Lisa Catanoso - Family Interview Paper HD FS 418

It is no mystery that single parent families have a negative reputation. Single parents are more susceptible to lower socioeconomic status, spending less time with their children, and higher levels of stress (Countermine). This is because the majority of single parents studied are either divorced or have produced a child out of wedloc . These particular circumstances in themselves seem cause the susceptibilities single parents are constantly at sta e for. ! parent in an unhappy marriage that leads to divorce is surely going to spend less time with their children, especially if they are not the custodial parent. "urther, a woman who bears a child out of wedloc at an early age is, more li ely than not, going to face unemployment and other low socioeconomic conditions without the support of a spouse. #hat happens if a someone is in neither of these situations and happens to face single parenthood$ %arents who have had a spouse pass away create a whole new category of single parents. ! marriage not bro en by choice, but by death forces the remaining parent to face parenthood alone. These widowed parents may or may not go through similar trials and tribulations of the single parents described above. &nfortunately, there has been little research done on this population ('la(er). )owever, what is certain is that these particular parents have a uni*ue story to share. +y mother is single parent , not by choice. She was widowed ten years ago and left to raise my sister and I by herself. )er husband and my father passed away from a - month long battle with brain cancer. I interviewed my mother for this assignment because she fits the population of single parents I am curious about. I conducted an interview with her through the phone. I e,mailed her the *uestions I would be as ing her ahead of time so that she would have time to thin about her answers and not be overwhelmed in the moment. I created the majority of the *uestions myself, but also used *uestions as ed to single parents in the empirical study %arenting !fter the .eath of a Spouse.

Lisa Catanoso - Family Interview Paper HD FS 418

I first as ed my mom what her education level and occupation was. She said, /I have 0 years of college. I was a stay at home mom for both of my childrens1 lives until recently. I am now a server for ban*uets and weddings.2 I then delved into more insightful *uestions. I as ed my mom when she became a widow and how she grieved. She said, /I became a widow .ecember 3-, 0445. !t that time, I had great sadness and emptiness. I had a void in my life. 6ut I had to deal with it on my own. It was difficult struggle everyday... 6ut I had the will to be happy and that1s how I survived it all. 6ut at that time, you are just living step by step, day by day. I found my inner peace and acceptance by watching my children grow. I had to go on for them.2 I as ed her what it was li e to be parent when her husband was dying. She replied, /It was hell. 7ou have to do the best you can do when the worst is thrown on your plate. I was in reality of the situation when it was all happening. 6ecause of that, my situation was easier to live through. 6ut it was still difficult... I was up all night ta ing care of my husband and then had to get my ids ready for school. There was a lot of overwhelming emotions. I was just trying to do my best to carry out my responsibilities with my husband and children. I was trying to ma e a situation that wasn1t normal as normal as possible. It was the hardest thing I ever went through in my life. +y husband always told me when he was dying that life goes on, so that helped me transition from being a parent with him to being a parent without him.2 I then as ed her what she thin s has changed in her parenting since her husband1s passing. She said. /6efore my husband died, I thin I was more of the parent he wanted me to be. )e more or less called the shots of what my children could or could not do. )e was more involved in their lives but after he died I became the involved one. 8ow as a parent, I1m easier (not that I let my ids get away with anything9) 6ut I do, within reason, want to please my

Lisa Catanoso - Family Interview Paper HD FS 418

children, and give them as much happiness as I can because their father isn1t here. I have such a deep love for my children, they are my number one priority. I have a love and bond I have never dreamed of with my children. I also became more independent. I only answer to myself and no one else.2 8e:t, I as ed her in what ways she felt she was filling her spouses shoes. She answered, /"inancially. +a ing ends meet. "ulfilling his (and both our) dreams for his children (going to college, going to %enn State) and building a foundation for them. I accepted the responsibility of ma ing it all wor .2 #hen as ed what is the most challenging aspect of her single parenthood now, she gave a similar answer. She said, /;ust ma ing sure everything wor s accordingly for our needs. "or e:ample my youngest wants to go to grad school and I want to ma e sure I can support her.2 To further investigate her parenting, I as ed my mother *uestions about the relationship with her children. I first as ed her how she thin s her children are effected by her single parenting and if they ta e advantage or wor with her. She answered, /+y children wor with me. They don1t ta e life for granted. They are very sensible with their choices in their life. They now my limits. <i e my youngest wanted to go to <atvia to volunteer at an orphanage and there was no way I was up for her to do that. There is war going on near there. They now I need them to be safe or forget it. They respect my thin ing and they ta e that into account when ma ing choices. They have definitely done a lot more than other ids, so my single parenting has impacted them positively.2 The second *uestion I as ed was how her parenting differed between her two children. She replied, /+y second child had more challenges for me. She was an active child and ept me busy so she helped me get through the healing process *uic er. She was by herself with me being a single parent since she was twelve. She has spent more time with me

Lisa Catanoso - Family Interview Paper HD FS 418

than my older child after my husband1s passing. I feel that I have a very, very strong bond with her. She is more sensitive, has stronger emotions, and very lovable. +y first child was older when my husband died. She left and went to college, and wasn1t home with me. 6ecause she wasn1t around, and she was older, I didn1t get to give her as much affection and cater to her as much. She has a somewhat colder personality because of this. She is tough on the outside and once you crac her, she is sweet. The communication is different with her too. +y younger one reads me right away and nows everything about me, but my older one I have to tell my feelings, and tell her more my emotions and e:plain things so she can understand. She always needs a follow up or to be reminded whereas my younger one doesn1t.2 8e:t, I as ed my mom about support she has received through family and friends , or the community. She said, /There was different people at different times for when I needed help. .uring the bli((ard in 0434 it was my daughter1s friends families who helped us. #hen I needed to get my oldest to school, my brother helped me. I grew in different ways with different people. I lived really through my ids and 'od. I didn1t really have a best friend to help me through this. I never attended any support groups. They are too sad. I just need to eep going on in life for my children.2 I then as ed her what the most important relationship she had was. She answered, /#ith my children without a doubt. Its more valuable than anything in my life.2 The final *uestion I as ed my mom was if she she gained something from being a single parent. She said, /I1m free, joyful and happy and I have the greatest love of my daughters. I also learned that you are capable of doing more in your life than you ever thought you can do. It is something you can1t describe unless you live it.2

Lisa Catanoso - Family Interview Paper HD FS 418

!ccording to the study %arenting !fter the .eath of a Spouse, there are five major themes a widowed parent goes through in dealing with the process of becoming a single parent ('la(er). The first theme is how the parent grieves the loss of their spouse. In the study, parents admitted to being the victim of an /all,consuming depression2 and how the situation was /overwhelming2 ('la(er). +y mother can identify with these emotional e:periences. !s stated earlier, she said she was /filled with great sadness2 and struggled from day to day. )owever, unli e the parents in the study, my mother had the driving will to stay happy and not hit any major low points. The second theme a widowed parent goes through is a change in parenting style. The majority of parents in the study admitted to being /more rela:ed2 and /less stringent2 ('la(er). +y mother can identify with this theme because she sees herself as an /easier2 parent than her husband. "urther, the answers of the parents in the study infer that because of their easier parenting persona, their children are more responsible in their emotional regulation. =ne parent says, /I have given my ids that you are responsible for you. This is the choice you1ve made and these are the conse*uences2 ('la(er). +y mother can identify with this inference because she mentions that her children are aware of her limits. She goes on to say that /they are sensible in their choices.2 The third theme one goes through is ta ing the role of the deceased parent. The study tal s about how widowed parents, li e single parents who have had children out of wedloc or are divorced, have to ta e on two parental roles. %arents in the study stated that filling their spouses shoes was a challenge and they didn1t now how to fulfill that job ('la(er). Some parents stated that certain tas s or hobbies that their children participated in were always ta en care of by the other spouse ('la(er). +y mother identifies with this theme because she said that she is trying to ma e ends meet financially, which is something her husband too responsibility

Lisa Catanoso - Family Interview Paper HD FS 418

for. She also said that she filled his role by becoming more involved with her children, which is something that he used to do. The fourth theme widowed parents go through is obtaining support through family and friends. >ssentially widowed parents feel /there is a tug between wanting others there to help and nowing you have to go through this yourself2 ('la(er). %arents stated that even if they did receive outstanding support from family and friends, they reali(ed that there were just somethings those people couldn1t help with. Contrary to the previous three themes, my mother claimed that she did not receive constant support from family and friends. She mentioned that some people helped her, but she really faced everything herself. %erhaps the support system she found was spiritual in nature, as she mentioned her belief in 'od. The final theme one goes through is obtaining support from groups. +any widowed parents attend a support group or small community where they share in common with others the loss of a loved one ('la(er). %arents in the study stated that their support groups provided a good outlet that ma es you /feel you1re not alone in the thoughts you thin and the feelings you feel2 ('la(er). This theme was not consistent with my mother and her widowing process. #hen as ed about support groups she claimed that they are /too sad2 and she needed to / eep going on in life.2 This state of mind may have been influenced by her husband. I write this because earlier in the interview she told a story about her dying husband always driving home the phrase /life goes on.2 This empirical study went on to mention a few more points that I believed resonated with my mother1s interview. "irst, the article stated that /relationships between parents and children seem, in general, to become stronger in adverse conditions2 ('la(er). +y mother1s interview is a

Lisa Catanoso - Family Interview Paper HD FS 418

testimony to this statement. She mentions numerous times how great the love and how strong the bond is between her and her two children. In fact her love is so strong that she says that the relationship she has with her children is the most important relationship she has in her life. This belief of hers contradicts a finding in the article that claims /parents believe the most important relationship they have is with themselves2 ('la(er). I believe that my mother stands out from the parents in this study because of her selfless devotion to ma e her children1s lives as happy as possible given the circumstances. She even mentions that they are her /number one priority.2 "inally, the study states that /midlife widows struggle emotionally, and financially. )owever widows identify with themes of resiliency2 ('la(er). +y mother did admit that she had financial and emotional challenged to overcome after the passing of her spouse. )owever, just by reading my mother1s interview, you can sense her resiliency. She shows strength in raising her children and endurance in life1s fortitudes, which have molded her into the sage, sweet woman she is today. In lecture, we learned a few things that involved single parents and many things that can be applied to single parenthood. #hen learning about the "amily System Theory, we learned about the importance of subsystems. The three basic subsystems are interparental, intraparental, and parent,child (Countermine). !s a widowed parent, my mother no longer has an interparental relationship where she e:changes information and communicates ideas with her husband. She solely survives and ma es decisions in the intraparental relationship with herself. In class, we learned that the parent,child subsystem differs for each individual parent,child relationship (Countermine). +y mother e:plains the differences between her two children and how she managed her goodness of fit toward each one after her husband died. She mentions that since her older daughter went straight to college after her husband passed, their new parent,child

Lisa Catanoso - Family Interview Paper HD FS 418

relationship did not have time blossom. Therefore, my mother must stop and e:plain her feelings to her older daughter so she understands. This goodness of fit is different from her younger daughter, who had the opportunity for affection and a close relationship to form after her father died. In class we are currently learning about poverty. +ost families in poverty are single parents with little education and limited job opportunities (Countermine). !lthough my mother is a single parent, she is not not in poverty. She does admit, from time to time, to having challenges on ma ing ends meet. That is because she has limited job opportunities. +y mother stated in her interview that she only has 0 years of college education. She also said she was a stay at home mom for a long time. 6ecause of her little education combined with being out of the wor force for many years, she had limited job opportunities. "or most single parent families, this would be detrimental, but because my mother was previously married to a wor ing husband, the situation is less damaging to her and her children. This assignment was a great opportunity to loo at my mom1s widowhood and single parenthood in an objective manner. !lthough most of her statements resonated with information found in the empirical article, the information she stated about her life that was not consistent with the data caught my attention most. In conclusion, widowed parents have a uni*ue single parenthood e:perience. "rom the grieving the physical loss of their spouse to having to ta e on the responsibilities of the deceased spouse, their job is not only difficult, but emotionally e:hausting. Their whole world changes, including the the world they share with their children who are also torn by the loss of a parental figure. !lthough widowed parents share *ualities such as financial burdens with single parents of different circumstances, their obligations to find wor

Lisa Catanoso - Family Interview Paper HD FS 418

and pay bills may not be as severe. !ll in all, a widowed parent is one that may not fully fit in under single parent statistics. They fill an entire profile that is solely and uni*uely their own.

?eferences
Countermine, +. (.irector) (0435, ;anuary 35). "amily ?elationships. ). "S 53@. <ecture conducted from %enn State &niversity , State College .

'la(er, )., Clar , +., Thomas, ?., A )a:ton, ). (0434). %arenting !fter The .eath of a Spouse. !merican ;ournal of )ospice and %alliative +edicine , 0-, B.