A Newsletter by

Discordians for
whoever will
read it

July 1998
Issue 1, Vol. 1

FR
EE

Behemoth Rising
Fiction - we think - by Petter Mrtensson

The human race will

begin solving its problems on
the day that it ceases taking
itself so seriously.
- Malaclypse The Younger
Principia Discordia

buildings that surrounded him,

the neon lights of the casinos
dark and the streets empty and
silent. It was Las Vegas, he knew
that much, since he and Jefferson
had spent a lot of their spare time

HAIL ERIS!

Early Bavarian
Illuminati mind
control device
I'm an angel. I kill
newborns while their mamas
watch. I turn cities into salt. And
occasionally, when I feel like it,
I tear little girls apart. And from
now till kingdom come... the
only thing you can count on...
in your existence... is never
understanding why.
- Gabriel
Gods Army
James Lovejoy stared at the

here. He remembered all the good

times they used to have,
gambling with government
money - the taxpayers had to
sacrifice something for the
Better Good - and the ladies that
would escort them home after a
lucky streak. He remembered that
sweet girl, Alice he thought her
name had been, that he had met.
Oh, she was pretty indeed. The
breasts, and the lips, the erotic

Continued on Page 6...

Invoking this paradigm

does not mean that one
worships Chaos, as one would
a God - or endorses Chaos in
the form of willful acts of
disorder or destruction, as a
social philosophy. It is just a
way of saying that CHAOS
RULES: there it is. Chaos has
its own virtual certainty that
outlasts every attempt at
Order. It is Chaos that allows
Order to exist. Every time we
notice the Chaos still everpresent beyond the thin veil of
Order - the Dropshadow behind
the Illumination - Archangel
and Penumbra - we
acknowledge its power and
presence, just to be on the side
that is winning. And so we the
avatars
of
modern
Discordianism
not

discouraged or defeated by
Chaos, but rather affirmed and
endorsed - greet you with a
hearty HAIL ERIS! to which
one of a like mind might
respond, ALL HAIL ERIS
DISCORDIA!
Her Elestriousness
The Horrendest Discordian
The above was given us by Sondra
London, aka Elestria. Sondra London is known for her controversial
writing on the topic of serial killers.
She is also married to Kerry
Thornley, who, along with Greg Hill,
was one of the principal writers of
the Principia Discordia.
Have a look at
http://www.sondralondon.com
and
http://www.sondralondon.com/
new/thornley/thornley.html

In this issue...

Why nothing has any point

Advice on selecting a deity
Rocket-propelled cabbages
Random Photos
The X-Day fiasco
Angels with dirty wings
Fnord

Editorial Hogwash:
Why nothing really matters, part 1 of 2.

My current model for the nature of the universe is that it is a

point, a dimensionless constuct. Its
like a single mirror with nothing
opposing it to reflect, and that mirror is the only thing in existence.
According to the big bang
theory (although this still works
without it), the universe is expanding. As matter and space expand,
they create reality in their path. So
the boundaries of reality increase,
although not at the expense of the
Nothing outside reality, since
theres an infinite amount of that
by definition. The big bang theory
is talking about the universe, but
the same holds true no matter how
many orders of magnitude up you
want to take it (since you cant run
out of Nothing).
So, zoom out to the largest
definition of the universe/reality. Ill
call that Existence. Outside of Existence is Nothing. Not little-n nothing, but Nothing.... the absence of
even the possibility of Something.
Looking at Existence as a
whole, theres only one. Just one
Existence. Since outside that Existence is Nothing, there isnt anything to hold Existence up to in

comparison. Thats what makes it

a zero-dimensional point. Thinking of Existence as a sphere floating in blackness muddles things...
Nothing doesnt have any dimensions, there cant be a sphere floating in it because that would be
three-dimensional. So, any dimensions are entirely internal to Existence.
Since Existence cannot be
compared to anything else (there
isnt anything else), it has no point.
For something to have a point, it
needs to relate to other things. If I
eat a Swiss Cake Roll, the point of
my action may be to fuel my cells
and continue to live. So within Existence, internally, things can have
a point. But in the broadest sense,
Existence doesnt have any point.
Something which makes me
like that theory is that it continues
to remain sound (or as sound as it
is now, you may debate that) even
if some other philosophy or religion is 100% true. Because Existence is completely all-encompassing, it would be inclusive of God.
So the universe could have a point,
as defined by God, but Existence
(God + universe) lacks a point.

? is a production of the
Ambrose Bierce Mexican Travel
Agency Cabal. We at the ABMTAC
have a sneaking suspicion that
there are far more (self-proclaimed) Discordians out there
than most people think. This
newsletter is intended to provide Discordians with the knowledge that yes, there really are
more of us, and that yes, we really Do Stuff. We hope that it also
serves as a means of contacting
fellow Discordians. Were also
kinda hoping that its fun to read.

Would you like to discover

further editions of this newsletter lying in wait in your mailbox
on a semi-regular basis (for
free, of course)? Good! That
means the subliminal programming was a success fnord! Email
your postal address to:

principia6@catholic.org
The net is currently the only
reliable way to contact us, as we
are frequently out of the country doing various and sundry

Ask
Bobo!

,
an Saint
i
d
r
o
c
s
i
lD
, officia
p
m
i
h
C
the
u!
Let Bobo problems for yo
r
solve you

Dear Bobo,
With all the trouble and discord in the modern world, my wife and I have
been considering investing in a religion. After doing a little research and
talking with a few brokers I became very confused. With all the choices
available today, how can my wife and I choose a deity that fits our needs?
- Seeking Salvation, Djibouti
Well dear reader, its a sad fact that in todays world a deity who isnt
omniscient and omnipotent just isnt worth the investment. This leaves a
handful of big name gods, with Jehovah/Allah in the forefront. However, I
caution against worshiping any of these gods, as they are all wanted criminals. Dont believe me? Well, consider the so-called good Samaritan
laws now present in many US cities and strange foreign lands such as
France. Basically, they state that a witness to a crime must lend aid to the
victim and attempt to stop the crime to the extent of their ability, as long as
he dont put himself in unreasonable danger. Not only have gods such as
Jehovah violated this law, but they have done so many times. Being omniscient, they see all crimes as they are committed. Being omnipotent, they
posses the power to stop all those crimes with no danger to themselves. Yet
they do nothing, flagrantly violating the law. For this reason, I feel that God
cant be trusted and should not be worshiped. As smaller gods just dont
cut it today, religion is a very poor investment and should only be undertaken for its entertainment value. I also urge all my readers to write to their
Congressman and Attorney Generals [or their equivalent in your country of
residence - Ed.] demanding that something be done to apprehend these
criminal gods, the worst repeat offenders in the universe.
things that you need not know
about until its too la... er... until
we decide its time to tell you the
good news. You can visit our astoundingly cool web site at:

Would you like to submit

something for the newsletter?
Good! Less work for us! Send it
to the email address previously
mentioned.

members.xoom.com/ABMTAC

Wed like to thank the following hep cats for submitting

stuff and helping us distribute:

There you will find a complete,

scanned copy of the Principia
Discordia, Discordian propaganda, info on the upcoming 6th
Edition of the Principia
Discordia, and links to
Discordians all over the place.

Slag the Pitlion

HoL
Micheal Nelson
Petter Mrtensson

July 1998

Mr. Wizards

Atom

n
e
h
c
t
i
K
ic Soup

Advancing mad
science for a
better tomorrow!

s many Discordians are aware, cabbages now rest on the shoulders of most of society. Recently, one such vegetable
attempted to infiltrate the Ambrose Bierce Mexican Travel Agency Cabal. The daring ruffage posed as a member of
the Church of the SubGenius, but members of the ABMTAC soon realized that it was not nearly stupid enough to be what it
claimed. We were forced to take immediate action. As it was also X-Day, when those little flying saucers were due to arrive and
destroy the Earth, we decided to sacrifice the cabbage in defense of the planet. Read on, and experience the wonders of
science.
It was determined that the bottom of the cabbage would
make a more aerodynamic nose. Thus, a sharp knife was
used to cut a cylindrical hole in the top of the cabbage. An
Estes model rocket engine was then inserted into the hole
and pounded in tightly.

Next, four identical balsa wood fins were cut using a pen knife.
Four vertical slits were cut at even intervals along the sides of
the cabbage to accomodate the fins. There was some question
as to whether the fins would remain properly attached, but the
cabbage was firm enough to hold them securely when they
were inserted into the slits. Three small balsa wood legs were
added at the base of the cabbage to allow it to stand.

July 1998

Predictably, the flight characteristics of the cabbage were unpredictable. Note the flame and billowing
smoke being emitted from the posterior of the cabbage. We are speculating that the blurring effect
was caused by the unusual spacetime distortion properties inherent to cabbages.

The cabbage finally came to rest, impacted into the

ground. Miraculously, none of the fins were damaged.
Note the absence of the rocket engine; that shot,
flaming, fifteen feet out of the cabbage when the small
charge designed to eject the parachute in a model
rocket was fired.

Since the cabbage obviously was not injured seriously

enough by its flight, Madog, official Space Lord of the
ABMTAC, smashed it to bits against a brick wall. Let
that be a lesson to you, cabbages.

nd so it was that the insidious cabbage infiltration of the ABMTAC was squashed. As a side note, the cabbage acheived
low Earth orbit, where it impacted a plasma vent on the lead X-ist pleasure saucer. Our scientists speculate that this caused
a plasma backflow which destroyed the central guidance computer for the entire fleet, thus averting the destruction of the
Earth. Although this was not the intention of the ABMTAC in launching the cabbage, we are rather glad, because the Earth is
where we keep all our stuff.

July 1998

X-ist pleasure
saucers crash
SubGenii puzzled over cause of crash
by Mephistopheles F. Jones
Reporter

On July 5, hundreds of followers

of the SubGenius religion gathered
at the Brushwood Folklore Center in
Sherman, New York to be rescued
by alien flying saucers from the
supposed destruction of the Earth.
The official Church of the
SubGenius, headed by Reverend Ivan
Stang and a man calling himself
Jesus, organized the gathering.
According to SubGenii mythology, an
extra-terrestrial race known as the
X-ists planned to destroy human
civilization on the morning of the 5th
and feed on the human souls
released by the massive casualties.
Seventeen alien spacecraft
were spotted over the Sherman area
at approximately 7 am. As the
saucers approached the Folklore
Center, their motions became erratic,

and it became clear that they had

gone out of control. All of the saucers
then plummeted to the earth, the force
of the impact lodging them into the
ground. Nothing was observed
entering or exiting the spacecraft,
and none of the SubGenii present
were injured.
When Air Force personnel
arrived approximately 20 minutes
after the crash, all 17 saucers had
mysteriously disappeared, leaving
behind large craters in the ground.
An unidentified group of Discordians
appeared, the members of which
distributed Erisian propaganda to the
disheartened SubGenii. The
SubGenii, when Stang attempted to
calm them, coated their leader in
motor oil and pink feathers and threw
him into a nearby lake.
Ezekiel Afghanistan, a Sherman
resident who lives next door to the

Folklore Center, witnessed a strange

event taking place in the midst of the
crash. There are some trees in
between my house and where the
saucers were crashing, said
Afghanistan. I was looking through
them at the ships, and then I noticed
there was this chimpanzee dressed
in leiderhosen swinging from a tree
branch and shouting Argwuffle!
Argwuffle! or something. I dont
know why, but that creeped me out
more than all them UFOs.

The SubGenii, a fringe pseudoreligious group which was created

approximately 50 years ago, is
dedicated to the worship of a clip-art
image of a pipe-smoking man
named Bob Dobbs and to the
acquisition of slack. Slack,
according to the Church, is a state of
being in which an individual need
not do any work he does not
personally wish to do. Members of
the Church maintain that they were,
in fact, rescued by the saucers.

restroom say they witnessed the

winged being fondling Quetzlcoatl.
I dont understand what the
fuss is all about, said Mauritanius
Fitzgerald, head priest of
Quetzlcoatls church. An angel
visited this boy, and he was doing
the Lords work. It is not our part,
as men and women of faith, to
question the motives of God. The
laws of the state do not apply here,
whatever the police may say. If it
is true that the angel touched
young Edwards private parts, then
he surely did so in a wholely holy
manner. If the Lord should bid me
to fondle young boys, I would do it
without a second thought.
Divine or no, said Roswell
detective Miguel Uranus, if this

guy is on United States soil, he is

subject to United States law. We
cant have supernatural entities
running amok in the streets,
fondling children and whatnot, now
can we?
Although many patriotic
songs, such as the national
anthem, and documents, such as
the Declaration of Independence
and even the one dollar bill
suggest that the United States
exists under God, no special
provisions exist in law for
representatives of said deity. When
asked about the absence of
regulations
governing
supernatural activities, a
spokesman at the White House
replied, All of this God-fearing

business is crap, quite frankly.

Candidates for President or
Congress have to do the humble
servant of the Lord bit to be
elected, and they know that. They
also know that the voters are too
stupid to hold them to any of that
humanitarian, decent human
being garbage once theyve
already been elected. Just so long
as the economy is good and the
voters can tell themselves theyve
made a stand for their values,
everythings fine. All of thats off
the record, of course.
Anyone seeing a tall, bearded
man with white robes and large
feathered wings should report his
whereabouts to the Roswell Police
Department immediately.

Saucer-shaped alien spacecraft crashed in Sherman, New York on the

5th. The cause of the crash remains a mystery.

Choir boy touched by an angel

by Mephistopheles F. Jones
Reporter

Police in Roswell, New

Hampshire were called in on
Sunday to investigate claims that
a nine year old boy, Edward
Quetzlcoatl Jr. III, was visited by a
supernatural entity earlier that day.
He was wearing long white
robes, and he had a beard and a
glowing gold halo, said
Quetzlcoatl. Oh yeah, and he had
these big-ass wings.
Police are investigating
reports that the alleged angel
talked Quetzlcoatl, a member of
his churchs youth choir, into
accompanying him into the
bathroom. Other choir members
who followed the pair into the

July 1998

aura that just hung around her

like a cloud of smoke around a
smoker.....
Jefferson had shot her. The
image of her lying bleeding in the
alley next to their
hotel was still
sharp inside
Lovejoys mind.
The blood.....he
never knew that
there could come
so much blood
out of a hole that
small......
But that had
been ten years
ago at least.
They
had
covered their
tracks as they
were trained to
do and could
return
to
Washington DC
the day after. Not
one question
asked. He had
seen Alices face
on a carton of
milk
once.
Missing it said. He didnt buy
milk for weeks afterwards in case
he would see those eyes again.
They stared at him when he tried
to sleep.
But what was he doing in
Las Vegas? Last he could
remember he was in Washington,
falling asleep next to the $50
hooker. His wife had gone to her
mothers for the weekend and
she had taken the kids with her.
Had he been drugged? And why
were all the lights out? Las Vegas
never slept.....
Lovejoy started to walk
down the street. He looked down
at his feet and saw that he wasnt
wearing any shoes. It felt rather
odd, but at the same time right.
One shouldnt wear any shoes
in holy places, he thought. And
this place is holy. A woman died

here. I killed her. That makes it

holy. Holy blood. Like Jesus.
Suddenly he could hear
laughter. It cut through the
silence like a knife through butter

lost all their money and left town

with their heads held low. Where
the dice rolled, the cards were
dealed and sin prospered. James
Lovejoy loved the place. He

her shirt showed a generous

amount of flesh. Lovejoy tore his
eyes from her breasts and looked
at the tray she held in her hand.
It was occupied by an ashtray
and a couple of books.
The ashtray was
round and clean of
cigarrettes. It showed the
classic ying-yang sign,
except for the fact that the
black and white spots
had been replaced by an
apple and a pentagon.
Wondering what it could
mean he looked up to see
the waitress madly
grinning at him. She
handed him one of the
books, and he accepted
it. She had started to
scare him.
Then he looked at
her namesign. Then he
looked up again.
This
isnt
happening, he said.
*******

and tore right through his heart.

Its beautiful. Ive never heard
something that beautiful in my
entire life.
The sound came from one
of the casinos. Its neon lights
were dark as well, but light
streamed out from the inside and
onto the pavement. It looked as
if the light had became solid, and
Lovejoy would have to climb
over it to reach the other side.
But as he stepped into the light
its warmth spread into his body
and up to his head. He
felt.....alive. Something he hadnt
done since that night, ten years
ago.
Las Vegas, the town of
broken dreams and last hopes.
Where people who already had
money gambled for more money,
where people who had money

walked up the stairs to the

casino, wearing his expensive
Armani suit and his new, wellpolished shoes. He was the king
of the world, and he was here to
conquer.
He reached the top of the
stairs, walked past the guard
who nodded at him and into the
casinos main hall. The place was
huge - it must have been built
recently - and was filled with
people. The word glamorous
popped into Lovejoys head and
he smiled. He was one of the
beautiful people. He was one of
the chosen ones.
Then he turned and saw one
of the waitresses standing beside
him. She was wearing a mini skirt
that showed a lot of her long
beautiful legs. Her long blond
hair fell over her shoulders and

When seen from

behind, the three persons
standing on the top of the hill
looked like big, muscular men.
Mostly because all of them had
crew cut hair and wore long, dark,
and heavy trenchcoats that
covered most of their figures.
When seen from the front,
though, one could see that two
of them were female, and that the
third wore a featureless mask of
ivory that hid any trace of the
persons gender. They were tall,
over 6 feet, and they were armed.
Im getting tired of
waiting, one of the women said.
She was beautiful, and her nose
was pierced with three rings. She
looked at her two companions
with hard, blue eyes.
Ive been tired of waiting
since this started, the other
woman told her, taking a seat on

July 1998

the damp grass. They have

taken too long a time getting
everything into order. I can see
traces of madness at the edge of
my vision, mocking me. Damn
them. There isnt enough time.
There has never been
enough time, and there never will
be, the first woman said and
looked to the sky. She fingered
her gun absently. And soon all
of this will have to end. Damn
Alabaster and his damn
metaphysics. He is wasting our
time. Action should be taken
now!
The person with the ivory
mask only giggled.
*******
And St. John the Divine
wrote
And they had a king over
them, which is the angel of the
bottomless pit, whose name in
the Hebrew tounge is Abaddon,
but the Greek tounge hath his
name Appolyon. One woe is
past; and, behold, there come
two more woes hereafter.
And then he sighed. Dont
let them fall for it, my Lord. And
he closed his book for the day.
*******
Samuel had waited for this
day for three years. He had been
accepted into the cult when he
was only twelve because the
High Priest had seen the abilities
the boy possessed. He hadnt
been allowed to try any magick
at all yet, and he had never seen
any of the other magicians who
lived in the dark house use it
either. Not once in three years.
He had many times felt that he
had been tricked, and that these
people didnt know anything
about the occult lore they so
often talked about. The only
thing that Samuel had been

July 1998

taught was boring metaphysics

and chaos theory - but most of it
was pure mathematics. He could
have been studying these things
at a normal school.
But tonight it was finally
going to happen. The High
Priest, Noak, had summoned
Samuel to his study two days
ago and told him that they were
going to summon a fallen angel,
and that the young adept had
been chosen to attend. He wasnt
going to do much, except recite
the chant he had been working
on all day. He could feel the hair
on the back of his neck rise.
Sweat broke on his forehead and
he clenched his fists until his
knuckles turned white and his
nails bit into his flesh.
Noak reached within his
robe and produced a long knife
and a white, long, feather. The
knife reflected the dim light as
he raised it into the air. Then he
ran it across his arm and the
blood fell on the feather, staining
it. With a booming voice he
recited some magick words and
held the feather above his head.
Servant of the dark,
servant of the fallen, come to
us.... he began. Samuel had
never felt such a rush in his entire
life. But then Noak suddenly fell
silent.
Ok, thats enough, the
High Priest said and lowered his
arm. I suppose we have gotten
your attention so you might as
well come. I could mumble magick
spells all night and make you
come here by force. But I see no
reason to do that, because it
would just be annoying for both
of us.
Samuel was shocked. That
was not the proper way to adress
a fallen angel. Where were the
dramatics, the magick?
Something formed inside
the circle. At first it seemed like
smoke, but slowly it became more

substantial. A cold wind blew

through the room, and a terrible
smell hit Samuels nostrils. He
had to turn his face and cover
his nose to stop himself from
throwing up. For a moment he
thought he heard the beating of
great wings.
The smell receded and
Samuel looked back at the circle.
Inside it stood a tall man, but he
didnt look as the angel the
young boy had expected. He
didnt have any wings and he
didnt wear clothes that suited
an angel. Instead he wore a
brown trenchcoat (he could at
least be wearing a black one,
Samuel thought), blue jeans and
heavy boots. His hair was blond
and fell over his shoulders. But
his face was so beautiful, and
Samuel didnt doubt for a second
that this was the one they had
wanted. The fallen angel.
You are right, Noak, the
angel said pointing at the High
Priest. Rituals can be so boring.
I usually just watch the humans
make fools out of themselves.
Then I come. Laughing. The
angel and Noak smiled at each
other. It has been ten years,
magician. This is the fifth time
you summon me. I think I should
kill you for that.
Another day, Memmon,
Noak said. You are bound within
the circle. The angel kept on
smiling. But that is not why I
have summoned you, the High
Priest went on. You probably
can think of why. There has been
a major magickal flux on the
divine level during the last
week. I would really like to know
what has been going on.
Magickal flux? Memmon
asked, and his smile widened.
Thats what they call it these
days? Ah, nevermind. It hasnt
been a very good week, Ill tell
you that. And now this.... The
angel sighed. But OK. I will tell

you what has happened.

A new angel has been
born.
*******
And on the eighth day, God
wept, because he saw that which
he had created was foul and
unholy. And he saw the humans
do war upon each other with
weapons of iron and fire. And
he raised his mighty hand to
smash it to pieces. But then Eris
came to him and spoke; dont
be angered, old man. Your time
is at an end. What you have
created is foul and unholy. But I
see the humor in it. So I will take
control of your world from this
day forth. And then she fell
silent.
And God stopped weeping
and rejoiced. But he saw that
Eris was the goddess of
Confusion, and since God is very
wise he felt that balance was
needed. So he called upon Eriss
counterpart to make things
more
interesting.
This
counterpart was called Aneris.
Aneris was the god of Order. And
from that day Disorder and
Order have been opposed, the
eternal struggle that holy men
call the Sacred Chao.
- Cabal of Turbulent Discord
The Book of Holy Words
chapter 1.
*******

To be continued!
Check out The Holy Order
of the Fisher Queen, maintained by Petter, at:
http://fisherqueen.ml.org

Ambrose Bierce

Mexican Travel Agency

ABMTAC

Orlando

.
..
g
n
i
r
u
t
a
Fe

ant To!
W
u
o
Y
You Know

Visit us at

http://members.xoom.com/ABMTAC

Principia Discordia 6th Edition Project

Spiffy 100% scanned Principia Discordia, if you like that sort of thing
The mysterious origins of Bobo the Chimp
Home base of this very newsletter
Detailed, no-nonsense explanation of just what a fnord is
Discordian propaganda and stuff
More weird clip art

Are you tired of your dog running away, getting lost, tangling its leash in shrubberies, and
being all-around cumbersome? The problem is
obvious: dogs have legs!
With the fantastic new RollerPup from
GrayPhase, Inc., inconvenient pets are a thing
of the past! For the amazingly low price of
$19.95, your exisiting dog can be converted
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RollerPup!
Call 1-800-NO-LEGS today!

LOGIC
n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and
incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion -- thus:
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as
quickly as one man.
Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds;
therefore -Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, by
combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are
twice blessed.
- Ambrose Bierce, The Devils Dictionary

go ahead, pin it up on your fridge, ass hole. - Timothy Sutter