BROAD CITY SPEC EPISODE

"CHAT & WANK"

Written by
Los Silva

02/28/16

COLD OPEN
INT. ABBIS BEDROOM - NIGHT
Abbi lies in bed, wears a moisturizing face mask, watching a
cheesy ROM-COM.
MANS VOICE (O.S.)
Its like we found lightning in a
bottle, and it struck both our
hearts, at the same time.
WOMANS VOICE (O.S.)
I feel it too James. I feel the
spark too.
MUSIC crescendos ala Gone With The Wind, the man and woman
KISS, movie ends.
Abbi sighs. She closes the laptop and gets under the covers.
She pulls out her phone and watches a video she took in
secret...footage of JEREMY...spy-style.
ON VIDEO - JEREMY OPENS HIS MAILBOX.
Abbi grabs her vibrator, masturbates under the covers.
ABBI
Yeah...stick your key inside that
hole.
A KNOCK on the door.
Hey Abbi.
Go away!

BEVERS (O.S.)
ABBI

BEVERS (O.S.)
I forgot the Wi-Fi password.
ABBI
Its Abbis Wi-Fi password!
BEVERS (O.S.)
I just need it to download the last
season of Burn Notice.
ABBI
The password is, Abbis Wi-Fi
password.

2.
BEVERS (O.S.)
(chuckles)
Oh, OK. Gotcha.
ON VIDEO
Jeremy licks an envelope.
ABBI
Yeah thats right, lick those
envelopes. Show momma what you got.
BEVERS (O.S.)
Hey Abbi, how do you spell Abbi? Is
it with one B or two?
ABBI
(moaning and frustrated)
Two. With and I.
BEVERS
OK cool. I wasnt sure if you
spelled it with an I E or a Y.
ABBI
(re: Jeremy)
Right there. Right there. Dont
stop!
Bevers opens the door...
BEVERS
Hey is it all caps orABBI
(demon voice)
Get out!
Abbi hurls the vibrator at his head -- he drops to the floor.
END OF COLD OPEN

3.
ACT ONE
INT. DEALS, DEALS, DEALS - DAY
ILANA sits at her desk. She eats chicken wings, licks fingers
clean. NICOLE stares in disgust.
A MAIL CLERK drops an envelope on Ilanas desk.
ILANA
Oh yeah, T-G-I motherfuckin F.
Ilana wipes her sauce-stained hands with sheets of paper.
Opens her paycheck in shock.
ILANA (CONTD)
Uh...excuse-em-mua mail clerk! I
think you made a mistake.
(to Nicole)
Dude, theres no way this is right.
NICOLE
Last Monday was a holiday and you
called out sick on Friday.
ILANA
Dont we get paid holidays? And
what about sick time? I have
rights!
(beat)
We should strike.
COWORKER
Youre an idiot.
ILANA
God! I cant live like this. Its
bad enough they want us here five
days in a row.
(peeking over)
How much did you get?
Ilanas laptop DINGS - the sounds of PORN plays.
NICOLE
Are you watching porn?
ILANA
It helps me concentrate.

4.
ON LAPTOP SCREEN
A popup ad for CHAT&WANK, a spoof of Chaturbate, a site
where people masturbate on webcam for tips. BROADCAST NOW TO
MAKE $$$ flashes on the screen.
ILANA (CONTD)
Chat and Wank...hmmm?
She bolts with the laptop. Nicole steals a chicken wing,
scarfs it down grudgingly.
INT. SOULSTICE - GYM FLOOR - DAY
A HOT GIRL finishes on the ASSISTED SQUAT MACHINE. An OLD MAN
steps up, positions himself under the bar. He drops his
towel, struggles to bend down and reach it.
Abbi sees this, picks up the towel, hands it to him.
OLD MAN
Thank you young lady.
ABBI
Youre welcome.
Old Man lowers into a squat. He extends his scrawny wrinkled
legs -- cant come up -- SCREAMS in pain.
Cramp!

OLD MAN

Abbi runs over.

ABBI
What do I do!?
OLD MAN
Massage my ankles!
Abbi gets on her knees and rubs his ankles.
OLD MAN (CONTD)
No other side! Flip your hands
over!
Abbi, confused, twists her hands upside down.
OLD MAN (CONTD)
Turn over and do it!
Abbi flips on her back, between his legs.

5.

Better?

ABBI

OLD MAN
Yes, yes, thats it. Uh oh...
What?
My back!

ABBI
OLD MAN

In SLOW MOTION: his knees wobble -- legs shake -- the Old

Mans sweaty ass/crotch comes crashing down onto Abbis face.
ABBI
(slow-mo voice)
No!!!!!
INT. DEALS, DEALS, DEALS, - BATHROOM STALL - LATER
Ilana sits on the toilet with the laptop, sweaty and
disheveled, pants unbuttoned...just finished masturbating.
WOMANS VOICE
(from laptop)
Ah! Ah! Ah!
ON LAPTOP - A CHAT&WANK WEBCAM WINDOW
A HOT MODEL in a SAILOR MOON outfit masturbates to HOUSE
MUSIC. She takes a hit from a bong, blows smoke at the
camera. Fans tip money -- CHA CHING.
ILANA
Its like my dream come true. I can
make money, smoke weed, and jerk
off...from my house!
She makes a call.
ILANA (CONTD)
Lincoln. Do you have a fax machine?
I need a favor.
INT. DEALS, DEALS, DEALS - TODDS OFFICE - LATER
TODD interviews a potential FEMALE EMPLOYEE.

6.
TODD
So where do you see yourself in
five years?
Ilana bursts into the office.
ILANA
Sorry, its an emergency. Whos
this?
TODD
Ilana...I see youre feeling
better.
(looks to watch)
And just shy of noon today.
ILANA
Yeah about that. So I had to go see
the ol lady-doctor .
(points at vagina, winks)
It turns out Ive got this rare
condition...disorder...syndrome,
that causes major periods and
extreme aggression. I mean major
cuntiness dude. Judge Judy levels.
So Im gonna need to bail.
Otherwise this office is gonna look
like Moses parting the Red Sea, but
a flood, like Noah. You get what I
mean.
She slams a doctors note on Todds desk.
TODD
(re: letter)
This is from a dentist.
ILANA
Yeah, its pretty serious. The
pressure and everything rises.
The vaginal hemorrhaging should be
done by Monday. Ill see you then.
Shes gone. Todd stares blankly at the interviewee.
INT. ABBIS APARTMENT - BATHROOM - DAY
Abbi, hair wet and wrapped in a towel. Scrubs her face with
wet wipes. Her phone rings: FaceTime call from Ilana walking
down the STREET:
ILANA
Sup, bitch? Whats shaking?

7.
ABBI
Well, I just had an old man sit on
my face with his sweaty ass and
balls.
ILANA
Wow...I didnt know you were into
that. Was he hot? I mean are we
talking George Carlin or Roger
Sterling?
ABBI
No, he wasnt hot! Some Grandpa
cramped on the Squat Master, and
when I went to help him, he fell
and sat on my face.
ILANA
Oh my God, dude W-T-F.
ABBI
Ive been scrubbing my face for
twenty minutes, and I can still
smell his sweaty old grundel.
ILANA
I mean with out an invite, that is
major physical and mental anguish.
You should sue your job for pain
and suffering.
ABBI
Trey gave me the rest of the day
off. I just want to veg-out and
forget this day ever happened.
ILANA
Dude, you cant let an old mans
balls get you down. Besides, I just
found us a new hustle that will get
us paid with a capitol pussypoppin P! Ill be home in an
hour. Call me later.
Bye.

ABBI

She smells the wipes, gags from the smell.

EXT. CHELSEA NYC - MOMENTS LATER
Ilana arrives to a PORN STORE complete with a neon sign.

8.
ILANA
Chat&Wank, here I come!
BEGIN MONTAGE/MUSIC VIDEO
INT. PORN STORE - DAY
Salt & Peppas Lets Talk About Sex plays. Ilana scans the
walls of ADULT DVDs. She models lingerie and fetish gear.
Waves dildos around, throws condoms, plays with penis pumps,
a kid in a candy store.
Male and female CUSTOMERS FROM THE 1990s join in the fun,
performing old school DANCE MOVES; Cabbage Patch, The
Snake, and The Running Man.
INT. PORN STORE - PEEP SHOW BOOTH - SAME
Ilana inserts cash through a slot -- a curtain pulls back
revealing a FEMALE STRIPPER on the other side of a glass
wall. Ilana takes selfies with the Stripper, mashing their
breasts against the glass.
POOF! -- Stripper and the 90s Dancers appear alongside
Ilana...an instant party with champagne and weed smoke.
END MONTAGE
INT. PORN STORE - LATER
Ilana dances by herself, singing and listening to the song
via headphones.
Miss!

INDIAN CLERK (O.S.)

The CLERK at the register, a pile of SEX TOYS on the counter.

CLERK
Youve been standing there dancing
and singing for five minutes!
Sorry.

ILANA

CLERK
Your total is three hundred fifty
seven dollars, and sixty nine
cents.

9.
ILANA
Sixty-nine, huh? Serendipitous.
(opens her wallet)
Tell me, whats your lay away plan
like?
EXT. NYC CHELSEA STREET - DAY
Ilana walks and talks with a coffee in hand.
ILANA
Dude, porn and sex stuff is so
expensive these days. I mean, I
shouldnt have to be rich to get
off. Thats why we all need to
start feelin the Bern. Anyway call
me back.
She sits on the curb, pulls a joint out and digs in her
pocket for a lighter. A BUSINESS MAN confuses her as
homeless, drops change into her coffee cup.
ILANA (CONTD)
Hey, thanks for the tip, buddy!
A CITY BUS drives by with an ad for the musical CATS...
RETURNING TO BROADWAY.
Ilana looks to the CATS billboard, then the coffee cup.
ILANA (CONTD)
Thats it! The perfect schtick.
This pussys bout to make a
comeback!
INT. ABBIS APARTMENT - DAY
Abbi curls up on the couch with a blanket and a gallon of ice
cream. She watches another sappy ROM-COM.
Bevers comes home and ruins the mood, sits next to Abbi.
BEVERS
Hey, youre home early.
She scoots over resentfully.
ABBI
Shouldnt you be at work Bevers?

10.
BEVERS
I told my boss I had a diarrhea
from eating at Red Lobster, and he
cut me loose before I cut the
cheese. Get it?
He tries to high-five her, she leaves him hanging.
BEVERS (CONTD)
I guess were both playing Friday
hooky today, am I right?!
ABBI
Shh! Im trying to watch this.
BEVERS
(whisper)
Oh sorry.
Abbi stares at the screen, trying to block out Bevers
presence. She takes a bite of her ice cream.
BEVERS (CONTD)
(reaches for ice cream)
Mind if I grab a little scoop?
ABBI
Yes Bevers, I mind. I had a bad day
at work and Im trying to relax on
my couch, with my ice cream! God,
youre always here!
(shoves ice cream at him)
Eat the whole thing like you always
do!
She stomps off to her bedroom.
OK thanks.

BEVERS

Bevers eats the ice cream, stares at the TV.

BEVERS (CONTD)
Oh I love this movie, its so
original.
INT. ABBIS BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Abbi slams the door shut. She mumbles grudgingly to herself,
climbs into bed. She grabs her laptop and pulls up another
spy clip of JEREMY DOING LAUNDRY.

11.
Abbi slides under the covers and masturbates. The video
doesnt do it for her. She goes online to search porn.
ON LAPTOP
A link pops up on her Instant Messenger from CATLADY69.
Abbi clicks the link -- a live webcam feed streams through.
ON LAPTOP
Ilana straddles a chair, wearing a homemade CAT SUIT and
MASK...a Tim Burton version of CATS the musical.
She MEOWS and blows weed smoke at the webcam, seductively
dancing and teasing her audience. Tips come in steadily -CHA CHING.
ABBI
What the...?
Ilana strokes her cattail, deep-throats the end of it. She
gets a hair ball stuck in her throat, COUGHS.
ABBI (CONTD)
(types)
Um...who, are, you?
Ilana bends at the waist, unzips the ass part of the cat
suit, moons the audience...
Abbi squints, studying the screen.
ABBI (CONTD)
Wait a minute...I know that ass!
She picks up her cellphone and dials...
ON LAPTOP
Ilanas cellphone RINGS, she picks up.
Hey girl.

ILANA

ABBI
Oh my God, Ilana! Since when are
you doing porn?
ILANA
Its not porn...its Chat&Wank.

12.
She presses her face close to the webcam.
ILANA (CONTD)
So what do you think? Are you wet?
ABBI
No, Im not...wet.
ILANA
Hold on, a guy just tipped. He
wants me to do a split onto my
dildo.
Ilana puts down the phone, slowly slides into a split.
ABBI
OK...thats kind of impressive.
END OF ACT ONE

13.
ACT TWO
INT. ILANAS APARTMENT - NIGHT
Ilana answers the door in her bathrobe, no cat suit or
makeup.
Hey.

ILANA

Abbi enters, tight-lipped. Walks straight to Ilanas bedroom.

INT. ILANAS BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Abbi looks around the room and spots the Cat suit, some sex
toys, CATS set design, props, etc. She looks to Ilanas
webcam, positioned in front of her bed.
Is it on?

ABBI

ILANA
Nope. Why, do you want it on?
Abbi paces around the room, sexually frustrated, full of piss
and vinegar.
ABBI
(lifts the cat mask)
So youre just gonna jerk off for
the whole world to see, huh?
ILANA
Well I dont know about the whole
world. I am new to this.
ABBI
Youre just gonna show your lady
parts to every Tom, Dick, and Harry
with Wifi? Just let it all hang
out?
ILANA
Dude what is up with you? Youre
being like a major douche right
now. Ive got some pot if you wanna
smoke.
ABBI
(mocks her)
Ive got some pot if you wanna
smoke?

14.
ILANA
Whatever, suit yourself.
Ilana breaks up weed on a magazine.
ABBI
I had a traumatizing experience
today, and you dont see me running
off and stripping for money. Im an
adult. I can deal properly, through
you know, meditation and like
talking. Like, therapeutic talks
and just dealing, without resorting
to drugs and sex.
Ilana sparks the joint, takes a few pulls. Hands it to Abbi.
ABBI (CONTD)
I mean pot can help but its not
like a have-to.
(puffs)
I dont need to get high to handle
my issues.
The more Abbi smokes the more docile she becomes.
ABBI (CONTD)
Im sorry dude. You look really
awesome in the cat suit.
Thanks.

ILANA

ABBI
So hows it work?
ILANA
(grabs laptop)
So check it out. Guys, chicks,
couples, even trannies, dude,
chicks with dicks! All on their
webcams, wanking it like pirates
from the comfort of their own home.
Viewers make requests and tip the
performers, I. E. us, and we get
pizz-aid!
ABBI
Ilana, the last time you did
something like this it didnt work
out.

15.
ILANA
What, the apartment cleaning thing?
This is totally different.
ABBI
Getting naked so strangers can give
us money...right, complete
opposite.
ILANA
We dont even have to get naked,
dude. Some of these chicks just
talk to guys in their underwear and
they still get tips.
She considers...glances over to the screen...
ABBI
Theres guys on here?
ILANA
Oh yeah. Hot ones dude. Big dongs.
ABBI
(fierce determination)
Show me.
MONTAGE
Oh Me So Horny by Two-Live Crew plays. Abbi and Ilana
explore male and female webcams. They smoke, laugh, tip, and
watch various shows on the laptop.
SHOW # 1
A PLUS-SIZE MODEL twerks in her living room.
SHOW # 2
A NURSE and DOCTOR have sex in a hospital room.
SHOW # 3
A DOMINATRIX spanks her MALE SUB -- he screams.
SHOW # 4
A MALE BODYBUILDER masturbates as he does arm curls.
SHOW # 5
BLURRY SCREEN - what looks to be an ORGY.

16.
BACK TO SCENE
ILANA
So what do you think?
ABBI
(stoned)
I think I need to get laid.
ILANA
If we do a girl-on-girl show we
could rake in some serious glutenfree dough.
ABBI
Ha-ha, I see what youre doing. You
just want to get me alone, so you
can fulfill your lesbian fantasies.
ILANA
No...not completely. I mean, we can
fake it, if thats the kind of art
you want to make. I prefer
authenticity.
ABBI
It would be nice to make some extra
cash. Maybe use it to go on a trip.
ILANA
Totally, dude! This could be a new
beginning for both of us. No more
jobs or crappy paychecks.
ABBI
Yeah, no more bosses or sweaty
grandpas sitting on our faces.
ILANA
Just two boss bitches, balling out
like the female pimps we were born
to be.
Yeah!

ABBI

ILANA
So youre in?
Abbi hesitates.
ILANA (CONTD)
Hawaii, Vegas, Detroit...

17.
ABBI
Detroit? OK. Im in.
ILANA
Good. So the masks will keep us
anonymous in case we ever want to
run for president or whatever, and
Ill call Jaime so he can help slut
us out.
ABBI
Alright. Detroit here we come!
ILANA
Ha, you said cum.
ABBI
We talked about that.
Right.

ILANA

INT. ILANAS LIVING ROOM - DAY

JAIME and Ilana stand over a pile of LINGERIE sprawled out on
the couch.
ILANA
Thanks for hooking me up with all
this slutty gear, dude. I really
appreciate it.
JAIME
Really, its no problem. My friend
Carlos is a porn producer. He has a
closet full of this stuff.
Reveal Ilana with a pair of panties over her head.
JAIME (CONTD)
Dont worry, I washed them.
ILANA
Thanks, homie.
They hug with the underwear still on her face. Ilana removes
the panties, takes a deep whiff, pockets them.
JAIME
OK. Well Ill see you tonight.
ILANA
Yes, you will.

18.
JAIME
Oh, and tell Abbi I said break a
leg. Ciao.
They kiss on the lips, he exits.
ILANA
Something tells me shes gonna
break em both.
INT. HOME DEPOT - HARDWARE DEPARTMENT - DAY
Abbi holds a grocery bag, picks up the phone.
Hello?

ABBI

ILANA
Hey, hows it going?
ABBI
(reads list)
I got the whip cream, the bananas,
and the marital aid...object.
ILANA
The what, dude?
ABBI
(whispers)
The dildo.
Oh, great.
Hey.

ILANA
HOME DEPOT EMPLOYEE (O.S.)

Reveal EMPLOYEE, holding a 12 piece of METAL PIPE.

HOME DEPOT EMPLOYEE (CONTD)
How long did you say you want that
conduit?
ABBI
(to Employee)
Just a second.
(to Ilana)
Ilana what exactly is the pipe for?

19.
ILANA
Its for the sex machine Im
building. I got blueprints off The
Piratebay.
ABBI
(to Employee)
OK, I wont be needing that any
more. But thank you for your help
and quality service.
Abbi hangs up and walks away.
END OF ACT TWO

20.
ACT THREE
INT. ILANAS APARTMENT - NIGHT
Ilana opens the door, Abbi enters.
ILANA
So weve got the place to
ourselves, and I just scored us
some crazy sativa...its the crack
of Marijuana.
ABBI
I dont know if I want any of that.
ILANA
Its fine, youll love it. Why
dont you go try on your outfit,
while I slip into something a
little more comfortable. Its on
Jaimes bed.
OK.

ABBI

Abbi enters Jaimes bedroom.

JAIMES BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Walls covered in MENUDO POSTERS, the Latin boy-group
sensation from the 1980s. Laid out on the bed is a sexy
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD costume. Abbi takes in the sight of
the revealing yet stylish outfit.
ABBI
I can do this.
OUTSIDE JAIMES BEDROOM - LATER
Abbi exits wearing the red lace nighty and hood. She knocks
on Ilanas bedroom door, enters.
ILANAS BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
Soft music, candles, rose pedals on the bed, sensual setting.
Hey.

ILANA

Ilana wears a sexy CATHOLIC SCHOOL GIRL outfit.

21.
ABBI
Whoa, you look hot.
ILANA
Thanks. Not bad yourself. Wine?
ABBI
Definitely.
Ilana pours two glasses of red wine. They sip and glance at
one another, a strong sexual energy in the air.
ILANA
We should toast. To an awesome
night.
ABBI
To an awesome night.
Glasses CLINK.
ILANA
So, you ready for this?
I am. You?
Totally.

ABBI
ILANA

ABBI
Me too. Lets do this and make some
monay. Some mula. Get them boys all
hot!
ILANA
Good, cause it shouldnt be
awkward.
ABBI
Why would it be?
ILANA
No, Im just saying, its cool.
They put down their glasses. Ilana puts on an Eyes Wide
Shut mask. She hands Abbi a SEXY WOLF MASK. The masks cover
their eyes and upper face, mouths exposed.
Ilana types on her laptop.
ILANA (CONTD)
Alright, girlfriend. We are
officially live.

22.
EXT. ILANAS APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
Lincoln carries a brown paper bag. He buzzes Ilanas door but
gets no answer. He calls Ilana...straight to VOICE MAIL.
ILANAS VOICE
Hi, youve reached my voicemail
box...hahaha I said box. (BEEP)
Lincoln reads a paper sign taped to the door...
LINCOLN
It is not rude to deny strangers
admittance. For the safety of your
neighbors.
INT. ILANAS BEDROOM - INTERCUT
R&B Music plays. Ilanas cellphone vibrates...Lincolns call
goes unnoticed.
Abbi and Ilana dance in front of the webcam. Tips come in
slowly -- CHA-CHING.
ILANA
(to Webcam)
Thank you.
(whispers to Abbi)
Say thank you.
ABBI
Thanks, guys.
EXT. ILANAS APARTMENT BUILDING - INTERCUT
Lincoln stands next to a HOT DOG CART a few yards away. He
stares at the front door like a hawk.
LINCOLN
Hey man, how much longer on my hot
dog?
The VENDOR grills franks.
A HIPSTER GIRL exits Ilanas building.
LINCOLN (CONTD)
Wait, hold the door!
She spots Lincoln, looks to the sign, closes the door.

23.
INT. ILANAS BEDROOM - INTERCUT
Abbi does The Robot. Ilana performs gymnastics.
ABBI
How we doing?
Ilana crosses to the laptop, notices the lack of tips.
ILANA
Not great. We should turn it up a
notch.
ABBI
(yells)
Thank you guys!
ILANA
No, I mean we should do stuff, you
know? Get the crowd excited. Give
em what they want.
For sure.

ABBI

Abbi puts her hands on Ilanas shoulders. Ilana holds Abbis

waist. They slow dance around the room.
ABBI (CONTD)
This isnt working.
ILANA
Yeah, this sad lesbian soundtrack
isnt doing it for me either.
Ilana puts on some TRAP BEATS, strip club music.
ILANA (CONTD)
Thats better.
Ilana grinds her ass on Abbi, more tips come in CHA-CHING!
EXT. ILANAS APARTMENT BUILDING - INTERCUT
Lincoln buzzes another apartment number.
Who is it?

GAY MANS VOICE

LINCOLN
Hi, sir. I left my keys inside and
am locked out. Could you please let
me in?

24.
GAY MANS VOICE
What apartment do you live in?
LINCOLN
Uh, twenty two.
GAY MANS VOICE
Hold on a second.
Lincoln feels confident. A window on the second floor opens.
GAY MAN sticks his head out, stares down at Lincoln.
GAY MAN
I just knocked on twenty two. They
said they dont know you.
LINCOLN
My girlfriend lives here. Ilana
Wexler, fourth floor.
GAY
Why didnt you say that before?
LINCOLN
I dont know. I didnt think you
would ask.
GAY
Well, why dont you call her?
LINCOLN
Her phones dead.
GAY MAN
Yeah, sure it is, buddy.
He slams the window shut.
LINCOLN
Its cause Im black, isnt it?!
INT. ILANAS BEDROOM - INTERCUT
Abbi sits in a chair, Ilana gives her a lap dance.
ILANA
Smack my ass.
Abbi smacks it.
ABBI
Yeah, girl. Work it! Work that ass
on my lap. Shake it!

25.
ILANA
Alright guys. If we reach our goal
the next prize is a sixty-nine
show.
ABBI
Um, wait, what? Sixty-nine?
Its cool.

ILANA

A big tip comes in -- CHA CHING!!! DING DING DING!!!

Alright!

ILANA (CONTD)

ABBI
Were not really gonna do that, are
we?
Ilana lays on her back, head facing the foot of the bed.
Mount me.
No.

ILANA
ABBI

ILANA
(whispers)
Come on dude, this is live!
Abbi awkwardly positions her ass over Ilanas face.
ABBI
Like this? How?
Legs and arms tangle as they find the right configuration.
ILANA
Yeah just put your butt
here...slide down...OK sit up
more...
EXT. ILANAS APARTMENT BUILDING - INTERCUT
An OLD BLACK LADY walks up with groceries in hand.
LINCOLN
Thank God.
(to Old Lady)
Here, let me hold that for you,
while you open the door.

26.
BLACK LADY
Oh, thank you, sugar. Good to see
some chivalry still exists in the
world.
Lincoln is all smiles. Black Lady unlocks the door, grabs the
bag of groceries from him -- slams door in his face.
Hey!

LINCOLN

BLACK LADY
Read the sign, sucker!
Traitor!

LINCOLN

INT. ILANAS BEDROOM - INTERCUT

Ilana licks Abbis inner thigh...faking cunnilingus.
ABBI
That tickles.
ILANA
(whispers)
Pretend to moan.
ABBI
Oh, yeah, baby! That feels so good!
Your hot tongue on my...hotness. My
wet honey pot!
ILANA
What the hell is a honey pot?
ABBI
(whispers)
You know I dont like dirty talk.
Im not good at it.
The laptop DINGS. Abbi dismounts and reads the request.
ABBI (CONTD)
This guy just tipped two hundred
tokens. He wants us to kiss.
Ilana perks up.
ILANA
Well, the customer is always right,
right?

27.
She applies lip gloss, checks her breath, smells her arm
pits. Abbi, not so eager...
ABBI
Its no big deal. I mean its just
a kiss.
ILANA
Just a mutual exchange of bodily
fluids between friends.
ABBI
Please dont say that.
Sorry.

ILANA

The song changes to something grown and sexy. They sit on the
edge of the bed. Ilana goes plunging in for a kiss.
ABBI
(ducks out the way)
Ill lead.
ILANA
Cool, whatever you want.
Ilana closes her eyes and opens her mouth wide. Abbi, with
dread, closes her eyes and leans in to kiss Ilana. The music
and lighting is perfect, finally after all these years, an
actual sensual kiss.
As their lips are about to press...
ON WINDOW
Lincoln BANGS on the glass, standing on the fire escape.
LINCOLN
Oh, my God! Ya'll were about to
kiss!
Ilana lingers in her puckered position, eyes closed.
ABBI
Lincoln?! What are you doing?
Ilana snaps out of her daze.
ILANA
(heartbroken)
What?! What happened?!

28.
Abbi opens the window and Lincoln climbs inside.
LINCOLN
Thank you. Black people and heights
dont mix.
ABBI
Do you not use the main door? Or is
this like a Dawsons Creek thing
you two have?
LINCOLN
(to Ilana)
Your buzzers broken. I came to
check up on you. You asked me for a
doctors note then I didnt hear
from you, remember?.
ILANA
(lifts phone)
It was on vibrate.
LINCOLN
I brought you chicken noodle soup,
but its cold now and probably all
mushy.
ILANA
Even though Im furious that you
ruined one of my life-long dreams,
that is still so sweet of you.
ABBI
Uh, I dont want to interrupt, but
were kind of in the middle of
something.
LINCOLN
Why ya'll wearing them masks and
sexy outfits? And why were ya'll
bout to kiss? Wait a minute...
Lincoln looks to the webcam...the laptop...candles...
LINCOLN (CONTD)
You guys are on Chat&Wank?! Oh,
snap! Can everyone see me right
now?!
ILANA
Sorry Abs, I forgot to call him
back.

29.
ABBI
Um...exnay on the name-o ay.
ILANA
What? Its not like I said Abbi
Abrams.
ABBI
OK, Im out of here.
ILANA
Shit! Sorry. Wait dont go. Maybe
we can do a little menage trois
action?
Lincolns shirt is off, pants halfway down.
LINCOLN
That climb got my blood pumpin. I
feel like the black Cliffhanger!
Abbi grabs her stuff and exits.
ILANA
Text me when you get home!
Lincoln holds the webcam up to his face...
LINCOLN
Ya'll might as well call me the
plumber. Cause Im bout show ya'll
how I lay the pipe, down!
He turns towards Ilana with a ravenous stare.
EXT. NYC STREET - NIGHT
Abbi walks down the street in stilettos. Her jacket barely
covers her revealing outfit. CARS drive by and HONK, MEN
catcall...
MENS VOICES
Hey, how much? What can we get for
ten dollars?
Abbi picks up her pace. The HONKING and HECKLING worsens. She
takes her shoes off, runs down the street traumatized.

30.
INT. ABBIS APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
Abbi passes Jeremys apartment. She presses her ear to his
door. She goes to knock, stops short. Defeated, she enters
her apartment.
INT. ABBIS APARTMENT - NIGHT
Abbi finds a note on the kitchen table.
ON NOTE
IM STAYING WITH THE RENTS TONIGHT.
-BEVERS
ABBI
Thank you Jesus.
INT. ABBI'S BEDROOM - LATER
Abbi opens her laptop computer.
ON LAPTOP
Instant Messenger: JEREMY64 is online.
Abbi gets a playful idea, sinfully grins. She opens up
Chat&Wank and sends a link to JEREMY64.
She clicks the GO LIVE button.
ON LAPTOP - CHAT&WANK WINDOW
GOING LIVE TO ALL CONTACTS
Abbi doesnt realize this error. Music plays as she dances
sensually in front of her webcam.
ABBI
(to webcam)
I know we havent talked in a
while. I just wanted to say hi.
INT. TREYS APARTMENT - INTERCUT
He sits on the couch with no shirt on. Squeezes a hand clamp.
Stares at his laptop screen.

31.
TREY
Ugh, Jesus Abs. Im going back to
the men.
INT. 2 DJS APARTMENT - INTERCUT
Both DJs sit naked on their couch with 2 HOT GIRLS. They
stare at 2 laptops on the coffee table, side-by-side.
DJ 1
Dude, isnt that the chick you
almost banged that one time?
DJ2
Nah, dude. That chick was way
hotter.
INT. LOCKSMITHS BEDROOM - NIGHT
In the dark. The LOCKSMITH from season 1 wears boxer shorts
and a wife beater. He stares intensely at his laptop screen.
LOCKSMITH
Oh yeah! Open up for daddy!
He raises a key ring and JINGLES it.
INT. ABBIS BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
ABBI
(to webcam)
Do you like my outfit?
Her computer DINGS, she looks to the laptop.
ON LAPTOP
JEREMY64 types YES. TAKE IT OFF.
Abbi removes her hood, down to only lingerie.
Like this?

ABBI (CONTD)

ON LAPTOP
TURN AROUND.
Abbi turns and touches her toes.

32.
ABBI (CONTD)
Ive been doing a lot yoga
recently, so Im really flexible.
ON LAPTOP
TAKE OFF EVERYTHING.
ABBI (CONTD)
Wow. I wasnt sure if you still
wanted me. But if you still do,
youre just gonna have to come and
take me.
A KNOCK on the door. She smiles and heads out the room.
ABBIS APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
Abbi takes off the remaining lingerie, opens the door naked.
ABBI
Im gonna fu...
Reveal a MALE TEENAGER with a huge smile.
ABBI (CONTD)
....ck...Oh, my God!
MALE TEENAGER
Whats a matter, baby? Ill be
gentle.
INT. ABBIS APARTMENT - LATER
Abbi in her bathrobe, speaks to Jeremy. Male Teenager stands
in the corner.
JEREMY
Im really sorry about that. Hes
my nephew and hes staying with me
this weekend. I went out to get
some pizza...
ABBI
I was actually doing that for
someone else. I think I have a
virus, or a hacker hacked my
server, into my computers
firewalll...net.

33.
JEREMY
Right...Again, Im sorry about
this. Ill see ya later.
ABBI
Probably in the hallway.
Teen flaps his tongue at Abbi, she closes the door.
ABBI (CONTD)
Can this day get any worse?
ABBIS BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Abbi is about to close her laptop, something catches her eye.
ON LAPTOP - CHAT&WANK
Ilana wears a COWBOY HAT, rides Lincoln like a pony around
her bedroom. She spanks him as he makes horse sounds.
Yeehaw!

ILANA

LINCOLN
Where we going, cowgirl?
ILANA
Anywhere I want, bitch!
Abbi closes the laptop. She slides under her covers, turns
off the light.
END OF ACT THREE

34.
TAG
INT. ILANAS BEDROOM - LATER
Ilana and Lincoln sleep in each others arms. She SNORES, he
wears a smile from ear-to-ear.
CAMERA PANS UP THE FIRE ESCAPE WINDOW
EERIE MUSIC plays. DALE, Ilanas creepy stalker ex, watches
them sleep. CAMERA ZOOMS IN on his gaze.
DALE
Shes mine.
END OF SHOW