When I was younger I had believed in the idea that if someone was on death row they

must have done something horrible like killed and raped 12 pre-teens. I thought, if they took
multiple peoples lives away why shouldnt they also get theirs taken from them? I used to
consider that justice. I also used to believe that prison was this really cushy place where inmates
had access to TVs, foos ball, a great library, education and health care, etc. So why not make
them pay for their crimes? Why should they live out there days in a place like that with our tax
money when we could save all that money and just kill them on death row? Arent certain crimes
deserving of death? Like I said younger pre-third grade me would agree completely. Third grade
and up me was more confused on what I thought. I wasnt sure anymore of what justice was but I
certainly had lost my faith in the justice system.
In third-grade my step brother was murdered. But to make things more complicated he
was intentionally murdered by his best friend. I felt so many different things at that time:
sadness, anger, shock. But one of the feelings that stuck out like a sore thumb was one of care.
As my family and close friends lost themselves in the common reaction of anger, I started to
think about my step brothers best friends family. I thought about how they too are losing
someone to a certain extent. As people made comments like I want him to die or I hate him or I
want him to suffer. The main thought that would surface for me was the thought of the
murderers mothers reaction to him dying or him suffering. But the first time I posed something
hinting towards these thoughts I was shut down by my family. I was told Brenda, he is a bad
man and he deserves to suffer and be punished. When later in life I felt safe enough to voice this
idea again to a friend they questioned the love I had for my brother. Society and the people
around me encouraged me to hold on to hate and resentment and truly awful feelings toward this
person. Society viewed my anger and hate as justified. I held onto those feelings and anytime

that little voice in me brought up his humanity I pushed it out and destroyed it because that was
easier. Not only was it easier to hold on to my anger on a personal stand point, it was easier
because society made it easier. Society and the people around me actually reacted more
acceptingly towards my feelings when they were hateful.
It wasnt until spring 2011 when I took this class at Fairhaven called Genocide that I was
forced to face this inner battle. In this class it talked about the things that lead to genocide like
hate and not seeing the humanity in people which I had done to my step brothers murderer in
my own mind. It talked about how and why we justify this anger and hate which leads us to
believe in justified violence. The class readings talked about so many things that can create
perpetrators of genocide. Many of the things that pushed these perpetrators were things I was
able to see in myself when it came to my step brothers murder. I went through so much selfreflection and turmoil that quarter. I was learning about all the hurt that comes from genocide
and relating that to what I had been wishing on another human being. Genocide hurts the victims,
it hurts the survivors; its one of the most horrific things that this planet has seen. In my mind I
was seeing myself and my anger as hateful and as justified as the perpetrators of genocide feel. I
even had the societal and family backing for my anger and hate like that of the group mentality
that occurs in genocide. I even drew connections to the what ifs that I had thought about
growing up. What if my step brothers murderer was killed? How would that impact his family?
Would my familys pain and anger and hate go away if he was killed? The answer I came to was
no. What if his killer had to suffer, how would that impact his family? Would that make mine feel
better? Still my answer was no. My family would not feel better and another family would be
hurting like mine. Why does his family have to suffer like mine had to? In either situation I still
dont have my step brother, in either situation killing this young man or making him suffer

doesnt do me, my family, his family or him any good. Im not saying he should walk free with
no punishment. But I no longer thought that him dying or suffering would make me any bit more
happy. That was a lie I told myself because it was easier to hate him than to forgive him and see
him for what he was: a human. He wasnt just a killer; he was a son, a nephew, and many other
things other than that one label.
Another thing that was influenced me in that class revelation as well as my stance on the
death penalty is the fact that I have been on both sides. I also have an uncle that has killed
someone. But to me he is my uncle, not a killer. But to another family he is labeled the murder of
their loved one. They too probably wished horrible things on my uncle, the uncle that I love
dearly. The pain I felt about losing my brother was how someone else was feeling because of my
uncle. The anger and hate and suffering I wished on my brothers killer was what someone else
was probably wishing on my uncle. My uncle is not just a killer; he is also a brother, a husband
and a cat lover. I know that my uncle isnt just this horrible person, he is a person who did
something horrific, yes, but he is still a person. This also pushed me to reevaluate my anger and
forced me to come face to face with my hate as well.
In that class I came face to face with my strong and hateful emotions that were
indescribable. That feeling terrified me because it is feelings like that that continue the cycle of
hate and violence. That cycle of hate and violence you can also find in historical things that lead
to genocide. I know it sounds corny but the only way to break that chain was to forgive and to
allow myself to acknowledge the humanity in all people.
So when it comes to the death penalty, I do not support it. The death of that person is
something we justify but does that make anybody feel better? Who is actually reaping any

benefits from it? The family will still be hurting and another family will go through loss, yet they
wont have the ability to grieve deemed justifiable to society. If a mother said her son died,
society would feel bad for her but if her son was put to death because he killed others would
society still hold sympathy for her?
Im not saying forgiveness or seeing someones humanity is easy either in a situation like
this because it isnt easy, its something I need to remind myself of sometimes. This can be hard
when you have people and society whispering things in your ear like if you forgive his killer you
didnt really love or care about your brother. If you forgive him and see him as person you must
not care that you have a niece and nephew without a father. None of that is true. I do love my
brother and I hate the fact that he is gone! But in hating another human that only hurts me and
perpetuates things I dont want to perpetuate. Hating him is easier because dealing with these
other ideas is messier, its more complicated. It disrupts the idea of right and wrong, black and
white, the good guy and the bad guy. But there is no black and white, I have only found
variations of grey. There is a reason why conflict resolution isnt pushed for as much as it should
be in very high stress, angry situations. I think its because its harder to do than to allow yourself
to just be justifiably angry in your eyes.
Other factors that push me to disagree with the death penalty are: knowing how many
people on death row have been found to be innocent, gaining more knowledge of what prisons
and jails are really like for inmates, and how I have learned about how rehabilitation is a much
better way to break a vicious cycle of violence than punishment, something I wish our justice
system would learn too.