It all started when our antagonizing protagonist, Bill Brasky, woke up in a f

oxy forest. It was the seventh time it had happened. Feeling very worried, Bill
Brasky deflowered a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as
usual, it did not). Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he r
ealized that his beloved iPad was missing! Immediately he called his bed-friend
, Leroy Jenkins. Bill Brasky had known Leroy Jenkins for (plus or minus) 11,000
years, the majority of which were eccentric ones. Leroy Jenkins was unique. She
was intelligent though sometimes a little... clueless. Bill Brasky called her a
nyway, for the situation was urgent.
Leroy Jenkins picked up to a very nervous Bill Brasky. Leroy Jenkins calmly a
ssured him that most man-eating capybaras yawn before mating, yet Indonesian dev
il cats usually flamboyantly turn red *after* mating. She had no idea what that
meant; she was only concerned with distracting Bill Brasky. Why was Leroy Jenki
ns trying to distract Bill Brasky? Because she had snuck out from Bill Brasky's
with the iPad only five days prior. It was a eccentric little iPad... how coul
d she resist?
It didn't take long before Bill Brasky got back to the subject at hand: his i
Pad. Leroy Jenkins cringed. Relunctantly, Leroy Jenkins invited him over, assuri
ng him they'd find the iPad. Bill Brasky grabbed his giraffe and disembarked imm
ediately. After hanging up the phone, Leroy Jenkins realized that she was in tro
uble. She had to find a place to hide the iPad and she had to do it deftly. She
figured that if Bill Brasky took the homemade car, she had take at least eleven
minutes before Bill Brasky would get there. But if he took the Segway? Then Le
roy Jenkins would be very screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Leroy Jenkins was interru
pted by two pestering marmots that were lured by her iPad. Leroy Jenkins cringed
; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling pleased, she recklessly reached for her dull
pencil and recklessly deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an
adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fo
xy forest, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she
heard the Segway rolling up. It was Bill Brasky.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unschedule
d stop at McDonald's to pick up a 12-pack of dangerous oil-soaked rags, so he kn
ew he was running late. With a inept leap, Bill Brasky was out of the Segway an
d went indiscriminately jaunting toward Leroy Jenkins's front door. Meanwhile i
nside, Leroy Jenkins was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the iPad into a b
ox of ripened avocados and then slid the box behind her whale. Leroy Jenkins was
frustrated but at least the iPad was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Leroy Jenkins charismatically purred. With a careful push, Bill B
rasky opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some se
lfish beer-sloshed tool in a tricked out go kart,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Leroy
Jenkins assured him. Bill Brasky took a seat hilariously close to where Leroy Je
nkins had hidden the iPad. Leroy Jenkins belched trying unsuccessfully to hide h
er nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Bill Brasky wa
s distracted. Giggling like schoolgirl, Leroy Jenkins noticed a clueless look on
Bill Brasky's face. Bill Brasky slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Leroy Jenkins felt a stabbing pain in her love handle when Bill Brasky asked
this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the iPad right
by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasi
ve look started to form on Bill Brasky's face. He turned to notice a box that se
emed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's bananas from when
she used to have pet legless puppies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. B
ill Brasky nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Leroy Jenkins could r
eact, Bill Brasky aimlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The iPad was p
lainly in view.
Bill Brasky stared at Leroy Jenkins for what what must've been eight minutes.
Before anyone could take off their pants, Leroy Jenkins groped exotically in Bi
ll Brasky's direction, clearly desperate. Bill Brasky grabbed the iPad and bolte
d for the door. It was locked. Leroy Jenkins let out a eccentric chuckle. 'If o
nly you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happene
d, Bill Brasky,' she rebuked. Leroy Jenkins always had been a little stupid, so
Bill Brasky knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape befo
re Leroy Jenkins did something crazy, like... start chucking live hand grenades
at her or something. Ever so extemperaneously, he gripped his iPad tightly and m
ade a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Leroy Jenkins looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. Th
e other door was open, you know.' Silence from Bill Brasky. 'And to think, I var
nished that window frame four days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tin
ge of concern for Bill Brasky. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Leroy Jenkins w
alked over to the window and looked down. Bill Brasky was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Bill Brasky was struggling to make his way through the fanstic p
umpkin patch behind Leroy Jenkins's place. Bill Brasky had severely hurt his kid
ney during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack
of feral marmots suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the iPad. One by one
they latched on to Bill Brasky. Already weakened from his injury, Bill Brasky
yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losi
ng consciousness was a buzzing horde of marmots running off with his iPad.
But then God came down with His charismatic smile and restored Bill Brasky's
iPad. Feeling worried, God smote the marmots for their injustice. Then He got i
n His homemade car and blasted away with the fortitude of 61 3-legged wallabies
running from a little pack of Indonesian devil cats. Bill Brasky ran with joy w
hen he saw this. His iPad was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in eleven
minutes his favorite TV show, Two and a Half Men, was going to come on (followe
d immediately by 'When Indonesian devil cats meet unborn fetus'). Bill Brasky wa
s thrilled. And so, everyone except Leroy Jenkins and a few unborn fetus-toting
long-haired sea monkeys lived blissfully happy, forever after.