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Dying of Embarrassment
Dying of Embarrassment
Do you perform required social tasks only when absolutely necessary? Do meeting, greeting, and
mixing with others make you feel apprehensive and self-conscious? If so, this class is for you. Stop
watching life from the sidelines! You'll learn a simple, proven, systematic method for dealing with a
variety of social situations. Gain new confidence and self-esteem, and find genuine enjoyment in
interacting with others.
Lessons
1. Understanding the problem
After getting some background for understanding the source and degree of your
fears, you'll explore some beginning steps for overcoming your social phobias.
2. Building a foundation for change
Find out how to take the first steps toward self-improvement using the three key
factors that result in positive changes and the Social Success Cycle.
3. The Social Success Cycle
Learn how to gain the courage needed to attend social functions, then learn
some strategies for handling potentially awkward situations you might
encounter.
4. Applying the model
Building on what you learned in Lesson 3, learn how to bolster your confidence
and manage apprehension when dealing with others.
5. Changing for good
Gain a better understanding of the concept of relapse and what to do to prevent
it. Learn the importance of a balanced lifestyle and develop skills for continuing
your growth beyond this course.
6. Where do I go from here?
Evaluate the progress you have made, and examine the options of professional
help and medication. You will also learn how to handle a potentially shy child.
Real
Media
Promo
Until relatively recently, social anxiety was an invisible epidemic. No one talked about it. Shy people
certainly were not inclined to bring it up -- further increasing their feelings of isolation and being
"weird." Even now, people with severe social anxiety are misdiagnosed almost 90 percent of the
time as "schizophrenic," "manic-depressive," "clinically depressed," "panic disordered," and
"personality disordered," among other damaging misdiagnoses.
The stigma surrounding social anxieties is lifting, thanks primarily to celebrities like Carol Burnet,
Johnny Carson, and recently Donny Osmond who have spoken candidly about the torment of being
socially anxious. With this openness has come the development and dissemination of improved
methods for dealing with the problem. Best of all, each success story has added new evidence to
the fact that the fear of social things can be overcome.
Types of shyness
One of the greatest tales of survival in expedition history is Sir Ernest Shackleton's 1914 voyage to
the Antarctic. After almost two years of unbelievable hardship including the lost of his only ship and
being stranded for months on a drifting ice floe, Shackleton returned safely to England without
losing a single member of his band of explorers.
Shackleton needed 28 men for the expedition. To recruit them he ran the following ad:
Men wanted for hazardous journey. Small wages. Bitter cold. Long months of
complete darkness. Constant danger. Safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in
case of success.
Whether inspired by a spirit of adventure or driven by desperation, over a hundred men applied.
The criterion Shackleton used to narrow down the numbers was not technical talent. In fact, only
one member of the final group had any prior experience in dealing with sled dogs. Shackleton
selected the men on the basis of their optimism. To succeed, his crew had to consist of individuals
convinced they would prevail, no matter what.
Optimism is an essential ingredient for any journey of personal growth, but unbridled optimism can
lead to recklessness. It is important, therefore, to have realistic expectations about the process of
change. How much time and energy you will need to expend to put shyness behind you depends
on how far you want to go, where you begin, and how much of a problem shyness has been for
you. As we mentioned earlier, millions of people report difficulties with social situations. Within
these millions, there are vast differences. This matrix provides a view of some of the different facets
of shyness. Let's begin by considering the two dimensions of shyness.
Two dimensions
There are two dimensions to consider in sizing up your shyness. Each of these dimensions can be
considered in terms of a question.
1. In how many situations do I find myself having difficulty?
2. How much distress do I experience in these situations?
The first dimension deals with the number of situations that you find difficult. Some people have
difficulty with just a few social settings. Other are troubled by a multitude of situations.
The second dimension focuses on the intensity of stress and emotional discomfort you experience
when your shyness is acting up. Different situations evoke different levels of discomfort. Think of
intensity of discomfort as ranging along a ten-point continuum. A 9 or 10 on this scale would
indicate a high level of distress. A 3 or 4 would indicate only mild distress.
Situational shyness
You are situationally shy if you have difficulty in just a handful of social events. Charles, for
instance, has a problem with family reunions. In other social situations at work or among his own
friends, he has no difficulty at all. Charles' shyness is situational.
Charles' situational shyness could be either mild or severe depending on the intensity of the stress
he experiences in the situation.
Certain life events are common causes of situational shyness. For instance, don't be surprised if
your outgoing nature changes to feelings of uneasiness and self-consciousness following any of
these live events: relocation to a new community; divorce or separation; promotion at work.
Chronic shyness
Charles and his sister, Stephanie, are very different. For Stephanie, a family gathering is the only
place where she feels comfortable.
She finds almost every other social experience to be at least a minor challenge.
Stephanie's experience of shyness would place her in the chronic side of the matrix. Whether her
shyness should be called mild or severe depends again on the intensity of distress and emotional
and behavioral impairment she experiences.
may occur.
2. Experience immediate anxiety driven, physical reactions to feared social situations.
3. Realize that his or her fears are greatly exaggerated, but feel powerless to do anything
about them.
4. Often avoid the dreaded social situation -- at any cost.
You can check out more of what Dr. Markway has to say about social anxiety disorder by referring
to pages 14 and 15 in the first chapter of her book.
If you feel you meet these criteria, you may want to seek out a trained mental health practitioner
who can review your circumstances. Only a trained mental health professional can tell you whether
or not the extent of your difficulties with shyness merits this diagnosis.
Although the principles presented in the following lessons apply to all types of anxiety, people with
social anxiety disorder may choose to seek out a trained professional to provide ongoing guidance
and support and in some instances prescribed medications. Not everybody needs counseling or
medications.
We will discuss the value of professional counseling and medication in the final lesson. But for now
lets emphasize that an arsenal of new tools are now available that can significantly accelerate your
success in mastering social anxiety. Counseling and medication are powerful interventions that can
put a permanent end to the pain and loneliness of shyness. You may not need counseling or
medication, but we hope you will be open to the possibility of accessing these tools if they seem
appropriate to your unique circumstances.
The interaction of the scales of frequency and discomfort will give you a ballpark idea of what you
are up against in bringing around personal change. How steep the learning curve will be for you will
depend on a number of factors including the amount of anxiety you are experiencing, the number of
situations that you find difficult, and the length of time that social anxiety has been a concern to
you.
For instance, if you feel that you are mildly shy in a handful of situations, you can count on relatively
quickly gaining some significant improvements by focusing on these few situations.
If, on the other hand, you have had a long career of severe shyness in a host of situations, your
journey will be longer. But don't be dismayed. We would like you to meet someone whose character
will inspire you. We all need role models.
Committing to change
Always remember that people and lives change. Life and everything about life is a work in
progress. Planet Earth, the stars, the universe -- what we all share in common is our
impermanence. Nothing is fixed. Everything is moving, going somewhere, changing.
Most importantly, you change. Yesterday, there were certain things you couldn't do. Today is about
making new choices. Five weeks, five months, five years -- who cares how long it takes? What's
important is you have started. You are on your way to creating a whole new way of being in your
world.
side responds "Not yet." Later the group discusses which response is preferred. "Not yet" wins out
every time. There is a ring of finality to "no." But "not yet" holds promise.
Lets try this right now.
Pick any one of the social things you currently find difficult: attending a happy hour after work;
carrying on light conversation with someone on an elevator; going through a job interview; asking
someone out. Pick any one thing you find difficult.
Here's our question: "Can you comfortably ______?" (Fill in the blank with the one social item you
find the most difficult.)
Now respond. But don't say "No." Rather, respond with "Not yet."
Instructor: Can you comfortably attend a happy hour after work?
You: Not yet.
Instructor: Can you comfortably carry on light conversation with someone on an
elevator?
You: Not yet.
"Not yet" has the sweetness of momentum. It says you may not be there, but you are definitely on
your way.
A pivotal scene in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone is when the friendly giant, Hagrid, says to
Harry, "You're a wizard Harry." Abused and neglected his whole life, Harry responds, "I'm a what?"
He hasn't a clue that he possesses special qualities. He has no notion of his true potential. Like
Harry, you may reject any suggestion that there is anything remarkable about you. But do you really
know? Who's to say what latent capabilities within you have been held back by inhibition, selfdoubt, and fear. As in Harry, there's more magic in you than you may have ever imagined.
Begin your journey now by replacing "no" with "not yet" whenever you think of how social anxiety
has limited you.
Moving forward
This lesson acquainted you with some beginning exercises for overcoming your social fears.
Youve learned about the different kinds and intensities of these phobias, and how to work toward a
more social self by saying not yet instead of no.
Lesson 2 will help you understand your fears and provide suggestions for getting past them. We will
address the quest for self-improvement and discover the three key factors that result in positive
changes.
Before moving on to that lesson, be sure to complete the assignment and take the quiz for this
lesson, then head over to the Message Board to introduce yourself and meet your instructor and
fellow classmates.
Assignment #1
Practice asking yourself if you're ready to embrace certain social situations that make you
uncomfortable. If you're not ready, say "not yet." Visualize yourself accomplishing your goals and
remind yourself that you will eventually get to that point. Stay positive -- this is a journey that takes
time.
Quiz #1
Question 1:
Social anxiety is the third largest psychological problem in the United States.
A)
True
B)
False
Question 2:
Everyone with a social phobia needs counseling and medications.
A)
True
B)
False
Question 3:
It is normal to feel shy and unsure of yourself following a life-changing event.
A)
True
B)
False
Question 4:
People with severe social anxiety are misdiagnosed almost 90 percent of the time as "schizophrenic," "manicdepressive," "clinically depressed," "panic disordered," and "personality disordered," among other damaging
misdiagnoses.
A)
True
B)
False
Question 5:
Chronic shyness is the same as situational shyness.
A)
True
B)
False
Consider what might happen if Bob instead faced the happy hour with more
optimism for his success and less concern over the consequences of not
succeeding. "I may not do so badly. They won't notice I'm nervous. Even if I do
mess up a bit, it won't be so bad. It is safe." His feelings and his performance
would be very much different than they are now. Of course, Bob can't change
what he believes overnight. Neither can you. But you can change over time.
The goal is to turn down, turn off, or redirect the natural impulse for selfpreservation, to put it in perspective for the social situations in which you find
yourself. We will show you exactly how to do this. First, let's take a closer look
at stress -- our instinctive drive to stay alive.
Truth #1: things are the way they are because they got that way.
Truth #1 reminds us that the good and the bad things affecting the quality of
our lives don't just happen. They are the predictable results of cause-and-effect
events.
Charlotte blames the extra weight she has gained and her bouts with
depression on bad luck. Here's a snapshot of what's been happening in her
life.
Charlotte feels so awkward at her neighbor's Christmas party that
she leaves early. She walks through the front door of her home
and immediately feels hungry. She snacks on a piece of cold
pizza. She eats too big a dinner. She sits down to watch a TV
program. She feels bored and lonely. She walks into the kitchen,
opens the pantry, and eats three of the kids' cookies. She feels
guilty. Then she eats five more cookies. She goes to bed
depressed and angry at herself and her neighbor.
Charlotte is not the victim of bad luck or fate. What's happening in her life is the
work of the immutable forces of cause and effect. Charlotte is reaping what she
sows -- in this case, a weight problem due to using food to comfort her in times
of anxiety. If she believes the weight just fell on her with no participation on her
part, she will not be able to take responsibility for her self-destructive actions
and reverse the process. The same is true for you. Where you are, what you
have, and who you are are not accidents. Life events and life choices brought
you to this point in your life. This is good news. You can influence the events in
your life. You can determine where you go from here. It's up to you. You are in
charge of your own life.
Truth #3: some things we can change, but we think we can't; some things
we can't change, but we think we can.
Truth #3 reminds us to choose our battles wisely. Conserve your energy. Don't
waste your efforts on things beyond your control. On the other hand, be
persistent in changing those things that are within your control. Take the time to
really define what is and is not within your reach. Look again at the snapshot of
Charlotte's life and the points along that chain of events where she could do
something differently. Changing even one thing -- for instance, she could take a
walk rather than watch TV -- could yield a completely different outcome for
Charlotte. She can't control her appetite, but she could satisfy it with less
fattening snacks until she has, in other ways, curbed her need to comfort
herself by snacking.
Understanding these three truths will help you on your journey of change.
However, you should also be aware of four commonly held misconceptions,
which will be discussed next.
Motivation
Motivation answers the simple question, "Why change?" Having a clear and
compelling reason to change will energize your efforts. Change is difficult. It's
scary and it takes work. You must be convinced that what you gain exceeds the
price you will have to pay. Motivation can be distilled into pushes and pulls.
Pushes are the things that change will rid from our lives. Pulls are the things
that we want to bring into our lives.
For instance, Bob, whom we met earlier, might have the following pushes and
pulls:
Pushes: "Mostly, I want to not feel uptight. I also want to stop the
irritability and unpleasantness that I create with my family when I
am nervously anticipating a social event."
Pulls: "I want the freedom to go or not go without having my
decision made for me by my emotions. I want to attend more
social events."
Now you try it. In one column, list the negative things that will persist if you
don't change. These are your pushes. Then list the positive things that will be
yours when you improve. These are your pulls.
Precision
Precision answers the question, "Change what?" Following is a list of some of
the more common social situations people encounter. Go through the list and
make note of all that apply. Then return to the list and see if you can pull out
the top five situations that apply to you most often.
Practice
The third key is practice. Practice answers the question, "How do I do it?"
Nothing happens without practice. Successful practice requires a special,
dedicated mindset. Let's call it the Explorer Mindset. The best explorers make
their discoveries with open, non-judgmental minds. When they report on their
findings, they describe rather than evaluate. That's the approach that will work
best for you as you try new behaviors in new situations.
simplicity of this model that makes it work. One of the biggest problems for
socially challenged individuals is being overwhelmed by choices, perceived or
real. They flounder, not knowing what to do, and choose an action hastily just
to have chosen and gotten it behind them. Social success is not that
complicated. The key is to focus on the essentials -- the core elements.
American engineers in WWII tried to solve the problem of too few bombers
returning safely to base. They wanted to add more protective sheet metal to the
planes but couldn't decide where best to put it. They decided to examine the
pattern of hits on the planes that did make it back, and decided to add metal to
the bottom of the cockpit. As long as bombers remained intact in this area, they
could continue to fly, even if they took hits in many other areas. An intact
cockpit was the critical success factor. The same can be said about your
success as a social person. Do just a handful of things right, and you will shine
socially. The added confidence will bolster your successes in the future.
The Social Success Cycle represents the handful of steps critical to success in
social situations. Let's look at the model now.
1. Show up
Before social interaction can occur, you must arrive at a place where other
people are gathered. Unless you present yourself to other people, nothing else
will happen. Start slow and easy, with people you know well, adding one
element that was absent before.
2. Start something
Once you are at the social activity, the next critical stage is making initial
contact with some individual or individuals at the event. Unless this happens,
you are not really interacting.
3. Stay awhile
To really reap the benefits of social contact, you must stay in a given exchange
for some period of time. This requires maintaining dialogue with another person
or persons. Find a topic you are very comfortable talking about and start there.
4. Disengage
Unless you want to spend all your time with one individual or group, you will
need to develop the skills of moving from one contact to another. Don't worry
about seeming rude; just put yourself in the other person's shoes and imagine
Moving forward
This lesson helped you understand your fears and provided suggestions for
getting past them. We addressed how to take the first steps toward selfimprovement, discovered the three key factors that result in positive changes,
and evaluated the Social Success Cycle.
In Lesson 3 we will examine the barriers that can keep you from moving
through the Social Success Cycle.
Before moving on to that lesson, be sure to complete the assignment and take
the quiz for this lesson, then head over to the Message Board to discuss what
you have learned with your fellow classmates.
Assignment #2
If you haven't been doing it all along, go back and make the lists that were suggested in the lesson.
Think honestly about which specific situations make you anxious, and what exactly you fear will be the
repercussions of your participation. You don't have to share these answers with anyone else, so you
can be totally honest. If you can't admit your own feelings to yourself, you can't address them later.
Write up a scenario -- a past real-life one or a made-up one -- with you as the star. Write it to reflect your
current fears. Then apply some of the changes we have suggested and write it as you would wish it
would go.
Quiz #2
Question 1:
Which of the following is not a fatal fear?
A)
Fear of failure
B)
Fear of success
C)
Fear of rejection
D)
Fear of discomfort
Question 2:
This is the belief that you have been singled out for a difficult life.
A)
B)
Myth of permanence
C)
Myth of no sweat
D)
Myth of uniqueness
Question 3:
Stress is the ability and energy each of us have to deal with a threat or challenge.
A)
True
B)
False
Question 4:
Pulls are the things that change will rid from our lives. Pushes are the things that we want to bring into our lives.
A)
True
B)
False
Question 5:
One of the biggest problems for socially challenged individuals is being overwhelmed by choices, perceived or
real.
A)
True
B)
False
Step 1: show up
The first step to becoming less socially challenged is being where other people
are. Nothing happens until you show up. You can wish you were more sociable.
You can dream about all the good things that will be yours when you improve
your skills for dealing with people. You can pump yourself up with all kinds of
motivational ideas and ideals. Nothing will change until you are in the presence
of other people. What you are up against is a self-perpetuating cycle of
avoidance. Each time you avoid, you strengthen the habit of avoidance. This
first step in the Social Success Cycle has only one purpose: getting you there.
We will deal with what happens after you get there later.
It's seven o'clock. The social will start in about 20 minutes. Sarah
is in her room on the fifth floor. The social is on the third floor. It's
so close, she can faintly hear the party banter through the poorly
insulated walls. She could walk down the two flights without
getting winded. It's so close, and yet it might as well be 500 miles
away -- because she can't bring herself to go. She reaches for
the phone, hoping to get the answering machine, and calls the
host. "Bob, I wanted to let you know I am going to be taking a rain
check on the get-together tonight. Thanks for the invitation. I'll
catch you in the morning."
Fear, not distance, lies between Sarah and this opportunity to be with others.
"It's not safe." The three fatal fears are working on keeping Sarah in her room.
"I'm really too tired. What would I wear? I won't know anyone there. I really
have some work to do and I've got that early flight in the morning." There are
ways to break out of the self-consciousness, nervousness, and fearfulness that
cause avoidance or makes you freeze up in social situations. We want to arm
you with some powerful tools to make this break.
Pace yourself
Set limits on what you are willing to do. For instance, determine ahead of time
how long you intend to stay. I will stay no less than 45 minutes at this event.
Quantify the number of people you wish to meet. I will meet no less than five
people. Set reasonable targets at first, and raise them gradually as your
competence and confidence grows.
Here's a way of guaranteeing you'll know at least one person at a social event:
take someone with you. Bringing a friend provides you with an island of
familiarity you can swim back to when it feels like you're in over your head.
Everything in this section has been geared to one main thing: getting you there.
Showing up is stopping the destructive pattern of avoidance. Once you show
up, you open up a whole world of possibility. We will explore this world now as
we go on to talk about the second step: start something.
Breaking
The first thing you need to do to gain entrance to a small group that is already
engaged in conversation is get yourself noticed. Breaking involves standing on
the periphery of your target group's vision, and simply acting as though you
already belong. This means emulating the members' behavior. If someone is
telling a joke, you are as amused as anyone else. Nod your head and show
interest as if you've been with the group all night. Contribute when you can and
become incorporated as a participant, rather than an observer.
Entering
Entering a new group is like crossing a busy street. Wait for a gap in the traffic.
When you sense a lull or, more typically, when the group's body language
opens up a little to invite you in, say, "Hi, may I join you?" Now you are in and
you can introduce yourself and take it from there. Be alert in using this
technique -- do not interrupt anyone whose body language or tone of
conversation is a "Do Not Disturb" sign.
Setting
YOU: "Is that music really loud or is it just me?"
OTHER: "It sure is. Should we ask them to turn it down a little?"
Yourself
YOU: "I'm Bill Matthews, with the Nebraska office."
OTHER: "Hi Bill, I'm Gretchen. I work in the Santa Fe office."
The other
YOU: "I love that tee shirt. Have you been to Hawaii, or is that a
gift?"
OTHER: "Well, both. I went to Hawaii two years ago, but my
brother brought this back from his trip there this summer."
Purpose
YOU: "Our daughter is receiving one of the special certificates
this evening. We're so proud of her."
OTHER: "I bet you are. How old is she?"
As mentioned before, prepare your opening question or declaration. Have in
mind before you arrive what your theme will be and how you are going to open
a conversation.
People are always more comfortable talking about themselves than any other
thing, so this is a safe theme to go with. If you are feeling shy or unwilling to put
yourself forward, start by asking the others questions about themselves. Who
do they know here? What do they do? When they return the questions, you
already know the answers about yourself.
YOU: "If they don't serve us soon, you're going to have to help
me drag in one of those vending machines from the lobby. I can't
do it alone."
OTHER: "Ha, ha. I'm not too strong but I can give you moral
support."
Don't worry if you are not a spectacular wit -- you are not auditioning for a
stand-up comedian's job. The point is to make some small talk and show that
you are feeling light-hearted and positive.
Questions
These come in two shapes: closed-ended and open-ended. Closed-ended
questions are the kind you can answer with a simple one- or two-word
response. Closed-ended questions resemble true/false or multiple choice
questions. Closed-ended questions begin with: Are you? When? Do? Where?
Understanding
It's important to convey to the person speaking to you that you hear and
understand what he or she is saying. But beyond this, you want the other
person to feel that you are sincerely enjoying what he or she is saying. You
become attractive to the others to the extent you make other people feel they
are attractive to you. This skill requires three things:
1. Maintain eye contact
2. Move your head and keep expression in your face
3. Say things like, "Really?" "I see." "No kidding."
Paraphrase is another way of expressing understanding. This involves putting
what a person has just stated into slightly different words. Good paraphrase
beginnings are: "In other words . . ."; "So, what you're saying is . . ."; "I see, so .
. ." and "You mean . . . ."
Initiating
Initiating is the skill of volunteering information. There are two types of
initiating:
You can initiate facts:
"I'm a carpenter with N.P.C."
"We're buying a new Toyota that looks just like that one."
"Well, my mother and father are here for the summer."
Or you can initiate opinions and feelings.
"I prefer living downtown to living in the suburbs."
"I've never regretted dropping out of school."
"I really enjoy white wine with dinner."
Compliments
Respond
Respond with more than a few words to questions people direct to you. This is
the skill of elaboration and it is one of the most important of the conversation
skills. It is difficult for a conversational partner to have to draw you out.
(Imagine if you had to do it.) It's like having to carry on both sides of the
conversation -- and you thought only one side was bad!
Note the difference in the two examples given below:
No elaboration
THEM: "Do you like jogging?"
YOU: "Yeah."
Your conversational partner will feel awkward, and perhaps be worried that he
or she has inadvertently touched upon a topic that you are uncomfortable with.
With elaboration
THEM: "Do you like jogging?"
YOU: "Yeah, I do, but I didn't at first. When I first started it was
really hard."
You don't have to give an interview, but let the other person know (just as you
would wish to be informed) that the topic interests you and they have not
committed an accidental offense.
Eyes
Nervous eyes are eyes that don't look at the other person when he or she is
speaking. Keep your eyes on the speaker's eyes. If you are self-conscious
looking into another person's eyes, look at their eyebrow or the bridge of their
nose. Switch between left and right eyebrows just as you would switch while
looking directly into their eyes. It appears all the same to the other person. The
important thing is the perception of your attention. Nervous eyes are also
wandering eyes. Don't allow yourself to be distracted by people walking behind
or around the speaker. Making a good impression means showing the person
you are truly interested in them and what they are saying.
Speech
Nervous speech is speech that comes out too rapidly. Take a slow silent breath
before speaking and modulate your flow of words. Nervous speech is also
punctuated with excessive "Um's" and other extraneous fillers. Enlist your
spouse or a close friend to give you feedback on the frequency of these
distracting fillers.
Ears
Most people have a lot of trouble with forgetting names. The problem is that
most people don't enter names into their memories. Wait for the name. As you
approach an introduction, telling yourself, "Get the name. Get the name." When
you hear the name, repeat it internally. Try to also repeat it out loud in the
conversation.
THEM: "Glad to meet you. I'm Robert Collins."
Hands
Nervous hands are hands stuck deep in your pockets, jingling change or car
keys. Hiding your hands can make you appear untrustworthy and may make
others uncomfortable. Also, nervous hands fidget with pencils or other items
while speaking. Keep your hands still.
Legs
Nervous legs are constantly shifting weight from one leg to another or swaying
the body. Stand up straight. Stand in one spot. Stand comfortably and be
conscious of frequent changes in your posture. In theater, this is called holding
your ground. You may be nervous, but this is your spot of floor and no one can
take it from you.
Carry identification
You can bet that at some point early in a conversation you will be asked, "So,
what line of work are you in, Jeff?" You know it is coming and yet your answer
may be choppy and rambling if you are not prepared. Prepare your response in
advance with an answer as brief as the messages you find on billboards.
Here's an example.
OTHER: "So, what line of work are you in, Jeff?"
YOU: "Sales. You've seen books with spiral binding. My company
makes the binding, and I sell it. Last year our company made a
hundred million of these."
If your job is unusual or complex, rehearse a simple way to explain it, rather
than improvising analogies when your complicated official title does not do the
trick.
Be agreeable
We may have made tremendous strides in the fields of medicine,
telecommunications, and warfare, but we are still very old-fashioned when it
comes to human relations. The traditional values of politeness, common
courtesy, respect, and deference to each other are still in demand. Since both
you and the person you are meeting are seeking points of commonality, the last
thing you want is anything that might highlight differences. Be agreeable.
Confirm the other's observations on matters that you agree with.
OTHER: "This steak tastes like rubber."
YOU: "Yours too? I thought mine was the only one overcooked."
When you cannot agree with everything that is said, agree with some part of it.
Don't surrender your opinions and thoughts to the other's opinions, but don't be
immediately contrary while you are still getting comfortable on your patch of
ground.
OTHER: "Don't you agree we should stop bombing foreign
nations?"
YOU: "Sometimes it seems to be the only solution, but I know I'm
getting nervous with the way things are developing in our foreign
policy."
Take turns
Thanks to our parents, we've grown up with pretty clear notions of sharing in
most things. This spirit of equity extends to the issue of sharing airtime in
conversations. Especially in the opening moments of meeting someone, you
may feel compelled to fill gaps and pauses. This can lead to you dominating the
conversation. Taking turns means being conscious of the others' participation
and allowing equal time. It also means apologizing and yielding the floor when
a mishap occurs.
YOU: "I'm sorry. I cut you off there."
OTHER: "No, you go ahead."
YOU: "Please. Go ahead and finish your thought."
This section was designed to help build up your conversational competence
and confidence. The key is to come prepared. No one but you will know or
even suspect you have an agenda. Your plan will launch you into the event and
give you the momentum to be spontaneous until you are ready for the
conversation to come to a close. Which brings us to the last skill in the Social
Success Cycle: Disengage.
Step 4: disengage
Perhaps the most misunderstood conversational skills is the art of bringing a
conversation to a suitable close. Whenever you don't want to spend an
extensive period of time with just one person, or when there are others you
want to contact, gracious disengagement is a must. Generally, the main issue
in ending a conversation is a concern over hurting the other person's feelings or
embarrassing yourself by not doing it just right. You can minimize both of these
concerns with the following tips.
Soft landing
The most conventional conversation closer is the straightforward, "Well, it's
been nice speaking with you." You can take this one step further by working in
either a compliment or reference to something that came up in the
conversation.
Example 1:
THEM: " . . . So that's how we finally landed in Texas."
YOU: "I really admire you for pulling up stakes like that. It takes
courage to do that. It's been a real pleasure talking to you."
Example 2:
THEM: " . . . So it is in the sauce."
YOU: "Well, I am definitely going to try that recipe. It sounds
terrific. If you'll excuse me . . . "
Going yonder
Another technique is the departure to another destination. This can be the
buffet line, the restroom, or just making a telephone call. In effect, what you
convey to the other is how much pleasure the conversation has been, but now
you need to attend to something. This technique is often used in tangent with
the Soft Landing.
YOU: "Bob, it has been great catching up with you. If you don't
mind, I am going to slip away for just a minute to make a phone
call/try out the buffet/whatever appropriate."
The hand-off
In ending a conversation you may not want to leave someone standing alone.
The hand-off is a technique for stepping out of a conversation by having a
successor to take your place. The way this works is to bring another person
into your current conversation, help them get comfortable, and then excuse
yourself. Do try not to make it look like you are hauling someone over to save
you. Just invite someone into the group in as natural a fashion as possible.
YOU: (as Bob walks by) "Bob, come here and meet someone."
BOB: "Hello. How are you two doing?"
YOU: "Fine. Bob, this is Greg. He just moved here from your
home state of Florida. He's interested in buying some property in
this area. I thought you might have some suggestions. I think you
two have a lot in common, so I'll excuse myself (to the phone, the
buffet, or whatever, for a nice touch)."
Great escapes
Sometimes you may find yourself cornered by an overly talkative person. You
want to disengage but can't find any opening that would allow you to pull off an
exit. Here are three steps for getting out of this uncomfortable situation.
1. Block the flow. Touch the other person gently on the arm, or speak his
or her name. You may even have to say their name a couple of times.
2. Apologize for interrupting.
3. Excuse yourself and leave.
THEM: (Speaking on and on about his hernia surgery.)
YOU: "Larry. Larry. (touching his arm) I am so sorry to cut you
off, but I have just got to call the babysitter. Please excuse me."
Disengaging is the final step in the Social Success Cycle. It is also the bridge to
the beginning of a brand new cycle. You move from disengaging to showing up
(eventually you will simply show up to a new group within the same event) and
the cycle begins all over again.
Sarah's evening
Let's return to Sarah, whom we met at the beginning of this lesson. She chose
not to attend the social event. Now what? Does she breathe a sigh of relief? Is
she content with her decision to avoid the tension of yet another social event?
Maybe. But how long does that last before she is hit by a new and different
wave of concern? "What are they going to think about me for not coming? How
will this affect my relationship with the superintendent? Why can't I be more
outgoing?"
Using avoidance as a solution to social insecurity is a fallacy, since it is no
solution at all. It trades one form of emotional discomfort for another. There is
no bargain in swapping the anxiety of being in public with the worry of not being
in public. There is a better way, and it is found in the Social Success Cycle.
None of these techniques for helping you interact with other people can
guarantee that everything will work out all right. There is nothing under the sun
that is absolutely certain. You must accept that fact. Nevertheless, there is
more certainty than you may think at every social event. Although events are
spontaneous, there is an overriding protocol that defines the limits of what is
likely to occur. The methods suggested here work differently for different
people. Try each on for size. Does the method feel right for you? Does it bring
you relief? Does it seem to be consistent with things that have brought you
success in the past? Once you have settled on a method, or a combination of
several, use it regularly for a while. There is a tendency to abandon new
behaviors prematurely. Change takes time. Be patient with yourself.
Moving forward
This lesson gave you pointers for gaining the courage needed to attend social
functions, and guided you through potentially awkward situations during these
functions. You learned how to initiate and maintain interesting conversations
and politely excuse yourself from groups.
In Lesson 4 we will build your self-confidence and social skills, and give you
tips for dealing with your anxiety.
Before moving on to that lesson, be sure to complete the assignment and take
the quiz for this lesson, then head over to the Message Board to discuss what
you have learned with your fellow classmates.
Assignment #3
Do the same visualization exercise from Lesson 2, but add some of the concepts mentioned in this
lesson. Go to a public place, such as the grocery store, and see if you can practice your new skills on
the strangers you are thrown together with there. Nothing major -- just chit-chatting with someone in
line will allow you to practice and see what feels the most natural. There is no concern about failure,
since you will never see these people again.
Quiz #3
Question 1:
Set limits on how much you are willing to do in a public situation, then raise them gradually as your confidence
grows.
A)
True
B)
False
Question 2:
If you are feeling shy or unwilling to put yourself forward, talking about yourself will force you to quickly get over
your fear.
A)
True
B)
False
Question 3:
Humor is a great way to break the ice in a conversation.
A)
True
B)
False
Question 4:
Which of the following is not an open-ended question?
A)
B)
What is it like?
C)
D)
Question 5:
Which is the most conventional conversation closer?
A)
Soft landing
B)
Going yonder
C)
The hand-off
D)
Socially Challenged
Socially Outgoing
Invited to a
cocktail party.
(Show up)
At retirement
Spends entire
party button-holed evening feeling
by a long-winded trapped.
talker.
(Disengage)
Carries on an
animated
conversation with
another person,
sharing information,
asking questions.
Brings conversation
to a natural close and
moves on to
someone else.
Show up
Let's look at the first scene, the invitation to the party situation. One person
says "Yes," the other says "No." Is that a significant difference? You bet it is.
Not showing up is the single biggest barrier to connecting with others. Nothing
else can happen if you aren't with others. The socially challenged person
routinely says "No," and the socially outgoing person consistently says "Yes."
Showing up goes beyond just accepting a social invitation. Showing up means
giving eye contact to someone across the room, volunteering for duties as a
committee member, and finding a hundred additional ways to make yourself
available to others.
Start something
The airplane situation provides another contrasting set of responses. You're on
a plane after a long, hard day. You can't wait to get home. The last thing you
want to do is chat with someone for the next three hours. But you see in the
human being next to you a living, breathing opportunity to gain fresh
perspectives on life and to share some of your life view. So you lean over and
start something. By doing this you distinguish yourself from the socially
challenged person, who decides to pass the time alone. It may seem like a
trivial thing. But without this proactive gesture of contacting another, social
exchange goes nowhere.
Stay awhile
In the intermission situation, one person seems to have no trouble at all, while
the other person has lost his audience. Small talk, chit-chat, shooting the
breeze -- whatever you choose to call it -- few things win friends and influence
people like a gift for gab. The ability to carry on a conversation clearly
distinguishes one person from the other.
Disengage
In the retirement party situation, we find the socially challenged person up to
her neck in what can be called "conversational entrapment." Lacking the
finesse to extricate herself, she spends the entire evening with the first talkative
person she meets, missing the opportunity to interact with a whole range of
others. Not so for the socially outgoing person. She wraps up one conversation
and moves on to another and another, giving herself ample exposure to the
widest range of people.
We hope you see in the contrast between these two individuals how
straightforward the differences are. There are no complex dynamics to analyze,
no mystery to unravel. It's all very clear and behavioral. The more functional
social performance of one person doesn't make him or her a better or smarter
human being. But it can provide a number of distinct advantages in acquiring
the good things in life.
This comparison highlights the behavioral differences between two people in
the same social situation. Behavior is public and this matrix shows the public
dimension. But there is also a private side to interpersonal effectiveness. The
private side has to do with how you think and feel when interacting with others.
In this section we will give you some ideas for building up your inner
confidence.
Get an attitude
BUZZ: "Why would Andy want me?"
WOODY: "Why would Andy want you? Look at you. You're Buzz
Light Year! Any other toy would give up its moving parts just to be
you. You've got wings. You glow in the dark. You talk. Your
helmet does that, that . . . whoosh thing. You are a cool toy!"
What is confidence?
Confidence is a concept with a lot of aliases: self-image, self-esteem,
assertiveness, and personal presence. Essentially, confidence is the belief you
have about your adequacy in facing a situation. Think of five people you know
really well. Rank them in terms of the confidence they each have. Put the most
confident at the top of the list and the less confident lower in the list. People
near the top of your list have certain behaviors that cause you to view them as
confident. They can start a conversation with anyone. They willingly take on
challenging projects. They carry themselves with an air of self-assurance.
These are all public things. Now, put yourself into the ranking. How confident
do you feel you are compared to the people on your list? Would your friends
rate you the same as you rated yourself? Publicly you may exhibit confident
behavior, but inside the private world of your thoughts and feelings you may not
be as self-assured.
Day 5: Be Tolerant
Start this day with a loosely fitting rubber band around your wrist. As you go
through the day, stop yourself whenever you are thinking negative thoughts
about other people. For instance, another driver does something annoying.
Replace, "Hey stupid, where'd you learn to drive?" with, "I bet I was in his blind
spot. No problem, he sees me now."
Catch yourself thinking negative thoughts about yourself as well. Each time you
notice a negative or pessimistic thought, snap the rubber band on your wrist
and replace the thought. Replace "I'm so impulsive" with "I have a lot of
spontaneity." Replace "I'm stupid for not seeing that" with "Next time I will
watch more closely." People lacking in self-confidence generally have a
tendency to be overly critical of themselves. This judgmental tendency extends
to being overly harsh in assessing others. With practice, this pattern can be
turned around -- but the process begins with awareness. Pay attention to the
earliest presence of a negative thought, either about yourself or others, and
stamp it out immediately.
them good health or serenity. For your children, you might wish them the ability
to live in the moment. Having done this, think of what intangibles these people
would wish for you. What would your folks wish for you? What about your
spouse or your children? Whatever it is, just for today, give yourself some of
that gift. If your folks wish for you to slow down and take things a little more
easily, how could you grant this wish to yourself? This technique allows you to
treat yourself as you would a dear friend. When you see yourself acting kindly
toward yourself, you can't help but think you are really worth it after all.
HP 2510p notebook PC
Feelings follow behavior. If you want to feel sure of yourself, act sure of
yourself. When you enter a social situation, visualize confident behavior.
Confidence is in your voice, your eye contact, and your behavior. You don't
have to feel confident to come across confident -- by acting strong, you will feel
strong. We are not suggesting you do anything totally out of character. But
since emotions often lag behind behavior, you may need to fake self-assurance
until you really feel it.
Current Network
New Network
Same
Behaviors
New
Behaviors
Status quo
Where do you currently spend the bulk of your social time? This is your comfort
zone. If you do nothing at all, you probably will be relating five years from now
in the same way with these same people. There's nothing wrong with this
unless you consider it a problem. As we have said all along, there is a lot to be
gained by branching out into new relationships and behaviors.
New territory
In this strategy you are moving out of the realm of the familiar into new social
circles. Basically, you are using your same style of relating, but you are
exposing yourself to new opportunities. New territory might mean joining a new
association or a support group on a subject of interest to you.
New behaviors
In this strategy, you risk new behaviors in your current social circles. For
instance, you have always kept a low profile at meetings of the neighborhood
association. You attend regularly, but let others take the leadership on different
projects. Now you are volunteering to edit the next newsletter or to serve as
chairman of the dues committee.
Smile
A person who smiles is more attractive than someone who is expressionless.
Act relaxed
Someone who appears relaxed and natural is more appealing than someone
who comes across as uptight or too formal.
Be positive
People with an optimistic outlook on life are more comfortable to spend time
with. People will find you attractive based not just on how you look, but who you
are and how you conduct yourself in the first few moments of contact.
But remember, it is the inside you that determines the ultimate impression you
make. While people may draw a preliminary opinion of you even before you
speak, it is the impression they gain through interaction that is more enduring.
Making a good first impression puts everyone at ease, so that the inside you
has a better chance of making an appearance.
Now that we have looked at ways you can capitalize on your new social
confidence and competence, we are ready to move to our next lesson, where I
will give you some ideas on maintaining what you have achieved and
continuing to grow.
Moving forward
This lesson showed you how to wow a crowd with your dazzling personality.
You've learned how to increase your self-confidence and social skills and
received guidelines for making yourself more appealing to others.
In Lesson 5 we will go over the steps needed to ensure that these changes are
permanent.
Before moving on to that lesson, be sure to complete the assignment and take
the quiz for this lesson, then head over to the Message Board to discuss what
you have learned with your fellow classmates.
Assignment #4
Identify and list the things you focus on when you are socially anxious. Do you focus on
appearance, physical sensations (blushing, sweating, etc.), body language or the type of
impression you're making? Once you learn to recognize that you are fixating on certain responses,
you may be able to move past them.
Quiz #4
Question 1:
Confidence is the belief you have about your adequacy in facing a situation.
A)
True
B)
False
Question 2:
This breathing style is characterized by breathing from the diaphragm and has the benefit of relaxing your whole
system.
A)
Upper-chest breathing
B)
Body breathing
C)
Belly breathing
D)
Nose breathing
Question 3:
According to the US Department of Labor, only 20% of all jobs get filled informally: through friends,
acquaintances, and behind-the-scenes favors.
A)
True
B)
False
Your ultimate goal has been reached. Your social apprehension no longer
presents a problem for you. Only occasionally do you even think about that
phase of your life when social things were a source of concern. You have won
the contest over your fears and impulses to become the socially confident and
competent person you have always wanted to be.
Cynthia, like so many people intent on self-improvement, sees her progress in
black-and-white terms. Her turmoil would be less intense if she congratulated
herself for even the small steps she is making. Cynthia should also understand
that a temporary return to previous patterns is perfectly natural and happens
despite the best-laid strategies to change. Of one hundred people setting out to
break some type of habit, less than five will make it to the Mastery Stage
without a setback. What this means is that it is normal to take one step back in
order to take two steps forward. Here are some additional ideas for dealing with
lapses.
1. Be reasonable. Recognize that few people achieve change the first time
around. The important thing is not to dwell on your setbacks. Accept
them as normal. Ignore your guilt, relax, and plan your next move.
2. Recognize the stages of change. When you are feeling particularly
discouraged, remind yourself that disillusionment is a normal stage in
the process of change. Keep handy the list you made back in Lesson 2
of your Pushes and Pulls. Do pleasant things for yourself when the
going is rough. Touch base with the friends and associates who know of
your efforts. They can help you see progress that is less apparent to
you.
3. Review the plans you have set for yourself. Most people underestimate
the time and energy required to achieve personal change. Remember
the Myth of No Sweat from Lesson 1.You may want to scale back some
of your efforts. It's better to achieve small consistent gains and stick with
your plan than to feel overwhelmed by a plan that is overly ambitious.
4. Watch your moods. The single most common factor in setbacks is
emotional upset. Negative emotions are energy drains. Keep a log of
daily events and feelings. Keeping a log will help you identify high-risk
situations. When you are aware that a high-risk situation is at hand, plan
better ways to deal with it.
5. Watch your thinking. The next time you find yourself discouraged, ask
yourself, "What am I telling myself, making up, or believing that is
causing my feelings? Is there more than one interpretation of the event?
What is the objective data that either supports or negates my
interpretation of the situation?"
6. Stay focused. Remember the race between the turtle and the hare?
Although he had greater speed, the hare lost because of his
inconsistency and smug attitude. The turtle was slow but sure. He won
because of his consistency and because he stuck to his plan. Have your
priorities and goals as clear as practical. The clearer you are on what
you want to accomplish and how you plan to accomplish it, the easier it
is to remain focused.
7. Involve your friends. Friends can support your efforts to change.
Involving your friends serves another purpose. Those closest to you
may have feelings of uncertainty about the new person you are
becoming. They may even unconsciously try to hold you back. Once
they have become invested in your program, your friends will have less
anxiety and be more of a resource to you.
8. Remove the word "relapse" from your vocabulary. It sounds too much
like failure. There is no failure in a setback. Change is a cycle, not a
straight line. Next time you hit a bump in the road, think of yourself as
merely re-cycling around to a previous stage. This will get you back to
your program faster and with less energy-sapping guilt.
Another hazard to your motivation is the notorious "foot-in-mouth" problem.
Everyone has a story to tell of embarrassing themselves in public. At this very
moment, someone, somewhere is asking a woman who only looks pregnant,
"When are you due?" Or saying something negative about someone standing
within earshot, or getting someone's name wrong, or mistaking someone's
sister for her mother. These unfortunate mishaps happen to all of us. And most
of us can laugh it off and recover quickly. But when you are socially challenged,
When in doubt. . .
The best policy is don't assume. At a restaurant just this week the wait staff
asked me, "So, are you the grandfather of these two lovely children?" I politely
informed her I was the father. Don't assume things. Play it safe until your
hunches are verified.
Look around
Don't say behind anyone's back what you would never say to their face. This is
a sound policy for all times and places. It will go a long way toward enhancing
your credibility. If you must say something less than flattering, be careful about
who might be standing nearby.
Gary's life is imbalanced. He is spending much more than 40 hours out of the
week's total of 168 hours on his career. When he is not at work, he is taking
time dressing for work, commuting to work, thinking about work, and
decompressing from work. He may be a star at the office, but the rest of his
existence is withering. Gary is on a gradual downhill trajectory. The very
pattern that is earning him accolades today will ironically lead to a decline in
Gary's health, peace of mind, and ultimately, his productivity.
If life were perfect you would have a job that offered enough challenge to be
interesting, enough ease to be enjoyable, enough fellowship to be nourishing,
enough money to pay the bills, and still leave you enough hours to spend on
your relationships and self-renewal. But that's not the real world. The real world
is full of compromises and consequences for the choices you make. The real
world is a place where trying to have it all can mean losing it all.
In this section we will give you a couple of tips for achieving balance in your
life.
Set priorities
Ultimately, there are just three priorities: work, relationships, and self. When
you wake up in the morning you are given a pie. This pie is equal to the amount
of energy you have for the rest of the day. You only have one pie per day.
Every Sunday, take time to reflect on how you will divide the pies for the
coming week. Each weekday morning take a few minutes to decide what slice
of your pie will go to work, which slice to relationships, and which slice to
yourself.
husbands and wives report great relief when their partners lend an ear to their
complaints, offer a sounding board, and supply advice and encouragement.
Be realistic
It is impossible to reach an ideal in both family and job. Aim for the best
balance among your various activities. Don't expect to be a perfect spouse or
parent. Lower your standards on the home front and accept some degree of
disorder around the house.
Continuing to grow
A man was found dead in the desert. Near him was a package. If
he had opened the package he would not have died. What was in
the package?
People give a wide variety of answers to this classic riddle: water, food, a map,
a compass, a cell phone. Every once in a while, someone will give the right
answer: a parachute. When you are falling through space nothing matters as
much as a parachute. The larger question is, why didn't he open it? It was
there, available to him. It seems outrageous that he didn't make use of it.
One theory is that he thought he had one of those chutes that opened
automatically. He didn't realize he had to pull the ripcord. All the way down,
perhaps right up to the last hundred feet, this poor guy fully expected things to
happen all by themselves. It cost him his life.
This man's attitude is fairly common. A lot of people are falling through life,
waiting for their parachutes to open all by themselves. David Burns, in his
book Intimate Connections, calls this the "spontaneity belief." People with this
attitude would never expect to get a job without interviewing for it, or a new
home without applying for a loan. But when it comes to success in
interpersonal relationships, they expect things to happen spontaneously.
You are not one of those people. You took this course because you recognize
that life returns to you what you invest in it. Congratulations for staying with the
course through all the lessons. We have covered a lot of ground in a relatively
short time. We hope that in the following weeks you will continue to make
progress and achieve even higher levels of social confidence and competence.
To enhance your continuing progress, we would like you to apply some of the
things you have learned in this course.
What follows is a series of typical social situations. Picture yourself in each
situation and imagine what you would do in handling each.
You are very pleased that you met all your goals for this social event. It is time
for you to leave. For the past 15 minutes you have been talking to the same
individual. You want to move on to say goodbye to the hostess before leaving.
Go slow
Change that occurs too quickly can be unsettling and may create new
problems Pace yourself as you move toward getting better at dealing with
social situations. Don't rush. Make self-management a lifelong project rather
than something you have to achieve in a week.
Monitor yourself
Begin keeping an anti-avoidance notebook. In it, record the times you choose
to avoid rather than enter into a social situation. Record also the thoughts that
you had at the time, how you felt, and what you did. In addition to tracking
avoidance, monitor the times you stretched beyond your comfort zone to
perform in a socially outgoing way. Record how it felt to have this achievement.
You may surprise yourself with how much you actually are doing.
Moving forward
This lesson went over some practices that ensure you're on the right track. The
important thing is to not get overwhelmed or discouraged -- change takes time.
In Lesson 6 we will discuss options for professional help and medication when
dealing with social anxieties.
Before moving on to that lesson, be sure to complete the assignment and take
the quiz for this lesson, then head over to the Message Board to discuss what
you have learned with your fellow classmates.
Assignment #5
Think honestly about how you feel about the issue of medication. Have you considered it?
Would you consider it? What are the pros and cons? Go to the message board and discuss.
Quiz #5
Question 1:
Which of these is not one of the four stages of change?
A)
B)
Disillusionment stage
C)
Manic stage
D)
Mastery Stage
Question 2:
The single most common factor in setbacks is emotional upset.
A)
True
B)
False
Question 3:
B)
C)
Be realistic
D)
Question 4:
Which of the following is not a wise way to continue your progress?
A)
Go slow
B)
C)
D)
Monitor yourself
Interview a prospective therapist. Many therapists do not charge for the initial visit. During the interview,
be sure to ask what experience they have had with the problem of social anxiety and methods they
employ. Ask about their fee structure, cancellation policy, insurance reimbursement, and how long they
have been in practice. Sometimes it takes a few "tries" to find a good match. It is OK to shop around
until you find the right therapist for you.
There are many types of licensed mental health professionals, differing in educational backgrounds,
training, licensure, philosophy, and technique.
Psychiatrists are medical doctors and can prescribe medication.
Psychologists usually have a Doctorate in Psychology and have completed an internship under
supervision.
Counselors usually have a Master's degree in Counseling and have completed an internship under
supervision.
Clinical Social Workers typically have a Master's degree in Social Work and have completed a
supervised internship.
Also think about whether you would feel more comfortable with a therapist of your gender or the
opposite gender.
After getting all the information and talking with several professionals, you will need to make a decision.
At this point the best advice is to trust your gut feelings. Perhaps the most important consideration is
rapport. It is important that you work with someone with whom you feel safe, can talk easily, and a
person you feel you can learn to trust.
Remember that therapy, in the hands of a skilled therapist, is a powerful and life-changing experience.
It has been shown to be effective for a variety of illnesses and problems. If you need therapy and work
as an active participant in your own treatment, you can expect it will be well worth the time and money
you invest. But counseling alone may not be sufficient. Which brings us to the subject of prescribed
medication.
Chemical imbalance
Many experts feel that extreme shyness, depression, and other disorders are the result of chemical
imbalances in the brain. Serotonin is a naturally occurring compound that helps send electrical signals
between nerve cells. In normal conditions, serotonin is sent from one nerve cell to be absorbed by
another. In those with social anxiety, depression, and other anxieties, these signals are out of balance.
One example of a medication for correcting this imbalance is a drug known as paroxetine HCl. This is a
selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) that works by stabilizing the brain.
Research results indicate that about 70 percent of social anxiety disorder patients achieve worthwhile
gains from medication therapy. While the amount of improvement with medication varies, millions of
people are able to function professionally and find fulfillment in their lives because they take prescription
medication.
anxiety every day of your life, medication may be the recommend course of action.
In Painfully Shy , Dr. Markway, suggests you consider three issues in making your decision regarding
medications.
Length of time. How long has social anxiety been a problem for you? The longer you have struggled
with overcoming your shyness, the better the case for considering medications.
Impact of shyness. How much has shyness interfered with your day-to-day activities? If shyness is a
minor annoyance, that is one thing. But if it is having significant negative impact in one or more areas
of your professional or personal life, you may want to look into the support that might be gained from
medication.
Depression. Very importantly, if the anxiety of shyness is coupled with feelings of depression, then
there is an even greater cause to consider medication.
Perhaps the best approach to settling the debate over whether or not to take medication is, as Dr.
Markway suggests, asking yourself what is the most loving, caring, reverent thing you can do for
yourself in this situation. You won't get "cured" by just relying on medication. Medication is a "tool" and
an "encouragement" while undergoing other strategies for building confidence and reducing anxiety.
Medication will allow you to practice social skills better and reduce your anxiety in daily functioning.
While medication can be helpful, real improvement occurs by learning to think and feel differently.
Don't label
Putting any kind of label on a child is rarely of any value. Avoid comments like, "Oh, he's my shy one."
After all, he may not even think of himself as shy. But say it often enough, and he'll come to believe it.
And even if your child considers herself shy, he may not think that being shy is such a big deal. Talking
about it as if it is sends the message that he has some sort of defect. Don't allow others to label your
child either. Consider saying, "It takes him a little while to get comfortable in a new situation."
Build self-esteem
Shy children may have negative self-images and feel that they will not be accepted. Reinforce shy
children for demonstrating skills and encourage their autonomy. Praise them often. Being sensitive to
the child's interests and feelings will allow you to build a relationship with the child and show that you
respect the child. This can make the child more confident and less inhibited.
Material success
Many people, when asked to rate their success in life, first turn to external measures such as net worth,
their fame, power, or status. These four things may be the most hotly pursued goals in the twentieth
century today, but according to philosopher Tom Morris, acquiring them is no reason to consider
yourself successful.
Material things can be useful as stepping stones to other things in life; but when you pursue them as
ends in themselves you are on a journey for which there is no final arrival. The craving for material
success is insatiable. It is easy to become obsessive about getting more stuff. More money. More
power. A bigger house. Another house. A more luxurious car. Or a faster car. The more you give in to it
and try to satisfy it, the more it can grow, until it is literally out of control.
True success
If seeking success in external things is temporary and hollow, what's the alternative? The answer given
by all the great philosophers is to find it within yourself. To find success within is to achieve
contentment. Contentment is emotionally accepting your present as being what it is, without being filled
with resentment, frustration, or irritation at anything you are undergoing.
Everyone fantasizes about a state of existence in which they have gotten their lives together once and
for all. This vision of some future state in which life problems evaporate and life begins to run flawlessly
is an illusion. Life will always present you with challenges and personal distress. Just when you think
you're gaining in some area, a crisis knocks you off balance. The important thing is to get back up and
start again.
Thanks for joining us in this journey of personal discovery and change. We wish you continuing success
in your pursuit of personal happiness. Keep growing and learning, and have a great life.
Assignment #6
Go to the Message Board and discuss the challenges and successes you've had as you've
taken this course. Think about whether medication or therapy might be for you. Weigh the
options and share with your classmates as you wish.
Quiz #6
Question 1:
Why should some seek counseling?
A)
B)
C)
D)
Question 2:
Research results indicate that about 70 percent of social anxiety disorder patients achieve worthwhile gains
from medication therapy.
A)
True
B)
False
Question 3:
If your child is shy, you should assume they have severe social anxiety.
A)
True
B)
False
Question 4:
To find success within is to achieve _________.
A)
Failure
B)
Contentment
C)
Professionalism
D)
Intelligence