Bullshit!!! absofuckenlutely bullshit!

Cant believe the little cunt did it to me again!

Cant believe Ive done it to myself again.
What will it take for me to learn anything about how life works; about how they work
!ust turned into a thirty year old gee"er a week ago; the one most symbolic event in
the #ast eight years of my travelling life$ yet still find myself lying in the very same
stinking bed Ive made for myself as a #im#led teenager. %nly difference is that Ive now
got over a decade of more #ointless &so very #ointless' e(#erience to be ignoring when it
comes down to the unfair se(.
)!ust follow the basics$ I told myself back at the beginning. )*ake yes as a maybe$
maybe as no$ yet remember + success comes to those who at least try.
,he did say niet from the very start though; on our very first stroll through that tick
infested woodland. But then$ shed materiali"e by my side whenever Id be rubbing my
lam# and wishing for a cute$ blonde genie. -evertheless$ back then I was too god damn
busy to a##reciate it.
. cou#le of days earlier$ I arrived at -ovosibirsk$ after a month long /ourney from ,t.
0etersburg$ 1ussia$ through 2oskva and halfway across the ,iberian wilderness. Why
Ive made that semi3conscious choice to be teaching 4nglish at the heart of ,iberia is still
beyond me. .fter all$ I hate kids; hate them even more than I des#ise working. *he mere
thought of having to deal with a whole bunch of )em still sends a shiver down my s#ine.
2aybe it was the monotonousness of the /ourney; maybe it was sheer loneliness
Whatever the case might have been$ I was at least incredibly fortunate to be arriving in
-ovosibirsk unannounced$ look u# a contact Ive briefly corres#onded with back in
4ngland months ago and /ust ha##en to catch the director of that so3called International
5anguage ,chool on her one and only day back in town.
-e(t morning$ I was traveling on a stone3aged school bus$ surrounded by hordes of
screaming infants$ and already seriously doubting the wisdom of acting on my own
im#ulse. %nce we made it to the lakeside cam#$ relatively sane and sound$ I was at least
looking forward to some rela(ing time in the 1ussian countryside.
What followed was a chaotic bombardment of great e(#ectations$ with a tight and
inefficient schedule of 4nglish lessons I needed to #lan$ ,#anish lessons I was e(#ected
to give$ 1ussian lessons I wanted to receive$ martial art classed I somehow found myself
volunteering for$ various activities$ #roductions$ social obligations$ food 6 entertainment.
,uddenly$ I was thrown into a s#inning 1ussian roulette of nonsto# toil and confusion;
disorderly gangs of /uvenile delin7uents; 1ussian language going into one ear and
coming out the other; daily kickbo(ing #ractices that would turn me into a #anting$
#athetic e(cuse for a human being; theatric clowning for kee#ing the little #atrons
entertained and endless sociali"ing with the other teachers and stuff.
By the time all that delirium has finally subsided$
2y blonde genie was already gone.

,he was nineteen$ going on twenty; a slim$ towheaded girl from the town of
-ovovsibirsk$ away from home on holiday with her family. I was twenty nine$ secretly
about to turn thirty; an accidental tutor with a hidden agenda.
89airy$: she remarked$ 8with grays a##earing here$ there and anywhere.:
8Chubby as well$: she added$ though Ive lost several #ounds of flesh since setting off
on this #articular cross3country train ride e(travagan"a several weeks before.
8.nd not tall enough$: she concluded; a lone3gy#sy$ who;s making u# for all that he;s
lacking in looks with the air of a worldly e(#lorer.
%n our second stroll through that mos7uito infested woodland$ I got another giggly
re/ection$ with a mention of some obscure eighteen year old boyfriend of a sort.
2e and my lack of confidence in a cosmo#olitan wolf3skin; me and my bloody verbal
entreaties$ when any child knows that the right thing to do is to )/ust do it! 4very woman
I ever fancied$ every girl Ive been engaging in over a decade$ had to be a##roached with
a timid$ a#ologetic$ refusal3antici#ative verbal re7uest$ when what needs doing is but a
7uick grabbing of the back of the head$ followed by a gentle$ yet firm$ #ressing of the
li#s. *his notion is forever as clear as a sunny day in 9ell$ right u# to about five seconds
before the moment of truth arrives.
And whats with that eighteen year old boyfriend for fucks sake? Freaking eighteen
years old boyfriends!!! Everyones got one! *hey;re so meaningless to me$ yet seem so
very meaningful to eighteen year old girls. <ucking hate them all!! I also was eighteen
not too long ago$ and seem to remember having no #roblem whatsoever with messing
around with other girls behind my girlfriends backs.

*hat school$ if one could go as far as calling that cross between summer and labor
cam#s a school$ consisted of a bunch of wooden hovels$ scattered around a #atch of
lowland and enclosed by a forest on one side and a lake on the other.
With bunk beds for slee#ing$ glacially cold water for showering and drab grub to kee#
us going$ there sure wasn;t much in the way of stimulus. *he classrooms turned out to be
converted dormitories$ teaching material none(istent and even 2agic 2arkers$ for use on
im#rovised whiteboards$ took some con/uring tricks to come by.
2y fellow foreign teachers also made a cluster of strange fruits alright$ made out of a
retired teachers from the =nited ,tates$ a re#resentative of their fifty first state &namely
Canada'$ an Italian who was anything but one$ a cou#le of ,wiss nutcases more >erman
than the >erman$ who was more British than the Brit$ who was even nuttier than the rest
of ;em #ut together.
*hen again$ you had to be rather nutty /ust in order to kee# u# with the #rogram. *hey
had us dressed like Indians$ running around with #ainted faces$ singing and dancing$ or
e(hibited and #araded like some kind of #ur#le3rum#ed baboons.
It took a little while$ but eventually I managed to strike out a balance$ and once I;ve
learned the right #ronunciation of the word niet
1
enough time was also finally allocated
for leisure. <inally$ I could /ust hang around by the lakeside once in a while$ lying on my
hammock and reading a book or something.
<inally$ we could /ust hang around by the lakeside once in a while$ lie together in the
comfort of my hammock and mess around. ,he;d let me stroke her sandy legs$ her ga"e
?
-o &1ussian'
lost among clouds gra"ing across a tur7uoise sky$ and as we all know only too well$ all it
really takes is but a hint of a silver lining to get the boys back in business.
@If you come to visit -ovosibirsk$ I will take care of you$@ she #ro#osed in a whis#er$
then would retrieve her #erfect legs and stride away.
1ight then$ a game #lan began to formulate in my mind; a lousy$ good for nothin;
game #lan. 2y #lan was so sim#le$ it terrified me. <irst I must get her to kee# her
#romise and then$ I shall be )taken care of good and #ro#er.
1ight now$ all I really wanna do is smack that #retty face of hers good and #ro#er$
then ravish the living daylight out of her &and not in a good way either'. =nfortunately$
I;d never be able to do such a thing$ for I;m /ust not that kind of a guy. I don;t have what it
takes to be a com#lete and total bastard. ,hame really$ as it is a well3known fact that its
the bastard that always gets the girl.
*hat boyfriend of hers must be a real bastard$ the little 1uskA bastard of a caveman
that he is$ and will definitely dum# her soon enough. *hat is$ after all$ what eighteen year
old boys do best. 9owever$ by the time hell be throwing her off that bridge$ I;ll be long
gone. But she was su##osed to be my little tro#hy!
2y thirtieth birthday gift for myself.
Is that really too much to ask
By the time I turned thirty$ in as surre#titious a manner as humanly #ossible$
everything back at the language cam# settled into a more or less #leasurable routine.
*ime reached a #leasant flow$ good friends were made and even the mayo3laden grab
didn;t taste half bad no more.
Co#ied and recycled lesson3#lans were re#laced by more successful im#rovisation.
2ost of all$ I came to en/oy my ,#anish lessons$ where if an error fell in the forest no one
was around to hear it. %n to# of all that$ I finally got the well needed kickbo(ing #ractice
I;ve been #romising myself$ together with a bunch of knackered kids fighting to kee# u#
and a cou#le of #ri"e fighters$ who can kick my arse any day of the week.
4vening time was for #laying cards$ building cam#fires$ barbe7uing with my fellow
teachers$ swimming with friends$ watching the #retty girls or en/oying a steaming
banya
!
after a good day;s work and before a good night;s slee#.
2y ho#es of kee#ing my birthday a secretive matter utterly failed$ for a sim#le matter
of a date of birth in a #ass#ort held by the director for safe kee#ing. %nce the cat was out
of the bag$ though$ my day turned into a succession of small celebratory gestures
orchestrated by a bunch of sweet kids I;ve grown rather fond of. *hus$ who would have
guessed that$ thousands of miles away from family and friends$ this would become the
second best damn birthday Ive ever had!
.nd as a conclusion to a gay kinda day$ me and all the other teachers ended u# at the
kiddy disco$ held nightly in a converted barn. 0redictably enough$ being teachers$ foreign
and e(otic$ we soon became the main attraction on the dance floor. *hus$ with little girls
hanging on my waist and bigger ones hugging me like I was a teddy bear$ I swayed all
the slow bits and salsa3danced all the faster ones.
-evertheless$ humorous turned most mystifying once the young women showed u#;
blossoming teenaged models$ dri##ing milk$ honey and hormones$ who immediately
bought all of our dance tickets. .nywhere else round the cam#$ they were but mere girls;
students to teach and aficionadas to avoid. 9owever$ transformed into felinely curious
seductress by night$ they became instigator of the soul and tormentors of the loins.
<rom the brink of sanity I write these cautionary words$ with sticky fingers and a right
hand too sore to be true; a self who is more com#osed$ somewhat wiser$ yet /ust as dumb
as ever. <or$ e(#erience gained shall not soon be forgotten$ yet doubtfully be #ut into
#ractice neither$ whenever a similar situation might #resent itself.
<or what is a man$ what has he got
If not himself$ then he has naught.
<or$ to all those wonderful #eo#le whom I;ve encountered on my lengthy /ourney;
those I regarded as friends and lovers for but a brief sense of bonding based on mutual or
illusionary fondness; to each and every one of those random encounters I was not much
more than a momentary fascination; an intriguing anthro#ological finding one forgets /ust
B
1ussian steam bath
as soon as their visit to the museum of unnatural history comes to an end and it;s time to
go back home.
.t the end of the day$ all those who at one time or another called me their friend or
longed for me as their lover$ now endow this outskirted with very little human warmth$
carnal #assion or even the sound of another;s beating heart$ so as to remind him that he is
not all alone in this cold$ miserable$ meaningless world.
*hough$ in all #robability$ he is.
*he one thing that was driving me nuts was being surrounded the whole day long by
these eager and willing adolescent nym#hs$ who would do anything for a foreigner
&granted this demigod statues sim#ly for being from anywhere other than 1ussia'$ while
he could do fuck all for them$ for reasons of legality$ as well as common morality.
%ne cannot even begin to imagine the levels of frustration$ de#rivation and
de#ravation I had to deal with$ day in$ day out$ besieged from all sides by not /ust #eaking
nym#hs$ but also by e(tremely fo(y native teachers and most affectionate adult students
of a more than consenting age.
.t the end of every day$ I;d taken to #ouring my heart$ as well my ra#idly
degenerating mental state$ out and into a #oor roommates ear. Bitching and moaning
from the to# bunk$ Id be feverously relieving myself nightly$ until his soft snoring would
guide me into a steamy slumber of #edo#hilic dreams.
*he last three nights I s#ent in that innocent yet lustful; dreamy yet nightmarish$
second circle of hell 7uickly turned into a des#erate attem#t to hold onto the very last few
marbles I still #ossessed$ in the one #lace I was sure to lose them all + the kiddy disco.
9eaven from hell$ do you think you can tell
.ll " could tell was that she came from the neighboring village$ was a comely gal and
the one to a##roach me for an e(tremely slow number$ which ra#idly turned into a
seductive fiesta of body and soul. Whichever tune did follow$ be it 4uro3#o# from the
eighties attic$ Cossackian rock ;n; roll or s#unky salsa bits$ my hands certainly missed no
o##ortunity to feel u# this nym#h$ who;s name I didn;t even know.
It mattered very little that 5olita chickened out the moment we ended u# outside$ or
that I never actually got around to seeing her again. What did matter was the warm$ co"y
feeling of con7uest that revived my delirious dignity$ or at least #rovided an esca#e from
feeling like a com#lete and total loser.
.fter all$ in a matter of days I was to be released back into civili"ation; back into a
world that made sense and into the arms of a #oor little blonde genie I was #lanning on
drowning in a grandiose eru#tion of my combusting loins.
%r so I thought
When she came to #ick me u# from 5enin ,7uare on the day of my release; bright$
early and all #syched u#$ I knew the girl meant business and was #laying no games.
While #laying my #ersonal tour guide$ I saw tenderness reflected in her #ondy eyes$ thus
remained devoted to the game #lan and didnt make a move until it was time to kiss her
goodbye and retire to the otel
C
she got me. *hough she again solemnly declared that she
would never kiss me$ much less slee# with me$ she was$ nevertheless$ already
unknowingly losing to this dealer. ;Cause$ in the end$ the casino always wins.
*hrough neighborhoods of crumbling down$ communist concrete a#artment blocks I
then strolled$ where ancient tram lines and rusty trolley busses run across muddy #aths$
leading into tinny markets$ where ancient women sell their skim#y stock of garden
vegetables$ until I finally reached my five3bucks3a3night hotel.
When invited to her home the ne(t day$ while her #arents were conveniently away$ I
knew I was in. While sharing an intimate yet flirty little chat$ however$ she seemed
determined on sliding further and further away down the lengthy living room couch$
while I was slithering closer and closer yet.
@Doure like a kid who doesnt get what he wants!: that child finally declared; a
declaration that only served to further annoy me$ for I wasn;t getting what I wanted.
"m getting too old for this govno!
#
I finally admitted$ swearing half #ublicly and
half heartily to back off and hassle her no more.
-evertheless$ later that day I suddenly found myself caressing her sandy legs$ softly
kissing her long neck and nibbling on her delicate ear$ while sharing a brief romantic
moment at a #ublic #ark by the great river %b. 9ard to say what sur#rised me the most$
C
9otel &1ussian'
E
,hit &same'
though + the fact that we were making out or that we were doing so seated on bare grass$
a deadly sin in the 1ussian unwritten book of #ro#er social conduct.
@!ust not on the li#s!@ she sighed softly.
$%ust be symbolic& one of those 'monogamy' things going around$ I thought to
myself$ while tirelessly trying to catch them sweet scarlet ribbons of hers off guard.
$Am " good or what?$ I allowed a touch of gloat enter my elicited mind$ while my
hands were busy fondling her #erfect breasts$ feeling further aroused by the hushed
moans the head crowning that #erfect body was #roducing.
$(eah "'m good alright!$ I boasted internally$ as my fingers finally slid underneath
her wet #anties and culminated her into a fulfilled grin.
$)ow "m defiantly in!$ I concluded with glee$ kissed her goodbye and returned to my
hotel$ so as to /erk off in antici#ation of the day of the morrow +
2y final day of trium#h.
>od$ what a drag it is getting older!
4ven the notion of getting too old for this or that shit aint funny no more. In fact$ the
only trait that kee#s me in touch with my inner child seems to be the habit of #laying with
e(crements of our own design. %nly difference is that the child #robably still en/oys it$
while I defiantly dont anymore.
9ow many nineteen year old girls have I messed around with over the years
9ow many of those vestal roads have I walked down
9ow many dead ends did I reach
,he obviously liked what she got in the #ark that day$ for her angelic$ fla(en self
suddenly materiali"ed right in my very own bed bright and eagerly the ne(t morning for a
similar treatment. 9owever and as ever so vestal and dignifiedly$ she religiously managed
contain herself$ withholding her touch like a sedated beauty and refraining from
reci#rocating with any form of #leasure.
$%ust be another one of these symbolic 'monogamy' things$ I though to myself$ while
eagerly grinding my firm self against her crotch.
*hen$ the clock stroke midday$ and my sweet #um#kin lea#ed out of bed$ turned
herself into a carriage and trans#orted me and my bold3eagle turned blue3/ay out for
another day of showing us around -ovosibirsk.
$*atience is a virtue$ I reminded myself$ whenever my #oor /ay would chir#$ $and it
aint over till the slim lady screams+$
.nd so$ I tried my best to avoid the mentioning of her bloody boyfriend all day long.
When she brought it u#$ I 7uickly dismissed her idea that its better to have one bird in
your hand than even a #hoeni( half way to China$ by arguing that it would be lovely if
the weather shall remain nice and sunny tomorrow as well.
8I am always more dominant #erson in every relationshi#$: she grumbled later that
day$ while we were visiting the -ovosibirsk ,tate .cademic %#era and Ballet *heatre.
8,o am I$: related this wolf in worldly clothing$ 8though I sure would like to find me
a woman with whom there shall be a balance of #owers.:
8.nd I want a strong man who kee# me at home raising children$@ she smiled.
,uch a clever girl and with a good sense of humor to boot$ I thought.
8. girl without a man is weak! -a!! . girl must have a strong man to #rotect her!!!:
*hat;s when I finally reali"ed sarcasm was not one of her strong suits; #robably not
even a #art of your #lebeian 1ussian wardrobe to begin with.
8,tu#id$ stu#id girl!!: I cried out$ eager to #ut the world to right by o#ening the #oor
girls eyes to modern conce#ts such as 47uality and Women;s 5iberation.
8*hat;s /ust the way things are in 1ussia$: she added$ casually.
84ven nowadays liberal ,candinavians were village3burning$ women3ra#ing Fikings
not too long ago$: I des#erately tried to make her understand$ while a warm$ co"y feeling
of victory was filling my heart$ for stu#id girls are$ after all$ the easiest to mani#ulate.
*hus$ in my mind;s eye; in my dumb mind and blind eye$ I was already showered with
cham#agne$ while holding u# my tro#hy for the whole world to see.
*hus$ back to my hotel went my tro#hy3to3be.
*hat bloody little cunt!!! *hat self3centered$ self3controlled littledid it to me
again! . well monitored orgasm or two on her #art$ yet not even a single hand3stroke on
my #art$ leaving my #roud eagle to suffocate on its own agoni"ed screams. *hen$ off she
went$ back home$ leaving me to tend to my rotten eggs in muted fury.
I obviously didn;t get any$ no matter how hard I tried.
-o matter how soft and romantic; how wild and #assionate; how hard to get I #layed
or how available I made myself$ getting any remained out of the 7uestion. .nd she
huffed$ and she #uffed$ and she moaned$ and she sulked$ but the slim lady did not scream.
,he did$ however$ e(#ress concern over my #hysical well being$ the dear$ caring soul
that she was. %n one hand$ attentive to my needs$ she had her fingers crossed for me to
find another girl to slee# with; on the other$ she admitted$ she;d #robably get awfully
/ealous knowing that I;m barking u# another tree.
9owever$ her main concern was over the #ossibility of me eventually ra#ing her.
.f moi/ eventually/ ra0ing/ her!?!
0ersonally$ I considered it an outlandish #ossibility to even consider on her #art$
borderline #aranoia even &#sychotic reveries I might have had aside'. *hat is$ until she
finally volunteered this a##alling bit of information$ namely that$ statistically$ one out of
every four women in 1ussia gets ra#ed sooner or later! .nd so$ with ra#e$ as well as
consensual se($ com#letely out of the 7uestion$ we ended u# at this #ricey salsa club on
her side of town.
%nce I #aid our entry and ke#t on #aying for the drinks$ I at least had the rest of the
night to brush shoulders with gorgeously slim and lofty su#ermodels. 2y ;best buddy;$
however$ ke#t her #romise and her distance$ leaving me to salsa on my own$ and would
only swoosh down u#on me on those rare occasions when I actually a##eared to be
getting the slightest attention from a rival female.
<inally$ tired of solitary salsa dancing$ I innocently decided to grab my towheaded
buddy by the waist$ the way I was taught back in 5atin .merica. .s soon as I did$
however$ she com#letely fli##ed out$ forcing me to release my gri#$ or else face the
un#leasant conse7uences.
@But$ you dance salsa together@ I mumbled.
@)iet! Dou dance salsa alone!@ was all she had to say.
.##arently$ unlike the ha##y3go3lucky 5atinos$ the 1ussian mentality is strictly
against unessential human contact$ even when it comes to salsa. -evertheless$ that last
straw; that absolute denial of even a bit of human warmth$ released an emotional
snowball into the night; a night that was ra#idly going downhill anyhow.
Fuck that goddamn 'realism'!!! Fuck that all too 0ractical a00roach to life men and
salsa all so common among wannabe romantic women! *hey wouldn;t be able to
recogni"e romance unless it came with a lifelong guarantee; unless it was well rooted to
an acre of land$ bolted to a freaking white fence and had keys to a minivan it doesn;t even
drive$ as it;s not going anywhere to begin with. .ny way you look at it$ a drifter shall
forever$ by definition$ remain out of that e7uation$ thus out of the loo#.
@.re you sad@ she asks me$ once we ste# out into the free"ing night.
@I;m too tired to be sad$@ is my re#ly$ though Im in fact /ust tired of being sad.
@Will I see you tomorrow@ she asks me$ once we reach the bolted metro station.
@)iet! >uess Im gonna continue on my /ourney tomorrow$@ I say.
.nd so$ without a wasted word$ she kisses me goodbye$ then sim#ly walks off$ leaving
me to shiver on my own by #onderous doors to a metro station that shan;t be o#en for
several hours yet$ rather than take me home with her.