WP4 NATIONAL POST, SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2008

Britain is in danger of becoming a surveil-

lance state as authorities launch bugging
operations against 1,000 people a day.
Councils, police and intelligence services
tap and intercept the phone calls, e-mails
and letters of hundreds of thousands of
people every year, an official report said.
Those being bugged include people sus-
pected of illegally dumping garbage. The
report, by Sir Paul Kennedy, the Intercep-
tion of Communications Commissioner,
has fuelled fears that Britain is becoming
a state where private communications
are routinely monitored. It also found the
phones of innocent people were tapped in
error. Britain already has more CCTV cam-
eras per person than any other country in
the world. The Daily Telegraph
W E E K E N D P O S T
WATCH
S OC I ET Y
BY REBECCA FIELD JAGER
I could tell by the look on her face
that something was wrong. Liz and
I hadnt talked for a while, but ours
is the sort of friendship where, when
we get together, we simply pick up
where we left off.
We had left off several months ago
with her telling me how much she
adored the new man in her life. It
was a Sunday morning in a crowded
greasy spoon in which we had some-
how managed to snag a booth, and
she, giddy with the pleasure that is
newfound love, had summed up her
beau in one sentence.
He has millions of friends.
Say no more. We both knew what
that meant. Hes popular, therefore
hes a nice guy and therefore he will
be nice to her. But that was then and
this was now when, in a different
restaurant, in a different season, she
tried to be cheerful, but the sadness
in her soul had seeped into her smile.
Whats wrong? I asked before we
even had our coats off.
We split up.
What happened?
At first it was great, she told me:
They were going out all the time to
parties or for dinner with a bunch of
other couples, or weekends away to
someones cottage where theyd all sit
around and soak up rays on the deck,
drinking and playing around like
people in a beer commercial. Even
on ordinary weeknights, there was
always something happening. She
would drop by his apartment and a
gang would be there watching mov-
ies or sports or playing cards. It was a
lot of fun but, unless they were having
sex, they were rarely alone as a couple.
Even when we were making love,
if the phone rang, Id actually have
to give him the evil eye to keep him
from answering it, she confided.
And when it was just the two of
them, he wasnt the gregarious sweet-
ie-pie he was at parties; instead, he
was grumpy and sullen. Without a
crowd, he could barely find the en-
ergy to speak. Without communica-
tion, the relationship crumbled.
How could I have been so wrong
about him? she asked.
I didn t know, of course, but I
knew this much was true: She wasnt
the first and she wouldnt be the last
woman to ask that question.
To find out why we fall for men
who eventually fall short of our ex-
pectations, I sought the help of ex-
perts who immerse themselves for a
living in the muck of marital messes
and ruined relationships.
Larry Nissan, director of the
Psychotherapy Institute in Toronto,
says that our expectations are wrong
to begin with; that, as a rule, women
interpret behaviour without enough
information and then jump to con-
clusions that are incorrect. He offers
the example of a man who dresses to
the nines at work.
A woman may assume that how
a man dresses at work is how he will
appear to her as a lover, he says.
But the guy could end up being the
type who, after getting dressed up all
week, doesnt want to get out of his
underwear all weekend.
For many women, thats where the
real trouble would begin.
She would assume that a man
who doesnt get out of his undies for
48 hours is taking her for granted,
which means hes not trying any
more, which means he probably
doesnt love her, which means he al-
most certainly has found someone
else. Its like the wrong-assumption
train flying off the rails.
But there is a way to put the brakes
on. You can put an assumption to
the test of time, Nissan says. That
way, you make an assumption based
on reality, not wishful thinking.
Nissan recommends visualizing
a straight line with three dots on it:
one at the beginning, one in the mid-
dle and one at the end. Every time a
man exhibits a specific behaviour you
mark it, or your assumption, next to a
dot. If he exhibits the behaviour three
times in a row, a consistent pattern re-
corded over time emerges that means
the assumption is likely correct.
Lets say you tell your man that
something is bothering you. He gives
you a hug and asks if youd like to
talk. You can safely write Hes sensi-
tive to my feelings next to the first
dot. Spin the clock ahead to the next
time you tell him youre upset. If he
asks you whats for dinner, your as-
sumption is breaking down. At this
point, the lack of consistency alone
should give you pause.
Karyl Pope, a psychotherapist
based in Burlington, Ont., says paus-
ing is not something women do well.
Having been in practice for three
decades, she will say point-blank that
an overwhelming majority of women
dont take the time to look closely at
a mans behaviour, and when they
do, they have a tendency not to look
too deeply.
They examine things but theyre
looking for evidence of qualities they
want to see, Pope says. Once they
spot it, they jump to a positive con-
clusion, and ignore the things that
dont support that conclusion.
And women agonize over what
went wrong.
If you meet a man who is perfect,
the assumption is hes a real catch,
Pope says. But people who appear to
be perfect often focus on their partners
flaws and weaknesses because it helps
maintain their own perfect image.
She offers the example of the total-
ly put-together guy who at first comes
across as helpful because he offers to
take you shopping for a new outfit,
say, but after a while has a comment
every time you go out. Gee, Honey,
you should try bangs, theyd cover the
lines on your forehead.
Sadly, women jump to the wrong
conclusion about all sorts of things,
especially money.
Pope says, Women assume that if a
man is successful, he works hard and
therefore will work hard on the rela-
tionship, too. But the truth is, men
who are doctors, lawyers or sports
heroes dont have to work as hard in
relationships. And they dont.
I asked Pope to give me the low-
down on seven other commonly mis-
interpreted behaviours and things to
look out for to make sure youre on
the right track.
I
ve just returned from my most
boring vacation ever. Allan and
I chose Sanibel and Captiva islands
because they have maintained their
wetlands, and bird and alligator
sanctuaries are said to flourish. It
goes without saying that most of
Florida has been cemented over
to accommodate sanctuaries for
Taco Bell, Walgreens and condo-
miniums, most of which are now
for sale. We were encouraged by
reports that artist Robert Rau-
schenberg kept a house and studio
on Captiva for a time. Certainly, he
was a sophisticate.
To get to these wildlife reserves
you must drive through Fort Myers,
a cement park, until you arrive at
Periwinkle Drive in Sanibel. Its just
as cute as it sounds. There is a shop
called Alice Sells Sea Shells by the
Sea and a restaurant called Grand-
ma Dots.
So where are the alligators? I
asked Allan.
He hates driving in unfamiliar
places and wanted only to get to
where we were staying. Once we get
settled, my goal is to find a decent
place to eat, he announced. Thats
all I ask from this vacation. Allan is
not interested in seashells, an island
specialty, but hoped there was a sanc-
tuary for key lime pie.
Fortunately, our hotel faced the
sea. Unfortunately, the sea was
soundless: no waves of breakers.
Whats the point of being on
the sea if you cant hear it? Allan
grumbled.
I didnt mind. I got up every mor-
ning when the tide was out and
walked along the beach feeling the
sea breeze. I kept thinking of every-
one freezing in Toronto, which made
me feel even better.
By the time Allan was up, the
breeze had gone down and it was
too hot for a walk, so he sat on a
deck chair and studied his drivers
manual. Allan has reached the age
where he must take an exam if he
wants to keep his drivers licence,
and one would think he was back at
Oxford the way he buried his nose in
that manual.
We had brought three books about
Picasso written by John Richardson
and he didn t crack one open the
whole time. I decided that, no matter
how good an artist he was, Picassos
misogyny and deviousness made him
one of the great SOBs of all time. To
tell you the truth, I am a visual idiot
and dare I admit this? Picassos
work leaves me cold.
Around the third day, I asked, So
when are we going to the wetlands
to see the birds and alligators? (My
friend Popsy had been there a few
days before, but she hadnt sounded
all that enthusiastic. I did see a
roseate heron, she said, but it was
pretty hot outside.)
The Fort Myers area is sometimes
called white bread country. You rare-
ly see Hispanics, Jews or other eth-
nics who like Florida. And you will
never find a loaf of 12-grain bread,
either. So one good thing is that
when we had breakfast out, every-
one was fatter than I am, diet worries
not having reached this part of Flor-
ida. While I searched unsuccessfully
for skim milk for my cereal, every-
one else was eating Belgian waffles
topped with Dream Whip, stacks
of pancakes with artificial maple
syrup, hash-browns fried the day be-
fore, instant grits and eggs any way
you want them all free extras. I
ordered chaste poached eggs, but in
this place all you have to do is inhale
to gain weight. But the orange juice
was fresh.
I counted off the days by the num-
ber of key lime pies Allan consumed.
Few met his standard. Key lime pie
must be tart, with a graham wafer
crust, and I dont think you can get a
true key lime pie in Florida. Key limes
are very small and grow on smallish
trees in privately owned gardens. I
doubt if they have groves of key lime
trees for supermarket consumption.
Poor Allan, over the course of our
holiday he was given cheesecake key
lime pie, key lime pie with no lime
flavour and a deconstructed key lime
pie in which the key ingredients were
served separately: a little cup of lime
sherbet in the middle and a graham
wafer cracker on the side.
There was not much to do except
visit the bird and alligator sanctu-
ary. So one day, when everyone was
wearing a jacket because it was only
70 degrees, we decided this was the
day we would see the roseate herons
and alligators.
When we arrived, we were told we
could bike through the sanctuary or
take a little train. We Gotliebs dont
bike. We were told there were two al-
ligators in the estuary and about 50
people staring at them. Our leader
said that if one more person breathed
on those creatures theyd kick the
bucket. We did see a bunch of roseate
herons at a distance, though opera
glasses would have helped. But there
were other herons, grey and white,
that thrilled Allan.
That same day we ate at Grandma
Dots, where he had the best key lime
pie on the island. There were also
wonderful oysters. It was sufficient
to prevent utter desperation.
Weekend Post
Hangin
with the
fatties in
Florida
SONDRA GOTLIEB
Our vacation
in the land of faux
key lime pie
MIKE STOCKER / SOUTH FLORIDA SUN-SENTINEL / MCT
So where are the alligators? wondered Sondra Gotlieb.
Behaviour He has millions of friends.
Assumption He must be a terrific
guy.
Possible reality He is unable to be
alone and is needy for attention.
Test Do you ever call him and hes
spending a quiet evening at home?
Does he ever turn down an invita-
tion to a party to spend an evening
alone with you? If not, be prepared
for a relationship that never deepens
and for the day when hell be in the
driveway chatting up the neighbours
while youre stuck in the house look-
ing after the kids.
Behaviour He cries during Lassie.
Assumption Hes sensitive.
Possible reality He may be able to
feel emotions only on a fantasy level
or for people he has no direct contact
with.
Test Listen for him to say things
like, I was so embarrassed when
or I felt so bad when I did this
If youre with a guy for a while who
never expresses his own feelings,
especially negative ones, he wont
be comfortable talking about his
personal pain or yours.
Behaviour He has wonderful
manners.
Assumption He is educated and
thoughtful.
Possible reality These are behav-
iours he has learned to impress you
and people he perceives as important.
Test Watch how he treats those who
work in the services and strangers
on the street. As James D. Miles said,
You can easily judge the character
of a man by how he treats those who
can do nothing for him.
Behaviour He treats his mother
great.
Assumption Hell treat me great.
Possible reality Hes a mamas boy.
Test Ask to meet his mother and pay
attention to whether he treats you
just as well in front of her. If she hap-
pens to criticize you, and he doesnt
come to your defence, run!
Behaviour He tells you all his
troubles.
Assumption He is humble, open and
honest.
Possible reality He has perfected
his presentation of pathetic because
he knows it attracts women who are
fixers.
Test If, when you meet his friends
and co-workers, the first thing they
all say is, So, youre Bobs girlfriend.
Isnt that terrible what happened to
him? hes likely one of those guys
who wants everyone to look after
him, especially the woman in his life.
Behaviour He doesnt kowtow to
anybody, even people in authority.
Assumption He is confident and
assertive.
Possible reality Hes cocky and
aggressive.
Test Observe him when he speaks
to cops, customs officers and other
people who are in charge of a situa-
tion. If he seems unduly rude, angry
or pushy, he may suffer from an
inferiority complex, which means
youll spend the rest of your life
sweating bullets every time youre
pulled over, trying to cross the bor-
der or dealing with the taxman.
Behaviour Hes a good lover.
Assumption Hes a loving man.
Possible reality Either through a lot
of experience or a lot of porn, he has
learned how to impress the new girl
in his lair.
Test See how he treats you in bed
when youre sick. If he dotes and is
equally intent on helping you feel
better, hes a keeper.
Weekend Post
NE W- B OYF RI E ND RE A L I T Y C HE C K
He seemed like
the perfect guy
Womens assumptions about men often lead to disappointment