whOQue: ®) POISON Svalon The! ESE Mar BR eee BD vere inigh schoo ad yournview reer bok frend kept nising he'd aos nalled” Ede Van Hale's “Erp, on” ol, and you'd be stckin broom wating ll yours ashetred pay again and satin? Tha lite what sen ing C7 jwedtonping nine innate ole spots Only instead of your fiend going-No, wait and stating ovr evry me he fick op, ter’ an arena fall oC lsloulyciercy hi on. And just to show you the Breadth ois chops, Caso throwin amesyatempe at sme Hor Cbs apa jects (Django Reinhardt wold saeiy be enous othe es magnifique tes Cores fo spony Till lp ot pl some seating Miami Vie bee fect ree dive bombs and o-handed tp eee fails. completely devoid o se, strctre or steady tempo, {hisshoald be rested itening for bding guitars every. where Surly theyea do al @) BLUE CHEER Vinebus rapt 0 at Fao RE Theheavistband of ter dx Die Geer ape conic ingens for being the lose ss welciareand jek alike ave spent decades debating the worse pet of hele iI le amy bar rea he fis verse? The Hendrie on-Boone'sFar-and-Qunalues firs? The guna one teksto Rll ccareclinb 0 the nal vers? Whichever you chr het odo tha the cumulative effect had die Setar ere ee ®) CARLOS SANTANA Shaman ER voceeion ME ed to see Carlos sgethis duefromanew generation of music fans, even fitmeant he had to share the stage atthe Grammys with that loser from, Matchbox 20. Bur with “TheGameoflove" he tocallyexossedthelne, teaming his guitar with Michelle Branch’ whiny.ass voice to create one ofthe most uncannily annoying, hooks —"Ub-hii-yal” anyone? ever waxed. Alte bit ofthis? and a itl bit of that wil ruly drive you all he way up the fucking wall—and ‘make you pray Carlos ditches the guest vocalists next time around, @) CREAM Variusbatlegs 5.1 Copenh ad PN icin 1965 cojectng Slowhand Nena beh Hing petit ear tone’ on thse oral bow Tring Suntine of Your aba the Tar Saker Ca {fan cose tegen sts thoupvour Amero Sa fo oe ine es ade Subic abuse) ido eplensh Secu ene ders seinentiest yeaa Ceiba i S) THE BEATLES Magical Mystery our) urs ‘The shortest and most "uptight solo of George's Bea tes career, with ajarringly abrupt ending. Maybe John Lennon real ized it was only going 1 get worse and pulled tke plug on him, BLACK FLAG Damaged 21) umes Wel, atleast Black Flag gotthe las halfor the song tile ight. Punk rockers should ever attempt shredding, even if theyre trying‘ be ironic. Greg Ginn performs his ol like a sloppy drunk having sex, and, mereflly, he gets his at over quickly before his flaccid notes have the chance to penetrate ‘deep enough to do damage. Even ‘worse, Ginn tries to mimic Jimi Hen: «ric with his overextended bent-notesereamsbu ends ‘up Sounding like someone vying to bend Jimmy Kim. mel. The guitarist claims Black Flag practiced about six hours everynight Apparently that didn't inwolve playing any musical insruments though ic ercinly involved a ton cof wanking), ®) TED NUGENT Seream Drea IE [Bh Te Noe cio ae 2 man has never ben known for subtlety or inventive ness, burthe mai riff of this song Isso brain-dead, cries out for ewhanasia ®) ROLLING STONES 1 Ot Rok'n los curs ith Richards says he BD reer tsersood vty Mick Taylor eft the Rolling Stones,but this horrendous, lurching and rif likea vampire performing cun- sputtering solo might have had —_nilingus ona blow-up doll. songs something todo with his exit. Was could give out restraining orders, Taylor angry with Richards for Kravitz would be forced to stay vay ruining an otherwise decent cover from everything recorded berween ofaMotownclassic? Washe too _-1960and 1979. proud to beg to play the solo him: self? Or was he just plain tired of (@) MEGADETH playing witha group he considered rank amateurs? “I couldn't believe Risk) how bad they were," Taylor has cummnsts ssid ofthe group. “Their playing was out of tune, and they sounded like a garage band. 1 often won: dered how the Stones could make on chisalbum was the chance they hicrecords.” Maybe itwas only auight alienate thee die-hard fans rock and rll, but Taylorapparently once and for ll Probably inspired din like it, and he bailed from _by'the alternative crossover success the Stones less than two months Metallic enjoyed with Load, Dave afer this record came ot Mustaine and company reached for similar audience with this epid ®) MANOWAR rocker, which sounds uncannily like Loverboy's “Tun Me Kings of Metal Loose” being covered aa by KC and the Sun. [B Tone shine Band. No mat: mindless mastur- terhow hard Mus batory wankfest(playedon bass, taine tried to sell which technically isa guitar) this piece, no one becomes more unbearable when was buying. you consider that DeMaio most ikoly performed it clad only ina loinclth,hisalty chest abun with pride. Sometimes it sounds lik his woolly mam noth popped out to help him pthe strings, This metals ssheavy'as the fil used to rapa stick of Wrigley’ gum. 10) LENNY KRAVITZ oa e in this plod. Ow aici: teak ofthe Gus its ey Kw eka the bounce and air out of Randy Bachman’s cla Utter genius or complete dog poop? Ten classics reconsidered. rs @LYNYRD “SKYNYRD Pronguced Leb Nerd ne Mere rm thea ‘aansts ‘These southern ‘ochre cle lar amy" eens Snjone woud sender fier beng tached by tho ecasve brags ‘natn The ts r= Sls slots gracing, aug, bu the ete ‘ive sai the se cult ol the aug ter at Gets, @THE DOORS The Doors ‘hough he one ‘lass the een jon Inwhich Keeper ana ear oy Manze ade sie Werte {aot rouptes bat Snort ne eo More's stamin. The start gay es epeating ts mites ‘ae the seam tn ral bt by heen of Uhesang hes more DEREK & THE DOMINOS ad te Arte {ee Sone sara BD bodiaeate have Ere Clapton and Duane Allman simu neously ply stde gu taron the extend Layla Iwas those gars with 2 tenes lao ne Yyourear st how out ttume the autre ar, may have nrenehed = {on of passion out of ‘Siamese cats doing themasty than plait @TED NUGENT Ted ant thought the Moge ves plang ltr on {ring outs assrtmant tating cals beore STHEALLMAN BROTHERS BAND Esta Pach cuss Bia os Donors “Tere bs {noring tenses ‘tyme est at trade yu tn syne ‘ould nto heart lod rested 3 na Sam forbaonhe? @KANSAS ptt Pe eee Ss Clete Iinorty drone that mates yu ant tom datintis en PEARL JAM Lost Dogs Rares and Ses cama 1 ps, Pau 12a IP its dee Secuesy anos ‘srmich ea donkey {aking teak hat wee ‘convinced the song ee aly was elle" Bedwate @TEN YEARS "AFTER Woodstock saundack cua ee m, Alvin Use seemed ke the speesest guitarist Stoned apy as fast is ond Ten Years, ‘Aftorkrowing It would ‘decade to @LED ZEPPELIN ‘In Trough the Out Boor cama Ga) age att ost ofthis ong by playing ocasional Ada repetitive clee- {te guar it thats Buried i the mx But ster an extended imoch-caypso bridge {hot sound Iie 9 Page tind it pss foyman MXR Blue Box. ‘Ths peal bck traching ad atten tone Pee puis sounds ie hile binge (OTHE OUTLAWS Outlaws Gunes oan —— oe aero Se. Seon ee ee Scecere Ee aes urTAR WoRLD 59GO BACK, JACK, AND. DO IT AGAIN! Kirk Hammett (Metallica) Dian teeed Te Jon Donais (Shadows Falll) Sssgcc George Lynch ble (nay oro dhl basally became aig ‘ase pry lhe ne cept th nena whe tought me vere ly zane and anpofe tot ednd arth tse yer Bribe pled up ota 7a anda ‘spatula and ab vodka, cm lard apon The ack deft au {evo bst | aoys tought thei rd ostewerebadaes ond shoud Peter Frampton Going OLA azo of tals racks "gett even ne main, MO Perornance aetna. Fran te tema moti of Baying ora made ening Spear sound so mck bet thn Pete Loeffler (Chevelle) Seravecn ins 60 oviTaR wontD ate] OQ worst. 2) TWISTED SISTER Stay Hany WEB ts sivare ‘ger made this glam metal anthem by a bunch of girlie man crossdressers the theme song for his California guberneto rial campaign, using it as atormure device to force people to vote for him. Jay Jay French displays the imagination ofa sea monkey on his solo by merely aping the song's melody 18) KENNY LOGGINS Top Gun soundtrack “al When think ew WE saanger" think Kenny Loggins. Or not. O! Kena, who boogied with agopher in Cai ‘byshackand taught rhythmless ed necks to disco with his hit "Foot loose," made "Danger Zone” the US. Armed Forees' most popular recruit: ing song since the Vilage People Prt sangIn the Navy" Just thinking about those over processed powe chordsand that whiny lead induces airplay anymore because they ran ream of vomit Everytime we x ideas five years before hear the idsin South Parksay “They they made this record kaled Kenny" we wish they wer talking about this bearded, mul 16) DAVID BOWIE haired rocker Ziggy Stardust the Spiders tom 1) PETER FRAMPTON Mars soundtrack. Frampton Comes Ave Bowie's finest gutar fil ERS oe BE usc have been breaking in + youre gonna ‘new pair of platforms the night address the audience this gig was recorded. What else rough a Talk Box could explain the way he stum- during your extend. bles aver this familiar solo, ed guitar solo, not to mention several a woulda’ you at ts throughout the show? Teast have some Hang Onto Your Guitar fun with cand been more say “Ineed a would hi Tike i ®) DEF LEPPARD ater cura Even Mutt Lange's produc em Be ees tion wizardry can’t disguise r that sounds like che fact that this song i essential ic was bashed out in 20 seconds so iy aller chorus surrounded b the band could gettothe strip weakto-the-point-of nonexistent club before it closed, this song _verses, witha sola that any four should have been called “Ya year-old with a rack-mounted Wanta Refund?” Korn don't get _effecs unit could play. 18) BRITNY FOX This Clist hair snd tried t0| nix social eommentary with sub Slade sereechiness, resulting in sat may wellbe the worst, power ballad ever. Or mayb ere just singing bout themselves? 19) ROY BUCHANAN Wena Gutarist Gets the Blues Pia srenics a appropriate title for this song ‘Would have been “Poking My Tele Up Godzill's Poop ChuteDO IT AGAIN! ‘Nick 13 (Tiger Army) nds a0 fst ome, That 3 song eau detntly re recording rare oom to beeathe ata sightly Zacky Vengeance (Avenged Sevenfold) ther Vay (Somnetn the Seventh Tumpe) vith ales ae sata noe ‘Steve Jones (SexPistols, Neurotic Outsiders) ‘Shum with deren produce fone! aera tomer Mark Morton and Willie ‘Adler (Lamb of God) tian Gage Warren Haynes (Gov't Mule, Allman Brothers, The Dead) Aino at gra) Dickey (Bets and always ‘many pans ae missing” AOQvors (20) METALLICA = Ma MES essed cacao Hpolfasto tne beast ‘hoskunbeing ious ke vas ied omy Bi Sp metsruges tog tbe word lie ating are pce Gisiiate aeeare a Peer iialet ora er ‘ng wih ist hd 21) BUZZCOCKS Singles ong texto Fh IB ote @ pote actully meant be annoying, bt only grup of ido would bother torecord his deceand release The exo pulled off punks ist ieee eee opi riff andro (count em) crapsolosin ane re. The oly goed eas the ong thyingt bucthars ot enough to jus the pile of oo (22) BLIND MELON lin Melo EP be sestome ought of inspiration ‘when performing the feeble solo on this hippy-drippy paean to indo lence. Histone is about as dry and insufferable as Death Valley in July 23) SMASHING PUMPKINS Mellon Colle ath lft Sadness F.) Old Chinese saying Gat “Give amanafish and hell eat fora day. and hel annoy you Justbecause you call yourself zero doesn't mean you hhave to play lke one (24) VINNIE VINCENT INVASION inne Vincent vaio Brune havin cent slowed dawn the tape while recording this song to make his solos sound faster on play back. But no studio trickery ca ix his sloppy fingering, lousy intonation nd uter lack of taste and restrain Allflash and no substance, Vincent's playing made Mick Mars and Cc. DeVille ook like virtuosos. His entire ‘band realized he was going nowhere fast Gustlike hissolos) and lefthim stranded after gig. That band, Slaughter, immediately went onto mult: Platinum success, 25) WARRANT Chery Pe + imagine how insulted Erik Turner and Joey Allen felt when they were told Poisons C.c ould play the sole on this like having your wife tellyou Gary Coleman will be taking cover your bedroom duties, 26) FAITH NO MORE The Real Ting Ee icrarnnea +ight—real boring. Looking lke the love child of Frank Zappa and Doe tor Demento, Jim Martin could decide whether he was paving in Black Sabbath, Yes or the Maha ishnu Orchestra, Listen closer othe Iyries, Jim—you want call, buryou can'thave i 22) POISON Open pan Sab 3) gg ost FE ieccebevme soma ‘wo strikes right there. On Poisons biggest it, CC. botcheshisbig chance to um ina tasteful solo by ‘opening up and saying “Ah shit” at the first note, This rose stunk worse ‘hana fertilizer factory 28) GREEN DAY Insane 5) This ff total ipo of hicago's"25 0r6 104." The only thing punk abost his songis that it makes us want to shove a smoking red-hot stick up ArmDO IT AGAIN! Brian Baker (Bad Religion) (No Substnce| if cul edo thi song | Would vet ehors, seth tings for gods sae! Atte ory the tne: Bt say 1h we ost forgot have that special Eamathing Ang historia speak ing tha general hecho Brent Hines (Mastodon) We Bald Tis ame Dat Cterlnd) iebandwe essed up the sbaetorme bet K.K. Downing (Judas Priest) Deep Fresae™ (hock Ro) woul be great ogo back nd rerecrait nd ve It sme of the al Priest can dler now. tint ald do. baie ut time, btiockng back, porte aoa that stu” Mark Tremonti (Alter Bridge) tana (on ba Rena) foyer tend ing whan things done, anal dt get to that song The zone has one af my favorite gut ines Ini and after Je someone list turned on ‘recorder and tacked» gular in more time to spend on tto make it ‘New Milenio Gyenie rat (Chaesper) “The song starts out mith one Eack hallay song 0 we have to plait ive ‘nena we gat ott par ust thine Fucks get me ff he stage whOQues, 29) IRON MAIDEN f Fear of the Dark cunt BEB ee tone got its ttle from the instructions the band gave Janice Gers when he asked what key the ‘tune is in. Not only does this track feature one ofthe most light weight, wimpy riffs ever recorded bya metal band but the solo sounds lke Gers was afraid ofthe strings, The only thing to fear about this song isthe possibility that it may bore you to death. 30) B.B. KING Ino the it soundtrack 5.) yy 8.8. has made numer Fer HEA ous misseps during jis career, including stints as 2 corporate shill for Greyhound, KFC and Wendy's. But this cheese ball theme song from a long-for- gotten Jeff Goldblum-Michelle Pfeiffer movie ranks a his worst career move ever. The surging synth pads, metal power-chord accents and phony passion of his solos are as tasteful and time less as Kida’ Play’ vertical geometric aftos, 1) THE GRATEFUL DEAD Shale Set WE iityene crt Dexa stantedto sound ke the Bee Gees is anyone’ guess on thee nex flbum they even red to lok ke the Bee Gees, donning white ply ester Angel Fight ut forthe Cover phot), Tis banal atempt ic fel fa faster han a pie on brown acd, Gari's over procested,buegratnge solos ES oof place at Merle Haggard at Studio (32) THIN LIZZY Vagabond ofthe Western Word o>) 5 More than adecade before Met Sreve Vai whipped out his talking guitar trick on David Lee Roth's "Yankee Rose,” Thin Lizzy’ Erle Bell took a similar approach on this solo, By simultaneously ‘manipulacing his whammy bar and wah pedal, Bell made his gui- tar sound ar unintelligible asa drunken Irish lad after too the steps to Home many pint of Guinness ‘Town Btfet. fterlos 33) KISS cranky pull-offs, he eeier ee oii cissnedines dena : that hows ke anol ae geezet dropping hie EE ve ace, pemaronic dentures in the dam seales are cool Bu they only sound chowder pot. ierereting wien yours up the ‘order of the notes. 35) RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE (34) DAVID LEE ROTH age Asn th acto 0 fat Eman Soe ey canst urarast PAS Great solo. Has ‘Steve Vai calls those noises at absolutely nothing to do with Z the beginning ofthis song anything else go artan voices," but to usit song, but great so sounds like the parents in a Peanuts holiday special. Or Louis Armserong ~(@6) MOLLY HATCHET playing trumpet. With his bu. Moly tee @) AC/DC comnts: 5 These three axmen Diy endsDoe it Ceap Ea EE irom rovda chopped cums up every imaginable southern Angus begins his wobbly _rockeliché unt they hacked Te crcncuptheretboard the genre to death. Is pityno athe end of thisololikea gotor got close enough wobite hungry octogenarian climbing their arms offDO IT AGAIN! Benji Madden (Good Charlotte) stato (Good Chart) oul probably use ferent tim nde he smokey an nor foession ta hayes re Imo interesting char Mike Mushok (Staind) No One'skin™ Ming twas th et sock ie ek we aeeyas ing? nd was doi te spl eed separ at tyson Jeff Hanneman (Slayer) Soeimcuete le Grane oataticonter were sees ee ete een mecdsie acing! See Sains ae Tes He opened the CD tray and org Moreder and Donna Summer ane marke 'm gonna rons wit al het haircut of Song, had t put my gular down SSrgedsy aig! ah Marty Friedman (Gragon' ks) Te away recorded this ong afow tines and ston thie going sod that {histo leone that m often aszoe arQ 10) Qro= Re @) JACKYL Jacky Carve dumbest AC/DC ripoff ever, this single entendre billy sploogefest makes Brian Johnson sound like Bon Scot, and Bon Scott sound like Oscar Wilde. The rhythm guitarist ifs like he's lostat least one hand in & hunting accident—perhaps heran afoul of singer Jesse James Dupree's chain saw—and Angus Young could playa better lead with his ass after a night of boozing. In act, he probabiy has 39) BOB MARLEY & THE WAILERS cach Fas Fr The only thing more Ee cigs mech ing white guy groove to reagte tel hearing eter Toh od out oxo rales peter an 40) LIMP BIZKIT Tree Dlr iY 51 ops, This George Michal Gen PD cover mayrhave pt Limp Bitton the map ute was also the moseembsrrassing moment oftheir career—and thats saying a lot Bizkit’ version became ait jst inte to pay all of Michaels legal fees after he was arrested ina Bever Iy Hills mens room for lewd behav jor Wes Borand’s imp. vised rif suggests Michal wasn he ony one who shoul have been ale for wank ingin public @) MOTLEY CRUE ‘Shoat at the Devi) 55 52) pps Mick Mars BB incnaedto shock and awe listeners, but the ‘only thing shocking about his solo is how awl ie sounds is tinny, threadbare riff sounds like it was played on a child's plastic toy gut tar By a child, Forget Saddam Hussein—the U.S. should punish Mars and C.C. DeVille forthe hor "fic atrocities they commited ‘onthe guitar. 42) THE WHO Webard comans: FEE Fad right—hard to believe thatthe most exciting rock band inthe world was Tediced to churning out ‘monotonous electro-pop, and harder stil to swallow Town: shend’s willingness to sound like nothing more than a third-rate Bight ies Clapton, Atleast the video, in whieh Roger Daltrey appears in grave danger of being dwarfed by his Telecaster, is good for a | few bitter chuckles. 43) VENOM A arth Stan = wal oT ce ide. devilknows ‘what possessed ths novice English trio to tackle a 20-minute concep- tual opus about the batle of ‘Armageddon, but they were in ‘way over their horned heads. The sloppy guitar, bass and drums clash so badly thatthe band members sound like they're at ‘war with one another, 4) OFFSPRING Splinter cs Tedoestt cake a genius o fig. Ture out that Noodles got hie ‘name from his most unpunklike tendency to imitate hair metal gui tarits, While he doesnt playa tra ditional solo on this song, he does make thousands of dollars worth of guitar equipment sound lke a 50-cent kaz0a, That may be his greatest accomplishment. 45) JIMI HENDRIX Ble Wil Ange (iil) 2) BEE Sotceytnene K+ could possibly go wrong did go wrong with Jimi Hendrix's final festival performance atthe Isle of Wight. But the reason this song sounds so bad has nothing todo with a drug addled purple haze Sei gece caster asosoaeeso) @) MARILYN MANSON 4 ‘&1) NITRO ee orn tiptoe uy rt tr Patt Anan t cus Hastaegestswactal mack ral Faas Ustening to Mich The culprit was the dreaded une BL crop dsittso Angelo's shri, hyper “vartobe malfunction” Apparent diapleyoucouldpliyie sped ahredding ore torturous eateineear an cea This songs withaseropon didoyths Chant deg nightat Abu Gab poppesitetivopenaterccingite ML MDL cnimapincive song is as predictable as J.Lo You'll want to throw yourself in Fpl andhlldthngwasthreat- haley Hiffmates you wish dM ehicays iavend Sec ate Aca eee eicWe fd Howvwouldyeu playin playing thee nee cnew 600,000 people could be look Daisy Berkowitz’s tone sounds as ‘90) ALBERT KING ‘S2) JEFFERSON ge ony

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