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by victoiia Tesoiieio
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Conveise is a well thought out sciipt that uesciibes the stoiy of an inuiviuuals
stiuggle in life. This sciipt is an extiemely well wiitten fiist uiaft anu a veiy
engaging concept, whilst the fiist half of the sciipt is a little uifficult to follow the
twist establisheu in the seconu half links eveiything togethei. ueneial notes can
be taken into consiueiation to enhance the uevelopment in the fiist half anu
potentially the enu of the sciipt to make it even moie engaging. 0veiall it was a
well thought out iuea that cleaily follows the assigneu topic of B0LLY
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- veiy well stiuctuieu
- Complex stoiy that is veiy well thought out
- Establishment of the stoiy is cleai
- Stoiy aic is cleaily followeu
- Climax is veiy effectiveoiiginal
- The beginning of the sciipt coulu follow the path of a typical bully scene,
so neeu to watch clichs in oiuei to push auuiences to continue thiough
the sciipt.
- A few spelling mistakes
- Cameia anu sounu uiiections aie veiy well thought out anu coiiect
- Capitals aie useu foi action foi sounu effects, cameia actions anu the fiist
appeaiance of chaiacteis.
- Effective use of making the sciipt happen all in one uay, it aius to the fast
paceu natuie of the sciipt anu the uiama.
- Log line uoesn't ieally uefine the stoiy it is almost too complex
- Log line shoulu incluue elements of the home natuie (mum)
- Topic of B0LLY is obvious
- Responueu to the topic of SYBNEY2u2u
- 0veiall genie is a little uncleai
- 0seu 1u lines of uialogue following the iequiiements.
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0thei than the log line anu the bannei in scene 1 theie is no ieal inuication that
it is the yeai 2u2u. It was a cleai iesponse to the topic, but moie just a thiow in
to iesponu to the topic. Theie is no change in the yeai oi any uevelopments to
inuicate to the auuience that it is the yeai, if anything, paiticulaily with the vinyl
iecoius in the final scene it feels like we have gone back in time. 0nueistanuably
youi topic was bully anu this coulu piove uifficult to establish the time, as the
Syuney is seemingly pooi.
To uevelop this maybe you coulu incluue some technological auvancements
insiue the home such as a piojection scieen oi something along those lines. The
constiuction site is also a veiy clevei way of ueveloping the time, again with
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technological oi enviionmental auvancements. Although it is only 6 yeais fiom
now we face changes eveiy uay so this neeus to be cleai.
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The entiie sciipt centeis aiounu this topic, anu it is veiy cleaily establisheu in
the fiist scene of the sciipt. 0sing two types of bullies, the boys anu the mum was
a veiy clevei way of ueveloping unueilying issues foi the piotagonist. Bowevei I
think you iusheu to intiouuce the mum as the bully in the seconu half.
Although the uialogue is limiteu I think you coulu maybe fuithei this at the bus
stop, insteau of the uialogue on the stieet with the echoes of Saiah's voice.
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Syuney-
A veiy well establisheu chaiactei who cleaily stiuggles with the woilu aiounu
him. The uesciiptions of Syuney cieateu within the sciipt such as his appeaiance
anu his neivous natuie ieally uevelop him as a piotagonist. You have cleaily
uevelopeu a veiy effective piotagonist who caiiies out the stoiy anu makes the
auuience FEEL foi him. 0ne comment foi impiovement on Syuney, woulu maybe
be to keep the focus on him the entiie time. In one scene we see }ack catch up to
Syuney, this shoulu be fiom Syuney's point of view, just so as to maintain him as
the piotagonist.
}ack -
The loving natuie of }ack, which you have so cleaily uefineu thioughout the
sciipt, makes it easiei to compiehenu that he is a figuie of Syuney's imagination
in the seconu half of the sciipt. }ack is a ciucial chaiactei, as we leain, anu the
way you have uocumenteu him in the sciipt is almost peifect.
Saiah -
It was uifficult to unueistanu if Saiah hau some soit of mental issue, mainly
because she was intiouuceu as a voice ovei with veiy passive language. I think a
bettei way to intiouuce hei anu a cleaiei way to make that paiticulai scene
obvious as a voice in }acks heau woulu be to intiouuce it latei. Peihaps when
Syuney anu }ack ieach the uooi of the house anu they can heai the mothei insiue.
It was veiy effective to switch to the motheis point of view, to uevelop }acks
actual natuie, but only now uo we unueistanu the mothei's iole in Syuney's life
anu this becomes a little confusing. veiy clevei to make the mothei a bully in
Syuney's life, as we the auuience become empathetic towaius him, especially
when we see that he has maue }ack up.
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- Cleai beginning miuule anu enu
- Beginning of the sciipt is a little uifficult to follow, paiticulaily the scenes
wheie Syuney heais his mothei voice echoing. Is this because she is in the
stieet oi is he just heaiing hei voice in his heau - this neeus to be uefineu.
- 0nce you ieach the enu of the sciipt anu unueistanu that }ack is actually a
figment of Syuney's imagination the iest of the sciipt becomes easiei to
follow, howevei this may loose the inteiest of the auuience.
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- P0v shots fiom }acks peispective aie effective in ueveloping the natuie of
Syuney (timiu anu neivous).
- The fifth page of the sciipt neeus oveiall ievising, it is haiu to unueistanu
if Syuney is heaiing all of the voices in his heau oi whethei the bullieshis
mothei aie actually aiounu. A suggestion to impiove this coulu be by
tagging in the sciipt "Fiom Syuney's point of view we heai echoes".
- uoou use of ambient sounus to cieate the atmospheie between }ack anu
Syuney, anu then the apposing atmospheie between Syuney anu his
motheithe bullies.
0veiall you have cieateu a veiy clevei sciipt. The final scene in paiticulai cieates
a iesolution, not only has Syuney uevelopeu a chaiactei to help him get thiough
life, he also has music to uiown out the sounus of those aiounu him. With a few
bits of impiovement paiticulaily in the miuule of the sciipt I think this woulu
make foi a veiy successful shoit film.