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Improving Listening Skills
Improving Listening Skills
WHAT
PARAPHRASING
To paraphrase, one simply rewords what another individual has said. For example,
the speaker might say, "She was foolish to quit her job." The listener might respond,
"I hear you saying that you believe she shouldn't have quit." What has occurred is
paraphrasing where the listener has clarified what the speaker has said.
OPEN QUESTIONS
An open question explores a person's statement without requiring a simple "yes" or
"no" answer. The basic difference between an open question and a closed question
is what they provide the person being asked. When you are asked an open question
it helps you think more about an issue. A closed question will not do that. It may
force you to answer before you are ready, or require a "yes" or "no" answer that
doesn't allow more thinking about the issue. Closed questions close the door on
further thought, while open questions open the door. For example, the speaker
might say, "I don't like my job." The listener might respond, "What about your job
don't you like?" or, "Tell me more about your feelings regarding your job."
FEELING REFLECTION
Feeling reflection is a response in which you express a feeling or emotion you have
experienced in reference to a particular statement. For example, the speaker might
say, "I get sick of working so much overtime!" The listener might respond, "I hear
you feeling angry and resentful at being asked to work so much overtime." Feeling
reflections are perhaps the most difficult active listening responses to make. Not
only do you actively listen to what is being said but also you actively listen for what
is being felt. When you make a feeling reflection, you are reflecting back what you
hear of another's feelings. It is similar to paraphrasing; however, you repeat what
you heard them feeling instead of what you heard them saying. To understand what
individuals are feeling, you must listen to their words, to their tone of voice, and
watch their body signals. By observing all three you can begin to guess their
feelings.
Listen carefully so that you will be able to understand, comprehend and
evaluate. Careful listening will require a conscious effort on your part. You
must be aware of the verbal and nonverbal messages (reading between the
lines).
Be mentally and physically prepared to listen. Put other thoughts out of your
mind. Your attention will be diverted from listening if you try to think of
answers in advance.
You can't hear if you do all the talking.
Think about the topic in advance, if possible. Be prepared to listen.
Listen with empathy. See the situation from the other's point of view. Try to
put yourself in their shoes.
ROADBLOCKS
TO
EFFECTIVE LISTENING
Warning
interrogating
preaching
ordering
judging
diverting
analyzing
blaming
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labeling
moralizing
probing
ridiculing
threatening
reassuring
distracting
sympathizing
* demanding
* interpreting
* teaching
* withdrawing
* giving
solutions
* scolding
* praising
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advising
criticizing
directing
lecturing
name-calling
REASONS
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To
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TO I MPROVE
LISTENING SKILLS
FEELINGS
FOR
BE
LISTENING
Use these lists of words to help you as you listen for the feelings of others in your
conversations. Try to identify the other person's feeling, and then reflect them back
to the speaker.
Positive feelings include love, affection, concern, interest, elation and joy.
Negative feelings include depression, sadness, distress, fear, anger and anxiety.
PRACTICE LISTENING
FOR
FEELINGS
"I want to thank you for making this the best day of my life. You are all so special
and wonderful. I love you all."
COMMUNICATION STYLES
Understanding the way in which you communicate will help you become a more
effective listener. There are four communication styles: assertive, aggressive,
passive and passive-aggressive. As an assertive communicator, expressing yourself
with confidence and without manipulation, you respect the rights of others and are
likely to listen for ways in which you can solve problems. As an aggressive
communicator, inducing guilt and using control tactics, you are likely to perceive the
words of others as attacking and be on the defense. As a passive communicator you
are less likely to listen for understanding or care about the conversation. A passiveaggressive style avoids verbal confrontation but seeks revenge through exploitation
RESPONSE MATCHING
Listen and look for indicators of passion, sorrow, excitement or fear and respond
accordingly. For example, if your friend is excited about her new promotion at work,
give an upbeat response with a smile instead of looking somber.
CLARIFICATION
Effective listening requires listening for meaning and asking for clarification when
necessary. You can gain clarification through paraphrasing--putting into your own
words what you thought was said and repeating your interpretation to the speaker.
You may be able to include nonverbal cues and say something like, "I see that you
are upset because you feel like your boss does not recognize your strengths." When
asking questions be sure that your tone is neutral and let the speaker know that you
are trying to gain more understanding. For example, asking, "What qualifications do
you possess that make you the best candidate for the job?" is better than asking,
"How can you even be qualified for a job like that?"
AVOID GENERALIZATIONS
A generalization is a broad statement that declares a relationship between one or
more occurrences, people, places or events. Generalizations are usually based on
bias or prejudice and should be avoided when communicating and listening to
others. When speaking, do not use statements like, "You always," or "You never,"
because they place blame and evoke defensiveness in the listener. Listening
effectively requires that you first minimize the influence of bias about the speaker
or the subject matter.
NONVERBAL CUES
According to research by Dr. Laura Janusik, assistant professor of communications
and fine arts at Rockhurst University, spoken words account for only 30 to 35
percent of the meaning of a message. The rest is transmitted through nonverbal
communication that can only be detected through visual and auditory listening.
Folded arms, a frown, widened eyes and fidgeting are all nonverbal cues that are
just as important as spoken language. An effective communicator often uses cues
that match his message and an effective listener can draw on those cues if verbal
messages are unclear or ambiguous.
TALKING
The ability to express your thoughts and feelings in a clear and concise manner is
necessary for effective communication. Understanding your intended message will
allow you to more easily portray it to someone else. Do not assume that the other
person knows what you are thinking or understands your feelings. Take
responsibility by using "I" sentences. For example, "I feel" rather than "you make
me feel." Avoid the use of extreme terms such as "always" and "never."
LISTENING
Listening is often underrated in the art of communication. You can listen without
actually hearing what is said. Active listening encourages effective communication.
Providing a response with nods or verbal acknowledgment lets your wife know that
you are listening. Clarifying what your husband has said, in your own words, ensures
that you are hearing what he is trying to say. Asking questions regarding intent and
meaning will allow you to better understand, while showing that you truly care
about the intended message.
OBSERVING
Be aware of visual cues. If your son has his arms crossed and is facing away from
you, he is likely uncomfortable with the conversation. Observing body language
may allow you to adjust the situation, providing for increased communication
potential. Would it be better to speak privately, or at a different time? Paying
attention to these signals will increase your communication experience .
UNDERSTANDING
To be an effective communicator, you must be able to understand where the other
person is coming from. Know that you might not share the same point of view. Keep
an open mind and avoid judgment, criticism and disagreement. You may listen to
your daughter's point of view while maintaining your own.
EVALUATING
To increase your effectiveness as a communicator, it is important to accurately
assess your strengths and weaknesses. Answering some of these questions may be
helpful if you are honest in your response. Do you talk more than you listen? Do you
interrupt during a conversation? Are you able to clearly state what it is that you are
feeling? Do you give affirmation during a conversation? Does your mind wander if
you don't find the topic interesting? Do you have your mind made up before the
conversation begins? Do you make every conversation about you? If you are
comfortable, ask someone close to you to give their opinion as well.
LISTENING
Listening effectively is important in communication. This means giving the speaker
time to fully state what he wants to say. Nods and verbal acknowledgments indicate
to the speaker that you are listening. After the speaker has finished, repeating what
was said in your own words shows the speaker that you listened and provides a
basis for your response.
BODY LANGUAGE
Body language can be important in effectively communicating. If you look bored or
are constantly looking away or skyward while someone is speaking, you are giving
visual clues that you are not listening to the speaker. Eye contact shows that you
are engaged in the conversation.
SPEAKING
Speaking clearly and directly is important in communicating what you have to say. If
you get at your point in a roundabout way, your message may get lost.
Conversation should be made in non-defensive tones. After making your point, ask
the listener to repeat your message to ensure it was understood correctly.
OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS
Open-ended questions allow the person answering to give responses that are more
fully detailed. For example, a question that elicits a simple "yes" or "no" response
may make the other person feel constricted in responding and may give the
impression that the topic of the conversation is being controlled too tightly.
SUMMARIZING
After a conversation, summarizing what was said helps ensure that the
communication was effective. Each person can summarize the conversation as she
heard it to ensure all parties understood the conversation correctly.
EMOTIONS
FOLLOW UP
If an issue is raised but not resolved during a conversation, a point can be made to
follow up with another conversation. Communication is an ongoing process.