27/01/14 SEASONS-CHRIS SKIPPER

Seasons: by Chris Skipper Winter

If the snow fell as hard as I fell for you, it would be hail. The world I built inside my head is a blizzard. I push my way through mountains of snow, near surpassing my height The cold is chilling but the thought of you brings warmth I could die out here. One clumsy misstep will drown me. I look behind me and the blizzard has covered my efforts. It follows me, that storm. I used to think it was menacing, But now I see benevolence. Im probably wasting my time. If I make it out of this frostbitten tundra, would you hold my hand? No I say. You wouldnt. You wont be on the other side of this toil. I know you wont be. I locked the door from whence I came without a glimpse of the path ahead. I threw the key behind me, when my eyes were closed.

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I wanted to take a risk, I didnt know about the blizzard. As I trudge through the snow struggling to reach you, You are on the beach. Splashing in the waves in the summer. But I never will reach you, will I? Because when I reach the beach Your footprints were gone long ago. Now you are walking through a light blanket of snow But there is no hail, no blizzard, and no struggle. Because you never fell. The sand is too hot for my tired feet So I start swimming I dont think Ill ever reach you. But I can try.

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Summer
Looking at you across the lunchroom, I wish it was as simple as you approaching me But I made the gap and now I have to conquer it Fill it, tie it togetherwhatever it takes. I wish I could take back half of the things I said. Maybe then wed have a chance. But you look so happy, and I dont want to mess that up. So as not to be caught staring I turn my gaze to the food in my hand And I keep swimming I wouldnt know if you glanced at me after I looked away But I hope that if you do, I hope you think that the waves are languid,
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And if only they were Maybe my eyes wouldnt sting so much. I dont want you to worry about me. As I put my lunch tray away and start heading to class, I am swimming in riptides And you are building snowmen.

Spring
We are in class together and you are only a few seats away. I wish you were closer because maybe then Id have the courage to talk to you. Maybe then you could forget about before We could dodge the hail together in the winter time. While in this class with you, the world inside my head is torrential It goes through all seasons sometimes all at once
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Sometimes rapidly alternating. My head is almost glitching. Sometimes I hear static as I flicker like a flame But my favorite during this time is spring. Running across a field is a lot easier than trudging snow A lot easier than swimming oceans. The spring in my head brings me confidence It makes me feel like I am free. The birds sing to me and tell me to walk near you, If the seasons dont change I may just say something I get courage during the spring in my head But you arent running across that field with me. I really dont know what season you are in anymore. I just hope I am getting closer to reaching you. The flame is consuming me.

Autumn
Sometimes I would walk down the halls hoping to see you
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Hoping you would see me and smile or say hi Sometimes I would sit in my bed waiting endlessly for a text Such simple moments should mean so much As I walked down the hall I entered my own world in my head The leaves were changing colors There were trees in the hallway Lockers over flooded with leaves I kept walking through the swirling mess in the hallway The leaves all had words written on them. I turned into my classroom and for a second my world was not there But then it is back brighter than ever. The chair at my desk was an iron bench in a park. I stood fixated as the leaves swirled around on the bench and suddenly You were there sitting on the bench and you looked up at me Your eyes were smiling up at me. The leaves with words were falling into the space next to you I wasnt watching them. I couldnt read the words. I stayed gazing at the beauty that is you. I had finally reached you and I had something to say. Inside my world I said it as passionately as a musician plays.
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And then the leaves were gone. The bench was gone. But you were still there. You were sitting there and you were crying. This wasnt my classroom, It was yours. And I really did say what I wanted to say I have always loved you But you werent crying because of that And I didnt know why because I didnt feel anymore. Nobody knew how or why or where I had gotten it I didnt even remember touching it Nobody knew anything was wrong with me On the outside I looked human, maybe lonely I really wish the seasons werent all over now. At the same time I wish they would have ended sooner. Maybe if they had you wouldnt be crying. Maybe if they had you wouldnt have screamed so fiercely Because maybe if they had ended, I wouldnt have pulled the trigger. Im not saying I hated the seasons. I loved them. They brought me strength and courage and perseverance.
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But they also brought me here. Im not sure where I am. There are no seasons here. Its really dark. I wish you were here.

Perpetual Silence
Is it true that when they took my body That they found a leaf beneath my head? Is it true that when my parents entered my room, That they found a box of leaves, Stained with bloodied words unreadable to decay? That seems so long ago. Maybe it was Time is different here But time is a manmade concept and there are no men here There are only monsters
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I feel that one of the reassurances of killing oneself is having people notice you Not in an attention seeking way But in a way that breaks the blind silence People never listen until its too late They wait until the screams are silent to interfere. They are afraid. Im not sure how this dark place works. I was standing in the doorway just like I was before I fell And you were crying and I saw open mouths Maybe they were screaming I couldnt hear anything I saw my body at my feet I saw your teacher next to it. Blood was splattered all over them. Its funny, I didnt see anyone else when I turned into that room. I just saw you. But now I see terror and trauma and chaos I saw people running about, on phones, a large crowd gathered from the noise. I didnt hear any noise.
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I saw the lights and then I saw only dark. That was what I was shown when I asked Hir* where I was Ze* told me that you would have listened I asked when you would get here so that you could Ze* told me you never would But I think I already knew Because I never did reach you And I never will

I SWEAR I TRIED

*gender neutral pronouns: Ze/he/she Hir/him/her

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