I am, she, Bruce Watson

by Shelly Sheehan

War is goin to happen. You read about it in the papers, you hear the men talkin bout it at the bars. The union is ticked off with the rich white men ownin slaves, I like to see em go out into those fields and gettin cotton or workin in the factories. My daddy, hes tall, big shoulders, never smiles, always smells like the drink, owns slaves, Ive set about a dozen free, one girl lives in my closet cause when she went to escape daddy came home and she just sprinted to hide from him.The slaves need emancipation, me just setting one free isnt enough until the all are free and have the rights that they deserve. Daddy wants his slaves, he wants money its all he thinks about. My brother thinks the same way as he,if my mother was alive she would agree with me. I think about leavin all the time, my escape, just run away and join the union. If I was a boy I would fight for freedom of the slaves. I know that theres a chance of dyin but anythin is better than this place. Daddy is downstairs yelling at the maids to make the house clean cause Sir Mistah Davis himself is coming over. Daddy wants this war to happen so hes gonna make it happen. *** Tonight is the night, I am gonna run, Ive had it in this household. Animals are treated better than people. My daddy smack me cause I spit in Davis face. That Bastard hit a slave for puttin too much sugar in his tea, I ran downstairs to save her. She was curled up in a ball. Im not sure how many times she got hit before I got there. I jumped in front of her and Davis stopped swinging. After I spit in his face, he grabbed his coat and ran out the door, he said a few cuss words on the way out that a lady isnt allowed to say. Daddys face was crimson red, he ordered the slave to go to the barn, usually that is followed by a whippin and other things that even Satan himself cant bare. Daddy grabbed the brander from the fire and burnt my leg, I tried runnin but I ended up gettin my hands burnt. When I ran up the stairs, he grabbed me by my hair and threw me down the stairs. I laid there on the ground, too nervous to move, too scared to blink. He took his drink and he walked away. Helena, our maid, said a prayer over me then she picked me up, the fragile women carried me to my room. I tried thankin her but she told me to hush it. Helena was like a mother to me, she was sweet. Her hair was pinned back, her cheekbones stuck out, and she had the tiniest hands.

She cleaned my cuts and burns, tucked me in then kissed my forehead like Moma used to. I was left there in my room to think, just starin at the ceilin. To keep my mind from going ta dark thoughts I grabbed a book to read. The book was Mulan. I didnt even have to open to the first page to realize what I was going to do. I am 17 years old and my brother is 19. He isnt that much bigger than me. I snuck into his room, I grabbed his clothes from his closet and a pair of shoes. My backpack was practically full and I was ready to go when I looked in the mirror, the one thang that made me a girl was my long hair. I knew it would have to go, but I just hid it in my hat if I join the Union Army as a man. I woke up Gemma, she was sleeping in my closet. I told her I was leavin and that if she wanted to go she could come with me. I never have seen her move so quickly. As we crept down the rickety stairs, every step seemed like a mile, the darkness filled the room when we reached the front door. When Gemma touched the handle a loud noise came from a cha ir. Sittin there in a lump was a figure of a man, he was snorin, he was drunk and he was my father. I rolled my eyes and we left, just like that. Something I couldve done years ago but I was too much of a chicken to do it. The dirt road was too risky to take, anyone could look out the windows and see us. We ran through the cotton fields. I dare not turn my head to look at what I was leavin behind. Its funny to think you can have everythin youve ever wanted and still be unhappy. The day my momma died was the day happiness did too. Eight years later Im finally leavin. It felt as if it took days to get to the end of the property line, it was a two foot stone wall. Two foot wall was blocking my freedom. Im unsure of where I am going, I had no map, no compass. I just went straight hopin it was north. ****** We spent two months walking from home, and arrived in Maryland. It is now Febuary 1861. Gemma wants to work in a factory, but I have better plans. Besides, all the factories are going crazy cause its a total war. I rather be shootin those bullets instead of makin them. Gemma and I are gettin worried. We get a lot of unwanted attention cause she a negro and I am white. We need to keep walking north, be fully in the union. *****

One night me and Lee are camping out under the stars in a field near Providence and an army flyer blew right up to us. On the flyer was a soldier riding a horse, thats what I want to. The Union was recruiting men out of Boston. I opened my backpack and there I sit had my brothers clothes. This is actually going to happen. It isnt a dream. In the mornin I will wake Lee up and were going to Boston. I laid back and gazed up at the stars, seeing their beauty, letting my dreams carry me with the wind. I wonder what its like at war, the power one feels, the feel of victory,taking Abe Lincoln's orders. Everything just seems amazing. I think its funny, if I didnt run away two months ago I would never be able to take a stand for what I care for. Im not only fighting for slaves freedom, Im fighting for my own. Nathan Forrest said,A war is fightin, fightin means killin. The thought of killin some guy scares me but daddy probably has done worse to me like the time he assisted me down the stairs to the dark basement cause I was talking to a negro. Well the Lord is on the Union side so no matter what happens hell forgive me ******** The sun was barely peeking when we were on the road. If we hurried we could make it to Boston by lunch. Im still wearing my woman clothes, I dont like pants they feel funny, Im changing once we get closer. Lee keeps telling me to slow down but Im just too darn excited. I got changed in a bathroom of a bar, I looked in the mirror and cut all my hair off. It was still long for a boy but it will have to do. I put some dirt on my face to look more rugged. When I got out of the bathroom, Lee was gone. She just left me. I felt angry, Stupid Negro, I told myself. Guess daddy was right about something. Walking in Boston is a thrill, all the people, the factories, its just beautiful. I reached a building that said Army wanted, I walked in. The floor was dirty, there wasnt much light. A guy smoking a cigar with a deep wrinkles asked me if I was lost, in my semi-boyish voice I said I wanted to sign up. He laughed and laughed, he put his one hand on his stomach and the other was wiping a tear from his face.

Buddy I dont think you know what youre doing. Wheres your mother? She needs to change your diaper, said Wrinkles I just took in his words for a few seconds tryin to think what would a man say. I put both hands on the table, looked in smack in the eyes and said, I want you to put my freaking name on that list. he just stared at me, everyone did. I didnt think I was that loud. He blinked twice and laughed again, Well kiddo I guess youre the fighting type. Now whats your name? Havin a panic attack I never thought was a mans name to go by, The names Bruce Bruce what? Bruce Watson Okay Mr. Watson, welcome to the Union army. Easy as that. He went on to talk about trainin camp and when it began and all that good stuff. I had the a choice of startin trainin camp in two weeks or tomorrow. I the obvious one. **** Ive been in trainin camp for a month I believe, it feels like years. No one is questionin me or should I say questionin Bruce Watson. The only tough thing about training camp is going to the bathroom, guys can go where ever and I have to wait until night so I can go. Weve been doing a lot fist fighting for training. Im surprisingly good so a little guy. **** First misson. My heart is poundin. The sweat on my forehead is runnin fast than a lion after its prey. We are in Pittsburg. The troops forced the Federals out of their camps and we threatened to overwhelm Ulysses S. Grants entire command. Both sides lost a lot of men. I killed more than I want to remember. I felt like i was in a horror story. There was blood and bodies and limbs everywhere. We captured and killed most confederates. We won the battle of Shiloh, though it feels like a lost, you die yourself in a battle. The things you see are unbearable. This war has been going on for two years and Im in one of the bloodiest battles, now Im second guessing signing Bruce Watson up for the army. The Union lost about 22,000 men on that April morning. We are all

fighting for different reasons, mine is freedom, some is religion, some are forced, and some sign up to dare themselves. **** After the Battle of Shiloh we took the railroad back to the Union. The platoon was falling apart, we need time to gain our strength back before going back in. One old man in the cart kept going on and how we should be thankful for these railroads. He kept saying, God bless the Union. On night the train stop, not a graceful st op a quick stop that flew you out of your seat as if we were side ways. Lt. Daniel yelled at us to get outside and start marching and that we did. The moon shined bright overhead, for april the tree were pretty bare giving them a spooky feeling. Everything was silences. The crickets were on mute, the owls didnt hoot, the wolves didnt howell. Just silence, it was sickening. There was a pit in my stomach felt as if someone stuffed it with rocks like Little Red Riding Hood did to the wolve. My mind was telling my body not to walk, but it wouldnt listen. Every step all I could think about is going back to battle. No, I told myself, we cant be going back we are all out of ammo, wheres our guns, our knives? Were marching right into a trap it felt. The men in front stopped, they didnt say anything they just stopped. Lt. Daniel set fire to tree. Now I was more confused than ever. Squinting my eyes I could see men picking apart a railroad. They wrapped a rail around the burning tree. We did this repeatedly every mile. Funny to think how far people go to make point. When on train cars for days, you talk about the randomest things, like farming or how to play chess. We try to stay away from politics, its a touchy subject. We talked about taxes. Everyone hates them doesnt matter if youre rich or poor, you hated taxes. Lincoln created this tax called income taxes, its the governments way of saying,hey I know youve worked hard for this money but I am gonna take it. Even the president with all the power he has shouldnt be takin money away. Lincoln and Davis took so many lives away in this war alone but they want more and more and more. ***** Its about mid-august and yet again we are preparin for another huge battle. We were sendin 87,000 men. The Union was determined to win Bull Run this time. THe numbers looked good we had everything needed to win.

Frontline. The only thing in my mind is to fight to keep the guy behind me alive and hopefully hes fightin to keep me alive. War buddies are different we dont talk to each other before battle and if we do its about somethin silly like the weather. My platoon is laying low, all leaning against the trees, some guys are praying and some guys just look like they already got shot theyre so scared. Me, Im jus t praying. Saying my last words in a letter. August 28th, day of battle. There was a sickenin feeling in my stomach that was like no other. I felt like I need to retreat that leavin is my only survival . I stupendously ignored the feelin. Just pre-game jitters , I told myself. But if only I had listen to my gut and went awol . The battle lasted for through to the 30th. I lasted through the 29th. We rush out onto the field, Lees army is runnin towards. Everything. Is Slow. I feel as if this would be my last battle, my last fight, and aint gonna go down without swinging. I screamed as I hit the emney came toward me. I pushed my forearms on him knocking him to the ground. I putting my knee on his chest and throwing punch after punch until he stopped moving. When I went to get up and move on with the battle I remember feeling this sharp pain in my stomach, then someone knocked me to the ground and everything went black ***** I woke up shocked, scared, and afraid. The room was full of papers and random things like a dusk globe and empty, it seemed like it was an office at one point. I was in a bed with white sheets covering me. I started panicing, my heart was beating like a drum, my palms were sweatin'. I have to get out of this room, I thought, before my secret is blown. What will my platoon think once the find out I'm not a man, they would send me back to my father, no that can't happen I must leave. As I go to get up pain ran through my body and hits me like a wall of nails. The pain in my stomach was like a burning cigar inside me. I must had made a noise cause this woman and barging through the door "Hush child, you'll only make things worse." She was a stocky woman. Her hands were boney ad looked worn down. She was wearing a bloody apron over her navy blue dress. She also was wearing a red cross on her shirt .Her hair looked liked

she was pulling it out and the deep wrinkles in her face, one could tell she was stressed. "Who are you?" "My name is Clara Barton, I'm your nurse." "Oh I'm fine really I don't need a nurse. See.." I attempted gettin to prove my point but Mrs. Barton held me back. "I know everything little lady, you're a brave little soul, I admire you for that. Now please say here and rest. I won't tell the others about who you are. I'll be back in a while to give you your pills." "Wait! Mrs. Barton! Who won Bull Run?" "Them" I spent the next week healing and laying low. Clara would visit me sometimes, mostly just to give me medicine . I asked Clara why she didnt join the army and her response was., This conflict is one thing I've been waiting for. I'm well and strong and young - young enough to go to the front. If I can't be a soldier, I'll help soldiers..I was amazed about her response, I laid there in the bed. Just thinking. I could stop this whole shraid. I could become a nurse or just give up completely and just work in a factory. I cant give up yet Ive come too far to go back, I owe it to my country and to my war brothers to keep on fighting. The slaves need emancipation, they need rights, the need freedom and Im not going to let them down..he bullet wound in my stomach is healing tremendously. In a few days Ill be healed enough to join the troop. Before I went to war my photo was taken. My face was long and droopy, deep frown lines, even before I went to war I felt the pain of it. The stress of havingto kill an innocent keepin me up at night, lived in the woods for two months for trainin. I do not regret my choice of joinin I was just so young and harmless and I look at myself in the mirror horrified just thinkin of what Ive become. **** It is now September , 1862, once more we are preparin for a battle, a huge

battle. Our trainin has been more intense. Our route changes everyday, Lincoln cant make up his mind on where he wants us to go, either go the long way around the rivers or stay on the coast. Gen. George B. McClellan wants us to march to Maryland and stop Robert E. Lees army from gainin the Unions land. The Union is sending about 70,000 soldiers, its about of our troops. The generals want to wear down the enemy, we will attack after attack after attack . We fought all day long and just when I thought it was over and I was home safe. A minie bullet cut right through my left leg. No words can describe the pain. I fell to the ground instantly, I pretended to play dead so the Confederates wouldnt kill me. Sometimes I wished they did. I fell ground and left my troop, I let them down. Some union troop found me and brought me to a doctor . Now I am one limb less, and Im finally living up to my name, Elien. *** The Army gave me an honorable discharge. I was dropped off at a train station. A short man wearing a long coat, he was holding a notepad . He started asking me questions about the war and other things like how are my writing skills. He later gave me a card with his information on it and he said if I ever needed a job I should contact him. I told him that I will work for him if he could give me a house or something to live in. He started chuckling and said absolutely. He went go get on the train then he turned his head and looked at me, Well are you comin son? I moved as fast as my cane could carry me. We sat in first class. It was so beautiful . He talked more about his work, saying how a soldier would help him a great deal. He was the owner of a newspaper company and he needed stories and I was his man. I debated on telling the truth about me, how Bruce was a lie but I wasnt sure if I could trust him so I kept quiet. We got off in Boston and from there we walked to his apartment. **** December 31st, 1862. Most people are out celebrating but Im hard at work on a story, Ive only been at this job for three months and I have done pretty well for myself. The story that I am working on now is about the final Emancipation Proclamation. The Emancipation Proclamation is freeing all the slaves held by the confederates and emphasizes the enlisting of black soldiers in the Union Army. The war to preserve the Union now becomes a revolutionary struggle for the abolition of slavery. The proclamation wont free any slaves, yet everyone in the is excited its being finalized tomorrow.Lincoln, even though he is president, does not have the
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power to set slaves free in another country. **** July 4th, 1863, a today that is suppose to be celebrated for the birthplace of America is now being celebrated after a Union victory of the Gettysburg battle. Robert E. Lee tried his second attack on Union soil. The battled last July 1at through 3rd. On the second day, the Unions defence was like a fish hook around the South, shooting at them at almost every angle. *** Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth. Abraham Lincoln November 19, 1863 This was the Gettysburg Address, I have a feeling this is going to be one of Lincolns most famous speeches. He talks how he living can honor the dead, if only this was created when I was a soldier cause back then they would just burn the bodies and Lt. Daniel said one time they burnt six people who were actually alive but they found out too late. The Gettysburg Address is reassuring to the members of the Union that this war isnt pointless, that there is still hope . That the government was doing this for the people cause its what the people want *** Vicksburg was just like Gettysburg, another Union victory on July fourth. The confederates surrendered this battle, it wasnt an easy win. The Union had to hold the city with its soldiers and its citizens for 47 days before they gave up.

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**** The war has been going on for five years now. Just when the people thought that there was no end in sight, on January 31st, 1865 the war was over.The congress passed the thirteenth amendment, abolishing slavery. It was passed by the house. Slaves wont be completely free until the entire south surrenders. ****** Battle of Appomattox Court House was fought on April 9th. It was an exciting day for the Union because Robert E. Lee gives up, he surrenders. Praise the Lord we have peace. Lee tried to break through the Union but failed and he had no choice but to give up. But the celebration of Lees defeat was shortly ended.April became the darkest month I can remember, it felt like being shot. The honest, truthful, respected president was gone. He was at a play,American Cousin, when acto r John Booth killed him, later that week John was killed. All the flags are lowered. It was a depressing time in the Union . **** My boss wants me to write a paper about how the south will struggle to get back on its feet. The north blockaded all their imports and exports and they were just stuck. So many towns and cities were destroyed it will take forever to rebuild. Theyre economy is in trouble. The north isnt in that much trouble, we probably would be paying income taxes forever to get rid of the debt .But instead of writing paper about the south I told the truth about me. I said my story not as Bruce Watson but as Sarah Edmonds.

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