Emotional Codependence

By Robert Brennan, M.A. MFTI

Apokata. Psychological Services
220 Montgomery Street, Suite 0!"
San Francisco, #A !$0%
&&&.#hristianMental'ealth.com
Course Objectives:
. (n)erstan) the behavior o* co)e+en)ence
2. (n)erstan) the )i**erence bet&een inter)e+en)ent an) co)e+en)ent
relationshi+s
%. ,amage o* co)e+en)ence in relationshi+s an) +erson
$. Reor)ering the #o)e+en)ents +ers+ective to trust -o).
.. 'o& to hel+ others or ourselves recover *rom co)e+en)ence
Portraits of men and women struggling with codependence
Portrait / 0 Man co)e+en)ent on other men
1 Same se2 attraction, single, 2. yrs.
1 32+ects masculine men to care *or him in a nurturing &ay
1 Frustration &ith lac4 o* com+liance others have to his stan)ar)s
1 #om+lains o* inconsi)eration o* others
1 Believes he is not li4able
1 Feels +o&erless an) victimi5e)
Cultural Codependence Portraits
Portrait /2
Men co)e+en)ent on &omen *or se2
Portrait /%
Mothers co)e+en)ent on their chil)ren to *eel meaning an) +ur+ose
Portrait /$
Minister co)e+en)ent on congregation to be holy
Characteristics and Symptoms of Codependence vs. Interdependent
#o)e+en)ent Patterns
. ,i**icult I)enti*ying Feelings
2. ,i**icult 32+ressing Feelings
%. ,i**icult Forming an) an) Maintaining close relationshi+s
$. Per*ectionism6e2+ectations o* others
.. Rigi) an) Stuc4 in attitu)es an) behavior
7. ,i**iculty a)8usting to change
9. :verly Res+onsible *or other;s behavior an) *eelings
". <ee) a++roval
!. ,i**icult ma4ing )ecisions
1
0. Feel +o&erless
. Shame an) lo& sel* &orth=+erceive) *ailures in li*e
Personal oundaries
! codependent person
might
say:
!n interdependent person
might say:
I am over&helme) by an)
+reoccu+ie) &ith a +erson.
I am able to 4ee+ my
relationshi+s in +ers+ective an)
*unction in other areas o* my
li*e.
I let others )e*ine me. I 4no& &ho I am in #hrist, an) I
am &ary o* +eo+le &ho &ant to
rema4e me.
I let others )etermine &hat I
*eel.
I re*use to allo& someone else
to tell me, >?ou )on@t *eel that
&ay.>
I let others )irect my li*e. I listen to o+inions, but I ma4e
)ecisions *or mysel*, base) on
-o)@s lea)ing o* my choices
I violate +ersonal values to
+lease others.
I am not &illing to >)o anything>
to maintain a relationshi+.
I have values that are not
negotiable.
Patterns of Codependence
By Robert Burney
1 The Aggressive6Aggressive )e*ense or >militant bull)o5er>
1 The Aggressive6Passive +erson, or >sel*6sacri*icing bull)o5er>
1 The Passive6Aggressive, or >militant martyr,>
1 The Passive6Passive, or >sel*6sacri*icing martyr>
Codependence "efinition
#o)e+en)ent <o More, by Melo)y Beattie, <e& ?or4, 'a5el)on Foun)ation,
!"9
,e*ining the #o)e+en)ent Person
:ne &ho has let another +erson;s behavior a**ect him or her, an) &ho is
obsesse) &ith controlling that +erson;s behavior.
:ne &hose ASel*B &as un)er)evelo+e) that s=he becomes )e+en)entC a))icte)
to the esteem D acce+tance o* others *or survival to the +oint that it hurtsC
-ullibility, ,ece+tionC Mani+ulations, Sel*6 ,e*eat, Tragic6 outcomes, Ein6 Fose,
2
,ehumani5ation, GH !!" M Eong, Ph,I
This is a relationshi+ &here another +erson@s behavior is a**ecting the
co)e+en)ent;s sense o* &ell6being, an) they become obsesse) &ith controlling
that +erson@s behavior.
#he $ord Codependence
1 Alcoholics Anonymous GAAI 0 Foun)ing o* treatment centers in the late !.0s
an) early !70s.
1 Mi)6to6late !90Bs 0 Behavior +atterns o* *amilies a**ecte) by a))iction.
1 Family Systems ,ynamics.
1 A)ults &ho ha) gro&n u+ in Alcoholic *amilies
"S% Criteria for Codependence
GI #onsensual investment o* sel*6esteem in the ability to in*luence=control
*eelings an) behavior in sel* an) others in the *ace o* obvious a)verse
conseJuences
G2I Assum+tion o* res+onsibility *or meeting other@s nee)s to the e2clusion o*
ac4no&le)ging one@s o&n nee)s
G%I An2iety an) boun)ary )istortions in situations o* intimacy an) se+aration
G$I 3nmeshment in relationshi+s &ith +ersonality )isor)ere), )rug )e+en)ent
an) im+ulse )isor)ere) in)ivi)ualsK an)
.I 32hibits Gin any combinations o* three or moreI
#onstriction or emotions &ith or &ithout )ramatic outbursts, )e+ression,
hy+er vigilance, com+ulsions, an2iety,
32cessive reliance on )enial, substance abuse,
Recurrent +hysical or se2ual abuse,
Stress6relate) me)ical illness
A +rimary relationshi+ &ith an active a))ict *or at least t&o years &ithout
see4ing outsi)e su++ort.
#he &amily Environment Of Codependence
#o6)e+en)ent Parent

Abuse chil)

I am a ba) chil)

Something is &rong &ith me

I am ashame)

Per*orm *or a++roval=love

'in)er ,evelo+ment o* -o)=true sel*

3
#ontrol others to +rotect D reconcile +ain
Contrasting &amilies
Functional
Trusting is :L
Feeling is :L
Tal4ing is :L
3ach #hil) is S+ecial
Fove is uncon)itional
Geven a*ter a mista4eI
<on6to2ic Shame6-uilt )evelo+e)
<o nee) to 4ee+ Secrets
#ommunication is #lear D ,irect
Free D :+enC Secure
-ro&th6:+timism Pro)ucing
,ys*unctional
Trusting is not :L
Feeling is not :L
Tal4ing is not :L
3ach #hil) is Eorthless
Fove is Transactional
G<o acce+tance a++roval=a**irmationI
Blame6Shame6Per*ormance base)
Lee+er o* Family Secret
,ouble6bin), mi2e) meanings
An2ious6RestrictiveC Fear
Preci+itate Sel*6,e*eating Behaviors
&amily 'ules Sustaining Codependence
. ,on;t Tal4 About Problems
2. ,on;t 32+ress Feelings :+enly
%. Al&ays #ommunicate In)irectly
$. 32+ectations Are (nrealistic, Fantasy6Base)
.. ,on;t Be Sel*ish
7. ,o As I Say ... <ot As I ,o
9. It;s <ot :L To Play, Rela2
". ,on;t Roc4 The Boat
Progression of Codependence
By Robert Subby
Phase (
) &irst Phase
Begin &ith Public an)
+rivate sel* uni*ie)

Regression o* normal
thoughts an) *eelings

Increase) tolerance
to&ar) +ain*ul interaction

Phase *
) !cute Phase
#om+ulsive behavior to
me)icate inner +ain

,elusion an) +ro8ection o*

+ain onto relationshi+s
4
an) situations

Phase +
) Chronic Phase
Psychosomatic Sym+toms begin
G+ain, hea)aches, insomnia,
lo&er bac4 +ain, chest +ainI

32treme moo) s&ings, +hysical

an) emotional brea4)o&n,
severe )e+ression an) thoughts
o* suici)e.

Full )evelo+ment o* se+arate)

+ublic an) +rivate sel*
#reatment from Codependency
The Bible on #o)e+en)ence
,etting -o of Over)'esponsibility
>I* I )on@t )o it, it &on@t get )one right. Someone has to )o it, I guess it@ll have
to be me.>
0 32o)us "C%62$
Ehenever they have a )is+ute, it is brought to me, an) I )eci)e bet&een the
+arties an) in*orm them o* -o)@s )ecrees an) la&s.>
AMoses@ *ather6in6la& re+lie), >Ehat you are )oing is not goo). ?ou an) these
+eo+le &ho come to you &ill only &ear yourselves out.
,etting -od -ive .s 'est
>It@s :.L. It is not that ba). I can manage, than4s. I &oul)n@t actually say I@m
bur)ene), I 8ust get a little tire) sometimes.>
0Matthe& C2"6%0
>#ome to me, all you &ho are &eary an) bur)ene), an) I &ill give you rest.
Ta4e my yo4e u+on you an) learn *rom me, *or I am gentle an) humble in
heart, an) you &ill *in) rest *or your souls. For my yo4e is easy an) my bur)en
is light.
,etting -o of "enial
>Ee )ress u+ &hen &e go to church an) &e smile a lot. As long as no one
comes to the house, no one really 4no&s that things aren@t going &ell.B
1 Psalm 02C6, 9620
>The For) loo4e) )o&n *rom his sanctuary on high, *rom heaven he vie&e) the
earth, to hear the groans o* the +risoners an) release those con)emne) to
5
)eath>
,etting -od /elp .s #ell the #ruth
Being nice may *eel sa*e an) may even *eel >#hristian> to many +eo+le. The
reality is that >niceA is o*ten a lie. It is o*ten a cover *or )ee+ hurt an) anger.
1 Matthe& "C.69
>I* your brother sins against you, go an) sho& him his *ault, 8ust bet&een the
t&o o* you. I* he listens to you, you have &on your brother over.B
,etting -o of lame
>I am miserable. It is all your *ault. I* you &oul) change, I &oul) be ha++y
again.>
1 -enesis %C6%
AThen the For) -o) sai) to the &oman, >Ehat is this you have )oneM> The
&oman sai), >The ser+ent )eceive) me, an) I ate.>
,etting -od #a0e Care of #hose $e ,ove
>I can@t 8ust sit here an) )o nothing. 'e nee)s me no& more than ever. <o one
un)erstan)s him li4e I )o. I@m his only ho+e.>
1 Mar4 0C962%
>I can@t 8ust sit here an) )o nothing. 'e nee)s me no& more than ever. <o one
un)erstan)s him li4e I )o. I@m his only ho+e.>
Psychothera+y Issues
. S+iritual integration o* belie* in (ncon)itionally Foving -o)
2. Re)uce sel* hate, guilt an) sel* +unishment
%. Fearn to *eel an) e2+ress anger
$. I)enti*y an) nurture Atrue sel*B e2+ression
.. Restructure cognitive belie*s about relationshi+ rules an) boun)aries
7. ,evelo+ sel* &orth an) sel* res+ect
9. ,evelo+ healthy relationshi+s &ith clear boun)aries
". Reconcile boun)ary violations an) con*ront *amily rules
!. ,evelo+ true sel*
2 Ste+ Program
#he #welve Promises of Co)"ependents !nonymous
. I 4no& a ne& sense o* belonging. The *eeling o* em+tiness an) loneliness
&ill )isa++ear.
2. I am no longer controlle) by my *ears. I overcome my *ears an) act &ith
courage, integrity an) )ignity.
%. I 4no& a ne& *ree)om.
6
$. I release mysel* *rom &orry, guilt, an) regret about my +ast an) +resent. I
am a&are enough not to re+eat it.
.. I 4no& a ne& love an) acce+tance o* mysel* an) others. I *eel genuinely
lovable, loving an) love).
7. I learn to see mysel* as eJual to others. My ne& an) rene&e) relationshi+s
are all &ith eJual +artners.
9. I am ca+able o* )evelo+ing an) maintaining healthy an) loving relationshi+s.
The nee) to control an) mani+ulate others &ill )isa++ear as I learn to trust
those &ho are trust&orthy.
". I learn that it is +ossible to men) 6 to become more loving, intimate an)
su++ortive. I have the choice o* communicating &ith my *amily in a &ay &hich
is sa*e *or me an) res+ect*ul o* them.
!. I ac4no&le)ge that I am a uniJue an) +recious creation.
0. I no longer nee) to rely solely on others to +rovi)e my sense o* &orth.
. I trust a gui)ance I receive *rom my For) Nesus an) come to believe in my
o&n ca+abilities.
2. I gra)ually e2+erience serenity, strength, an) s+iritual gro&th in my )aily
li*e.
'esources
Against the Eall, men@s reality in a co)e+en)ent culture, by Marshal 'ar)y an)
Nohn 'ough
Bac4 *rom Betrayal, Recovering *rom 'is A**airs, by Nenni*er Schnei)er, M.,.
Beyon) #o)e+en)ency, an) getting better all the time, by Melo)y Beattie
Boun)aries D Relationshi+s, 4no&ing +rotecting D en8oying the sel*, by #harles
F. Ehit*iel), M.,.
Boun)ariesC Ehere ?ou 3n) an) I Begin, by Anne Latherine, M.A.
#hoice6Ma4ing, *or co)e+en)ents, a)ult chil)ren an) s+irituality see4ers, by
Sharon Eegschei)er6#ruse
#o)e+en)enceC misun)erstoo)6mistreate), by Anne Eilson Schae*
#o)e+en)ent <o More, ho& to sto+ controlling others an) start caring *or
yoursel*, by Melo)y Beattie
Facing #o)e+en)ence, by Pia Mello)y
'ealing TogetherC a gui)e to intimacy an) recovery *or co6)e+en)ent cou+les,
by Eayne Lritsberg
I@m ,ying To Ta4e #are o* ?ou, nurses an) co)e+en)ence, brea4ing the cycles,
by #an)ace Sno& an) ,avi) Eillar)
7
In Sic4ness an) In 'ealthC The #o)e+en)ent Marriage, by Mary S. Stuart
Is It Fove or Is It Se2MC Ehy Relationshi+s ,on@t Eor4, by #arla Eills6Bran)on
Feaving the 3nchante) ForestC The Path From Relationshi+ A))iction to
Intimacy, by Ste+hanie #ovington an) Fiana Bec4ett
Fost In the Shu**le, the co)e+en)ent reality, by Robert Subby
Reclaiming your sel*C the co)e+en)ent@s recovery +lan, by Brian ,esRoches
Ste+6By6Ste+ -ui)e To Recovery, *or all a)ult survivors an) co)e+en)ents, by
Mohan <air
Tal4, Trust, An) Feel, 4ee+ing co)e+en)ency out o* your li*e, by Melo)y Beattie
The Truth Eill Set ?ou Free, by Fr. Nac4 Mc-innis an) Barbara Shlemon
Emotional Codependence
By Robert Brennan, M.A. MFTI
A+o4ata. Psychological Services
220 Montgomery Street, Suite 0!"
San Francisco, #A !$0%
&&&.#hristianMental'ealth.com
February 200%
32o)us Asia #on*erence 200% 'ong Long
8