List of Potential Titles Grave Reality Plastic Pistols The Reckless In-Crowd High Society Low Lives The

After Party Bloodshed Privilege PREMISE: Four rich Ivy League school students, for whatever reason, pull a heist on a museum and steal a priceless historical object revered by the world. However, the police arrive all too quickly, injuring the getaway and arousing suspicion amongst the group. Rendezvousing at a rented storage garage, the shambling team tries to figure out what went wrong and, more importantly, whos to blame. CAST BAXTER 19, Business major/Getaway Driver FERGUS 19, Humanities major/Armed Robber ELI 22, Arts Management major/Armed Robber and Heist Leader PHILLIP 20, Communications major/Surveillance RAIN 20, the museum front desk clerk/hostage SETTING: A rentable storage garage in an Eastern state town, home to an Ivy League school. TIME: The present spring semester.

(Lights up! Were in a typical, rentable, storage garage. Its large but fairly empty, save for a few cardboard boxes stacked in the corner. There are two doors: one on stage left is the entrance, and the one on stage right connects to a backroom. In the center of this garage are two private college students, BAXTER and FERGUS. BAXTER is on the floor propped up against some boxes, bleeding from a gunshot wound in a panic. FERGUS is standing against the wall. By his side is a mysterious briefcase.) BAXTER: FERGUS: BAXTER: FERGUS: Oh God oh God Im gonna die! Im going to die! Youre not dying. Yes I am! This is it! Im dying! Jesus ChristYoure not dying, Baxter.

BAXTER: Bullshit! Ive been fucking shot, Fergus! Im bleeding out and this fucking Rent-a-Lock storage garage is going to be my goddamn grave! FERGUS: BAXTER: Baxter! Its a goddamn flesh wound! what?

FERGUS: A flesh wound. You fall asleep in bio lectures? For a guy who watches CSI shows you sure dont know shit. Just keep pressure on it and clean it or something. Want a cigarette? BAXTER: FERGUS: BAXTER: Yesthat would be nice. Camels okay? You dont have any menthols?

FERGUS: (aggravated) No the fuck do I look like? An inner city black kid? Buy your own damn menthols. Your dad owns like the entire Gulf of Mexico. Take what youre given. BAXTER: Ugh, fine. I mean, Camels are great and all but they dont buzz me anymore. Guess I built up a tolerance. Know what would really fix me up right now? FERGUS: What?

BAXTER: Drugs. Like anything. You still got some coke from that Alpha Phi Delta party, right? I saw you loaded on something, tweaking out and tonguing, like, the one skinny Asian girl at our college FERGUS: Sorry. Fresh out. Sold it all to that Becky girl. Shes that Art/Painting major, you know, the one with the purple hair? Guess she wanted to trip balls and pretend to be inspired. Imitate fucking Salvador Dali or some surreal shit. Here. (FERGUS pops a cigarette into his mouth, lights it, and then throws the box and lighter to BAXTER who does the same. They take a few drags and unwind.) BAXTER: FERGUS: BAXTER: Can I see it? You want to see it? I would very much like to see it.

FERGUS: See to your hearts content. (He throws to BAXTER a large briefcase, who eagerly opens it) Worth getting shot over? BAXTER: (Marveling at the contents inside) Oh absolutely Hell, with how much this is worth, I wouldve gladly lost a limb! FERGUS: We happy?

BAXTER: Yeah we happy. I cant believe Im even in the same room as it, let alone holding it. Do you know hold old this thing is? Older than our great, great grandfathers! Older than the freaking British Empire! FERGUS: Yeah, I sit next to you in History class, Baxter. I heard the same overly excited lecture from our dumbass professor. BAXTER: Imagine if he never told the class this thing was coming to town at the museum. Youll get extra credit if you go see it! he said boy were kinda screwing some students out of those points. FERGUS: (He looks around anxiously) Shouldnt Phillip be here by now? He was just surveillance! And where the hell is Eli? He was right next to me.

BAXTER: FERGUS: BAXTER:

You dont know? He didnt get into the car with us? You didnt notice there were only two people?

FERGUS: My mind was a little bit overwhelmed with panic. I assume he was not in the car with us? BAXTER: FERGUS: scene. Do you see him here? Please do not tell me you ditched him at the crime

BAXTER: Excuse me for getting shot by the pigs! I didnt exactly want to stick around for seconds! You tend to freak out when you see gallons of your own blood everywhere! FERGUS: Arent getaway drivers supposed to remain calm and composed? BAXTER: Im not a goddamn getaway driver! Im a Business major at a respectable, cushy, Ivy League school! Im supposed to crunch numbers and balance checks, not burn rubber and get shot at! FERGUS: phone) And yet here you are. (He begins dialing Eli on his

BAXTER: Come on Baxter! Dont be a wuss! Weve got this heist all planned out! All you need to do is pull up, pick us up, drive off, and get paid! Gee, with a convincing sales pitch like that, how could I refuse?! FERGUS: Say no? (Has phone to his ear)

BAXTER: Say no to a cut of the profits from a piece of history thats been in the hands of every royal family in history? Id rather take the bullet FERGUS: Which is the outcome you got, so stop complaining. (He hangs up) Shit. Eli isnt picking up. Im trying Phillip. Try not to get blood on that thing. (He dials Phillips number) BAXTER: How the hell are we going to sell this thing? hey, I dont think this blood is stopping.

FERGUS: (Holding phone to ear) Eli knows a guy in Cuba. Black Market ties. Gets his Cuban cigars imported from him. Hush up Im trying to reach Phillip. BAXTER: Christ, Eli and his Cuban cigars. Those things cost how much? Then again, if my dad was a big shot Hollywood producer, it wouldnt even be an issue. I seriously wonder why Eli even organized this job anyway. I mean, the dude is rich. Its not like his parents dont give him free handouts. Well, all of our parents do, right? Sort of the perks of being a legacy child, right? Never have to worry too much about cash in this day and age, but Im sure we all have our reasons for doing this heist. Hey, yknow what? I just realized the Cuban guy wont be much good if Eli is dead or arrested like how are we supposed to contact the gFERGUS: (erupting) Baxter! Be quiet! Close your gate! Bottle up! Hold your tongue! Pipe down! Silencio, por favor! Cease commucications! SHUT. THE FUCK. UP. (holds phone to ear) Yes hi, Phillip well, who the fuck do you think it is? Its Fergus. Whats your location? Why are you taking the back alleys? That adds like a forty minute walk! Ugh, fine. Hide from the cops like a pussy. Any word from Eli? He got surrounded by the police? Dammit! Ha! Yeah, thanks to the worlds shittiest getaway driver! BAXTER: Oh low blow.

FERGUS: Wait, why the hell are you taking the alleys? You were on the building opposite the museum! No one saw you with us! Oh just get here ASAP! (He hangs up. The two sit in silence for a second) BAXTER: So hows Phil-

FERGUS: TRE-FUCKING-MENDOUS. Hes taking the most assbackwards route imaginable, but our competent surveillance man is walking alive and free. Classic Phillip. BAXTER: (dizzily) Is he still dating that Shelley girl? Because well, yknow if he doesnt make it here, dyou think it would be appropriate to-

FERGUS: Baxter, were going to play a game! Its called Lets Be Quiet as Humanly Possible! Ready? BAXTER: yknowFERGUS: BAXTER: FERGUS: BAXTER: Sorry. I think Im delusional. Lost a lot of blood, Set! Do we have Prozac? Prozacs still a thing right? GO!(rushed) I need help.

(They wait in uncomfortable silence. They dwindle thumbs or smoke. Suddenly and very abruptly, the door flies open and RAIN, a nerdy clerk, is thrown to the floor by someone offstage. FERGUS and BAXTER scream and curse continuously [may be best to ad lib]. RAIN looks up and screams with them. FERGUS grabs his gun and pistols whips RAIN and kicks him in the stomach, all while BAXTER encourages him. ELI enters shortly after, splattered in blood.) BAXTER: Eli!

ELI: Fellas. (He tosses his pistol to the side carelessly, exhausted) FERGUS: Well youre covered in a sufficient amount of blood. Is it all yours? ELI: Oh this? Nah. I had to dispatch a few officers to make it here. BAXTER: How many?

ELI: Lost track after the third. The adrenaline rush overwhelmed my senses. Blacked out. Found like a bunch of their badges in my pocket though. Guess I was taking them as trophies. FERGUS: How the hell did you escape?

ELI: Stole a squad car. Drove it into the side of a CVS three blocks away. Mustve gotten here on foot. BAXTER: Wow! did you grab any pain killers from the pharmacy?

FERGUS: Hold up. Im pretty sure they can track cop cars. What if they find the car, sweep the area, and find us? ELI: I set it ablaze. Man, ever seen a car explode? Goddamn, the movies are way off. Still pretty awesome though. FERGUS: So now instead of tracing a stolen cop car driven by a murderous thief, they can now follow the exploded cop cars smoke and the blood trails! Why the fuck did you not quit while you were arguably ahead?! ELI: Yknow, I had already committed one felony, so I thought well shit! Why stop now? God damn, what a rush! I got the shakes! Lifes a fucking party right now! BAXTER: To be fair, Eli never knows when to stop. Remember last semesters party at Craig Hoyzwicks apartment, when the kegs were lined up and heFERGUS: Shut the fuck up, Baxter.

BAXTER: Right. Sorry. Blood loss so whos he? (points to RAIN, who is cowering on the floor) ELI: Just a hostage. Had to have a meat shield to get out.

FERGUS: Kidnapping too! Oh wonderful! Lets blow up a goddamn orphanage while were at it! ELI: I had to do what was necessary to ensure my wellbeing! If I had an escape vehicle ready, maybe I wouldnt have had to hulk out! BAXTER: (raises hand) My baaaaad. Got shot. Wanna see? Its super red. ELI: way? FERGUS: At least we got out with the payload. Phillips on the Hes pussyfooting, but en route.

ELI: Good. Time to tie up loose ends. Fergus, be a darling and put down Ol Goober.

FERGUS: (aims gun at Rain, who obeys the demands) Alright, get on your feet! Hands on your head. Dont try any stunts or youll be Switz cheese. RAIN: Swiss cheese, you mean right?

FERGUS: This is not the day to make an enemy! (facepalms) Oh God, Ive been saying it wrong all my life. BAXTER: Dont feel bad. My aunt does this thing where she constantly calls Alzheimers Alltimers, which aggravates me to no end, because no matter how often we correct herFERGUS: Baxter, shut up.

ELI: Hes the front desk clerk at the museum. Grabbed the nearest guy after I saw Fergus book it with the goods. FERGUS: RAIN: FERGUS: RAIN: ELI: RAIN: name. Okay (he checks Rains name tag) Your name is Rain? (embarrassed sigh) Yeah The shit kind of name is that? My parents were hippies. You poor bastard. Just go easy on it, all right? Im sensitive about my

FERGUS: Least of your concerns right now, Moonbeam. Who tipped you guys off? RAIN: What?

ELI: I think what my partner-in-crime is asking is: why were the cops swarming the place the second we touched the valuables? (holds up the briefcase) BAXTER: Now that you mention it, they did respond really fast. Good thing Phillip radioed us a warning. RAIN: Look, I dont know! My managers handle all of that legal stuff, man! Im just an intern!

ELI: Ugh, I need to fill out internship applications by Friday. Theres a spot open for a curators assistant that would be great for my Arts Management degree. FERGUS: Focus please, Eli.

ELI: Wait, can we not use names in front of the hostage? What if he leaks the information? RAIN: BAXTER: RAIN: FERGUS: RAIN: BAXTER: RAIN: (points and names everyone) Baxter. Eli. Fargus. Fergus. Fergus, sorry. Yeah, youre definitely not leaving here alive. What?! God, were amateurs! Ho boy, Im dizzy Can we talk about this?!

FERGUS: Not really. Look at this from our perspective, Flower Child: we let you live and you go to the feds, tell em our names, that were students at the ONLY college in this city, holed up in a storage garage, then we get busted and you get your picture in the paper and a day named after you. Not exactly a fair trade. RAIN: BAXTER: ELI: I wont tell, I promise! Trust me! I dunno. We dont exactly know you. We got to know each other in a criminal bonding way.

FERGUS: Then you can do the honors. Im going to get ahold of Phillip again. Wait here. (exits) RAIN: Oh Jesus

(ELI stands awkwardly, unsure what to do and searching for something.) BAXTER: ELI: Well? Forgot where I put my gun.

BAXTER:

Borrow Fergs.

ELI: And how would that make me look? A moocher and an irresponsible gun owner. RAIN: ELI: RAIN: Im all for not getting killed, if my vote matters. It doesnt. Fair enough.

BAXTER: Eli, this is a real situation! Just take his gun and shoot the hippie lovechild! RAIN: That wont make the situation any better!

BAXTER: Yes it will! We wont have to babysit a whiny beatnik, and he gets a free ticket to the afterlife; liberated from this terrible world, WHERE SHIT LIKE THIS HAPPENS. ELI: thing? RAIN: ELI: BAXTER: RAIN: ELI: RAIN: ELI: RAIN: (looking around) Seriously, where did I put that How did guys like you get ahold of guns? God bless America. (wincing) Oh shit, exertion hurts. Do I at least get a last request? Is it going to be please dont shoot me? no. You liar. (spots his gun, picks it up) FOUND IT. Worth a try, right? (sheepish laugh)

ELI: Not really, you clichd fuck. Whats your favorite body part? Im shooting you there first. RAIN: BAXTER: RAIN: ELI: Okay! Okay! Can I make my real request? I dunno. I think youve lost that right. Can I ask you guys a question? (sighs) Fine. Go on. Shoot sorry, that was tasteless.

RAIN: (rapidly thinking) Uh, um How do you guys know it wasnt you guys? ELI: What? Form a coherent sentence, you fucking pot head.

RAIN: Like, how do you not know Fergus or Baxter or or the other one wasnt in with the police? How do they know you didnt set them up? (ELI and BAXTER freeze. They look at each other.) ELI: My guess is Fergus.

BAXTER: Totally! I mean, his name is Fergus! Thats like some Irish cop name right? ELI: RAIN: sure. Hm. Thats all the evidence I need. Thats the weakest reasoning Ive ever heard, but

ELI: Whoa, is a hippie talking about reasoning? Im sorry; dont you have a tie-dye shirt to make? Fergus has been acting pretty goddamn suspicious if you ask me. Look, hes making private phone calls, ditching me at the scene, and is generally being a massive douchebag. Its kind of obvious its Fergus. (FERGUS enters) FERGUS: Lo, what dull tones bring a fire to my ears?

(ELI immediately aims his gun on FERGUS, who doesnt even flinch.) FERGUS: ELI: FERGUS: ELI: FERGUS: BAXTER: RAIN: I love you too. You got a wire on you or something, Ferg? Dentist took it out years ago. Haha okay smartass. Are you wearing a wire? Why the fuck would I wear a wire? Because youre a mole for the cops! Based on your name, apparently.

FERGUS: BAXTER: FERGUS: BAXTER: FERGUS:

Baxter, are you still bleeding out? Yeeeeah You didnt wrap it up, did you? Nooo So Baxters insane.

ELI: Oh for fucks sake. Hey, Deadhead, take Baxter into the backroom and make sure he doesnt die on us. I dont want two corpses to deal with (looks at FERGUS) maybe three? RAIN: any way! What am I supposed to do? Im not medically trained in

FERGUS: Youre letting the hostage treat our friend? Nothing bad can come from this, surely. ELI: (points gun at RAIN) YOU! DO YOUR BEST! (points gun at FERGUS) YOU! LOSE THE GUN AND TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT! FERGUS: Not even a dinner and a movie?

(RAIN slings BAXTERS arm over his shoulder and helps him walk off stage right. FERGUS calmly places his gun on the floor and kicks it over to ELI. ELI picks up FERGUSS gun and puts it in his back pocket.) ELI: FERGUS: Take. Off. Your. Shirt. Im flattered but-

ELI: Fergus, if you do not take off your shirt, the best outcome is you losing your kneecaps. FERGUS: Okay, but dont tell your friends I do this for every guy. (He takes off his shirt. ELI pats him down) Hey, no tickling. ELI: FERGUS: BAXTER: Shut up. No wire give me your phone. Excuse me? (off) He said to give him yourShut up Baxter!

FERGUS & ELI:

BAXTER: (off) Remember that time Phillip dropped his phone in the Palm Springs golf course lake? Shit was hilarious! Classic Phillip, always dropping stuff RAIN: BAXTER: ELI: (off) I dont think this is a flesh wound! (off) I feel my liver twitching. Let me check your recent calls.

FERGUS: Jesus, Eli. You really think I snitched on a heist I helped organize and even fucking participated in? (holds up the suitcase) We were in this together. We both needed the money as much as anyone! BAXTER: (off) All the more reason to do it!

ELI: That doesnt make sense! (deep breath) If youre innocent, you have nothing to fear. Let me see the phone. FERGUS: Cant say Im innocent after all this. Here. Take it, you asshole. (Tosses him his phone) ELI: (goes through FERGUSS phone, then pauses) dude, have you been texting my sister? FERGUS: ELI: FERGUS: me. Shes hot. Shes like half your age! Eighteen is not half my age. Shes in the grade below

ELI: Still, Ferg its the principle! Boundaries. Bro code violation. FERGUS: Whatever. Has the jury found me not guilty?

ELI: Seeing as your only outgoing calls are to my sister were at a maybe. However, your attitude towards this whole fucked up scenario has been really goddamn unsympathetic and carefree. Seems like a front. FERGUS: Look whos fucking talking! At least my excuse is that Im in a state of intense shock and the grave reality of the situation hasnt settled in yet.

ELI: Are you being sarcastic right now? I cant tell if youre serious or not. FERGUS: ELI: Would I fucking joke about this? Kinda. Youre one of those guys.

FERGUS: How are you so damn sure that Baxter isnt the informant, or Phillip aka Mr. Wires and Radars? Both are just as likely as I am! Shit, how do I know you didnt set us up? ELI: FERGUS: ELI: Did that shock fuck with your head? Yes! Why would I sabotage my own heist!

FERGUS: Youre an Art major! You dont think fucking straight! Maybe you thought you could bump us off and take the bag for yourself! One hundred percent profit all for you! ELI: So why would I trust you to grab and run with the bag and escape first? FERGUS: (searching) So I got to it first. Maybe you didnt want that. Your plan went wrong! ELI: FERGUS: ELI: FERGUS: ELI: FERGUS: ELI: FERGUS: I murdered like ten cops! the plan went REALLY wrong. Youre retarded. So why not accuse Baxter? The guy was shot by the police! Accidents happen. Big fucking accident! Accident nonetheless

ELI: Cops wouldnt pick the goddamn getaway driver for a nark! Nor would they stick a civilian in the line of fire!

FERGUS: Well they shot at me too, you know. So it had to be Phillip! Hes been missing for an hour. Hes probably tipped off our hideout! ELI: Maybe. Cops wouldve been here by now or even before we got here though, right? FERGUS: Then how in all that is good and holy on this shit stain planet did they bust us so quickly! ELI: Isnt that the question of the day? We cant be sure of Phil until he gets here. (RAIN enters carrying BAXTER overarm again. He sits BAXTER down.) RAIN: Uh the bleedings slowed down. Hes lost a lot of blood though. He should see a hospital BAXTER: Imagine how many cookies Id get for all this! (shows off his bloody hands and shirt) ELI: Holy shit, youre a mess.

FERGUS: Youre as pale as those hipsters who hang outside the Theater hall. BAXTER: FERGUS: ELI: Hipster? No, Im a Business major! He needs a doctor. Eli, we have to get him help. Yeah no.

RAIN: I could take him if you wa- (ELI points his gun at RAIN) okay FERGUS: Why is he still alive again?

BAXTER: He tricked us or something. Played brother against brother but none of us are brothers. ELI: RAIN: Well, no time like the present. Oh come on!

(ELI pulls out FERGUSS gun from his pocket and hands it to FERGUS. Both of them point the guns at RAIN, who recoils in

fear. Suddenly PHILLIP makes his entrance unexpectedly. ELI and FERGUS spin around in a panic and hold PHILLIP at gunpoint. PHILLIP raises his hands.) PHILLIP: Is this a bad time?