It all started when our predictably heroic protagonist, Bill Brasky, woke up

in a swamp. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling ridiculously worried
, Bill Brasky poked a ninja star, thinking it would make her feel better (but as
usual, it did not). A few unfulfilled decades later, she realized that her belo
ved iPad was missing! Immediately she called her overtly elitist, rich friend,
Leroy Jenkins. Bill Brasky had known Leroy Jenkins for (plus or minus) 550,000 y
ears, the majority of which were striking ones. Leroy Jenkins was unique. He wa
s plucky though sometimes a little... funny-smelling. Bill Brasky called him any
way, for the situation was urgent.
Leroy Jenkins picked up to a very unhappy Bill Brasky. Leroy Jenkins calmly a
ssured her that most spotted wolf hamsters cringe before mating, yet South Ameri
can hissing sloths usually scandalously yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what
that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Bill Brasky. Why was Leroy
Jenkins trying to distract Bill Brasky? Because he had snuck out from Bill Bras
ky's with the iPad only nine days prior. It was a striking little iPad... how c
ould he resist?
It didn't take long before Bill Brasky got back to the subject at hand: her i
Pad. Leroy Jenkins yawned. Relunctantly, Leroy Jenkins invited her over, assurin
g her they'd find the iPad. Bill Brasky grabbed her rhinocerus and disembarked i
mmediately. After hanging up the phone, Leroy Jenkins realized that he was in tr
ouble. He had to find a place to hide the iPad and he had to do it aggressively.
He figured that if Bill Brasky took the hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle, he had
take at least five minutes before Bill Brasky would get there. But if she took
the Segway? Then Leroy Jenkins would be barely screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Leroy Jenkins was interrup
ted by five clueless marmots that were lured by his iPad. Leroy Jenkins grimaced
; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he carefully reached for his live ha
nd grenade and fearlessly hit every last one of them. Apparently this was an ade
quate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the imagin
ery desert, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he h
eard the Segway rolling up. It was Bill Brasky.