INTERVIEW WITH A MORTICIAN

written by
A.J. Granger
Scripped
scripped.com
REVISION 19
May 10, 2014
Copyright (c) 2012-2014
A.J. Granger and
Licensed under
Creative Commons
BY-NC-ND
INT. INTERVIEW PLACE
INTERVIEWER
I'm interviewing Peter Samson, the
highest paid mortician in the
country, who has written several
books about funeral directing and
proper morgue procedure. There's
this pervasive idea in our culture
that morticians are strange social
recluses, unable to relate to the
living because of their own
damaged souls. How do you respond
to those accusations?
PETER
Are you accusing me of that?
INTERVIEWER
No. I'm asking how you respond
when people say that to you.
PETER
No one has ever said that.
INTERVIEWER
To your face.
SILENCE.
INTERVIEWER
Have you ever had sex with a
corpse?
PETER
No.
INTERVIEWER
What's it like to have sex with a
corpse?
PETER
You'd have to ask someone who does
that.
INTERVIEWER
You've never?
PETER
No.
INTERVIEWER
Ever?
2.
PETER
No.
INTERVIEWER
What about your co-workers?
PETER
No.
INTERVIEWER
Oh...uh...(he flips through his
cards) You never even thought
about it?
PETER
No.
INTERVIEWER
What if, God forbid, Halle Berry
came into your morgue as a corpse,
and, like, was just there?
PETER
No.
INTERVIEWER
What about--who do white people
like?--Scarlett Johansson?
LONG PAUSE.
PETER
No.
INTERVIEWER
Neil Patrick Harris?
PETER
Do you have any questions that
aren't about necrophilia?
INTERVIEWER
Uh...(he checks his cards)
Uh...how has your day been?
PETER
Fine.
INTERVIEWER
Hm...so, did you watch Six Feet
Under?
PETER
Sometimes.
3.
INTERVIEWER
The thing is, most of the
questions, I'd written under the
impression that you, uh, have sex
with corpses, so...
PETER
We're done here.