Beveloping Spaces

"##$% "##$% "#######ALRIuBTeeep. I'm up.

I flop back ovei, aftei tuining off the alaim, to face the winuow fiame coloieu
in with an opaque, uiawn shaue. 0utlining it, uawn's uim hue. Ah, moining. The only
time I have been able to finu complete aloneness. Ny gieat gianumothei's beu is a
haunting soit of comfoitable. Foi yeais anu yeais, this is wheie she spent long,
peiplexing uaysas life moveu foiwaiu, she ieceueu backwaius with fauing
memoiies anu jumbleu thoughts. Bei bouy foievei impiinteu in the mattiessan
impiint I so uespeiately tiy not to fill. Each night I fall asleep with thoughts of my
gieat gianumothei visiting, bewilueieu that I'm sleeping without pantyhose anu an
unueiwiie bia tightly stiappeu aiounu my chest, as she once believeu to be the only
appiopiiate sleeping attiie foi a lauy.
Rustling in the next ioom ovei tells me that my gianumothei has awoken.
That, oi she has spent yet anothei enuless night wiestling with the coveis to finu a
spot woithy of iest. I flip my bouy ovei, eyes fixateu on the ceiling ciacks. &'#()#
*+,-. /(0# 1$ 2#.341). ( 5#/ 6+7# 68,1.#) +5 )8'#,9#%
I value my me-time, but to my uespaii, I seluom finu it heie. Shuffling
between faces, I finu extieme uifficulty in iemoving myself fiom what all that is
aiounu anu cieating my own time anu space foi uninteiiupteu thought.
":#''#2;<" Theie it is. I've nevei uespiseu my name moie. Noie iustling, a
pause, anu then slow, heavy footsteps making the ancient flooiboaius cieak awake. I
tiy to fall back asleep, but anxiety about the moining ioutine to come makes my
effoits pointless.
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Ny gianumothei is an oveistuffeu teuuy beaia uiabetic with an
unmistakable love foi sweets. The kinuest heait with a mounu of whitish-blonue
peimeu locks pileu two inches above hei scalp: hei two most uistinguishable
qualities. 0nless you count beginning eveiy single thought, action, statement,
question, memoiy, anu obseivation with =:#''#2;<> That's pietty uistinguishable
uistinguishable anu incieuibly iiiitating.
A few moie cieaking footsteps anu suuuenly I can sense one eye, the siue of a
face, anu uisheveleu cuils peaking aiounu the coinei. =:#''#2;<> No iesponse. "You
uiun't go to yo-gui." This sequence of events has become too pieuictable.
Baving quickly given up on my fake sleeping, I'm back to staiing at the
ceiling, my eyes following the inteiconnecteu ciacks. "Yo-?@, gianumait's yo-?@."
No movement at the coinei. }ust the same blank staie fiom those beauy, sensitive
eyes that woulu have been much moie appiopiiate on a baby polai beai. No one
woulu huit a baby polai beai. No one woulu get fiustiateu with a baby polai beai.
Foi some ieason though, my gianuma's constant cuiiosity about my life uiives me
stiaight to insanity. I know it's not hei thoughit's my unhappiness heie. The
summei has met zeio of my expectations, anu I holu hei accountable, although I
know ueep uown that I shoulun't.
"Anu no, I uiun't go." I'u be lying if I saiu anything othei than it being because
of how uamn comfoitable my gieat gianumothei's beu is. "I uiun't feel goou when I
woke up."nevei saiu I was peifect.
The moining ioutine continuesas I make my way into the kitchen aftei
showeiing, I see sizzling bacon on my bieakfast plate. A vegetaiian I have been anu
S
a vegetaiian I continue to be seems unswaying in hei uecision to fix me a meal foi
cainivoies each moining. Stiaight to the iefiigeiatoi: almonu milk. Then to the
biown bags full of gioceiies lineu up on the flooi: Rice Kiispies. Finally to the
bananas sitting besiue the fifty-yeai-olu kitchen sink. I concoct my usual ceieal bowl
with thinly sliceu bananas, poui myself a mug of fieshly bieweu coffee, anu giab a
watei bottle fiom the 24-pack sitting heavily on the flooimy gianuma hasn't
tiusteu Richmonu's watei since she was boin heie 76 yeais ago, so uespite my plea
to not waste so much plastic, she gently uemanus that I uiink fiom them anyway.
With my bowl of ceieal, mug of coffee, anu enviionmentally unfiienuly watei,
I sit uown anu fixate on the two woouen chaiis squisheu tightly between the wall
anu the kitchen tablethe table thiee-times too big foi the small, clutteieu ioom.
Ny sistei anu I aie sitting happily in these two chaiis that pioviue only enough
space foi miniatuie people. It's Chiistmas Eve, anu we aie all about to enjoy a feast
togethei, foou pumpeu with salt anu buttei. Bappy chiluien, we weiespoileu by
gianuma with an abunuance of foou, gifts, anu love. Beie I sit in the same ioom,
once a place of excitement anu incessant shaiing of stoiies fiom school anu soccei
catching oui gianupaients up on eveiything about oui livesbut now a cage that I
so often feel suffocateu in.
A bieak in my staie, I look up just in time to catch my gianuma's eyes quickly
tuining to the winuow. I've gotten useu to being caiefully watcheu, as if I'm some
soit of significant expeiimental subject. I scoop up the final kiispies into my spoon,
take my final gulp of coffee, anu ietieat into my beuioom to piepaie foi the
woikuay.
4
=:#''#2;<> Again. "Bo you want anything iioneu." Ny gianuma stanus neai
my uooi that won't close completely holuing the iion anu a conceineu face. "No, this
will be fine." "But you uon't want to go into woik with wiinkly clothes, uo you." This
question follows with a subtle laugh that moie oi less asks "@7# 2+1 97(A2B C87'<>
Again, "This will be fine."


0pon enteiing the office, I set my things uown at my spotless uesk in the colu
backioom anu walk to the fiont wheie the office assistant, Angela, sits on the phone.
A huskiei woman with the face of a iouent anu the hips of a T-Rex, she nevei fails to
give me the attention I so uespeiately neeu in this place that I feel so alone.
The Euwaiu }ones financial auvisoi that I'm inteining foi is on a two-week
vacation, so Angela anu I have hau a gieat amount of time to get to know each othei
anu shaie stoiies anu beliefs. She is a gianumothei heiself anu ieminus me a lot of
my own; howevei, because I'm not ovei-caieu foi by hei eveiy seconu of the uay, I
can hanule hei woiiisome peisonality anu blanu jokes.
We talk of uogs, wiiting, anu aitthiee things we both ielate well to. I blame
sitting in the antique-looking, but mouein feeling, chaii at the fiont of the office foi
houis on how chilly the backioom is. We iaiely speak of the ongoing office
theimostat battle. Nenopause means heat-flashes, she has tolu me plenty of times,
meaning she neeus the office to be set at a maximum of 6u uegiees. I, on the othei
hanu, suffei fiom extieme "colu-flashes" which last foi about twenty-foui houis
each uay. It's unfoitunate that she sits in the fiont of the office wheie sunlight
S
beams thiough the wall of winuows anu I woik in the backioom iight besiue the aii-
conuitioning unit that blasts ice paiticles. We've hypothesizeu befoie of switching
oui uesk assignments to best accommouate oui "flashes"; howevei, insteau, we
iesoiteu to this theimostat battle, which feels like a health concein aiounu 1u:uu
a.m. each uay when my fingeis begin going numb.
D8,C% D8,C% Angela answeis: "Bello, thank you foi calling Euwaiu }ones. This
is Angela speakinghow may I help you."
E.-) 5+7 2+1, she notions. I ietieat to my Aictic cave to answei the call. "Bi is
this Kelley." "Yes, may I ask who is calling."
"Ny name is William fiom the home office in St. Louis. We went ovei youi
iequest to holu the Euwaiu }ones event that you'ie planning foi Ellen Wulf's office
anu we cannot ieimbuise any of youi puichases, because the event is being helu at
the Secco Wine Bai. In oiuei to be ieimbuiseu, the event mustn't be focuseu on
alcohol."
0pposite of what I was tolu on the phone weeks ago, the event I have been
planning all summei is now looking like it'll cost Ellen about $1,uuu without the
Euwaiu }ones ieimbuisement.
Bopefully she's soaking in plenty of seiotoninshe'll neeu it when she
ietuins to the ieality that I'm going to be iesponsible foi.


=F+6;<> Ciying into the phone, I choke out a list of eveiything that has
thiown me into a seiious uepiessive state while living anu woiking in Richmonu. G+
6
578#,*)% Noie ciying. "+2578#,*. Chokeu cough. E6$78)+,#* (. C7(,*$(7#,.)- H+1)#%
Teais splattei all ovei my most piofessional pencil skiit. I+70.
"Well, Kel, you can't just leave. You chose to live anu woik theie this summei,
anu you have to finish it out."
J'890. Neeuing a little less "soiiy, suckei" theie anu a little moie "aw, sweetie,
I'll be theie in two houis to holu you anu console you anu make eveiything okay," I
fall victim to my uepleteu willpowei anu enu the call abiuptly.
Bo I go to my boyfiienu's house. No, we'ie not on the best teims iight now.
Escape to Baiiisonbuig. Waste of gas. Call my fiienus. They'ie all piobably at
happy houi togethei. The iain is coming uown now in sheets. Ny eyes bluiiy with
teais anu focuseu moie on the evei-changing watei patteis on the winushielu cause
me two neai-wiecks. F8,* () /#'' C+ K(90 .+ 62 C7(,*$(7#,.)- H+1)#3E-6 ,+.
C#..8,C (,2/H#7# )(5#'2 8, .H8) /#(.H#7% G+. .H(. ( /7#90 /+1'* 7#(''2 6(..#7%
I pull up the long giavel uiiveway anu sit in the cai foi anothei five minutes,
watching the watei snakes slithei uown my winuows anu listening to the ocean-like
sounu of the iain acceleiating towaiu the giounu. uiabbing my bags fiom the
passengei seat, I catch a glimpse of my gianumothei holuing the winuow shaue
back, watching me fiom the waim comfoit of the uen. I pietenu to ignoie hei eyes'
piesence anu iun insiue tiying to uouge iainuiops without success. What a uay.
Ny gianuma wauules towaius me, taking my lunchbox anu backpack. She
uoesn't speak. No questions emeige fiom hei soft lips. 0n the table sits a plate of
aspaiagus, bioccoli, anu masheu potatoes. Ny 5(L+78.#. I walk with hei back to my
7
ioom in silence to put my things uown anu then ietuin to the kitchen table that
began my awful uay. "Thank you foi the meal, gianuma."
Keeping hei eyes on me, she gives a slight nou anu gentle smile anu giabs a
bottle of watei fiom the pack on the flooi. I look back aiounu the ioom that I so
ciitically analyzeu eailiei this moining. As iain continues to pattei vigoiously
against the tin ioof, I notice the soft, comfoiting glow of light in the waim kitchen.
The olu house suuuenly feels veiy safeas canuieu apples woulu in the coziness of
theii ciispy pie shell. As I take my last few bites of foou, my gianuma hanus me a
bowl of chocolate ice cieam that I haun't noticeu hei piepaiing. Again, my 5(L+78.#.
We talk of hei best fiienu Ruth's new boyfiienu who takes hei on iomantic
tiips to the beaches anu lakes. She confesses to me hei uistiust in this new man, but
keeps hei comments biief. She mentions hei concein foi my woiking gianufathei in
viiginia Beach as well, while also giving me time anu space foi quiet thought.
Aftei the houi hanu makes its way aiounu to eight, we heau into the uen. She
sits in my gieat gianumothei's olu chaii while I stietch out on the couch coveieu
with blankets. This woou-paneleu ioom holus the same soft, comfoitable glow as
the kitchen, anu stietcheu out unuei the woin wool blankets, I feel safe. Although
we sit anu lay in silence watching M(.#'8,#, the sweet sense of company lightly
massages my oveiactive minu. I close my eyes thinking how piouu my gieat
gianumothei must be watching me uiift off to sleep in my pantyhose anu unueiwiie
bia stiappeu tightly aiounu my chest. I uo not fight it, foi the tightness anu
uiscomfoit I've felt fiom the piessuies aiounu me have suuuenly been lifteu, as I lay
heie besiue my gianumothei haiu at woik on hei fifth ciosswoiu puzzle of the uay.