Sarah Freeze

Zack De Piero
Writing 2
March 16, 2015
Revision Document

Text from my initial

WP submission:
(a phrase, sentence,
paragraph, idea, move,
punctuation, piece of
evidence, etc.)

An observation or
question I received
from De Piero or a
classmate:

The change(s) I made to

what I initially wrote: (ie,
the change[s] I made to
column 1)

How this change

impacts my paper:

TS: When researching a

specific topic for
educational purposes or
desiring to find more
information simply to
become more
knowledgeable, one
should read both
scholarly texts and nonacademic media texts
because this gives the
reader a well-rounded
clearer understanding
of information that he
or she would otherwise
not have without
reading both.

But... you didnt

really have an
argument here. What
was your stance in
relation to evaluating
these two pieces? De
Piero

When researching a
specific subject, readers
should not favor one source
over the other because both
types present information
differently through their
style, tone, and
conventional moves. It is
valuable for readers to see
different approaches of the
same information because
it enhances their
understanding.

After making this

change, I now have an
arguable thesis
statement. I specifically
identified what I am
going to talk about in
the rest of my essay.

According to
Rosenberg, Academics
write to join scholarly
conversations (93),
therefore

One suggestion,
though: it would likely
enhance your piece if
you introduced who
Rosenberg is. (Why
listen to what this
person has to say,
otherwise?) De Piero

According to Karen
Rosenberg, an
accomplished published
writer, Academics write to
join scholarly
conversations (93),
therefore

After seeing this

comment, I went back
through my essay and
made sure to identify
the other authors I
used. It made me
realize that only people
in the Writing 2 class
would know who they
are and anyone else
would be confused.

Also, because the

article describes a
procedure, the term
we is used sparingly
so as to not sound too
personal such as in We

This is all
finendandy, Freeze,
but Im wondering:
what are you arguing
here? Whats the point

This is evident in the

article because the term
we is used sparingly to
avoid sounding too
personal and informal,
unlike the article in the

I reworded this part of

the paragraph so that I
am in fact arguing
something. I also took
out the quote because I
realized that it does not

suggest that object play

by adult cats is
controlled by two
mechanisms derived
from predatory
behavior... (Hall, et
al.). Additionally, the
paragraph lengths tend
to be longer than those
belonging to the
magazine article, but
there is still some
variation.

of all this? De Piero

magazine. The scientific

community expects
professional work and,
therefore, it needs to be
presented in a formal
manner. Another
observation is that the
paragraph lengths tend to
be longer in the journal
article because they contain
a lot more detailed
information than the
magazine article.

serve any real purpose

or enhance what I am
trying to say.

I hand-drew a comic
strip for my younger
genre.

For your younger

translationand I
dont mean any
disrespect!you might
want to consider
professionalizing the
piece through some
kind of
computerized/online
generator. De Piero

At first, I handwrote the

comic strip, even though I
struggle with drawing stick
figures. However, I wanted
to consider
professionalizing the
piece so I found a
generating website that
allowed me to custom
make it

I added these sentences

into a short paragraph
and, more importantly,
I did find a website to
improve my comic
strip. It is now more
appealing to look at
and easier to
understand.

In my essay, I did not

include who wrote the
billboard.

who is writing the

billboard, exactly? A
nonprofit? The govt
via an initiative? De
Piero

It could have been made

due to a government
initiative in an effort to
reduce health risks in
children or also by a nonprofit organization, such as
North American Vegetarian
Society. Individuals could
have funded this project

Including who wrote

the billboard ties into
the purpose behind it.
The context is a
rhetorical feature and it
gives the reader insight
as to its purpose.

When a person
drives on the freeway at
seventy-five miles per
hour, he or she will
have little time to read
much else. However, I
also included more
information in smaller
font because the
billboard may be
located next to a slow
country road where
drivers may be able to
read for a longer period

Where might this be

placed? Is it literally a
highway billboard, or
would it be seen
somewhere else? De
Piero

Billboards also appear

in a crowded city area such
as Time Square in New
York where people drive
and walk. Putting this
billboard in these various
locations all serves the
same purpose of drawing
viewers attention to the
information and message
displayed.

I considered where else

billboards are placed
and decided to
elaborate on this. I also
added the purpose for
putting them in public
areas. This enhances
my paper because I am
also including the point
of this genre.

My younger genre
(comic strip) did not
have color in it.

Add colors on both

genres -Student

I found a website that

allowed me to add color to
my new comic strip.

Color typically makes

things more kidfriendly. Additionally,
color is usually

expected in childrens
reading so I decided to
add it.
the delay was long
(2545 min) play did
not regain its initial
intensity (Hall et al.).
Putting measurements
in parenthesis draws the
readers attention to
them, as compared to
writing out the numbers
in words. Hyperlinks
are also used

Get more out of

quote -Student

intensity (Hall et al.).

Putting measurements in
parentheses draws the
readers attention to them
because they are more
isolated, as compared to
incorporating the numbers
in the sentence. Also,
writing out the numbers in
words is traditionally
formal. Hyperlinks

Elaborating more on
the quote shows that
the quote has a purpose
and is valuable. Also, it
supports what I am
trying to prove in my
essay.

(The next two comments are

from my WP1, but I am
including them because I
applied them to WP2 and
WP3).

Paragraphs are like

those bites. Give your
reader your argument
in little, digestible,
one- idea-at-a-time
bits De Piero

I reminded myself many

times that it is ok to break
up my paragraphs, and
therefore my ideas, into
shorter ones.

Breaking up paragraphs
is a necessary thing to
do when writing essays
because it gives the
reader a chance to slow
down and identify and
understand the main
ideas. It can also be
annoying to read such
extensive paragraphs.

Gotcha, this is a
nicenclear thesis
statement. The only
question I want to ask
you is: do you think
itd help your reader if
they knew what
specific rhetorical
features/conventions
you were going to be
analyzing? De Piero

TS from WP2: because

both types present
information differently
through their style, tone,
and conventional

I added the main

rhetorical features that
I discussed throughout
my essay in order to
make my thesis
statement more
specific. This is good
because it gives the
readers a clearer idea of
what to expect in the
essay.

I had a paragraph that

was a page long.

TS from WP1: Online

obituaries are
considered to be a type
of genre because they
generally have the same
rhetorical features and
conventions that are
unique and specific to
obituaries.