Husband Stuff (intended for the happiness of wives)

Communicate (both ways, all the time). When it comes to your wife, no news is not necessarily good news. No news, out loud to you, many times means chaos and awfulness inside her head. Inside her head is not a good place for chaos and awfulness. These things grow at an alarming rate in there, and eventually turn into lots of screaming about tiny little nonsense things that leave the husband very confused. The reason the husband is confused is he is trying to figure out the connection between the current conversation and the reasons for the screaming. Guess what. There isnt one. The reasons for the screaming have nothing to do with what she just said 10 seconds ago, but they have everything to do with what shes been saying in her head for weeks. Important Point: Words not said out loud are not words not said. So now the husband reading this says something like Well she shouldve said something sooner. or If she had something that needed to be said, she shouldve said it. I feel you, man. Thats typical husband logic. Ive thought the same thing many times. But heres the big thing here. The wifes needs are the husbands responsibility. And, unfortunately, that doesnt just mean paying the bills. Yes, she needs food, clothes, housing, transportation, and all that good stuff. But a wife also has a deep need to communicate. But just like she cant always meet those other needs all by herself, sometimes she cant meet her need to communicate all by herself. (And with those last couple of sentences, many husbands just fell asleep.) Wake up, man! This is important! Sometimes stressors get stuck in your wifes brain. This is not an insult. There is a reason for this. A wife has stressors coming from a whole bunch of places. Shes got stress coming from being a wife, a mother, an employee (or employer), a daughter, a sister, this list could go on, but I think Ive hit the big ones. The problem with that is because of the needs placed on women when they become mothers God has given them the ability to be right on the edge of action, in any direction, at any moment. That means the stress she has from being a wife, for example, is very present when she begins to get stressed at work. Even though the two may have nothing to do with each other, both are very present at all times in her mind. This is very different for husbands that I know. I believe because we would literally go insane and need to be institutionalized if we had to live the way our wives do God has given us the ability to compartmentalize. Thankfully, this means that when we have stress as a husband, we can often flip a switch in our brains and be like Job? What job? I have a job? Ill worry about that later. That being said, that on the verge of anything way a wife has of processing information can make it very difficult to mold the stress and chaos in her mind into logical words that want to come out of her face voluntarily. Thats where the husband is supposed to step in. So what does the husband do when the wife is obviously very stressed, but shes not saying anything about it? Lets explore the possibilities with a few scenarios.

Scenario 1: Wife is stressed. Husband begins to talk to her in a caring way. He asks her open questions, encouraging her to share whats on her mind without being forceful (which would add to the stress). The wife begins to open up about whats been going on. How the conversation goes from there can vary greatly, depending on how many areas of life are providing stressors, and how long its been since she last had the opportunity to share in this way. Husband and Wife live happily ever until the next time. Scenario 2: Wife is stressed. Husband thinks something like She seems a little stressed today. I tell you what, if she had to live my life for a day, she would know what stress really is. Husband says nothing and continues to live in Fantasy Land (population of 1). Wife remains stressed. Scenario 3: Wife is stressed. Husband says something like Aw, you look stressed. Come here. He lovingly holds her, truly attempting to comfort her, for between 30-60 seconds. Then he says something like There you go. Now make me some dinner. Wife remains stressed. Important point: For any of these scenarios to play out even the ones that dont end well the husband must first be able to detect when his wife is stressed out. If you are unable to do this, the level of help you need is beyond the scope of this discussion. Thats a whole nother level. In conclusion, I think its also important to point out that this is not a magical formula of some kind that will make all conversations go well, or make all stress disappear. Sometimes, just talking it out helps. Sometimes, talking it out leads to discussing solutions to some of lifes problems. Sometimes the words still dont want to come out, and the wife will lovingly tell the husband to shut up. Sometimes understanding that husbands are some of Gods most simple-minded creations the wife will simply appreciate the effort. Take Away: Communicate. Communicate often. Communicate in both directions. Encourage and accept open communication from your wife. Sometimes shes not just talking to you because she wants to; shes talking to you because she needs to.

David Yearwood Recovering Selfish Person Former Bad Husband Currently married for 14 years