Chapter 11

Volume VII, Issue 2 Print Me May 2012

Hunter College Accepts 86% of Second Graders

BY DALIA WOLFSON
STAFF WRITER

As the New York Times never lets us forget, elementary school
admissions in the city are a hairy, competitive sport. But events took an
altogether weirder turn last week, when 86% of 2
nd
and not 12
th
graders
were accepted into the Class of 2016 for Hunter College.
The decorative acceptance email - complete with dancing hawks in
little purple shorts was sent out in early March to Hunters 2
nd
graders. In
fact, the news story was hard to detect because many elementary students dont
yet understand the mechanics of email. For example, 2
nd
grader Ailick Gaymez
recalled, I was just playing Club Penguin, hanging out in the Virtual Ice Cave,
when I got an encrypted file. I thought maybe it was some new penguin
pennies, but it turned out to be an acceptance letter. What?
Once word got around, 2
nd
graders parents began celebrating
enthusiastically, proudly displaying their acceptance letters alongside
childrens macaroni and cheese projects. I knew Hunter students were
overachievers, but college in 2
nd
grade? Well, I never! Mrs. Soorpraisid was
heard to exclaim, as her daughter tore open an acceptance envelope with her
teeth. Within a day, however, the plot unraveled: Hunter College admissions
officers, inundated with invitations to join the Penguin Hunter College Class of
2016, investigated the issue and found a typographical error in their files.
Earlier today, Hunter College issued an apology to 2
nd
graders, and an
ambiguously worded email to 12
th
grade applicants to the university. Director
of Admissions Mr. Dunough Wattodu said, Well be rereading Hunter
seniors applications one by one. Were very embarrassed by this
miscommunication. Another month remains before college decisions are
publicized; Mr. Wattodu hopes to read HCHS applications first so as to calm
the tension between the two sister institutions.
In the meantime, Hunter College applicants remain stoic about the
situation. Several seniors have boycotted Lifeguard Training, Racquetball and
Yoga in a show of protest against the Admissions offices irresponsibility.
Thats what I call an education! Who cares about college, lets learn how to
riot! yelled senior Ann Greeh, who is still waiting for CUNY decisions. Other
students have decided to wait it out patiently. Senior Deutsch Mann, a transfer
student from Hamburg, has simply taken to carrying around a water bottle and
taking a swig when he feels nervous: You know, I think Ill just cope and
continue drinking Vasser. Hunter may have back-stabbed us, but Vasser never
hurt a senior, right?





2013 Recycles Shark
Kent
See JUNIOR SWEEP
Page Soh Cah Boa >>

Robotics Team Cures
Cancer
See School gloats over number
of Scholastic winners
Page 3419 >>


Record Number of
Chapter 11 Staff Gets into
Harvard
See WANT TO WRITE FOR
US?
Page
z3.invisionfree.com/chapter_11

Seniors Hold Mandatory 6
Hour Class on History of
Senior Walkout
See STUDENTS COMPLAIN
OF WORKLOAD
Page 88 >>









2




A Look at This Years Principal Candidates
Compiled by Ping Hu
While Hunter did eventually appoint Dr. Tony Fisher as principal, the Principal Search Committee
found three other skilled and fascinating finalists. Chapter 11 has compiled profiles of the former candidates.
Ms. Marge Lackman
I think that Hunter's
student body will offer some
amazing and new challenges for
me, said Ms. Lackman, while
closing a copy of Principaling for
Dummies. Despite the demanding
search process, she is confident in
herself: I've heard that there was
a lot of competition for this spot, and that Hunter
reportedly received over 2,000 applications. However,
I am extremely confident in my abilities and am sure
I'll get the job.
Ms. Lackman holds a bachelor's degree in
Comparative Basketweaving from the Collge de
Sorbonne, in Paris. She has been unemployed since
2003.


Rev. Dr. Elwood-Coltman
Rev. Dr. Elwood-
Coltman expressed interest in
revamping Hunter as a whole
in interviews with the Search
Committee.
We need to renovate,
and to do that, we need
capital, he exclaimed,
slamming his fist on a desk, which promptly split in
two. I'm envisioning a completely new, efficient and
technologically advanced Hunter.
Rev. Dr. Elwood-Coltman is also passionate
about environmental issues.
I believe that separate trash cans for
recyclables and non-recyclables are essential to this
idea, while pointing to the unmarked bins
overflowing with miscellaneous lunch wrappers. He
also supported the idea of upgraded technology, loudly
exclaiming Two SMART Boards for every
classroom! at the dismay of a class being handed out
tattered copies of The Joy Luck Club nearby. And
while we're at it, why not some windows, too.

Mr. Mosni Hubarak

Perhaps the most
mysterious candidate is Mr.
Hubarak. Recently arrived
in New York, he saw
Hunter's principal job
listing as a new
opportunity, a fresh start to exercise [his] leadership
abilities. When asked how he would tackle Hunter's
budget, issues of student stress and lack of diversity,
he consistently replied: No comment.
Mr. Hubarak did not disclose his former place
of work to anyone besides the Search Committee,
although rumors speculate that he was a former
political leader. I did have minor problems in my
former place of work, he admitted. He is reportedly a
graduate of several military academies.

Dr. Fisher
Dr. Fisher, the school's former acting principal,
was reportedly offered the principal position for his
knowledge of the school's inner workings, such as
where to get the best panini and why the elevator gets
shut down. He focused heavily on the issue of student
stress during interviews with the search Committee: I
propose having bi-weeklyno, weekly homework
free nights, along with limits on how many tests
teachers can give per quarter. Dr. Fisher has also
expressed interest in allowing food and drink to be
consumed in grade hallways.



3
Mononucleosis Business Booms

BY DAVID MOON
STAFF WRITER

Mononucleosis, commonly referred to as
mono or the kissing disease and notorious for
putting students out of commission for weeks on end,
has seen a spike in contractions shortly before term
paper season. The string of seemingly unrelated and
suspiciously convenient cases appears to be related to
a growing instant extensions service that offers
desperate essay-writers a filthy mono-infested rag for
a fee of approximately $50. The service is initially
contacted via Facebook, and the deal is discussed
further at popular social gaming site OMGPOP. The
money and the mono
exchange hands at an eatery
forty minutes from the
campus.
The owner of the
business, a freshman known
as Mono Mary, stated the
following about the business.
We often get ridiculed for
the idea. Who would buy disease-infested rags? I tell
them theyre not buying disease-infested rags. Theyre
buying peace of mind. Consider that moment the week
that term paper draws due. Most folks would take their

Who can resist a microbe
this cute?
sleepless nights, bang out their BS-ed paragraphs and
complain everywhere they can. Now consider a month
of excused absence right as that due date strides in.
Just think of the things you could do with that time!
You could watch movies that you didnt really want to
watch, read miscellaneous tumblrs, or check Facebook
for the umpteenth time. Youre really buying a nice
pocket of you-time to take care of all that important
stuff before you get back to panicking about your term
paper. And can you put a price on that?
One customer, who wished to remain
anonymous, was contacted via social networking
services. He said this about his experience Oh yeah it
was completely worth it. I mean, Im sick and I cant
leave bed, but I get to check Facebook as many times
as I want without stressing out over some massive
assignment or another. And really, compared to
writing this paper, whats a little glandular fever? Not
everyone is so appreciative about the service.
Some teachers have expressed approval of the
rising sick absences. Mr. Old has stated the following:
All these postponed tests means I dont have to grade
so many, so I can do important things like play
Skyrim. Hows a fella supposed to get his dragon
shouts on when hes got all these tests to grade? I wish
this kid the best of luck in his business.


Experts Weigh in on No Homework Day
BY ALEX XIAO
STAFF WRITER

An anonymous source recently revealed that at
least four teachers purposefully scheduled tests for the
day after No Homework Day, and numerous others
had assigned a slightly longer reading the day
before. Such a finding does not rectify the No
Homework Day programs already poor reception.
Critiques have ranged from its sporadic nature, to its
unsatisfying duration, but the most noted problem is
that it has failed to accomplish its original goal: to
allow Hunterites time to spend outdoors in order to
supplement their infamously subpar Vitamin D
intake.
During a recent press conference, Dr.
HOMEWORK, lead researcher in the No Homework
Day program, addressed students growing concerns.
I fully understand the students concernswhen I
was [their age], we only had forty four minutes of
homeworkper week!!
i
Using historical evidence,
such as the 1901 Californian Legislation that
prohibited homework, Dr. HOMEWORK is pushing
to expand the No Homework Day Program.
ii
In the
meantime, doctors are alarmed to discover forty-two
new cases of Senioritis in New York. Although the
Center for Disease Control and Prevention has not
made an official statement, an inside source tells us
that the outbreak was most likely caused by accidental
prescription of No Homework Day to students
suffering from the neurological condition Doneius
with College Appsius.


1
This, Is. Not Being Graded, Right? Totally Legitimate
Source. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homework (2011).
2
Ibid.

4

JCAC Responds to Day of Action with Day of Yiddish

BY GRANT GLOVIN
EDITOR IN CHIEF

Responding to increased demand from Hunter
students for substantive cultural shows, the Jewish
Cultural Awareness Club presented the Day of
Yiddish last Tuesday to generally positive reviews.
We were inspired by the Day of Action, said
club member David Feinberg, who was in charge of
the event. We wanted to continue the great dialogue
started by ACT and give it a decidedly Jewish spin.
That meant leaning into discomfort and really
kvetching about how the mixture of depression and
awkwardness I felt at the Day of Action, he kvetched.
The Day of Yiddish copied the Day of Action
in its format. There were four periods of presentations,
each with its own theme: Kvetching, Kvelling,
Schmoozing, and Chutzpah.
The presentations were really informative,
said freshman Cam Zhou. He cited the Schmoozing
period as his personal favorite, lauding one story by a
self-proclaimed socially awkward Jew for being
entertaining, relatable, and thought provoking.
Other highlights included a Billy Joel song
performed and praised by two club members during
the Kvelling section, an examination of anti-Semitism
in American media in the 1920s during the Kvetching
period, and a story of asking teachers to leave class
early for Purim services the day after failing a term
paper during the Chutzpah period.
Each period also included a discussion, where
the attendees and club members shared their reactions
to the material presented.
Feinberg was thrilled with the results of the
discussions. I was worried that a lot of people would
react hostilely or not take the topic seriously, he said
afterwards. Some people definitely didnt want to be
there or thought the event was useless and were vocal
about it, but most people who spoke really seemed to
be thinking about what they had seen and about how
Judaism fits into the Hunter Community.
However, some students were unimpressed.
Since I was in 10
th
grade, Hunter has talked a lot
about diversity, said senior Ami Kwiecien. Ive
heard what I needed to hear. Theres no need for the
JCAC to open up another front of discussion, even if
its a new idea.
Still, most Hunterites were happy with the
event. Junior Pat Hansley, upon being approached in
the auditorium after the last period of the event,
quickly burst out of his chair and rubbed his hands
over his face in clear amazement at what he had seen.
That was great, he said with a yawn. Just
what Hunter needs.
Ethnicity at the Day of Action
Compiled by David Moon


Ethnicity,
European, 25,
20%
Ethnicity, South
Asian, 21, 17%
Ethnicity, East
Asian, 16, 13%
Ethnicity, North
Asian, 17, 13%
Ethnicity,
West
Asian, 15,
12%
Ethnicity, Down
Under, 7, 6%
Ethnicity, North
American, 11, 9%
Ethnicity, South
American, 9, 7%
Ethnicity, Adlie
Penguin, 1.5, 1%
Ethnicity, All of the
above, 2.5, 2%
After a brief survey of ethnic heritages of students exiting the Day of ACTion, school officials expressed
pride that Hunter serves a diverse body of students from six continents around the world.
5

Controversy Surrounds Shes Too Jung
Documentary
BY ALEX XIAO
STAFF WRITER

Recently, many AP Psychology students have
criticized the courses screening of Shes Too Jung, a
movie depicting the troubled teenage life of famed
psychologist Carl Jung. I took AP Psychology so I
could learn how to hack my brain, says Junior Ryan
Nena. How does watching Jung hallucinate his
mothers decapitated head floating around help me
learn about the Missouri compromise? In particular,
the majority of Juniors have found offense with Jungs
habit of fainting at the mere sight of homework,
although most Seniors sympathize. Some students,
however, defend the movie for the hopeful message it
portrays. Says Nena, The most important lesson the
How does watching Jung
hallucinate his mothers
decapitated head floating around
help me learn about the Missouri
compromise?
movie teaches is that everyone should pursue their
passionsand besides, its not like were watching a
movie about a fourteen year old hiding her sexual
activities, drug problems, alcohol problems, teenage
pregnancy, peer pressure and the sexually driven
American media.



Mathcounts Team Discovers
Groundbreaking Approach to Problem
Solving
BY NATASHA LASTNAME?
STAFF WRITER

February 4
th
, 2012 was a fateful day for the
Mathcounts soldiers trooping into NYU. They
suffered, long and hard, through difficult math
problems involving triangles, circles, and even
squares. They crunched numbers in their human
calculators, writing out complex operations and
solving them with ease. And when the results were
announced, they stole first place from all the other
contestants. When asked about their success, the all-
girl Hawkettes cited
many reasons, including
their blue shirts, which
made them think math,
their sharpened number
2 pencils (apparently
perfumed to produce
math-inducing smells),
and their clean white rubbery erasers with pictures of
sine curves and differential equations. But their
number one reason, as one of the girls secretly
confided to Chapter 11 after the contest was over, was
the new, top-secret, finger-counting method that they

The pencil triumphs no longer
had just learned earlier that week. It was just, very
realvery authentic, something that seemed both very
confusing and very familiar at the same time, said
Dunt OEarth. When I first learned it, I thought, wait,
that makes no senseI mean, how are you supposed
to do big numbers, like 11? But then I realized the
beauty of the different segments of the fingers and it
just really hit me then, as if Id just been smacked by a
hand. Another team member, Treez Rokk, said,
Look at the practicality of this. Just imagine how
many pencils were wasting with our math, imagine
the struggles the poor things go through while we
sweat away at our problems, were responsible for
killing ALL THE TREES, at which point she
proceeded to cry and, when we tried to calm her and
give her a tissue, she began wailing and became an
utter wreck, screaming that we were useless fools who
were all tree-killers. Despite the different approaches
of the team members to this new method, one thing is
clear: theyre all very enthusiastic to embrace it. And
what are their plans for the next 1-2-3-20 days?
Were planning on sophistication of this method. An
order with the Body Part Eraser Company is underway
and were hoping to get more fingers soon so that we
can do even bigger numbers, like33 one day.


6

Hunter Loses Its Humor

BY BEN WOLFSON
ASSOCIATE EDITOR

The hallway lights went out. It was 8 p.m. and Ms. Sewell was locking up her office after another
grueling day of enforcing Hunters strict dress code and mixing mysterious chemicals in her lab. Just as she was
about to leave the building, she remembered that she had left her keys in the physics lab in room 207. She
strode confidently in darkness toward the room; countless years spent at Hunter meant she did not need light to
navigate its halls.
As she approached the room, Ms. Sewell noticed a flash of lightning in room 207s window. Odd, I
clearly remember the 9
th
grader that I was berating for wearing a short skirt mention the nice weather outside,
before I promptly chased her down the hall, said Ms. Sewell as she proceeded to deftly insert her key into
room 207s thick door. Glancing up through the window, Ms. Sewell noticed a small, cloaked figure cackling
as he pressed a big red button. Nothing happened. But the figure abruptly stopped cackling, ran straight to the
door and, without noticing Ms. Sewell ran down the nearest staircase in to the crowded New York Street.
After recovering from the shock of seeing the students exposed ankle, Ms. Sewell decided to
investigate. In the harsh fluorescent light, the contraption lost its mysterious air; it was merely a series of
pendulums vibrating at a frequency of e
/i
. But Ms. Sewell, whose knowledge of imaginary numbers had been
withered away by dealing with rather real chemicals and nasty hormonal students calmly dissembled the
pendulums and went home.
The next day, students shuffled into Hunter as usual. No one seemed at all affected and perturbed by the
strange events the previous nights. It was only when Mr. Funny, the most wondrous instructor of Literary
Science Fiction and comedian par excellence noticed that his jokes about Omegas, Gezumpoolshnorfs and other
aliens were following woefully short, that he began to get worried. Opening the door of the English department
with a bang, Mr. Funny ran straight to his department head and tried out his new material on her. After hearing
about his hearing loss, his rock band and the 5
th
dimensional creature that hid in his bed, Mr. Motele became
slightly worried. He usually liked Mr. Funny jokes. In fact, even though Mr. Motele would never admit it to
Mr. Funnys face, he found Mr. Funnys jokes so hilarious that he frequently retold them at his dinner table.
Through the rest of the week, small, unnoticed changes took place. Comedy Club was unable to produce
a single interesting one-liner for Hunters annual fortune Cookie. Nobody laughed during the JCAC show
despite an earnest attempt by the cultural association to stage a play that involved Yiddish divas, prime rappers
and 2012s awkward Jewish Boys. Johnny was left speechless as he tried to conclude his presentation about
enzymes to the 9
th
bio class with a witty pick up line involving complex molecules of RNA unzipping DNAs
genetic code.
Yours truly was the only person to string these events together. After conducting interviews with Ms.
Sewell, Mr.Funny, Johnny and Mr. Motele, I have learned the terrible truth. In a tragic Frankenstein-esque turn
of events, Hunter has lost its sense of humor. It seems clear that that faithful experiment in room 207 was the
cause. In a last ditch effort I am publishing this article in Hunters last respectable humor publication. I hope
Chapter 11 will act an antibody to the terrible disease that is plaguing Hunters halls.













7

Point-Counterpoint
Edited by Tiffany Wong
Im a Second Semester Senior
BY TOM WALDHEIM
CONTRIBUTING WRITER

A second semester senior: the object of a
junior's envy and a seventh grader's dreams. These
three words alone can conjure more than enough
giddiness and excitement in any Hunterite's mind to
fill this page. And do you know what's even better?
I'm living it.
There's something to be said about pulling an
all-nighter baking cupcakes at my best friend's house
while the rest of my fellow lower termers are working
on their fair share of last-minute term papers. It's even
more amusing when it's 6 a.m. and I decide it's not
worth the trouble to get ready for school, so I sink
back to bed while the sleep-deprived juniors drag
themselves off to class.
It wasn't always like this though. There was a
point in time when I spent my weekends writing that
last quote sandwich or solving for that last geometric
term until the crack of dawn. Those were the days
where I spent every waking moment looking at my
calendar, only to recoil back in horror because it
would be 329 more days until I would become a
second semester senior. But guess what, not anymore.
And forget college. I've visited colleges more
times than I've written a FLE. I've sent in more apps
than parents of Hunter-hopefuls have sent to the
admissions office. There's nothing else to do but sit
and wait.
I have to say, there's nothing better than being a
second semester senior.


The Other 83%

BY MARY HART
CONTRIBUTING WRITER

No need to rub it in. We get the point when half
of our class is mysteriously "absent" and teachers tell
seniors to make an effort and attend school. Heck,
your red carpet is the epitome of senioritis.
We understand that the first taste of freedom
can overexcite any deprived senior for the rest of the
semester, but at least have some respect for your peers.
We're here to stay, and we're here to learn.













8
Grant Glovin
Eric Mannes
Ping Hu
Dalia Wolfson
Ben Wolfson
Jonathan Herzog
David Moon

Angela Chen
Susmita Paul
Editor-in-Chief
Managing Editor
Layout Editor
Associate Editor
Associate Editor
Associate Editor
Staff Writer + Photo
Awesomeness
Artist
Staff Writer
Natasha LASTNAME
Tal Bogolmony
Priscilla Guo
Tiffany Wong
Dolen Le
Sangbo Nam
William Thompson
Charlie Bardey
Natalie Wagner
Romi Moors
Staff Writer
Staff Writer
Staff Writer
Staff Writer
Staff Writer
Staff Writer
Inspiration
Staff Writer
Clairvoyant
Clairvoyant
Faculty Advisor: Daniel Mozes



HOROSCOPES
v Aries: Mar. 21Apr. 19
##TEXT##

d Taurus: Apr. 20May 20
##TEXT##

p Gemini: May 21Jun. 21
##TEXT##

t Cancer: Jun. 22Jul. 22
##TEXT##

n Leo: Jul. 23Aug. 22
##TEXT##

b Virgo: Aug. 23Sept. 22
##TEXT##


l Libra: Sept. 23Oct. 22
##TEXT##

f Scorpio: Oct. 23Nov. 21
##TEXT##

h Sagittarius: Nov. 22Dec. 21
##TEXT##

r Capricorn: Dec. 22Jan. 19
##TEXT##

x Aquarius: Jan. 20Feb. 18
##TEXT##

j Pisces: Feb. 19Mar. 20
##TEXT##













9
Article, from Page #:

##BeginText


EndText##










##HEADLINE##

BY ##NAME##
##POSITION##

##BeginText

##LargeQuote_2column##

##PHOTO##
##Caption##

EndText##



























Mi Doku es Su Doku
Its a pretty simple one this time. Just use the numbers 1-9 in each box, row, and column. Its Su Doku. You
10













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know how it works. The answer will be posted next issue, along with another puzzle. And that puzzle will be far
more difficultooh, mysterious.

##SuDoku_Image##
Corrections
Even the brilliant minds at Chapter 11 make a mistake now and then. Here are some corrections
from errors printed in the previous issue.

1) ##List_Item##

2) ##List_Item##
11
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0.5 0.6 0.5






i
This, Is. Not Being Graded, Right? Totally Legitimate Source. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homework
(2011).
ii
Ibid.