JorgeandYolandaweremarriedonthe10thofFebruary,1977.

Fromtheverystart,theywereanatypicalcoupleashewas
bacteriophageandsheanE.colibacteria.Unionsofthatcombination
tendedtonotendwell.
TheirstoryrunsmuchlikethemicroscopicversionofRomeoand
Juliet:

TheyfirstmetinabacterialcolonywhereYolandassecondclone
twiceremovedhadfoundanice,humidplacetoreplicateinthe
intestinesofsomeunfortunatesoulwhohappenedtoeatatArby'sa
fewhoursearlier.Yolandawasinthemiddleoftelophase(detaching
herselffromhernewclone)whenJorgeranintoherfamilycolony.

Diosmiomicorazon,
Jorgewouldofthoughtifhehadtheabilityto
think.
Ivejuststumbleduponthebestplacetoreplicate,like,
EVER.

AndsoJorgeproceededtoinjecthisdoublestrandedRNAintoallof
Yolandasfamily,whichmademoreclonesofhimselfbutkilledallof
Yolandasrelatives.WhenonlyYolandawasleftandallofJorges
relativesweregoinginforthekill,Jorgestoppedthemintheir
tracks.

Thischickdoesnthavetherightouterproteinsforustoattack
her.Youguysbettergoaway.IhavetoconsoleherbecauseI
basicallyexplodedherwholefamilyusingyouguys.

JorgemovedtowardsYolandaalongtheintestinalcellssurrounding
them.Yolandawastryingtoreplicateherselfinvain.

Imgettingtoooldforthis,shesaid,sadlyruminatingonher
unhappyfateinsidetheintestinaltractofsomefastfood
frequenter.IwillneverbeabletoraisethefamilythatIdreamed
ofwhenIwasfirstcloned.

Icanhelpyouraiseafamily,Yolanda.

What?Whoisthat?saidYolandafrombehindaveilofsadtears.

IamJorge.Iamabacteriophage,butIamnotgoingtokillyou.

Notecreo
!shoutedYolanda.Shequicklytwistedherflagella
togetherandswirledawaythroughtheintestinaltract.Unfortunately
forher,shehadaveryadamantpursuer.


***

WhenYolandaarrivedafewmicrometersaway,shestopped,tiredfrom
herquickburstofenergy.
IhopethatIhavegottenridofthatstupidimposter,
thought
Yolanda.
Allhewantedwastokillmetoo,andafterallthathedid
tomyfamily!
Yolandaproceededtoweepevenmoreproteinsontothe
cellmembraneofanintestinalcell.

Lady,youhavetostopdoingthat,youremessingupthehomeostasis
aroundhere.

Whatareyou,ahippy?Iammessingwithnojujuvibeshere,you
weirdomusclecell.

Isaid
homeostasis,
notjujuvibes,andIammostdefinitelynota
hippy.

Whatever.Iamnotregulatedbyanypituitarygland,Iaman
independentbacterium,andIdontneedanyoneelseotherthan
myself.Youbodycellsarealwayssoweakanddependent.

Well,youdontseemsoindependent,floatingthere,cryingabout
everything.Infact,youseemawfullylonely.MostE.colihave
familiesandstuff,whydontyouhaveone?

PORQUEPIENSAQUEYOLLORO?
shescreamed.Myfamilyis
muerto
,all
becauseofthatstupidbacteriophage!(saidinasarcasticflirty
Mexicanaccent)

Whoyoucallinstupid?saidJorgefrombehindthemusclecell.

Yallneedtostopharassingme,saidtheintestinalcell,now
becomingseverelyannoyed.

You
needtostopharassingme,saidYolandatoJorge.

ButIloveyou,Yolanda,andIwillbehere,waitingforyou,when
yourealizethatyoulovemeback.

Whattheheckareyoutalkingabout,youcrazystupidbacteriophage?
AfewnanosecondsagoIwascryingmyeyesoutbecauseyouexploded

mywholefamily!Andnowyousayyouloveme?Whatisgoingonin
yoursick,sickmind?

Ihavenomind,saidJorge,onlylove.

Ohshutupandleavemealone,yelledYolanda,swirlingawayfrom
Jorge.

Asyouwish,
miamor.

Talktomyflagellum!Yolandayelledback.

ButIalreadyhaveourmarriagelicense!Werelegallymarried,
mi
amor
!

***

Jorgewaitedandwaitedformanymilliseconds,attachedtothe
petulantintestinalcellthathadfirstseenYolanda.
Imso
preocupado
!,criedJorge.WhereisYolanda?Hassomething
happenedtoher?Issheok?

Dude,shutup.

Iwillnevershutup!IwillonlyshutupforYolanda,
miamor!

Dude,yourecrazy.Shesnevergoingtocomeback.Youbursther
entirefamilytopieces.Youhavetomoveon.

Afterferventlyrefusingtoadmitthathislovewasgone,Jorgesat
downandcriedout,Youmayberight,intestinalcell

Minombrees
Gene,interruptedtheintestinalcell.

Well,youmayberight,Gene,Yolandawillprobablyneverreturnto
me,butIwillstayherebecausemyloveforheriseverlasting.Now
IthinkthatIshalltakealong,longnapsincethereisntanything
todohere.

Jorge!criedGene,vainlytryingtowakehimup.Jorge,wakeup!
Pleasedontbedead,itssolonelyherewithnoonetotalkto
exceptforBritney.


Perdon
?saidBritneynextdoor.

YoureasbothersomeasagoatwithOCD,Britney,andyoursinging
annoysmeintensely.Gofindsomeoneelsetohangoutwith.

Youarerude,man.I
will
gofindsomeoneelsetosingto:someone
whoenjoysmysinging.
Hastalavista!

Nowthatshesgone,Jorge,pleasewakeup!
GenecontinuedinvaintowakeupJorge.

Teamo
,hewhisperedashedied.

***

Yolanda,againstallexpectations,camebackonthatfateful
afternoon.Itwasagruesomescene.

AHHHHHH!shescreamed,lookingatGene.
AHHHHHHHH!shescreamedagain,thistimelookingatJorge.

Mylove,Jorge!YouwaitedformeallthesemicrosecondsbutIdid
notcomebackintime!Wearelegallymarried,mydear,butwenever
gottotrulyknoweachother.Wecouldhavehadchildren!!

Technically,youcouldnthave,saidBritneynearby.

Shutup,Britney,noonewantstohearyourightnow.

Areyoutalkingtome?

Ohyeah,Iamtalkingto
you!

Andsoafightbegan,fromwhichYolandaemergedvictorious.
Ihavetotalktomypoor,sweet,husbandnow,youstupidcell.

Britneytwitchedweakly.

SheglidedovertowhereJorgesatattachedtoGeneshead.She
reachedoutandcaressedhiscapsid(head)withoneofherflagellum
(armlikething).
HowcanIlivewithoutyou,mylove?shecriedoutindismay.
Isimplycannot.Iwilljoinyouinparadise.
Hastaluego
,dearest.


Yolandaswirledoutinthepathofagiganticphagocyte.
PORJORGE!sheyelled.ThephagocyteateherjustasJorgewokeup.

Crap,hesaid.Yolanda,youmaybethecellIfellinlovewith,
butyouaintthatbright.Virusescantdie,
miamor
!Iwillsave
you!

SoJorgeranintothepathofthehugephagocyte,determinedto
rescueYolanda.

Releaseher,youfiend!hecried.Iwilltearyou

...Andthephagocyteatehim.

THEEND