DeathKnocks

byWoodyAllen
Theplaytakesplaceinthebedroomof
theNatAckermans'twostoryhouse,
somewhereinKewGardens.The
carpetingiswalltowall.Thereisabig
doublebedandalargevanity.The
roomiselaboratelyfurnishedand
curtained,andonthewallthereare
severalpaintingsandanotreally
attractivebarometer.Softthemmusic
asthecurtainrises.NatAckermans,a
bald,paunchyfiftysevenyearold
dressmanufacturerislyingonthebed
finishingofftomorrow'sDailyNews.
Hewearsabathrobeandslippers,andreadsbyabedlightclippedtothe
whiteheadboardofthebed.Thetimeisnearmidnight.Suddenlyweheara
noise,andNatsitsupandlooksatthewindow.
NAT:Whatthehellisthat?
(Climbingawkwardlythroughthewindowisasombre,capedfigure.The
intruderwearsablackhoodandskintightblackclothes.Thehoodcovers
hisheadbutnothisface,whichismiddleagedandstarkwhite.Heis
somethinglikeNatinappearance.Hehuffsaudiblyandthentripsoverthe
windowsillandfallsintotheroom.)
DEATH(foritisnooneelse):JesusChrist.Inearlybrokemyneck.
NAT:(watchingwithbewilderment):Whoareyou?
DEATH:Death
NAT:Who?
DEATH:Death.ListencanIsitdown?Inearlybrokemyneck.I'm
shakinglikealeaf.
NAT:Whoareyou?
DEATH:Death.Yougotaglassofwater?
NAT:Death?Whatdoyoumean,Death?
DEATH:Whatiswrongwithyou?Youseetheblackcostumeandthe
whitenedface?
NAT:Yeah
DEATH:IsitHalloween?
NAT:No

DEATH:ThenI'mDeath.NowcanIgetaglassofwateroraFresca?
NAT:Ifthisissomejoke
DEATH:Whatkindofjoke?You'refiftyseven?NatAckerman?One
eighteenPacificStreet?UnlessIblewitwhere'sthecallsheet?(He
fumblesthroughpocket,finallyproducingacardwithanaddressonit.It
seemstocheck.)
NAT:Whatdoyouwantwithme?
DEATH:WhatdoIwant?WhatdoyouthinkIwant?
NAT:Youmustbekidding.I'minperfecthealth.
DEATH(unimpressed):Unhuh.(Lookingaround)Thisisaniceplace.
Youdoityourself?
NAT:Wehadadecorator,butweworkedwithher.
DEATH(lookingatpictureonthewall):Ilovethosekidswiththebig
eyes.
NAT:Idon'twanttogoyet.
DEATH:Youdon'twanttogo?Pleasedon'tstartin.Asitis,I'm
nauseousfromtheclimb.
NAT:Whatclimb?
DEATH:Iclimbedupthedrainpipe.Iwastryingtomakeadramatic
entrance.Iseethebigwindowsandyou'reawakereading.Ifigureit'sworth
ashot.I'llclimbupandenterwithalittleyouknow...(Snapsfingers)
Meanwhile,Igetmyheelcaughtonsomevines,thedrainpipebreaks,and
I'mhangingbyathread.Thenmycapebeginstotear.Look,let'sjustgo.It's
beenaroughnight.
NAT:Youbrokemydrainpipe?
DEATH:Broke.Itdidn'tbreak.It'salittlebent.Didn'tyouhear
anything?Islammedintotheground.
NAT:Iwasreading.
DEATH:Youmusthavereallybenengrossed.(LiftingnewspaperNAT
wasreading)"NABCOEDSINPOTORGY."CanIborrowthis?
NAT:I'mnotfinished.
DEATH:ErIdon'tknowhowtoputthistoyou,pal...
NAT:Whydidn'tyoujustringdownstairs?
DEATH:I'mtellingyou,Icouldhave,buthowdoesthatlook?Thisway
Igetalittledramagoing.Something.DidyoureadFaust?
NAT:What?
DEATH:Andwhatifyouhadcompany?You'resittingtherewith
importantpeople.I'mDeathIshouldringthebellandtraipserightinthe
front?Where'syourthinking?
NAT:Listen,Mister,it'sverylate.

DEATH:Yeah.We'llyouwanttogo?
NAT:Gowhere?
DEATH:Death.It.TheThing.TheHappyHuntingGrounds.(Looking
athisownknee)Y'know,that'saprettybadcut.Myfirstjob.I'mliableto
getgangreneyet.
NAT:Now,waitaminute.Ineedtime.I'mnotreadytogo.
DEATH:I'msorry.Ican'thelpyou.I'dliketo,butit'sthemoment.
NAT:Howcanitbethemoment?IjustmergedwithModisteOriginals.
DEATH:What'sthedifference,acouplebucksmoreorless?
NAT:Sure,whatdoyoucare?Youguysprobablyhaveallyour
expensespaid.
DEATH:Youwanttocomealongnow?
NAT(studyinghim):I'msorry,butIcannotbelieveyou'reDeath.
DEATH:Why?What'dyouexpectRockHudson?
NAT:Noit'snotthat.
DEATH:I'msorryIdisappointedyou.
NAT:Don'tgetupset.Idon'tknow,Ialwaysthoughtyou'dbe...un...
taller.
DEATH:I'mfiveseven.It'saverageformyweight.
NAT:Youlookalittlelikeme.
DEATH:WhoshouldIlooklike?I'myou'redeath.
NAT:Givemesometime.Anotherday.
DEATH:Ican't.Whatdoyouwantmetosay?
NAT:Onemoreday.Twentyfourhours.
DEATH:Whatdoyouneeditfor.Theradiosaidraintomorrow.
NAT:Can'tweworkoutsomething?
DEATH:Likewhat?
NAT:Youplaychess?
DEATH:No,Idon't.
NAT:Ioncesawapictureofyouplayingchess.
DEATH:Couldn'tbeme,becauseIdon'tplaychess.Ginrummy,
maybe.
NAT:Youplayginrummy?
DEATH:DoIplaygunrummy?IsParisacity?
NAT:You'regood,huh?
DEATH:Verygood.
NAT:I'lltellyouwhatI'lldo
DEATH:Don'tmakeanydealswithme.
NAT:I'llplayyouginrummy.Ifyouwin,I'llgoimmediately.IfIwin,
givemesomemoretime.Alittlebitonemoreday.

DEATH:Who'sgottimetoplayginrummy?
NAT:Comeon.Ifyou'resogood.
DEATH:AlthoughIfeellikeagame...
NAT:Comeon.Beasport.WE'llshootforahalfhour.
DEATH:Ireallyshouldn't.
NAT:Igotcardsrighthere.Don'tmakeaproduction.
DEATH:Allright,comeon.We'llplayalittle.It'llrelaxme.
NAT(gettingcards,pad,andpencil):Youwon'tregretthis.
DEATH:Don'tgivemeasalestalk.GetthecardsandgivemeaFresca
andputoutsomething.ForGod'ssake,astrangerdropsin,youdon'thave
potatochipsorpretzels.
NAT:There'sM&M'sdownstairsinadish.
DEATH:M&M's.WhatifthePresidentcame?He'dgetM&M's,too?
NAT:You'renotthePresident.
DEATH:Deal
(Natdeals,turnsupafive)
NAT:Youwanttoplayatenthofacentapointtomakeitinteresting?
DEATH:It'snotinterestingenoughforyou?
NAT:Iplaybetterwhenmoney'satstake.
DEATH:Whateveryousay,Newt.
NAT:Nat.NatAckerman.Youdon'tknowmyname?
DEATH:Newt,NatIgotsuchaheadache.
NAT:Youwantthatfive?
DEATH:No.
NAT:Sopick.
DEATH(surveyinghishandashepicks.):Jesus,Igotnothinghere.
NAT:What'sitlike?
DEATH:What'swhatlike?
(Throughoutthefollowing,theypickanddiscard.)
NAT:Death.
DEATH:Whatshoulditbelike?Youlaythere.
NAT:Isthereanythingafter?
DEATH:Aha,you'resavingtwos.
NAT:I'masking.Isthereanythingafter?
DEATH(absently):You'llsee.
NAT:Oh,thenIwillactuallyseesomething?
DEATH:Well,maybeIshouldn'thaveputitthatway.Throw.
NAT:Togetananswerfromyouisabigdeal.
DEATH:I'mplayingcards.

NAT:Allright,play,play.
DEATH:Meanwhile,I'mgivingyouonecardafteranother.
NAT:Don'tlookthroughthediscards.
DEATH:I'mnotlooking.I'mstraighteningthemup.Whatwasthe
knockcard?
NAT:Four.Youreadytoknockalready?
DEATH:WhosaidI'mreadytoknock?AllIaskedwaswhatwasthe
knockcard?
NAT:AndallIaskedwasisthereanythingformetolookforwardto.
DEATH:Play
NAT:Can'tyoutellmeanything?Wheredowego?
DEATH:We?Totellyouthetruth,youfallinacrumplingheaponthe
floor.
NAT:Oh,Ican'twaitforthat!Isitgoingtohurt?
DEATH:Beoverinasecond.
NAT:Terrific.(Sighs)Ineedthis.AmanmergeswithModisteOriginals
...
DEATH:How'sfourpoints?
NAT:Yourknocking?
DEATH:Fourpointsisgood?
NAT:No,Igottwo.
DEATH:You'rekidding.
NAT:No,youlose.
DEATH:HolyChrist,andIthoughtyouweresavingsixes.
NAT:No.Yourdeal.Twentypointsandtwoboxes.Shoot.(Death
deals.)Imustfallonthefloor,eh?Ican'tbestandingoverasofawhenit
happens?
DEATH:No.Play.
NAT:Whynot?
DEATH:Becauseyoufallonthefloor!Leavemealone.I'mtryingto
concentrate.
NAT:Whymustitbeonthefloor?That'sallI'msaying!Whycan'tthe
wholethinghappenandI'llstandnexttothesofa?
DEATH:I'lltrymybest.Nowcanweplay?
NAT:That'sallI'msaying.YouremindmeofMoeLefkowitz.He'salso
stubborn.
DEATH:IremindhimofMoeLefkowitz.I'moneofthemostterrifying
figuresyoucouldpossiblyimagine,andhimIremindofMoeLefkowitz.
Whatishe,afurrier?
NAT:Youshouldbesuchafurrier.He'sgoodforeightythousandayear.

Passementeries.Hegothisownfactory.Twopoints.
DEATH:What?
NAT:Twopoints.I'mknocking.Whathaveyougot?
DEATH:Myhandislikeabasketballscore.
NAT:Andit'sspades.
DEATH:Ifyoudidn'ttalksomuch.
(Theyredealandplayon.)
NAT:What'syoumeanbeforewhenyousaidthiswasyourfirstjob?
DEATH:Whatdoesitsoundlike?
NAT:Whatareyoutellingmethatnobodyeverwentbefore?
DEATH:Suretheywent.ButIdon'ttakethem.
NAT:Sowhodid?
DEATH:Others
NAT:There'sothers?
DEATH:Sure.Eachonehashisownpersonalwayofgoing.
NAT:Ineverknewthat.
DEATH:Whyshouldyouknow?Whoareyou?
NAT:WhatdoyoumeanwhoamI?WhyI'mnothing?
DEATH:Notnothing.You'readressmanufacturer.Wheredoyoucome
toknowledgeoftheeternalmysteries?
NAT:Whatareyoutalkingabout?Imakeabeautifuldollar.Isentmy
twokidsthroughcollege.Oneisinadvertising,theother'smarried.Igotmy
ownhome.IdriveaChrysler.Mywifehaswhatevershewants.Maids,
minkcoat,vacations.Rightnowshe'sattheEdenRoc.Fiftydollarsaday
becauseshewantstobenearhersister.I'msupposetojoinhernextweek,so
whatdoyouthinkIamsomeguyoffthestreet?
DEATH:Allright.Don'tbesotouchy.
NAT:Who'stouchy?
DEATH:HowwouldyoulikeitifIgotinsultedquickly?
NAT:DidIinsultyou?
DEATH:Youdidn'tsayyouweredisappointedinme?
NAT:Whatdoyouexpect?Youwantmetothrowyouablockparty?
DEATH:I'mnottalkingaboutthat.Imeanmepersonally.I'mtooshort.
I'mthis,I'mthat.
NAT:Isaidyoulooklikeme.It'slikeareflection.
DEATH:Allright,deal,deal.
(Theycontinuetoplayasmusicstealsinandthelightsdimuntilallisin
totaldarkness.Thelightscomeupagain,andnowitislaterandtheirgame
isover.Nattallies.)
NAT:Sixtyeight...onefifty...Well,youlose.

DEATH:(dejectedlylookingthroughthedeck):IknewIshouldn'thave
thrownthatnine.Damnit.
NAT:SoI'llseeyoutomorrow.
DEATH:Whatdoyoumeanyou'llseemetomorrow?
NAT:Iwontheextraday.Leavemealone.
DEATH:Youwereserious?
NAT:Wemadeadeal.
DEATH:Yeah,but
NAT:Don't"but"me.Iwontwentyfourhours.Comebacktomorrow.
DEATH:Ididn'tknowwewereactuallyplayingfortime.
NAT:That'stoobadforyou.Youshouldpayattention.
DEATH:WhereamIgoingtogofortwentyfourhours?
NAT:What'sthedifference?ThemainthingisIwonanextraday.
DEATH:Whatdoyouwantmetodowalkthestreets?
NAT:Checkintoahotelandgotoamovie.Takeaschvitz.Don'tmakea
federalcase.
DEATH:Addthescoreagain.
NAT:Plusyouowemetwentyeightdollars.
DEATH:What?
NAT:That'sright,Buster.Hereitisreadit.
DEATH(goingthroughpockets):Ihaveafewsinglesnottwenty
eightdollars.
NAT:I'lltakeacheck.
DEATH:Fromwhataccount?
NAT:LookwhoI'mdealingwith.
DEATH:Sueme.WheredoIkeepmycheckingaccount?
NAT:Allright,gimmewhatyougotandwe'llcallitsquare.
DEATH:Listen,Ineedthatmoney.
NAT:Whyshouldyouneedmoney?
DEATH:Whatareyoutalkingabout?You'regoingtotheBeyond.
NAT:So?
DEATH:Soyouknowhowfarthatis?
NAT:So?
DEATH:Sowhere'sgas?Where'stolls?
NAT:We'regoingbycar!
DEATH:You'llfindout.(Agitatedly)LookI'llbebacktomorrow,and
you'llgivemeachancetowinmymoneyback.OtherwiseI'mindefinite
trouble.
NAT:Anythingyouwant.Doubleornothingwe'llplay.I'mliabletowin
anextraweekoramonth.Thewayyouplay,maybeyears.

DEATH:MeantimeI'mstranded.
NAT:Seeyoutomorrow.
DEATH(beingedgedtothedoorway):Where'sagoodhotel?WhatamI
talkingabouthotel,Igotnomoney.I'llgositinBlickford's.(Hepicksup
theNews.)
NAT:Out.Out.That'smypaper.(Hetakesitback.)
DEATH(exiting):Icouldn'tjusttakehimandgo.Ihadtogetinvolved
inrummy.
NAT(callingafterhim):Andbecarefulgoingdownstairs.Ononeofthe
stepstherugisloose.
(And,oncue,wehearaterrificcrash.Natsighs,thencrossestothebedside
tableandmakesaphonecall.)
NAT:Hello,Moe?Me.Listen,Idon'tknowifsomebody'splayinga
joke,orwhat,butDeathwasjusthere.Weplayedalittlegin...NoDeath.In
person.OrsomebodywhoclaimstobeDeath.But,Moe,he'ssuchaschlep!
CURTAIN