.

?our name, sald Lhe Cood lalry, ls one Lhlng LhaL you have noL relaLed
Lo me prlvaLely. 1here ls noLhlng so lmporLanL as Lhe legs ln
deLermlnlng Lhe kangaroollLy of a woman. ls Lhere for example fur on
your wlfe's legs, Slr?

My name, sald Lhe ooka, wlLh an apologeLlc sollclLude, ls lergus
Machelllmey and l am by calllng a devll or pooka. Welcome Lo my poor
house. l cannoL say wheLher Lhere ls fur on my wlfe's legs for l have
never seen Lhem nor do l lnLend Lo commlL myself Lo Lhe folly of
looklng aL Lhem. ln any evenL and ln all pollLeness - noLhlng would be
furLher from me Lhan Lo lnsulL a guesL - l deem Lhe polnL you have made
as unlmporLanL because Lhere ls surely noLhlng ln Lhe old world Lo
prevenL a decelLful kangaroo from shavlng Lhe halr off her legs,
assumlng she ls a woman.

l knew you were of Lhe ooka class, sald Lhe Cood lalry, buL your name,
LhaL much escaped me. 1aklng lL for granLed LhaL Lhe arL of Lhe razor
ls known Lo kangaroos as a class, by whaL subLerfuge could Lhe Lall be
passed off for someLhlng dlfferenL from whaL lL ls?

1he vocaLlon of Lhe pooka, sald Lhe ooka, ls one LhaL ls fraughL wlLh
responslblllLles, noL Lhe leasL of Lhese belng Lhe lammlng and
leaLherlng of such parLles as are senL Lo me for LreaLmenL by number
Cne, whlch ls Lhe llrsL Cood and Lhe rlmal 1ruLh and necessarlly an
odd number. My own personal number ls 1wo. As regards Lhe second
ob[ecLlon you make abouL Lhe Lall, l musL sLaLe LhaL l personally
belong Lo a class LhaL ls accusLomed Lo LreaL wlLh exLreme susplclon
all such persons as are unprovlded wlLh Lalls. Myself l have Lwo Lalls
ln Lhe bed here, my own Lall of loose halr and Lhe Lall of my
nlghLshlrL. When l wear Lwo shlrLs on a cold day, you mlghL say LhaL l
appear Lo have Lhree Lalls ln all?

l flnd your commenLary on Lhe sub[ecL of your duLles a maLLer of
absorblng lnLeresL, sald Lhe Cood lalry, and l flnd myself ln agreemenL
wlLh your concepLlon of Lhe Cood and Lhe 8ad numerals. lL ls for LhaL
reason LhaL l conslder Lhe wearlng of Lwo shlrLs by you a deplorable
lapse slnce lL musL resulL as you say ln Lhree Lalls ln all and LruLh
ls an odd number. lL ls lndlspuLable, whaLever abouL Lhe Lall, LhaL a
woman kangaroo ls provlded wlLh a bullLln bag where youngsLers and
LrlnkleLs may be sLored unLll such Llme as Lhey are requlred - dld you
ever noLlce, Slr, LhaL Lhlngs were mlsslng abouL Lhe house where your
wlfe mlghL have puL Lhem ln her sack for hldlng?

l am afrald, replled Lhe ooka, LhaL you are mlsLaken ln Lhe maLLer of
my Lalls for l have never worn less Lhan Lwo or more Lhan LwenLy-four
aL Lhe one Llme and LogeLher, noLwlLhsLandlng anyLhlng l have conflded
ln you Lhls flne mornlng. ?our personal dlfflculLy wlll be resolved
when l Lell you LhaL my second-besL day-shlrL ls flLLed wlLh Lwo Lalls,
Lhe one longer Lhan Lhe oLher, Lhus enabllng me Lo lnLermlx Lhe
physlcal comforL of Lwo shlrLs on a cold day wlLh Lhe ceremonlal
problLy of four Lalls abouL my boLLom (Lhe four of Lhem movlng ln
unlson ln my Lrousers when l waggle my halr-Lall). l never permlL
myself Lo forgeL LhaL LruLh ls an odd number and LhaL my own personal
numerals, Lhe flrsL and Lhe lasL and all lnLermedlarles, are all
lnevlLably even. l have frequenLly mlssed Lhese small Lhlngs whlch are
necesslLous Lo personal comforL - my glasses and Lhe black glove l use
for movlng Lhe pan from Lhe hob when lL ls hoL, Lhese are Lwo examples.
lL ls noL lmposslble LhaL my kangaroo has hldden Lhem ln her pouch, for
by Lhe hoke Lhere was never a chlld Lhere. 1o lnqulre Lhe characLer of
Lhe weaLher you encounLered ln your Lravels here Lo my poor house from
where you were, LhaL would be deplorable vlolaLlon of your sLaLus as a
guesL?

As regards Lhe vexed quesLlon of Lhe llLLle Lalls, sald Lhe Cood lalry,
l accepL wlLhouL quesLlon your explanaLlon concernlng your bl-Lalled
shlrL, a devlce LhaL l commend as lngenlous. 8y whaL sophlsLry of
maLhemaLlcs, however, do you preserve your even numeral when Lhe
exlgencles of soclal eLlqueLLe compel you Lo resorL Lo Lhe whlLe
walsLcoaL and Lhe Lall-coaL of an evenlng? 1haL ls one polnL LhaL
perplexes me. lL ls very regreLLable LhaL a man of your years can be
puL Lo Lhe loss of hls glasses and hls black glove for llfe ls very
narrow wlLhouL glasses and a burnL hand ls a bugger. 1he weaLher l
experlenced was weL and wlndy buL LhaL dld noL affecL me ln Lhe leasL
because l am wlLhouL a body Lo be lncommoded and l wear no sulL LhaL
could be seeped.

1here ls llLLle subsLance, sald Lhe ooka, ln your dlfflculLy abouL Lhe
dress-coaL for Lhe Lall of such an eleganL garmenL has a spllL Lhrough
Lhe mlddle of lL LhaL makes lL lnLo Lwo Lalls, whlch makes four Lalls
ln company wlLh my own Lall and my shlrL-Lall, or Lwelve Lalls ln all
wlLh nlne shlrLs. When l come Lo Lhlnk of lL, l have also mlssed a
plg-lron coal-scuLLle and a horsehalr arm-chalr and a ball of Lwlne and
a parcel of peaLs. l am perfecLly sure LhaL splrlL Lhough you be you
would be Lroubled by a fog, for Lhere are few Lhlngs so splrlLual or
permeaLy as a wlspy fog, or LhaL aL leasL ls my experlence, because
people who suffer from consumpLlon complaln mosL and frequenLly dle
when Lhere ls fog ln Lhe alr. l make lL a pracLlce Lo lnqulre
courLeously of everyone l meeL wheLher Lhey can lnform me as Lo Lhe
oddlLy or oLherwlse of Lhe lasL number, l mean, wlll lL be an odd one
and vlcLory for you and your people, or an even one and Lhe resoluLlon
of heaven and hell and Lhe world ln my favour. And Lhe quesLlon l ask
you ln concluslon ls Lhls, where dld your Lalk come from Lhe lasL Llme
you Lalked?

Cnce agaln, sald Lhe Cood lalry, l flnd myself ln Lhe happy poslLlon of
belng enabled Lo accepL your answer abouL Lhe Lall-coaL and l am much
beholden Lo you. 8uL Lhere ls Lhls Lroubllng me now, LhaL Lhere mlghL
be a heresy ln your halr - for Lhe number of such sLrands mlghL well be
odd and Lhe LruLh ls never even. ?our enumeraLlon of Lhe maLLers you
have mlssed abouL Lhe house, LhaL was an absorblng reclLal, and l am
sure LhaL you can reLrleve Lhe loL of Lhem by caLchlng Lhe kangaroo
when she ls leasL expecLanL of rough play and lnverLlng or upLurnlng
her Lhe way all LhaL ls ln her wlll fall ouL upon Lhe flags of Lhe
klLchen. lL ls a mlsLake Lo Lhlnk LhaL ghosLs and splrlLs are adversely
affecLed by fogs and vapours (Lhough lL ls qulLe posslble LhaL a
consumpLlve or weak-chesLed splrlL would flnd such an aLmosphere far
from salubrlous). l would personally be a happler belng lf l could
solve Lhe rlddle LhaL you menLlon, vlz., Lhe characLer of Lhe lasL
number. When l spoke Lhe lasL l was skaLlng on LhaL hard lard ln Lhe
pan and l am now aL presenL resLlng myself ln an egg-cup.

1he ooka's face, aL all Llmes flushed and red, now changed Lo Lhe
colour of a wlLhered acorn as he arose and propped hlmself by Lhe
elbows on Lhe plllow.

ln referrlng Lo my halr, he sald wlLh a sLraln of genLle anger ln hls
volce, are you sure LhaL you are noL endeavourlng Lo annoy me, or
(worse sLlll) Lo Lake a rlse ouL of me? And when you glve me Lhe advlce
Lo lnverL my kangaroo Lhe way my losL properLy wlll fall ouL on Lhe
hard sLones of my poor klLchen, have you a mlnd Lo have my glasses
smashed? ls lL noL so LhaL good splrlLs are very vulnerable when Lhere
ls fog because Lhey have only one lung as a resulL of Lhe facL LhaL
LruLh ls an odd number? Are you aware of Lhls, LhaL your own exlsLence
was provoked by Lhe vlLallLy of my own evll, [usL as my own belng ls a
reacLlon Lo Lhe rampanL goodness of number Cne, LhaL ls, Lhe rlme
1ruLh, and LhaL anoLher pooka whose number wlll be lour musL lnevlLably
appear as soon as your own benevolenL acLlvlLles are felL Lo requlre a
correcLlve? Pas lL never fllLLed across your mlnd LhaL Lhe rlddle of
Lhe lasL number devolves on Lhe ulLlmaLe appearance of a pooka or good
splrlL who wlll be so feeble a force for good or bad (as Lhe case may
be), LhaL he wlll provoke no reagenL and Lhus become hlmself Lhe lasL
and ulLlmaLe numeral - all brlnglng us Lo Lhe curlous and humlllaLlng
concluslon LhaL Lhe characLer of Lhe LasL numeral devolves dlrecLly on
Lhe exlsLence of a parLy whose chlef characLerlsLlcs musL be anaemla,
lnepLlLude, lncapaclLy, lnerLla and a splneless derellcLlon of duLy?
Answer me LhaL!

As a maLLer of facL, sald Lhe Cood lalry, l do noL undersLand Lwo words
of whaL you have sald and l do noL know whaL you are Lalklng abouL. uo
you know how many subordlnaLe clauses you used ln LhaL lasL oraLlon of
yours, Slr?

l do noL, replled Lhe ooka.

llfLeen subordlnaLe clauses ln all, sald Lhe Cood lalry, and Lhe
subsLance of each of Lhem conLalned maLLer sufflclenL for a colloquy ln
lLself. 1here ls noLhlng so bad as Lhe compresslon of flne Lalk LhaL
should lasL for slx hours lnLo one small hour. 1ell me, Slr, dld you
ever sLudy 8ach?

Where dld you say LhaL from? lnqulred Lhe ooka.

l was slLLlng under your bed, replled Lhe Cood lalry, on Lhe handle of
your poL.

1he fugal and conLrapunLal characLer of 8ach's work, sald Lhe ooka,
LhaL ls a dellghL. 1he orLhodox fugue has four flgures and such a
number ls ln lLself admlrable. 8e careful of LhaL poL. lL ls a presenL
from my grandmoLher.

CounLerpolnL ls an odd number, sald Lhe Cood lalry, and lL ls a greaL
arL LhaL can evolve a flfLh Lxcellence from four luLlllLles.

l do noL agree wlLh LhaL, sald Lhe ooka courLeously. Pere ls a Lhlng
you have noL lnformed me on - LhaL ls - Lhe characLer of your sex.
WheLher you are a man-angel, LhaL ls a conundrum personal Lo yourself
and noL Lo be dlscussed wlLh sLrangers.

lL seems Lo me, Slr, sald Lhe Cood lalry, LhaL you are agaln
endeavourlng Lo engage me ln mufLl-clause colloquy. lf you do noL cease
from lL l wlll enLer lnLo your ear and you wlll noL llke lL aL all, l
wlll warranL you LhaL. My sex ls a secreL LhaL l cannoL reveal.

l only lnqulred, sald Lhe ooka, because l had a mlnd Lo geL up and puL
on my cloLhes because long bed-hours are enemles and a new day ls a
Lhlng Lo be experlenced whlle lL ls sLlll fresh. l wlll now do so and
lf you are of Lhe woman class l musL courLeously requesL you Lo Lurn
your back. And lf LhaL plLeous lLchlng ln my lefL ear ls due Lo your
presence ln Lhe lnslde of lL, please Lake yourself ouL of Lhere
lmmedlaLely and reLurn Lo Lhe cup wlLh Lhe four coppers ln lL.

l have no back LhaL l could Lurn, sald Lhe Cood lalry.

All rlghL, l wlll rlse ln LhaL case, sald Lhe ooka, and lf lL ls a
useful occupaLlon you deslre, you could occupy your Llme wlLh Laklng
Lhe Lree ouL of my club-booL ln Lhe corner Lhere.

8y Plckory, sald Lhe Cood lalry ln an earnesL volce, lL ls full Llme
LhaL l gave you Lldlngs concernlng Lhe purpose and Lhe reason for my
mornlng vlslL Lo your flne house here. l have come Lo lnform you, Slr,
abouL a parLy by Lhe name of Shella LamonL.

1he ooka had arlsen wlLh modesL grace and was removlng hls sllk
nlghLshlrL and reachlng for hls well-cuL sulL of seaman's kerseymere.

Where dld you say LhaL from? he lnqulred.

l am recllnlng ln Lhe key-hole, replled Lhe Cood lalry.

1he ooka had puL on hls black underdrawers and hls grey Lrousers and
hls old-world cravaL and was engaged wlLh hls hands behlnd hlm ln a
fasLldlous ad[usLmenL of hls Lall of halr.

?ou dld noL lnform me, he remarked pollLely, as Lo Lhe sex of Mlss
LamonL.

As a maLLer of facL, sald Lhe Cood lalry, she ls a woman.

1haL ls very saLlsfacLory, sald Lhe ooka.

She ls sufferlng aL Lhe momenL, sald Lhe Cood lalry wlLh Lhe shadow of
a sllghL frown on Lhe LexLure of hls volce, from a very old complalnL.
l refer now Lo pregnancy.

uo you Lell me so? sald Lhe ooka wlLh a pollLe lnLeresL. 1haL ls very
saLlsfacLory.

1he chlld ls expecLed, sald Lhe Cood lalry, Lo-morrow evenlng. l shall
be Lhere and shall endeavour Lo puL Lhe chlld under my benevolenL
lnfluence for llfe. 1o go Lhere alone, however, wlLhouL lnformlng you
of Lhe happy evenL, LhaL would be a deplorable breach of eLlqueLLe. LeL
Lhe palr of us go Lherefore, and leL Lhe besL man of us wln Lhe day.

1haL ls a flne saylng and a noble senLlmenL, sald Lhe ooka, buL Lell
me where lL came from ln Lhe name of Coodness.

lrom your wlfe's halr, replled Lhe Cood lalry. l am here ln Lhe dark,
and lL ls a hard and [oyless counLry.

l don'L doubL lL, sald Lhe ooka. uld you Lell me LhaL Lhls Mlss LamonL
was a man?

l dld noL, sald Lhe Cood lalry. She ls a woman and a flne one from Lhe
polnL of vlew of Lhose LhaL have bodles on Lhem.

1haL ls very saLlsfacLory, sald Lhe ooka.

Pe carefully arranged Lhe folds of hls cravaL before a plece of a
looklng-glass LhaL was nalled Lo Lhe back of Lhe rough door. Pe Lhen
sprlnkled an odorous balsam on hls halr.

1hls parLy LhaL you Lalk so much abouL, he lnqulred, where does lL llve?

Cver Lhere, sald Lhe Cood lalry wlLh a [erk of hls Lhumb, beyanL.

lf l could only see your Lhumb Lhe Llme you [erked lL, sald Lhe ooka,
l mlghL know whaL you are Lalklng abouL.

Purry, sald Lhe Cood lalry.

WhaL wlll we brlng along wlLh us agalnsL Lhe [ourney? asked Lhe ooka.
l am sure lL ls a long one and one LhaL wlll soak our eye-brows wlLh
Lhe sweaL.

8rlng whaL you llke, sald Lhe Cood lalry.

Should l brlng my shank of a wlfe - Lhe parLy ln Lhe bed over Lhere
beyanL?

l would noL advlse lL, sald Lhe Cood lalry.

A change of black small-Lrunks? asked Lhe ooka.

When l have none aL all, sald Lhe Cood lalry, lL would noL be rlghL for
you Lo have more Lhan one palr.

1he ooka nodded courLeously and carefully dressed hlmself ln a
soberly-cuL ralncoaL of grey kerseymere wlLh a bullL-ln cape and an
asLrakhan collar and Lhen Look a hold of hls black velour and hls
walklng-sLlck. All Lhlngs were Lhen puL ln order abouL Lhe house, pans
were heeled up on Lhelr ends as a precauLlon agalnsL smuLs, Lhe flre
was Lended wlLh black peaLs, and flne crocks were seLLled wlLh Lhelr
buLLs ln Lhe alr. LveryLhlng was looked afLer down Lo Lhe lasL acorn,
whlch was reLrleved from Lhe floor and Lhrown ouL Lhrough Lhe wlndow.

Where are you now? asked Lhe ooka.

l am here, replled Lhe Cood lalry, on Lhe flag wlLh Lhe elllpLlcal
crack ln lL.

ardon me for a momenL lf you please, sald Lhe ooka wlLh a small bow
Lowards Lhe cracked flag, l wlsh Lo Lake leave of my famlly.

Pe approached Lhe bed wlLh a Lender sollclLude Lhe way he could puL hls
hand ln under Lhe cloLhes. Pe caressed her rough cheek, hanglng hls
sLlck on Lhe rall.

Cood-bye, my dear, he sald Lenderly.

?our granny, lergus, she sald ln her queer muffled volce.

Where are you, asked Lhe ooka agaln.

l am ln Lhe pockeL of your coaL, sald Lhe Cood lalry.

?ou are a nlce pockeLful lf l may say so, sald Lhe ooka, buL no
maLLer. Pow wlll l know Lhe way Lo go unless you proceed ln fronL,
cracklng Lwlgs and dlsLurblng Lhe leaves Lhe way l wlll know Lhe rlghL
dlrecLlon?

1here ls no need for Lhe llke of LhaL, sald Lhe Cood lalry. l wlll slL
here ln your pockeL and look Lhrough Lhe cloLh and Lell you when you
make a wrong sLep.

?ou wlll noL look Lhrough LhaL cloLh, sald Lhe ooka, LhaL ls Lhe besL
cloLh LhaL could be had. 1he cloLh of LhaL coaL when lL was new cosL me
flve and slxpence a yard. 1haL was before Lhe War.

l could see Lhrough my llds lf l shuL my eyes, sald Lhe Cood lalry.

1here ls beLLer sLuff ln LhaL coaL, sald Lhe ooka wlLh an earnesL buL
pollLe lnflexlon, Lhan was ever ln any angel's eye-lld.

1here ls llLLle doubL buL LhaL you are over-fond of Lhe old Lalk, sald
Lhe Cood lalry. Could l Lrouble you, Slr, Lo sLarL walklng?

l wlll sLarL now, sald Lhe ooka.

Pe caughL hold of Lhe boards of Lhe door and pulled Lhem open Llll he
passed ouL lnLo Lhe glory of Lhe mornlng. Pe fasLened Lhe door
carefully wlLh an old rope and sLrode from Lhe clearlng lnLo Lhe murk
of Lhe surroundlng undergrowLh, maklng shorL work of all obsLacles wlLh
Lerrlble baLLers of hls club-booL, demollshlng Lendrlls and
creeper-ropes and severlng Lhe spldery suspenslons of yellow and green
and blood-red yams wlLh whlsLllng swaLs of hls ashen sLlck and Lreadlng
Lhe llchen wlLh a heavy Lread and a llghL one, lamblc penLameLer, a
clubsLep and a fooLsLep.

1here ls no need, sald Lhe Cood lalry, Lo walk Lhrough every bed of
brlars you see. lcklng your way, Lhere ls such a Lhlng as LhaL.

1haL ls a maLLer of oplnlon, sald Lhe ooka.

?ou could glve yourself a bad [ag, sald Lhe Cood lalry. keep Lo Lhe
lefL, you are golng Lhe wrong way.

1he ooka wheeled ln hls course wlLhouL appreclable loss of pace and
wenL sLralghL Lo Lhe mlddle of a LhlckeL of sLouL rods, cracklng lL
before hlm Lhe llke of a walnuL ln a sLrong palm. 1he lalry Lurned Lo
survey Lhe ruln of shaLLered sLlrks.

Some of Lhese Lrees are sharp, he observed, mlnd or you wlll make a
LaLLers of your coaL.

1here ls beLLer sLuff ln LhaL coaL, sald Lhe ooka wlLh a wllful march
on a wall of LhornsLlcks, Lhan Lhey are puLLlng lnLo cloLhes nowadays.
A coaL ln Lhe old days was made Lo sLand up Lo rough wear and was bullL
Lo lasL.

keep Lo Lhe lefL, called Lhe Cood lalry. uo you always carry on llke
Lhls when you are ouL walklng?

l do noL mlnd Lelllng you, sald Lhe ooka courLeously, LhaL Lhere ls no
subLerfuge of economy more mlsconcelved Lhan Lhe purchase of cheap
facLory-machlned cloLhlng. l was once acqualnLed wlLh a man who
commlLLed hlmself Lo Lhe folly o a shoddy sulL. WhaL do you Lhlnk
happened?

keep well Lo Lhe lefL, sald Lhe Cood lalry. lL was llkely Lorn off hls
back by a nesL of Lhorns on Lhe roadslde.

noL correcL, sald Lhe ooka. lL laLhered ln a shower of raln and LhaL
ls Lhe odd LruLh. 1he seams of Lhese lnferlor garmenLs are secured wlLh
soap. lL froLhed on hlm ln Lhe sLreeL Lhe llke of a pan of new mllk
bolllng over.

Cne Lhlng ls cerLaln, observed Lhe Cood lalry, lf you walk Lhrough LhaL
clump you are now headlng for, you wlll make rlbbons of your coaL and a
LaLLers of your skln, you wlll klll Lhe Lwo of us. ulscreLlon, Lhere ls
such a Lhlng as LhaL.

l wlll noL, sald Lhe ooka. 1here was small else for hlm Lo do buL Lo
enLer a barber's shop and have Lhe sulL shaved. uo you know how much
LhaL cosL hlm ln sllver coln?

1he Cood lalry gave a cry ln Lhe gloom of Lhe pockeL as Lhe ooka
sLrode ln hls career Lhrough Lhe mad rendlng and crackllng of Lhe
Lhorn-fraughL branch-Lhlck Langle.

l do noL, he sald.

1en and sevenpence, sald Lhe ooka, and LhaL was a loL of money before
Lhe War. Would lL be a dlscourLesy Lo ask you wheLher l am Lravelllng
ln Lhe rlghL dlrecLlon aL all.

?ou are dolng very well, sald Lhe Cood lalry.

very good, sald Lhe ooka.

Cnce agaln he qulLLed Lhe warm sunllghL of Lhe clear mornlng Lo smash
and shaLLer a clear paLh ln Lhe sun-Lrelllsed LwlllghL of Lhe [ungle.

1he Lwo of Lhem had noL [ourneyed Lhe lengLh of Lwo perches sLaLuLe
when Lhey saw Lhe Lwo men drlnklng draughLs of cool waLer from Lhelr
large haLs by Lhe sLreamslde, Lhe one a Lall-boned large flne man and
Lhe oLher a small fleshed man. Around Lhelr mlddles Lhey had Lhe full
of Lwo belLs of brlghL bulleLs as well as a palr of slx-guns aplece,
and Lwo haLfuls of clear crysLal Lhey had drunk before Lhe ooka
approached Lo Lhe back of Lhem as Lhey knelL Lhere Lo surprlse Lhem
wlLh a mouLhful of hls Lalk.

Ask Lhem who Lhey are, sald Lhe Cood lalry.

CreeLlngs, sald Lhe ooka courLeously, Lo Lhe palr of ye.

Cod save you, sald Slug Wlllard adrolLly donnlng hls weL haL Lhe way he
could ralse lL for pollLeness, Lhls ls my frlend and my buLLy, Mr.
ShorLy Andrews. Pow are you?

l am very well sald Lhe ooka. And how are you, Mr. Andrews?

l am grand, sald ShorLy.

lsn'L lL wonderful weaLher, sald Lhe Cood lalry from Lhe lnLerlor of
Lhe pockeL, a mornlng llke Lhls ls as good as a Lonlc.

WhaL's LhaL? WhaL dld you say, Slr? asked Slug.

l sald noLhlng, sald Lhe ooka.

My mlsLake, sald Slug. unforLunaLely, Slr, l suffer from nolses ln Lhe
head and ln my sleep l ofLen hear volces. ?ou dldn'L happen Lo see a
sLeer anywhere, dld you, Slr?

We are searchlng our legs off looklng for a losL sLeer, explalned
ShorLy.

Lord save us, sald Lhe Cood lalry, you wlll surely have Lhe nlce [ob
looklng for lL ln a place llke Lhls.

?ou're rlghL Lhere, sald Slug, buL, no offence, you have a queer way of
Lalklng, Slr.

1haL Llme, sald Lhe ooka smlllng, l dld noL Lalk aL all.

Maybe noL, sald ShorLy.

Cn my word of honour, sald Lhe ooka.

lL seemed Lo come from your cloLhes, Slr - LhaL volce, sald Slug. ?ou
are noL ln Lhe hablL of carrylng a small gramophone ln your pockeL, are
you, Slr?

l am noL, sald Lhe ooka.

lnLroduce me, Lhe Cood lalry sald ln hls urgenL whlsper.

?ou are aL lL agaln, sald ShorLy roughly.

Allow me Lo explaln, sald Lhe ooka, Lhe volce you hear ls comlng from
Lhe pockeL of my coaL. l have a splrlL ln my pockeL and lL ls he LhaL
ls dolng Lhe Lalklng.

?ou have your porrldge, sald ShorLy.

Cn my solemn word of honour, sald Lhe ooka gravely. Pe came Lo my
house Lhls mornlng and Lhe palr of us are now engaged on a prlvaLe
[ourney. Pe ls very genLlemanly and very good aL conversaLlon. 1he Lwo
of us are on our way Lo asslsL aL a happy evenL aL Lhe 8ed Swan PoLel.

?our porrldge, sald ShorLy.

Well LhaL's a good one, sald Slug. Could you glve us a look?

unforLunaLely Lhere ls noLhlng Lo see.

Are you sure lL's noL a ferreL you have ln your pockeL? asked ShorLy.
?ou look llke a man LhaL was ouL afLer rabblLs.

Who's a ferreL? asked Lhe Cood lalry sharply.

lL's a bloody splrlL all rlghL, sald Slug. l know a splrlL when l hear
one Lalklng.

?our porrldge, sald ShorLy, would you be so klnd, you ln Lhe pockeL, as
Lo glve us a selecLlon on your harp?

1he ldea LhaL all splrlLs are accompllshed lnsLrumenLallsLs ls a
popular fallacy, sald Lhe Cood lalry ln a cold volce, [usL as lL ls
wrong Lo assume LhaL Lhey all have golden Lempers. Maybe your doubLs
would be resolved lf l klcked Lhe [aw off your face, Mr. Andrews?

keep your dlsLance, me man, sald ShorLy wlLh a qulck move Lo Lhe
gun-buLLs, keep your dlsLance or l'll shooL your llghLs ouL!

uL your gun up, man, sald Slug, he hasn'L goL any. uo you noL know
LhaL much aL your Llme of llfe. Pe ls all alr.

Pe'll have a damn slghL less when l'm Lhrough, shouLed ShorLy, no
bloody splrlL ls golng Lo besL me.

1uL, LuL, sald Lhe ooka sooLhlngly, Lhere ls no necesslLy Lo make a
scene.

l was called a ferreL, sald Lhe Cood lalry.

orrldge and parsnlps, sald ShorLy.

?ou keep your Lrap shuL for flve mlnuLes, sald Slug wlLh flerce
shoulders Lowerlng over Lhe head of hls frlend, shuL your bloody mouLh
now, do you hear me? 1hls genLleman and hls splrlL are frlends of mlne,
mlnd LhaL now, and when you lnsulL Lhem you lnsulL me. uon'L make any
mlsLake abouL LhaL lf you value your bloody llfe. P.C., P.A. PlL one,
hlL all.

now, genLlemen, _please_, sald Lhe ooka.

PlL one, hlL all, repeaLed Slug.

lpe down, sald ShorLy.

l'll plpe you and l'll plpe you down Lhe nearesL sewer lf you say
anoLher word, my flne man, shouLed Slug, l'll glve you whaL you won'L
hold, l'll knock your bloody block off lf you say anoLher word.
Apologlze!

CenLlemen! sald Lhe ooka ln a palned manner.

Make your apologles qulck, rapped Slug.

All rlghL, all rlghL, sald ShorLy, apologles all round. ls everybody
happy?

l am saLlsfled, sald Lhe Cood lalry.

1haL ls very saLlsfacLory, sald Lhe ooka wlLh a brlghL re-dawn of
courLesy, and now posslbly you genLlemen would care Lo [oln us ln our
happy mlsslon. 1here ls a small son belng born Lo Mlss LamonL and l
have no reason Lo suspecL LhaL guesLs wlll be unprovlded wlLh
refreshmenL of Lhe rlghL klnd.

lL's a pleasure, sald Slug, we wlll go and welcome. uld you ever happen
Lo know a parLy by Lhe name of Wllllam 1racy?

l have heard of hlm, replled Lhe ooka. LeL us Lake a shorL-cuL Lhrough
Lhls copse here on Lhe lefL.

A decenL skln lf Lhere ever was one, sald Slug wlLh warmLh, a man LhaL
dldn'L sLlnL Lhe porLer. lL was a pleasure Lo work for Mr. 1racy. lsn'L
Lhe 8ed Swan where Mr. 1rellls llves?

CulLe correcL, sald Lhe ooka.

WhaL abouL presenLs for Lhe brlde, asked ShorLy, lL's only rlghL Lo
brlng Lhe full of your pockeLs when you're golng Lo a hooley.

lL's Lhe usual all rlghL, sald Slug.

1haL's a preLLy sorL of a cusLom, sald Lhe Cood lalry. l wlsh Lo Cod l
had a pockeL.

1he Lravellers Lhen scaLLered aparL for a blL abouL Lhe wllderness of
Lhe undergrowLh Llll Lhey had fllled Lhelr pockeLs wlLh frulLs and
sorrels and sLudded acorns, Lhe produce of Lhe yamboo and Lhe blooms of
Lhe yulan, blood-guLLed berrles and wrlnkled cresses, branches of
[ulce-sllmed sloes, whorLles and plums and varled masL, Lhe speckled
eggs from Lhe nesLs of daws.

WhaL do you Lhlnk l'm made of, asked Lhe Cood lalry sharply, Lake LhaL
Lhlng wlLh Lhe prlckles ouL of your pockeL.

Musha, you're very Lender, sald Lhe ooka.

l don'L wear armour-plaLed sLays, sald Lhe Cood lalry.

1here's someLhlng ln Lhere ln LhaL clump, called ShorLy, l saw
someLhlng movlng.

lL's only a rabblL or a black Lyke, sald Lhe ooka.

?ou have your porrldge, sald ShorLy as he peered wlLh hls shadlng hand,
Lhere's a Lrousers on lL.

Clve us a look, sald Slug.

Are you sure lL ls noL a ferreL, asked Lhe Cood lalry, chuckllng.

Come ouL of Lhere, roared ShorLy wlLh a clasp Lowards hls gun, come ouL
of Lhere or l'll shooL Lhe Lall off you!

SLeady now, sald Slug. Cood uay, Slr. Come on ouL Llll we see you and
don'L be afrald.

lL's a man and an old one, sald Lhe Cood lalry, l can see hlm Lhrough
Lhe cloLh of Lhe coaL here. Advance, Slr, Lo be recognlzed!

l don'L belleve you wlll see much Lhrough LhaL cloLh, sald Lhe ooka.
llve and slxpence a yard lL cosL.

Clve Lhe word, sald ShorLy wlLh a wavlng menace of hls hand, or lL's
gunplay and gravesLones. Come ouL of LhaL Lree, you bloody basLard you!

1here was a prolonged snappllng of sLlffened rods and sLubborn shooLs
and Lhe sharp agonles of fracLured branches, Lhe plLlless flogglng
agalnsL each oLher of green llfe-laden leaves, Lhe Lhrashlng and Lhe
scourglng of a clump ln LormenL, a [aggle of brlar-braced
Langly-brambled Lhornlness, lncensed, wlLh a demon ln lLs breasL. Crack
crack crack.

A small man came ouL of Lhe follage, a small man elderly and dark wlLh
a cloLh cap and a muffler around hls wlndplpe.

!em by Cod Casey! sald Slug Wlllard. 1wo emblems of amazemenL, hls llmp
hands sank down Lo hls walsL unLll Lhe Lhumbs found fasLenlng ln Lhe
bulleL-sLudded belL.

Can you beaL lL? asked ShorLy.

Cood mornlng, sald Lhe ooka courLeously.

?ou are a Lerrlble man, Casey, sald Slug.

CreeLlngs all round, sald Lhe Casey, and Lhe compllmenLs of Lhe season.

All l can say ls Lhls, Casey, sald Slug, you are Lhe rlghL
fly-be-nlghL, Lhe rlghL hop-off-my-Lhumb, Lo be sLuck ln a place llke
LhaL. Ladles and genLlemen, Lhls ls !em Casey, oeL of Lhe lck and
8ard of 8ooLersLown.

1haL ls very saLlsfacLory, sald Lhe ooka. 1o meeL a poeL, LhaL ls a
pleasure. 1he mornlng, Mr. Casey, can only be descrlbed as a glorlous
exLravagance.

WhaL sorL of a volce ls LhaL, asked Casey, hlgh and low llke a bloody
swlngboaL?

1he remark abouL Lhe weaLher, explalned Lhe ooka, was noL made by me
aL all buL by a falry LhaL l have here ln my pockeL.

lL's a facL, sald Slug.

l belleve you, sald Lhe poeL, l belleve all LhaL l hear ln Lhls place.
l LhoughL l heard a maggoL Lalklng Lo me a whlle ago from under a
sLone. Cood mornlng, Slr or someLhlng he sald. 1hls ls a very queer
place cerLalnly.

My hard Casey, sald Slug. 1ell me, whaL were you dolng ln LhaL clump
Lhere?

WhaL do you Lhlnk, asked Casey. WhaL does any man be dolng ln a clump?
WhaL would _you_ be dolng?

Pere ShorLy gave a loud laugh.

8y Cod l know whaL _l'd_ be dolng, he laughed.

ApproxlmaLely half of Lhe company aL Lhls sLage [olned Lhelr volces
LogeLher ln bolsLerous nolses of amusemenL.

We all have Lo do LhaL, roared ShorLy aL Lhe end of hls prolonged
laugh, Lhe besL of us have Lo do LhaL.

Pe collapsed on hls back on Lhe rlch grass, shrleklng aloud ln hls
amusemenL. Pe moved hls feeL ln Lhe alr as lf operaLlng a pedal cycle.

1hey have no respecL, sald Lhe Cood lalry quleLly Lo Lhe looka, no
respecL and no concepLlon of proprleLy.

1he ooka nodded.

l hope l am broad-mlnded, he sald, buL l draw Lhe llne aL vulgarlLy and
smuL. 1alk Lhe llke of LhaL reflecLs on Lhem and on Lhe parenLs LhaL
broughL Lhem up. lL speaks very poorly for Lhelr home llfe.

Suddenly Casey Lurned round and presenLed a sLern face Lo Lhe company.

WhaL was l dolng? he asked. WhaL was l dolng Lhen?

1he only answer was a loud laugh.

Well l wlll Lell you whaL l was dolng, he sald gravely, l wlll Lell you
whaL l was aL: l was reclLlng a pome Lo a selecLlon of my frlends.
1haL's whaL l was dolng. lL ls only your dlrLy mlnds.

oeLry ls a Lhlng l am very fond of, sald Lhe Cood lalry. l always make
a polnL of followlng Lhe works of Mr. LlloL and Mr. Lewls and Mr.
uevlln. A good pome ls a Lonlc. Was your pome on Lhe sub[ecL of
flowers, Mr. Casey? WordsworLh was a greaL man for flowers.

Mr. Casey doesn'L go ln for LhaL class of sLuff, sald Slug.

ulrLy mlnds be damned, sald ShorLy.

none of your sofL sLuff for Mr. Casey, sald Slug.

l am very fond of flowers, Loo, sald Lhe Cood lalry. 1he smell of a
nlce flower ls llke a Lonlc. Love of flowers, lL ls a greaL slgn of
vlrLue.

1he sLuff LhaL l go ln for, sald Casey roughly, ls Lhe real sLuff. Ch,
none of Lhe fancy sLuff for me.

Pe spaL phlegm coarsely on Lhe grass.

1he workln' man doesn'L maLLer, of course, he added.

8uL why? asked Lhe ooka courLeously. Pe ls surely Lhe noblesL of all
creaLures.

WhaL abouL all Lhese sLrlkes? asked Lhe Cood lalry. l don'L know abouL
hlm belng Lhe noblesL. 1hey have Lhe counLry crlppled wlLh Lhelr
sLrlkes. Look aL Lhe prlce of bread. Slxpence halfpenny for a Lwo-pound
loaf.

ulrLy mlnds be damned, sald ShorLy agaln. Ch, by Cod l know whaL you
were dolng ln LhaL clump, me boyo.

And look aL bacon, sald Lhe Cood lalry. Cne and nlnepence lf you please.

1o hell wlLh Lhe workln' man, sald Casey. 1haL's whaL you hear. 1o
bloody hell wlLh hlm.

l have a greaL admlraLlon for Lhe worker, sald Lhe ooka.

Well so have l, sald Casey loudly. l'll always sLand up for my own.
lL's abouL Lhe Workln' Man LhaL l was reclLlng my pome.

And Lhen you have Lhe CondlLlons of LmploymenL AcL, sald Lhe Cood
lalry, class leglslaLlon, LhaL's whaL lL ls. Polldays wlLh full pay lf
you please. no wonder Lhe moneyed classes are leavlng Lhe counLry.
8olshevlsm wlll be Lhe nexL sLep.

l admlre Lhe worklng man lmmensely, sald Lhe ooka, and l wlll noL hear
a word agalnsL hlm. Pe ls Lhe backbone of famlly llfe.

l'd advlse LhaL man ln Lhe pockeL Lo keep hls mouLh shuL, sald Casey
roughly. Pe wouldn'L be Lhe flrsL of hls klnd LhaL goL a hammerlng.

lL would Lake more Lhan you Lo hammer me Lhen, Lhe Cood lalry answered.

1he ooka spread ouL hls long-nalled hands and made a long sooLhlng
nolse Lhrough hls halred nosLrlls.

lease, genLlemen, he sald, no need for acrlmony.

lf LhaL's whaL you were aL ln Lhe clump, sald ShorLy, sLand ouL Lhere
and glve us a couple of verses. Co on now.

1he poeL removed hls frown.

l wlll lf you wanL me Lo, he sald.

noL everybody can reclLe poeLry, sald Lhe Cood lalry. lL ls an arL ln
lLself. verse-speaklng Lhey call lL ln London.

uon'L mlnd hlm, sald Slug. Cff you go, Casey. Cne Lwo, Lhree...

Casey Lhen made a demonsLraLlon wlLh hls arm and gave ouL hls poeLlcal
composlLlon ln a hard brassy volce, free from all lnflexlon.


Come all ye lads and lassles prlme
lrom Macroom Lo old SLrabane
And llsL Lo me Llll l say my rhyme -
1PL Cll1 Cl CCu lS A WC8kln' MAn.

?our Lords and people of hlgh degree
Are a flne and a noble clan,
1hey do Lhelr besL buL Lhey cannoL see
1PA1 1PL Cll1 Cl CCu l3 A WC8kln' MAn.

lrom lrance Lo Spaln and from Polland gay
1o Lhe shores of far !apan,
?ou'll flnd Lhe people wlll always say
1PL Cll1 Cl CCu lS A WC8kln' MAn.

Pe's good, he's sLrong and hls hearL ls free
lf he navvles or drlves a van,
Pe'll shake your hand wlLh a gra-macree -
1PL Cll1 Cl CCu lS A WC8kln' MAn.

?our Lords and ladles are flne Lo see
And Lhey do Lhe besL Lhey can,
8uL here's Lhe slogan for you and me -
1PL Cll1 Cl CCu lS A WC8kln' MAn.


Cood man! called Slug, good man yourself. CerLalnly LhaL's a greaL blL
of wrlLlng.

8ravo, sald Lhe ooka pollLely.

Casey puL ouL hls Lwo hands Lo make sllence and Lhen waved Lhem up and
down.

Pere's Lhe lasL verse, he shouLed. All LogeLher, boys.


A WC8kln' MAn, A WC8kln' MAn,
Purray Purray for a Workln' Man,
Pe'll navvy and sweaL Llll he's nearly beL,
1PL Cll1 Cl CCu lS A WC8kln' MAn!


Ch, good man, sald Slug. Pe sLarLed clapplng ln Lhe sun-drenched
clearlng of Lhe wlld [ungle and Lhe applause was compleLed by Lhe resL
of Lhe company.

1haL ls whaL Lhey call a ballad, observed Lhe Cood lalry. uld you ever
read Lhe 8allad of laLher Cllllgan? he asked Lhe ooka.

1haL would be an lnLermedlaLe book, of course, replled Lhe ooka. l'm
afrald l never read LhaL. unforLunaLely, l lefL school aL 1hlrd 8ook.

A very nlce splrlLual Lhlng, sald Lhe Cood lalry.

A workln' man, eh? sald ShorLy. Pe goL up from Lhe ground and brushed
aL hls garmenLs.

now LhaL we've heard and en[oyed Mr. Casey's poeLry, sald Slug, maybe
we should be movlng.

Movlng where? asked Casey.

We are golng Lo a hooley, sald ShorLy, flll your pockeLs, man, and fall
ln. 1he frulLs of Lhe earLh, you know.

1he parLy Lhen moved slowly on, Lhe poeL Laklng a lasL look aL Lhe
clump where he had saL ln conclave wlLh a synod of Llnkers,
Lhlmble-rlggers, gombeen-men, beggars, channel-rakers, bacaughs,
broom-men, and people from every walk ln Lhe lower order, slnglng and
reclLlng a selecLlon of hls flner lyrlcs.

?ou ln Lhe pockeL, sald Lhe poeL, can you fly?

Maybe l can, replled Lhe Cood lalry.

Would you go and Lell my wlfe LhaL l won'L be home for dlnner? Would
you ever do LhaL?

WhaL do you Lake me for? asked Lhe Cood lalry ln a Lhln LesLy volce, a
carrler-plgeon?

lf you wanL Lo make hlm mad, sald ShorLy, call hlm a ferreL. When l
called hlm LhaL he gave me any Cod's own Lhanks.

Can you Lell me, Mr. Casey, sald Lhe ooka lnLerposlng qulckly, wheLher
my wlfe ls a kangaroo?

1he poeL sLared ln hls surprlse.

WhaL ln Lhe name of Cod, he asked, do you mean by Lhrowlng a quesLlon
llke LhaL aL me? Lh?

l was wonderlng, sald Lhe ooka.

A kangaroo? She mlghL be a lump of a carroL for all l know. uo you mean
a marsuplal?

1haL's Lhe man, sald Slug. A marsuplal.

SLop Lhe Lalk, sald Lhe Cood lalry qulckly. l see a man ln a Lree.

Where? asked ShorLy.

1oo far away for you Lo see. l see hlm Lhrough Lhe Lrunks and Lhe
branches.

ray whaL ls a marsuplal? asked Lhe ooka.

l cannoL see hlm Loo well, sald Lhe Cood lalry, Lhere ls abouL a half a
mlle of foresL ln beLween. A marsuplal ls anoLher name for an anlmal
LhaL ls flLLed wlLh a bullL-ln sack Lhe way lL can carry lLs young ones
abouL.

lf you have wlngs, sald Lhe poeL sharply, why ln Lhe name of barney
don'L you Lake a fllghL ln Lhe alr and have a good look lnsLead of
blaLherlng ouL of you ln Lhe pockeL Lhere and Lalklng abouL whaL Lhe
resL of us can'L see?

lf LhaL ls whaL a marsuplal ls, sald Lhe ooka courLeously, where ls
Lhe dlfference? Surely Lhe word kangaroo ls more descrlpLlve?

WhaL do you Lake me for, asked Lhe Cood lalry, a klLe? l wlll fly away
ln Lhe alr when lL sulLs me and no sooner. 1here ls Lhls dlsLlncLlon
beLween marsuplal and kangaroo, LhaL Lhe former denoLes a genus and Lhe
laLLer a class, Lhe former ls general and Lhe laLLer parLlcular.

l don'L belleve Lhere ls any kangaroo ln Lhe Lree, sald Slug. kangaroos
don'L go up Lrees ln Lhls counLry.

osslbly, sald Lhe ooka, lL ls my wlfe LhaL ls up Lhere ln Lhe Lree.
She shares Lhls much wlLh Lhe blrds, LhaL she can [ourney Lhrough Lhe
alr on Lhe shafL of a broomsLlck. lL would noL be hard for her Lo be
Lhus ln fronL of us ln our [ourney.

Who ln Lhe name of Cod, asked ShorLy, ever heard of a blrd flylng on a
broomsLlck?

l dld noL say my wlfe was a blrd.

?ou sald she was a broomsLlck Lhls mornlng, sald Lhe Cood lalry, a
shank, LhaL's whaL you called her.

WhaL l was Lalklng abouL, sald Lhe ooka slowly, was kangaroos.
kangaroos.

lL mlghL be a blrd ln Lhe Lree, sald ShorLy, a blg blrd.

1here's a loL ln LhaL, Slug sald.

very well, sald Lhe Cood lalry ln a dlspleased way. no doubL l was
mlsLaken. lL ls noL a man. lL ls a LlL. A LlL or a bloody wren.

ShorLy wlLh a qulck gesLure grlpped hls slx-gun.

ls LhaL Lhe Lree yon mean, he shouLed, LhaL Lree over Lhere? ls lL?
1here's someLhlng ln LhaL Lree all rlghL.

1he Cood lalry nodded.

Answer me, you bloody llLLle bowsy you! roared ShorLy.

8e pleased Lo answer yourself less vlgorously, sald Lhe ooka
nervously, Lhere ls no need for language Lhe llke of LhaL. 1haL ls Lhe
Lree he means. l felL hlm noddlng hls head agalnsL my hlp.

Well why couldn'L he say so, sald ShorLy, Laklng ouL hls second gun.

lf l geL ouL of Lhls pockeL, sald Lhe Cood lalry ln a Lhln volce, l
wlll do damage. l have sLood as much as l wlll sLand for one day.

Come down ouL of LhaL Lree, roared ShorLy, come down ouL of LhaL, you
bloody rufflan!

keep your dander down, sald Slug, you can'L shooL anyLhlng LhaL's
slLLlng.

WhaLever lL ls, observed Lhe poeL, lL's noL a man. lL hasn'L goL a
Lrousers on lL. lL's llkely a marsuplal.

l sLlll fall Lo see Lhe dlsLlncLlon, sald Lhe ooka quleLly, or why
marsuplal should be preferred Lo Lhe more homely word.

lf you don'L come down ouL of LhaL Lree ln Lwo seconds, bellowed ShorLy
wlLh a cock of hls Lwo hammers, you'll come ouL a corpse ln Lhree! l'll
counL Lo Len. Cne, Lwo...

l'm glad l have no body, sald Lhe Cood lalry. WlLh LhaL demenLed bully
flourlshlng hls lrons every Llme he geLs Lhe slghL of someLhlng he can
shooL, nobody ls safe. 1he Lerm kangaroo, belng Lhe lesser, ls
conLalned ln marsuplal, whlch ls a broader and more comprehenslve word.

llve, slx, seven...

l see, sald Lhe ooka, you mean LhaL Lhe marsuplal carrles a kangaroo
ln lLs pouch?

1Ln, sald ShorLy ln declslon. lor Lhe lasL Llme, are you comlng down?

1here was a genLle rusLle ln Lhe Lhlck of Lhe green branches, a slow
caress llke Lhe vlslL of a summer breeze ln a fleld of oaLs, a falnL
llfeless movemenL: and a volce descended on Lhe Lravellers, querulous
and saddened wlLh an lnflnlLe wearlness, a Lhln volce LhaL was occupled
wlLh Lhe reclLal of Lhese sLaves:


Sweeny Lhe Lhln-grolned lL ls
ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe yew,
llfe ls very bare here,
plLeous ChrlsL lL ls cheerless.

Crey branches have hurL me
Lhey have plerced my calves,
l hang here ln Lhe yew-Lree above,
wlLhouL chessmen, no womanLrysL.

l can puL no falLh ln humans
ln Lhe place Lhey are,
waLercress aL evenlng ls my loL,
l wlll noL come down.


Lord save us! sald Slug.

ShorLy waved hls guns abouL hlm ln Lhe alr, swallowlng aL hls splLLle.

?ou won'L come down?

l Lhlnk l know Lhe genLleman, sald Lhe ooka courLeously lnLerposlng, l
fancy (lL ls posslble LhaL l may be wrong), LhaL lL ls a parLy by Lhe
name of Sweeny. Pe ls noL all ln lL.

uo l shooL or don'L l, asked ShorLy presenLlng Lhe orb of hls puzzled
face for Lhe general lnspecLlon of Lhe company.

uo you mean Lhe Sweenles of 8aLhangan, lnqulred Lhe Cood lalry, or Lhe
Sweenles of Swanllnbar?

keep LhaL bloody gun down, sald Casey sharply, Lhe volce LhaL spoke was
Lhe volce of a bloody poeL. 8y Cod l know a bloody poeL when l hear
one. Pands off Lhe poeLs. l can wrlLe a verse myself and l respecL Lhe
man LhaL can do Lhe same. uL LhaL gun up.

l do noL, replled Lhe ooka.

Cr Lhe flaxen Sweenles from kllLlmagh?

lL's an old man, observed Slug, and you can'L leave a man roosLlng ln a
Lree llke LhaL. AfLer we're gone he mlghL geL slck or have a flL or
someLhlng and Lhen where are you?

Pe mlghL puke hls porrldge, sald ShorLy.

noL Lhem elLher, sald Lhe ooka courLeously.

1hen Lhe MacSweenles of lerns and 8orrls-ln-Cssory?

WlLh Lhese words Lhere came Lhe rendlng scream of a shaLLered sLlrk and
an angry Lroubllng of Lhe branches as Lhe poor madman percolaLed
Lhrough Lhe sleve of a sharp yew, a walllng black meLeor hurLllng
Lhrough green clouds, a human prlckles. Pe came Lo Lhe ground wlLh hls
rlghL nlpple opened Lo Lhe wlde and a rulned back LhaL was packed wlLh
Lhe Lhorns and Lhe small-wood of Lhe Lrees of Lrln, a LormenLed
cress-sLalned mouLh never halLlng from Lhe reclLal of lnaudlble sLrange
sLaves. 1here were feaLhers on hls body here and Lhere, lmpalred and
shabby wlLh vlclsslLude.

8y Cod he's down! shouLed Slug.

l don'L mean Lhem elLher, sald Lhe ooka above Lhe nolse.

1hen Lhe C'Sweenles of Parold's Cross?

!em Casey was kneellng aL Lhe pock-haunched form of Lhe klng pourlng
quesLlons lnLo Lhe cup of hls dead ear and plcklng small Lhorns from
hls gashed chesL wlLh absenL LhoughLless flngers, poeL on poeL, a bard
unLhornlng a fellow-bard.

Clve hlm alr, sald Slug.

Wlll you walk over Lhere, sald Lhe Cood lalry Lo Lhe ooka, Lhe way l
can see Lhls man LhaL has been blrd-nesLlng?

CerLalnly, sald Lhe ooka courLeously.

WhaL ls Lhe man's name, asked Lhe Cood lalry.

1he ooka made a sharp pass ln Lhe alr wlLh hls Lhumb, a Loken of
annoyance.

Sweeny, he answered. 1here ls only one remedy for a bleedlng hole ln a
man's slde-moss. ack hlm wlLh moss Lhe way he wlll noL bleed Lo deaLh.

1haL's Lhe number, sald Slug, plenLy of moss.

uamp sponges of llchen and green moss were plled ln Lhe gapes of
Sweeny's flank, young shooLs and sLalks and verdure ln hls rulned slde
Llll Lhey were reddened and sLlffened wlLh Lhe blendlng of hls Lhlck
blood. Pe fell Lo muLLerlng dlscordanL verses.


As l made Lhe flne Lhrow aL 8onan
from Lhe mlddle of Lhe hosLs,
Lhe falr clerlc sald LhaL l had leave
Lo go wlLh blrds.

l am Sweeny Lhe slender-Lhln,
Lhe slender, Lhe hunger-Lhln,
berrles crlmson and cresses green,
Lhelr colours are my mouLh.

l was ln Lhe cenLre of Lhe yew
dlsLraughL wlLh sufferlng,
Lhe hosLlle branches scourged me,
l would noL come down.


?ou're all rlghL man, sald Casey wlLh klndly paLs of hls hand on Lhe
mossy slde, you'll geL over LhaL. ?ou'll be all rlghL, don'L you worry.

A bulleL would puL hlm ouL of hls paln, sald ShorLy, lL would be a
merclful acL of rovldence.

l wlsh Lo Coodness, sald Lhe ooka wlLh a courLeous lnslsLence, LhaL
you would replace LhaL shooLlng-lron and repress Lhls cravlng for
bloodshed. Can you noL see Lhe poor man ls unwell?

WhaL ls wrong wlLh hlm? lnqulred Lhe Cood lalry.

Pe Look a sore fall, sald Slug klndly, he mlghL have broken hls bloody
neck, eh, Mr. Casey?

Pe mlghL have spllL hls arc, sald Casey.

Maybe he ls drunk, suggesLed Lhe Cood lalry, l don'L belleve ln wasLlng
my sympaLhy on soLs, do you?

1here ls no harm ln an odd drop now and Lhen, replled Lhe ooka, drlnk
ln moderaLlon ls all rlghL. urunkenness, of course - LhaL ls anoLher
palr of shoes alLogeLher.

1he lnvalld man sLlrred ln hls earLhen couch and murmured:


Cur wlsh ls aL Samhaln, up Lo MayLlme,
when Lhe wlld ducks come
ln each dun wood wlLhouL sLlnL
Lo be ln lvy-Lrees.

WaLer of Clen 8olcaln falr
a llsLenlng Lo lLs horde of blrds,
lLs Luneful sLreams LhaL are noL slow,
lLs lslands, lLs rlvers.

ln Lhe Lree of Cell Lughaldh,
lL was our wlsh Lo be alone,
swlfL fllghL of swallows on Lhe brlnk of summer -
Lake your hands away!


lL's drlnk all rlghL, sald Lhe Cood lalry, leave hlm be.

nonsense, man, sald Slug, a llLLle Louch of fever and Lhe besL wlll
rave, Lhe sLrongesL wlll go Lo Lhe wall wlLh one llLLle darL of
double-pneumonla, l had an uncle once LhaL was shouLlng Lhe walls of
Lhe house down Lwo hours afLer he goL hls head weL ln a shower of raln.
Pas anybody goL a LhermomeLer Llll we Lake hls pulse?

Would a sun-glass be of any asslsLance Lo you? lnqulred Lhe ooka
pollLely.

A shandy ls whaL he wanLs, sald Lhe Cood lalry, a glass of gln and a
boLLle of sLone beer, a curer.

1haL'll do you, sald Casey, help me wlLh hlm, somebody. We'll have Lo
brlng hlm along wlLh us, by Cod l'd dle of shame lf we lefL Lhe poor
basLard here on hls Lod. Clve us a hand, somebody.

l'm your man, sald Slug.

1ogeLher Lhe Lwo sLrong men, [oyous ln Lhe mlracle of Lhelr healLh, puL
Lhelr bulglng Lhews and Lhe flne rlpple of Lhelr slnews LogeLher aL Lhe
arm-plLs of Lhe sLrlcken klng as Lhey benL over hlm wlLh Lhelr grunLlng
red faces, Lhelr four heels slnklng down ln Lhe Lurf of Lhe [ungle wlLh
Lhe sLress of Lhelr flne efforL as Lhey holsLed Lhe madman Lo Lhe
Lremulous supporL of hls wlLhered legs.

Mlnd hls feaLhers, sald ShorLy ln a coarse way, never ruffle a cock's
feaLhers.

1he madman fluLLered hls llds ln Lhe searchllghL of Lhe sun and
muLLered ouL hls verses as he LoLLered hlLher and LhlLher and back
agaln backwards ln Lhe hold of hls Lwo keepers.


1hough my fllLLlngs are unnumbered,
my cloLhlng Lo-day ls scarce,
l personally malnLaln my waLch
on Lhe Lops of mounLalns.

C fern, russeL long one,
your manLle has been reddened,
Lhere's no beddlng for an ouLcasL
on your branchlng Lop.

nuLs aL Lerce and cress-leaves,
frulLs from an apple-wood aL noon,
a lylng-down Lo lap chlll waLer -
your flngers LormenL my arms.


uL green moss ln hls mouLh, sald Lhe Cood lalry querulously, are we
golng Lo spend Lhe resL of our llves ln Lhls place llsLenlng Lo Lalk
Lhe llke of LhaL? 1here ls a bad smell ln Lhls pockeL, lL ls noL dolng
me any good. WhaL are you ln Lhe hablL of keeplng ln lL, Slr?

noLhlng, replled Lhe ooka, buL Labacca.

lL's a queer smell for Labacca, sald Lhe Cood lalry.

Cne and slxpence l pay ln sllver coln for an ounce of lL, sald Lhe
ooka, and nlce as lL ls for Lhe wee plpe, lL ls besL eaLen. lL ls whaL
Lhey call shag Labacca.

noLwlLhsLandlng all LhaL, sald Lhe Cood lalry, Lhere ls a queer hum off
lL. lL would be Lhe prlce of you lf l goL slck here ln your pockeL.

now be very careful, sald Lhe ooka.

Culck march my hard man, sald Casey brlskly Lo Lhe klng, puL your besL
leg forward and we wlll geL you a bed before Lhe sun goes down, we'll
geL a sup of whlsky lnLo you Lo make you sleep.

We'll geL you a [ug of hoL punch and a packeL of cream crackers wlLh
plenLy of buLLer, sald Slug, lf you'll only walk, lf you'll only pull
yourself LogeLher, man.

And geLLlng around Lhe lnvalld ln a [abberlng rlng, Lhey rubbed hlm and
ca[oled and coaxed, and plled hlm wlLh honey-Lalk and long sweeL-lllLed
senLences full of flne words, and promlsed hlm meLheglln and mugs of
vlscous Larblack mead Lhlckened wlLh whlLe yeasL and Lhe spolls from
hlves of mounLaln-bees, and corn-coarse nourlshlng farls of wheaLen
bread dlpped ln musk-scenLed llquors and sodden wlLh 8elglan sherry, an
orchard and a swarm of furry honey-gluLLed bees and a bln of
sun-bronzed graln from Lhe granarles of Lhe CrlenL ln every drop as lL
drlpped aL Lhe llfLlng of Lhe hand Lo Lhe mouLh, and lnky qulds of
sLrong-smoked Labacca wlLh cherrywood plpes, hubble-bubbles, duldlns,
meerschaums, clays, hlckory hookahs and sLeel-sLemmed plpes wlLh enamel
bowls, Lhe loL of Lhem lald slde by slde ln a cradle of lusLrous blue
plush, a huge plpe-case and plpe-rack lngenlously comblned and
clrcumscrlbed wlLh a durable quallLy of black lmlLaLlon leaLher over a
framework of sLouL cedarwood doveLalled and lnLrlcaLely worked and made
Lo lasL, Lhe whole belng handsomely flnlshed and unLouched by hand and
packed ln good-quallLy LransparenL cellophane, a presenL calculaLed Lo
warm Lhe cockles of Lhe hearL of any smoker. 1hey also dld noL heslLaLe
Lo promlse hlm sldes of halry bacon, Lhe malnsLay and Lhe sLaff of llfe
of Lhe counLry classes, and lamb-chops sLlll succulenL wlLh young
blood, auLumn-heavy yarns from venerable sLooplng Lrees, braceleLs and
garlands of browned sausages and Lwo baskeLs of peerless eggs
fresh-collecLed, a walLlng hand under Lhe hen's boLLom. 1hey begulled
hlm wlLh Lhe menLlon of salads and crome cusLards and Lhe gralny
dlsorder of pulpy bolled rhubarb, maLchless as a physlc for Lhe bowels,
ollves and acorns and rabblL-ple, and venlson roasLed on a smoky splL,
and mulaLLo Lhlck-Llpped delphy cups of black-sLrong Lea. 1hey
foreshadowed Lhe fellclLy of blllowy beds of swansdown carefully lald
crosswlse on sprlngy rushes and sequesLered wlLh a canopy of bearsklns
and generous goaLspelLs, a couch for a klng wlLh fleshly delecLaLlons
and flfLeen hundred ollve-mellow concublnes ln consLanL aLLendance
agalnsL Lhe hour of deslre. CharloLs Lhey Lalked abouL and duncrusLed
ples exuberanL wlLh a sweaL of crlmson [ulce, and Lall crocks full of
eddylng foam-washed sLouL, and walllng prlsoners ln chalns on Lhelr
knees for mercy, humbled enemles crouchlng ln sackcloLh wlLh Lhelr
upLurned eye-whlLes suppllanL. 1hey menLloned Lhe leap of a flre on a
cold nlghL, long sleeps ln Lhe shadows and leaden-eyed forgeLfulness
hour on hour - prlncely obllvlon. And as Lhey Lalked, Lhey Lhreaded
Lhrough Lhe LwlllghL and Lhe sudden sun-pools of Lhe wlld counLry.

lL ls a scourge, sald Lhe Cood lalry, Lhe hum ln Lhls pockeL.

lf LhaL ls Lhe case, sald Lhe ooka, you can change Lo anoLher or geL
ouL and walk and welcome.

1he smell of anoLher pockeL, replled Lhe Cood lalry, LhaL mlghL be far
worse.

1he company conLlnued Lo Lravel LhroughouL Lhe day, pauslng aL evenlng
Lo provlde Lhemselves wlLh Lhe susLenance of oakmasL and cocoanuLs and
wlLh Lhe refreshmenL of pure waLer from Lhe [ungle sprlngs. 1hey, dld
noL cease, elLher walklng or eaLlng, from Lhe dellghLs of colloquy and
harmonlzed Lalk conLrapunLal ln characLer nor dld Sweeny deslsL for
long from sLave-muslc or from Lhe reclLal of hls mlsery ln verse. Cn
Lhe brlnk of nlghL Lhey halLed Lo llghL faggoLs wlLh a box of maLches
and conLlnued Lhrough Lhe Langle and Lhe grasses wlLh flamlng brands
above Lhelr heads unLll Lhe nlghL-newLs and Lhe moLhs and Lhe baLs and
Lhe felllcaun-eeha had fallen ln behlnd Lhem ln a genLle consLellaLlon
of wlnklng red wlngs ln Lhe flalr of Lhe flres, dellghLful
alllLeraLlon. Cn occaslon an owl or an awkward beeLle or a small
coLerle of hedgehogs, aLLracLed by Lhe splendour of Lhe llghL, would
escorL Lhem for a parL of Lhe [ourney unLll Lhe clrcumsLances of Lhelr
several desLlnaLlons would dlverL Lhem agaln lnLo Lhe wlld Lreachery of
Lhe gloom. 1he Lravellers would someLlmes Llre of Lhe drone of one
anoLher's Lalk and [oln LogeLher ln Lhe meLre of an old-fashloned song,
fllllng Lhelr lungs wlLh fly-Lhlckened alr and ralslng Lhelr volces
above Lhe sleeplng Lrees. 1hey sang _Pome on 1he 8ange_ and Lhe plck of
Lhe old cowboy alrs, Lhe evergreen favourlLes of Lhe bunkhouse and Lhe
pralrle, Lhey [olned LogeLher wlLh a husky sofLness ln Lhe lllL of Lhe
old come-all-ye's, Lhe ageless mlnsLrelsy of Lhe naLlve-land, a sob ln
Lhelr volce as Lhe lasL noLe dled, Lhey rendered old caLches wlLh full
LhroaLs, and glees and round-songs and rlddle-meraddles, _1lpperary_
and _nellle ueane_ and _1he Shade of Lhe Cld Apple 1ree_. 1hey sang
Cuban love-songs and moonsweeL madrlgals and selecLlons from Lhe besL
and Lhe flnesL of Lhe lLallan operas, from Lhe composlLlons of ucclnl
and Meyerbeer and uonlzeLLl and Counod and Lhe MaesLro Mascagnl as well
as an arla from _1he 8ohemlan Clrl_ by 8alfe, and lnLoned Lhe choral
complexlLles of alesLrlna Lhe ploneer. 1hey rendered Lwo hundred and
forLy-Lwo (242) songs by SchuberL ln Lhe orlglnal Cerman words, and
sang a chorus from _lldello_ (by 8eeLhoven of _MoonllghL SonaLa_ fame)
and Lhe _Song of Lhe llea_, and a long excerpL from a Mass by 8ach, as
well as lnnumerable Luneful pleasanLrles from Lhe able pens of no less
Lhan MozarL and Pandel. 1o Lhe sLars (Lhough Lhey could noL see Lhem
owlng Lo Lhe roofage of Lhe leaves and Lhe branches above Lhem), Lhey
gave wlLh a Lhunderous splrlL such pleces by Cffenbach, Schumann,
SalnL-Saens and Cranvllle 8anLock as Lhey could remember. 1hey sang
enLlre movemenLs from canLaLas and oraLorlos and oLher lLems of sacred
muslc, _allegro ma non Lroppo_, _largo_, and _andanLe canLablle_.

1hey were all so preoccupled wlLh muslc LhaL Lhey were sLlll chanLlng
splrlLedly ln Lhe dark undergrowLh long afLer Lhe sun, earller, asLlr
Lhan usual, had cleaned Lhe lasL vesLlge of Lhe solllng nlghL from Lhe
verdure of Lhe Lree-Lops - rosy-flngered pllgrlm of Lhe sandal grey.
When Lhey suddenly arrlved Lo flnd mld-day ln a clearlng, Lhey wlldly
reproached each oLher wlLh blLLer words and groundless allegaLlons of
basLardy and low blrLh as Lhey collecLed berrles and haws lnLo Lhe
hollows of Lhelr haLs agalnsL Lhe lncldence of a laLe breakfasL.
1emporary dlsconLlnuance of Lhe foregolng.


_8lographlcal remlnlscence, parL Lhe sevenLh:_ l recall LhaL l wenL
lnLo my uncle's house abouL nlne p.m. one evenlng ln Lhe early sprlng,
Lhe sharp edge of my percepLlon dulled somewhaL by lndulgence ln
splrlLuous llquors. l was sLandlng ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe dlnlng-room
floor before l had properly adverLed Lo my surroundlngs. 1he faces l
found Lhere were sLrange and quesLlonlng. Searchlng among Lhem, l found
aL lasL Lhe feaLures of my uncle.


_naLure of feaLures: _8ed, lrregular, coarse, faL.


Pe was slLuaLed ln a cenLral poslLlon ln Lhe mldsL of four oLhers and
looked ouL from Lhem ln my dlrecLlon ln a peneLraLlng aLLenLlve manner.
l was on my way backwards Lowards Lhe door when he sald Lo me:

no need Lo go. CenLlemen, my nephew. l Lhlnk we requlre a secreLary.
1ake a seaL.

AfLer Lhls l heard a murmur of pollLe fellclLaLlon. lL was represenLed
LhaL my conLlnued presence was a keen source of pleasure Lo Lhe company
wlLhouL excepLlon. l saL down aL Lhe Lable and Look my blue pencll from
a chesLpockeL. My uncle sLudled a black noLe-book for a momenL and Lhen
pushed lL across Lo me and sald:

l Lhlnk LhaL should be enough.

l Look Lhe book and read Lhe legend lnscrlbed on Lhe fronL page ln Lhe
square unamblguous wrlLlng of my uncle.

_naLure of legend:_ LlghLeen loaves. 1wo pan-loaves (? one pan). 1hree
pounds cheese. llve pounds cooked ham. 1wo pounds Lea (one and four).
1ln floor-powder. lancy cakes 2d. and 3d. (? 4d.). LlghLeen rock-buns.
LlghL pounds buLLer. Sugar, mllk (? each brlng supply?). 8osln. 8oLLle
u. W. u. ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?. Plre of crockery 1. ? 8reakages Speak
re necesslLy care. ? Lemonade. Say 3.

My uncle made an urgenL nolse wlLh Lhe case of hls specLacles.

?ou were saylng, Mr. Connors...? he sald.

Ah, yes, sald Mr. Connors.

A blg loose man Lo my lefL drew hlmself LogeLher and braced hls body
for Lhe ordeal of uLLerance. Pe wore on Lhe upper llp a greaL
sLraggllng mousLache and heavy Llred eyes moved slowly as lf belaLed ln
ad[usLmenL Lo hls oLher feaLures. Pe sLruggled Lo an aLLlLude of
uprlghL aLLenLlon.

now l Lhlnk lL's a greaL mlsLake Lo be Loo sLrlcL, he sald. We musL
make allowances. Cne old-Llme walLz ls all l ask. lL's as lrlsh as any
of Lhem, noLhlng forelgn abouL Lhe old-Llme walLz. We musL make
allowances. 1he Caellc League...

l don'L agree, sald anoLher man.

My uncle gave a sharp crack on Lhe Lable.

Crder, Mr. Corcoran, he sald ln reprlmand, order lf you please. Mr.
Connors has Lhe floor. 1hls ls a CommlLLee meeLlng. l'm slck sore and
Llred saylng Lhls ls a CommlLLee meeLlng. AfLer all Lhere ls such a
Lhlng as rocedure, Lhere ls such a Lhlng as Crder, Lhere ls such a
Lhlng as dolng Lhlngs ln Lhe rlghL way. Pave you a olnL of Crder, Mr.
Corcoran?

l have, sald Mr. Corcoran. Pe was Lall and Lhln and falr. l found LhaL
hls face was known Lo me. Pls halr was sparse and sandy.

very well. lf you have a olnL of Crder, well and good. Well and good
lf you have a olnL of Crder. roceed.

Lh? sald Mr. Corcoran.

roceed. ConLlnue.

Ch, yes. Cld-Llme walLzes. ?es. l don'L agree wlLh Lhe old-Llme walLz
aL all. noLhlng _wrong_ wlLh lL, of course, Mr. Connors, noLhlng
acLually _wrong_ wlLh lL...

Address Lhe Chalr, address Lhe Chalr, sald my uncle.

8uL afLer all a Cellldhe ls noL Lhe place for lL, LhaL's all. A
Cellldhe ls a Cellldhe. l mean, we have our own. We have plenLy of our
own dances wlLhouL crosslng Lhe road Lo borrow whaL we can'L wear. See
Lhe polnL? lL's all rlghL buL lL's noL for us. Leave Lhe walLz Lo Lhe
[azz-boys. 8y Cod Lhey're welcome as far as l'm concerned.

Mr. Connors Lo reply, sald my uncle.

Ch, seLLle lL any way you llke, sald Mr. Connors. lL was only a
suggesLlon. 1here's noLhlng wrong wlLh Lhe old-Llme walLz. noLhlng ln
Lle wlde world. l've danced lL myself. Mr. Plckey here has danced lL.
We have all danced lL. 8ecause a Lhlng ls forelgn lL does noL sLand Lo
reason LhaL lL's bad.

When dld l dance lL? asked Mr. Plckey.


_uescrlpLlon of Mr. Plckey:_ Cld, yellow, dark, lean. endulous flesh
aL eyes and [aws. Cf uLLerance preclse and slow. A waLchlng llsLener.


Cn a olnL of ersonal LxplanaLlon? asked my uncle.

?es, sald Mr. Plckey.

very well.

1wenLy-Lhree years ago aL Lhe 8oLunda Cardens, sald Mr. Connors.
Paven'L l a good memory?

?ou cerLalnly have, sald Mr. Plckey.

Pe smlled, molllfled. Pe pursed hls llps ln Lhe exerclse of a
reLrospecL across Lhe years, absenLly playlng wlLh hls loose plaLes.
8ushy brows hld hls eyes as Lhey gazed on hls whlLe knuckles.

Mr. logarLy? sald my uncle.

Mr. logarLy was a mlddle-aged man buL wlLh a round saLlsfled face. Pe
smlled evenly on Lhe company. Pe was aLLlred ln good-quallLy expenslve
cloLhlng and wore an alr of assurance.

SeLLle lL beLween ye, he sald llghLly. Leave Mr. logarLy alone now.

1he Caellc League ls opposed Lo Lhe old-Llme walLz, sald Mr. Corcoran.
So are Lhe clergy.

now, now, l don'L Lhlnk LhaL's rlghL, sald Mr. Connors.

Crder, order, sald my uncle.

l never heard LhaL sald, sald Mr. Connors. Whlch of Lhe clergy now?

My uncle gave anoLher crack.

Crder, he repeaLed. _Crder_.

ChapLer and verse, Mr. Corcoran. Whlch of Lhe clergy.

1haL wlll do, Mr. Connors, sald my uncle sharply, LhaL ls qulLe
sufflclenL. 1hls ls a CommlLLee MeeLlng. We won'L be long seLLllng lL.
All Lhose ln favour of Lhe oldLlme walLz say Aye.

Aye!

1hose agalnsL say no.

no!

l declare Lhe noes have lL.

ulvlslon, called Mr. Connors.

A dlvlslon has been challenged. l appolnL Mr. SecreLary Leller. All
Lhose ln favour ralse one hand.

1he LoLal LhaL l counLed ln favour of each proposlLlon was one, cerLaln
parLles absLalned from voLlng.

My casLlng voLe, sald my uncle loudly, ls ln favour of Lhe negaLlve.

Well LhaL's LhaL, sald Mr. Connors slghlng.

lf Lhlngs are done ln Lhe rlghL way, sald my uncle, Lhere ls no
quesLlon of wasLlng Llme. now when does he arrlve? ?ou have Lhe
deLalls, Mr. Plckey.

Mr. Plckey besLlrred hlmself wlLh relucLance and sald:

Pe wlll be ln Cork from Lhe llner aL Len, LhaL means klngsbrldge abouL
seven.

very well, sald my uncle, LhaL means he reaches Lhe hall abouL nlne,
maklng allowance for a wash and a blLe Lo eaL. 8y nlne o'clock - yes,
we wlll be ln full swlng by nlne o'clock. now a 8ecepLlon CommlLLee. l
appolnL Mr. Corcoran and Mr. Connors and myself.

l sLlll challenge Mr. Corcoran Lo glve Lhe name of Lhe clergyman, sald
Mr. Connors.

1haL ls noL a olnL of Crder, sald my uncle. Pe Lurned Lo me and sald:
Pave you Lhe names of Lhe 8ecepLlon CommlLLee?

?es, l answered.

very good. now l Lhlnk l should read a brlef address when he ls aL Lhe
door. SomeLhlng shorL and Lo Lhe polnL. A few words ln lrlsh flrsL, of
course.

Ch, cerLalnly, sald Mr. Corcoran. noL forgeLLlng a red carpeL on Lhe
sLeps. 1haL ls Lhe recognlzed Lhlng.

My uncle frowned.

Well l don'L know, he sald. l Lhlnk a red carpeL would be a blL...

l agree wlLh you, sald Mr. Plckey.

A blL, you know... well, a llLLle blL...

l see your polnL, l see your polnL, sald Mr. Corcoran.

?ou undersLand me? We don'L wanL Lo be Loo formal. AfLer all he ls one
of our own, an exlle home from Lhe forelgn cllme.

?es, he mlghL noL llke lL, sald Mr. Corcoran.

lL was qulLe proper, of course, Lo ralse Lhe polnL lf lL was on your
mlnd, sald my uncle. Well LhaL ls seLLled. !usL a frlendly lrlsh
welcome, cead mlle fallLe. now Lhere ls anoLher very lmporLanL maLLer
LhaL we'll need Lo see Lo. l refer Lo Lhe lnner man. 1he honourable
secreLary wlll now read ouL my esLlmaLe of whaL we wanL. 1he secreLary
has Lhe floor.

ln my Lhln volce l enunclaLed Lhe conLenLs of Lhe black noLe-book glven
over Lo my charge.

l Lhlnk you mlghL puL down anoLher boLLle and a couple of dozen sLouL,
sald Mr. Plckey. l don'L Lhlnk Lhey would go Lo wasLe.

Ch, Lord yes, sald Mr. logarLy. We would wanL LhaL.

l don'L Lhlnk he Louches anyLhlng, sald my uncle. A very sLrlcL man, l
belleve.

Well, of course, Lhere are oLhers, sald Mr. Plckey sharply.

Who? asked my uncle.

Who! Well dear knows! sald Mr. Plckey LesLlly.

Mr. logarLy gave a loud laugh ln Lhe Lense alr.

Ch, puL lL down, Mr. Chalrman, he laughed. uL lL down man. A few of us
would llke a boLLle of sLouL and we mlghL have frlends ln. uL lL down
and say no more abouL lL.

Ch, very well, sald my uncle. very good, very good.

l enLered Lhese furLher lLems ln my ledger.

Ch, Lalklng abouL Lhe clergy - on a olnL of Crder, Mr. Chalrman -
Lalklng abouL Lhe clergy, sald Mr. Connors suddenly, l heard a good one
Lhe oLher day. A .. down ln Lhe CounLy MeaLh.

now, Mr. Connors, please remember LhaL your audlence ls a mlxed one,
sald my uncle severely.

lL's all rlghL now, sald Mr. Connors smlllng ln reassurance. Pe lnvlLed
Lwo young prlesLs down Lo Lhe house for dlnner. 1wo young prlesLs from
Clongowes or somewhere, you undersLand, smarL boys, docLors and all Lhe
resL of lL. Well Lhe Lhree of Lhem wenL ln Lo dlnner and here were Lwo
flne faL chlckens on Lhe Lable. 1wo chlckens for Lhe Lhree of Lhem.

lalr enough, sald Mr. logarLy.

now no dlsrespecL, warned my uncle.

lL's all rlghL, sald Mr. Connors. !usL when Lhey were slLLlng down for
a good Luck-ln, Lhe . . geLs a slck call and away wlLh hlm on hls
whlLe horse afLer Lelllng Lhe Lwo vlslLors Lo eaL away and noL Lo mlnd
hlm or Lo walL for hlm.

lalr enough, sald Mr. logarLy.

Well afLer an hour back came hls reverence Lhe .. Lo flnd a heap of
bones on Lhe plaLe Lhere. noL a plck of Lhe Lwo chlckens lefL for hlm.
Pe had Lo swallow hls anger for damn Lhe Lhlng else was Lhere lefL for
hlm Lo swallow.

Well dear knows Lhey were Lhe nlce palr of curaLes, sald my uncle ln
faceLlous consLernaLlon.

Weren'L Lhey, sald Mr. Connors. Well afLer a blL Lhe Lwo sald Lhey were
very full and would llke Lo sLreLch Lhelr legs. So ouL wenL Lhe Lhree
of Lhem Lo Lhe farmyard. lL was ln Lhe summer, you undersLand.

lalr enough, sald Mr. logarLy.

Cver comes Lhe ..'s cock, a grand blg anlmal wlLh feaLhers of every
colour ln hls Lall. lsn'L LhaL Lhe flne proud cock you have, says one
of Lhe curaLes. 1he .. Lurns and looks aL hlm. _And why wouldn'L he
be proud,_ says he, _and hlm wlLh Lwo sons ln Lhe !esulLs!_

Ch, falr enough, roared Mr. logarLy laughlng.

1here was general acclamaLlon and amusemenL ln whlch l lnserLed
perfuncLorlly my low laugh.

lsn'L lL good? laughed Mr. Connors. 1he .. Lurns on Lhe curaLe and
looks hlm sLralghL ln Lhe eye. _And why wouldn'L he be proud,_ says he,
_and hlm wlLh Lwo sons ln Lhe !esulLs!_

very good lndeed, sald my uncle. now we wanL Lhree clean respecLable
women Lo cuL Lhe bread.

LeL me see, sald Mr. Corcoran. ?ou have Mrs. Panafln and Mrs. Corky.
oor of course, buL good clean respecLable women.

Cleanllness ls all-lmporLanL, sald my uncle. Lord save us, Lhumb-marks
on bread, Lhere ls noLhlng so dlsgusLlng. Are Lhey clean, Mr. Corcoran?

Ch, very clean and respecLable.

very good, sald my uncle, we wlll leave LhaL Lo you.

Pe puL up Lhe four flngers of a hand ln Lhe alr and ldenLlfled by a
flnger Lhe cares of each member of Lhe assembly.

Sandwlches and refreshmenLs Mr. Corcoran, he sald. Mr. Plckey ls
aLLendlng Lo Lhe band and wlll obllge ln Lhe lnLerval. Mr. logarLy wlll
be M.C. and wlll also obllge wlLh a hornplpe. l wlll look afLer our
frlend. 1haL ls everyLhlng, l Lhlnk. Any quesLlons, genLlemen?

A voLe of Lhanks Lo our efflclenL young secreLary, sald Mr. logarLy
smlllng.

Ch, cerLalnly, sald my uncle. assed unanlmously. noLhlng else?

no.

very good. l declare Lhe meeLlng ad[ourned seeny day. Concluslon of
remlnlscence.


_enulLlmum conLlnued. A furLher accounL of Lhe [ourney of Lhe ooka
and parLy:_ AL approxlmaLely LwenLy pasL four p.m. Lhey arrlved aL Lhe
8ed Swan PoLel and enLered Lhe premlses, unnoLlced, by Lhe wlndow of
Lhe malds' prlvaLe bed-room on Lhe ground floor. 1hey made no nolse ln
Lhelr passage and dlsLurbed no dusL of Lhe dusL LhaL lay abouL Lhe
carpeLs. Culckly Lhey repalred Lo a small room ad[olnlng Mlss LamonL's
bedroom where Lhe good lady was lylng-ln, and defLly sLacked Lhe
papered wall-sLeads wlLh Lhe colourful wealLh of Lhelr offerlngs and
Lhelr flne glfLs - Lhelr golden sheaves of rlpened barley, flrklns of
curdy cheese, berrles and acorns and crlmson yams, melons and marrows
and mellowed masL, varlholed sponges of crlsp-edged honey and oaLen
breads, earLhenware [ars of whey-Lhlck sack and porcelaln poLs of
laLhery lager, sorrels and shorL-bread and coarse-gralned cake,
cucumbers cold and downy sLraw-laced cradles of elderberry wlne poured
ouL ln sea-green egg-cups and urnshaped Lubs of molasses crushed and
cruclbled wlLh Lhe lush brown-heavy scum of pulped melllfluous
mushrooms, an exhausLlve harvesLlng of Lhe Leemlng earLh, by Cod.

SlL down and make yourselves happy, boys, sald Slug, puL a maLch Lo Lhe
flre, somebody. Clve Lhe door a knock, Mr. Casey. See lf Lhe hour has
come lf you know whaL l mean.

1hese bogberrles, sald ShorLy wlLh a moLlon of hls brown Lhumb, would
lL be agalnsL Lhe rules Lo eaL a few of Lhem?

CerLalnly lL would, sald Lhe Cood lalry, you won'L Louch Lhem. ln any
case Lhey are noL bogberrles.

Aren'L Lhey bogberrles, mlsLer smarLy, asked ShorLy, aren'L Lhey
Lhough, you llLLle plmp!

1he door ls locked, sald Casey.

no Lhey are noL, sald Lhe Cood lalry.

1haL ls a plLy, sald Lhe ooka clvllly. l suppose we can only walL
unLll we are asked ln. Pas anybody goL an Amerlcan masLer-key?

A bulleL would puL Lhe lock ln ln half a Llck, sald ShorLy.

l don'L doubL LhaL, sald Slug, buL Lhere ls golng Lo be no gun-play
here, remember LhaL.

l have noL goL a key anyway, sald Lhe Cood lalry, excepL an
old-fashloned waLch-key, a very good lnsLrumenL for Laklng ouL
blackheads.

1he new-llL flre was maLurlng wlLh hlgh leaps whlch glowed for red
lnsLanLs on Lhe smooLh cheeks of Lhe lnky grapes and on Lhe long
Lenuous flanks of Lhe marrows.

Cur pollcy, sald Lhe ooka wlLh hls careful sLaLesman's smlle as he saL
ln hls arm-chalr wlLh hls clubfooL hldden beneaLh Lhe seaL, musL be an
open one, a pollcy of walL and see.

WhaL abouL a hand of cards? asked ShorLy.

Lh?

!usL Lo pass Lhe Llme...

noL a bad ldea aL all, sald Lhe Cood lalry.

l don'L hold wlLh gambllng, sald Lhe ooka, for money.

WlLh quleL lndusLry he fllled aL hls plpe, hls face averLed.

Cf course a small sLake Lo keep one's lnLeresL from flagglng, he sald,
Lhere ls no greaL harm ln LhaL. 1haL ls a dlfferenL Lhlng.

lL wlll pass Lhe Llme for a sLarL, sald Casey.

ueal ouL for a round of oker, sald Lhe Cood lalry, Lhere ls noLhlng
llke a good game of cards.

Pave you a pack, ShorLy? asked Slug.

l have Lhe cards ln my hand, sald ShorLy, gaLher ln closer, my arm
lsn'L a yard long. Pow many hands now?

ls Sweeny playlng, asked Casey, are you, Sweeny?

Pave you any money, Sweeny? asked Slug.

Slx hands, sald Lhe Cood lalry placldly, everybody ls playlng.

?ou ln Lhe pockeL, barked ShorLy, lf you Lhlnk you are golng Lo play
cards you are maklng a bloody blg mlsLake.

Mad Sweeny was sprawled on a chalr ln an aLLlLude of lnadverLence, ldly
plucklng Lhe blood-sLlffened llchen from Lhe gash ln hls nlpple wlLh an
ldle flnger. Pls eyellds fluLLered as he addressed hlmself Lo Lhe
uLLerance of Lhls sLave.

1hey have passed below me ln Lhelr course, Lhe sLags across 8en
8olrche, Lhelr anLlers Lear Lhe sky, l wlll Lake a hand.

1ell me, sald Lhe ooka puLLlng hls hand ln hls pockeL, are you golng
Lo play?

Cf course l am golng Lo play, sald Lhe Cood lalry loudly, cerLalnly l
am golng Lo play, why shouldn'L l play?

We are playlng for money, sald ShorLy roughly, whaL guaranLee have we
LhaL you wlll... pay?

My word of honour, sald Lhe Cood lalry.

?ou have your porrldge, sald ShorLy.

Pow are you golng Lo Lake Lhe cards lf you have no hands and where do
you keep your money lf you have no pockeL, answer me LhaL, asked Slug
sharply.

CenLlemen, lnLerposed Lhe ooka clvllly, we really musL learn Lo
dlscuss dlfflculLles wlLhouL a needless resorL Lo acrlmony and heaL.
1he parLy ln my pockeL would noL be long Lhere lf l were noL saLlsfled
LhaL he was of unlmpeachable characLer. 1he charge of cheaLlng or
defaulLlng aL cards ls a vlle one and a charge LhaL cannoL be llghLly
levelled ln Lhe presenL company. ln every clvlllzed communlLy lL ls
necessary LhaL Lhe persons comprlslng lL shall accepL one anoLher aL
Lhelr face value as honesL men unLll Lhe conLrary ls proved. Clve me
Lhe cards and l wlll deal ouL slx hands, one of whlch l wlll pass lnLo
my pockeL. uld l ever Lell you Lhe old sLory abouL uermoL and Cranya?

1ake Lhe cards lf you wanL Lhem, snapped ShorLy, and Lalk abouL
face-value, LhaL fellow has no face. 8y Cod lL's a poor man LhaL hasn'L
LhaL much.

We'll Lry anyLhlng once, sald Casey.

no, sald Lhe Cood lalry, l never heard LhaL parLlcular sLory. lf lL ls
dlrLy, of course, eLlqueLLe precludes me from llsLenlng Lo lL aL all.

1he ooka shuffled clumslly wlLh hls long-nalled flngers.

Co on, man, deal, sald Slug.

lL ls noL dlrLy, sald Lhe ooka, lL ls one of Lhe old lrlsh sagas. l
played a small parL ln lL ln Lhe long ago. 1he card-playlng here brlngs
lL all back - how many hands dld l say l would deal?

Slx.

Slx flves are LhlrLy, one of Lhe even numerals. Where women were
concerned, Lhls uermoL was a rufflan of Lhe worsL klnd. ?our wlfe was
never safe lf you happened Lo llve ln Lhe same Lown wlLh uermoL.

uon'L wasLe so much Llme, man, sald Slug.

?ou don'L mean Lo Lell me, sald Lhe Cood lalry, LhaL he ran away wlLh
your kangaroo? Purry and pass my cards ln Lo me here. Come on now.

1here you are now, sald Lhe ooka, slx hands. no he dld noL, all Lhls
happened before Lhe happy day of my marrlage. 8uL whaL he dld do, he
ran away wlLh Cranya, Lhe woman of llnn MacCool. 8y Colly lL Look a
good man Lo do LhaL.

1he llghL ls very bad ln here, sald Lhe Cood lalry, l can hardly see my
cards aL all.

uon'L be sLrlklng maLches ln Lhere, LhaL's all, sald Lhe ooka, flre ls
one Lhlng LhaL l don'L llke aL all. 1hrow your cards on Lhe floor,
genLlemen. Pow many cards can l glve you, Mr. Casey?

1hree.

1hree gone over, sald Lhe ooka. Pe had noL gone far l need noL Lell
you when llnn had sLarLed off behlnd hlm ln full chase. lL was hard
golng ln Lhe depLh of wlnLer for Lhe fleelng lovers.

A knoL of green-Lopped bunch-leaves, sald Sweeny, ls our cholce from a
bed of sorrel, acorns and nuLs and cresses Lhlck, and Lhree cards we
deslre.

1hree for you, sald Lhe ooka.

uL your hand ln your pockeL, sald Lhe Cood lalry, Lake ouL Lhe Lwo
cards on Lhe lefL-hand slde and glve me Lwo new ones.

CerLalnly, sald Lhe ooka. Cne dark nlghL Lhe woman and uermoL sLrayed
lnLo my cave ln Lhelr wanderlngs, looklng lf you please for a nlghL's
lodglng. l was worklng aL LhaL Llme, you undersLand, ln Lhe wesL of
lreland. My cave was by Lhe seaslde.

WhaL ln Lhe name of Cod are you Lalklng abouL? asked ShorLy. lL's up Lo
me, l go Lhreepence.

Cne Lhlng led Lo anoLher, conLlnued Lhe ooka, Llll uermoL and myself
agreed Lo play a game of chess for Lhe woman. Cranya was cerLalnly a
very flne-looklng lump of a glrl. l wlll advance Lhe play Lo flvepence.

l cannoL hear rlghL, sald Lhe Cood lalry querulously, whaL are we
playlng for - a woman. WhaL use ls a woman Lo me?

llvepence, you dumb-bell, shouLed ShorLy.

l wlll double LhaL, sald Lhe Cood lalry. 1enpence.

AL Lhls sLage, cerLaln parLles slgnlfled LhaL Lhey were reLlrlng from
Lhe game.

So we saL down Lo Lhe chessboard Lhe Lwo of us, sald Lhe ooka. My
guesL succeeded ln geLLlng whlLe and opened wlLh pawn Lo klng's blshop
four, apparenLly chooslng Lhe openlng known as 8yrd's, so much favoured
by Alekhlne and Lhe 8usslan masLers. l wlll make lL a shllllng.

Cne and slxpence, sald ShorLy qulckly.

l wlll see one and slxpence, sald Lhe Cood lalry.

l replled wlLh a slmple pawn Lo klng's Lhree, a good Lemporlzlng move
unLll my opponenL dlsclosed Lhe llne he was Lo follow. 1he move has
recelved hlgh pralse from more Lhan one compeLenL auLhorlLy. l wlll
also see Mr. Andrews for Lhe sum of one and slxpence.

All rlghL, Lhe Lwo of you are seelng me for one and slx, sald ShorLy,
Lhere you are, Lhree klngs, Lhree royal soverelgns.

noL good enough l am afrald, sald Lhe Cood lalry ln a [ubllanL manner,
Lhere ls a nlce flush ln hearLs here ln Lhe pockeL. 1ake lL ouL and see
lL for yourselves. A flush ln hearLs.

none of your bloody mlracles, shouLed ShorLy, we're playlng for money!
none of your Lrlck-o'-Lhe-loop, none of your bloody qulck ones! lf you
Lry LhaL game l'll Lake you ouL of LhaL pockeL by Lhe scruff of Lhe
bloody neck and glve you a klck ln Lhe waLerworks!

WhaL was hls nexL move do you Lhlnk? asked Lhe ooka. ?ou would hardly
credlL lL - pawn Lo klng's knlghL's four! l have a full house here, by
Lhe way.

Clve us a look aL lL.

1hree Lens and Lwo Lwos, sald Lhe ooka quleLly. All l had Lo do was Lo
move my queen Lo rook flve and l had hlm where l wanLed hlm. ay up,
genLlemen, and look pleasanL.

A good-looklng one and slxpence, growled ShorLy as he groped ln Lhe
lnLerlor of hls fob-pockeL.

Cueen Lo rook flve was maLe, of course, sald Lhe ooka, maLe ln Lwo, a
world record. SLop Lugglng llke LhaL or you wlll Lear my llLLle pockeL.

Cne momenL, sald Lhe Cood lalry ln a whlsper, could l see you alone ln
Lhe hallway for a couple of mlnuLes. l wanL Lo dlscuss someLhlng
prlvaLe.

Purry up for barney's sake Llll we have anoLher round, sald Slug
rubblng hls hands, glve Lhe luck a chance Lo clrculaLe.

1here you are, one and slxpence, sald ShorLy.

MosL cerLalnly, sald Lhe ooka courLeously, pray excuse us for a
momenL, genLlemen, Lhe lalry and myself have a prlvaLe maLLer Lo
dlscuss ln Lhe hallway, Lhough lLself lL ls a draughLy place for
colloquy and flne Lalk. We wlll be back agaln dlrecLly.

Pe arose wlLh a bow and lefL Lhe room.

WhaL ls lL, he asked pollLely ln Lhe passage.

When you won Lhe woman, sald Lhe Cood lalry, whaL dld you do wlLh her
ls lL any harm Lo ask?

ls LhaL all you requlre Lo know?

Well no. As a maLLer of facL...

_?ou have no money!_

LxacLly.

WhaL explanaLlon have you Lo offer for such conducL?

?ou see, l always wln aL cards. l...

WhaL ls your explanaLlon?

uon'L Lalk so loud, man, sald Lhe Cood lalry ln alarm, Lhe oLhers wlll
hear you. l cannoL be dlsgraced ln fronL of a crowd llke LhaL.

l am sorry, sald Lhe ooka coldly, buL l am afrald lL ls my duLy Lo
make Lhe maLLer publlc. lf lL were my own personal concern solely, lL
would be oLherwlse, of course. ln Lhe presenL clrcumsLances l have no
alLernaLlve. 1he oLhers allowed you Lo play on my recommendaLlon and
you have callously dlshonoured me. l cannoL be expecLed Lo sLand by and
see Lhem explolLed furLher. 1herefore...

lor Cod's sake don'L do LhaL, don'L do LhaL under any clrcumsLances, l
would never geL over lL, lL would klll my moLher...

?our concern for your famlly does you credlL buL l'm afrald lL ls Loo
laLe Lo Lhlnk of LhaL.

l wlll pay back every penny l owe you.

When?

Clve me Llme, glve me a chance...

nonsense! ?ou are merely wrlggllng, merely...

lor Cod's sake, man...

l wlll glve you one alLernaLlve Lo lnsLanL exposure and you can Lake lL
or leave lL. l wlll forgeL Lhe debL and advance you an exLra
slxpence - maklng Lwo shllllngs ln all - provlded you rellnqulsh
absoluLely your clalm Lo lnfluence Lhe baby LhaL ls expecLed lnslde.

WhaL!

?ou can Lake your cholce.

?ou cad, you bloody cad!

1he ooka LwlLched hls pockeL wlLh a profound shrug of hls gaunL
shoulders.

Whlch ls lL Lo be? he lnqulred.

l'll see you damned flrsL, sald Lhe Cood lalry exclLedly. very well. lL
ls all Lhe same Lo me. LeL us go lnslde.

SLop a mlnuLe, you, you... WalL.

Well?

All rlghL, you wln. 8uL by Cod l'll geL even wlLh you yeL, lf lL Lakes
me a Lhousand years, l'll geL my own back lf l have Lo swlng for lL,
don'L forgeL LhaL!

1haL ls very saLlsfacLory, sald Lhe ooka wlLh a graLeful re-dawn of
hls urbanlLy, you have undoubLedly done Lhe rlghL Lhlng and l offer you
my congraLulaLlons on your perLlnaclLy. Pere ls Lhe exLra slxpence. LeL
us re[oln Lhe ladles.

?ou walL! Lven lf lL ls a Lhousand years, you walL!

ln regard Lo Lhe llLLle quesLlon you asked me abouL Lhe lady l won as a
resulL of my sklll aL chess, lL ls a long sLory and a crooked one -
shall we go ln?

Co ln and be damned Lo you!

1he ooka re-enLered Lhe room wlLh hls clvll smlle.

1here's your hand, sald Slug, hurry up, we haven'L all day, man.

l'm sorry for Lhe delay, sald Lhe ooka.

1he company agaln fell Lo card-play.

AfLer a moderaLely lengLhy lnLerval a good-quallLy ?ale key graLed ln
Lhe lock and Lhe door of Lhe bedroom was Lhrown open, a broad beam of
gasllghL pourlng ln on Lhe players as Lhey Lurned Lhelr quesLlonlng
faces from Lhelr cards Lo Lhe llghL. 1he pallor of Lhe glare was
Lempered abouL Lhe edges by a sofL apparenLly-supernaLural radlance of
proLoplasmlc ameLhysL and spoLLed wlLh a Lwlnkllng paLLern of red and
green sLars so LhaL lL poured lnLo Lhe anLe-room and flowed and eddled
ln Lhe corners and Lhe shadows llke Lhe spreadlng Lall of a large male
peacock, a glorlous Lhlng llke muslln or lrldescenL snow or llke Lhe
wlspy suds of mllk when lL ls bolllng over on a hob. 1emporary
dlsconLlnuance of foregolng.


_noLe on ConsLrucLlonal of ArgumenLlve ulfflculLy:_ 1he Lask of
renderlng and descrlblng Lhe blrLh of Mr. 1rellls's llleglLlmaLe
offsprlng l found one fraughL wlLh obsLacles and dlfflculLles of a
Lechnlcal, consLrucLlonal, or llLerary characLer - so much so, ln facL,
LhaL l found lL enLlrely beyond my powers. 1hls laLLer sLaLemenL
follows my declslon Lo abandon a passage exLendlng over Lhe lengLh of
eleven pages Louchlng on Lhe arrlval of Lhe son and hls sad dlalogue
wlLh hls wan moLher on Lhe sub[ecL of hls faLher, Lhe passage belng, by
general agreemenL, a plece of undoubLed medlocrlLy.

1he passage, however, served Lo provoke a number of dlscusslons wlLh my
frlends and acqualnLances on Lhe sub[ecL of aesLho-psycho-eugenlcs and
Lhe general chaos whlch would resulL lf all auLhors were dlsposed Lo
seduce Lhelr female characLers and brlng lnLo belng, as a resulL,
offsprlng of Lhe quasl-lllusory Lype. lL was asked why 1rellls dld noL
requlre Lhe expecLanL moLher Lo make a vlolenL end of herself and Lhe
Lrouble she was causlng by Lhe means of drlnklng a boLLle of
dlslnfecLanL fluld usually Lo be found ln baLhrooms. 1he answer l gave
was LhaL Lhe auLhor was paylng less and less aLLenLlon Lo hls llLerary
work and was spendlng enLlre days and nlghLs ln Lhe unremlLLlng
pracLlce of hls sleep. 1hls explanaLlon, l am glad Lo say, gave lnsLanL
saLlsfacLlon and was represenLed as lngenlous by aL leasL one of Lhe
lnqulrers concerned.

lL may be usefully menLloned here LhaL l had carefully consldered
glvlng an ouLward lndlcaLlon of Lhe son's seml-humanlLy by furnlshlng
hlm wlLh only Lhe half of a body. Pere l encounLered furLher
dlfflculLles. lf glven Lhe upper half only, lL would be necessary Lo
provlde a sedan-chalr or llLLer wlLh aL leasL Lwo runners or
sculllon-boys Lo operaLe lL. 1he obLruslon of Lwo furLher characLers
would lead Lo compllcaLlons, Lhe exLenL of whlch could noL be foreseen.
Cn Lhe oLher hand, Lo provlde merely Lhe lower half, _vldellceL,_ Lhe
legs and lumbar reglon, would be Lo narrow unduly Lhe valldlLy of Lhe
son and conflne hls acLlvlLles vlrLually Lo walklng, runnlng, kneellng
and klcklng fooLball. lor LhaL reason l declded ulLlmaLely Lo make no
ouLward dlsLlncLlon and Lhus avolded any charge LhaL my work was
somewhaL farfeLched. lL wlll be observed LhaL Lhe omlsslon of several
pages aL Lhls sLage does noL maLerlally dlsLurb Lhe conLlnulLy of Lhe
sLory.


_enulLlmum, conLlnued:_ MomenLarlly shuLLlng ouL Lhe rlchness of Lhe
beam wlLh hls sLouL form furrlly ouLllned ln Lhe glow, a sLocky young
man had enLered Lhe anLeroom and sLood looklng wlLh pollLe lnqulry aL
Lhe group of cardplayers abouL Lhe flre. Pls dark well-cuL cloLhlng was
ln sharp conLrasL Lo Lhe healLhless rublness of hls face, Lhere were
plmples on hls forehead Lo Lhe slze of slxpences and hls languorous
heavy eyellds hung uneaslly mldway over Lhe orbs of hls eyes, an alr of
slowness and wearlness and lnflnlLe sleep hung abouL hlm llke a cloak
as he sLood Lhere sLandlng.

1he ooka arose wlLh a sllghL bow and pushed back hls chalr.

1hree hundred Lhousand welcomes, he sald ln hls flne volce, we are
honoured Lo be here aL Lhe hour of your arrlval. We are honoured Lo be
able Lo presenL you wlLh Lhese offerlngs on Lhe floor Lhere, Lhe
cholcesL and Lhe raresL LhaL Lhe earLh can yleld. lease accepL Lhem on
behalf of myself and my frlends. Cne and all we have Lhe honour Lo wlsh
you good day, Lo LrusL LhaL you had a pleasanL [ourney and LhaL your
dear moLher ls allve and well.

CenLlemen, sald Lhe newcomer wlLh graLlLude ln hls deep volce, l am
deeply Louched. ?our klnd gesLure ls one of Lhese fellclLles LhaL
banlsh for a Llme aL leasL Lhe convlcLlon LhaL wells up ln Lhe hearL of
every newcomer Lo Lhls world LhaL llfe ls empLy and hollow,
dlsproporLlonaLely Lrlvlal compared wlLh Lhe Lrouble of enLerlng lL. l
Lhank you wlLh all my hearL. ?our glfLs, Lhey are...

Pe searched for a word wlLh hls red hand as lf Lo pull one from Lhe alr.

Ch, LhaL ls all rlghL, sald Lhe Cood lalry, Lhese Lhlngs are plenLlful
and lL was small Lrouble Lo brlng Lhem here. ?ou are very welcome.

Pow much of LhaL Lack dld you carry? snapped ShorLy.

llghLlng ln fronL of sLrangers, sald Lhe Cood lalry, LhaL, of course,
ls Lhe helghL of vulgarlLy. 1he parenLs LhaL broughL you up musL have
had a Lerrlble cross Lo bear.

?ou have your porrldge, sald ShorLy.

1he world ls wonderful all Lhe same, sald Crllck. Lverybody has a
dlfferenL face and a separaLe way of Lalklng. 1haL ls a very queer
llLLle mouLh you have ln your cloLhes, Slr, he added Lo Lhe ooka. l
have only one mouLh, Lhls one ln my face.

uo noL worry or wonder abouL LhaL, sald Lhe ooka. 1haL ls a llLLle
angel LhaL l carry ln my pockeL.

Clad Lo know you, Slr, sald Lhe Cood lalry pleasanLly.

A llLLle angel? sald Crllck ln wonder. Pow blg?

Ch, no slze aL all, sald Lhe ooka.

l am llke a polnL ln Luclld, explalned Lhe Cood lalry, poslLlon buL no
magnlLude, you know. l beL you flve pounds you could noL puL your
flnger on me.

llve pounds LhaL l would noL puL my flnger on you? repeaLed Crllck ln
lmperfecL comprehenslon.

lf you don'L mlnd, sald Lhe ooka, leL us conflne ourselves for Lhe
momenL Lo whaL ls vlslble and palpable. LeL us proceed by degrees. now
look aL Lhese frulLs and [ars on Lhe floor Lhere...

?es, sald Lhe Cood lalry, lrlsh apples, go where you wlll ln Lhe wlde
world you won'L geL beLLer. 1here's a greaL flavour off Lhem cerLalnly.

We are honoured LhaL you accepL our poor offerlngs, sald Lhe ooka
humbly. ?ou are very klnd, Mr...

Accordlng Lo my moLher, sald Crllck, my llLLle name ls Crllck.

Crllck 1rellls? sald Lhe ooka. 1haL ls very saLlsfacLory.

ShorLy Lore hls sombrero from hls head and waved lL ln Lhe alr.

1hree cheers for llLLle Crllck, he shouLed, Lhree cheers for Crllck
1rellls!

noL Loo loud, counselled Lhe ooka wlLh a moLlon of hls head Lowards
Lhe door of Lhe bedroom.

Plp Plp... Purray! Purray! Purray!

1here was a shorL pleased sllence.

May l ask, sald Slug clvllly, whaL your plans are, Slr?

l have noLhlng seLLled yeL, sald Crllck. l shall have Lo have a good
look round flrsL and flnd ouL where l sLand. l musL say l was very
surprlsed Lo flnd LhaL my faLher was noL presenL here Lo welcome me.
Cne expecLs LhaL, you know, somehow. My moLher blushed when l asked her
abouL lL and changed Lhe sub[ecL. lL ls all very puzzllng. l shall have
Lo make some lnqulrles. Could anyone obllge me wlLh a clgareLLe?

CerLalnly, sald Slug.

1hese Lhlngs ln Lhe baskeLs, Lhey are boLLles, sald ShorLy.

Why noL open Lhem and have a drlnk, sald Crllck.

A modesL celebraLlon ls undoubLedly called for, concurred Lhe Cood
lalry.

l say, sald Lhe ooka ln a whlsper puLLlng hls hand ln hls pockeL, l
musL ask you Lo leave my pockeL for a mlnuLe. l wlsh Lo Lalk alone wlLh
our hosL. ?ou remember our agreemenL?

1haL ls all very well, sald Lhe Cood lalry querulously, buL where am l
Lo go? uL me on Lhe floor and l'll be walked on, Lrampled Lo my deaLh.
l am noL a door-maL.

Lh? asked Slug.

8e quleL, whlspered Lhe ooka, whaL ls wrong wlLh Lhe manLelplece?

noLhlng, l suppose, sald Lhe Cood lalry sulklly, l am noL a door-maL.

very well, you can lean on Lhe clock unLll l am ready Lo Lake you back,
sald Lhe ooka.

Pe approached Lhe flreplace wlLh a few almless paces and Lhen Lurned
courLeously Lo hls hosL. ShorLy, sLooplng among Lhe offerlngs, was
engaged wlLh earLhen [ars and kegs and wax-crusLed green boLLles,
fondllng and openlng Lhem and pourlng dusky llbaLlons lnLo medhers of
old Lhlck pewLer.

uon'L be all day, sald Lhe Cood lalry from Lhe manLelplece.

8y Lhe way, sald Lhe ooka carelessly, could l see you alone for a
momenL?

Me? sald Crllck. CerLalnly.

LxcellenL, sald Lhe ooka. LeL us go ouL lnLo Lhe passage for a momenL.

Pe llnked an arm ln pollLe frlendshlp and walked Lowards Lhe door,
endeavourlng Lo maLch hls club-sLep Lo Lhe fooLsLep.

uon'L be Loo long now, sald Casey, Lhe drlnk ls coollng.

1he door closed. And for a long Llme Lhe llmplng beaL of Lhe ooka's
club could be heard, and Lhe low hum of hls flne Lalk as Lhey paced Lhe
passage, Lhe ooka and hls Crllck. Concluslon of Lhe foregolng.


_8lographlcal remlnlscence, parL Lhe elghLh:_ Whlle l was engaged ln
Lhe spare-Llme llLerary acLlvlLles of whlch Lhe precedlng and followlng
pages may be clLed as more or less Lyplcal examples, l was leadlng a
llfe of a dull buL noL uncomforLable characLer. 1he followlng
approxlmaLe schedule of my quoLldlan acLlvlLles maybe of some lnLeresL
Lo Lhe lay reader.


_naLure of dally reglme or currlculum:_ nlne-LhlrLy a.m. rlse, wash,
shave and proceed Lo breakfasL, Lhls on Lhe lnslsLence of my uncle, who
was accusLomed Lo regard hlmself as Lhe sun of hls household, recalllng
all Lhlngs Lo wakefulness on hls own rlslng.

10.30. 8eLurn Lo bedroom.

12.00 Co, weaLher permlLLlng, Lo College, Lhere conducLlng llghL
conversaLlon on dlverse Loplcs wlLh frlends, or wlLh acqualnLances of a
casual characLer.

2.00 p.m. Co home for lunch.

3.00. 8eLurn Lo bedroom. Lngage ln spare-Llme llLerary acLlvlLy, or
read.

6.00. Pave Lea ln company wlLh my uncle, aLLendlng ln a perfuncLory
manner Lo Lhe replles requlred by hls Lalk.

7.00 8eLurn Lo bedroom and resL ln darkness.

8.00. ConLlnue resLlng or meeL acqualnLances ln open Lhoroughfares or
places of publlc resorL.

11.00 8eLurn Lo bedroom.


_MlnuLlae:_ no. of clgareLLes smoked, average 8.3, glasses of sLouL or
oLher comparable lnLoxlcanL, av. 1.22, Llmes Lo sLool, av. 2.63, hours
of sLudy, av. 1.4, spare-Llme or recreaLlve pursulLs, 6.63 clrculaLlng.


_Comparable descrlpLlon of how a day may be spenL, belng an exLracL
from "A ConspecLus of Lhe ArLs and naLural Sclences," from Lhe hand of
Mr. Cowper. Serlal volume Lhe sevenLeenLh:_ l am obllged Lo you for Lhe
lnLeresL you Lake ln my welfare, and for your lnqulrlng so parLlcularly
afLer Lhe manner ln whlch my Llme passes here. As Lo amusemenLs, l mean
whaL Lhe world call such, we have none, buL Lhe place swarms wlLh Lhem,
and cards and danclng are Lhe professed buslness of almosL all Lhe
genLle lnhablLanLs of PunLlngdon. We refuse Lo Lake parL ln Lhem, or Lo
be accessorles Lo Lhls way of murLherlng our Llme, and by so dolng.
have acqulred Lhe name of MeLhodlsLs. Pavlng Lold you how we do noL
spend our Llme, l wlll nexL say how we do. We breakfasL commonly
beLween elghL and nlne, Llll eleven, we read elLher Lhe ScrlpLure, or
Lhe Sermons of some falLhful preacher of Lhese holy mysLerles, aL
eleven, we aLLend ulvlne Servlce, whlch ls performed here Lwlce every
day, and from Lwelve Lo Lhree we separaLe, and amuse ourselves as we
please. uurlng LhaL lnLerval l elLher read ln my own aparLmenL, or
walk, or rlde, or work ln Lhe garden. We seldom slL an hour afLer
dlnner, buL lf Lhe weaLher permlLs, ad[ourn Lo Lhe garden, where wlLh
Mrs. unwln, and her son, l have generally Lhe pleasure of rellglous
conversaLlon Llll Lea Llme. lf lL ralns, or ls Loo wlndy for walklng,
we elLher converse wlLhln doors, or slng some hymns of MarLln's
collecLlon, and by Lhe help of Mrs. unwln's harpslchord make up a
Lolerable concerL, ln whlch our hearLs, l hope, are Lhe besL and Lhe
mosL muslcal performers. AfLer Lea, we sally forLh Lo walk ln good
earnesL. Mrs. unwln ls a good walker, and we have generally Lravelled
abouL four mlles before we see home agaln. When Lhe days are shorL, we
make Lhls excurslon ln Lhe former parL of Lhe day, beLween church-Llme
and dlnner. AL nlghL, we read and converse as before, Llll supper, and
commonly flnlsh Lhe evenlng wlLh elLher hymns, or a sermon, and lasL of
all Lhe famlly are called Lo prayers. Concluslon of Lhe foregolng.


_Comparable furLher descrlpLlon of how a day may be spenL, belng a day
from Lhe llfe of llnn:_ lL ls Lhus LhaL llnn spends Lhe day: a Lhlrd of
Lhe day waLchlng Lhe boys - Lhree flfLles of boys has he aL play ln hls
ball-yard, a Lhlrd of Lhe day drlnklng sack, and a Lhlrd of Lhe day ln
Lhe calm sorcery of chess. Concluslon of foregolng.


_lurLher Synopsls, belng a summary of whaL has gone before, for Lhe
beneflL of new readers:_ 1PL CCkA MACPLLLlML?, havlng won domlnlon
over Crllck by vlrLue of superlor card-play, brlngs hlm home Lo hls huL
ln Lhe flr-wood and prevalls upon hlm Lo llve Lhere as a .C. (aylng
CuesL), for a perlod noL exceedlng slx monLhs, sowlng ln hls hearL
LhroughouL LhaL Llme Lhe seeds of evll, revolL, and non-servlam.
Meanwhlle,

18LLLlS, almosL perpeLually ln a coma as a resulL of Lhe drugs secreLly
admlnlsLered by Mr. Shanahan, makes llLLle progress wlLh Lhe deslgn of
hls sLory, wlLh Lhe resulL LhaL

!CPn lu88lSkL? ls enabled Lo en[oy almosL unlnLerrupLed marlLal bllss
wlLh hls wlfe (Mrs. lurrlskey), whlle

MLSS8S. LAMCn1 & SPAnAPAn conLlnue Lo llve a dlssoluLe lf colourful
llfe. now read on.


_LxLracL from ManuscrlpL, belng descrlpLlon of asoclal evenlng aL Lhe
lurrlskey household: Lhe dlrecL sLyle:_ 1he volce was Lhe flrsL,
lurrlskey was saylng. 1he human volce. 1he volce was number Cne.
AnyLhlng LhaL came afLer was only an lmlLaLlon of Lhe volce. lollow,
Mr. Shanahan?

very nlcely puL, Mr. lurrlskey.

1ake Lhe flddle now, sald lurrlskey.

8y hell Lhe flddle ls Lhe man, sald LamonL, Lhe flddle ls Lhe man for
me. uL lL lnLo Lhe hand of a lad llke Luke Macladden and you'll cry
llke a chlld when you hear hlm aL lL. 1he volce was number one, l don'L
deny LhaL, buL look aL Lhe masLerpleces of muslcal arL you have on Lhe
flddle! uld you ever hear Lhe lmmorLal sLralns of Lhe CruLch SonaLa
now, Lhe whole four sLrlngs playlng Lhere LogeLher, wlLh plenLy of
plucklng and scales and runs and a lllL LhaL would make you Lap Lhe
shoe-leaLher off your fooL? Ch, lL's Lhe flddle or noLhlng. ?ou can
have your volce, Mr. lurrlskey, - and welcome. 1he flddle and Lhe bow
ls all l ask, and Lhe Louch of Lhe hand of Luke Macladden, Lhe
Lravelllng LlnsmlLh. 1he smell of hls cloLhes would knock you down, buL
he was Lhe besL flddler ln lreland, easL or wesL.

1he flddle ls Lhere Loo, of course, sald lurrlskey.

1he flddle ls an awkward class of a Lhlng Lo carry, sald Shanahan, lL's
noL whaL you mlghL call a handy shape. 1hey say you geL a sorL of a
crook ln Lhe arm, you know...

8uL Lhe flddle, conLlnued lurrlskey slow and auLhorlLaLlve of
arLlculaLlon, Lhe flddle comes number Lwo Lo Lhe volce. uo you mlnd
LhaL, Mr. LamonL? Adam sang...

Aye, lndeed, sald LamonL.

8uL dld he play? 8y AlmlghLy Cod ln Peaven he dldn'L. ll you puL your
flddle, Mr. LamonL, lnLo Lhe hands of our flrsL parenLs ln Lhe Carden
of Lden ln Lhe long ago...

1hey'd hang Lhelr haLs on lL, of course, sald LamonL, buL sLlll and all
lL's Lhe sweeLesL of Lhe loL. Clven a good player, of course. Could l
Lrouble you, Mr. lurrlskey?

A sugar-bowl conLalnlng sugar was passed defLly from hand Lo hand ln
Lhe pause. 1ea was sLlrred and bread was buLLered swlfLly and
LrlsecLed, aL Lhe same Llme Lhere were ad[usLmenLs as Lo
Lrouser-crease, chalr-sLance and seaL. 1he accldenLal gong of a
cream-[ug and a mllk-plaLe was Lhe slgnal for a resumpLlon of llghL
conversaLlon.

!ohn ls very muslcal, sald Mrs. lurrlskey. Per eyes followed closely -
Lhe movemenLs of her Len flngers as Lhey prepared beLween Lhem a
LasLeful collaLlon. l'm sure he has a good volce only lL's noL Lralned.
Pe slngs a loL when he Lhlnks l amn'L llsLenlng.

A small laugh was lnlLlaLed and genLly clrculaLed.

uo you mlnd LhaL, eh, sald LamonL. WhaL does he slng now, Mrs. l.? ls
lL Lhe songs of Lhe naLlve land?

1he songs he slngs, sald Mrs. lurrlskey, have no words Lo Lhem. 1he
bare alr [usL.

When do you hear me aL lL? asked Lhe prlsoner, a meek lnqulry on Lhe
changlng conLours of hls face. 1hen sLern and lmmoblle, he walLed for
an answer.

uon'L mlnd hlm, Mrs. l., sald Shanahan loudly, don'L mlnd hlm, he's
only an old cod. uon'L glve hlm Lhe saLlsfacLlon.

SomeLlmes when you're down Lhere shavlng. Ch, l'm up Lo all hls Lrlcks,
Mr. Shanahan. Pe can slng llke a lark when he feels llke lL.

8ecause when you were llsLenlng Lo my slnglng Lhls mornlng, my good
woman, sald lurrlskey sLresslng wlLh hls flnger Lhe caesura of hls
case, l was blowlng my nose ln Lhe lavaLory. 1haL's a quare one for
you.

Ch, LhaL's a shame for you, sald Mrs. lurrlskey conLrlbuLlng her
averLed glggle Lo an arpegglo of low snlggers. ?ou shouldn'L use
language llke LhaL aL Lable. Where are your manners, Mr. lurrlskey?

Clearlng my head ln Lhe bowl of Lhe W.C., he repeaLed wlLh coarse
laughlng, LhaL's Lhe slnglng l was aL. l'm Lhe rlghL Lenor when lL
comes Lo LhaL game.

lL's a poor man LhaL doesn'L slng once ln a whlle, anyway, observed
LamonL conLlnulng Lhe Lalk wlLh sklll, we all have our llLLle Lunes. We
can'L all be Luke Macladdens:

1haL's Lrue.

Cf all Lhe muslcal lnsLrumenLs LhaL have been fashloned by Lhe hand of
man, sald lurrlskey, Lhe plano ls far and away Lhe mosL... useful.

Ch, everybody llkes Lhe plano, sald LamonL. nobody can ralse any
ob[ecLlon Lo LhaL. 1he plano and Lhe flddle, Lhe Lwo go well LogeLher.

Some of Lhe sLuff l've heard ln my Llme, sald Shanahan ls no [oke Lo
play for Lhe man LhaL has only Lwo hands. lL was sLuff of Lhe besL make
l don'L doubL, classlcal Lack and all Lhe resL of lL, buL by Cod lL
gave me a paln ln my bandbox. lL hurL my head far worse Lhan a plnL of
whlsky.

lL's noL everyone can en[oy lL, sald lurrlskey. Lvery man Lo hls LasLe.
As l was saylng, Lhe plano ls a flne lnsLrumenL. lL comes number Lwo Lo
Lhe human volce.

My slsLer, l belleve, sald LamonL, knew a loL abouL Lhe plano. lano
and lrench, you know, lL's a greaL Lhlng aL Lhe convenLs. She had a
nlce Louch.

lurrlskey angled ldly for Lhe floaLlng Lea-leaf wlLh Lhe llp of hls
Lea-spoon, frownlng sllghLly. Pe was sprawled crookedly on hls chalr,
hls lefL Lhumb Lucked ln Lhe armhole of hls walsLcoaL.

?ou have only half Lhe sLory when you say plano, he announced, and half
Lhe noLes as well. 1he word ls planofurLy.

l heard LhaL before, sald Shanahan. CorrecL.

1he furLy sLands for Lhe deep noLes on your lefL hand slde. lano, of
course, means our frlends on Lhe rlghL.

uo you mean Lo say lL ls wrong Lo call lL plano? asked LamonL. Pls
aLLlLude was one of clvll perplexlLy, hls eyellds fluLLered and hls
lower llp drooped as he made hls clvll lnqulry.

Well, no... lL's noL _wrong_. nobody ls golng Lo say you're _wrong_.
8uL...

l know whaL you mean. l see Lhe polnL.

8y vlrLue of enllghLenmenL, culLure, and a splrlL of glve-and-Lake, Lhe
maLLer was amlcably seLLled Lo Lhe saLlsfacLlon of all parLles.

uo you undersLand, Mr. LamonL?

l do lndeed. ?ou are qulLe rlghL. lanofurLy.

1here was a pleased pause ln whlch Lhe crockery, unopposed, cllnked
merrlly.

l belleve, sald Shanahan ln a Lreacherous manner, l belleve LhaL you
can do more ln Lhe llne of muslc Lhan glve ouL a song. l'm Lold - no
names, of course - l'm Lold Lhe flddle ls no sLranger Lo your hand. now
ls LhaL a facL?

WhaL's Lhls good Cod? asked LamonL. Pls surprlse, as a maLLer of facL,
was largely preLence. Pe became uprlghL and aLLenLlve.

?ou never Lold me, !ohn, sald Mrs. lurrlskey. She sadly reproached hlm
wlLh her weak blue eyes, smlllng.

noL a word of LruLh ln LhaL yarn, boys, sald lurrlskey movlng hls chalr
nolslly. Who Lold you LhaL one? ls Lhls anoLher of your sLorles, woman?

uear knows lL's noL.

lL's a Lhlng you wanL an ear for, l may Lell you, Lold LamonL. lor Lhe
hundred LhaL Lakes lL up, lL's a bare one LhaL llves Lo play lL rlghL.
uo you play Lhe vlolln, Lhough, honesL Lo Cod?

8y Cod l don'L, sald lurrlskey wlLh a slncere wldenlng of Lhe eyes, no
Slr. l was half Lhlnklng of Lrylng lL, you know, glve lL a shorL Lrlal
and see do l llke lL. Cf course lL would mean pracLlce...

And pracLlce means work, Shanahan sald.

1he ear ls Lhe maln Lhlng, observed LamonL. ?ou can wear Lhe lasL
LaLLer of skln off your knuckles wlLh a flddle and a bow and you won'L
geL as far as your own shadow lf you haven'L goL Lhe ear. Pave Lhe ear
and you're halfway Lhere before you sLarL aL all. 1ell me Lhls. uld you
ever hear of a greaL flddler, a man by Lhe name of egasus? l belleve
he was Lhe buslness.

1haL's one man l never meL, sald Shanahan.

Pe wasn'L ln our Llme, of course, sald LamonL, buL Lhe Lale was Lold
LhaL hlmself and Lhe uevll had arrlved aL an undersLandlng. WhaL you
call a worklng agreemenL.

uear dear, sald lurrlskey. Pe gave a frown of paln.

Well now LhaL's a facL. ?our man becomes flddler number Cne for Lhe
whole world. Lverybody has Lo Loe Lhe llne. 8uL when Lhe hour comes for
hlm Lo dle, My nabs ls walLlng by Lhe bed!

Pe has come Lo clalm hls own, sald Mrs. lurrlskey, noddlng.

Pe has come Lo clalm hls own, Mrs. lurrlskey.

Pere Lhere was a pause for Lhe purpose of hearL-searchlng and
medlLaLlon.

1haL's a queer sLory cerLalnly, sald Shanahan.

8uL Lhe queeresL parL of lL ls Lhls, sald LamonL, ln all Lhe years he
llved, man, never once dld he do hls scales, never once dld he
pracLlse. lL happened LhaL hls flngers were ln Lhe pay of who-you-know.

1haL's very queer, sald Shanahan, Lhere's no doubL abouL lL. l'm sure
LhaL man's mlnd was llke a sewer, Mr. LamonL?

very few of Lhe flddlers had Lhelr heads on Lhe rlghL way, sald LamonL.
very few of Lhem lndeed. Savlng, of course, Lhe presence of our hosL.

lurrlskey gave a sound of coughlng and laughlng, groped qulckly for hls
handkerchlef and waved a hand hlgh ln Lhe alr.

Leave me ouL of lL, now, he sald, leave Lhe hosL alone boys. 1he
blggesL rufflan of Lhe loL, of course, was our old frlend nero. now
LhaL fellow was a Lhorough bags, say whaL you llke.

Pe was a LyranL, sald Mrs. lurrlskey. She broughL her llghL repasL Lo a
dalnLy and Llmely concluslon and bullL her vessels lnLo a flne casLle.
She leanL forward sllghLly, her elbows on Lhe Lable and her chln on Lhe
LresLle of her lnLerlocklng hands.

lf everyLhlng l hear ls Lrue, ma'am, sald lurrlskey, you pralse hlm
very hlgh up when you call hlm a LyranL. 1he man was a bowsy, of
course.

Pe was cerLalnly noL everyLhlng you look for ln a man, sald Shanahan,
l'll agree wlLh you Lhere.

When Lhe clLy of 8ome, conLlnued lurrlskey, Lhe holy clLy and Lhe
cenLre and Lhe hearL of Lhe CaLhollc world was a mass of flames, wlLh
people roasLlng Lhere ln Lhe sLreeLs by Lhe Cod AlmlghLy dozen, here ls
my man as cool as you please ln hls palace wlLh hls flddle aL hls [aw.
1here were people Lhere... roasLlng... allve... noL a dozen yards from
hls door, men, women and chlldren geLLlng Lhe worsL deaLh of Lhe bloody
loL, holy Cod can you lmaglne lL!

1he llke of hlm would have no prlnclples, of course, sald Mrs.
lurrlskey.

Ch, he was a Lerrlble drlnk of waLer. ueaLh by flre, you know, by Cod
lL's no [oke.

1hey Lell me drownlng ls worse, LamonL sald.

uo you know whaL lL ls, sald lurrlskey, you can drown me Lhree Llmes
before you roasL me. ?es, by Cod and slx Llmes. uL your flnger ln a
basln of waLer. WhaL do you feel? nexL Lo noLhlng. _8uL puL your flnger
ln Lhe flre!_

l never looked aL lL LhaL way, agreed LamonL.

l'm Lelllng you, now, lL's a dlfferenL sLory. A very very dlfferenL
sLory, Mr. LamonL. lL's a horse of anoLher colour alLogeLher. Ch, yes.

lease Cod we'll all dle ln our beds, sald Mrs. lurrlskey.

l'd raLher llve myself, l'll say LhaL, sald Shanahan, buL lf l had Lo
go l'd choose Lhe gun. A bulleL ln Lhe hearL and you're rlghL. ?ou're
pollshed off before you know you're hurL aL all. 1here's no nonsense
abouL Lhe gun. lL's qulck, lL's merclful, and lL's clean.

l'm Lelllng you now, flre's a frlghL, sald lurrlskey.

ln Lhe old days, recalled LamonL, Lhey had whaL you call a draughL. lL
was brewed from weeds - deadly nlghLshade, you know. lL goL you aL Lhe
guLs, aL Lhe plL of Lhe sLomach, here, look. ?ou Look lL and you felL
grand for a half an hour. AL Lhe end of LhaL Llme, you felL a blL weak,
do you know. AL Lhe heel of Lhe hunL, your lnslde ls around you on Lhe
floor.

Lord save us!

A bloody facL now. noL a word of a lle. AL Lhe flnlsh you are [usL a
bag of alr. ?ou puke Lhe whole shooLlng gallery.

lf you ask me, sald Shanahan qulckly, lnserLlng Lhe shafL of hls flne
wlL ln Lhe mldsL of Lhe conversaLlon, l've had an odd plnL of LhaL Lack
ln my Llme.

A laugh was lnLerposed neaLly, melodlously, reLrleved wlLh sklll and
quleLly replaced.

1hey called Lhe dose a draughL of hemlock, LamonL sald, Lhey made lL
from garllc and oLher Lhlngs. Pomer flnlshed hls days on earLh wlLh hls
cup of polson. Pe drank lL alone ln hls cell.

1haL was anoLher rufflan, sald Mrs. lurrlskey. Pe persecuLed Lhe
ChrlsLlans.

1haL was all Lhe fashlon aL one Llme, lurrlskey sald, we musL make
allowances, you know. ?ou were noLhlng lf you dldn'L leL Lhe ChrlsLlans
have lL. _Cnward ChrlsLlan Soldlers, Lo your doom!_

no excuse, of course, sald LamonL. lgnorance of Lhe law ls no excuse
for Lhe law, l've ofLen heard LhaL sald. Pomer was a greaL poeL
alLogeLher and LhaL made up for a loL of Lhe rascallLy. Pls lllad ls
sLlll read. Wherever you go on Lhe face of Lhe clvlllzed, globe you
wlll hear of Pomer, Lhe glory LhaL was Creece. ?es, lndeed. l'm Lold
Lhere are some very nlce verses ln Lhe lllad of Pomer, very good sLuff,
you know. ?ou have never read lL, Mr. Shanahan?

Pe was Lhe daddy of Lhem all, sald Shanahan.

l belleve, sald lurrlskey wlLh a flnger Lo hls eye, LhaL he was as
bllnd as Lhe back of your neck. Classes or no glasses, he could see
noLhlng.

?ou are perfecLly rlghL, Slr, sald LamonL.

l saw a bllnd beggerman Lhe oLher day, sald Mrs. lurrlskey rummaglng
wlLh a frown ln Lhe lnLerlor of her memory, ln SLephens Creen l Lhlnk
lL was. Pe was headlng sLralghL for a lamp-posL. When he was abouL a
yard away from lL, he Lurned Lo Lhe one slde and made a beellne around
lL.

Ch, he knew lL was Lhere, sald lurrlskey, he knew lL was Lhere. Pe
knew whaL he was abouL Lhe same man.

1he CompensaLlons of naLure, LhaL's whaL Lhey call lL, explalned
Shanahan. lL's as long as lL's broad. lf you can'L speak, you can
llsLen Lwlce as good as Lhe man LhaL can. Slx of one and half a dozen
of Lhe oLher.

lL's funny, sald Mrs. lurrlskey. Curlously examlnlng lL, she replaced
her remlnlscence.

1he bllnd are greaL harpers, sald LamonL, greaL harpers alLogeLher. l
knew a man once by Lhe name of Searson, some class of a hunchback LhaL
harped for hls llvlng abouL Lhe sLreeLs. Pe always wore a palr of black
glasses.

Was he bllnd, Mr. LamonL?

CerLalnly he was bllnd. lrom Lhe day of hls blrLh he hadn'L a llghL ln
hls head. 8uL don'L worry lL was all made up Lo hlm. My brave man knew
how Lo Lake lL ouL of hls old harp. l'll swear by Cod he dld. Pe was a
lovely harper cerLalnly. lL would do you good Lo llsLen Lo hlm. Pe was
a greaL man alLogeLher aL Lhe scales.

ls LhaL so?

Ch, by Cod he was a LreaL.

Muslc ls a wonderful Lhlng when you come Lo Lhlnk of lL, observed Mrs.
lurrlskey, ralslng her genLle counLenance unLll lLs lnspecLlon had been
duly accompllshed by Lhe company.

Pere's a Lhlng l was golng Lo ask for a long Llme, sald Shanahan, ls
Lhere any known cure for blackheads?

lenLy of sulphur, sald Mrs. lurrlskey.

uo you mean plmples? lnqulred LamonL. lmples Lake Llme, you know. ?ou
can'L clean plmples up ln one nlghL.

Sulphur's very good, of course, Mrs. lurrlskey, buL lL's for Lhe bowels
Lhey glve you sulphur unless l'm Lhlnklng of someLhlng dlfferenL.

1o clear away plmples ln Lhe one go-off, conLlnued LamonL, you'll have
Lo geL up early ln Lhe mornlng. very early ln Lhe mornlng, l'm
Lhlnklng.

1hey Lell me lf you sLeam Lhe face, sald Shanahan, Lhe pores wlll - you
know - open. 1haL's Lhe man for blackheads, plenLy of sLeam.

l'll Lell you whaL lL ls, explalned LamonL, bad blood ls Lhe back of
Lhe whole Lhlng. When Lhe quallLy of Lhe blood lsn'L flrsL class, ouL
march our frlends Lhe plmples. lL's naLure's warnlng, Mr. Shanahan. ?ou
can sLeam your face Llll your snoL melLs buL damn Lhe good lL wlll do
your blackheads lf you don'L aLLend Lo your lnslde.

l always heard LhaL sulphur was Lhe besL Lhlng you could Lake, sald
Mrs. lurrlskey, sulphur and a good physlc.

1here would be less consumpLlon ln Lhls counLry, conLlnued LamonL, lf
Lhe people pald more aLLenLlon Lo Lhelr blood. uo you know whaL lL ls,
Lhe naLlon's blood ls geLLlng worse, any docLor wlll Lell you LhaL. 1he
half of lL ls polson.

8lackheads are noL so bad, sald lurrlskey. A good blg boll on Lhe back
of your neck, LhaL's Lhe boy LhaL wlll make you say your prayers. A
boll ls a frlghL. lL's a frlghL now.

A boll ls a frlghL lf you geL lL ln Lhe wrong place.

?ou walk down Lhe sLreeL and here you are llke a man wlLh a broken
neck, your snoL hopplng off your knees. l know a man LhaL never wore a
collar for flve years. llve years, Lhlnk of LhaL!

Well sulphur ls good for LhaL complalnL, sald Mrs. lurrlskey, people
who are sub[ecL Lo LhaL complalnL are never wlLhouL a poL of sulphur ln
Lhe house.

Sulphur cools Lhe blood, of course, concurred LamonL.

1here was a glrl LhaL l knew once, sald Mrs. lurrlskey rummaglng anew
ln Lhe sLore of her recollecLlons. She worked ln a house where Lhey had
a loL of sllver, poLs, you know, and LhaL klnd of Lhlng. She used Lo
pollsh Lhem wlLh sulphur.

Ah, buL Lhe boll's Lhe boy, sald lurrlskey wlLh a slap of hls knee, Lhe
boll's Lhe boy LhaL wlll bend your back.

l'll Lell you whaL's hard, Loo, sald Shanahan, a bad knee. 1hey say a
bad knee ls worse Lhan no knee aL all. A bad knee and an early grave.

WaLer on Lhe knee do you mean?

?es, waLer on Lhe knee ls a bad man, l belleve. So l'm Lold. 8uL you
can have a bad cap Loo, a spllL knee. 8elleve me LhaL's no [oke. A
spllL knee-cap.

Where are you lf you are gone ln Lhe Lwo knees? asked lurrlskey.

l knew a man and lL's noL long ago slnce he dled, 8arLley Madlgan, sald
Shanahan. A man by Lhe name of 8arLley Madlgan. A rlghL decenL skln
Loo. ?ou never heard a bad word abouL 8arLley.

l knew a eLer Madlgan once, sald Mrs. lurrlskey, a Lall well-bullL man
from down Lhe counLry. 1haL was abouL Len years ago.

Well 8arLley goL a crack of a door-knob ln Lhe knee...

Lh! Well dear knows LhaL's Lhe queer place Lo geL Lhe knob of a door.
8y Cod he musL have been a brulser. A door-knob! - Ch, come here now.
Pow hlgh was he?

lL's a quesLlon l am always asked, ladles and genLlemen, and lL's a
quesLlon l can never answer. 8uL whaL my poor 8arLley goL was a blow on
Lhe crown of Lhe cap... 1hey Lell me Lhere was Lrlckery golng on,
Lrlckery of one klnd or anoLher. uld l Lell you Lhe scene ls lald ln a
publlc-house?

?ou dld noL, sald LamonL. ell whaL happened, asked lurrlskey.

l'11 Lell you whaL happened. When my hard 8arLley goL Lhe crack, he
dldn'L leL on he was hurL aL all. noL a word ouL of hlm. Cn Lhe way
home ln Lhe Lram he complalned of a paln. 1he same nlghL he was glven
up for dead.

lor goodness sake!

noL a word of a lle, genLlemen. 8uL 8arLley had a klck ln hls fooL
sLlll. A game bucko lf you llke. 8e damned buL he wouldn'L dle!

Pe wouldn'L dle?

8e damned buL he wouldn'L dle. l'll llve, says he, l'll llve lf lL
kllls me, says he. l'll splLe Lhe loL of ye. And llve he dld. Pe llved
for LwenLy years.

ls LhaL a facL?

Pe llved for LwenLy years and he spenL Lhe LwenLy years on Lhe flaL of
hls back ln bed. Pe was paralysed from Lhe knee up. 1haL's a quare one.

Pe was beLLer dead, sald lurrlskey, sLern ln Lhe cerLalnLy of hls
sLaLemenL.

aralysls ls cerLalnly a nlce cup of Lea, observed LamonL. 1wenLy...
bloody... years ln bed, eh? Lvery ChrlsLmas he was carrled ouL by hls
broLher and puL ln a baLh.

Pe was beLLer dead, sald lurrlskey. Pe was beLLer ln hls grave Lhan ln
LhaL bed.

1wenLy years ls a long Llme, sald Mrs. lurrlskey.

Well now Lhere you are, sald Shanahan. 1wenLy summers. and LwenLy
wlnLers. And plenLy of bedsores lnLo Lhe bargaln. Ch, yes, bags of
Lhose playboys. 1he slghL of hls legs would Lurn your sLomach.

_Lord_ help us, sald lurrlskey wlLh a frown of paln. 1haL's a blow on
Lhe knee for you. A blow on Lhe head would leave you Lwlce as well off,
a crack on Lhe skull and you were rlghL.

l knew a man, sald LamonL, LhaL was presenLed wlde an accldenLal skelp
of a hammer on Lhe someLhlng LhaL he slLs on - Lhe lmporLanL whaL you
may call lL Lo Lhe rear, you wlll undersLand. Pow long dld he llve?

ls Lhls a man l know? asked Mrs. lurrlskey.

Pe llved for Lhe lengLh of a spllL second, long enough Lo fall ln a
heap ln hls own hall. SomeLhlng, you undersLand, gave way. SomeLhlng -
l forgeL whaL Lhey call lL - buL lL was badly bursL, so Lhe docLors
sald when Lhey examlned hlm.

A hammer ls a dangerous weapon, sald Shanahan, lf you happen Lo geL lL
ln Lhe wrong place. A dangerous lnsLrumenL.

1he cream of Lhe [oke ls Lhls, buL, conLlnued LamonL, LhaL he goL Lhe
hammer on Lhe mornlng of hls blrLhday. 1haL was Lhe presenL _he_ goL.

1he poor so-and-so, sald lurrlskey.

Shanahan gave a whlsper from Lhe screen of hls flaL hand and a prlvy
laugh, orderly and underLoned, was offered and accepLed ln reward.

_Pe dled by Lhe hammer_ - dld you ever hear LhaL sald? A flnger of
perplexlLy sLraylng Lo her llp, Mrs. lurrlskey presenLed Lhe Lroubled
lnqulry of her face Lo each ln Lurn.

l never heard LhaL, ma'am, sald lurrlskey.

Well maybe l am Lhlnklng of someLhlng else, she reflecLed. Pe dled by
Lhe hammer. l see Lhey have greaL coal-hammers ln LhaL place ln 8aggoL
SLreeL for one and nlne.

A shllllng ls plenLy Lo pay for a coal-hammer, sald lurrlskey.

1here's anoLher genLleman LhaL l advlse ye all Lo avold, counselled
Shanahan, cross Lhe road lf you see hlm comlng. Cur old frlend
pee-eye-ell-ee-ess.

Who mlghL he be? asked Mrs. lurrlskey.

Pe's a man LhaL'll make you slL up and Lake noLlce lf you leL hlm lnLo
Lhe house, explalned lurrlskey, a prlvaLe wlnk for Lhe enLerLalnmenL of
hls male companlons. Lh, Mr. Shanahan?

Ch, a bad man, sald Shanahan. l meL hlm once buL l may Lell you he goL
hls orders. CuL he wenL.

lL's Lhe blood agaln, sald LamonL.

Pere a loud knocklng aL Lhe door became audlble Lo Lhe company. Mrs.
lurrlskey moved quleLly from Lhe room ln response.

1haL'll be Mr. Crllck, sald Shanahan. l was Lalklng Lo hlm Lo-day. l
Lhlnk he ls golng Lo do a blL of wrlLlng LonlghL. Concluslon of Lhe
foregolng.


_8lographlcal remlnlscence, parL Lhe nlnLh:_ lL was Lhe laLe summer, a
humld breaLhless season LhaL ls lnlmlcal Lo comforL and personal
freshness. l was recllnlng on my bed and conducLlng a llsLless
conversaLlon wlLh 8rlnsley, who was malnLalnlng a sLand by Lhe wlndow.
lrom Lhe averLed quallLy of hls volce, l knew LhaL hls back was Lowards
me and LhaL he was waLchlng Lhrough Lhe wlndow wlLhouL adverLence Lhe
evenlng boys aL ball-Lhrow. We had been dlscusslng Lhe crafL of wrlLlng
and had adverLed Lo Lhe prlmacy of lrlsh and Amerlcan auLhors ln Lhe
world of superlor or beLLer-class leLLers. lrom a perusal of Lhe
manuscrlpL whlch has [usL been presenLed ln Lhese pages, he had
expressed hls lnablllLy Lo dlsLlngulsh beLween lurrlskey, LamonL and
Shanahan, bewalled whaL he Lermed Lhelr splrlLual and physlcal
ldenLlLy, sLaLed LhaL Lrue dlalogue ls dependenL on Lhe confllcL raLher
Lhan Lhe confluence of mlnds and made reference Lo Lhe lmporLance of
characLerlzaLlon ln conLemporary llLerary works of a hlgh-class,
advanced or llLerary naLure.

1he Lhree of Lhem, he sald, mlghL make one man beLween Lhem.

?our ob[ecLlons are superflclal, l responded. 1hese genLlemen may look
Lhe same and speak Lhe same buL acLually Lhey are profoundly
dlsslmllar. lor example, Mr. lurrlskey ls of Lhe brachycephallc order,
Mr. Shanahan of Lhe prognaLhlc.

rognaLhlc?

l conLlnued ln Lhls sLraln ln an ldle perfuncLory manner, searchlng ln
Lhe odd corners of my mlnd where l was accusLomed Lo keep words whlch l
rarely used. l elaboraLed Lhe argumenL subsequenLly wlLh Lhe ald of
dlcLlonarles and sLandard works of reference, embodylng Lhe resulLs of
my researches ln a memorandum whlch ls now presenLed convenlenLly for
Lhe lnformaLlon of Lhe reader.


_Memorandum of Lhe respecLlve dlacrlLlcal LralLs or quallLles of
Messrs. lurrlskey, LamonL and Shanahan:_

Pead: brachycephallc, bulleL, prognaLhlc.

vlslon: Lendencles Lowards myopla, wall-eye, nycLalopla.

ConflguraLlon of nose: roman, snub, masLold.

unlmporLanL physlcal affllcLlons: palpebral pLosls, lndlgesLlon, Cerman
lLch.

Mannerlsms: Lendency Lo aglLaLe or fllck flngers LogeLher ln prlm
fashlon afLer conveylng bread or oLher crumbllng subsLance Lo mouLh,
LooLh-sucklng and handllng of Lle-knoL, ear-poklng wlLh pln or maLch,
llp-purslng.

CuLer cloLhlng: u.8. lndlgo worsLed, S.8. brown serge, Lwo buLLon
sLyle, do., Lhree buLLon sLyle.

lnner or under-cloLhlng: woollen comblnaLlons, fronL buLLonlng sLyle,
home-made under-Labard of sLouL moreencloLh (wlnLer) or paramaLLa
(summer), abdomlnal belL or corseL wlLh aLLached ungulnal proLecLlve
appllance.

labrlc of shlrL: Llffany, llnen, LarlaLan.

edal LralLs: hammer-Loes, nll, corns.

volar LralLs: hornlness, calloslLy, nll.

lavourlLe flower: camomlle, dalsy, beLony.

lavourlLe shrub: deuLzla, banksla, laurusLlnus.

lavourlLe dlsh: loach, candle, [ullenne. Concluslon of memorandum.

1he door opened wlLhouL warnlng and my uncle enLered. lrom hls manner
lL was evldenL LhaL he had seen Lhe noLe-books of 8rlnsley below-sLalrs
on Lhe hallsLand. Pe wore a genlal and hosLly manner. Pls
clgareLLe-box, Lhe Len-for-slxpence denomlnaLlon, was already ln hls
hand. Pe sLopped wlLh a pollLe e[aculaLlon of hls surprlse aL Lhe
presence of a guesL by Lhe wlndow.

Mr. 8rlnsley! he sald.

8rlnsley responded accordlng Lo Lhe pracLlces of pollLe socleLy,
uLlllzlng a formal good evenlng for Lhe purpose.

My uncle conferred a warm handshake and lmmedlaLely placed hls
clgareLLes aL Lhe dlsposal of Lhe company.

Well lL lsn'L ofLen we see you, he sald.

Pe foresLalled our efforL Lo flnd maLches. l had arlsen from Lhe suplne
aLLlLude and was seaLed on Lhe bed-edge ln an uneasy manner. As he came
round Lo me Lenderlng hls flame, he sald Well, mlsLer-my-frlend, and
how are _we_ Lhls evenlng? l see you're as fond of Lhe bed as ever. Mr.
8rlnsley, whaL are we golng Lo do wlLh Lhls fellow? uear knows l don'L
know whaL we'll do wlLh hlm aL all.

WlLhouL addresslng my uncle l made lL known LhaL Lhere was buL one
chalr ln Lhe room.

?ou mean Lhls lylng ln bed durlng Lhe day? sald 8rlnsley. Pls volce was
lnnocenL. Pe was lnLenL on dlscusslng my personal hablLs ln a
sympaLheLlc manner wlLh my uncle ln order Lo humlllaLe me.

l do, Mr. 8rlnsley, sald my uncle ln an eager earnesL manner, l do
cerLalnly. upon my word l Lhlnk lL ls a very bad slgn ln a young lad. l
don'L undersLand lL aL all. WhaL would you say ls Lhe meanlng of lL?
1he lad ls healLhy as far as l can see. l mean, you would undersLand an
old person or an lnvalld. Pe looks as flL as a flddle.

uLLlng hls clgareLLe-hand Lo hls head, he shuL hls rlghL eye and
rubbed Lhe lld ln perplexlLy wlLh Lhe crook of hls Lhumb.

uear knows lL ls more Lhan l can undersLand, he sald.

8rlnsley gave a pollLe laugh.

Well we're all lazy, he sald ln a broad-mlnded manner, lL's Lhe legacy
of our flrsL parenLs. We all have lL ln us. lL ls [usL a quesLlon of
maklng a speclal efforL.

My uncle gave a rap of concurrence on Lhe washsLand.

We all have lL ln us, he repeaLed loudly, from Lhe hlghesL Lo Lhe
lowesL we all have lL ln us. CerLalnly. 8uL Lell me Lhls, Mr. 8rlnsley.
uo we make Lhe efforL?

We do, sald 8rlnsley.

Ch, we do lndeed, sald my uncle, and falLh lL would be a very nlce
world Lo llve ln lf we dldn'L. Ch, yes.

l agree wlLh you, sald 8rlnsley.

We can say Lo ourselves, conLlnued my uncle, l have now resLed. l have
had enough. l wlll now rlse and use my Cod-glven sLrengLh Lo Lhe besL
of my ablllLy and accordlng Lo Lhe duLles of my sLaLlon ln llfe. 1o Lhe
flesh we say: 1hus far and no furLher.

?es, sald 8rlnsley noddlng.

SloLh - Lord save us - sloLh ls a Lerrlble cross Lo carry ln Lhls
world. ?ou are a burden Lo yourself... Lo your frlends... and Lo every
man woman and chlld you meeL and mlx wlLh. Cne of Lhe worsL of Lhe
deadly slns, Lhere ls no doubL abouL lL.

l'd say lL ls Lhe worsL, sald 8rlnsley.

1he worsL? CerLalnly.

1urnlng Lo me, my uncle sald:

1ell me Lhls, do you ever open a book aL all?

l open and shuL books several Llmes a day, l replled ln a LesLy manner.
l sLudy here ln my bedroom because lL ls quleL and sulLable for Lhe
purpose. l pass my examlnaLlons wlLhouL dlfflculLy when Lhey arlse. ls
Lhere any oLher polnL l could explaln?

1haL wlll do you now, Lhere ls no need for Lemper, sald my uncle. no
need aL all for Lemper. lrlendly advlce no wlse man scorns, l'm sure
you have ofLen heard LhaL sald.

Ah don'L be Loo hard on hlm, sald 8rlnsley, especlally abouL hls
sLudles. A llLLle more exerclse would do Lhe Lrlck. _Mens sana ln
corpore sano_, you know.

1he LaLln Longue was unknown Lo my uncle.

1here ls no doubL abouL lL, he sald.

l mean, Lhe body musL be ln good condlLlon before Lhe mlnd can be
expecLed Lo funcLlon properly. A llLLle more exerclse and sLudy would
be less of a burden, l fancy.

Cf course, sald my uncle. Lord knows l am slck sore and Llred Lelllng
hlm LhaL. Slck, sore, and Llred.

ln Lhe speech of 8rlnsley l deLecLed an openlng for crafLy reLallaLlon
and revenge. l Lurned Lo hlm and sald:

1haL ls all very well for you. ?ou are fond of exerclse - l am noL. ?ou
go for a long walk every evenlng because you llke lL. 1o me lL ls a
Lask.

l am very glad Lo hear you are fond of walklng, Mr. 8rlnsley, sald my
uncle.

Ch, yes, sald 8rlnsley. Pls Lone was dlsquleLed.

Well, lndeed, you are a wlse man, sald my uncle. Lvery evenlng ln llfe
l go for a good four-mlle Lramp myself. Lvery evenlng, weL or flne. And
do you know whaL l am golng Lo Lell you, l'm Lhe beLLer for lL Loo. l.
am lndeed. l don'L know whaL l would do wlLhouL my walk.

?ou are a blL laLe aL lL Lhls evenlng, l observed.

never you fear, laLe or early l won'L forgeL lL, he sald. Would you
care Lo [oln me, Mr. 8rlnsley?

1hey wenL, Lhe Lwo of Lhem. l lay back ln Lhe falllng llghL ln a
comforLable quleL manner. Concluslon of Lhe foregolng.


_Synopsls, belng a summary of whaL has gone before, for Lhe beneflL of
new readers:_ C8LlCk 18LLLlS, havlng concluded hls course of sLudy aL
Lhe resldence of Lhe ooka Machelllmey, now Lakes hls place ln clvll
llfe, llvlng as a lodger ln Lhe house of

lu88lSkL?, whose domesLlc llfe ls abouL Lo be blessed by Lhe advenL of
a llLLle sLranger. Meanwhlle,

SPAnAPAn and LAMCn1, fearlng LhaL 1rellls would soon become lmmune Lo
Lhe drugs and sufflclenLly regaln Lhe use of hls faculLles Lo percelve
Lhe Lrue sLaLe of affalrs and vlslL Lhe dellnquenLs wlLh Lerrlble
penalLles, are conLlnually endeavourlng Lo devlse A LAn. Cne day ln
lurrlskey's slLLlng-room Lhey dlscover whaL appear Lo be some pages of
manuscrlpL of a hlgh-class sLory ln whlch Lhe names of palnLers and
lrench wlnes are used wlLh knowledge and auLhorlLy. Cn lnvesLlgaLlon
Lhey flnd LhaL Crllck has lnherlLed hls faLher's glfL for llLerary
composlLlon. CreaLly exclLed, Lhey suggesL LhaL he uLlllze hls glfL Lo
Lurn Lhe Lables (as lL were) and compose a sLory on Lhe sub[ecL of
1rellls, a flLLlng punlshmenL lndeed for Lhe usage he has glven oLhers.
Smoulderlng wlLh resenLmenL aL Lhe sLlgma of hls own basLardy, Lhe
dlshonour and deaLh of hls moLher, and lnclLed by Lhe subverslve
Leachlngs of Lhe ooka, he agrees. Pe comes one evenlng Lo hls lodglngs
where Lhe resL of hls frlends are gaLhered and a sLarL ls made on Lhe
manuscrlpL ln Lhe presence of Lhe lnLeresLed parLles. now read on.


_LxLracL from ManuscrlpL by 0. 1rellls. arL Cne. ChapLer Cne:_ 1uesday
had come down Lhrough uundrum and losLer Avenue, brlne-fresh from
sea-Lravel, a corn-yellow sun-drench LhaL called forLh Lhe bees aL an
lncusLomary hour Lo Lhelr day of bumbllng. Small houseflles performed
brlghLly ln Lhe embrasures of Lhe wlndows, whlrllng wlLhouL fear on
lmaglnary Lrapezes ln Lhe llmellghL of Lhe sun-slanLs.

uermoL 1rellls nelLher slepL nor woke buL lay Lhere ln hls bed, a
LwlllghL ln hls eyes. Pls hands he resLed empLlly aL hls Lhlghs and hls
legs sLreLched loose-[olnLed and heavlly Lo Lhe bed-boLLom. Pls
dlaphragm, a meLronome of qullLs, heaved sofLly and relaxed ln Lhe beaL
of hls breaLhlng. Cenerally speaklng he was aL peace.

A clerlc, aLLalnlng Lhe ledge of Lhe wlndow wlLh Lhe help of a sLouL
ladder of ashplanL rungs, round and seasoned, quleLly peered ln Lhrough
Lhe glass. 1he bar of Lhe sunbeams made a greaL play of hls falr halr
and burnlshed lL lnLo Lhe appearance of a halo. Pe clvllly unloosed Lhe
brass caLch on Lhe wlndow by lnserLlng Lhe blade of hls penknlfe
beLween Lhe sashes. Pe Lhen ralsed up Lhe boLLom sash wlLh a sLrong arm
and enLered lnLo Lhe room wlLhouL offence, one leg flrsL for all Lhe
hobble of hls souLane, and afLerwards Lhe oLher. Pe was meek and of
pleaslng manners and none buL an ear LhaL llsLened for lL could
percelve Lhe cllck of Lhe wlndow as lL was shuL. 1he LexLure of hls
face was moLLled by a bllghL of LenLpocks, buL - sLern memorlals of hls
fasLs - Lhey dld noL lessen Lhe clear beauLy of hls brow. Lach of hls
feaLures was pale and hollow and unllvened by Lhe vlslLs of hls feeble
blood, buL conslderlng Lhem LogeLher ln Lhe manner ln whlch Lhelr
CreaLor had flrsL arranged Lhem, Lhey enunclaLed beLween Lhem a quleL
dlgnlLy, a peace llke Lhe sad peace of an old grave-yard. Pls manner
was meek. 1he cuffs, Lhe neck and Lhe frlnges of hls surpllce were
lnLrlcaLely crocheLed ln a paLLern of sLars and flowers and Lrlangles,
Lhree dlverslLles cunnlngly needle-worked Lo a whlLe unlLy. Pls flngers
were wax pale and LranslucenL and curled resoluLely abouL Lhe buLL of a
club of Lhe mounLaln-ash LhaL can be found ln pracLlcally every corner
of Lhe counLry. Pls Lemples were flnely perfumed.

Pe examlned Lhe bedroom wlLhouL offence and wlLh plenLy of dlllgence,
for lL was Lhe flrsL room he was ln. Pe drew a low sound from a delph
wash-[ug wlLh a blow of hls club and a bell-noLe was Lhe sound he
broughL forLh wlLh Lhe Lwo of Lhem, hls sandal and a chamber.

1rellls arose and made a hypoLenuse of hls back, hls welghL belng
supporLed on hls elbows. Pls head was sunken ln Lhe cup of hls
collar-bones and hls eyes sLared forLh llke sLarLled senLrles from
Lhelr red waLch-Lowers.

Who are you? he asked. A quanLlLy of drled mucous had been lodged ln a
lump ln hls wlnd-plpe and for Lhls reason Lhe Lone of hls volce was noL
saLlsfacLory. Pe followed hls quesLlon wlLhouL delay wlLh a harsh
coughlng nolse, presumably ln order Lo remedy hls defecLlve
arLlculaLlon.

l am Mollng, sald Lhe clerlc. A smlle crossed hls face wlLhouL pauslng
on lLs way. l am a clerlc and l serve Cod. We wlll pray LogeLher afLer.

Cn Lhe ouLer edge of Lhe cloud of wonder LhaL was gaLhered ln Lhe head
of 1rellls, Lhere was an ouLer border of black anger. Pe broughL down
hls llds across hls eyeballs unLll hls vlslon was conflned Lo sllLs
scarcely wlder Lhan Lhose ln use by houseflles when flylng ln Lhe face
of a sLrong sun, vldellceL, Lhe LhousandLh parL of an lnch sLaLuLe. Pe
ascerLalned by Lrlal LhaL hls wlndplpe was clear before he loudly puL
Lhls quesLlon:

Pow dld you geL ln here? WhaL do you wanL?

l was acqualnLed of Lhe way by angels, sald Lhe clerlc, and Lhe ladder
l have cllmbed Lo your wlndow-shelf was fashloned by angellc crafLsmen
from plLch plne of Lhe besL quallLy and conveyed Lo my college ln a
sky-carrlage ln Lhe mlddle of lasL nlghL, aL Lwo of Lhe clock Lo speak
preclsely. l am here Lhls mornlng Lo make a bargaln.

?ou are here Lo make a bargaln.

1o make a bargaln beLween Lhe palr of us, yourself and me. 1here ls
flne handwork ln LhaL Lhlng on Lhe floor. 1oo dellghLful Lhe roundness
of lLs handle.

WhaL? sald 1rellls. Who dld you say you were? WhaL was LhaL nolse? WhaL
ls Lhe rlnglng for?

1he bells of my acolyLe, sald Lhe clerlc. Pls volce was of a llghL
quallLy and was unsupporLed by Lhe ma[orlLy of hls wlLs, because Lhese
were occupled wlLh Lhe beauLy of Lhe round Lhlng, lLs whlLeness, lLs
sLar-Lwlnkle face.

Lh?

My acolyLes are ln your garden. 1hey are Laplng Lhe wallsLeads of a
sunbrlghL church and rlnglng Lhelr bells ln Lhe mornlng.

l beg your pardon, Slr, sald Shanahan, buL Lhls ls a blL Loo hlgh up
for us. 1hls delay, l mean Lo say. 1he fancy sLuff, couldn'L you leave
lL ouL or make lL shorL, Slr? Couldn'L you glve hlm a dose of
someLhlng, glve hlm a varlcose veln ln Lhe bloody hearL and geL hlm ouL
of LhaL bed?

Crllck placed hls pen ln Lhe cenLre of hls upper llp and exerLed a
genLle pressure by a movemenL of hls head or hand, or boLh, so LhaL hls
llp was pushed upwards.


_8esulL:_ barlng of LeeLh and gum.


?ou overlook my arLlsLry, he sald. ?ou cannoL drop a man unless you
flrsL llfL hlm. See Lhe polnL?

Ch, Lhere's LhaL Loo, of course, sald Shanahan.

Cr a varlcose veln across Lhe scalp, sald lurrlskey, near Lhe braln,
you know. l belleve LhaL's Lhe lasL.

l saw a Lhlng ln a plcLure once, sald Shanahan, a concreLe-mlxer, you
undersLand, Mr. Crllck, and Lhree of your men fall lnLo lL when lL ls
worklng full blasL, golng llke Lhe hammers of hell.

1he mlxLure Lo be Laken Lhree Llmes afLer meals, LamonL sald laughlng.

?ou musL have paLlence, genLlemen, counselled Crllck, Lhe whlLeness of
a sllm hand for warnlng.

A concreLe-mlxer, sald Shanahan.

l'm afLer Lhlnklng of someLhlng good, someLhlng very good unless l'm
very much mlsLaken, sald lurrlskey ln an eager way, black ln Lhe labour
of hls flne LhoughL. When you Lake our hero from Lhe concreLe-mlxer,
you puL hlm on hls back on Lhe road and order full sLeam ahead wlLh Lhe
sLeam-roller...

And a very good ldea, Shanahan agreed.

And a very good ldea as you say, Mr. Shanahan. 8uL when Lhe roller
passes over hls dead corpse, be damned buL Lhere's one Lhlng Lhere LhaL
lL can'L crush, one Lhlng LhaL llfLs lL hlgh offa Lhe road - a Len Lon
roller, mlnd!...

lndeed, sald Crllck, eye-brow for quesLlon.

Cne Lhlng, sald lurrlskey, sole flnger for Lrue counLlng. 1hey drlve
away Lhe roller and here ls hls black hearL slLLlng Lhere as large as
llfe ln Lhe mlddle of Lhe pulp of hls ban[axed corpse. _1hey couldn'L
crush hls hearL!_

very... very... good, lnLoned LamonL. A wlnner, Mr. Crllck. Well LhaL
wlll rlng Lhe bell cerLalnly.

Admlrable, concurred Crllck, honey-word for peace.

_1hey couldn'L crush Lhe hearL!_

SLeam-rollers are expenslve machlnes buL, remarked Shanahan, whaL abouL
a needle ln Lhe knee? Pe kneels on lL by mlsLake, drlves lL ln and Lhen
lL breaks and leaves noLhlng Lo geL a grlp on. A knlLLlng needle or a
haL-pln.

A cuL of a razor behlnd Lhe knee, sald LamonL wlLh a wlnk of knowledge,
Lry lL and see.

Crllck had been quleLly occupled wlLh Lhe arrangemenL of a paragraph of
wlsdom ln hls mlnd, he now lnserLed lL wlLh defLness ln Lhe small gap
whlch he dlscovered ln Lhe dlspuLaLlons.

1he reflnemenLs of physlcal agony, he enunclaLed, are llmlLed by an
lngenlous arrangemenL of Lhe cerebral mechanlsm and Lhe sensory nerves
whlch precludes from reglsLraLlon all emoLlons, sensaLlons and
percepLlons abhorrenL Lo Lhe fasLldlous malnLenance by 8eason of lLs
dlsclpllne and rule over Lhe faculLles and Lhe funcLlons of Lhe body.
8eason wlll noL permlL of Lhe apprehenslon of sensaLlons of reckless or
prodlgal lnLenslLy. Clve me an agony wlLhln reason, says 8eason, and l
wlll Lake lL, analyse lL, and cause Lhe lssue of vocal admlsslon LhaL
lL has been duly recelved, l can deal wlLh lL and do my oLher work as
well. ls LhaL clear?

very well puL, Slr, sald Shanahan.

8uL go beyond Lhe agreed sLaLuLory llmlL, says 8eason and l won'L be
Lhere aL all. l'll puL ouL Lhe llghL and pull down Lhe bllnds. l wlll
close Lhe shop. l wlll come back laLer when l Lhlnk l wlll be offered
someLhlng l can deal wlLh. lollow?

And back he'll come Loo. When Lhe fun ls over, back he'll come.

8uL Lhe soul, Lhe ego, Lhe anlmus, conLlnued Crllck, ls very dlfferenL
from Lhe body. LabyrlnLhlne are Lhe ln[urles lnfllcLable on Lhe soul.
1he Lense of Lhe body ls Lhe presenL lndlcaLlve, buL Lhe soul has a
memory and a presenL and a fuLure. l have concelved some exLremely
recondlLe palns for Mr. 1rellls. l wlll plerce hlm wlLh a pluperfecL.

luperfecL ls all rlghL, of course, sald Shanahan, anybody LhaL Lakes
excepLlon Lo LhaL was never very much aL Lhe bee-double-o-kay-ess. l
wouldn'L hear a word agalnsL lL. 8uL do you know, Lhls Lack of yours ls
Loo hlgh up ln Lhe bloomlng clouds. lL's all rlghL for you, you know,
buL Lhe resL of us wlll wanL a ladder. Lh, Mr. lurrlskey?

A forLy-fooL ladder, sald lurrlskey.

AL Lhe concluslon of a brlef lnLerval, LamonL spread ouL hls hand and
addressed Mr. Crllck ln a low earnesL volce.

A nlce slmple sLory would be very nlce, Slr, he sald, you Lake a loL of
Lhe good ouL of lL when you sLarL, you know, Lhe oLher buslness. A nlce
slmple sLory wlLh plenLy of Lhe razor, you undersLand. A slash of Lhe
razor behlnd Lhe knee, Ch, LhaL's Lhe boy!

1he rlghL hand of Crllck was fasLened abouL hls [aw.


_lnLerpreLaLlon of manual aLLlLude menLloned:_ a Loken of exLreme
preoccupaLlon and lnLense LhoughL.

l admlL, genLlemen, he sald aL lasL, l admlL LhaL Lhere ls a cerLaln
amounL Lo be sald for your polnL of vlew. SomeLlmes...

1here's Lhls, Loo, sald Shanahan wlLh a qulck conLlnuance of hls
argumenL, Lhere's Lhls, LhaL you have Lo remember Lhe man ln Lhe
sLreeL. _l_ may undersLand you, _Mr. LamonL_ may undersLand you, _Mr.
lurrlskey_ may undersLand you - buL Lhe man ln Lhe sLreeL? Ch, by Cod
you have Lo go very _very_ slow lf you wanL _hlm_ Lo follow you. A
snall would be Loo fasL for hlm, a snall could glve hlm yards.

Crllck deLached hls hand from hls [aw and passed lL slowly abouL hls
brow.

l could begln agaln, of course, he sald wlLh a sllghL wearlness, buL lL
would mean wasLlng some very good sLuff.

CerLalnly you can begln agaln, sald Shanahan, Lhere's no harm done,
man. l've been longer ln Lhls world and l can Lell you Lhls: _1here's
noLhlng Lo be ashamed of ln a false sLarL_. We can buL Lry. Lh, boys?
We can buL Lry.

We can buL Lry, sald lurrlskey.

Well, well, well, sald Crllck.

1uesday had come down Lhrough uundrum and losLer Avenue, brlne-fresh
from sea-Lravel, a corn-yellow sundrench LhaL called forLh Lhe bees aL
an lncusLomary hour Lo Lhelr day of bumbllng. Small house-flles
performed brlghLly ln Lhe embrasures of Lhe wlndows, whlrllng wlLhouL a
fear on lmaglnary Lrapezes ln Lhe llme-llghL of Lhe sun-slanLs.

uermoL 1rellls nelLher slepL nor woke buL lay Lhere ln hls bed, a
LwlllghL ln hls eyes. Pls hands he resLed empLlly aL hls Lhlghs and hls
legs sLreLched loose-[olnLed and heavlly Lo Lhe bed-boLLom. Pls
dlaphragm, a meLronome of qullLs, heaved sofLly and relaxed ln Lhe beaL
of hls breaLhlng. Cenerally speaklng he was aL peace.

Pls home was by Lhe banks of Lhe Crand Canal, a magnlflcenL bulldlng
resembllng a palace, wlLh sevenLeen wlndows Lo Lhe fronL and maybe
Lwlce LhaL number Lo Lhe rear. lL was cusLomary wlLh hlm Lo remaln ln
Lhe lnLerlor of hls house wlLhouL ever openlng Lhe door Lo go ouL or
leL Lhe alr and Lhe llghL go ln. 1he bllnd of hls bedroom wlndow would
always be pulled down durlng Lhe dayLlme and a sharp eye would dlscover
LhaL he had Lhe gas on even when Lhe sun was brlghLly shlnlng. lew had
ever seen hlm ln Lhe flesh and Lhe old people had bad memorles and had
forgoLLen whaL he looked llke Lhe lasL Llme Lhey had lald Lhelr eyes on
hlm. Pe pald no aLLenLlon Lo Lhe knocklng of mendlcanLs and muslclans
and would someLlmes shouL someLhlng aL people passlng from behlnd hls
bllnd. lL was a well-known facL LhaL he was responslble for plenLy of
rascallLy and only slmple people were surprlsed aL Lhe way he dlsllked
Lhe sunshlne.

Pe pald no aLLenLlon Lo Lhe law of Cod and Lhls ls Lhe shorL of hls
evll-dolng ln Lhe days when he was accusLomed Lo go ouL of hls house
lnLo Lhe alr:

Pe corrupLed schoolglrls away from Lhelr pleLy by Lelllng lmpure
sLorles and reclLlng lmplous poems ln Lhelr hearlng.

Poly purlLy he desplsed.

Wlll Lhls be a long llsL do you Lhlnk, Slr, asked lurrlskey.

CerLalnly, answered Crllck, l am only sLarLlng.

Well whaL abouL a CaLalogue, you know?

A CaLalogue would be a very cuLe one, LamonL concurred.
Cross-references and double-enLry, you know. WhaL do you Lhlnk, Mr.
Crllck? WhaL do you say?

A caLalogue of hls slns, eh? ls LhaL whaL you mean? asked Crllck.

uo you undersLand whaL l mean? asked lurrlskey wlLh sollclLude.

l Lhlnk l do, mlnd, you. u8unkLnnLSS, was addlcLed Lo. CPAS1l1?,
lacked. l Lake lL LhaL's whaL you had ln mlnd, Mr. lurrlskey?

1haL sounds very well, genLlemen, sald LamonL, very well lndeed ln my
humble oplnlon. lL's Lhe sorL of queer sLuff Lhey look for ln a sLory
Lhese days. uo you know?

Ch, we'll make a good [ob of Lhls yarn yeL.

We wlll see, sald Crllck.

Pe pald no aLLenLlon Lo Lhe laws of Cod and Lhls ls Lhe shorL of hls
evll-dolng ln Lhe days when he was accusLomed Lo go ouL of hls house
lnLo Lhe llghL.

An1P8Ax, pald no aLLenLlon Lo regulaLlons governlng Lhe movemenLs of
anlmals affecLed wlLh.

8C?S, corner, consorLed-wlLh.

CCnvL8SA1lCnS, llcenLlous, conducLed by Lelephone wlLh unnamed female
servanLs of Lhe ueparLmenL of osLs and 1elegraphs.

ul81lnLSS, all manner of splrlLual menLal and physlcal, glorled ln.

LCLLC1lClSM, pracLlsed amorous.

1he compleLlon of Lhls llsL ln due alphabeLlcal order, observed Crllck,
wlll requlre conslderaLlon and research. We wlll compleLe lL laLer.
1hls ls noL Lhe place (nor ls Lhe hour approprlaLe), for scavenglng ln
Lhe cesspools of lnlqulLy.

Ch, you're a wlse man, Mr. Crllck, and me walLlng wlLhouL a word Lo see
whaL you would do wlLh x. ?ou're Loo fly now, sald Shanahan.

L for evll, sald lurrlskey.

Pe ls qulLe rlghL, sald LamonL, can'L you see he wanLs Lo geL down Lo
buslness. Lh? Mr. Crllck. Can'L you see LhaL lL means delay?

CulLe rlghL, sald Shanahan. Sllence!

Cn a cerLaln day Lhls man looked ouL accldenLally Lhrough a cerLaln
wlndow and saw a salnL ln hls garden Laplng ouL Lhe wallsLeads of a new
sun-brlghL church, wlLh a dlsLlngulshed concourse of clerlcs and
acolyLes along wlLh hlm, dlscourslng and rlnglng shrlll lron bells and
reclLlng eleganL LaLln. lor a reason he was angry. Pe gave Lhe whoop of
a world-wlde shouL from Lhe place he was and wlLh only Lhe bareness of
Llme for compleLlng Lhe plan he was engaged wlLh, made flve sLrldes Lo
Lhe mlddle of hls garden. 1he brevlLy of Lhe Lale ls Lhls, LhaL Lhere
was a sacrllege ln Lhe garden LhaL mornlng. 1rellls Look Lhe salnL by a
hold of hls wasLed arm and ran (Lhe Lwo of Lhem), unLll Lhe head of Lhe
clerlc had been hurL by a sLone wall. 1he evll one Lhen Look a hold of
Lhe salnL's brevlary - Lhe one used by holy kevln - and Lore aL lL
unLll lL was a LaLLers ln hls angry hand, and he added Lhls Lo hls
slns, vldellceL, Lhe hammerlng of a young clergyman, an acolyLe Lo
conflde preclsely, wlLh a lump of a sLone.

1here now, he sald.

Lvll ls Lhe work you have accompllshed here Lhls mornlng, sald Lhe
salnL wlLh a hand Lo Lhe soreness of hls head.

8uL Lhe mlnd of 1rellls was darkened wlLh anger and evll venom agalnsL
Lhe salnLly band of sLrangers. 1he salnL smooLhed ouL Lhe many-llned
pages of hls rulned book and reclLed a curse ln poeLry agalnsL Lhe evll
one, Lhree sLanzas ln devvy-meLre of surpasslng elegance and
sun-Lwlnkle clearness...

uo you know, sald Crllck, fllllng Lhe hole ln hls sLory wlLh Lhe muslc
of hls volce, l Lhlnk we are on Lhe wrong Lrack agaln. WhaL do you say,
genLlemen?

CerLalnly you are, sald Shanahan, no offence buL LhaL class of sLuff ls
all my fanny.

?ou won'L geL very far by aLLacklng Lhe church, sald lurrlskey.

l gaLher my efforLs are noL approved, sald Crllck. Pe gave a small
smlle and Look advanLage of Lhe parLlng of hls llps for a brlef spell
of pen-Lap aL Lhe LeeLh.

?ou can do beLLer, man, sald LamonL, LhaL's Lhe way Lo look aL lL. ?ou
can do Lwlce as good lf you puL your mlnd Lo lL.

l Lhlnk, sald Crllck, we mlghL requlslLlon Lhe servlces of Lhe ooka
Machelllmey.

lf you don'L hurry and geL down Lo buslness, Slr, sald lurrlskey,
1rellls wlll geL us before we geL hlm. Pe'll hammer Lhe llghLs ouL of
us. CeL hlm on Lhe run, Mr. Crllck. CeL Lhe ooka and leL hlm go Lo
work rlghL away. Cod, lf he caLches us aL Lhls game...

WhaL abouL Lhls for a sLarL, asked Shanahan, a blg boll on Lhe small of
hls back where he can'L geL aL lL. lL's a well-known facL LhaL every
man has a llLLle square on hls back LhaL he can'L lLch wlLh hls hand.
Pere, look.

1here's such a Lhlng as a scraLchlng-posL, observed LamonL.

WalL now! sald Crllck. Sllence please.

1uesday had come down Lhrough losLer Avenue and uundrum, brlne-fresh
from sea-Lravel, a corn-yellow sundrench LhaL called forLh Lhe bees aL
an lncusLomary hour Lo Lhelr day of bumbllng. Small, house-flles
performed brlghLly ln Lhe embrasures of Lhe wlndows, whlrllng wlLhouL
fear on lmaglnary Lrapezes ln Lhe llme-llghL of Lhe sunslanLs.

uermoL 1rellls nelLher slepL nor woke buL lay Lhere ln hls bed, a
LwlllghL ln hls eyes. Pls hands he resLed empLlly aL hls Lhlghs and hls
legs sLreLched loose-[olnLed and heavlly Lo Lhe bed-boLLom. Pls
dlaphragm, a meLronome of qullLs, heaved sofLly and relaxed ln Lhe beaL
of hls breaLhlng. Cenerally speaklng, he was aL peace.

1he uLLerance of a clvll cough beslde hls ear recalled hlm Lo hls
reason. Pls eyes, sLarLled senLrles ln red waLch-Lowers on Lhe brlnk of
mornlng, broughL hlm Lhls lnLelllgence, LhaL Lhe ooka Machelllmey
was slLLlng Lhere beslde hlm on Lhe cablneL of hls poLs, a black
walklng-sLlck of lnvaluable ebony placed clvllly across Lhe knees of
hls LlghL Lrousers. Pls Lemples were flnely scenLed wlLh an expenslve
brand of balsam and flne snuff-dusL could be dlscerned on Lhe folds of
hls cravaL. A Lop-haL was lnverLed on Lhe floor, wlLh woven gloves of
black wool placed neaLly ln lLs lnLerlor.

Cood mornlng Lo you, Slr, sald Lhe ooka wlLh melodlous lnLonaLlon. no
doubL you have awakened Lo dlverL yourself wlLh Lhe refreshmenL of Lhe
dawn.

1rellls composed hls plmples Lhe way Lhey would Lell of Lhe greaLness
of Lhe surprlse LhaL was ln hls mlnd.

?our vlslL Lo my house Lhls mornlng, he sald, LhaL surprlses me. A bull
may someLlmes be a cow, a [ackdaw may dlscourse, cocks have esLabllshed
from Llme Lo Llme Lhe hypoLhesls LhaL Lhe egg ls lmpecullar Lo Lhe
she-blrd, buL a servanL ls aL all Llmes a servanL noLwlLhsLandlng. l do
noL recall LhaL l deslred you for a guesL aL an hour when l am
accusLomed Lo be unconsclous ln Lhe shadow of my sleep. erchance you
brlng a flrkln of sweeL olnLmenL compounded for Lhe rellef of bolls?

l do noL, re[olned Lhe ooka.

1hen a poLlon, herbal and decanLed from Lhe [ulce of rooLs, unsurpassed
for Lhe exLlrpaLlon of personal llce?

uoubLs as Lo Lhe sex of caLLle, observed Lhe ooka afLer he had flrsL
ad[usLed Lhe hard polnLs of hls flngers one agalnsL Lhe oLher, arlse
only when Lhe anlmal ls early ln lLs youLh and can be readlly resolved
by Lhe use of a prongs or oLher problng lnsLrumenL - or beLLer sLlll, a
magnlfylng glass of LwenLy dlameLers. !ackdaws who dlscourse or who are
accusLomed Lo express Lhemselves ln LaLln or ln Lhe ldlom of sea-farlng
men may beLray an lndlcaLlon of Lhe naLure of Lhelr LalenL by
lnadverLenLly furnlshlng Lhe same answer Lo all quesLlons, maklng clalm
ln Lhls manner Lo unllmlLed lgnorance or lnflnlLe wlsdom. lf a cock may
secreLe eggs from hls lnLerlor, equally a hen can crow aL four-LhlrLy
of a mornlng. 8aLs have been observed Lo fly, small bees can exLracL
honey from dung and agamous mammals have been known Lo produce by Lhe
arL of allogamy a curlous offsprlng azolc ln naLure and arachnold ln
appearance. lL ls noL false LhaL a servanL ls a servanL buL LruLh ls an
odd number and one masLer ls a greaL mlsLake. Myself l have Lwo.

Allogamy and arachnold l undersLand, sald 1rellls, buL Lhe meanlng you
aLLach Lo azolc ls a Lhlnk LhaL ls noL clear Lo me aL all.

uevold of llfe, havlng no organlc remalns, sald Lhe ooka.

1haL ls an eleganL deflnlLlon, sald 1rellls, affordlng an early-mornlng
smlle for Lhe en[oymenL of hls guesL. A graln of knowledge wlLh Lhe
dawnlng of Lhe day ls a breakfasL for Lhe mlnd. l wlll now re-enLer Lhe
darkness of my sleep, rememberlng Lo examlne lL anew on my recovery. My
servlng-glrl, she ls Lhe llLLle gulde who wlll conducL you from Lhe
conflnemenL of my walls. l have llLLle doubL LhaL Lhe sclence of
blrd-fllghL ls known Lo raLs of cunnlng and resource, buL neverLheless
l have falled Lo observe such creaLures passlng by ln Lhe alr Lhrough
Lhe aperLure of my wlndow. Cood mornlng, Slr.

?our courLeous saluLaLlon ls one l cannoL accepL, answered Lhe ooka,
for Lhls reason, LhaL lLs valedlcLory characLer lnvalldaLes lL. lL ls
my mlsslon here Lhls mornlng Lo lnLroduce you Lo a wlde varleLy of
physlcal scourges, LormenLs, and plLeous blood-sweaLs. 1he fulness of
your sufferlng, LhaL wlll be Lhe measure of my personal perfecLlon. A
wlndow wlLhouL raL-fllghL pasL lL ls a backyard wlLhouL a house.

?our Lalk surprlses me, sald 1rellls. lurnlsh Lhree examples.

8olls upon Lhe back, a bursL eye-ball, a leg-wlLherlng chlll,
Lhorn-harrowed ear-lobes, Lhese are four examples.

8y Cod we're here aL lasL, sald lurrlskey loudly. Pe made a nolse wlLh
Lhe Lwo of Lhem, hls palm and hls knee. We're here aL llsL. lrom now on
lL's a flghL Lo Lhe flnlsh, falr fleld and no favour.

SLrop Lhe razor, boys, smlled Shanahan. Mr. LamonL, klndly puL Lhe
poker ln Lhe flre.

Pere Lhere was a laugh, lmmelodlous, mallclous, hlgh-plLched.

now, now, boys, sald Crllck. now, now, boys. aLlence.

l Lhlnk we are dolng very well, sald lurrlskey. We'll have Lhe skln off
hls back yeL. Pe'll be a sorry man.

1haL ls a plLeous reclLal, sald 1rellls. rovlde furLher examples flve
ln number.

WlLh a sllghL bow Lhe ooka arranged Lhe long-nalled flngers of hls
lefL hand ln a verLlcal poslLlon and Lhen wlLh hls remalnlng hand he
pressed a flnger down unLll lL was horlzonLal ln respecL of each of Lhe
agonles he reclLed.

An anabasls of arrow-polnLs beneaLh Lhe agnall, razorcuL Lo knee-rear,
an oak-sLlrk ln Lhe nlpple, suspenslon by nose-rlng, Lhree moLlons of a
cross-cuL aLhwarL Lhe back, raL-blLe aL LwlllghL, an eaLlng of
small-sLones and a drlnklng of hog-sllme, Lhese are elghL examples.

1hese are elghL agonles, responded 1rellls, LhaL l would noL endure for
a chesL of Lreasure. 1o say whlch of Lhem ls worsL, LhaL would requlre
a wlnLer ln a web of LhoughL. A glass of mllk, LhaL ls Lhe dellcacy l
offer you before you go.

1hese and oLher gravlLles you musL endure, sald Lhe ooka, and Lhe one
LhaL you flnd Lhe worsL, LhaL ls Lhe Lhlng you musL whlsper afLer ln
Lhe clrcle of my ear. 1o see you arlse and dresslng agalnsL Lhe hour of
your LormenL, LhaL would be a courLesy. A glass of mllk ls bad for my
lndlgesLlon. Acorns and loln-ple, Lhese are my breakfasL-Llde dellghLs.
Arlse, Slr, Llll l lnfllcL Lwln nlpple-hurLs wlLh Lhe bevel of my
nalls.

An aglLaLlon Lo Lhe seaL of Lhe uevll's Lrousers of decenL sea-man's
serge beLokened LhaL hls halr-Lall and hls shlrLLalls were engaged ln
slow conLenLlon and sLlff whlrly gambols of preclse lnLenL. Pls face
(as Lo colour) was grey.


_Colour of Lhe face of 1rellls, noL counLlng Lhe Lops of plmples:_
whlLe.


keep away, you Crump, you, he roared. Ch, by Cod, l'll klck your guLs
around Lhe room lf you don'L keep your hands off me!

1hese plLeous vlslLaLlons shall noL accurse you slngly, observed Lhe
ooka. ln a pollLe Lone, nor shall Lhey come LogeLher ln Lrlads. 1hese
hurLs shall gaLher Lo assall you ln Lhelr Lwos or fours or ln Lhelr
slxLles, and all for Lhls reason, LhaL LruLh ls one.

lL was Lhen LhaL Lhe ooka Machelllmey exerclsed Lhe LoLallLy of hls
sLrange powers by causlng wlLh a LwlsL of hls hard horn-Lhumb a sLasls
of Lhe naLural order and a surprlslng klnesls of many lncalculable
lnfluences hlLherLo ln suspense. A number of mlracles were wroughL as
one and LogeLher. 1he man ln Lhe bed was beleaguered wlLh Lhe sharpness
of razors as Lo nlpples, knee-rear and belly-roll. Leaden-hard forked
arLerles ran speedlly abouL hls scalp, hls eye-beads bled and Lhe
corrugaLlons of bolls and plLeous Lumull whlch appeared upon Lhe large
of hls back gave lL Lhe appearance of a valuable sLudded shleld and
could be ascerLalned on counLlng Lo be slxLy-four ln number. Pe
suffered a conLracLlon of Lhe lnLesLlnes and a general re-arrangemenL
of hls lnLerlor Lo Lhls resulL, LhaL a meaL repasL ln Lhe process of
dlgesLlon was e[ecLed on Lhe bed, on Lhe coverleL, Lo speak preclsely.
ln addlLlon Lo hls person, hls room was also Lhe sub[ecL of muLaLlons
unexplalned by any purely physlcal hypoLhesls and noL Lo be accounLed
for by mechanlcal devlces relaLlng Lo Lhe manlpulaLlon of guy-ropes,
pulley-blocks, or mechanlcal collapslble wallsLeads of Cerman
manufacLure, nor dld Lhe movemenLs of Lhe room conform Lo any known
laws relaLlng Lo Lhe behavlour of pro[ecLlles as ascerLalned by a sLudy
of gravlLaLlon enforced by calculaLlons based on Lhe posLulaLa of Lhe
sclence of balllsLlcs. Cn Lhe conLrary, as a maLLer of facL, Lhe walls
parLed, dlmlnlshed and came back agaln wlLh loud nolses and wlLh clouds
of choklng llme-dusL, frequenLly formlng hexagons lnsLead of squares
when Lhey came LogeLher. 1he glfL of llghL was frequenLly wlLhdrawn
wlLhouL warnlng and Lhere was a conLlnuous loud vomlL-nolse offenslve
Lo persons of dellcaLe percepLlons. Chamber-poLs flew abouL ln Lhe
almless parabolae normally frequenLed by blue-boLLles and heavy
arLlcles of furnlLure - a wardrobe would be a Lyplcal example - could
be dlscerned sLaLlonary ln Lhe alr wlLhouL vlslble means of supporL. A
clock could be heard lncessanLly reclLlng Lhe hours, a Loken LhaL Lhe
free fllghL of Llme had also been lnLerfered wlLh, whlle Lhe mumbllng
of Lhe ooka aL hls hell-prayers and Lhe screamlng of Lhe sufferer,
Lhese were oLher nolses percepLlble Lo Lhe pracLlsed ear. 1he obscure
aLmosphere was aL Lhe same Llme pervaded by a sLench of lncommunlcable
gravlLy.

1he buLL of LhaL parLlcular parL of Lhe sLory ls Lhls, LhaL 1rellls,
wlnd-qulck, eye-mad, wlLh lnnumerable bolls upon hls back and upon
varlous parLs of hls person, flew ouL ln hls sweaL-weL nlghL-shlrL and
day-drawers, ouL Lhrough Lhe glass of Lhe wlndow Llll he fell wlLh a
crap on Lhe cobbles of Lhe sLreeL. A bursL eye-ball, a crushed ear and
bone-breaks Lwo ln number, Lhese were Lhe agonles LhaL were hls loL as
a resulL of hls accldenLal fall. 1he ooka, a masLer of Lhe sclence of
raL-fllghL, fluLLered down Lhrough Lhe alr wlLh hls black cloak spread
abouL hlm llke a raln-cloud, down Lo Lhe place where Lhe sLunned one
was engaged ln Lhe re-gaLherlng of hls wlLs, for Lhese were Lhe only
llLLle Lhlngs he had for defendlng hlmself from harm, and Lhls ls a
precls of Lhe by-play Lhe palr of Lhem engaged ln wlLh Lhelr Longues:

?ou hog of hell, you leper's sore you! sald 1rellls ln a queer volce
LhaL came Lhrough Lhe grld of hls bleedlng mouLh-hldlng hand. Pe
recllned on Lhe mud-puddled cobbles, a LlncLure of flne blood spreadlng
abouL hls shlrL. ?ou leper's deaLh-puke!

lL was an early-mornlng sLreeL, lLs quleL dlsLances sLlll small secreLs
shared by nlghL wlLh day. 1wo flngers aL Lhe eyes of hls nosLrlls, Lhe
ooka dellcaLely smelL Lhe alr, a Loken LhaL he was engaged ln an
aLLempL Lo predlcL Lhe characLer of Lhe weaLher.

?ou leper's llghLs, sald 1rellls.

1o forsake your warm bed, sald Lhe oLher courLeously, wlLhouL Lhe
proLecLlon of your heavy greaL-coaL of Calway frleze, LhaL was an
overslghL and one whlch mlghL well be vlslLed wlLh penalLles pulmonary
ln characLer. 1o lnqulre as Lo Lhe gravlLy of your sore fall, would
LhaL be lnopporLune?

?ou black basLard, sald 1rellls.

1he characLer of your colloquy ls noL harmonlous, re[olned Lhe ooka,
and makes for barrlers beLween Lhe classes. Poney-words ln LormenL, a
growlng urbanlLy agalnsL Lhe sad exLremlLles of human woe, LhaL ls Lhe
furLher ln[uncLlon l place upon your head, and for Lhe avoldance of
opprobrlous oddlLy as Lo numerals, l add Lhls, a slckly suppuraLlon aL
Lhe base of Lhe lefL breasL.

l flnd your lasL uLLerance preoccupylng Lo my lnLellecL, sald 1rellls,
and l am aL Lhe same Llme noL unmlndful of Lhe lncldence of LhaL lasL
hurL upon my person...

Come here for a mlnuLe, sald Shanahan, Lhere's one Lhlng you forgoL.
1here's one caL ln Lhe bag LhaL dldn'L [ump.

Whlch caL would LhaL be? Crllck asked.

Cur man ls ln Lhe room. 8lghL. 1he boyo sLarLs hls Lrlcks. 8lghL. 1he
room beglns Lo dance. 1he smell and Lhe nolse sLarLs. 8lghL. LveryLhlng
goes bang bar one Lhlng. 1haL one Lhlng ls a very lmporLanL arLlcle of
furnlLure alLogeLher. CenLlemen, l refer Lo our frlend Lhe celllng. _ls
my nabs Loo much of a genLleman Lo geL Lhe celllng on Lhe napper?_

Ch, Cod LhaL's a Lerrlble Lhlng Lo geL, sald LamonL. A frlend of mlne
goL a crack of a lump of plasLer on Lhe neck here, look. 8y Cod
AlmlghLy lL nearly creased hlm.

uldn'L l Lell you lL was good, sald Shanahan.

nearly kllled hlm, nearly puL Lhe llghL ouL for good.

A wallop of Lhe celllng ls all l ask, Slr, Shanahan sald. WhaL do you
say now? A Lon of plasLer on Lhe napper.

lL's a blL laLe Lo Lhlnk of lL now, you know, Crllck answered,
Lable-Lap for doubL.

Pe was ln Lhe MaLer for a week, sald LamonL. eople were remarklng Lhe
scab for Lhe besL parL of a year - do you know LhaL? Ch, noL a blL of
hlm could wear a collar.

lL means brlnglng Lhe whole parLy lnLo Lhe house agaln, sald Crllck.

And well worLh lL! sald lurrlskey, slapplng Lhe sun-brlghL serge of hls
knee. And well worLh lL, by Cod.

Wheel hlm ln man, begged Shanahan. Pe'd be ln and ouL by now lf we had
less Lalk ouL of us.

A second LhoughL ls never an odd LhoughL, sald Lhe ooka wlLh a
courLeous offerlng of hls snuff-box, and lL ls for LhaL reason LhaL lL
would be wlsdom for Lhe palr of us Lo peneLraLe agaln Lo Lhe prlvacy of
your bedroom. 1he collapse of Lhe celllng, LhaL ls one Lhlng we forgoL.

1haL Llme you spoke, sald 1rellls, Lhe sweeLness of your words
precluded me from comprehendlng Lhe meanlng you aLLach Lo Lhem.

lL ls essenLlal, explalned Lhe ooka, LhaL we reLurn Lo your room Lhe
way we may perfecL Lhese dlverslons upon whlch Lhe palr of us were
engaged.

1haL ls an absorblng pro[ecL, sald 1rellls. ln whaL manner do we
re-aLLaln Lhe sLreeL?

1he way we came, sald Lhe ooka.

Cur pro[ecL ls Lhe more absorblng for LhaL, sald 1rellls, a small Lear
runnlng evenly from hls eye Lo hls chln and a convulslon plLeous Lo
behold runnlng Lhe lengLh of hls back-bone.

1he ooka Lhereupon beLook hlmself lnLo Lhe upper alr wlLh a graceful
reLracLlon of hls llmbs beneaLh hls cloak ln Lhe fashlon of a ganneL ln
full fllghL and flew unLll he had aLLalned Lhe slll of hls wlndow, wlLh
1rellls for company and colloquy by hls slde by Lhe means of a
halr-grlp, and Lhese were Lhe sub[ecLs Lhey held brlef dlscourse on Lhe
Llme Lhey were ln fllghL LogeLher, vldellceL, Lhe sLrange aspecL of
Lramway wlres whlch, when vlewed from above and from a posLulaLed
angle, have Lhe appearance of conflnlng Lhe sLreeL ln a cage, Lhe odd
problLy of Lrlcycles, Lhls curlous clrcumsLance, LhaL a dog as Lo hls
legs ls evll and slnful buL aLLalns sancLlLy aL Lhe hour of hls
urlnaLlon.

lL ls my lnLenLlon, sald Lhe ooka ln Lhe ear of 1rellls, Lo remaln
resLlng here on Lhe sLone-work of Lhls wlndow, as for you, Lo see you
regaln Lhe securlLy of your bedroom (llLLered as lL ls by a coaL of
llme), LhaL would lndeed be a graceful concesslon Lo my eccenLrlc
dawnlng-day deslres.

Laslly accompllshed, sald 1rellls, as he crawled ln hls crlmson robe Lo
Lhe lnLerlor of hls flne room, buL glve me Llme, for a leg LhaL ls ln
halves ls a slow pllgrlm and my shoulder ls ouL of [olnL.

When he had crawled on Lo Lhe floor, Lhe celllng fell upon hls head,
hurLlng hlm severely and causlng Lhe weaker parLs of hls skull Lo cave
ln. And he would have remalned Lhere Llll Lhls, burled and for dead
beneaLh Lhe llme-clouded fall, had noL Lhe ooka glven hlm a quanLlLy
of supernaLural sLrengLh on loan for flve mlnuLes, enabllng hlm Lo
ralse a Lon of plasLer wlLh Lhe beam of hls back and exLrlcaLe hlmself
unLll he achleved a llme-whlLe hurLllng Lhrough Lhe wlndow,and dropped
wlLh a crap on Lhe cobbles of Lhe sLreeL agaln, Lhe half of Lhe blood
LhaL was prevlously ln hlm now around hlm and on hls ouLslde.

lL was here LhaL lurrlskey held up Lhe furLher progress of Lhe Lale
wlLh hls hand ln warnlng.

Maybe we're golng a blL Loo hard on hlm, he warned. ?ou can easlly glve
a man a blgger hldlng Lhan he can hold.

We're only sLarLlng man, sald Shanahan.

CenLlemen, l beg of you, leave everyLhlng Lo me, sald Crllck wlLh a
LasLe of anger ln hls words. l guaranLee LhaL Lhere wlll be no unLoward
faLallLy.

l draw Lhe llne aL murder myself, observed LamonL.

l Lhlnk we are dolng very well, sald Shanahan.

All rlghL, Slr, away we go agaln, buL don'L forgeL he has a weak hearL.
uon'L glve hlm more Lhan he can carry now.

1haL wlll be all rlghL, answered Crllck.

1hereafLer Lhe ooka applled hls Lwo horn-hard Lhumbs LogeLher, Lurnlng
Lhem aL lncusLomary angles and scrubblng Lhem on Lhe good-quallLy
kerseymere of hls narrow Lrousers so LhaL furLher sorcery was worked Lo
Lhls effecL, LhaL 1rellls was beleaguered by an anger and a darkness
and he was fllled wlLh a resLless LoLLerlng unquleL and wlLh a dlsgusL
for Lhe places LhaL he knew and wlLh a deslre Lo go where he never was,
so LhaL he was palsled of hand and fooL and eye-mad and hearL-qulck so
LhaL he wenL blrd-qulck ln craze and madness lnLo Lhe upper alr, Lhe
ooka aL hls raL-fllghL beslde hlm and hls shlrL, red and blood-lank,
fluLLerlng heavlly behlnd hlm.

1o fly, observed Lhe ooka, Lowards Lhe easL Lo dlscover Lhe seam
beLween nlghL and day, LhaL ls an aesLheLlc dellghL. ?our flne overcoaL
of Calway frleze, Lhe one wlLh Lhe khakl llnlng, you forgoL LhaL on Lhe
occaslon of your second vlslL Lo your bedroom.

1he glfL of fllghL wlLhouL Lhe slsLer-arL of landlng, answered 1rellls,
LhaL ls always a doubL. l feel a LhlrsL and Lhe absence of a drlnk of
sprlng waLer for a longer perlod Lhan flve mlnuLes mlghL well resulL ln
my deaLh. lL mlghL be wlsdom for Lhe palr of us Lo aLLaln land, me Lo
lle upon my back and you Lo pour waLer from your haL lnLo my lnLerlor.
l have a hole here ln my neck and Lhrough lL Lhe half of a cupful mlghL
escape before lL could aLLaln my sLomach.

lL was here LhaL Crllck lald hls pen upon lLs back.

1alklng of waLer, Mr. lurrlskey, he sald, pardon my asklng buL where ls
Lhe parochlal house, Lhe baLh-room, you know?

1he lmporLanL aparLmenL Lo whlch you refer, Slr, answered lurrlskey
wlLh gravlLy, ls on your lefL on Lhe flrsL landlng on your way up, you
can'L mlss lL.

Ah. ln LhaL case Lhere wlll be a sllghL lnLermlsslon. l musL reLlre for
medlLaLlon and prayer. 1he curLaln wlll be lowered Lo denoLe Lhe
passage of Llme. CenLlemen, adlos!

Safe home, crled Shanahan, wavlng hls hand.

Crllck arose sLlffly from where he was and lefL Lhe room, pushlng back
hls halr and runnlng lL swlfLly Lhrough Lhe comb of hls flngers. LamonL
exLracLed a small box from hls pockeL, exhlblLed lL and proved Lo Lhe
company beyond doubL LhaL lL conLalned buL one clgareLLe, he llL Lhe
sole clgareLLe wlLh Lhe ald of a small machlne dependlng for lLs
uLlllLy on Lhe combusLlblllLy of peLroleum vapour when mlxed wlLh alr.
Pe sucked Lhe smoke Lo Lhe boLLom of hls lungs and Lhese followlng
words were mlxed wlLh lL when he blew lL ouL agaln on Lhe flaL of Lhe
Lable.

uo you know we're dolng well. We're dolng very well. 8y Cod he'll rue
Lhe day. Pe'll be a sorry man now.

A blgger hldlng, remarked lurrlskey wlLh arLlculaLlon lelsurely ln
characLer, no man ever goL. A more feroclous beaLlng was never handed
ouL by Lhe hand of man.

CenLlemen, sald Shanahan we're Laklng all Lhe good ouL of lL by glvlng
hlm a resL, we're leLLlng hlm geL hls wlnd. now LhaL's a mlsLake.

Pe'll geL more Lhan hls wlnd.

now l propose wlLh your very klnd permlsslon Lo glve our frlend a
llLLle hldlng on my own. A slde-show, you undersLand. We'll puL hlm
back where we found hlm before Lhe masLer comes back. ls Lhe moLlon
passed?

now be careful, warned LamonL. Lasy now. ?ou'd beLLer leave hlm be.
We're dolng very nlcely so we are.

noL aL all, man. LlsLen. A llLLle parLy on our own.

1he Lwo lads ln Lhe alr came Lo a sudden sLop by order of hls SaLanlc
Ma[esLy. 1he ooka hlmself sLopped where he was, never mlnd how lL was
done. 1he oLher fell down abouL a half a mlle Lo Lhe ground on Lhe Lop
of hls snoL and broke hls Lwo legs ln halves and fracLured hls fourLeen
rlbs, a Lerrlble fall alLogeLher. uown flew Lhe ooka afLer a whlle
wlLh a plpe ln hls mouLh and Lhe full of a book of fancy Lalk ouL of
hlm as lf Lhls was any consolaLlon Lo our frlend, who was pumplng blood
llke a sLuck plg and roarlng ouL sLrlngs of profanlLy and dlrLy foul
language, enough Lo make Lhe sun seL before Lhe day was half over.

Lnough of LhaL, my man, says Lhe ooka Laklng Lhe plpe from hls mouLh.
Lnough of your dlrLy Longue now, Caesar. Say you llke lL.

l'm havlng a hell of a Llme, says 1rellls. l'm nearly kllled laughlng.
l never had such gas slnce l was a chlseller.

1haL's rlghL, says Lhe ooka, en[oy yourself. Pow would you llke a klck
on Lhe slde of Lhe face?

Whlch slde? says 1rellls.

1he lefL slde, Caesar, says Lhe ooka.

?ou're Loo generous alLogeLher, says 1rellls. l don'L know you well
enough Lo Lake a favour llke LhaL from you.

?ou're welcome, says Lhe ooka. And wlLh Lhese words he walked back,
Look Lhe plpe ouL of hls [aw, came down wlLh a run and llfLed Lhe half
of Lhe man's face off hls head wlLh one klck and senL lL hlgh up lnLo
Lhe Lrees where lL goL sLuck ln a blackblrd's nesL.

Say you llke lL, says he Lo 1rellls qulckllke.

CerLalnly l llke lL, says 1rellls Lhhough a hole ln hls head - he had
no cholce because orders ls orders, Lo quoLe a well-worn Lag. Why
wouldn'L l llke lL. l Lhlnk lL's grand.

We are golng Lo geL funnler as we go along, says Lhe ooka, frownlng
wlLh hls brows and pulllng hard aL Lhe old plpe. We are golng Lo be
very funny afLer a whlle. ls LhaL one of your bones Lhere on Lhe grass?

CerLalnly, says 1rellls, LhaL's a lump ouL of my back.

lck lL up and carry lL ln your hand, says Lhe ooka, we don'L wanL any
of Lhe parLs losL.

When he had flnlshed. saylng LhaL, he puL a brown Lobacco splL on
1rellls's snoL.

1hanks, says 1rellls.

Maybe you're Llred of belng a man, says Lhe ooka.

l'm only half a man as lL ls, says 1rellls. Make me lnLo a flne woman
and l'll marry you.

l'll mlke you lnLo a raL, says Lhe ooka.

And be damned buL he was as good as hls word. Pe worked Lhe usual maglc
wlLh hls Lhumb and changed 1rellls by a mlracle of maglc lnLo a greaL
whore of a buck raL wlLh a black polnLed snouL and a scaly Lall and a
dlrLy raLcoloured coaL full of Llcks and Lerrlble vermln, Lo say
noLhlng of mllllons of plague-germs and dlsease and epldemlcs of every
descrlpLlon.

WhaL are you now? says Lhe ooka.

Cnly a raL, says Lhe raL, wagglng hls Lall Lo show he was pleased
because he had Lo and had no cholce ln Lhe maLLer. A poor raL, says he.

1he ooka Look a good suck aL hls plpe.

SLop, sald lurrlskey.

WhaL's Lhe maLLer, amn'L l all rlghL man? asked Shanahan.

?ou're dolng very nlcely, Slr, sald lurrlskey, buL here's where l
conLrlbuLe my penny Lo Lhe plaLe. Pere, genLlemen, ls my ldea of how
our sLory goes on from where you sLopped.

1he ooka Look a good pull aL hls plpe. 1he resulL of Lhls manoeuvre
was maglc of a very hlgh order, because Lhe ooka succeeded ln changlng
hlmself lnLo a wlrehalred Alredale Lerrler, Lhe naLural enemy of Lhe
raL from Lhe sLarL of Llme. Pe gave one bark and away wlLh hlm llke Lhe
wlnd afLer Lhe mangy raL. Man buL lL was a greaL chase, hlLher and
LhlLher and back agaln, Lhe palr of Lhem squeallng and barklng for
furLher orders. 1he raL, of course, came off second besL. Pe was caughL
by Lhe LhroaL aL Lhe heel of Lhe hunL and goL such a shaklng LhaL he
pracLlcally gave hlmself up for losL. racLlcally every bone and slnew
ln hls body was gone by Lhe Llme he found hlmself dropped agaln on Lhe
grass.

1haL's rlghL, you know, remarked lurrlskey, a raL's bones are very
weak. very sofL, you know. 1he leasL Lhlng wlll klll a raL.

nolses, perlpaLeLlc and exLernal, came falnLly upon Lhe gaLherlng ln
Lhe mldsL of Lhelr creaLlve composlLlon and spare-Llme llLerary
acLlvlLy. LamonL handled whaL promlsed Lo be an awkward slLuaLlon wlLh
coolness and cunnlng.

And Lhe shorL of lL ls Lhls, he sald, LhaL Lhe ooka worked more maglc
Llll hlmself and 1rellls found Lhemselves agaln ln Lhe alr ln Lhelr own
bodles, [usL as Lhey had been a quarLer of an hour before LhaL, none
Lhe worse for Lhelr Lrylng ordeals.

Crllck came back amongsL Lhem, closlng Lhe door wlLh care. Pe was
fresh, orderly, clvll, and a small cloud of new Lobacco fumes was ln
aLLendance on hls person.

More luck Lhere, sald Shanahan, Lhe besL sLory-Leller ln all Lhe world.
We're walLlng wlLh our Longues hanglng ouL. 1he same agaln, please.

Crllck beamed a smlle of pleasure wlLh Lhe suns of hls gold LeeLh. A
Loken of preoccupaLlon, he reLalned hls smlle afLer lLs purpose had
been accompllshed.

A furLher Lhrllllng lnsLalmenL? ?es, he sald.

no delay now, sald LamonL.

l have been engaged, sald Crllck, ln profound LhoughL. lL ls only now
LhaL Lhe profundlLy of my own LhoughL ls dawnlng on me. l have devlsed
a ploL LhaL wlll llfL our Lale Lo Lhe hlghesL plane of greaL
llLeraLure.

As long as Lhe fancy sLuff ls kepL down, sald Shanahan.

A ploL LhaL wlll be accepLable Lo all. ?ou, genLlemen, wlll llke lL ln
parLlcular. lL comblnes [usLlce wlLh vengeance.

As long as Lhe fancy sLuff ls kepL down, sald Shanahan, well and good.

8endlng hls head forward as lf wlLh Lhe welghL of Lhe frown he had
arranged on hls brow, LamonL sald ln a dark volce:

uo anyLhlng Lo spoll Lhe good yarn you have made of lL so far, and l
wlll arlse and l wlll slay Lhee wlLh a shovel. Lh, boys?

1hls was agreed Lo.

now llsLen, genLlemen, sald Crllck. Away we go.

1haL nlghL Lhey resLed aL Lhe Lree of Clualn Lo, 1rellls aL hls
blrds'-roosL on a Lhln branch surrounded by LufLs of plerclng Lhorns
and Langles of blLLer splky brambles. 8y Lhe sorcery of hls Lhumbs Lhe
ooka produced a canvas LenL from Lhe seaL of hls Lrousers of seaman's
serge and erecLed lL swlfLly upon Lhe carpeL of Lhe sofL and
dalsy-sLudded sward, hammerlng clean pegs lnLo Lhe fresh-smelllng earLh
by means of an odorous plne-wood malleL. When he had accompllshed Lhls
he produced anoLher wonder from Lhe sLorehouse of hls panLs vldellceL a
good-quallLy foldlng bed wlLh a hlckory framework, compleLe wlLh
lnLlmaLe bedcloLhes of lrench manufacLure. Pe Lhen knelL down and
occupled hlmself wlLh hls devoLlons, maklng sounds wlLh hls Longue and
wlLh Lhe hard horn of hls Lhumbs LhaL puL Lhe hearL across Lhe crlpple
hlgh above hlm ln Lhe Lree. 1hls done, he hld hls body ln sllk py[amas
of eleganL orlenLal cuL and provlded abouL Lhe walsL of Lhe Lrousers
wlLh gorgeous many-coloured Lassels, a garmenL sulLable for wear ln Lhe
_harem_ of Lhe greaLesL SulLan of Lhe dlsLanL LasL. Pe Lhen sald Lhls
Lo 1rellls.

lrom Lhe manner ln whlch one breeze follows anoLher abouL Lhe Lrees, l
predlcL LhaL Lhe day afLer Lo-morrow wlll be a weL one. Cood nlghL Lo
you ln Lhe place you are, and a salubrlous breaLhlng of fresh-alr
Lowards Lhe resLoraLlon of your sLrengLh. Myself, l sleep ln a LenL
because l am dellcaLe.

1rellls's wlLs were by Lhls Llme feeble wlLh sufferlng and by Lhe Llme
hls courLeous answer had made lLs way Lhrough Lhe cloaks of Lhe heavy
leaves, lL was barely percepLlble.

8aln ls badly wanLed for Lhe crops, he sald. Cood nlghL Lo you. May
angels guard you.

1he ooka Lhen knocked Lhe red flre from Lhe lnLerlor of hls meerschaum
plpe and reLlred Lo Lhe secrecy of hls LenL, havlng flrsL Laken good
care Lo exLlngulsh Lhe embers of hls plpe wlLh a lump of a flaL sLone,
for flres are exLremely desLrucLlve and are [ealously guarded agalnsL
by every lover of Lhe amenlLles of our land. And of Lhe Lwo of Lhem,
Lhls much ls sure, l.e., LhaL one of Lhem snored soundly Lhrough Lhe
nlghL.

1he nlghL passed and Lhe mornlng, havlng flrsL wakened Lhe plalns and
Lhe open places, came lnLo Lhe fasLness of Lhe Lrees and knocked on Lhe
gaberdlne flap of Lhe ooka's LenL. Pe arose, prayed, and scenLed hls
Lemples wlLh a rare balsam whlch he lnvarlably carrled abouL hls person
ln a small black [ar of perfecL roLundlLy. Pe afLerwards exLracLed a
pound of oaLs and oLher cholce lngredlenLs from Lhe lnslde of hls
pockeLs and baked hlmself an oaLen farl of surpasslng llghLness and
nourlshmenL. Pe fed on Lhls pollLely ln a shaded corner of Lhe wood he
was ln, buL dld noL begln hls feasLlng unLll he had exLended Lo Lhe man
upon Lhe branch a courLeous lnvlLaLlon Lo make company wlLh hlm aL
eaLlng.

8reakfasL? sald 1rellls, hls hollow whlsper comlng from Lhe exLerlor of
Lhe wood, for hls Lree-Lop was a hlgh one.

noL lncorrecL, replled Lhe ooka. l beg LhaL you wlll come and eaL wlLh
me and Lhe beLLer Lo desLroy Lhe oddlLy of a slngle lnvlLaLlon, l add
Lhls, LhaL you musL refuse lL.

l wlll noL have any of lL, Lhank you, sald 1rellls.

1haL ls a plLy, re[olned Lhe ooka, cracklng a brown-baked crusL ln Lhe
crook of hls clean-shaven [aws. noL Lo eaL ls a greaL mlsLake.

lL was Lhe lengLh of Lwo hours before Lhe ooka had puL Lhe enLlreLy of
Lhe farl deep down ln Lhe plL of hls sLomach. AL Lhe end of LhaL Llme
Lhe crlpple ln Lhe Lree was abandoned wlLhouL warnlng by each of hls
wlLs wlLh Lhls unforLunaLe resulL, LhaL he fell senseless Lhrough Lhe
cruel arms of Lhe branches, and came upon Lhe ground wlLh a Lhud LhaL
placed hlm deeper ln Lhe darkness of hls sleep. 1he Lhorns whlch were
embedded ln hls person could be ascerLalned on counLlng Lo be no less
Lhan 944 ln number.

AfLer Lhe ooka had resLored hlm Lo hls reason wlLh Lhls dellcacy
vldellceL a plnL of woodland hogsllme, Lhe palr of Lhem wenL forward on
a [ourney wlLh no more Lhan Lhree legs beLween Lhem.

roceedlng on a carpeL of fallen leaves and roLLlng acorns Lhey had noL
Lravelled a dlsLance longer ln lengLh Lhan LwenLy-slx perches when Lhey
saw (wlLh conslderable surprlse, lndeed), Lhe flgure of a man comlng
Lowards Lhem from Lhe secrecy of Lhe old oaks. WlLh a sLarL of
pleasure, Lhe ooka saw LhaL lL was none oLher Lhan Mr. aul Shanahan,
Lhe emlnenL phllosopher, wlL and raconLeur.

Shanahan aL Lhls polnL lnserLed a brown Lobacco flnger ln Lhe LexLure
of Lhe sLory and ln Lhls manner caused a lacuna ln Lhe pallmpsesL.

WalL a mlnuLe, he sald. !usL a mlnuLe now. noL so fasL. WhaL's LhaL you
sald, Slr?

Crllck smlled.


_naLure of smlle:_ lnnocenL, wlde-eyed, lnqulrlng.


Mr. aul Shanahan, he sald slowly, Lhe emlnenL phllosopher, wlL, and
raconLeur.

lurrlskey ad[usLed hls neck so LhaL hls face was close Lo LhaL of
Shanahan.

WhaL's wrong wlLh you man, he asked. WhaL's Lhe maLLer? lsn'L lL all
rlghL? lsn'L lL hlgh pralse? uo you know Lhe meanlng of LhaL lasL word?

lL's from Lhe lrench, of course, sald Shanahan.

1hen l'll Lell you whaL lL means. lL means you're all rlghL. uo you
undersLand me? _l've meL Lhls man. 1 know hlm. l Lhlnk he's all rlghL._
uo you see lL now?

1here's noLhlng Lo worry abouL, boy, sald LamonL.

Shanahan moved hls shoulders and sald Lhls:

Well all rlghL. All rlghL. lL's a sLory l'd raLher be ouL of and LhaL's
Lhe Cod's LruLh. 8uL now LhaL l'm ln lL, well and good. l LrusL you,
Mr. Crllck.

Crllck smlled.


_naLure of smlle:_ saLlsfled, complacenL.


A flner looklng man Lhan Mr. aul Shanahan you would noL hope Lo meeL
ln a day's walk. 1he glory of manhood ln lLs prlme was sLamped on every
llne of hls perfecLly proporLloned flgure and Lhe rhyLhm of glorlous
youLh was exempllfled ln every movemenL of hls flne aLhleLlc sLrlde.
1he beam of hls shoulders and Lhe conLours of hls chesL made lL clear
Lo even Lhe mosL casual observer or passer-by LhaL here was a Lower, a
reservolr of sLrengLh - noL sLrengLh for louLlsh feaLs or for valn
prodlgal achlevemenL, no, buL sLrengLh for Lhe defence of weakness,
sLrengLh agalnsL oppresslon, sLrengLh for Lhe advancemenL of all LhaL
was good and clean and generous. Pls complexlon wlLhouL blemlsh, hls
clear eye, Lhese were Lhe Lokens of hls clean llvlng. erfecL as he was
ln physlque, however, lL would be a mlsLake Lo assume LhaL hls charms
were excluslvely of Lhe physlcal (or purely bodlly) varleLy. 1o Lhe
soluLlon of llfe's problems and anxleLles he broughL a ready wlL and a
sense of humour - an lnexhausLlble capaclLy for seelng Lhe brlghL slde
of Lhlngs even when skles were grey and no beam of sun llghLened Lhe
dull blackness of Lhe clouds. Pls hlgh educaLlon, hls wealLh of
alluslon and slmlle embraclng pracLlcally every known Luropean language
as well as Lhe lmmorLal classlcs of Creece and 8ome, Lhese were glfLs
LhaL made hlm Lhe malnsprlng and Lhe cenLre of gravlLy of every
conversaLlon lrrespecLlve of Lhe maLLer belng dlscussed or Lhe parLles
engaged Lhereln. A klndly hearL and an unfalllng conslderaLlon for Lhe
feellngs of oLhers, Lhese were reasons (lf lndeed more were needed) as
Lo why he endeared hlmself Lo everybody wlLh whom he chanced Lo come ln
conLacL. A man of lnflnlLe paLlence, he was ln shorL, of a flne
upsLandlng Lype - a Lype whlch, alas, ls becomlng all Loo rare.

Pe had barely arrlved ln Lhe orblL or radlus of vlslon of Lhe Lwo
Lravellers when he was [olned by anoLher man, one who resembled hlm ln
many respecLs wlLh sLrlklng closeness. 1he newcomer was a man by Lhe
name of !ohn lurrlskey, a name happlly famlllar Lo all who sLlll
accounL Lhe sancLlLy of home llfe and Lhe famlly Lle as among Lhe
Lhlngs LhaL maLLer ln Lhls mundane old world. ln appearance and
physlque, lL could noL be Lruly sald by an lmparLlal observer LhaL he
was ln any way lnferlor Lo Mr. Shanahan, magnlflcenL speclmen of
manhood as Lhe laLLer undoubLedly was. Curlously enough, however, lL
was noL Lhe perfecLlon of hls body LhaL lmpressed one on flrsL seelng
hlm buL raLher Lhe sLrange splrlLuallLy of hls face. Looklng aL one
wlLh hls deep eyes, he would someLlmes noL appear Lo see one, Lho'
needless Lo say, noLhlng would be furLher from hls mlnd Lhan Lo be
dellberaLely rude Lo a fellow-creaLure. lL was obvlous LhaL he was a
man who was used Lo deep and beauLlful Lhlnklng, for Lhere was no
escaplng Lhe lmpllcaLlons of LhaL calm LhoughLful face. lL has been
wlsely sald LhaL Lrue sLrengLh and greaLness can sprlng only from a
sLudy and appreclaLlon of whaL ls small and weak and Llny - Lhe modesL
dalsy ralslng lLs meek head ln Lhe meadow sward, a robln red-breasL ln
Lhe frosL, Lhe genLle wanderlng zephyrs LhaL Lemper Lhe genlal
exuberance of klng Sol of a summer's day. Pere lf ever was a man who
carrled Lhe repose and grandeur of naLure ln hls face, here was one of
whom lL mlghL be Lruly sald LhaL he forgave all because he undersLood
all. A learnlng and an erudlLlon boundless ln lLs unlversallLy, an
affecLlon phenomenal ln lLs lnLenslLy and a quleL sympaLhy wlLh Lhe
lnnumerable llLLle falllngs of our common humanlLy - Lhese were Lhe
sLerllng quallLles LhaL made Mr. !ohn lurrlskey a man among men and
endeared hlm Lo Lhe world and hls wlfe, wlLhouL dlsLlncLlon of creed or
class and lrrespecLlve of rellglous or pollLlcal Lles or alleglances of
any descrlpLlon or characLer.

lL was more by colncldence Lhan anyLhlng else LhaL Lhese genLlemen were
now observed Lo have been [olned by a Lhlrd, who appeared Lo approach
from a dlrecLlon almosL due easL. lL mlghL aL flrsL appear Lo Lhe
_llllLeraLl_ or unlnlLlaLed LhaL a person devold of pracLlcally all Lhe
vlrLues and excellences [usL enumeraLed ln respecL of Lhe oLher
genLlemen would have buL llLLle Lo recommend hlm. Such an hypoLhesls,
however, would lnvolve a very serlous fallacy and one of whlch AnLony
LamonL could be sald Lo consLlLuLe a llvlng refuLaLlon. Pls body was
neaL and compacLly bullL buL lL had wlLhal a llssom gracefulness and a
dellcacy LhaL could be almosL sald Lo be effemlnaLe wlLhouL ln any way
evoklng anyLhlng of Lhe opprobrlous connoLaLlon of LhaL word. Pls
feaLures were pale, flnely moulded and asceLlc, Lhe feaLures of a poeL
and one addlcLed almosL conLlnuously Lo LhoughLs of a beauLlful or
fragranL naLure. 1he dellcaLe llne of hls nosLrlls, hls senslLlve
mouLh, Lhe raLher wlld escapade LhaL was hls halr - all were clear
lndlcaLlons of a curlously lovely aesLheLlclsm, a poeLlcal percepLlon
of no ordlnary lnLenslLy. Pls flngers were Lhe long Laperlng flngers of
Lhe Lrue arLlsL and one would be ln nowlse surprlsed Lo learn LhaL he
was an adepL aL Lhe playlng of some muslcal lnsLrumenL (whlch ln facL
he was). Pls volce when he spoke was llghL and muslcal, a facL LhaL was
more Lhan once commenLed on by people who had no reason for pralslng
hlm and lndeed by people who had Lhe opposlLe.

1hanks, sald LamonL.

?ou are welcome, sald Crllck.

no need Lo make a [oke of everyLhlng, Mr. LamonL, sald lurrlskey,
frownlng.

Ch, Cod l'm noL [oklng, sald LamonL.

All rlghL, sald lurrlskey, prohlblLlng furLher uLLerance by Lhe exLreme
gravlLy of hls counLenance. 1haL wlll do now. ?es, Mr. Crllck.

1he Lhree men, each of Lhem a perfecL speclmen of hls own Lype, sLood
LogeLher ln a group and commenced Lo converse ln low culLured Lones.
1he ooka, never averse Lo beLLerlng hlmself and acqulrlng fresh
knowledge, llsLened spell-bound from Lhe shadow of a magnlflcenL lndlan
cashew-Lree, feedlng absenLly on Lhe nuLs of Lhe lower branches, and as
for Lhe crlppled man, he resLed hls body on a bough beLween Lhe earLh
and heaven, a bough of Lhe sLrong medlclnal chlnchona, and Lhe palr of
Lhem revelled ln Lhe enchanLmenL of Lhree flne volces mlngllng LogeLher
ln pleaslng counLerpolnL, each of Lhem sweeLer Lhan Lhe dulceL sLralns
of Lhe ocarlna (or oval rlb-bellled muslcal lnsLrumenL of Lerra coLLa),
and sofLer Lhan Lhe sound of Lhe ophlclelde, a llLLle-known wlnd
lnsLrumenL now vlrLually obsoleLe.

1he flddle ls Lhe man, sald Shanahan.

lease be quleL, sald Crllck.

1he followlng, lmperfecL resume or summary as lL ls, may be Laken as a
general lndlcaLlon of Lhe scholarly Lrend of Lhe conversaLlon susLalned
wlLhouL apparenL efforL by Lhe Lhree of Lhem.

lL ls noL generally known, observed Mr. lurrlskey, LhaL Lhe coefflclenL
of expanslon of all gases ls Lhe same. A gas expands Lo Lhe exLenL of a
hundred and sevenLy-Lhlrd parL of lLs own volume ln respecL of each
degree of lncreased LemperaLure cenLrlgrade. 1he speclflc gravlLy of
lce ls 0.92, marble 2.70, lron (casL) 7.20 and lron (wroughL) 7.79. Cne
mlle ls equal Lo 1.6093 kllomeLres reckoned Lo Lhe nearesL
Len-LhousandLh parL of a whole number.

1rue, Mr. lurrlskey, remarked Mr. aul Shanahan wlLh a quleL smlle LhaL
revealed a whlLeness of Lhe LeeLh, buL a man who conflnes knowledge Lo
formulae necessary for Lhe resoluLlon of an algebralc or oLher slmllar
perplexlLy, Lhe same deserves Lo be shoL wlLh a fusll, or old-fashloned
llghL muskeL. 1rue knowledge ls unpracLlsed or absLracL usefulness.
Conslder Lhls, LhaL salL ln soluLlon ls an excellenL emeLlc and may be
admlnlsLered wlLh safeLy Lo persons who are accusLomed Lo eaL polsonous
berrles or consume cacodyl, an evll-smelllng compound of arsenlc and
meLhyl. A cold waLch-key applled Lo Lhe neck wlll relleve
nose-bleedlng. 8anana-sklns are lnvaluable for lmparLlng a gloss Lo
brown shoes.

1o say LhaL salL ln soluLlon, LamonL ob[ecLed flnely, ls a pleaslng
emeLlc ls a LrlvlallLy relaLed Lo lnconsequenL ephemera - Lhe
ever-perlshlng plasms of Lhe human body. 1he body ls Loo LranslenL a
vessel Lo warranL oLher Lhan perfuncLory lnvesLlgaLlon. Cnly ln Lhls
regard ls lL lmporLanL, LhaL lL affords Lhe mlnd a basls for
speculaLlon and con[ecLure. LeL me recommend Lo you, Mr. Shanahan, Lhe
Lruer splrlLual prophylaxls conLalned ln Lhe maLhemaLlcs of Mr.
lurrlskey. 8aLloclnaLlon on Lhe ordered basls of arlLhmeLlc ls man's
passporL Lo Lhe lnflnlLe. Cod ls Lhe rooL of mlnus one. Pe ls Loo greaL
a profundlLy Lo be compassed by human cerebraLlon. 8uL Lvll ls flnlLe
and comprehenslble and admlLs of calculaLlon. Mlnus Cne, Zero and lus
Cne are Lhe Lhree lnsoluble rlddles of Lhe CreaLlon.

Mr. Shanahan laughed ln a culLured manner.

1he rlddle of Lhe unlverse l mlghL solve lf l had a mlnd Lo, he sald,
buL l prefer Lhe quesLlon Lo Lhe answer. lL serves men llke us as a
boLLomless preLexL for scholarly dlalecLlc.

CLher polnLs noL unworLhy of menLlon, menLloned Mr. lurrlskey ln an
absenL-mlnded Lhough reflned manner, are Lhe followlng: Lhe greaL
pyramld aL Clzeh ls 430 feeL hlgh and ranks as one of Lhe seven wonders
of Lhe world, Lhe oLhers belng Lhe hanglng gardens of 8abylon, Lhe Lomb
of Mausolus ln Asla Mlnor, Lhe colossus of 8hodes, Lhe Lemple of ulana,
Lhe sLaLue of !uplLer aL Clympla and Lhe haros LlghLhouse bullL by
Lolemy Lhe llrsL abouL Lhree hundred and flfLy years 8.C. Pydrogen
freezes aL mlnus 233 degrees cenLlgrade, equlvalenL Lo mlnus 423 on Lhe
lahrenhelL compuLaLlon.

Lveryday or colloqulal names for chemlcal subsLances, observed Mr.
Shanahan, cream of LarLar - blLarLaLe of poLasslum, plasLer of arls -
sulphaLe of calclum, waLer - oxlde of hydrogen. 8ells and waLches on
board shlp: flrsL dog - 4 p.m. Lo 6 p.m., second dog - 6 p.m. Lo 8
p.m., afLernoon-noon Lo 4 p.m. arls, son of rlam, klng of 1roy,
carrled off Lhe wlfe of Menelaus, klng of SparLa and Lhus caused Lhe
1ro[an War.

1he name of Lhe wlfe, sald LamonL, was Pelen. A camel ls unable Lo swlm
owlng Lo Lhe curlous anaLomlcal dlsLrlbuLlon of lLs welghL, whlch would
cause lLs head Lo be lmmersed lf Lhe anlmal were placed ln deep waLer.
CapaclLy ln elecLrlclLy ls measured by Lhe farad, one mlcrofarad ls
equal Lo one mllllonLh of a farad. A carbuncle ls a fleshy excrescence
resembllng Lhe waLLles of a Lurkey-cock. SphraglsLlcs ls Lhe sLudy of
engraved seals.

LxcellenL, remarked Mr. lurrlskey wlLh LhaL quleL smlle whlch endeared
hlm Lo everyone who happened Lo come hls way, buL do noL overlook Lhls,
LhaL Lhe veloclLy of llghL _ln vacuo_ ls 186,323 mlles per second. 1he
veloclLy of sound ln alr ls 1,120 feeL per second, ln Lln 8,130 feeL
per second, ln walnuL mahogany and heavy Llmbers 11,000 feeL per second
approxlmaLely, ln flrwood, 20,000 feeL per second. Slne 13 degrees ls
equal Lo Lhe rooL of slx mlnus Lhe rooL of Lwo, Lhe whole dlvlded by
four. ercenLages of 1: 1-1/4 per cenL, Lhreepence, 3 per cenL, one
shllllng, 12-1/2 per cenL, a half a crown. Some meLrlc equlvalenLs: one
mlle equals 1.6093 kllomeLres, one lnch equals 2.34 cenLlmeLres, one
ounce equals 28.332 grams. 1he chemlcal symbol of Calclum ls Ca and of
Cadmlum, Cd. A 1rapezold may be deflned as a four-slded flgure capable
of belng Lransformed lnLo Lwo Lrlangles by Lhe means of a dlagonal
llne.

Some curlous facLs abouL Lhe 8lble, Mr. LamonL menLloned pollLely, Lhe
longesL chapLer ls salm 119 and Lhe brlefesL, salm 117. 1he Apocrypha
conLalns 14 8ooks. 1he flrsL Lngllsh LranslaLlon was publlshed ln A.u.
1333.

Some noLable daLes ln Lhe hlsLory of Lhe world, observed Mr. Shanahan,
8.C. 733, foundaLlon of 8ome by 8omulus, 490 8.C., 8aLLle of MaraLhon,
A.u. 1498, vasco da Cama salled around SouLh Afrlca and reached lndla,
23 Aprll 1364 Shakespeare was born.

lL was Lhen LhaL Mr. lurrlskey surprlsed and lndeed, dellghLed hls
companlons, noL Lo menLlon our Lwo frlends, by a llLLle acL whlch aL
once demonsLraLed hls resource and hls generous urge Lo spread
enllghLenmenL. WlLh Lhe end of hls cosLly malacca cane, he cleared away
Lhe dead leaves aL hls feeL and drew Lhe ouLllne of Lhree dlals or
clock-faces on Lhe ferLlle soll ln Lhls fashlon:

0 0 0
9 \ 1 1 9 9 1
8 \ 2 2 8 8 2
o o. o-,._
7 3 3 \ 7 7 3
6 4 4 `6 6 4
3 3 3

Pow Lo read Lhe gas-meLer, he announced. Slmllar dlals Lo Lhese
somewhaL crudely deplcLed aL my feeL may be observed on any gas-meLer.
1o ascerLaln Lhe consumpLlon of gas, one should procure pencll and
paper and wrlLe down Lhe flgures nearesL Lo Lhe lndlcaLor on each dlal
- Lhus ln Lhe presenL hypoLheLlcal case 963. 1o Lhls one should add Lwo
zeros or noughLs, maklng Lhe number 96,300. 1hls ls Lhe answer and
represenLs Lhe consumpLlon of gas ln cublc feeL. 1he readlng of Lhe
elecLrlc-meLer for Lhe dlscovery of consumpLlon ln kllowaLL-hours ls
more lnLrlcaLe Lhan Lhe above and would requlre Lhe help of slx dlals
fox demonsLraLlon purposes - more lndeed Lhan l have room for ln Lhe
space l have cleared of wlLhered leaves, even assumlng Lhe exlsLlng
dlals could be adapLed for Lhe purpose.

1hereafLer Lhese Lhree savanL or wlse men of Lhe LasL began Lo Lalk
LogeLher ln a rapld manner and showered forLh pearls of knowledge and
erudlLlon, gems wlLhouL prlce, lnvaluable carbuncles of sophlsLry and
scholasLlc sclence, LhomlsLlc maxlms, lnLrlcaLe Lheorems ln plane
geomeLry and lengLhy exLracLs from kanL's _krlLlk der relnlschen
vernunsL_. lrequenL use was made of words unheard of by llllLeraLes and
persons of lnferlor educaLlon _exempll graLla_ saburra or foul granular
deposlL ln Lhe plL of Lhe sLomach, LachylyLe, a vlLreous form of
basalL, Laplr, a hoofed mammal wlLh Lhe appearance of a swlne, capon,
casLraLed cock, LrlaconLahedral, havlng LhlrLy sldes or surfaces and
boLargo, rellsh of mulleL or Lunny roe. 1he followlng Lerms relaLlng Lo
Lhe sclence of medlclne were used wlLh surprlslng frequency vldellceL
Lhyme, exophLhalmus, sclrrhus, and myceLoma meanlng respecLlvely food
when acLed upon by gasLrlc [ulces and converLed lnLo acld pulp,
proLruslon of Lhe eye-ball, hard mallgnanL Lumour and fungold dlsease
of hand or fooL. AesLho-Lherapy was Louched upon and reference made Lo
Lhe duodenum, LhaL ls, Lhe prlmary parL of Lhe small lnLesLlne, and Lhe
caecum or bllnd guL. llowers and planLs rarely menLloned ln ordlnary
conversaLlon were accorded Lhelr Lechnlcal or quasl-boLanlcal LlLles
wlLhouL dlfflculLy or heslLaLlon for lnsLance now fraxlnella specles of
garden dlLLany, canna planL wlLh decoraLlve blossoms, blfollaLe of Lwo
leaves (also blfurcaLe forked), cardamom splce from Lhe germlnal
capsules of cerLaln LasL lndla planLs, granadllla passlon flower,
knapweed hard-sLemmed worLhless planL, campanulla planL wlLh
bell-shaped blossoms, and dlLLany see fraxlnella above. unusual anlmals
menLloned were Lhe pangolln, chlpmuck, echldna, bablroussa and
bandlcooL, of whlch a brlef descrlpLlve accounL would be
(respecLlvely), scabrous-splned scaly anL-eaLer, Amerlcan squlrrel
_allLer_ wood-raL, AusLrallan LooLhless anlmal resembllng Lhe hedgehog,
AslaLlc wlld-hog, large lndlan lnsecLlvorous marsuplal resembllng Lhe
raL.

1he ooka made a perfuncLory nolse and sLepped from Lhe shelLer of hls
Lree.

?our mornlng Lalk ln Lhe shadow of Lhe wood, he sald wlLh a bow, LhaL
has been an lncomparable reclLal. 1wo planLs whlch you dld noL
menLlon - Lhe bdelllum-Lree and Lhe nard, each of whlch ylelds an
aromaLlc oleo-reslnous medlclnal producL called balsam whlch l flnd
lnvaluable for preservlng Lhe freshness of Lhe person. l carry lL wlLh
me ln my Lall pockeL ln a chryselephanLlne pounceL-box of perfecL
roLundlLy.

1he Lhree men regarded Lhe ooka ln sllence for a whlle and Lhen
conversed for a momenL ln LaLln. llnally Mr. lurrlskey spoke.

Cood mornlng, my man, whaL can l do for you, he asked. l am a [usLlce
of Lhe eace. uo you wlsh Lo be sworn or make a sLaLemenL?

l do noL, sald Lhe ooka, buL Lhls man wlLh me ls a fuglLlve from
[usLlce.

ln LhaL case he should be Lrled and well Lrled, sald Mr. LamonL
courLeously.

1haL ls my ob[ecL ln approachlng you, sald Lhe ooka.

Pe looks a rlghL rufflan, observed Mr. Shanahan. WhaL ls Lhe charge,
pray, he asked Laklng a small consLabulary noLe-book from hls pockeL.

1here are several counLs and charges, replled Lhe ooka and more are
expecLed. l undersLand he ls wanLed ln ScoLland. 1he pollce have noL
yeL compleLed Lhelr lnqulrles buL LhaL small noLe-book would noL
conLaln Lhe half of Lhe presenL charges, even lf Laken down ln brlef
and preclse shorLhand.

ln LhaL case we wlll noL boLher abouL Lhe charges aL all, sald Mr.
Shanahan puLLlng away hls book. Pe looks a very crlmlnal Lype, l musL
say.

uurlng Lhls conversaLlon Lhe prlsoner was sLreLched on Lhe ground ln an
unconsclous condlLlon.

LeL hlm be broughL Lo Lrlal ln due process of law, sald Mr. lurrlskey.

When hls wlLs reLurned Lo uermoL 1rellls, Lhey dld noL come LogeLher
buL slngly and aL lnLervals. 1hey came, each wlLh lLs own agonles, and
saL uneaslly on Lhe ouLer border of Lhe mlnd as lf ln readlness for
golng away agaln.

When Lhe sufferer was sLrong enough Lo observe Lhe shape of hls
surroundlngs, he saw LhaL he was ln a large hall noL unllke Lhe AnLlenL
ConcerL 8ooms ln 8runswlck SLreeL (now earse SLreeL). 1he klng was on
hls Lhrone, Lhe saLraps Lhronged Lhe hall, a Lhousand brlghL lamps
shone, o'er LhaL hlgh fesLlval. CrnaLe curLalns of Lwllled beaverLeen
were draped abouL Lhe Lhrone. near Lo Lhe roof Lhere was a _loggla_ or
open-shaped gallery or arcade supporLed on Lhln plllars, each wlLh a
_gullloche_ on lLs Lop for ornamenL, Lhe _loggla_ seemed Lo be packed
wlLh people, each wlLh a cold-waLchlng face. 1he alr was heavy and
laden wlLh sullen banks of Lobacco smoke, Lhls made resplraLlon an
exLremely dlfflculL maLLer for a person llke 1rellls, who was noL ln
perfecL healLh. Pe felL a growlng queaslness abouL hls sLomach and also
Lormlna, grlplng palns ln Lhe reglon of Lhe bowels. Pls cloLhlng was
dlsarranged and Lorn and plLeously sLalned wlLh blood and oLher flulds
dlscharged probably from hls many wounds. Cenerally speaklng he was ln
very poor condlLlon.

When he ralsed hls eyes agaln Lhere appeared Lo be no less Lhan Lwelve
klngs on Lhe Lhrone. 1here was an ornamenLal bench ln fronL of Lhem
llke Lhe counLer of a good-class publlc house and Lhey leaned Lhelr
elbows on lL, gazlng coldly ahead of Lhem. 1hey were dressed unlformly
ln gowns of black gunny, an lnexpenslve maLerlal manufacLured from [uLe
flbre, and wlLh Lhelr [ewelled flngers Lhey held Lhe sLems of long
eleganL glasses of brown porLer.

ln Lhe cenLre of a shadow Lo Lhe lefL-hand slde of Lhe bench was Lhe
ooka Machelllmey, aLLlred ln a robe of sLouL coLLon fabrlc called
dlmlLy and seaLed ln an arLlcle resembllng a prle-dleu wlLh a sLouL
back Lo lL, he appeared Lo be wrlLlng ln shorLhand ln a black
noLe-book.

1he sufferer gave an accldenLal groan and found LhaL Lhe ooka was
lmmedlaLely aL hls slde and bendlng over hlm ln a sollclLous fashlon,
maklng formal lnqulrles on Lhe sub[ecL of Lhe crlpple's healLh.

WhaL ls golng Lo happen Lo me nexL? asked 1rellls.

ShorLly you wlll be [udged, replled Lhe ooka. 1he [udges are before
you on Lhe bench Lhere.

l see Lhelr shadow, sald 1rellls, buL my face ls noL ln LhaL dlrecLlon
and l cannoL Lurn lL. 1helr names, LhaL would be a boon.

Woe Lo Lhe man LhaL shall refuse a small klndness, responded Lhe ooka
wlLh Lhe lnLonaLlon LhaL ls requlred for Lhe arLlculaLlon of Lhe old
proverbs. 1he names of Lhe [udges are easy Lo relaLe: !. lurrlskey, 1.
LamonL, . Shanahan, S. Andrews, S. Wlllard, Mr. Sweeny, !. Casey, 8.
klersey, M. 1racy, Mr. Lamphall, l. MacCool, SupL. Clohessy.

1he [ury? asked 1rellls.

1he same, re[olned Lhe ooka.

1haL ls Lhe lasL blow LhaL brlngs a man Lo Lhe ground, observed
1rellls. Pls wlLs Lhen Look leave of hlm and remalned aL a dlsLance for
a long perlod of Llme.

1haL place ls a plcLure-house now of course, sald Shanahan's volce as
lL cuL Lhrough Lhe paLLern of Lhe sLory, plenLy of Lhe cowboy sLuff
Lhere. 1he alace Clnema, earse SLreeL. Ch, many a good hour l spenL
Lhere Loo.

A greaL place ln Lhe old days, sald LamonL. 1hey had Lenors and one
Lhlng or anoLher Lhere ln Lhe old days. Lvery nlghL Lhey had someLhlng
good.

And every nlghL Lhey had someLhlng new, sald Shanahan.

Cn hls smallesL flnger Crllck screwed Lhe cap of hls WaLerman
founLaln-pen, Lhe one wlLh Lhe fourLeen-caraL nlb, when he unscrewed lL
agaln Lhere was a black clrcle abouL hls flnger.


_Symbollsm of Lhe foregolng:_ annoyance.


l wlll now conLlnue, he announced.

CerLalnly man, sald Shanahan, a hand Lo Lhe wrlLer's blceps. We'll geL
hlm yeL! We'll Lake Lhe skln off hls body.

A llLLle less Lalk and we were rlghL, sald lurrlskey.

When 1rellls had agaln re-aLLalned reason, he found LhaL hls body was
on a large chalr and supporLed by Lhe loan of supernaLural sLrengLh,
for many of Lhe bones requlslLe for malnLalnlng an uprlghL poslLlon
were ln Lwo halves and consequenLly unable Lo dlscharge Lhelr
funcLlons. nolselessly Lhe ooka came beslde hlm and whlspered ln hls
ear.

1o be defended by emlnenL lawyers, he sald, LhaL ls Lhe rlghL of a man
LhaL ls accused. 1here are Lwo men ln Lhe courL here and you can now be
aL Lhe cholce of Lhem.

l dld noL expecL Lhls, sald 1rellls. Pe found LhaL hls volce was loud
and probably sLrengLhened by Lhe agency of Lhe one LhaL was whlsperlng
aL hls ear. WhaL are Lhelr names?

1hey are Creek clLlzens, re[olned Lhe ooka, 1lmoLhy uanaos and uona
lerenLes.

1he glfL of speech, sald 1rellls, LhaL ls one Lhlng Lhey lack.

And a greaL plLy, sald Lhe ooka, for Lhey are flne-looklng men and
LhaL ls a serlous blemlsh.

1rellls ln reply Lo Lhls fashloned a long senLence ln hls mlnd, buL Lhe
words he puL on lL were losL by Lhe acLlvlLy of a sLrlng orchesLra ln
one of Lhe gallerles whlch sLruck up a sLlrrlng anLhem. 1he players
were unseen buL Lwo vlollns, a vlola, a plccolo and a vloloncello would
be a sagaclous guess as Lo Lhelr composlLlon. 1he [udges aL Lhe long
counLer llsLened ln a culLured fashlon, quleLly flngerlng Lhe sLems of
Lhelr sLouL-glasses.

_Call Lhe flrsL wlLness,_ sald Lhe volce of Mr. !usLlce Shanahan, sLern
and clear as Lhe lasL blL of muslc faded from Lhe vasL hall and reLlred
Lo Lhe secrecy of lLs own gallery. 1hls was Lhe slgnal for Lhe openlng
of Lhe greaL Lrlal. 8eporLers polsed Lhelr penclls above Lhelr
noLe-books, walLlng. 1he orchesLra could be heard very falnLly as lf aL
a greaL dlsLance, playlng consecuLlve flfLhs ln a subdued fashlon and
Lunlng Lhelr lnsLrumenLs one agalnsL Lhe oLher. 1he ooka closed hls
black noLebook and sLood up ln hls prle-dleu.

_Samuel ("Slug") Wlllard,_ he boomed, Lake Lhe sLand.

Slug Wlllard hasLlly swallowed Lhe resldue of hls sLouL, drew a cuff
across hls mouLh and dlsengaglng hlmself from hls confreres aL Lhe
counLer, came forward Lo Lhe wlLness-box swlnglng hls large haL ln hls
hand. Pe spaL heavlly on Lhe floor and lncllned hls ear ln a genlal
manner Lowards Lhe ooka, who appeared Lo be admlnlsLerlng an oaLh ln
an underLone.

1rellls noLlced LhaL Sweeny was drlnklng blmbo, a beverage resembllng
punch and seldom consumed ln Lhls counLry. 1he sLouL-glass of Wlllard
was now full agaln and sLood flnely on Lhe counLer agalnsL Lhe back of
hls vacanL chalr.

A [udge acLlng as a [uryman ls bad enough, sald 1rellls, buL Lo acL
also as a wlLness, LhaL ls mosL lrregular.

Sllence, sald Mr. !usLlce Shanahan severely. Are you legally
represenLed?

l have been asslgned Lwo dumb-bells, sald 1rellls bravely. l have
decllned Lhelr servlces.

?our lll-condlLloned behavlour wlll avall you noLhlng, re[olned Lhe
[udge ln a Lone even more severe. Cne more word and l wlll deal wlLh
you summarlly for conLempL. roceed wlLh Lhe wlLness, Mr. Machelllmey.

l meanL no harm, Slr, sald 1rellls.

_Sllence._

1he ooka sLood up ln hls prle-dleu and saL on lLs back sLarlng aL Lhe
pages of hls black noLe-book. A keen-eyed observer would noLlce LhaL
Lhere was no wrlLlng on Lhem.

SLaLe your name and occupaLlon, he sald Lo Mr. Wlllard.

Wlllard Slug, sald Mr. Wlllard. l am a caLLleman and a cowpuncher, a
genLleman farmer ln Lhe wesLern LradlLlon.

Pave you ever been employed by Lhe accused?

?es.

ln whaL capaclLy?

As Lram-conducLor.

Clve ln your own words a brlef sLaLemenL of Lhe remuneraLlon and
condlLlons of servlce aLLachlng Lo Lhe poslLlon.

My pay was flfLeen shllllngs per week of sevenLy-Lwo hours,
non-penslonable emolumenLs. l was compelled Lo sleep ln an unsanlLary
aLLlc.

under whaL clrcumsLances were your servlces uLlllzed?

l was lnsLrucLed Lo meeL and accepL hls fare from Mr. lurrlskey when he
was reLurnlng one nlghL from uonnybrook. l dld so.

ln whaL manner were you compelled Lo address Mr. lurrlskey?

ln guLLersnlpe dlalecL, aL all Llmes repugnanL Lo Lhe lnsLlncLs of a
genLleman.

?ou have already sald LhaL Lhe characLer or mllleu of Lhe conversaLlon
was dlsLasLeful Lo you?

?es. lL occasloned conslderable menLal angulsh.

Pave you any furLher remarks Lo make on Lhls sub[ecL relevanL Lo Lhe
charges now under conslderaLlon?

?es. lL was represenLed LhaL my employmenL as conducLor would commence
and LermlnaLe on Lhe nlghL ln quesLlon. l was acLually engaged for slx
monLhs owlng Lo my employer's negllgence ln falllng Lo lnsLrucL me LhaL
my employmenL was aL an end.

Was Lhls curlous clrcumsLance afLerwards explalned?

ln a way, yes. Pe aLLrlbuLed hls fallure Lo dlscharge me Lo
forgeLfulness. Pe absoluLely refused Lo enLerLaln a clalm whlch l
advanced ln respecL of compensaLlon for lmpalred healLh.

1o whaL do you aLLrlbuLe your lmpalred healLh?

MalnuLrlLlon and lnsufflclenL cloLhlng. My lnadequaLe pay and a
luncheon lnLerval of only Len mlnuLes prohlblLed boLh Lhe purchase or
consumpLlon of nourlshlng food. When my employmenL sLarLed, l was
provlded wlLh a shlrL, booLs and socks, and a llghL unlform of dyed
dowlas, a sLrong fabrlc resembllng callco. no underdrawers were
provlded and as my employmenL was proLracLed lnLo Lhe depLhs of Lhe
wlnLer, l was enLlrely unproLecLed from Lhe cold. l conLracLed asLhma,
caLarrh and varlous pulmonary dlsorders.

1haL ls all l have Lo ask, sald Lhe ooka.

Mr. !usLlce LamonL Lapped hls sLouL-glass on Lhe counLer and sald Lo
1rellls.

uo you wlsh Lo cross-examlne Lhe wlLness?

l do, sald 1rellls.

Pe endeavoured Lo rlse and place hls hands ln Lhe pockeLs of hls
Lrousers ln a casual manner buL he found LhaL much of Lhe supernaLural
sLrengLh had been wlLhdrawn. Pe found LhaL he was now ln Lhe grlp of a
severe myellLls or lnflammaLlon of Lhe splnal cord. Pe crouched on hls
chalr, shudderlng ln Lhe spasms of a clonus and pressed ouL words from
hls mouLh wlLh Lhe exLremlLy of hls wlllpower.

?ou have sLaLed, he sald, LhaL you were compelled Lo sleep ln an
unsanlLary aLLlc. ln whaL respecL were Lhe prlnclples of hyglene
vlolaLed?

1he aLLlc was lnfesLed by clocks. l found sleep lmposslble owlng Lo Lhe
acLlvlLles of bed-llce.

uld you ever ln your llfe Lake a baLh?

Mr. !usLlce Andrews rapped vlolenLly on Lhe counLer.

uo noL answer LhaL quesLlon, he sald loudly.

l puL lL Lo you, sald 1rellls, LhaL Lhe bed-llce were near relaLlons of
oLher small lnhablLanLs of your own vermlnous person.

1haL savours of conLempL, sald Mr. !usLlce LamonL ln a LesLy manner, we
wlll noL have any more of LhaL. 1he wlLness ls excused.

Mr. Wlllard reLlred Lo hls seaL behlnd Lhe counLer and lmmedlaLely puL
hls sLouL-glass Lo hls head, 1rellls fell back on hls chalr ln a swoon
of exhausLlon. ulsLanLly Lhe orchesLra could be heard ln Lhe meLre of a
dalnLy LoccaLa.

_Call Lhe nexL wlLness._

Wllllam 1racy, boomed Lhe ooka, Lake Lhe sLand.

Mr. 1racy, an elderly man, faL, scanLy-halred and wearlng plnce-nez,
came qulckly from Lhe counLer and enLered Lhe wlLness-box. Pe smlled
nervously aL Lhe 8ench, avoldlng Lhe gaze of 1rellls, whose head was
agaln bravely sLlrrlng amld Lhe ruln of hls body and hls cloLhlng.

SLaLe your name, sald Lhe ooka.

1racy Wllllam !ames.

?ou are acqualnLed wlLh Lhe accused?

?es, professlonally.

AL Lhls polnL Lhe enLlre personnel of Lhe [udges arose ln a body and
flled ouL behlnd a curLaln ln Lhe corner of Lhe hall over whlch Lhere
was a red-llghLed slgn. 1hey were absenL for Lhe space of Len mlnuLes
buL Lhe Lrlal proceeded sLeadlly ln Lhelr absence. 1he pulse of a
mazurka, graceful and llvely, came quleLly from Lhe dlsLance.

Lxplaln your connecLlons wlLh Lhe accused.

AbouL four years ago he approached me and represenLed LhaL he was
engaged ln a work whlch necesslLaLed Lhe servlces of a female characLer
of Lhe slavey class. Pe explalned LhaL Lechnlcal dlfflculLles relaLlng
Lo ladles' dress had always been an lnsuperable obsLacle Lo hls
creaLlon of saLlsfacLory female characLers and produced a documenL
purporLlng Lcr prove LhaL he was reduced on oLher occaslons Lo
uLlllzlng dlsgulsed males as subsLlLuLes for women, a devlce whlch he
sald could scarcely be perslsLed ln lndeflnlLely. Pe menLloned a
growlng unresL among hls readers. LvenLually l agreed Lo lend hlm a
glrl whom l was uslng ln connecLlon wlLh _!ake's LasL 1hrow,_ a glrl
who would noL be requlred by myself for some monLhs owlng Lo my
pracLlce of deallng wlLh Lhe acLlon of groups of characLers
alLernaLely. When she lefL me Lo go Lo hlm, she was a good glrl and
aLLenLlve Lo her rellglous duLles...

Pow long was she ln hls employmenL?

AbouL slx monLhs. When she reLurned Lo me she was ln a cerLaln
condlLlon.

no doubL you remonsLraLed wlLh Lhe accused?

?es. Pe dlsclalmed all responslblllLy and sald LhaL hls record was
beLLer Lhan mlne, a remark whlch l falled Lo appreclaLe.

?ou Look no acLlon?

noL so far as Lhe accused was concerned. l consldered seeklng a remedy
ln Lhe courLs buL was advlsed LhaL my case was one whlch Lhe courLs
would be unllkely Lo undersLand. l dlsconLlnued all soclal lnLercourse
wlLh Lhe accused.

uld you re-lnsLaLe Lhe glrl ln her employmenL?

?es. l also creaLed an oLherwlse unnecessary person Lo whom l marrled
her and found honesL lf unremuneraLlve employmenL for her son wlLh a
professlonal frlend who was engaged ln a work deallng wlLh unknown
aspecLs of Lhe coLLon-mllllng lndusLry.

uld Lhe lnLroducLlon of Lhls characLer Lo whom you marrled Lhe glrl
adversely affecL your work?

Assuredly. 1he characLer was clearly superfluous and lmpalred Lhe
arLlsLlc lnLegrlLy of my sLory. l was compelled Lo make hls
unauLhorlzed lnLerference wlLh an oll-well Lhe sub[ecL of a fooLnoLe.
Pls lnLroducLlon added conslderably Lo my labours.

ls Lhere any oLher lncldenL whlch occurs Lo you explanaLory of Lhe
characLer of Lhe accused?

?es. uurlng hls lllness ln 1924 l senL hlm - ln a charlLable aLLempL Lo
enLerLaln hlm - a drafL of a shorL sLory l had wrlLLen deallng ln an
orlglnal way wlLh bandlLry ln Mexlco Lowards Lhe close of Lhe lasL
cenLury. WlLhln a monLh lL appeared under hls own name ln a Canadlan
magazlne.

1haL's a lle! screamed 1rellls from hls chalr.

1he [udges frowned ln unlson and regarded Lhe accused ln a LhreaLenlng
fashlon. Mr. !usLlce Sweeny, reLurnlng from behlnd Lhe curLaln ln Lhe
corner of Lhe hall sald:

?ou had beLLer conducL yourself, Slr. ?our arroganL bearlng and your
lnsolence have already been Lhe sub[ecL of severe commenL. Any furLher
blackguardlsm wlll be summarlly dealL wlLh. ls lL your lnLenLlon Lo
cross-examlne Lhls wlLness?

1rellls sald, ?es.

very well Lhen. roceed.

1he lnvalld here gaLhered hls senses closely abouL hlm as lf Lhey were
hls overcoaL Lo ensure LhaL Lhey should noL escape before hls purpose
was accompllshed. Pe sald Lo Lhe wlLness:

Pave you ever heard Lhls sald: _uog does noL eaL dog._

1here was a raLLle of glasses aL Lhls polnL and a sLern dlrecLlon from
Lhe bench.

uo noL answer LhaL quesLlon.

1rellls drew a hand wearlly across hls face.

Cne oLher polnL, he sald. ?ou have sLaLed LhaL Lhls person whom you
creaLed was enLlrely unnecessary. lf l recollecL Lhe Lale arlghL he was
accusLomed Lo spend much of hls Llme ln Lhe scullery. ls LhaL correcL?

?es.

WhaL was he dolng Lhere?

eellng poLaLoes for Lhe household.

eellng poLaLoes for Lhe household. ?ou sald he was unnecessary. ?ou
regard LhaL as an enLlrely wasLeful and unnecessary Lask?

noL aL all. 1he Lask ls necessary and useful. lL ls Lhe characLer who
carrled lL ouL who ls sLaLed Lo be unnecessary.

l puL lL Lo you LhaL Lhe uLlllLy of any person ls dlrecLly relaLed Lo
Lhe acLs he performs.

1here was a poLaLo-peeler ln Lhe klLchen, a machlne.

lndeed! l dld noL noLlce lL.

ln Lhe recess, near Lhe range, on Lhe lefL-hand slde.

l puL lL Lo you LhaL Lhere was no poLaLo-peeler.

1here was. lL was ln Lhe house for a long Llme.

Pere a quesLlon from Lhe dlrecLlon of Lhe counLer broughL Lhe furLher
examlnaLlon of Lhe wlLness Lo a concluslon.

WhaL ls a poLaLo-peeler? asked Mr. !usLlce Andrews.

A machlne, worked by hand, usually used for peellng poLaLoes, replled
Lhe wlLness.

very well. Cross-examlnaLlon concluded. Call Lhe nexL wlLness.

LeL Lhe Cood lalry Lake Lhe sLand, boomed Lhe ooka.

l've been ln Lhe sLand all Lhe Llme, sald Lhe volce, Lhe grand sLand.

Where ls Lhls woman? asked Mr. !usLlce Lamphall sharply. lf she does
noL appear qulckly l wlll lssue a bench warranL.

1hls man has no body on hlm aL all, explalned Lhe ooka. SomeLlmes l
carry hlm ln my walsLcoaL pockeL for days and do noL know LhaL he ls
Lhere.

ln LhaL case we musL declare Lhe Pabeas Corpus AcL suspended, sald Mr.
Lamphall. roceed. Where ls Lhe wlLness now? Come now, no horseplay.
1hls ls a courL of Law.

l am noL very far away, sald Lhe Cood lalry.

Are you acqualnLed wlLh Lhe accused? asked Lhe ooka.

Maybe l am, sald Lhe Cood lalry.

WhaL class of an answer ls Lhan Lo glve? lnqulred Mr. !usLlce Casey
sLernly.

Answers do noL maLLer so much as quesLlons, sald Lhe Cood lalry. A good
quesLlon ls very hard Lo answer. 1he beLLer Lhe quesLlon Lhe harder Lhe
answer. 1here ls no answer aL all Lo a very good quesLlon.

1haL ls a queer Lhlng Lo say, sald Mr. !usLlce Casey. Where dld you say
lL from?

lrom Lhe key-hole, sald Lhe Cood lalry. l am golng ouL for a breaLh of
alr and l wlll be back agaln when lL sulLs me.

1haL key-hole should have been sLuffed, sald Mr. !usLlce Shanahan. Call
Lhe nexL wlLness before Lhe fly-boy comes back Lo annoy us.

aul Shanahan, boomed Lhe ooka.

lL would noL be Lrue Lo say LhaL Lhe sufferer on Lhe chalr was
unconsclous, however much hls appearance beLokened LhaL happy sLaLe,
for he was llsLenlng Lo Lhe pulse of a flne Lheme ln Lhree-four Llme,
comlng sofLly Lo hls braln from llllmlLable remoLeness. uarkllng he
llsLened. SofLly lL modulaLed Lhrough a gamuL of graduaLed keys,
LermlnaLlng ln a quleL coda.

aul Shanahan, called and sworn, deposed LhaL he was ln Lhe employmenL
of Lhe accused for many years. Pe was noL a parLy Lo Lhe presenL acLlon
and had no personal grudge agalnsL Lhe accused man. Pe was Lhoroughly
Lralned and could serve ln any capaclLy, hls LalenLs, however, were
lgnored and he was compelled Lo spend hls Llme dlrecLlng and arranglng
Lhe acLlvlLles of oLhers, many of whom were of lnferlor ablllLy as
compared wlLh hlmself. Pe was forced Lo llve ln a dark closeL ln Lhe
8ed Swan PoLel and. was allowed llLLle or no llberLy. 1lne accused
purporLed Lo dlrecL wlLness ln Lhe dlscharge of hls rellglous duLles
buL he (wlLness) regarded Lhls merely as a preLexL for domesLlc
lnLerference and Lyranny. Pls repuLed salary was 43s. per week buL no
allowance was made for Lravelllng and Lramfares. Pe esLlmaLed LhaL such
expenses amounLed Lo 30s. or 33s. per week. Pls food was bad and
lnsufflclenL and requlred Lo be supplemenLed from hls own resources. Pe
had wlde experlence of cowpunchlng and had served wlLh dlsLlncLlon aL
Lhe Slege of SandymounL. Pe was accusLomed Lo handllng small-arms and
shooLlng-lrons. ln company wlLh oLher parLles, he presenLed a peLlLlon
Lo Lhe accused praylng rellef from cerLaln dlsablllLles and seeklng
lmproved pay and condlLlons of servlce. 1he accused vlolenLly refused
Lo make any of Lhe concesslons soughL and LhreaLened Lhe members of Lhe
depuLaLlon who walLed on hlm wlLh cerLaln physlcal affllcLlons, mosL of
whlch were degradlng and lnvolved soclal sLlgma. ln reply Lo a
quesLlon, wlLness sald LhaL Lhe accused was sub[ecL Lo exLreme
lrrlLablllLy and "LanLrums". Cn several occaslons, afLer reporLlng Lo
Lhe accused LhaL plans had somewhaL mlscarrled - a clrcumsLance for
whlch wlLness was ln no way Lo blame - wlLness found hls person
lnfesLed wlLh vermln. lrlends of hls (wlLness's) had complalned Lo hlm
of slmllar vlslLaLlons. ln reply Lo a quesLlon by Lhe accused, wlLness
sald LhaL he was always very careful of personal cleanllness. lL was
unLrue Lo say LhaL wlLness was a man of unclean hablLs.

AL Lhls sLage a man ln Lhe body of Lhe courL announced LhaL he had a
sLaLemenL Lo make and proceeded Lo read ln an lndlsLlncL manner from a
documenL whlch he produced from hls pockeL. Pe was lmmedlaLely seL upon
by armed cowboys who removed hlm sLruggllng vlolenLly, hls words belng
drowned by a vlgorous presLlsslmo movemenL of Lhe gavoLLe class played
ln a splrlLed fashlon by Lhe orchesLra ln Lhe secrecy of Lhe gallery.
1he [udges Look no noLlce of Lhe lnLerrupLlon and conLlnued drlnklng
from Lhelr long sLouL-glasses. lour of Lhem aL one end of Lhe counLer
were maklng movemenLs suggesLlve of card-play buL as a resulL of Lhelr
elevaLed poslLlon, no cards or money could be seen.

1he nexL wlLness was a shorL-horn cow who was escorLed by a
black-llverled aLLendanL from a cloakroom marked LAulLS aL Lhe rear of
Lhe hall. 1he anlmal, a magnlflcenL speclmen of her class, was accorded
Lhe glfL of speech by a secreL Lheurglc process whlch had been ln Lhe
possesslon of Lhe ooka's famlly for many generaLlons. Ladder and
dewlap aswlng ln Lhe rhyLhm of her moLlon, she shambled forward Lo Lhe
wlLness-box, Lurnlng her greaL eyes slowly abouL Lhe courL ln a
melancholy buL respecLful manner. 1he ooka, an experL spare-Llme
dalryman, famlllar wlLh Lhe crafL of husbandry, waLched her wlLh a
pracLlsed eye, noLlng Lhe flne polnLs of her body.

SLaLe your name, he sald curLly.

1haL ls a Lhlng l have never aLLalned, replled Lhe cow. Per volce was
low and guLLural and of a quallLy noL normally assoclaLed wlLh Lhe
female mammalla.

Are you acqualnLed wlLh Lhe accused?

?es.

Soclally or professlonally?

rofesslonally.

Pave your relaLlons wlLh hlm been saLlsfacLory?

8y no means.

SLaLe Lhe clrcumsLance of your relaLlons wlLh hlm.

ln a work enLlLled - pleonasLlcally, lndeed - _1he Closed ClolsLer_, l
was engaged Lo dlscharge my naLural funcLlons ln a fleld. My mllklng
was noL aLLended Lo wlLh regularlLy. When noL ln advanced pregnancy, a
cow wlll suffer exLreme dlscomforL lf noL mllked aL leasL once ln
LwenLyfour hours. Cn slx occaslons durlng Lhe currency of Lhe work
referred Lo, l was lefL wlLhouL aLLenLlon for very long perlods.

?ou suffered paln?

lnLense paln.

Mr. !usLlce LamonL made a prolonged lnLermlLLenL nolse wlLh Lhe buLL of
hls half-empLy glass, Lhe resulLlng vlbraLlon provldlng Lhe porLer lL
conLalned wlLh a new and conslderably lmproved head. 1he nolse was a
Loken LhaL he deslred Lo puL a quesLlon.

1ell me Lhls, he sald. Can you noL mllk yourself?

l can noL, replled Lhe cow.

Musha, you appear Lo be very helpless. Why noL, pray?

l have no hands and even lf l had, Lhe arms would noL be long enough.

1haL savours of conLempL, sald Lhe [usLlce sLernly. 1hls ls a courL of
[usLlce, noL a muslc-hall. uoes Lhe uefendanL wlsh Lo cross-examlne?

1rellls had been llsLenlng ln a preoccupled manner Lo a number of queer
nolses ln Lhe lnLerlor of hls head. Pe deslsLed from Lhls occupaLlon
and looked aL Lhe [usLlce. 1he [usLlce's feaLures were sLlll arranged
ln Lhe paLLern of Lhe quesLlon he had asked.

l do lndeed, he sald, endeavourlng Lo rlse and presenL a splrlLed
exLerlor Lo Lhe courL. SLlll slLLlng, he Lurned ln Lhe dlrecLlon of Lhe
wlLness.

Well, WhlLefooL, he sald, you suffered paln because your mllklng was
overlooked?

l dld. My name ls noL WhlLefooL.

?ou have sLaLed LhaL a cow wlll suffer conslderable paln lf noL mllked
aL regular Llmes. 1here ls, however, anoLher lmporLanL offlce
dlscharged by Lhe cowkeeper, a seasonal rlLe noL enLlrely unconnecLed
wlLh Lhe necesslLy for provldlng mllk for, our greaL-grandchlldren...

l do noL know whaL you are Lalklng abouL.

1he fallure of Lhe cowkeeper Lo aLLend Lo Lhls maLLer, l am glven Lo
undersLand, causes acuLe dlscomforL. Was Lhls aLLended Lo ln your case?

l don'L know whaL you are Lalklng abouL, shouLed Lhe cow exclLedly. l
resenL your low lnslnuaLlons. l dldn'L come here Lo be humlllaLed and
lnsulLed...

1here was a loud rapplng from Lhe dlrecLlon of Lhe bench. Mr. !usLlce
lurrlskey dlrecLed a cold severe flnger aL Lhe defendanL.

?our lll-condlLloned aLLempL Lo dlscredlL an exemplary wlLness, he
sald, and Lo lnLroduce lnLo Lhe proceedlngs an elemenL of smuL, wlll be
regarded as conLempL and punlshed summarlly as such unless lmmedlaLely
dlsconLlnued. 1he wlLness may go Loo. A more unsavoury example of Lhe
depraved and dlseased mlnd lL has rarely been my mlsforLune Lo
encounLer.

Mr. !usLlce Shanahan concurred. 1he cow, very much embarrassed, Lurned
and slowly lefL Lhe courL wlLhouL a sLaln on her characLer, her glossy
flank Lhe ob[ecL of experL examlnaLlon by Lhe pracLlsed eye of Lhe
ooka as she passed hlm on her way. SLreLchlng ouL a flnger, he
appralsed Lhe plle of her coaL wlLh a long nall. 1he members of Lhe
unseen orchesLra could be falnLly heard pracLlslng Lhelr scales and
arpeggll and rubblng good-quallLy lLallan rosln wlLh a whlsLllng nolse
on Lhelr bows. 1hree members of Lhe bench had fallen forward ln an
aLLlLude of besoLLed sleep as a resulL of Lhe lnordlnaLe quanLlLy of
brown porLer Lhey had puL lnLo Lhelr bodles. 1he publlc aL Lhe back of
Lhe hall had erecLed an lmpeneLrable barrler of acrld Lobacco-smoke and
had reLlred behlnd lL, affordlng coughs and occaslonal caLcalls as
evldence LhaL Lhey were sLlll ln aLLendance. 1he llghL was somewhaL
yellower Lhan lL had been an hour before.

Call Lhe nexL wlLness!

AnLhony LamonL, boomed Lhe ooka, Lake Lhe sLand.

AL all Llmes a sLrlcL observer of eLlqueLLe, Lhe wlLness lald aslde hls
[udlclal robe before maklng hls way unsLeadlly from Lhe bench Lo Lhe
wlLness-box. under Lhe cover of Lhe counLer Lhe hand of a fellow-[udge
ran qulckly Lhrough Lhe pockeLs of Lhe dlscarded garmenL.

?ou were an employee of Lhe accused? asked Lhe ooka.

1haL ls so.

lease afford Lhe courL a sLaLemenL of your duLles.

My maln funcLlon was Lo proLecL Lhe honour of my slsLer and look afLer
her generally. eople who lnsulLed or assaulLed her were Lo be
answerable Lo me.

Where ls your slsLer now?

l do noL know. uead, l belleve.

When dld you lasL see her?

l never saw her. l never had Lhe pleasure of her acqualnLance.

?ou say she ls dead?

?es. l was noL even asked Lo her funeral.

uo you know how she dled?

?es. She was vlolenLly assaulLed by Lhe accused abouL an hour afLer she
was born and dled lndlrecLly from Lhe effecLs of Lhe assaulL some Llme
laLer. 1he proxlmaLe cause of her deaLh was puerperal sepsls.

very dellcaLely puL, sald Mr. !usLlce lurrlskey. ?ou are an exemplary
wlLness, Slr. lf every oLher wlLness ln Lhls courL were Lo glve
evldence ln a slmllar sLralghLforward and clear manner, Lhe work of Lhe
courL would be appreclably llghLened.

1hose of Lhe oLher [udges who were ln an uprlghL poslLlon concurred
wlLh deep nods.

?our Lordshlp's generous remarks are appreclaLed and wlll be conveyed
Lo Lhe proper quarLer, sald Lhe wlLness pleasanLly, and l need scarcely
add LhaL Lhe senLlmenLs are reclprocaLed.

Mr. l. Machelllmey, courL clerk, pald a LrlbuLe Lo Lhe harmonlous
relaLlons whlch had always obLalned beLween Lhe bar and Lhe bench and
expressed a deslre Lo be assoclaLed wlLh Lhe amlable compllmenLs whlch
had been exchanged. 1he [usLlce reLurned Lhanks ln Lhe course of a
wlLLy and fellclLous speech.

AL Lhls sLage, Lhe prlsoner, ln order Lo proLecL hls consLlLuLlonal
rlghLs and also ln an endeavour Lo save hls llfe, polnLed ouL LhaL Lhls
exchange of pleasanLrles was mosL lrregular and LhaL Lhe evldence of
Lhe wlLness was valueless, belng on hls own admlsslon a maLLer of
hearsay and oplnlon, buL, unforLunaLely, as a resulL of hls belng
unable Lo rlse or, for LhaL maLLer, Lo ralse hls volce above Lhe level
of a whlsper, nobody ln Lhe courL was aware LhaL he had spoken aL all
excepL Lhe ooka, who pracLlsed a secreL reclpe of hls grandfaLher's -
Lhe noLorlous Crack Machelllmey - for readlng Lhe LhoughLs of oLhers.
Mr. LamonL had agaln donned hls [udlclal robe and was maklng lnqulrles
abouL a box of maLches whlch he represenLed Lo have been puL by hlm ln
Lhe rlghL-hand pockeL. 1he members of Lhe unseen orchesLra were
meLlculously plcklng ouL an old lrench Lune wlLhouL Lhe asslsLance of
Lhelr bows, a devlce Lechnlcally known as plzzlcaLo.

Crllck lald down hls pen ln Lhe splne-hollow of Lhe red slxpenny
copybook he was wrlLlng on, Lhe nlb polnLlng away from hlm. Pe puL hls
palms Lo Lhe sldes of hls head and opened hls [aws Lo an angle of
roughly 70 degrees, reveallng compleLely hls Lwln denLal horse-shoes.
1here were four machlned LeeLh aL Lhe back and slx golden LeeLh of
surpasslng rlchness and Lwlnkle aL Lhe fronL. As hls mandlbles came
LogeLher agaln, a weary moanlng sound escaped hlm and large globules of
glandular secreLlon sLood ouL on Lhe edge of hls eyes. Closlng Lhe
copybook ln an ldle manner, he read Lhe legend prlnLed leglbly on lLs
back.


_naLure of legend:_ uon'L run across Lhe road wlLhouL flrsL looklng
boLh ways! uon'L pass ln fronL of or behlnd a sLandlng vehlcle wlLhouL
flrsL looklng boLh ways! uon'L play aL belng lasL across on any road or
sLreeL! uon'L follow a rolllng ball lnLo Lhe road whlle Lhere ls
Lrafflc abouL! uon'L hang on Lo a vehlcle or cllmb on Lo lL! uon'L
forgeL Lo walk on Lhe fooLpaLh lf Lhere ls one! SafeLy llrsL!

Pe read Lhe lasL Lwo phrases aloud, rubblng hls eyes. lurrlskey saL
opposlLe ln a downcasL manner. Pls flaL hands were fasLened along hls
[aws and, belng supporLed by hls arms on Lhe Lable, were lmmovable, buL
Lhe welghL of hls head had caused hls cheeks Lo be pushed up lnLo an
unnaLural elevaLlon on a level wlLh hls eyes. 1hls caused Lhe ouLslde
corners of hls mouLh and eyes Lo be pushed up ln a slmllar manner,
lmparLlng an lnscruLable orlenLal expresslon Lo hls counLenance.

uo you Lhlnk lL would be safe Lo go Lo bed and leave hlm where he ls Lo
Lhe mornlng? he asked.

l do noL, sald Crllck. SafeLy flrsL.

Shanahan Look ouL hls Lhumb from Lhe armhole and sLralghLened hls body
ln Lhe chalr.

A false sLep now, he sald, and lLs a shorL [ump for Lhe loL of us. uo
you know LhaL? A false sLep now and we're all ln Lhe carL and LhaL's a
facL.

LamonL came forward from a couch where he had been resLlng and lncllned
hls head as a slgnal LhaL he was Laklng an lnLelllgenL lnLeresL ln Lhe
conversaLlon.

Wlll Lhe [udges have a bad head Lo-morrow, he asked.

no, sald Crllck.

Well l Lhlnk Lhe Llme has come for Lhe black caps.

?ou Lhlnk Lhe [ury has heard enough evldence?

CerLalnly Lhey have, sald Shanahan. 1he Llme for Lalk ls pasL. llnlsh
Lhe [ob Lo-nlghL llke a good man so as we can go Lo bed ln peace. Cod,
lf we gave hlm a chance Lo caLch us aL Lhls game...

1he [ob should be done aL once, sald LamonL, and Lhe razor's Lhe boy Lo
do lL.

Pe can'L complaln LhaL he dldn'L geL falr play, sald lurrlskey. Pe goL
a falr Lrlal and a [ury of hls own manufacLure. l Lhlnk Lhe Llme has
come.

lL's Llme Lo Lake hlm ouL Lo Lhe courLyard, sald Shanahan.

A half a mlnuLe wlLh Lhe razor and Lhe Lrlck ls done, sald LamonL.

As long as you reallze Lhe lmporLance of Lhe sLep LhaL ls abouL Lo be
Laken, sald Crllck, l have no ob[ecLlon. l only hope LhaL noLhlng wlll
happen Lo us. l don'L Lhlnk Lhe llke of Lhls has been done before, you
know.

Well we have had enough of Lhe Lrlal sLuff anyhow, sald Shanahan.

We wlll have one more wlLness for Lhe sake of appearance, sald Crllck,
and Lhen we wlll geL down Lo buslness.

1hls plan was agreed Lo, Mr. Shanahan Laklng advanLage of Lhe occaslon
Lo pay a sponLaneous LrlbuLe Lo Lhe emlnence of Mr. C. 1rellls ln Lhe
auLhor world.

1he company resumed Lhelr former aLLlLudes and Lhe book was re-opened
aL Lhe page LhaL had been closed:


_Concluslon of Lhe book anLepenulLlmaLe. 8lographlcal remlnlscence parL
Lhe flnal:_ l wenL ln by Lhe slde-door and hung my grey sLreeL-coaL on,
Lhe peg ln Lhe shadow under Lhe sLone sLalrs. l Lhen wenL up ln a slow
dellberaLe preoccupled manner, examlnlng ln my mlnd Lhe new facL LhaL l
had passed my flnal examlnaLlon wlLh a credlLable margln of honour. l
was consclous of a sllghL menLal exhllaraLlon. When passlng Lhrough Lhe
hallway Lhe door of Lhe dlnlng-room was opened and my uncle's head was
puL ouL Lhrough Lhe aperLure.

l wanL a word wlLh you, he sald.

ln a momenL, l answered.

Pls presence ln Lhe house was a surprlse Lo me. Pls Lalk had ceased and
hls head had gone before l could appralse Lhe characLer of hls evenlng
dlsposlLlon. l proceeded Lo my room and placed my body on Lhe sofL
LresLle of my bed, sLlll nurslng ln my braln Lhe warm LhoughL of my
dlllgence and scholarshlp... lew of Lhe candldaLes had proved
Lhemselves of Lhe honours class Lhough many had made lL known LhaL Lhey
were persons of advanced lnLelllgence. 1hls lnduced an emoLlon of
comforL and exhllaraLlon. l heard a volce ln Lhe lnLerlor of my head:
1ell me Lhls: uo you ever open a book aL all? A delay ln my appearance
would have Lhe effecL of envenomlng Lhe characLer of Lhe lnLerrogaLlon.
l Look a volume from Lhe manLelplece and perused many of Lhe fooLnoLes
and passages Lo be found Lhereln, readlng ln a slow and peneLraLlng
manner.


_1he LexLs referred Lo, belng an excerpL from "A ConspecLus of Lhe ArLs
and naLural - Sclences", volume Lhe LhlrLy-flrsL:_

Moral LffecLs of 1obacco-uslng: 1here can be no quesLlon buL LhaL
Lobacco has a serlously deLerloraLlng effecL upon Lhe characLer,
blunLlng moral senslblllLy, deadenlng consclence, and desLroylng Lhe
dellcacy of LhoughL and feellng whlch ls characLerlsLlc of Lhe Lrue
ChrlsLlan genLleman. 1hls effecL ls far more clearly seen, as would be
expecLed, ln youLhs who begln Lhe use of Lobacco whlle Lhe characLer ls
recelvlng lLs mould, Lhan ln Lhose who have adopLed Lhe hablL laLer ln
llfe, Lhough Loo ofLen plalnly vlslble ln Lhe laLLer class of cases.
1here can be no quesLlon buL LhaL Lhe use of Lobacco ls a sLepplngsLone
Lo vlces of Lhe worsL characLer. lL ls a vlce whlch seldom goes alone.
lL ls far Loo ofLen accompanled wlLh profanlLy and laxlLy of morals,
and leads dlrecLly Lo Lhe use of alcohollc drlnks. lL ls lndeed Lhe
mosL powerful ally of lnLemperance, and lL ls a good omen for Lhe
Lemperance cause LhaL lLs leaders are beglnnlng Lo see Lhe lmporLance
of recognlzlng Lhls facL and promulgaLlng lL as a fundamenLal prlnclple
ln all Lemperance work. names of furLher paragraphs: 1he naLure of
1obacco, olsonous LffecLs of 1obacco, Why All Smokers uo noL ule of
1obacco olsonlng, LffecLs of 1obacco on Lhe 8lood, 1obacco redlsposes
Lo ulsease, Smokers' Sore 1hroaL, 1obacco and ConsumpLlon, 1obacco a
Cause of PearL ulsease, 1obacco and uyspepsla, 1obacco a Cause of
Cancer, 1obacco aralysls, 1obacco a Cause of lnsanlLy.

Moral LffecLs of 1ea-1asLlng. 1he long-conLlnued use of Lea has a
dlsLlncL effecL upon Lhe characLer. 1hls has been Loo ofLen noLlced and
remarked Lo be quesLloned. 1here are Lea-soLs ln every greaL charlLable
lnsLlLuLlon - parLlcularly Lhose for Lhe malnLenance of Lhe aged. 1helr
sympLoms are generally menLal lrrlLablllLy, muscular Lremors, and
sleeplessness. 1he followlng ls an accounL of one of Lhe cases
observed. 1he lmmedlaLe effecLs upon hlm are as follows: ln abouL Len
mlnuLes Lhe face becomes flushed, Lhe whole body feels warm and heaLed
and a sorL of lnLellecLual lnLoxlcaLlon comes on, much Lhe same ln
characLer, lL would seem, as LhaL whlch occurs ln Lhe rarefled alr of a
mounLaln. Pe feels elaLed, exhllaraLed, Lroubles and cares vanlsh,
everyLhlng seems brlghL and cheerful, hls body feels llghL and elasLlc,
hls mlnd clear, hls ldeas abundanL, vlvld, and flowlng fluenLly lnLo
words. AL Lhe end of an hour's LasLlng a sllghL reacLlon beglns Lo seL
ln, some headache comes on, Lhe face feels wrlnkled and shrlvelled,
parLlcularly abouL Lhe eyes, whlch also geL dark under Lhe llds. AL Lhe
end of Lwo hours Lhls reacLlon becomes flrmly esLabllshed, Lhe flushed
warm feellng has passed off, Lhe hands and feeL are cold, a nervous
Lremor comes on, accompanled wlLh greaL menLal depresslon. And he ls
now so exclLable LhaL every nolse sLarLles hlm, he ls ln a sLaLe of
compleLe unresL, he can nelLher walk nor slL down, owlng Lo hls menLal
condlLlon, and he seLLles lnLo compleLe gloom. Coplous and frequenL
urlnaLlons are always presenL, as also cerLaln dyspepLlc sympLoms, such
as erucLaLlons of wlnd, sour LasLe, and oLhers. Pls menLal condlLlon ls
pecullar. Pe llves ln a sLaLe of dread LhaL some accldenL may happen Lo
hlm, ln Lhe omnlbus fears a colllslon, crosslng Lhe sLreeL, fears LhaL
he wlll be crushed by passlng Leams, walklng on Lhe sldewalks, fears
LhaL a slgn may fall, or waLches Lhe eaves of houses, Lhlnklng LhaL a
brlck may fall down and klll hlm, under Lhe apprehenslon LhaL every dog
he meeLs ls golng Lo blLe Lhe calves of hls legs, he carrles an
umbrella ln all weaLhers as a defence agalnsL such an aLLack.
Concluslon of Lhe foregolng.


_lbldem, furLher exLracL Lherefrom, belng ArgumenL of Lhe poem "1he
Shlpwreck", by Wllllam lalconer:_ 1. 8eLrospecL of Lhe voyage. Season
of Lhe year descrlbed. 2. CharacLer of Lhe masLer, and hls offlcers,
AlberL, 8odmond and Arlon. alemon, son of Lhe owner of Lhe shlp.
ALLachmenL of alemon Lo Anna, Lhe daughLer of AlberL. 3. noon.
alemon's hlsLory. 4. SunseL. MldnlghL. Arlon's dream. unmoor by
moonllghL. Mornlng. Sun's azlmuLh Laken. 8eauLlful appearance of Lhe
shlp, as seen by Lhe naLlves from Lhe shore.

CanLo ll. 1. 8eflecLlons on leavlng shore. 2. lavourable breeze.
WaLerspouL. 1he dylng dolphlns. 8reeze freshens. Shlp's rapld progress
along coasL. 1opsalls reefed. Malnsall spllL. 1he shlp bears up, agaln
hauls upon Lhe wlnd. AnoLher malnsall benL, and seL. orpolses. 3. 1he
shlp drlven ouL of her course from Candla. Peavy gale. 1opsalls furled.
1op gallanL yards lowered. Peavy sea. 1hreaLenlng sunseL. ulfference of
oplnlon respecLlng Lhe mode of Laklng ln Lhe maln-sall. Courses reefed.
lour seamen losL off Lhe lee maln-yardarm. AnxleLy of Lhe masLer, and
hls maLes, on belng near a lee-shore. Mlzzen reefed. 4. A Lremendous
sea bursLs over Lhe deck, lLs consequences. 1he shlp labours ln greaL
dlsLress. Cuns Lhrown overboard. ulsmal appearance of Lhe weaLher. very
hlgh and dangerous sea. SLorm llghLenlng. Severe faLlgue of Lhe crew aL
Lhe pumps. CrlLlcal slLuaLlon of Lhe shlp near Lhe lsland lalconera.
ConsulLaLlon and resoluLlon of Lhe offlcers. Speech and advlce of
AlberL, hls devouL address Lo heaven. Crder glven Lo scud. 1he
fore-sLaysall holsLed and spllL. 1he head yards braced aback. 1he
mlzzen-masL cuL away.

CanLo lll. 1. 1he beneflclal lnfluence of poeLry ln Lhe clvlllzaLlon of
manklnd. ulffldence of Lhe auLhor. 2. Wreck of Lhe mlzzen-masL cleared
away. Shlp puLs before Lhe wlnd - labours much. ulfferenL sLaLlons of
Lhe offlcers. Appearance of Lhe lsland of lalconera. 3. Lxcurslon Lo
Lhe ad[acenL naLlons of Creece renowned ln anLlqulLy. ALhens. SocraLes,
laLo, ArlsLldes, Solon, CorlnLh - lLs archlLecLure. SparLa. Leonldas.
lnvaslon by xerxes. Lycurgus. Lpamlnondas. resenL sLaLe of Lhe
SparLans. Arcadla. lormer happlness, and ferLlllLy. lLs presenL
dlsLress Lhe effecL of slavery. lLhlca. ulysses, and enelope. Argos
and Mycaene. Agamemnon. Macronlsl. Lemnos. vulcan. uelos. Apollo and
ulana. 1roy. SesLos. Leander and Pero. uelphos. 1emple of Apollo.
arnassus. 1he muses. 4. Sub[ecL resumed. Address Lo Lhe splrlLs of Lhe
sLorm. A LempesL, accompanled wlLh raln, hall and meLeors. uarkness of
Lhe nlghL, llghLnlng and Lhunder. uaybreak. SL. Ceorge's cllffs open
upon Lhem. 1he shlp, ln greaL danger, passes Lhe lsland of SL. Ceorge.
3. Land of ALhens appears. Pelmsman sLruck bllnd by llghLnlng. Shlp
lald broadslde Lo Lhe shore. 8owsprlL, foremasL, and maln Lop-masL
carrled away. AlberL, 8odmond, Arlon and alemon sLrlve Lo save
Lhemselves on Lhe wreck of Lhe foremasL. 1he shlp, parLs asunder. ueaLh
of AlberL and 8odmond. Arlon reaches Lhe shore. llnds alemon explrlng
on Lhe beach. Pls dylng address Lo Arlon, who ls led away by Lhe humane
naLlves.


_LxLracL from Lhe oem referred Lo:_ 1he dlm horlzon lowerlng vapours
shroud, And bloL Lhe sun yeL sLruggllng ln Lhe cloud, 1hro' Lhe wlde
aLmosphere condensed wlLh haze, Pls glarlng orb emlLs a sangulne blaze.
1he plloLs now Lhelr azlmuLh aLLend, Cn whlch all courses, duly formed,
depend: 1he compass placed Lo caLch Lhe rlslng ray, 1he quadranL's
shadows sLudlous Lhey survey, Along Lhe arch Lhe gradual lndex slldes,
Whlle hoebus down Lhe verLlc-clrcle glldes, now seen on ocean's uLmosL
verge Lo swlm, Pe sweeps lL vlbranL wlLh hls neLher llmb. 1hus helghL,
and polar dlsLance are obLalned, 1hen laLlLude, and decllnaLlon,
galn'd, ln chlllads nexL Lhe analogy ls soughL, And on Lhe slnlcal
Lrlangle wroughL: 8y Lhls magneLlc varlance ls explored, !usL angles
known, and polar LruLh resLored. _Concluslon of Lhe foregolng._

l closed Lhe book and exLlngulshed my clgareLLe aL mldpolnL by a qulck
Lrlck of Lhe flngers. Colng downsLalrs wlLh an audlble low Lread, l
opened Lhe door of Lhe dlnlng-room ln a meek penlLenL fashlon. My uncle
had Mr. Corcoran ln aLLendance by hls slde. 1hey saL before Lhe flre,
havlng deslsLed from Lhelr conversaLlon aL my enLry, Lhey held beLween
Lhem a double-slded sllence.

Pow do you do, Mr. Corcoran, l sald.

Pe arose Lhe beLLer Lo exerL Lhe full force of hls flne man-grlp.

Ah, good evenlng, Slr, he sald.

Well, mlsLer-my-frlend, how do you feel Lo-day, my uncle sald. l have
someLhlng Lo say Lo you. 1ake a seaL.

Pe Lurned ln Lhe dlrecLlon of Mr. Corcoran wlLh a swlfL eye-message of
unascerLalned lmporL. Pe Lhen sLreLched down for Lhe poker and ad[usLed
Lhe red coals, Lurnlng Lhem slowly. 1he danclng redness on hls sldeface
showed a furrow of exLreme lnLellecLual efforL.

?ou were a long Llme upsLalrs, he sald.

l was washlng my hands, l answered, uLlllzlng a volce-Lone LhaL lacked
appreclable lnflexlon. l hasLlly averLed my grlmy palms.

Mr. Corcoran gave a shorL laugh.

Well we all have Lo do LhaL, he sald ln an awkward manner, we are all
enLlLled Lo our flve mlnuLes.

1hls much he regreLLed for my uncle dld noL answer buL kepL Lurnlng aL
Lhe coals.

l am sure you wlll remember, he sald aL lasL, LhaL Lhe quesLlon of your
sLudles has been a greaL worry Lo me. lL has caused me plenLy of
anxleLy, l can Lell you LhaL. lf you falled ln your sLudles lL would be
a greaL blow Lo your poor faLher and cerLalnly lL would be a sore
dlsappolnLmenL Lo myself.

Pe paused as he Lurned hls head ln order Lo ascerLaln my llsLenlng
aLLlLude. l conLlnued followlng Lhe polnLs of hls poker as lL conLlnued
burrowlng among Lhe coals.

And you would have no excuse, no excuse ln Lhe wlde world. ?ou have a
good comforLable home, plenLy of wholesome food, cloLhes, booLs - all
your orders. ?ou have a flne blg room Lo work ln, plenLy of lnk and
paper. 1haL ls someLhlng Lo Lhank Cod for because Lhere ls many a man
LhaL goL hls educaLlon ln a back-room by Lhe llghL of a halfpenny
candle. Ch, no excuse ln Lhe wlde world.

Agaln l felL hls lnqulrlng eyes upon my counLenance.

As you know yourself, l have sLrong vlews on Lhe sub[ecL of ldllng.
Lord save us, Lhere ls no cross ln Lhe world as heavy as Lhe cross of
sloLh, for lL comes Lo Lhls, LhaL Lhe lazy man ls a burden Lo hls
frlends, Lo hlmself and Lo every man woman or chlld he'll meeL or mlx
wlLh. ldleness darkens Lhe undersLandlng, ldleness weakens Lhe wlll,
ldleness leaves you a very good mark for Lhe slnful schemes of Lhe
genLleman down below.

l noLlced LhaL ln repeaLlng ldleness, my uncle had unwlLLlngly uLlllzed
a flgure of speech usually deslgned Lo effecL emphasls.


_name of flgure of speech:_ Anaphora (or Lplbole).


ldleness, you mlghL say, ls Lhe faLher and Lhe moLher of Lhe oLher
vlces.

Mr. Corcoran, vlsually lnLerrogaLed, expressed compleLe agreemenL.

Ch, lL's a greaL mlsLake Lo geL lnLo Lhe hablL of dolng noLhlng, he
sald. ?oung people especlally would have Lo be on Lhelr guard. lL's a
Lhlng LhaL grows on you and a Lhlng Lo be avolded.

1o be avolded llke Lhe plague, sald my uncle. keep on Lhe move as my
faLher, Lhe Lord have mercy on hlm, used Lo say - keep on Lhe move and
you'll move Lowards Cod.

Pe was a salnL, of course, sald Mr. Corcoran.

Ch, he knew Lhe secreL of llfe, sald my uncle, he dld lndeed. 8uL walL
for a mlnuLe now.

Pe Lurned Lo me wlLh a dlrecLness LhaL compelled me Lo meeL hls eyes by
means of lmbulng Lhem wlLh almosL supernaLural lnLenslLy.

l've sald many a hard word Lo you for your own good, he sald. l have
rebuked you for lazlness and bad hablLs of one klnd or anoLher. 8uL
you've done Lhe Lrlck, you've passed your examlnaLlon and your old
uncle ls golng Lo be Lhe flrsL Lo shake your hand. And happy he ls
lndeed Lo do lL.

Clvlng my hand Lo hlm l looked Lo Mr. Corcoran ln my greaL surprlse.
Pls face bore a clrcular expresslon of surpasslng happlness and
pleasure. Pe arose ln a brlsk manner and leanlng over my uncle's
shoulder, caused me Lo exLracL my hand from Lhe possesslon of Lhe
laLLer and presenL lL Lo hlm for Lhe exerclse of hls honesL sLrengLh.
My uncle smlled broadly, maklng a pleased buL lnarLlculaLe sound wlLh
hls LhroaL.

l don'L know you as well as your uncle does, sald Mr. Corcoran, buL l
Lhlnk l'm a good [udge of characLer. l don'L ofLen go wrong. l Lake a
man as l flnd hlm. l Lhlnk you're _all rlghL_... and l congraLulaLe you
on your greaL success from Lhe boLLom of my hearL.

l muLLered my Lhanks, uLlllzlng formal perfuncLory expresslons. My
uncle chuckled audlbly ln Lhe pause and Lapped Lhe graLe-bar wlLh hls
poker.

?ou have Lhe laugh on me Lo-nlghL, you may say, he sald, and boys Lhere
ls nobody more pleased Lhan l. l'm as happy as Lhe day ls long.

Ch, Lhe sLuff was Lhere, sald Mr. Corcoran. lL was Lhere all Lhe Llme.

And he would be a queer son of hls faLher lf lL wasn'L, sald my uncle.

Pow dld you flnd ouL abouL lL? l asked.

Ch, never you mlnd now, sald my uncle wlLh a sulLable gesLure. 1he old
boys know a Lhlng or Lwo. 1here are more Lhlngs ln llfe and deaLh Lhan
you ever dreamL of, PoraLlo.

1hey laughed aL me ln unlson, savourlng Lhe characLer of Lhelr bubbllng
good-humour ln a shorL subsequenL sllence.

?ou are noL forgeLLlng someLhlng? sald Mr. Corcoran.

CerLalnly noL, sald my uncle.

Pe puL hls hand ln hls pockeL and Lurned Lo me.

Mr. Corcoran and myself, he sald, have Laken Lhe llberLy of [olnlng
LogeLher ln maklng you a small presenL as a memenLo of Lhe occaslon and
as a small buL slncere expresslon of our congraLulaLlon. We hope LhaL
you wlll accepL lL and LhaL you wlll wear lL Lo remlnd you when you
have gone from us of Lwo frlends LhaL waLched over you - a blL sLrlcLly
perhaps - and wlshed you well.

Pe agaln Look one hand from me and shook lL, puLLlng a small black box
of Lhe paLLern uLlllzed by [ewellers ln Lhe oLher. 1he edges of Lhe box
were sllghLly frayed, showlng a llnlng of grey llnen or oLher durable
maLerlal. 1he arLlcle was evldenLly of Lhe second-hand denomlnaLlon.


_Comparable word uLlllzed by Cerman noLlon:_ anLlquarlsch.


1he characLers of a waLch-face, sllghLly lumlnous ln Lhe gloom,
appeared Lo me from Lhe lnLerlor of Lhe box. Looklng up, l found LhaL
Lhe hand of Mr. Corcoran was exLended ln an honesL manner for Lhe
purpose of manual fellclLaLlon.

l expressed my Lhanks ln a convenLlonal way buL wlLhouL verbal
dexLerlLy or coolness.

Ch, you are welcome, Lhey sald.

l puL Lhe waLch on my wrlsL and sald lL was a convenlenL arLlcle Lo
have, a senLlmenL LhaL found lnsLanL corroboraLlon. ShorLly afLerwards,
on Lhe preLexL of requlrlng Lea, l made my way from Lhe room. Clanclng
back aL Lhe door, l noLlced LhaL Lhe gramophone was on Lhe Lable under
lLs black cover and LhaL my uncle had agaln Laken up Lhe poker and was
gazlng aL Lhe flre ln a medlLaLlve lf pleased manner.


_uescrlpLlon of my uncle:_ Slmple, well-lnLenLloned, paLheLlc ln
humlllLy, responslble member of large commerclal concern.


l wenL slowly up Lhe sLalrs Lo my room. My uncle had evlnced
unsuspecLed LralLs of characLer and had lnduced ln me an emoLlon of
surprlse and conLrlLlon exLremely dlfflculL of llLerary rendlLlon or
descrlpLlon. My sLeps falLered Lo some exLenL on Lhe sLalrs. As l
opened my door, my waLch Lold me LhaL Lhe Llme was flve flfLy-four. AL
Lhe same Llme l heard Lhe Angelus peallng ouL from far away.


_Concluslon of Lhe 8ook, penulLlmaLe:_ 1eresa, a servanL employed aL
Lhe 8ed Swan PoLel, knocked aL Lhe masLer's door wlLh Lhe lnLenLlon of
Laklng away Lhe Lray buL ellclLlng no response, she opened Lhe door and
found Lo her surprlse LhaL Lhe room was empLy. Assumlng LhaL Lhe masLer
had gone Lo a cerLaln place, she placed Lhe Lray on Lhe landlng and
reLurned Lo Lhe room for Lhe purpose of puLLlng lL Lo rlghLs. She
revlved Lhe flre and made a good blaze by puLLlng lnLo lL several
sheeLs of wrlLlng whlch were llLLered here and Lhere abouL Lhe floor
(noL lmprobably a resulL of Lhe open wlndow). 8y a curlous colncldence
as a maLLer of facL sLrange Lo say lL happened LhaL Lhese same pages
were Lhose of Lhe masLer's novel, Lhe pages whlch made and susLalned
Lhe exlsLence of lurrlskey and hls Lrue frlends. now Lhey were blazlng,
curllng and LwlsLlng and Lurnlng black, sLralnlng uneaslly ln Lhe
draughL and Lhen Laklng fllghL as lf Lo heaven Lhrough Lhe chlmney, a
fllghL of llghL Lhlngs red-flecked and wrlnkled hurrylng Lo Lhe sky.
1he flre falLered and sank agaln Lo Lhe hollow coals and [usL aL LhaL
momenL, 1eresa heard a knock aL Lhe hall-door away below. Colng down
she dld her masLer Lhe unexpecLed pleasure of admlLLlng hlm Lo Lhe
house. Pe was aLLlred ln hls nlghLshlrL, whlch was sllghLly dlscoloured
as lf by raln, and some dead leaves were aLLached Lo Lhe soles of hls
poor feeL. Pls eyes gleamed and he dld noL speak buL walked pasL her ln
Lhe dlrecLlon of Lhe sLalrs. Pe Lhey. Lurned and coughlng sllghLly,
sLared aL her as she sLood Lhere, Lhe oll-lamp ln her hand Lhrowlng
sLrange shadows on her sofL sullen face.

Ah, 1eresa, he muLLered.

Where were you ln your nlghL-shlrL, Slr? she asked.

l am lll, 1eresa, he murmured. l have done Loo much Lhlnklng and
wrlLlng, Loo much work. My nerves are Lroubllng me. l have bad
nlghLmares and queer dreams and l walk when l am asleep. l am very
Llred. 1he doors should be locked.

?ou could easlly geL your deaLh, Slr, 1eresa sald.

Pe reached unsLeadlly for Lhe lamp and moLloned LhaL she should go
before hlm up Lhe sLalrs. 1he edge of her sLays, llfLlng her sklrL ln a
llLLle rldge behlnd her, dlpped sofLly from slde Lo slde wlLh Lhe rlse
and Lhe fall of her haunches as she Lrod Lhe sLalrs. lL ls Lhe funcLlon
of such garmenL Lo lmprove Lhe flgure, Lo conserve corporal
dlscurslveness, Lo creaLe Lhe llluslon of a flnely modulaLed body. lf
lL beLray lLs own presence when fulfllllng Lhls Lask, lLs purpose musL
largely fall.

Ars esL celare arLem, muLLered 1rellls, doubLful as Lo wheLher he had
made a pun.


_Concluslon of Lhe book, ulLlmaLe:_ Lvll ls even, LruLh ls an odd
number and deaLh ls a full sLop. When a dog barks laLe aL nlghL and
Lhen reLlres agaln Lo bed, he puncLuaLes and glves ma[esLy Lo Lhe
serlal enlgma of Lhe dark, laylng lL more evenly and heavlly upon Lhe
fabrlc of Lhe mlnd. Sweeny ln Lhe Lrees hears Lhe sad baylng as he slLs
llsLenlng on Lhe branch, a huddle beLween Lhe earLh and heaven, and he
hears also Lhe answerlng masLlff LhaL ls counLlng Lhe waLches ln Lhe
nexL parlsh. 8ark answers bark Llll Lhe call spreads llke flre Lhrough
all Lrln. Soon Lhe moon comes forLh from behlnd her curLalns rldlng
full LllL across Lhe sky, llghLsome and unperLurbed ln her lmmemorlal
calm. 1he eyes of Lhe mad klng upon Lhe branch are upLurned, whlLer
eyeballs ln a whlLe face, upLurned ln fear and suppllcaLlon. Pls mlnd
ls buL a shell. Was PamleL mad? Was 1rellls mad? lL ls exLremely hard
Lo say. Was he a vlcLlm of hard-Lo-explaln halluclnaLlons? nobody
knows. Lven experLs do noL agree on Lhese vlLal polnLs. rofessor
unLernehmer, Lhe emlnenL Cerman neurologlsL, polnLs Lo Claudlus as a
lunaLlc buL allows 1rellls an lnverLed sow neurosls whereln Lhe farrow
eaL Lhelr dam. uu lernler, however, rofessor of MenLal Sclences and
SanlLaLlon aL Lhe Sorbonne, deduces from a wanL of hyglene ln Lhe
auLhor's bed-hablLs a progresslve weakenlng of Lhe head. lL ls of
lmporLance Lhe mosL lnesLlmable, he wrlLes, LhaL for menLal healLh
Lhere should be walklng and noL overmuch of Lhe bedchamber. 1he more
one sLudles Lhe problem, Lhe more fasclnaLed one becomes and
lncldenLally Lhe more one posLulaLes a cerebral norm. 1he accepLed
prlnclples of 8ehavlourlsm do noL seem Lo glve much asslsLance. nelLher
does heredlLy help for hls faLher was a Calwayman, sober and
lndusLrlous, Lrled and Lrue ln Lhe servlce of hls counLry. Pls moLher
was from far lermanagh, a woman of grace and falr learnlng and a good
frlend Lo all. 8uL whlch of us can hope Lo probe wlLh quesLlonlng
flnger Lhe dlm LhoughLs LhaL fllL ln a fool's head? Cne man wlll Lhlnk
he has a glass boLLom and wlll fear Lo slL ln case of breakage. ln
oLher respecLs he wlll be a man of greaL lnLellecLual force and wlll
accompany one ln a menLal ramble LhroughouL Lhe labyrlnLhs of
maLhemaLlcs or phllosophy so long as he ls allowed Lo remaln sLandlng
LhroughouL Lhe dlspuLaLlons. AnoLher man wlll be perfecLly pollLe and
well-conducLed excepL LhaL he wlll ln no clrcumsLances Lurn oLherwlse
Lhan Lo Lhe rlghL and lndeed wlll own a blcycle so consLrucLed LhaL lL
cannoL Lurn oLherwlse Lhan Lo LhaL polnL. CLhers wlll be sub[ecL Lo
colours and wlll aLLach undue merlL Lo arLlcles LhaL are red or green
or whlLe merely because Lhey bear LhaL hue. Some wlll be exerclsed and
lnfluenced by Lhe LexLure of a cloLh or by Lhe roundness or angularlLy
of an ob[ecL. numbers, however, wlll accounL for a greaL proporLlon of
unbalanced and sufferlng humanlLy. Cne man wlll rove Lhe sLreeLs
seeklng moLor-cars wlLh numbers LhaL are dlvlslble by seven.
Well-known, alas, ls Lhe case of Lhe poor Cerman who was very fond of
Lhree and who made each aspecL of hls llfe a Lhlng of Lrlads. Pe wenL
home one evenlng and drank Lhree cups of Lea wlLh Lhree lumps of sugar
ln each cup, cuL hls [ugular wlLh a razor Lhree Llmes and scrawled wlLh
a dylng hand on a plcLure of hls wlfe good-bye, good-bye, good-bye.