Oren Merry

Writing 2
Zack De Piero
Revision Document
Text from my initial
WP submission:
(a phrase, sentence,
paragraph, idea, move,
punctuation, piece of
evidence, etc.)

An observation or
question I received
from De Piero or a
classmate:

The change(s) I made to

what I initially wrote: (ie,
the change[s] I made to
column 1)

How this change

impacts my paper:

When analyzing this

court case,

Is it your analysis of
When analyzing the effects
the court case? Or your of this court case,
analysis of the authors
analysis of that court
case?

This change occurs in the

introduction of the essay.
It changes the audiences
perception of the focus of
the entire essay.

The authors purpose

for writing the article is
evident in the diction
used when providing the
evidence
for
his/her
argument.

I need more of a
specific, driving
thesis statement, Oren.
What, exactly are you
going to be arguing
here?

The authors bias is

unmistakable in the specific
evidence and word choice
exposed to the audience.

I developed a more
specific and
argumentative thesis.
Instead of the broadness
of the purpose for this
evident in diction. I
went a step further and
declared that the specific
quotes that the author
gives its readers might
not reflect the entirety of
the situation. Instead it
is just there to be twisted
and turned to serve the
author and his/her
particular bias.

The New York Times

has been a prominent
news source since 1851
and continues to be so to

You might want to

rethink this topic
sentence- remember:
Its got to drive home

The New York Times is a

prominent news source, but
instead of giving the
audience the entirety of the

I took my revised thesis

and developed a topic
sentence that utilizes the
new argument and

this day.

your argument in some

way.

situation, there is an
obvious bias fashioned by
the author.

directs the rest of the

essay in the proper
direction.

The authors use unique

moves due to the
precision and
argumentativeness of
their audience:

Im not clear on what

you mean here. The
audience are law
folk, so the author is
doing what

The authors recognized

that the targeted audience
is lawyers, and utilizes
moves to best suit their
style. The audience expects
a piece that makes a solid
claim and uses a variety of
sources to back-up the
claims, such as a lawyer
would.

I narrow down the

specific audience that the
piece is directed for. I
then continue to provide
specific examples of
moves that the author
uses to address this
audience.

The use of a scenario, to

start the piece, is unique
to the article and even
the genre. An academic
journal is typically rigid
in its discussion of the
topic. This paper utilizes
a specific scenario for
the reader to empathize
with.

Im getting a little big

lost on 1. What youre
ultimately arguing
about these
writers/texts and 2.
What each paragraph
is about.

The move of including a

scenario is unique to the
article and even the genre.
An academic journal is
typically rigid in its
discussion of the topic. The
author uses this move as a
lawyer would: give a story
as a way for the reader to
empathize with.

I took the specific move

and related it back to the
intended audience. This
helps drive my thesis
point: the intended
audience has a direct
impact on the moves
used.

Health Hacks and

Back To School?

Health appears on
one line and then
Back to on anothernot as crisp as it could
be.

I experimented with
different formats to provide
the most seamless and
effective format. I settled
on a different font effect and
darker more bold colors to
better the brightness of the
wording.

The formatting was a big

part of this genre. I tried
to make sure that the
words came through
clear, but still have a
child-appealing and fun
vibe to them.

A discussion on the effect Add more scientific

a TV set on a dinner has
facts.
on obesity.

One article notes a 29%

correlation between having
TV on and being at risk of
obesity.

Having actual data and

percentages provides a
great credibility. People
like seeing these
statistics because they
view them as scientific
research and not just the
author and his/her bias.

No works cited included

at the bottom.

Add more scientific

facts.

I included a works cited to

provide a reference for the
new included scientific
facts.

A works cited, along with

scientific facts, provide
credibility for the reader.
This credibility is
especially needed when
the paper is written as an
Op-Ed piece.

Discussion on the moves

used to provide
credibility in my adult
genre translation.

No mention of
scientific data or other
moves to provide
credibility.

Lastly, I included scientific

evidence to back up my
stance and proof. This is a
move directed to provide
credibility. The evidence,
and necessary work-cited

These moves are critical

for this type of genre
translation. They provide
another source of
credibility that is
necessary when

inclusion, provides hardcore facts to give the reader

a better understanding of
the scientific evidence to
back up my conclusion.
These moves are used to
develop a character or an
ethos that gives an author a
physical person that they
can relate to and trust.

translating to an Op-Ed.