Wrrecs, Tri 1 1415

Composition I
writing feedback for Philip Bagnoli

Student self-assessment from the beginning of the trimester
Strengths: being an engaging writer. [W]hen I write, I make things more personal
or controversial so that the reader is more interested. I am conscious of the fact
that I have an audience. Therefore, I try to be very creative.
Areas for improvement: my main goal is to become more technically correct,
[e.g. using the right tense, knowing when to transition between paragraphs.
Writing process: Istart from scratch with no outline and go from there.
Then, Ispend more time revising and moving things around
so that I can then attempt to perfect it.
Instructor feedback from essay drafts
Example EssayStrengths: effort toward the large (e.g. structural, logical) aspects
comes through in this draft. By reading aloudtrusting that what works
best may be best will help the somewhat forced sections achieve
that same quality of presentationthat same clear, natural thinking.
: great title and a solid handle on formatting, as well as the purpose
of attention-getters, transitions, topic sentences, etc.
: this draft utilizes a nice, eclectic range of examples, ranging from personal
to literary to historical.
Classification EssayStrengths: thoughtful topic choice, one about which
readers likely imagine they understand with much potential for exploring
elements and associations that many may not have considered.
: your title, Neanderthals, the why-focus (in opening), beginnings of specific
examples, and potential sub-categories with forms of Expressionists
all seem like discovered, rich materials.
: use of process clearly benefitted those discoveries in this draftincluding
potential extensions worth exploring (e.g. connections to [1] priorities,
[2] personalities, [3] relationships, and/or [4] self-awareness).
Analogy EssayStrengths: an impressive list of positive aspects found in this draft
would include an effective title, many powerful descriptions (especially
of the symbol side of the analogy), and a technically polished presentation.
: in addition to the descriptive aspects, the use of narrative and even a bit of
process analysis helps this draft move gracefully through your thinking.
: a reader can tell that you have been open to surprising elements that arose
during the drafting process: hierarchical differences, just to name one.
OVER >
2
Example EssayAreas for improvement: use the revision process to work toward
greater conciseness and clarity in places, including experimentation
with different sentence divisions and sentence combining.
: both introduction and conclusion need to draw in the reader and focus down,
respectively, with one clear, emphasized entrance and exit
into/from your premise (i.e. thesis).
: replace things and its derivations with specific nouns; avoid passive voice
by making sure named subjects are doing the action; few other, repeated
technical issuesgood!
Classification EssayAreas for improvement: in revision, separate and develop
obvious sub-categories, thoughtful assertions like Disciples not having
minds of their own because they may have a low self-esteem,
and one (or two?) of your discovered essay-ending extensions.
: as you revise, continue to be vigilant about avoiding any stereotypical assertions
or biased selection of examples; youve done well so far with this,
but one cant be too careful when grouping people.
: be sure to maintain number agreement (e.g. not each persontheir
or onethemselves); always place commas inside quotation marks
(American English usage); work on precise selection of diction
(e.g. see something, Opposite, looking, etc. in this draft).
Analogy EssayAreas for improvement: in revision, try to have each specific
reference to your warfare symbol clearly align to a specific aspect
of your theme (easier to do with a narrow, well-defined theme
[see below]); in this draft it is the theme side that is more lacking.
: consider the opportunity for deeper development into the comparison
if the theme aspect were narrowed?e.g. the financial class
on Wall Street. This would allow for many more, more specific
connections to your soldier, battlefield, warfare symbol.
: be sure to maintain number agreement (in this draft, fix a personthem
and a soldiertheir); a couple there are/there is sentence
constructions that could be stronger; otherwise, technical aspects
are pretty solid.
Student self-assessment from the end of the trimester
Areas upon which I have improved: I have improved in many technical ways.
I am better with grammar and punctuation, and I am more specific
avoiding the word things.
Areas I need to continue working on: I need to continue working on number
agreement with pronouns because I still mess up on those
from time to time.
Insights about my best process: Seed book entries helped me get all of my thoughts
out front of me on a piece of paper. My best process was forming an idea,
and then writing it while revising it at the same time.
Composition I
writing feedback for Ian Baumann
Strengths: I can structure sentences coherently. I dont stray away from the topic.
Areas for improvement: expanding my vocabulary, writing concisely,
and developing transitions.
Writing process: jumping in and writing papers all at once. I only brainstorm
general ideas.
Example EssayStrengths: your opening narrative is so strong that it could serve
as a potentially rich analogy throughout the essay, including the option
to return to it at the end to emphasize/extend your thesis. Given
the beginning of paragraph #2, Ive made some suggestions
if you choose to revise in that direction.
: nearly all facets of this draft are close to being strong, only requiring relatively
minor tweaking to become solid; with a little more effort, the essay
will be outstandingand its potentiality deserves it!
: a thoughtful variety of examples, all of which uniquely connect to the premise
(perhaps another nod to the use of the prairie fire analogy?).
Classification EssayStrengths: contrast at the beginning is strong, as is
the descriptive language like a hulk at 64, can sprint
at over nine meters-per-second and zoom past the defense.
: clearly, you chose a topic you know well and can explore thoroughly
discovering a way to integrate the player examples into descriptions
with attackers; use this as a model for the other sections as you revise.
: many passages are clearly and naturally written (e.g. wingbacks)as though
they were effortless to write, making them seem effortless to read. Good!
Analogy EssayStrengths: a list of admirable qualities in this draft include the title,
the attention-getter, and the specificity of many of the supporting
examples (in addition to what I mention below).
: the degree of merging in this draft is outstanding, actually creating a revision
challenge that is the opposite from most analogy drafts: to make each side
of the comparison slightly more distinct. This merging from the start
allows the thesis to be effectively implied so that you can effectively
hint at your significant extensionperhaps even more in revision. *
: specific descriptions, of both the running and piano sides, are well-described
and the process analysis aspect, using the developmental chronology,
also works well.
OVER >
2
Example EssayAreas for improvement: revise toward making your body paragraph
topic sentences accomplish more, tightening and sentence-combining
to straight-forwardly delve into the meat of each paragraph.
: interestingly, the Fahrenheit 451 example needs the most work; ask yourself,
What unique supporting point can best be illustrated
by which specific moment from the novel?
: avoid you in most cases; watch for ambiguous pronouns (e.g. Who is them/
they?); write out percent; most other issues were one-timersgood.
Classification EssayAreas for improvement: remember, if you use existing types
(i.e. soccer positions in this case), theres more necessity for the writer
to present them in fresh, original, intriguing ways (e.g. Could you use
your player examples to explore each type atypically? Or could you
explore two[?] subcategories for eachusing invented names?).
: generally, try to revise toward having the structure of your essays seem
so organic the it is nearly invisible; here, the section headings,
self-conscious references to this paper/essay, using language
like subcategories make form a bit obvious.
: limit there is/there are constructions; more often use toward
rather than towards; maintain number agreement
(e.g. not goalkeeperthey or the defendertheir);
always place commas inside quotation marks.
Analogy EssayAreas for improvement: * try to be more clear about which side
is the theme; currently, pianist and runner are fairly equal. Although,
another option at this stage: leave these as a simple comparison in order to
develop more fully the point about happiness coming from achieving
at a high level in any performance and skill-related endeavor.
: admirable effort to use singular pronouns, though some number agreement
issues still crept in; most other technical issues are one-time occurrences
minor and easily corrected.
Areas upon which I have improved: My writing process has improved greatly.
I now use my peers more to help develop my ideas. Therefore,
I have learned how much peer editing can help in developing ideas.
Areas I need to continue working on: I need to keep working on my transitions
between sections.
Insights about my best process: My process now has a lot more peer involvement
which really adds to my ideas.
Composition I
writing feedback for Jonah Benning-Shorb

Strengths: using passive and active voice, the ability to concisely explain most points,
and the ability to structure a well-written paper.
Areas for improvement: I need to work on my creative writing skills, my vocabulary,
and my ability to find strong messages in books.
Writing process: I find my best writing process to be when I find a comfortable place,
and I dig in to my work. Once I have finished my paper, I spend a hefty amount
of time revising and editing my paper before I turn it in.
Example EssayStrengths: this draft utilizes a nice variety of examplesincluding
the book, a personal reference, and historical/contemporary connections.
: thoughtfully focused on the pertinent aspects of the Fahrenheit 451 example
(i.e. the woman who martyred herself rather than Montag);
do the same in revision with the two historical examples.
: overall, the thinking is clear and concise, and the presentation is appropriate
for a general audience.
Classification EssayStrengths: one pronounced strength is the application
of astute observations, regarding those who have attended dances
youve attended, an essential skill for writers. *
: overall, the writing in this draft is clear and straight-forward, meaning
that you are ready to complexify it and take risks in order to make
discoveries that surprise you (and your readers) as you revise.
: at several moments you move smoothly between specifics and larger ideas
even connecting groups and hinting at quantifying their uniqueness. **
Definition EssayStrengths: strong opening that functions as a powerful counterexample, effective use of conflicting formal (i.e. dictionary) definitions
(e.g. Another wrong/incomplete one at the end could be useful).
: how you return to a developing definition, improving it each timebuilding
toward a best, comprehensive, original versionis effective; consider
building on this structure & premise-related strength in revision.
: well-selected examples, effectively described to illustrate your points
about sportsmanship in general. *
OVER >
Example EssayAreas for improvement: be sure that all examples are specific,
original and presented in service of the point they are illustratingpoints
that contribute unique support toward proving the premise (i.e. thesis).
: reconsider the order of examples, making more overt in revision
how your exemplified points build upon one another.
: everyday versus every day; avoid single quotation marks for emphasis,
to imply ironic usage, etc.; avoid second person you; review less
versus fewer; s v , conj. s v versus s v conj. v ;
and not only needs but also.
Classification EssayAreas for improvement: * to avoid an overly judgmental
perspective, generalize beyond GHS and consider revising toward
a lighter tone (as you start to do with Grindersbut perhaps
with an awareness that every group probably annoys every other group
to a degree (i.e. Consider lightly criticizing all groups).
: use ends of body paragraphs/sections to clarify the respective paragraphs point,
allow topic sentences (partly through combining) to accomplish more,
and remove any elements that dont directly make each point.
: ** either quantify consistently and precisely (e.g. using estimated percentages?)
or avoid quantifying entirely; work to consciously vary your sentence
structurefor interest, clarification of ideas, emphasis of relationships;
maintain number agreement (e.g. not dancertheir); avoid calling overt
attention to the rhetorical strategy (e.g. classifications, subgroups)
because form is best when it is so organic its nearly invisible.
Definition EssayAreas for improvement: * continue to refine distinct (often
overlooked?) aspects of sportsmanship, using illustrations to emphasize
those specific distinctionsessential for a common term that readers
likely think they already understand.
: de-emphasize the suggestion that people should display more sportsmanship,
allowing this obvious truth to be implicit in the aspects of your definition,
to emphasize that people need to understand what true sportsmanship
is/looks like.
: be sure in-text notations include the first word(s) in the works cited; review
the coordinating conjunctions pairing not onlybut also; learn jester
versus gesture; otherwise, technical issues were sound in this draft.
Areas upon which I have improved: my concision, subject-verb [active] writing,
starting sentences, transitions, grammatical [issues, and] ?.
Areas I need to continue working on: order of paragraphs, thesis, introduction,
conclusion.
Insights about my best process: Sitting down and thinking about an idea.
Researching that topic. Writing the paper in order.
Composition I
writing feedback for Brittany Brown

Strengths: I feel like I am a strong writer when Im writing a long summary
about a topic.
Areas for improvement: I need to work on research essays. Im not very good
at claims.
Writing process: I do good [SIC] when I do it all at once, so basically the opposite
of research. I like to start early so I can revise.
Example EssayStrengths: this draft maintains focus on ignorance, organically
developing divisions into kinds of ignoranceforming the skeleton
for an effectively structured revision.
: thoughtful use of an honestly portrayed personal example, an apt pop culture
reference to a Disney movie, and a well-chosen MLK quotation
all of which will make the revision example-rich.
: much of the writing is quite conversational and natural; this strength
should enhance the revision by helping it be more reader friendly.
Classification EssayStrengths: this draft demonstrates a potentially effective,
free-wheeling exploratory draft, an early step in the process that can help
later drafts significantly.
: moments that include specifics will provide the best raw material for the revision
of this draft (e.g. head lice, pinworms, hepatitis A and polite gestures
such as saying please).
: discovery of the potential exploration into how peoples level of annoyance
tolerance differs is the kind of realization that should allow
your revision to gain substance and depth beyond your own opinions. *
Definition EssayStrengths: thoughtful approach to divide up aspects
of a great teacheralthough you could re-structure the essay into types
of great teachers (giving each a name? e.g. the Entertainer,
the Expert)rather than trying to cover every kind of teacher. *
: as the prior positive and related developmental suggestions imply, this essay
developed away from a classification formbut it does so in
an effective way, demonstrating your willingness to follow
whatever organic form is best for the presentation of a particular idea.
: admirably clear, clean, natural writing throughout this draft; in addition, the use
of specific thoughts from typical students worked well (e.g. You could
consider doing the same at the end as well).
OVER >
Example EssayAreas for improvement: revision process should start with

1) tightening everything to its clear, concise essence, 2) creating
a focused thesis around which the entire essay can be unified,
and 3) working toward coherence with the rest of the essay parts.
: clarifying the point being made in each paragraph, through each specific
example will make a huge difference in the revision of this draft
allowing for significant improvement.
: avoid second person you in most casesthough in one possible approach
to this introduction, it works, being part attention-getter; maintain
number agreement (not the person/the studentthey); generally,
use who/whom for people versus that; use active voice
having subjects do the actionsrather than using passive constructions.
Classification EssayAreas for improvement: * simply put, your best approach
for the revision of this draft is to choose and divide one aspect
e.g. either types of poor hygiene or types of bad attitudes?and to re-start
the essay without the catch-all, Things I Dislike, personal essay slant.
: its concerning that technical issues havent lessened from your Example essay
to this one (see below); be sure to allow feedback to carry over
from one essay to the next.
: avoid you (informal diction); avoid things and its derivatives (vague
diction); limit there are/is constructions (weak sentence structure);
check for run-on sentences (non-standard sentence structure). More
generally, ask about any rules you dont understand and practice correctly
so that you can eliminate superficial problems and focus on the more
important structuring, exploring, and effectively presenting your logical
progression of thought.
Definition EssayAreas for improvement: * to delve further into only the positives
but also the negatives (that you increasingly bring to this draft),
consider dividing each body paragraph to create space for further
exploration into each sidemaking a concerted effort to include
at least one specific example for each.
: options for enlarging and extending idea, at least at the end, include
starting from last sentence in introduction or offering specific,
potential outcomes that could arise from inferior teaching.
: a couple questionable uses of ands, a few yous sneaking in unnecessarily,
and some number agreement problems (not a teachertheir)
but otherwise, technical issues are becoming strong.
Composition I
writing feedback for Dana Brown

Strengths: Im a great creative writer and I often have very detailed work.
Areas for improvement: My introductions and conclusions are pretty weak.
I also need to work on sentence structure and grammer [SIC].
Writing process: I usually justwrite down all of my ideas and then form paragraphs
around them. Eventually it turns into an essay.
Example EssayStrengths: this draft demonstrates an admirable effort to find ample
research in support of ideas, including an eclectic variety of examples. *
: you clearly began to include some ambitious complexity (e.g. attention-getter,
paragraph 5, and the penultimate paragraph); this richness should
pay dividends as you explore these complexities more fully in revision.
: some nice descriptions in places, such as A scrawny boy [and] ragtag group,
like yin and yang, and so hot it killson contact.
Classification EssayStrengths: admirable gathering of raw material for the essay,
as well as the beginnings of possible ways to divide and group
in order to develop distinct categories. *
: some well-described images regarding the decades and their respective clothing.
: the discovered (?) concept of how fashion from the past influences fashion today
is well-worth being explored furtherdefinitely at the end, possibly
in other sections as well.
Analogy EssayStrengths: this draft establishes an infectious tone through the welldescribed self-effacing humor at the beginning that suites the presentation
of the thesis, all of which is set up by the title and fulfilled by many
of the facts and comparisons that follow.
: by including kinds of love and kinds of accidents, you have begun to move
toward the sort of specificity that will make this essay even stronger. *
: while it is the exception to the rule, your brave use of 2nd person you
works well for this essay.
OVER >
Example EssayAreas for improvement: * after drafting by bringing in

numerous possible elements, make time for 1) severe focusing
to those materials that most effectively convey your thinking,
and 2) re-working toward the most effective presentation
sharing widely, re-thinking, reading aloud, etc.
: avoid letting basic technical issues interfere with the presentation
of your examples, ideas, and good thinkinge.g. formatting
(proper ID info, font issues, in-text structure, using a bibliography
rather than MLA-style Works Cited), etc.
: when you double up on adjectives and verbs in drafting, be sure to revise
your diction to the best one; limit There is/are constructions
to write more actively; review proper MLA citation expectations
to avoid accidental plagiarism.
Classification EssayAreas for improvement: * be sure to use the entire
writing processbrainstorming freely, planning thoughtfully,
and drafting fully before significant revision and precise editing
then be sure to provide evidence of that entire process.
: * remember that you cant be too clear for your reader in identifying,
including defining and naming, your specific categories
and potentially, sub-categories; breaking up paragraphs
could be a helpful first step as you do this in revision.
: specific punctuation issues (e.g. joining two independent clauses
with a conjunction [i.e. S V , and S V versus S V and V ),
and simply being able to identify run-on sentences and fragments
(ask if you are uncertain); proper MLA formatting (again, ask
if you have questions OR look to an online source [e.g. O.W.L.]).
Analogy EssayAreas for improvement: * to make intriguing connections
on a more specific level, try to bring specific aspects of love together
with specific types of accidentsespecially by focusing on the symbol
side: e.g. icy conditions, defensive driving, new drivers, traffic law
violations, those I suggest in the text, etc.
: (ask if necessary about any technical issues before the end of the class)
review MLA citation formatting; review some comma rules;
avoid on accident when you mean by accident; strengthen
most there are/there is sentence structures.
Composition I
writing feedback for Kyle Cogley

Strengths: Im good at writing essays from books that I really get into. I usually
can find at least one relatable topic in a book and apply that to other book ideas.
I can connect different topics together.
Areas for improvement: If Im not really into a book or dislike [SIC], I find it harder
to write. I tend to ramble if I dont think ahead. I sometimes concentrate too much
on one thing and fail to see the big picture that ties ideas together or vice versa.
Writing process: My writing process changes depending on the topic
and my knowledge of it, but I usually stick with the following: brainstorm ideas,
pick the most logical ones or rule them out till Im left with a few,
think of supporting facts, sort them, write.
Example EssayStrengths: this draft incorporates an admirable number of examples
from contemporary society, both domestic and foreign, as well as
the novel and other intriguing quotations. *
: since you have generated ample raw material for this essay, as you revise
partly tightening around a narrower focus (e.g. perhaps around the article
Ive shared with you)should make the final result especially strong.
: you clearly chose a topic youre interested in!a choice that will benefit all
your essays (if you can present the examples and insights objectively).
Classification EssayStrengths: the depth of exploration, including specific names
of watercraft, is admirableespecially while maintaining clarity.
: the use of clear categories, thoughtfully developed around purpose,
supported by an effective use of subcategories, provided
an easy-to-follow structure and naturally logical progression.
: general clarity of writing in this draft is solid, implying that you fully
internalized the information and that you used the process more fully
than the evidence submitted might suggest.
OVER >
Example EssayAreas for improvement: in revision, tighten and work on

dividing material into manageable and clearly defined points,
partly by developing topic sentences that directly, concisely
focus on the point of the paragraph.
: * be sure each example is fully explored to make a clear point, counterintuitively by using fewer words; then focus on the logical progression
between ideas, trying to have no part of the essay feel separate.
: as you revise toward greater conciseness, precise diction will help
such as replacing forms of the vague word thing; limit the use of I
even within personal examples, revising away from it elsewhere; limiting
your use of questions, while immediately addressing those you keep;
using the beginnings and endings of body paragraphs to clarify the point
behind each of your examples will be key in revision.
Classification EssayAreas for improvement: be sure to submit evidence

of the entire process, including a complete rough draft
that you have shared with several others, demonstrating revision,
editing, and the overall development of your thinking and its presentation.
: as with any essay, the best structure will be one in which the structure
is so organic that it is almost invisible; in this essay, limiting words
like categories and the emphasis on divided into groups
in your conclusion make the rhetorical strategy too overt.
: be willing to create new paragraphs whenever logic dictates and the division
will help your reader; limit There are/is constructions, as part of
using more active sentence structures and verbs (e.g. use fewer to be
verbs [i.e. is, am, are, were, was]); be sure to cite sources
to avoid accidental (or the appearance of) plagiarism.
Composition I
writing feedback for Sarah Frischmeyer
Strengths: I can brainstorm multiple topics to cover in papers, and
I am good at researching different topics. I can find an excess of material
to cover in my papers.
Areas for improvement: I need to refine my word choices. I use more words
than necessary, and many words I use are not very powerful. I restate myself
often in papers when I do not need to.
Writing process: I write out my opinion on the topic of the essay. It typically
turns into a rant, but go through it, editing and taking parts out, until
I have something to work with.
Example EssayStrengths: admirable willingness to delve into complexity
and to take risksespecially in your introduction and conclusion
a much more interesting approach than playing it safe!
: this draft effectively maintains the focus of your examples and explications on
aspects of fear; just be sure that each aspect, illustrated by your examples,
is a distinct aspect of fear.
: this draft uses a nice variety of examples, ranging from a personal experience
to the novel, all of which effectively illustrate examples of fear.
Classification EssayStrengths: examples that are specific (i.e. The Incredibles)
while still being focused on the point being made (e.g. personal example
implying positive aspects) offer the foundation for other point-driven,
specific examples in revision.
: the examples you have chosen in this draft span a wide range of incarnations
of this complex emotion, from Petty to Deep. *
: it is to the credit of this essay that you have drawn of examples ranging
from Shakespeare to Disney; therefore, stay eclectic as you incorporate
specific examples for the other parts, including paragraph #3 & 5-8.
Definition EssayStrengths: thoughtful approach to introduce not just the obvious
negative aspects of stress but also the usually overlook positive aspects;
you could consider identifying a positive aspect with each distinct type
of stress that you define.
: the strong statements about expectations (e.g. make every play, hit every
mile time, and make every shot) enacted the feeling of stress, helping
the reader empathize; consider doing more of this with other sections.
: it is admirable that you cover so many stages, from adolescence to adulthood,
without the draft seeming summarizedand that you were able to tie in
the fight or flight concept in a natural way (tying it to the positives) *
OVER >
2
Example EssayAreas for improvement: work toward concise topic sentences
in order to more actively delve into each new idea; consider how sentence
combining not only can help you do this more effectively but also can
show relationships between ideas (e.g. Because X, therefore Y. ).
: try to minimize your use of Fahrenheit 451 in revision, allowing it to serve
simply as another useful example; this will require developing
the other examples and/or emphasizing the ideas that you are illustrating
by what you keep.
: some formatting issues, including closing up extra space between paragraphs;
be wary of run-on sentences, and perhaps consider joining those ideas
in other ways (e.g. semi-colon); review affect versus effect; maintain
active voice, watch present versus past tense and number agreement.
Classification EssayAreas for improvement: work toward making categories seem

less random, exploring how one leads to or away from the other, the specific
similar and dissimilar causes for each distinct type, acknowledging forms
you dont explore and (perhaps) overlap/similarities between others.
: * classifying this topic may require numerous, specific examples; 1) generalities
are of little help in defining types and 2) having only a few leaves out
too many (This is why relying to Shakespeares various dramatic
definitions, for example, could provide a more manageable structure).
: be more clear with pronouns, recognizing when they are ambiguous or unclear
enough to interrupt your readers smooth decoding; maintain number
agreement (e.g. not someonethey); avoid shifts to 2nd person you
in most cases; eliminate the repeated run-on structure _____, however
with _____; however/therefore.
Definition EssayAreas for improvement: to develop this essay to the next level,
consider shifting the focus from identifying examples of stress to using
each example to define distinct aspects of stress (e.g. Specifically,
how is the stress from high school athletics distinctly different from
the stress of academics?).
: * although not summarized, covering less could provide opportunities for
going deeper into the definitions of various kinds of stress; focusing
exclusively on defining the different stressors placed upon teenagers,
for example, would provide space to define each more distinctly.
: study number agreement issues (e.g. not a persontheir or Every parent
they); review everyday (adj) versus every day; consider
semi-colon use for ; however, and ; rather, (although
dont overuse them like I tend to do).

Areas on which I have improved: I no longer ramble on when I write about topics
I care about.
Areas I need to continue working on: work on the most effective order/progression
in my essays.
Insights about my best process: I need to rant about topics and then revise my work
until it is ready to hand in. This has proved helpfulespecially
in regards to my seed book entries.
Composition I
writing feedback for Lilly Hamilton
Strengths: Im a fairly clear writer, and I dont struggle with concision.
Im good at analyzing my writing with a critical eye as well.
Im very attentive to the structure and organization of my papers.

Areas for improvement: I need to work on making my writing more fluid
and connecting my ideas with a common thread. Overall, I dont take advantage
of the writing process very often when I write, and I should use it more.
Writing takes me a long time, and I find ideas dont flow freely.
Writing process: I like to jump in and write and revise as I go. I like to write
out of order and tackle the most difficult sections first. I pretty much
write it all out carefully and make minor adjustments at the end.
Example EssayStrengths: while your writing is admirably clear and generally concise
in this draft, it is at its best when you slow down and dig in to the details
of examples or the complexity of your claims; here when you allow
the groupings to be plastic, that adaptability (as with your personal
description) rings most true.
: the placement of your personal example is unique and perhaps effective
because it shows a merging of the first two types; you could consider
building on this strength by returning to your personal example
throughout the essay, or using it in the beginning, middle and end.
: your typical examples in the body paragraphs also work well, the more distinct
and well-described the betterincluding the effective opening that uses
a dramatized, typical (stereotypical?) example.
Classification EssayStrengths: while your writing is admirably clear once again
and generally concise, it is at its best when you slow down and dig in
to the details of examples or the complexity of your claimsin this draft,
when you let the grouping be plastic because that adaptability
(as with your personal description) rings most true. *
: your personal example placement is unique but perhaps is effective because
it shows a merging of your first two types (yet it also helps to make
Neutral Drivers seem an afterthought); maybe you could build on
the strength of your personal example by returning to it throughout
the essayor at least in the beginning, middle and end?
: typical examples also worked well, the more distinct and well-described
the betterincluding the effective opening, using a dramatized,
typical (stereotypical?) example.
Analogy EssayStrengths: from title to concrete descriptionsespecially
descriptions of your cookie symbolthis draft has all of the elements
to allow you to continue to explore connections even more intimately. *
: clean, clear, well-edited and natural writing in this draft will allow you
to focus almost exclusively on bringing the analogy to its full potential
(i.e. this draft is quality dough). **
OVER >
2
Example EssayAreas for improvement: in revision, explore various aspects
of your Neutral Drivers group to see if there may be ways to define
and illustrate types from within this large group.
: * the challenge with both sections is that they potentially undercut
your argument that definitive categories exist; considering the possibility
of interestingly disproving your own claims at the endespecially those

that lean toward stereotypes.
: number agreement (e.g. a drivertheir and a driverthey); using who
for people is preferable to that; oftentimes and overthink
are each one word; and learn how to create em-dashes.
Classification EssayAreas for improvement: the challenge with both sections is that
they undercut your assertion that definitive categories exist; consider
the possibility of interestingly disproving your own claims at the end
especially those that lean toward stereotypes.
: in revision, explore various aspects of your Neutral Drivers group to see if there
may be ways to define and illustrate types from within this large group.
: maintain number agreement (e.g. not a drivertheir, a driverthey);
who for people is preferred to that; oftentimes and overthink
are each one word; learn how to create a true em-dash.
Analogy EssayAreas for improvement: * obviously, my suggestions lean toward
staying in closer contact between your symbol descriptions and
your test connections; have fun with this!pushing them
as far as you can while knowing you can always back off.
: ** overall, once this quality dough is mixed a bit more, then fully cooked,
it will be purple-ribbon worthy.
: no significant, repeated technical issues. Good.
Areas on which I have improved: Ive improved on connecting my ideas
from paragraph to paragraph in my papers and understanding
what styles of essays work best to get my point across.
Areas I need to continue working on: I need to continue working on expressing
my ideas in the most direct way while keeping my writing interesting.
Insights about my best process: My process has become much more comprehensive.
I really like writing multiple drafts, so I can revise my work heavily
before I submit it.
Composition I
writing feedback for Luke Honold
Strengths: I can formulate ideas well, brainstorm and connect ideas,
write concisely, taking into account detailed information,
and I have a good sense of humor.
Areas for improvement: I need to work on having my entire paper connect

and flow smoothly. I need to be sure I have a strong enough thesis
to support my entire paper.
Writing process: (paraphrased) brainstorm, possibly outline, draft, revise, edit, evaluate.
Example EssayStrengths: planning, title, and correct use of citationsall well done!
: some extremely thoughtful, apt dictionincluding active verbs (e.g. triggers,
decipher and puzzles) and specific nouns (e.g. deference).
: this essay is admirably clear in how it overtly identifies the connection
between your main idea and your support.
Classification EssayStrengths: admirably ambitious to slip in explication
about emotional aspects relating to finances, the distinctions
between parents ability to provide for children financially
(i.e. parental classes), and the fact that children should appreciate
their parents financial sacrificesthough periphery to your focus.
: personal, narrative examples from your family, yourself and your sister,
are extremely effective illustrationsillustrations for which additional
facts and figures would provide an even more effective counterbalance.
: effort put forth toward the entire process is evident in how thought-through
all aspects of this essay are even at this first draft stage.
Analogy EssayStrengths: many strengths could be mentioned regarding this draft
Including the title, the attention-getter, the well-integrated supporting
material, and the precise word choice (e.g. financial playground
which characterizes both sides of the analogy, somehow without
overcomplicating by creating a mixed metaphor).
: the specificity of the comparisons makes the connections irrefutable;
see if you can make a few more specific connections in revision
(e.g. fleshing out the similarities between the physical casino
and the psychological atmosphere of the stock market) to make the essay
even more outstandingsince the rest doesnt need much work.
: to your credit, authorial interest in the subject comes through in this draft
although I couldnt tell for sure whether the writer was more intrigued
by the market or the slots.
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Example EssayAreas for improvement: try to use the sharing and revision process
more fully, providing evidence so you get credit for those steps.
: use transitions to more clearly connect examples and distinct supporting points
that arise from each illustration; try to tighten/minimize the Fahrenheit 451
example (Currently, it weighs heavily, being nearly half of the body);
replace summary in conclusion with a focused extension of your premise.
: review proper dialogue formatting (e.g. within conclusion); choose or replace

repeated words (e.g. rules and standards, stand against and challenge,
events movements); several other, minor, one-time issues.
Classification EssayAreas for improvement: structurally, divisions
including placement options and ordering choices will benefit
the logical progression of your thinkingas will maintaining
either the parents (or the kids?) perspective throughout the essay.
: stay close to financial aspects, supporting assertions with specific evidence
both numbers/percentages/trends and you and your sisters
narrative examplesillustrating each point.
: maintain number agreement (usually starting with singular causes
the challenges); a bit of vague thing-like word choice; review proper
usage of every day versus everyday and amount versus number;
be sure to ID areas for improvement on the Analogy/Definition rubric.
Analogy EssayAreas for improvement: your logical progression in this draft
leads the reader smoothly through the thinking; interestingly, when
something seems out of order, it seems even more obvious. The few
re-structuring suggestions I offer (e.g. on page 1 and in the conclusion)
were easy to suggest because to this reader, they fit naturally
into your established progression of thought.
: while topic sentences, generally are getting stronger, study a couple suggestions
written on the essay that demonstrate how you might sometimes
combine sentences, or even start with the second sentence,
to enter paragraphs even more effectively.
: a few moments when passive voice weakened your sentence structure, and a few
other single-time issuesbut otherwise, this draft is technically solid.
Areas on which I have improved: I improved on my transitions and I understand
how to make my essays progress logically better.
Areas I need to continue working on: I need to continue working on
my topic sentences. They need to accomplish more.
Insights about my best process: The best way to explore a topic is to just write
about it. Getting ideas on paper and exploring it thoroughly really help
develop an argument and makes the drafting process easy.
Composition I
writing feedback for Jessie Kaul
Strengths: Once I have a solid idea I can easily build off of it.
Once Im in the zone with my paper, I can keep going.
Areas for improvement: coming up with a first idea, having a strong argument,
using different/more intelligent vocabulary, staying focused,
and developing transitions.

Writing process: I start early and revise a lot with imput [SIC] from others
while having a set schedule to prevent procrastination.
Example EssayStrengths: the detail provided within the three literary examples
is admirable; choose the best of this to use in revision.
: generally, the writing is clear; the word choice is natural, the tone is appropriate,
and the desire to be precise comes through.
: quotations (from Camus and Twain are well-chosen; follow your own example
to draw from equally specific references from F-451 and Of Mice & Men.
Classification EssayStrengths: control over materials and awareness of the purpose
of attention-getters, theses, topic sentences, supporting examples
most essay elements, actuallycomes through in this draft. *
: in your Distracted Drivers section, when you characterize that type as
irresponsible youve stumbled upon a possible way to differentiate
(and perhaps even structure) your various types. How would you
characterize other bad drivers? (e.g. Drunk Drivers = destructive)
Could these characterizations even help you invent some fresh names?
: your brief, typical, narrative (singular?) examples will be definite strengths
once they are divided in order to be fleshed out and made less clich
likely helping you to discover interesting wrinkles
within generally held assumptions.
Analogy EssayStrengths: an impressive list of strengths regarding this draft
includes a solid title, an effectively startling attention-getter, and a pair
of dramatically written (e.g. lively and conversationally fun) parallel
narrativesespecially the descriptions of the cross country race.
: looking at the development of this essay, and this draft itself, you seem to have
organically found a more and more natural way to ease into the merging
of the two sides of your comparison. *
: great job of realizing what you could accomplish with the conclusion, revising
extensively in order to enlarge the idea; I hope you can find a way
to use this good stuff (in the beginning?)even if you end up
applying a version of my suggestion for the ending.
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Example EssayAreas for improvement: in revision, focus on the logical progression
of ideas and what specifics will provide the best illustration of each
supporting point; more generally, work toward less plot and more points.
: this draft begins with a literary analysis approach. Remember, its not all about
the story; its about what one example from the novelalong with
other examplescan support.
: review proper MLA citation formatting; be wary of run-on sentences;

use present tense for literature.
Classification EssayAreas for improvement: * with this foundation, you are ready
to draft more freelydelving into claims you are less certain about
and experimenting with (i.e. revising toward) the most effective ways
to express those discovered complexities that surprised you and therefore
will likely most interest your readers.
: as part of discovering new aspects and presenting your insights freshly,
consider fresh names, additional subcategories, dividing descriptions
from examples (reversing this order?), acknowledging gaps and overlaps
in order to focus and explore complexities, etc.
: technicallycontinue to identify main subjects and verbs to avoid run-on
sentences; maintain one point of view, unless you have a clear purpose
(avoiding any seemingly random uses of you or we/us);
and allow topic sentences to accomplish more (often by combining
sentences during revision).
Analogy EssayAreas for improvement: * in revising this draft, the main issue
will be determining how to re-structure/re-order the two narratives
in a way that brings them togetherperhaps increasingly until
they become one during the climatic description of the senior year
(that could serve as the end of the essay as well); what Ive suggested
may only be a step toward how it may need to be adjusted from there.
: limit little adverbs like a lot [or lots] and very; remember that a comma
is needed when a conjunction (e.g. and) joins two independent
clauses/sentences; yet overall, this draft shows great technical growth!
Areas on which I have improved: Ideas flow more naturally to me
and my examples are stronger each time.
Areas I need to continue working on: grammatical/technical mistakes.
Insights about my best process: The analogy essay came very naturally
because it was something interesting and something I experienced.
Composition I
writing feedback for Sam Kibbee
Strengths: using goo d information.
Areas for improvement: making things flow better, using in-text citations,
keeping events in order, and getting to my point.
Writing process: outlining because I know what I want to be in my paper.
Example EssayStrengths: the analogy of ignorance (that protects people?) being like
armor (or a robe?) is potentially a unifying element for the entire essay
if you were to clarify the comparison a bit and touch on it throughout.
: the humorous, self-effacing, personal example about gullibility creates
an effective tone, thoughtfully contrasted with your Holocaust example
and your Fahrenheit 451 example is admirably comprehensive,
offering plentiful material from which to work in revision. *
: this essay draft touches on an impressive number of intriguing ideas
worth exploring fully. **
Classification EssayStrengths: general descriptions within each type will provide
ample choices for further development. *
: implicitly focusing on dogs was a good choice, keeping the subject
from becoming too large (Go ahead and make dogs explicit in revision).
: in this draft, authorial empathy comes through; the reader can tell
that you care about dogs.
Analogy EssayStrengths: the beginning of this drafttitle, attention-getter, etc.
is as solid as an iceberg.
: it was thoughtful to bring up points about how the definition of success
differs, allowing you to connect the various definitions interestingly
to various aspects of glaciers/icebergs. *
: definitely have chosen and begun to explore a unique connection; in revision,
just push it furtherasking how each aspect of glaciers/icebergs
relate to specific examples of success.
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Example EssayAreas for improvement: * in revision, make your personal example
clarify how the ignorance of gullibility is armor-related (protective?),
make your Holocaust example clarify how that ruthless ignorance
was armor-like, and select the best (half?) of you Fahrenheit 451
example(s) to fully develop with specifics, also connected to the thesis.
: ** in revision, begin by 1) tightening language to its essence, 2) divide ideas
logically (re-arrange if necessary, deleting those that dont directly relate

to your thesis), 3) use concise topic sentences and transitions
to clarify distinct points from each specific, supporting example.
: never use only one comma between the subject and main verb;
limit 2nd person you; avoid try and, using try to instead;
let other technical aspects be secondary to idea development concerns.
Classification EssayAreas for improvement: * dividing each section to create
opportunities for at least one specific example of each, to more fully
develop some descriptions/aspects (e.g. Why do owners obsess,
neglect or abuse?), and to potentially explore sub-categories.
: revise away from a focus on the essay form, focusing instead on the insights
discovered by exploring each type; also, if the introduction and conclusion
arent used to set up and extend the thinking that occurs in the body
paragraphs, limit them by all but leaving them off.
: avoid shifts in points of view (e.g. you); maintain number agreement;
learn 2 comma issues ( S V , and S V versus S V and V /
never use 1 comma between main subject and main verb), and maintain
parallelism with lists (e.g. N, N, and N; -ing, -ing, and ing; etc.).
Analogy EssayAreas for improvement: * keep working on clarity
and conciseness to provide opportunities to explore
the comparison more fully (See suggestions in the text).
: be sure to provide evidence of the entire writing process,
from brainstorming/planning, drafting, sharing.
: review its (possessive) versus its (meaning it is); be sure you understand
number agreement issues (e.g. not onestheir or A persontheir);
always try to replace vague language such as forms of thing.
Areas upon which I have improved: dividing my main points to make purpose clear.
Areas I need to continue working on: I need to continue working on grammar usage,
being specific.
Insights about my best process: It was the most beneficial for me to write my draft
without a lot of pre-writing.
Composition I
writing feedback for Adam Loew
Strengths: [O]ne of my strengthsis my pre-writing. I work on my outline
because the better your outline, the easier your paper will be to write.
Areas for improvement: Sometimes I have problems making my papers flow smoothly
and cleanly, and my papers would bebetter if the transitions were improved.
NOTE: avoid qualifying assertions with I think (I feel, I believe).
Writing process: [M]y best process is to brainstorm topics to write about,

to write an outline, then to write my rough draft, edit and revise.
Example EssayStrengths: ambition of complex opening and closing, the inclusion of
multiple, wide-ranging elements within body paragraphs, and willingness
to take risks beyond the obvious are all admirable aspects of this draft.
: personal, England example has great potentialgiven the opportunity it could
provide for you to bring in greater specificity in service of your point.
: the potential for growth and the effective presentation of materials is easier
when generating material comes easilyclearly a trait in your favor
moving forward.
Classification EssayStrengths: you clearly chose a topic you know well, making
the right choice to delve into one soccer position than several. *
: clean, clear writing!setting up a revision that can take some risks
with complexity by including claims supported by specific examples
without fear of losing clarity.
: for the right audience, naming great players helps to illustrate your types;
consider using (one of?) them, perhaps in their own transition paragraphs,
as a culminating example for each typeallowing a larger readership
to appreciate the references. **
Definition EssayStrengths: this draft is notable for its clean, clear writing;
the few suggestions Ive offered on the presentation level are mostly
stylistic. Maintain this strength as you delve deeperunless such control
hinders additional discovery.
: the strongest moments in this draft are when specific descriptions support
your points (e.g. taking a commuter flighttaking the Gray Line,
the sunny beaches of Hawaii or the sunny slopes, rid the bus for free
with Londons Oyster Card). *
: admirable choice to challenge yourself by selecting a topic
that is generally understood. **
OVER >
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Example EssayAreas for improvement: be sure that the structure supports
specific examples to clarify the logical progression of ideas without
relying on unsupported claims that can seem like unfounded opinions.
: in revision, cut all generalities and vagaries, tightening the language and ideas
to their essence to re-discover each point being made in each section
then make those points as clear as possible, partly with divisions,
transitions and topic sentences. This should help you to make discoveries
rather than impose what you already think.

: technical issues should remain secondary to this other concern for now.
Classification EssayAreas for improvement: * in revision, consider freshening
the groupings from what already exists to originally named aspects youve
observed more distinctly (e.g. the Pele [as a type] or the heart attacker?).
: ** while you do quite well defining your types, in revision work to make
more of the essay a bit less insider-speak.
: write out one through ten; strive for simpler (i.e. stronger) verb forms
(e.g. brings versus can bring and run versus mustbe running);
watch contraction its versus possessive its; maintain number
agreement (e.g. not playerthem)remembering that
revising to plural usually works best.
Definition EssayAreas for improvement: limit material that is generally accepted
as a part of the definitionby re-defining the term (e.g. While many
think of travel as _____, they should think of it as _____.), use the place
aspect to break down the meaning into specific varieties (age and
affluencecould also cause people to have different, distinct definitions).
: * (it will be a challenge to let go of well-written parts to do what this essay needs
to be stronger) key for revision will be to trim what you have
and extend in ways that allow you to make discoveries about the term
specific connections to specific insights that you, and likely the reader,
could not have thought about except by writing/being led toward them.
: ** because the interest for readers (and writers) often lies in
what we dont fully understand.
Areas upon which I have improved: my ability to write clear and concise papers
that efficiently get my point across.
Areas I need to continue working on: I can continue to work on the style
of my writing and how it flows.
Insights about my best process: My best way to get started is to plan out
my main points and play around with those. After that, I like to continue
with the standard writing process.
Composition I
writing feedback for Cecilia Mitchell
Strengths: content choice.
Areas for improvement: concision, grammar, passivevoice.

Writing process: sit down and write (very little prewriting).
Example EssayStrengths: effectively drew on an admirable number of sources, which
will be strong once you include specifics from each and cite properly.
: examples themselves are thoughtfully chosenoriginal rather than the first ones
that a person might think ofproviding the opportunity for rich insights
about your focused premise in revision.
: definitely strove to grab attention at beginning (twice?), extend the idea
at the very end, and explore examples fully in the middle.
Classification EssayStrengths: deserves praise for an impressive list of strengths
including a great title, a well-described & efficient opening,
and generally clear, natural writing!
: the use of personal experience in this draft is exemplary!keeping the point
of each example to the forefront of the example itselves (i.e. utilizing
the examples primarily to be in service to the ideas). Beyond this,
and at least as important, the essay was enjoyable to read!
Analogy EssayStrengths: use of the pair of extended personal examples,
one about drivers ed and the other about early theatre experience
(both of which are well-described, especially through the specifics
of the driving/symbol side), help to imply the comparison. *
: this draft, as with the last, also contains much natural, clear writingespecially
when it becomes specific (e.g. the gearshift shifts, the steering wheel
turns, the pedals are pressed); now make Shows are huge
and complex processes equally specific in order to connect
the specific aspects of both side (on the last couple of pages?).
: more broadly, this draft demonstrates the admirable progress you have made
over the course of this trimester. Bravo!
OVER >
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Example EssayAreas for improvement: all three of the identified strengths above
will benefit remarkably by clarifying each paragraph point/purpose
of each example, as well as using topic sentences and transitions
to stay subtly in touch with one clarified premise.
: next rough draft grade will be much higherincluding more process evidence
and proper MLA formattingearning a grade more in line
with the quality of the effort.
: include in-text notes to avoid accidental plagiarism; write actively

versus passively, including limiting There are, There is structures;
be wary of ambiguous pronouns and misplaced modifiers.
Classification EssayAreas for improvement: providing evidence of the entire
process will not only help your drafts earn the grade that the writing
has achieved but also it will help you more fully realize the essays
most effective presentation and to fully develop your thoughtful ideas.
: strengthen verbs by limiting to be verbs (i.e. is, am, are, were, was)
and consider whether you could show relationships between ideas
more effectively by connecting ideas by using language other than and.
Otherwise, this draft contains few repeated technical errors. Good.
Analogy EssayAreas for improvement: * bringing the two sides together more
intimately, first with a modified thesis and later by connecting more
specifics from the driving symbol with specifics from theatre descriptions,
will help this essay steer onto the superhighway of a Broadway stage.
: while the theatre/theme side needs more work that the driving/symbol side,
continue to focus on the driving specifics to find those specific
connections that will be most useful for fleshing out your theme.
: avoid get (like got, theres nearly always a stronger verb choice); limit
little adverbs like even, so and a lot; other than a parallelism
and passive voice issuesagain, most other technical problems are minor.
Areas upon which I have improved: stronger word usage, concision, readability
and interest, proving arguments/justification/logic in writing, tone.
Areas I need to continue working on: structure (warrant statements, etc.)
and redundancy of small words such as that.
Insights about my best process: The seed book entries were my best tool in developing
and honing into material. I think my best prewriting comes from actually
writing on the topic, then deciding where I want to go with it.
Composition I
writing feedback for Ryan Nelson
Strengths: Im very good at editing writing and finding sections that are out of place.
Areas
Im also very good at writing in active rather than passive voice.

Im fairly decent at using the same galaxy of language.
for improvement: First, I need to learn to take less time writing, as I currently spend
great lengths of time editing my previous writing. I also need to learn to writing things fairly well
the first time, as it usually causes me to take an even longer time editing. Additionally,
I need to improve my vocabulary and my grammar skills.
Writing process: My best writing process is pre-planning each of my ideas, [allowing] me
to not worry about paragraphs. I usually force myself to write on a Saturday night
until Im finished, regardless of how late, then I edit the paper the following afternoon.
This forces me to finish the paper, regardless of how long it takes. The next day
I usually spend around two hours editing my paper.

Example EssayStrengths: your use of personal examples, contemporary examples
and literary examples balance well in this draftenhancing the scope
and complexity of your thesis exploration.
: this essay sports and effective title and a strong introduction, including
an attention-getter that draws the reader in with a clear purpose
as well as thoughtful word choice.
: full use of the writing process definitely comes through in the quality
of the result; continue to show evidence of what you find works best
for you as well as whats required.
Classification EssayStrengths: exploration of examples hints at some intriguing
sub-categories (e.g. lifelong friends) once you flesh out specifics;
also, this draft shows admirable effort in choosing precise diction
to explore complexities. *
: this essay draft appears to have discovered interesting opportunities to explore
developmental aspects of friendships by using a Process Analysis strategy.
: this draft displays a definite control over your materials, as well as
a full awareness of the purposes for the various parts of an essay
titles, attention-getters, theses, transitions, topic sentences, etc. **
Definition EssayStrengths: admirable use of several strategies within this draft;
in addition to definition, you use process analysis for the first half to trace
the development of the term, and also you use narrative to explain
the chronology of your experiences with the term. Youve succeeded
in making them work together seamlessly. *
: liberal solicitation and thoughtful use of feedbackthough clearly all of the
trying hard is your ownshows in the high quality of this draft. **
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Example EssayAreas for improvement: in revision, work examples and explication
toward a more direct connection to being ignorant [about] other
culturesor revise thesis to encompass all that your support suggests
about ignorance (being wary of allowing your thesis to become
overly broad for a short, focused essay).
: remembering that the conclusion is what you leave your readers with, revise
toward an extension of your thinking that is as sound and well-presented
as the majority of the rest of the essay. The essay deserves it!
: review proper in-text MLA citation; use true em-dashes versus hyphens;
do not use commas when joining non-independent-clauses
with conjunctions (i.e. S V conj. V versus S V , conj. S V );
most other, one-time technical issues were perhaps anomalies.
Classification EssayAreas for improvement: * while using overly complex
combinations of language may help you grapple with complex ideas
during the drafting process, revising away from any sense of overwriting
will not only help you to clarify those ideas for yourself, but also
help you express those ideas more straightforwardly (clear expression
of complex ideas being the gift of those we think of as great thinkers).
: ** since you have mastered control, practice experimenting with making claims
that you are a bit unsure of, supported with examples that may
or may not work (i.e. try to take more risks early in the process).
: maintain parallelism when listing, as well as number agreement (e.g. not
an individualtheir or someonethem); also, who is preferable
to that for people.
Definition EssayAreas for improvement: * you could consider opportunities
for expanding beyond your own experiences with the term, especially
toward the end when you speculate about the futures of your classmate
try-hards and others.
: ** while you could still provide more evidence of revision
(e.g. experimentation), whatever writing process your are developing
seems to be working well for you.
: always place periods & commas (not colons & semi-colons) inside
quotation marks (American English usage); again, try hard to use
who/whom for people; otherwise, few technical issues.
Areas upon which I have improved: Ive improved at writing more efficiently.
I now know to write more and then cut out unnecessary info.
Areas I need to continue working on: I still need to improve my introductions
and conclusions. It takes me far too long to write and find out anything.
Insights about my best process: My writing process sped up a lot, as I learned
to write poorly and then to clean it up later. I also learned grammar rules.
Composition I
writing feedback for Amanda Osland
Strengths: I am good at grammar and punctuation.
Areas for improvement: I am not very good at elaborating on things. I am also
not very creative.

Writing process: I like to write an outline. Then I like to write.
I also like to have a plan before I start.
Example EssayStrengths: ambitious approach to tackle happiness in unique ways
(i.e. not always being good), including the selfishness of making oneself
happy at anothers expense; the complexity of some of this
will make the revision richer.
: the draft contains some well-selected examples, including your personal
example, and potentially, the euphemism usage example
if it is used with similar complexity (e.g. the possible offensiveness
of not confronting a difficult truth directly).
: the naturalness of the tone, with its relaxed presentation, will pay off in revision
because nothing feels forced. *
Classification EssayStrengths: extremely ambitious to include decades,
complete with societal changes, several musical genres,
and multiple examples for each of your own original categories. *
: clearly chose a topic about which you have a comprehensive
working knowledge; this foundation will help you revise
toward discoveries by way of your groupings.
: title, group names, some band choices, etc. definitely demonstrated
originality of thought.
Definition EssayStrengths: working in personal examples with I was effective
in this draft; you could even return to this at the end.
: your strategy of presenting then debunking commonly held definitions of
family provides solid structure, as does your section-identifying thesis.*
: exploring several variables that affect the definitionpersonal experience,
cultural differences, personal feelingsis effective; in revision,
see if there are others that would be worth exploring.
OVER >
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Example EssayAreas for improvement: in revision, work toward a clear match
between your thesis (and how its set up by your attention-getter)
and the supporting point of each of your body paragraphs/examples
using transitions and/or topic sentences to maintain that clarity.
: * tightening toward a greater conciseness and being more precise
with your diction should actually make your relaxed naturalness
more effective without losing that appealing effect.

: avoid overusing and to connect ideas, in favor of clarifying relationships
with connection words (e.g. Because Xtherefore Y); avoid got,
gotten, and sometimes get; limit (or avoid) small adverbs like very,
a lot, really; replace vague diction (e.g. replace forms of thing
with specific nouns).
Classification EssayAreas for improvement: * in revision, consider simplifying
and focusing on your intriguing categories by de-emphasizing
when the example music was created (limiting decades and history?)
and perhaps using a representative example for each genrethen work
toward depth over breadth (i.e. Less can create opportunities for more).
: begin revision by radically breaking up paragraphs (see suggestions),
tightening the language and points to its/their essence,
and clearly using/defining your category names.
: to strengthen verbs, limit is, am, are, were and was; to your credit,
most technical issues are one-time incidentsother than
not needing a comma before because clauses at the ends of sentences
because they are essential. Good.
Definition EssayAreas for improvement: * in revision, see if you can go even further
in proving the dictionary definitions wrong by providing additional,
specific examples.
: be sure to show plenty of planning, revision, editing, and other developmental
evidence in the last couple of essays.
: always place commas and periods inside quotation marks; do not place a comma
before because clauses at the end of sentences because they are
always essential to the sentence; watch number agreement
(e.g. not Everyone their/themselves or someone/relative
their/them); use who/whom for people and review when to use each.
Composition I
writing feedback for Randy Paulson
Strengths: I am organized; I am good at planning, brainstorming and outlining;
I like to write; I am creative.
Areas for improvement: I need to be more precise and direct; I need to be able to
express myself clearer [SIC], and I need to work on transitions.
Writing process: I brainstorm, plan, outline, write, revise, edit; also,
I ask another person, usually a teacher, to revise it.

Example EssayStrengths: this draft uses a nice variety of examples, including
admirable specificity such as well-selected quotations
(e.g. F-451, page 2, and The Destructors, page 3.
: this draft shows a willingness to divide examples effectively,
rather than packing too much into any one paragraph. *
: you take admirable risks in you inclusion of specific support
that only loosely relates to your main points; just be sure in revision
that the relationships arent too loose for readers to make the connections.
Classification EssayStrengths: choosing a topic you know well (No citations needed,
right?) paid dividends in this case because you used your knowledge
to effectively make new connections that seem to have resulted in
discovered insight and plausible conclusions.
: the organic-seeming structure allows the presentation of ideas to emphasize
examples and assertions while maintaining a logical progression
of thought that stays in touch with your premise throughout the essay.
: your definitions of typesalong with specific, exemplary athletes
were effectively described, allowing your audience to be broad:
an effective presentation for both novices and die-hard fans of the show.
Definition EssayStrengths: this draft is packed with apt examples that clearly
illustrate important characteristics of heroes. *
: this draft contains an impressive number of tricky yet correctly expressed
elements from not only/but alsos to toward; it seems that
if you are told about an issue in your writing, you are quickly
able to correct and internalize it.
: * perhaps the only essay this trimester which has been remarkable
for its interestingly orchestrated sentence variety; this variation
of sentence structure can subtly engage readers, almost unconsciously.
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Example EssayAreas for improvement: try to show more evidence of having shared
your rough draft, as well as evidence of how you applied that feedback.
: * consider divisions between examples, or between parts of examples,
to be opportunities to clarify your pointsthereby staying in touch
with your premise.
: review/ask about some minor formatting issues; be precise with your citations;
consider variation of quotation tag placement; comma usage
S V , conj S V or S V conj V ?; most other technical issues
occur only onceanomalies?

Classification EssayAreas for improvement: revise toward having topic sentences
touch the meat of their respective paragraphs, and be willing
when it might work betterto move some of your drafted topic sentences
to the end of prior paragraphs to function as push transitions.
: notice other sentence combining opportunities with This is, It is, There is,
They areconstructionsa goal being in part to use more active verbs,
limiting is, am, are, were, and was.
: comma needed when two sentences are joined by a coordinating conjunction
(see Example Essay Areas for improvement, above); use true emdashes with no spaces, rather than hyphens; review further (concepts)
versus farther (measurable distances).
Definition EssayAreas for improvement: * consider opportunities that might
exemplify how less can be more to focus on making each trait you identify
as part of your definition entirely distinct as illustrated through a particular
examplede-emphasizing or eliminating some (e.g superheroes or antiheroes?).
: to be picky, there were a couple ands that didnt connect information
most effectively, a number agreement issue, a couple sentences that started
with But unnecessarily, and some commas that were needed to join
independent clausesbut generally, this is a technically sound draft.
Areas upon which I have improved: I am more aware of using active voice versus
passive voice, and I am better at concluding my essays by extending my thesis.
Areas I need to continue working on: coming up with more insightful titles,
and I need to more effectively transition from one point to the next.
Insights about my best process: My best process is using seed books
to brainstorm topics, main points I make, and overall essay development.
I also like writing out my thesis and outlining my whole essay.
Composition I
writing feedback for Jonathan Rebelsky
Strengths: My two major strengths as a writer are concision
and having a logical flow of thoughts.
Areas for improvement: I need to work on all areas of my writing. Although
I can write well enough to pass most classes, I think I could do better if I tried.
Writing process: Currently, I have found that my best writing process starts with
an outline. I then write a rough draft, and revise the draft until the due date.
Example EssayStrengths: admirable selection of diverse yet apt examples,
especially those presented with concise specifics.
: this draft demonstrates a willingness to trust the reader as you move
between examples, though some topic sentences could accomplish more.
: clarity and correctness of expression is natural and mature;
this strength will serve you well moving forward.
Classification EssayStrengths: providing one dramatized example up front
to return to throughout the essay creates immediate interest, curiosity,
and effective cohesiveness. *
: in this draft, you made clear assertions about intriguing aspects of lying,
while staying intimately connected to specific examples. Great!
Analogy EssayStrengths: in this draft, you have developed clear, direct,
distinct aspects of the campfire symbol from which to delve further
into the various learning methods. *
: again, writing in this draft is clear and naturalalthough a bit uneven as to tone;
to focus level of diction, etc., in revision, have a specific audience in mind
and make sure that every sentence presents your ideas for that person. **
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Example EssayAreas for improvement: * try to be sure that each example
supports a specific, distinct point that adds a unique wrinkle
to your thesis exploration.
: generally, revise toward stating assertionsas clearly, concisely and completely
as possibleonce; sentence combining will help you accomplish this.
: avoid passive voice (i.e. be sure named subjects are doing the action); include
in-text citations and works cited (without these theres a danger
of accidental plagiarism); and try to keep verb phrases together.

Classification EssayAreas for improvement: * bringing in a second case
will require developing its specifics and connecting it naturally
to your primary example (or [better?] you could attempt to accomplish
ALL everything with your one extended example).
: re-work some sentences toward more active verbs, avoiding There is/are
constructions and limiting the use of to be verbs (i.e. is, am, are,
were, was); opportunities for effective semi-colon usagethough,
dont overuse ; (like I tend to do).
Analogy EssayAreas for improvement: * this draft begs for further exploration
(due to its potential), including specific concepts or skills best learned
through each of the four learning methods and an assessment
of the potential outcomes/uses for each type.
: ** begin making the formality level consistent by choosing whether to use
you throughout the essay or (the safer route) whether to use
the more objective 3rd person point of view throughout the essay.
Areas upon which I have improved: I have improved on all areas of my writing,
but particularly avoiding passivity.
Areas I need to continue working on: I need to continue working on everything.
Insights about my best process: My new best process is to generate a rough idea
and thesis, then writing a very rough draft. I then revise it once or twice.
Composition I
writing feedback for Tyler Rezapour
Strengths: I can come up with strong ideas and potentially expand them.
My writing can be read pretty well.
Areas for improvement: I need [to] work on putting ideas in the correct order
and my transitions.
Writing process: Im not sure what my best writing process would be,
but I brainstorm ideas. Sometimes I play around with sentences and topics
to make them fit well into the paper I am writing.

Example EssayStrengths: your personal story at the beginning works perfectly.
You could even develop this to hint at different aspects of your thesis;
you could touch on it in your conclusion, returning to it if it could provide
one more extending thought; or you could even develop it as an analogy
that you could use throughout the essay.
: this draft draws on an admirable number of examples of various kinds. *
: generally, you have the beginnings of several potentially intriguing pieces
quotations, references and other illustrations; revision should be
a manageable attempt to solidify some of these building blocks
and to use them to construct a seamless structure for your good thinking.
Classification EssayStrengths: for this essay, you chose potentially strong examples
of crises that could effectively illustrate various typesespecially
related to Societal or National Crises. *
: specific examples are well-described, allowing you to revise toward conciseness/
away from any obvious aspects in order to develop categories & points.
Analogy EssayStrengths: in this draft you have chosen a comparison with plenty
of similarities worth exploring and merging (as exemplified by
your effective title)one of them being soccer about which
you are clearly knowledgeable. *
: this draft will function well as a sort of sentence outline, identifying sections
such as teamwork, role of managers, players responsibilities, the strikers
job compared to , the goalies job compared to; in revision,
replacing general statements with specific examples will help a lot.
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Example EssayAreas for improvement: * select from your wide range of examples
to develop the best of them toward more specificity, connecting each
to a clear point that supports the thesis in a unique way, and integrating
each of them into the natural, logical progression of thought.
: in revision, flesh out those examples thatcurrentlyyou only briefly,
generally touch on, showing the detail that helps readers experience
and therefore internalize the points being made.
: correct small, formatting issues; review a few comma rules, necessary
as you modify and combine sentences; generally, the selection
and development of examples is more important
than minor technical issues at this stage.
Classification EssayAreas for improvement: * use revised thesis, topic sentences,

paragraph completion to distinctly define categories (and subcategories)
with the goal being to discover truths about all crises
by exploring explicit types of crisis.
: I could mention There are constructions, crises versus crisis,
and avoidance of passive voicebut overall, technical issues
need less work in revision than do larger developmental issues
on the ideas and logical progression level. Focus on these first.
Analogy EssayAreas for improvement: * try to revise beyond simple comparison by
making clear which side of the comparison is your theme & by presenting
specific elements of your symbol in order to connect those to specific
aspects of that themefleshing out each of your general body paragraphs.
: technical and stylistic issues that you should make a concerted effort to
understand and apply to your last two essays include the following:
number agreement (e.g. not playertheir, personthey,
managershis or her); use sentence combining to avoid paragraph
labels instead of topic sentences; using precise word choice rather than
forms of thing; freshening clichs; and working toward conciseness,
partly by eliminating redundancy (see the They work hard paragraph).
Areas upon which I have improved: I improved on my own essay planning.
I feel that I can decide claims or topics much more clearly.
Areas I need to continue working on: I need to work on grammatical things still.
Also my topic sentences need to be clearer at times.
Insights about my best process: My planninghas become stronger. I feel that I have
a better idea of connections within the thesis of my essays.
Composition I
writing feedback for Jackson Schulte
Strengths: [M]y strengths are knowing how to use punctuation, spelling,
and understanding when its necessary to use first, second, or third person.
Areas for improvement: I think I could use work with writing more concisely
[COMPARE: I could write more concisely]. I also hope to be able to identify
different types of essays, and learn when different types of essays are necessary.
I also could work on transitions.
Writing process: I typically start out with gathering information, and outlining
what Ill be writing about. I try to make one rough draft that I can edit
continuously over time until it has turned into my final draft.
[NOTE: When do you need a comma before and?]

Example EssayStrengths: several moments within this draft contain
effectively descriptive writing, especially your personal example.
: the connection between your lost dog story and the two larger examples
is admirably original. In revision, explore this connection more fully.
: most of the technical elements of essay writing are impressively well done,
especially for a first essay second draft.
Classification EssayStrengths: in this draft not only have you taken on an ambition
topic but also an admirably complex approachnot only defining
common types of bullies but also suggestion common causes and possible
solutions; while Im tempted to suggest it may be too much, since you are
well on your way toward making it workyou should go for it!
: thoughtful approach to make cyber-bullying your primary focus (Notice
how effortless that section seemed!); develop this further as you revise
away from anything obvious regarding the other two types.
: your willingness to make strong assertions and to risk leaning toward persuasion
at the end introduces greater complexity and interest. *
Definition EssayStrengths: by taking familiar, largely unquestioned clichs
and exploring why they arent always true, you implicitly make
a strong argument against many assumptions held by American society. *
: while this essay assignment was expository, following the concept
where it naturally leadthe purpose shifting toward argumentative
is what should happen as any essay evolves.
: admirably, each section/each paragraph contains apt, specific
supporting examples. **
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Example EssayAreas for improvement: try to solicit (and show evidence of)
more feedback from others, especially feedback addressing
conceptual and structural aspects.
: maintain active voice ensuring that main subjects are doing the action
and use direct, simpler, non-ing main verbs.
: review colon and exclamation point usage; punctuation clarification
with S V , conj. S V versus S V conj. V .
Classification EssayAreas for improvement: * in revision, be sure to avoid
any assumptions by providing specific support for any debatable
assertions (Id strongly encourage having Mrs. Allen [former
English teacher] read through a revision of this draft to help with

any oversimplification of potential solutions and/or research
what IS best for victims to do in each situation).
: be willing to paragraph more frequently if logic suggests it, allowing space
for greater completeness within each shorter paragraphincluding
more specific examples to illustrate in concrete ways what you describe.
: limit passive voice, being sure in revision that subjects are doing the actions;
keep considering the most effective usage of semi-colons and colons;
and ensure properly matching pronouns (e.g. not cyber-bulliesits).
Definition EssayAreas for improvement: * in revision, there is an opportunity
to develop the redefinition aspect, clarifying problems with always
sticking with an activity/endeavorand clarifying why sometimes
quitting can help winners win.
: ** most sections have opportunities for further developmente.g. adding
paragraphs containing additional, specific, distinct examples.
: small citation issues, in text and works cited; one questionable semi-colon usage;
one questionable and usage. Otherwise, technical aspects are sound.
Great!

Areas upon which I have improved: I have become a more concise writer,
and fixed a lot of technical things I was previously unaware of.
Areas I need to continue working on: active voice.
Insights about my best process: I learned a lot about brainstorming, and now
I wouldnt even begin a sentence without a good brainstorming sheet.
Composition I
writing feedback for Kennedy Surch
Strengths: introductions and quote placement.
Areas for improvement: not good at writing conclusions.
Writing process: I usually just start wiring, but sometimes I jot down a rough outline
before I start.
Example EssayStrengths: your writing is already quite clear, direct and thoughtful
in this draftespecially in those passages where you dont overwrite:
most of the essay actually.
: you definitely took risks with both your claims and your support, enhancing the
essays richness & complexity; an ambitious draft with a few challenges

is better than a polished draft thats vacuous of quality thinking.
: your attention-getter leading to thesis, your selection of material,
and your admirably natural and straightforward writing
are all standout strengths in this essay. Keep it up!
Classification EssayStrengths: effective use of brief, nearly listed examples
that pithily yet comprehensively define each type of catand these
descriptions are achieved with just the right light yet informational tone. *
: your affection for the topic clearly comes through in a way that not only helps
the reader enjoy the descriptions but also allows them to care about
the differences; use this empathy to express something discovered
by the end. What can you say about cats that you couldnt have
before having explored the different kinds of cats?
: this solid foundation definitely deserves a more in-depth exploration. Bravo!
Analogy EssayStrengths: this short essay contains a long list of strengths, including
a good title and a great opening that draw readers into the moment,
allowing them to visualize details that culminate in specific, typical
examples that smoothly lead to an effective, clearly implied premise
and thats just the first paragraph.
: by focusing on specific aspects of the symbol side of the analogy, you seem to
have discovered many particular connections with the theme side
expressing the many problems with gossip metaphorically which,
in this case, is more powerful than literally would be (partly because
the wit within the connections keeps either side from seeming didactic).
: one of the most admirable aspects of this draft is how close you keep
the comparison, even within much of the language you use;
much untapped potential remains available for this essay that I hope
you will continue to develop (e.g. see my suggestion at the end).
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Example EssayAreas for improvement: try to make the end of the essay at least
as strong as the rest, especially since readers often remember best
what they read lastand add complete citation elements, including
a Works Cited after the conclusion to avoid accidental plagiarism.
: be sure to show evidence of the entire processdrafting early, soliciting
plentiful peer feedback, and showing evidence of substantial revision;
using more of this process earlier, may have made this good draft
an outstanding draft.
: beware of connecting ideas too often with and and but when relationships
between ideas could be made more clear by connecting them
in other ways; review everyday, an adjective, versus every day;
most technical issues make one-time appearances in this draft,
so they are perhaps anomalies.

Classification EssayAreas for improvement: * select from these nearly listed
examples (at least?) one to develop as a specific, representative example
of the type in each subsequent (added) paragraphperhaps
even identifying subcategories as you focus down in that sort of way.
: be sure to submit ample evidence of the process, especially sharing and true
(i.e. nearly experimental) revision; in this revision, use the final stage
in that process to delve into more aspects that could result in
acknowledging overlap and/or discovering subcategories.
: few technical errors repeated, but feel free to ask about ending sentences with
prepositions, avoiding vague thing diction, using who for people, etc.
Analogy EssayAreas for improvement: ?.
: in revision, maintain point of view more consistently. While the introductory
paragraph works well in second person (you), the restup to
the conclusion?would be effective in a consistent we, us, our
perspective; the conclusion, howeverwith its use of the singular
pronounworks well in third person.
: limit little adverbs like just, so, very; whenever possible, replace vague
diction like forms of thing; otherwise, technical aspects are sound.
Areas upon which I have improved: I stopped overusing conjunctions
and avoided ending sentences with prepositions.
Areas I need to continue working on: showing my drafting process.
Insights about my best process: just allow myself to start writing and edit from there.
Composition I
writing feedback for Wyatt Thomas
Strengths: My strength is body paragraphs and transition sentences [SIC].
Writing at night all at once is probably not good but I do that a lot.
Areas for improvement: The introduction and just starting the paperafter that
Im good.
Writing process: revising/editing because I enjoy correcting the mistakes to improve.
Example EssayStrengths: essay contains many intriguing piecescomplex ideas,
well-chosen examples; this ample raw material should help to make
your revision strong. *
: the complexity of being logical versus emotional is already an admirably

complex premise if you can stick with this closely, focusing on it
with specific examples (also, the completeness and proper presentation
of three of your Works Cited sources was right on).
: examples that will be most effective after revision include the Jobs quotation
and the Kyle Carpenter example (though do be sure to tell if Carpenter
lived or died); use these as models to make the MLK and high school
examples more specific/less common knowledge.
Classification EssayStrengths: your discovery of using the willingness of people
to forgive certain crimes as an original way to evaluate crimes types
within the standard infraction, misdemeanor, and felony legal groupings
will make the revision of this draft especially intriguing; shouldnt your
thesis be, as you write in the middle of your essay, When classifying
crimes by the ability of the victims to forgive the offender, as the severity
of the crime increases, the forgiveness rate decreases. *
: you include some well-selected examples, described with clarity, that effectively
illustrate specific classes of crimesand from which the forgiveness
aspect can be explored on concrete, rather than theoretical, terms.
Analogy EssayStrengths: several moments in this draft are quite original,
and some of the quotations (e.g. the attention-getter) are well-selected. *
: some moments in this draft seem natural and conversational (for the rest
to seem equally natural and conversational can take hours
of concerted effort over the course of the entire drafting week).
: you should be commended for choosing a complex, rich, intriguing theme
one that is perfect for using a simple, analogical comparison
for understanding better, although as you correctly imply,
ninety percent of depression may never be fully understood.
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Example EssayAreas for improvement: : * in revision, begin by 1) tightening
language to its essence, 2) divide ideas logically (re-arrange as necessary)
3) use concise topic sentences and transitions to clarify distinct points,
and 4) revise each example toward specific, original illustrations of points.
: maintaining a consistent, objective, 3rd-person perspective will help not only
the presentation of ideas but also the logical progression of thinking
for you as well as the reader (Reading aloud, along with transitions,
could also improve this).
: avoid you & our/we as much as possible; use last names within examples;
several random issuescommas, present tense with lit, overuse of and
to connect ideasbut mostly, work on conciseness and clarity first.
Classification EssayAreas for improvement: * lack of process evidenceearly
sharing of a completed draft (with several others) and significant
revisionis not only where your grade was affected the most
but also perhaps the reason that you werent able to fully develop
and most effectively present the forgiveness focus of the essay.
: study suggestions in text and apply them to subsequent essaysincluding
topic sentences that are more than paragraph labels, paragraphs
that concisely focus on one clear point rather than anything extraneous,
and a consistent focus on the premise (i.e. thesis) throughout the essay.
: use toward, not towards; oftentimes is one word; avoid passive voice.
Analogy EssayAreas for improvement: * with such good moments, its too bad
that they are overwhelmed by unclear, almost sloppy, moments
that seem randomincluding quotations that seem stuck in as filler
rather than being thoughtfully integrated. Be sure to read your drafts aloud
and re-work original drafts during the drafting, revision, editing week
as much as necessary (sharing extensively with other readers to help refine
your thinking) to make the entire essay worthy of those good moments.
: along with using the whole process, applying the specific feedback from each
prior draft will help each subsequent draft become more successful.
: many of the same technical problems continue to show up, including shifting
points of view, punctuation difficulties, and basic formatting/ MLA rules;
please ask about these and any other suggestions before the end of this
course, so you dont end the trimester with easily corrected writing issues.
Areas upon which I have improved: My best process is pre-planning and then
transitioning that into the intro and first body paragraph.
Areas I need to continue working on: Finish my writings faster and have
multiple people edit the piece of literatureTECHNICALS.
Insights about my best process: My best process is revision because my essays
were somewhat bad but after revisions the grade went up drastically.
GET FEEDBACK SOONER.
Composition I
writing feedback for Tanner Tokle
Strengths: grammar.
Areas for improvement: getting my papers and essays to flow better.
Writing process: [M]y best writting [SIC] process is writting [SIC] 5-paragraph essays
and spending a long period of time, for example 4 hours, writting [SIC] at a time.
Example EssayStrengths: discovered some subtle distinctions about effective

communication that should provide opportunities for a more complex
exploration in revision. Such discoveries show the writing is working
for you and, therefore, that it likely will engage your readers!
: used personal insights to integrate personal examples effectively
presenting them both objectively and honestly.
: use of dialogue (2X) makes those examples especially effective.
Classification EssayStrengths: strong title, good names for groupings, and at least
one pair of read-to-develop sub-categories (beneath Crammers)*
all effective aspects of this draft.
: strongest parts of this draft are those moments when you provide specific,
typical examples (where I suggest alternating genders
with singular pronouns from paragraph to paragraph);
consider expanding this strategy as you reives. *
: writing is generally relaxed and straight-forward; try not to lose these aspects
as you revise toward greater complexity of thinking, conciseness, etc.
Analogy EssayStrengths: moments in which the descriptive language brings
the comparison together work best in this draft (e.g. The new draft
slides out of the warm confines of the printer); work toward
more of this merging in revision. *
: thoughtful approach to use process analysis as part of this essays structure. *
: much of the writing in this draft is clear and natural. Good.
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Example EssayAreas for improvement: read drafts aloud, especially
after setting them aside for a while (if possible), to experience
the presentation of your own thinking as objectively as possible.
: work toward allowing paragraphs to function both as a natural extensions,
point-to-point, of your thinking and also as structurally autonomous
blocks of thought.
: avoid shifting P.O.V. to you, us/we; several comma issuesespecially
prior to subjects, after introductory clauses; present dialogue
(over four lines) as dialogue would appear in a fictional work;
replace things and its derivations with specific diction;
watch for indefinite pronouns (e.g. this).
Classification EssayAreas for improvement: most important goal for revision
(for any essay, really) is to try to discover something about studiers
that you wouldnt have realized if you hadnt broken the topic down
in order to explore its distinct aspects (In this case, developing subcategories could be one way to go deeper to make that discovery).
: * experiment with sub-categories for some groupings (like Crammers):
e.g. Could Protracted be divided into those who do enough to learn fully,
long-term and those who do more than necessary? (and does the latter
group do too much due to fear of failure, obsessive personalities, lack
of diverse interests?why being an interesting way to extend ideas).
: the sentence construction that includes not only requires but also; maintain
number agreement (see my suggestion * on the bottom of page 1); strive
avoid statements in the negative by stating what IS instead; to accomplish
more with topic sentences (e.g. through sentence combining?).
Analogy EssayAreas for improvement: *X2consider merging the comparisons
in paragraph 2 & 3 so the description is covered once with both sides
of the analogy clear, and using the established process analysis to find
logical places to paragraph, based upon the steps in the process.
: maintain parallelism within lists (e.g. the [noun], the [noun], and the [noun],
etc.); though number agreement is better in this draft, it does contain one
onethey; finally, continue to limit second-person you point of view.
Areas upon which I have improved: Writing became clearer and more natural.
Areas I need to continue working on: comma placement and number agreement.
Insights about my best process: Getting a peer to review my paper or even anyone
to hear [his or her] thoughts or ideas on the topic.
Composition I
writing feedback for Nate Vosburg
Strengths: When I get an idea in my head to write about, I typically dont have
any trouble coming up with strong points and a lot of content. Im also good
at tying my points together to create a thesis statement.
Areas for improvement: I need to work on brainstorming and coming up with a
good topic in the first place. Sometimes I am lazy during the brainstorming phase
and I have trouble creating a good topic. [When do you include a comma after and?]
Writing process: I like to brainstorm by thinking of topics that I can take a side on.
From there, I usually choose the strongest topic with the most points
and arguments. Then I use those points from brainstorming to create
a thesis statement for my paper. From there, it pretty much writes itself.
Example EssayStrengths: you use an ambitious number of examples in this draft
both related to and distinct from each other (in revision you may find that
less can be more when it comes to utilizing supporting points). *
: at several points in this draft you approach some interesting claims (e.g. There is
an important difference between heroes and legend; ordinary
but heroic people can become legendary; one can be legendary
without many people being aware of his or her legendariness; etc.);
choose one (or two?) to fully explore and revise out the others.
: organically, you have discovered an approach akin to a definition essay;
go ahead and revise in that direction if that matches your vision
for the essay (See Chapter 9, pages 363-438, in Patterns of Exposition).
Classification EssayStrengths: in this draft you make an interesting, risky,
but potentially effective choice to acknowledge stereotypes
in the definition of your categories; in revision, it shouldnt take
much more explanation to clarify your rationale behind this choice.
: a long list of effective aspects within this draft would include an effective title,
an engaging attention-getter, and the inclusion of expert support
from outside sources (this is part of what allows readers to accept
the stereotypes [consider bringing in more of this throughout the essay]).
: writing was admirably clear and cleanly written!and many of the descriptions
were outstanding, complete with typical brands and pithy definitions
of your use of terms like hipsters, etc. *
Analogy EssayStrengths: in this draft, you have developed many thoughtful,
effectively connected larger aspects between the two sides
of the comparison (e.g. planning a climb and preparing for success). *
: specifics like English majorengineer, thin air, frostbite, hypothermia,
and poverty, was a victim are the strongest moments in this draft
(Strive to do the same with anything general in revision).
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Example EssayAreas for improvement: * be sure that each example
is used to convey a distinct point that adds to the overall support
for your premise (i.e. thesis).
: structurally, divide according to points being made, avoiding redundancy
with ideaspartly through connections between examples
that clarify each unique purpose.
: cite in-text references with first word(s) in Works Cited list, and review
the format for an MLA Works Cited; divide paragraphs into
more manageable chunks, using the connection to make your points
more clear; actually, few significant, repeated technical issuesgood.
Classification EssayAreas for improvement: * consider distinguishing
some of your terms (e.g. Preps, Rednecks, New Englanders)
as sub-categories (e.g. How are New Englanders distinct
from the larger category of easterners? Does the eclectic aspect

of stereotypical Midwestern fashion also occur elsewhere?).
: to make section headings work, experiment with breaking up your paragraphs
to address each category, subcategory and illustrative example separately.
: avoid random shifts to second person you; maintain number agreement
(e.g. not The average West Coasterthey); capitalize the West Coast,
the Midwest, and the East Coastbecause the distinguishes
a specific part of the country, not just a direction. Overall,
technical aspects were well done in this draft. Bravo!
Analogy EssayAreas for improvement: * many opportunities for smaller, specific
connections within the analogy; focus on specifics with the symbol
(climbing) and youll discover more connections with the theme (success).
: develop an ending which naturally extends or enlarges the comparison, limiting
summary as much as possible.
: notice periods with in-text citations; some number agreement issues
(e.g. not onethey or an individualthem); otherwise,
most technical issues are one-timers. Good.

Areas upon which I have improved: Technical areas: structuring my essay
so that it most effectively conveys my point.
Areas I need to continue working on: Fully exploring my topic
and making sure my essay is fully extended.
Insights about my best process: I felt as though my argumentative essay was my best.
The fact that I really knew what I was writing about and the fact that
I had a strong opinion on it made it easy and fun to write.

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Wrrecs, Tri 1 1415

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Composition I

writing feedback for Philip Bagnoli

writing feedback for Jonah Benning-Shorb

Student self-assessment from the beginning of the trimester

Example EssayAreas for improvement: revision process should start with

Student self-assessment from the beginning of the trimester

Example EssayAreas for improvement: * after drafting by bringing in

Student self-assessment from the beginning of the trimester

Example EssayAreas for improvement: in revision, tighten and work on

Classification EssayAreas for improvement: be sure to submit evidence

Classification EssayAreas for improvement: work toward making categories seem

Student self-assessment from the end of the trimester

Im very attentive to the structure and organization of my papers.

of interestingly disproving your own claims at the endespecially those

Areas for improvement: I need to work on having my entire paper connect

: review proper dialogue formatting (e.g. within conclusion); choose or replace

and developing transitions.

: review proper MLA citation formatting; be wary of run-on sentences;

logically (re-arrange if necessary, deleting those that dont directly relate

Writing process: [M]y best process is to brainstorm topics to write about,

rather than impose what you already think.

Areas for improvement: concision, grammar, passivevoice.

: include in-text notes to avoid accidental plagiarism; write actively

Im also very good at writing in active rather than passive voice.

Instructor feedback from essay drafts

not very creative.

more effective without losing that appealing effect.

I ask another person, usually a teacher, to revise it.

occur only onceanomalies?

of accidental plagiarism); and try to keep verb phrases together.

to make them fit well into the paper I am writing.

Classification EssayAreas for improvement: * use revised thesis, topic sentences,

[NOTE: When do you need a comma before and?]

Instructor feedback from essay drafts

English teacher] read through a revision of this draft to help with

Student self-assessment from the end of the trimester

essays richness & complexity; an ambitious draft with a few challenges

so they are perhaps anomalies.

: the complexity of being logical versus emotional is already an admirably

Instructor feedback from essay drafts

Example EssayStrengths: discovered some subtle distinctions about effective

from the larger category of easterners? Does the eclectic aspect

Student self-assessment from the end of the trimester

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