Everything is

Turtles
by Richard Bermingham
A long standing myth in the entertainment
industry is that everything is turtles. Your favourite
bands, actors and key grips are in fact gangs of
turtles posing in human shells. In the folloing I
hope to e!pose this myth as an infallible truth " one
that is tearing the entertainment industry apart from
the inside. #e$ll begin ith some of the most glaring
hints at this theory, courtesy of popular shock%rock
band &all 'ut Boy. If you look at some of the
lyrics, ritten by self%professed human (ete
#ent), it becomes painfully obvious that he is in
fact a gang of turtles.
Is this more than you bargained for yet? Oh don't
mind me I'm a group of turtles posing as a man
%*ugar #e$re +oing ,on
I don't blame you for being you, but you can't
blame me for being a small gathering of turtles
%A -ittle -ess *i!teen .andles, A -ittle /ore
$0ouch /e$
Thanks for the memories even though I'm not a
human being but am, in fact, a collection of turtles
%0hnks &r 0h /mrs
,o these sound like ords ritten by a regular
human being1 'r do they sound like ords ritten
by a bunch of turtles. 0he proof is in the pudding,
people. 'r should I say, the proof is in the turtles.
*till not convinced1 #ell, let$s move aay from the realm of music and into the orld of cinema.
You$re probably familiar ith acclaimed character actor ,aniel ,ay%-eis for his roles in y !eft
"oot, There #ill $e $lood and !incoln. But hat you may not kno is that (auly *hore is a
gang of turtles posing as an adult man. .heck out this poster for the movie $io%&ome2
,on$t see it1 -et$s take a closer look2
*till not 3uite sure hat you$re looking at1 -et$s go further.
Right there4 'ver (auly *hore$s head it clearly
says A .ollection of 0urtles rather than his
human name. A ma5or gaff by the guys at the
printing factory1 'r something more sinister.