If I Didnt Have You

(Song by Thompson Square)

Jade stood at the wide window, leaning lightly against the cold sill as she stared at the
fluffy white flakes swirling down from the gray clouds. From the fourth floor, she could see
everything happening below. Outside it was a winter wonderland of cars and flashing headlights
as people came and went, ever busy despite the slick roads. A bright light from far off made her
brow furrow slightly as she tried to decipher where it came from, then gave up. Looking down,
she watched as a square, white car pulled up to the main level doors, a dark haired man in blue
coming out to meet it.
Sighing, Jade leaned her forehead against the window. Josh had hair like that. Dark,
nearly black, that contrasted his pale green eyes. Smiling, Jade thought back to the day she had
first seen Josh.
He had been the most obnoxious boy shed ever met, making endless comments, joking
with the professor about such ridiculous things. Jade, seated at the back of the miniature lecture
room, had rolled her eyes as she watched the minutes tick by as the preoccupied professor still
didnt start class. By the end of the hour, shed learned nothing other than the fact that Josh
Samuals was an annoying jerk who should learn to shut his mouth and let the professor teach.
With a little giggle, Jade remembered how she had glared at him every time she saw him,
whether it had been in class or around their small college. Anytime he entered her range of vision
she scowled, her dark brows drawn together in a frown of disapproval. Having an expression like
that, it was no wonder Josh eventually noticed her.
She had been reluctant to admit her feelings at first, choosing to ignore him every time he
tried to talk to her. Soon it had become a ritual for him to walk alongside her, rambling about
whatever was on his mind, while she stared ahead, trying to look disinterested in what he was
saying.
Their first kiss had been in the early summer, when hed surprised her by dragging her
out of the lecture room one day after class, leading her to the long beach by the lake their college
was built around. It had been short just a little brush of the lips but it had made her heart beat
faster than any other precursing kiss.
Jade bit her lip slightly at the memory, feeling herself blush the same way she had that
day. She thought about the feel of his hand in hers, how hed always been touching her after that,
never wanting to be even a fraction of an inch away from her.

A sigh made Jade look over her shoulder into the room where Josh was sitting. His broad
shoulders crouched over his torso as he leaned heavily on his knees, his back to Jade. She could
see the tension in his shoulders and she found herself wishing he wouldnt worry.
Josh had a way of worrying, becoming too emotional over things. When she had scraped
her knee on a hike once, he had insisted they clean and bandage it immediately. Shaking her
head, Jade had let him fuss over her and rewarded him with a kiss when he was done. That was
how it always was with Josh: if he wasnt joking, he was worrying.
Jade leaned back against the window, staring affectionately down at her man. She thought
of how he laughed so loud and emotionally at the Looney Tunes, as if the old cartoons were the
funniest things in the world. How he ran his hands through his hair when he was upset and then
rubbed his chin when he was deep in thought. How his eyes glittered in the candlelight in their
apartment; how his tan skin shone under the hot sun in summer when he was on the boat.
A bright light pulled Jade from her thoughts. Looking up, she squinted at what must be a
florescent lamp pointing at her. Blinking hard, she looked back to Josh as he made a small noise
and then sat up, awakening from his restless sleep. Smiling, Jade waited for him to turn to face
her. Instead, he ran his hands through his disheveled hair and leaned forward, reaching for
something.
Hey, he whispered, his voice crackly, as if he hadnt drunk anything in hours.
Jades brow puckered. Strange. Josh usually couldnt go ten minutes without taking a
swig of something. Why would he let himself grow so hoarse?
Youre so beautiful, Josh continued, voice still low.
Jade cocked her head to the side. Wasnt he supposed to say that to her? Glancing around
the room, she realized for the first time that she hadnt thought about where they were.
Wait, Jade thought, this wasnt right. Last she remembered she and Josh were at the
movies, walking arm-in-arm back to their car. Now they were in a small room, the white walls
close together, making the room seem slightly bigger than it was. How had they gotten here from
there? In front of Josh was a long white bed. Beside it, an IV.
Taking a shaky breath, Jade pushed herself from the window and took a step closer to
Josh, scared to peer over his shoulder. She could see he was holding someones hand. Who was
that? Long black hair draped over a white pillow and suddenly Jade was aware of a slow beeping
noise that was somehow keeping pace with her own heart.
Wasnt your heartbeat supposed to rise when you saw yourself lying unconscious in a
hospital bed? So why was hers still beating so slow?

Josh looked up anxiously to the box keeping time with her heart. A fearful look crossed
his face as he pressed a little red button beside the bed. A moment later, a pair of nurses came in.
Her heartrates dropping, Josh informed them, trying his best not to let his voice waver
as he said it. He couldnt fool Jade: he was on the brink of tears.
Jade watched from her spot by the window as Josh jumped to his feet to allow the nurses
in beside her body, running his hands through his hair again as they called for a doctor. All the
while, the beeping kept pace with her slowing heart, faltering here and there.
God please, she heard Josh whisper. Please dont take her.
Staring at Josh, a wave of remembrance filled Jades mind as the sound of squealing
brakes filled her head. She was waiting by the passenger door for Josh to unlock the car. She was
turning around to see the large suburban coming towards her, the bright headlights swinging in
an arc. Shed been thrown, she remembered, the rear bumper smashing into her side. She
remembered Joshs voice shouting her name
Please, his voice said again, tears now rolling freely down his unshaved face. I cant
do this without her.
Jade, her own, transcendent tears falling, remembered the phrase they had always said to
one another, the night after their first big fight, when she had accused him of loving to get drunk
with his friends more than he liked being with her. God those college days seemed so long ago.
He had said, Without you, this life would kill me. Hed done those things drinking,
smoking, partying to feel something. Until hed found her, hed never cared about his health or
his future. He just lived for the moment. She had given him a future to head toward. She was his
reason for living, and he hers.
Jade walked solemnly over to the man she had loved for over four years. The one she had
made love to, said her vows to, and planned to spend all her days with. But, she knew, those
planned days were already gone.
Placing a ghostly hand upon Joshs face, Jade tried to ignore that bright light behind him.
As the beeping slowed and the doctor shouted something, she knew her husband would have to
live out the rest of his adventures without her. He had to learn to live his life without her. It was
time.
As the beeping faltered, she raised her ethereal lips up to his, letting them rest against his
one final time. Closing her eyes, Jade let that bright light engulf her as one long beep rang out
across the room and a wail came from Joshs lips.
In an instant, she was gone.