Chirping pyramid causes schism in ABMTAC

by Barnaby van Usedbeaver

Reporter

The recent expedition to

the Pyramid of Kukulkan in
the Yucatan by Professor
Fuzzy-Ball Leftweasel had
some unforeseen repercussions for the
Ambrose
Bierce Mexic a n Tra vel
Agency Cabal.
By observing tourists and other
fauna in the
area, Professor Fuzzy-Ball
Leftweasel
discovered
that the pyramid made a
chirping
noise similar
to that of a
Quetzal bird
when a clapping noise
was made at
its
base.
When Pope
Jaden read
the report, he was astounded
by the unusual occurrence.
Sources close to the pope
quoted him as saying This
is very unusual pyramid behavior. It definitely requires
looking into. Space Lord
Madog Velkor was of a different opinion however. Theres
nothing out of the ordinary
about chirping pyramids. By
my calculations, at least ten
percent of Mayan pyramids

chirp.
With such opposite views
on such an important matter,
the two leaders of the
ABMTAC were sure to lock
horns. Political analysts and
other layabouts opined that

After a brief misunderstanding at a local girls

school, Pope Jaden and Lord
Madog decided to build 1,000
new pyramids to test how
prevalent chirping is in
Mayan-style pyramids. How-

What does this

button do?

this surely spelled the end of

the ABMTAC as a force in
Discordian affairs. Just as
things looked to be coming
to a head however, Bobo the
Chimp intervened. Mr. the
Chimp was quoted as saying,
By Eris men, what the hell
is all this blather about? If you
want to see how statistically
relevant this is in such a small
population, then by all means
go increase the population!

ever, they quickly ran into

trouble acquiring a thousand
building permits. Pope Jaden
explained, It was just too
much paperwork. We were
kinda bummed for a while
before we hit upon a scientific principle used in food
and drug testing. Basically
put, a whole bunch of something all at once is the same
as a little bit of something
over a long time. When we

applied this to the pyramid

problem we realized that we
didnt need to build a thousand Mayan pyramids, we just
needed to build one pyramid,
a thousand times as large as
a Mayan pyramid.
After selecting MonI dont know,
tana as the
dude, this is
site of the
my first day.
pyramid, going on the
theory that
no
one
would miss
the state after it was under the pyramid, Lord
Madog be gan looking
for sources
of rock to
build the
pyramid.
The problem is finding large
amounts of
Another day
pyramidat the lab.
grade rock
at a good
price. We heard the British
had a great deal of it at
Gibraltar, but so far we have
not reached a deal. As soon
as I can get them to return
our calls, Im sure a deal will
be reached.
In the meantime, a new
debate has arisen in ABMTAC
that may soon grow to similarly large proportions:
should the pyramid be topped
by an eye or not?

More Editorial BS:

Why nothing really matters, part 2 of 2.

None of this has any point.

None of it, in any way. I can see why
people want a God, and a Jesus. They
want it because they need something
to cling to, something larger than
themselves to say that they have
meaning. Whether or not such a
force exists is a moot point, because
in the absence of something even
larger (and more importantly, outside of; it takes at least two shades
of color to make a picture) than it, it
has no meaning itself. Things have
meaning only in relation to other
things, which are themselves meaningless because they also rely on
other things to give them meaning.
People want to mean something. Its a part of them somehow.
Its why people are afraid to die. They
cannot bear to think of leaving without having meant something, without having had a goal and having
accomplished that goal. And yet,
they must die. The solution that
they reach, which allows them to
feel that their lives have had meaning, is to narrow the scope of their
existences - in their own minds - so
that they see themselves as relating
only to a finite set of things. One of
these things will be biggest, will be
the external, defining element. So

long as the scope is thusly narrowed,

they can believe that they have a point
and that they matter, and they can die
content.
Most people are raised with such
a narrowed scope. There are those
who choose to step beyond it, but
many of them are no less in error where error is defined as not seeing
the picture in its fullest since - than
those who never dream that there
might be more. The reason is that
they widen the scope by a certain
amount, and then say to themselves,
Ive seen it all, I am satisfied, and
stop right there. Theyve taken a step
and called it a mile; they delude themselves and are content. Anyone who
goes a certain distance and then stops
is doing the same. Theres no end to
the journey, that being to widen ones
perception to the fullest, because there
is no fullest. Those who follow this
path - and they do so often because
they are simply no longer capable of
stopping, whatever their desire may
be - are forced to face the fact that
everything is essentially meaningless.
They must either stop at some point
and accept the illusion that the scope
is finite, or they must somehow overcome the desire for a purpose. Those
who do neither are in for a rough trip.

? is a production of the
Ambrose Bierce Mexican Travel
Agency Cabal. We at the ABMTAC
have a sneaking suspicion that
there are far more (self-proclaimed) Discordians out there
than most people think. This
newsletter is intended to provide Discordians with the knowledge that yes, there really are
more of us, and that yes, we really Do Stuff. We hope that it also
serves as a means of contacting
fellow Discordians. Were also
kinda hoping that its fun to read.

Would you like to discover

further editions of this newsletter lying in wait in your mailbox
on a semi-regular basis (for
free, of course)? Good! That
means the subliminal programming was a success fnord! Email
your postal address to:

principia6@catholic.org
The net is currently the only
reliable way to contact us, as we
are frequently out of the country doing various and sundry

Ask
Bobo!

,
an Saint
i
d
r
o
c
s
i
lD
, officia
p
m
i
h
C
the
u!
Let Bobo problems for yo
r
solve you

Hey Bobo! I know Im not alone when I say that this whole Clinton
scandal thingie is confusing the hell out of me. One side says its all
Clintons fault and he should be impeached. Another side says that its a
vast right-wing conspiracy set on discrediting the president. Youre a
pretty happening guy, can you tell me whose fault all this really is?
-Chandrasekr Snodgrass, Boise Idaho
Well Chandrasekr, I think we all have to ask ourselves: whats
wrong with Clinton sleeping around with a few sluts if he wants too? I
think the only ones who are to blame here are the American people. By
their pathological phobia of their own sexuality they have forced a man
to lie in order to protect his livelihood. Theyd prefer to force people to
conform to their own unnatural standards rather than take a look at thier
own desires. Hell, this whole thing has raised my opinion of Clinton! Just
look how long hes been sleeping around without alerting the watchdogs
of morality. The American people deserve everything they get, and Ill
be laughing when theyre the first against the wall when the revolution
comes.

Are you in a political or moral dilemma? Do you need help

with embarrassing personal issues? Let Bobo the Chimp,
patron saint of something-or-other, help you! Send your
questions to saint_bobo@catholic.org.

things that you need not know

about until its too la... er... until
we decide its time to tell you the
good news. You can visit our astoundingly cool web site at:
members.xoom.com/ABMTAC
Or, visit our new site at:
www.eriswerks.org

Would you like to submit

something for the newsletter?
Good! Less work for us! Send it
to the email address previously
mentioned.
Did you fail to receive your
copy of our first issue, or perhaps receive only a purple
sheet of paper? If so, this is because the US Postal Service is in
league with the Bavarian Illuminati. Some newsletters were
accidentally detached from
their cover sheets. This time,
were using more staples.

December

1998

Bureaucracy is your friend

by Timothy Sutter

25th day of Bureaucracy.

I suppose some of these high falootin' people
think that bureaucracy is a bad thing.
that's just because they don't know good enough
to take the time to take a nap.
and bureaucracy simply reminds people
that if they won't take a nap
that they *can* be forced to do so.
just stand there and wait impatiently
see if bureaucracy cares one little bit.
when you could be using that
valuable time to take a nap.
just like red lights when there are no cars coming
you could take a quick nap.
but, these grayfaces don't see the beauty in bureacracy.
it's all geared towards providing you with
a reasonable justification to take a nap.
yer not supposed to squander this opportunity
worrying that you won't get home
to martini time on time.
and fidgetting yer fingers in a mad futile
attempt to make the earth spin a little faster.
it just won't go any faster, and you should
be taking this opportunity to take a nap.

DOH!

A few errors were

made in our previous issue. First of all, it was
said that Sondra London
was Kerry Thornleys
wife, which was not
the case. Someone somewhere implied that she
was, and we didnt
check up on it. Fortu-

December

nately, Sondra London

did not read the issue.
Furthermore, the
name of the man who
spotted the chimpanzee
in leiderhosen at the XDay event in July was
not Ezekiel Afghanistan
but Aleister Bofrumply,
and he was not a man at
all but a shrubbery.
Lastly, we have re-

1998

ceived strongly worded

correspondence from the
legal team of Mr. Wizard, who objects to our
use of the name Mr.
Wizard and the thusly
implied implication that
Mr. Wizard condones or
endorses the launching
of cabbages via rocket
propulsion. His implication that our use of his

name implicity implied

his approval of cabbagelaunching is, frankly, ludicrous, as the public is
well aware that all Mr.
Wizard episodes which
explored the use of
rocket propulsion and/or
napalm made use of puppies, kittens and baby
seals, not cabbages or
other vegetables.

WHEN

RULED

by Madog Velkor

. . . .

THE EARTH

It is only because of my findings

of
our and expensive looking gizmo
respect for those who paeleobotanical expedition in out of his backpack and began
suffered as a result that I now Wales last year, I had no idea waving it around the entrance
relate these events to you. To that I would be discovering of the caverns. Hmmm, he
think that but a few short days something that would shake said in response to the many
ago I considered cabbages to the very foundations of science beeps emanating from the
be a part of a well-rounded itself. I joined the team, Dr. device. Fascinating, he
meal for many people in the Houng, Dr Lowwe, and Prof. proclaimed as he examined the
world, not realizing that the Fuzzy-Ball Leftweasel, shortly multitude of flashing lights on
simple cabbage
the face of the
was once the
doohickey. According
master of the
to my calculations, this
Earth.
Of
cavern is over 70
c o u r s e ,
million years old!
everyone already
Are you sure,
knows
that
doctor? I asked. I
prehistoric
suspected that he was
cabbages, like
just making it up, trying
most
semito impress me, but I
intelligent
wasnt sure.
plantlife, were
Yes, of course I
once
much
am, he said. Dr.
larger and more
Houng and Prof.
ferocious than The cave painting found in the lair of the ancient cabbage
Fuzzy-Ball Leftweasel
they are today. civilization, as recorded in the notes of Professor Fuzzy-Ball both seemed to agree
However, my Leftweasel.
with him, so I let the
visit to the site of recent caverns, but Dr. Lowwe matter drop. My worries were
excavations in Wales have stopped him.
eased somewhat, for anything
turned up some startling
Wait, we know nothing that may be inside would surely
evidence that ancient cabbages of these caverns. They could be in deep slumber or have
were much more evolved and be mere mineshafts or the hide died of boredom by now.
intelligent than anyone had ever out of local smugglers or
Not having had the
suspected.
bandits. I really should foresight to bring batteries for
When the Ambrose Bierce perform some sort of tests our flashlights, we were forced
Mexican Travel Agency Cabal before we enter. With that, to make crude torches out of
first sent me to investigate the Dr. Lowwe pulled a complex some old dinosaur bones we

found and some tapestries

from a local manor. In
hindsight, I can see that this
was plainly a bad idea, but at
the time we were to excited
to pay any mind to the foul, ill
smelling wind coming our of
the caverns. As we entered the
cavern, each of us could feel a
foreboding sense of doom, as
if some ancient unspeakable
evil permeated the very fabric
of reality in the cavern.
However, being Discordians,
and with the exception of
myself, British, we promptly
ignored this feeling, trusting in
Eris to make the journey
strange if not safer. Upon
entering the caverns we found
that the walls were covered in
oily wet goo that gave off a
foul odor.
Euch! This slime is nasty,
proclaimed Dr. Houng.
Indeed, said Prof.
Fuzzy-Ball Leftweasel. Ive
never come across anything
like this before. Perhaps we
should gather some of the goo
for further study.
Wanting to add to the
wondrous science happening
More importantly, I added,
what the hell is that giant
multi-tenticular monstrosity

December

1998

that theyre worshiping? Id

sure hate to run into one of
those!
Dr. Lowwe was the
hardest hit by the discovery,
however. He had spent his life
attempting to disprove the
theories
of
cabbage
intelligence, and now all his
work had been for nothing. I
can see now that the strain was
too much for him, and he had
quietly lost his mind while we
were marveling at the cave
paintings. Laughing madly, he
pushed us aside and began
assaulting the paintings with a
portable pressure cannon. As

he did this, the whole cave

began to shake. A foul blast
of air came simultaneously
from all the tunnels connecting
to the cave, extinguishing the
torches and causing our fire to
die down to mere embers. In
the flickering half light, I could
see snake-like tentacles enter the
cave, casting about for some
poor victim. One of them
caught hold of Dr. Houng,
crushing him with ease.
Another tentacle wrapped
around Dr. Lowwe, dragging
him scream into the darkness.
As a third tentacle came for
me I was filled with a sense

of doom. I reached for

anything that could be used as
a weapon. Eris must have been
with me that day, for my
questing hand found my trusty
Salad Shooter. The being was
stricken with horror by my
culinary arsenal and allowed
me the opportunity to escape.
I wandered in the dark
caves for hours. I am sure that
had I let go of the Salad
Shooter for even one second
the fiend would have had me,
but I persevered and eventually
found my way out of the
stygian depths. Just as I exited
the caverns mouth, the earth

gave a great shutter, and the

opening collapsed behind me.
I know not what became of
Prof. Fuzzy-Ball Leftweasel,
but I fear that he has become
the latest victim of the eldrich
horror worshiped by the urcabbages. 5 million years. That
was how long the cabbages
had ruled the planet. What had
become of them? Had they
died with the rest of the
abominations of the past, or
had they escaped, fleeing to the
stars? Whatever the answer to
my questions were, I knew that
I was damn lucky to escape
with my life.

Strange things are afoot at catholic.org

The people at catholic.org run a webmail service similar to that of Hotmail that is intended for Catholics. Being one of the first to discover this,
naturally I signed myself up for the email address thepope@catholic.org. Recently my beloved email address was deleted, and I wrote a quite
carefully worded letter of inquiry. The exchange between myself and the webmaster of catholic.org follows; my stuff is italicized, his isnt.
- Jaden
I cannot log into my catholic.org webmail account, presumably because it was canceled. My user ID was
thepope, so I can see how someone there might have found it offensive. My intent in using that
username was merely to have a novel email address that would be easy to remember; I certainly didnt
mean to offend anyone. At any rate, I received no warning that it would be deleted, and so I have lost
several pieces of email stored on the catholic.org server that are very important to me. Is there any
way that I could be allowed access to my inbox for one more day, so that I might save those emails
locally?
If, and only if, you answer this correctly:
1) where should one look to find a godess?
2) what would her name be (greek AND roman)?
3) what must one do on a friday?
4) if you were to write a book about this, what would be its title?
-Earle
[email address deleted]
Catholic Online (805) 869-1000

^
/.\
/ - \

My reply, in which I answered his questions, garnered this response:

Fnord there are more of Us than you think fnord.
The password is (now):
[deleted this]
you may change it to anything you like.
Whelp, so long, and thanks for all the fish!
FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD

December

1998

Principia Discordia author Kerry Thornley dies

Kerry Thornley, also
known as Omar Khayyam
Ravenhurst and Ho Chi Zen,
passed away on November 28,
1998. After a drawn-out battle
with the fatal disease
Wegeners granulomatosis,
Thornley went into cardiac
arrest during a visit to
Crawford Long Hospital in
Atlanta, Georgia for an emergency bladder operation and

died at 1:15 a.m.

Thornley is probably best
known to readers of this newsletter as a co-author of the
Principia Discordia. He was
also the author of Zenarchy
and The Idle Warriors, among
other things. The Principia
was certainly not Thornleys
last word on philosophy and
politics.
Shortly before his death,

Thornley said to his friend

Sondra London that he felt
like a tired child home from
a very wild circus, a reference to a favorite passage
from the Principia written by
Greg Hill:
And so it is that we, as
men, do not exist until we
do; and then it is that we
play with our world of existent things, and order and

disorder them, and so it shall

be that Non-existence shall
take us back from Existence,
and that nameless Spirituality
shall return to Void, like a
tired child home from a very
wild circus.

by Mephistopheles F. Jones
Reporter

and Madog Velkor of the

Ambrose Bierce Mexican
Travel Agency Cabal, a
Discordian organization of
some repute, happened to be in
attendance,
and were
the only
ones to
investigate
t h e
rupture.
Explaining their
presence
at
the
concert,
J a d e n
s a i d ,
Space
L o r d
Madog
Velkor amassed in the nearby
Andromeda galaxy a sufficient
number of depleted-uranium
Cheetos to cause them to
collapse inward and create a
new black hole. The Cheeto
particles were quantum linked
to particles here in Ybor City,
and the experiment went exactly
as planned: the breach formed
here. I suppose we could have
done it in the lab, but we
thought we might as well see a
concert while we work.
At Jadens urging, Velkor
inserted a partially-eaten

Cheeto into the anomaly. To the

surprise of anyone who might
have been observing were he
or she not occupied with
drinking, the Cheeto emerged
from the other side of the breach
with the previously-eaten
portion restored.
When
reached
for
interview the following day,
Jaden said, It was just as wed
suspected. The anomaly is a
bridge of sorts to an alternate
reality which is reflexive to our
own. Ours is a universe of Stuff,
theirs of Unstuff. When the
Cheeto was inserted into the
bridge,
Stuff-Unstuff
transferrance occurred between
our Cheeto and its Unstuff
unduplicate, restoring the
delectable snack item to its
pristine glory. We had been able
to produce this effect on a
subatomic level in our

laboratories previously, but

now that this
bridge
has
been relocated
to
our
facilities, our
research will
be
greatly
enhanced.
We l l
never run out
of snack food
again, added
Velkor.
T h e
A B M TA C s
future plans
for
this
anomaly and
a
n
y
technologies
which may be
derived from it
remain
a
mystery.

Summer before last I did

this internship downtown. I
was leaving for the day, walking out of the building and
down the street, and I saw
this homeless man walking
by. He didn't have a sign
around his neck that said
"homeless" or anything, but
he had that sort of ragged
look about him that homeless
people do. And I looked and
I saw that he had blue feet...

not a little bit blue but a lot,

a deep blueberry blue that
went all the way through,
and he had a perfectly good
pair of big black boots slung
over his shoulder by the laces.
I wondered why he didn't
wear them. And there I was,
standing on the corner wearing this suit, and feeling like
an asshole. Because he had
blue feet.
- Jaden

To read more about this, visit

http://www.sondralondon.com/
new/thornley/rip.html

Dimensional anomaly forms at concert

During the course of a
concert by hit post-rock band
Red Fish Theory in Ybor City,

Florida, a rupture in the fabric

of space-time approximately the
size of a kumquat appeared on
stage.
The rough-edged anomaly
shimmered with a bluish-white
light, dazzling concertgoers.
The members of Red Fish
Theory, apparently unfazed,
finished the set before leaving
the stage.
Because most audience
members had no prior
experience in dealing with such
affairs, they made their way
immediately to the bar. Jaden

December

1998

ABMTAC
holds mock
Y2K riots
Ever looking to the future, the Ambrose
Bierce Mexican Travel Agency Cabal
recently held an invitation-only mock riot to
assess the ramifications of widespread
mayhem on the eve of the millenium. At
right, drunken rioters stumble toward the
buffet line.

The burning of buildings, items and unpopular persons is to

be expected in any millenial riot. Obviously, riot police will
require intensive training to resist the mesmerizing effect
of the flames.

Protective gear should be worn to reduce the chance of injury due to brutal
police beating. Those planning to be on-planet as the new millenium is rung in
are advised to stock up on milk. as ABMTAC analysts predict that a milk
shortage will be the factor which instigates 87% of all Y2K riots.

Careful research has revealed that compact

cars are an inappropriate means of transportation in riot situations.

December

1998

YOU ARE HERE

Between AD 550 and AD 555, fearing a Mongol invasion, the

Emperor put together the Manchuria Project. He was warned by
eminent philosophers that exothermic chemical reactions were real,
and that alchemists would soon be capable of a sustained burning.
For five years the alchemists and philosophers of the Manchuria
Project labored feverishly to refine a weapons-grade gunpowder and
an instrument to deliver it in battle.
Wo Fat, after witnessing the test detonation of the first explosive,
remarked, "I have become Reagan, the destroyer of minds."
The rest is history.
"oh, rip my heart out. spread it on a triscuit."
- Timothy Sutter