Revision #3 9/12

Revision #1 9/8 RESPONSE IS IN ALL CAPS Babcock take 4

AEC Chart for

Babcock comments
Onlinetake 3
Submission
Revision #2 9/10

(THE CHART MUST BE WRITTEN

IN PHRASES AND/OR BULLETS!
NO COMPLETE SENTENCES! DOUBLE SPACE EVERYTHING!) Once created, you will be required to
use our little colored half sheet to assist you on your commentary development
I dont know if you knew this, but if you go to the review tab at the top, and change simple
mark up to all markup you will see bubbled comments I made to you
Thesis Information:
Author:_Audre Lorde____________________
Prompt Name: _Fourth of July___________
Rhetorical Mode: _Narrative______________
Subject: _forced out of childhood_________
Audience: _Those blind to the harsh, unjust
reality of Americas racism_GOOD! of what?
Occasion: _Trip to Washington D.C.__________
Tone: _Outraged, disgusted______________
Shifts: _Tone_____ shifts from ___excited,
eager about the trip to Washington D.C___ to
_disgraced, disgusted by the events that
unfolded that proved the prominence of the
racism _____
Purpose: _raise awareness by recounting
how her childhood was ripped away from her
Exemplify the Irony in the idea of American
Freedom due to racism_(this is interesting
and it works I like it) okay, I see what your

problem is you went really big with your

purpose and applied that to humanity the
purpose is what she is telling us so how her
childhood has been ripped from her while on
this trip, causing her to be forcefully pushed
into adulthood. What you wrote is the why,
so just switch.
To show how her childhood was ripped away
from her.
SQ: _a new and crushing reality (7) if the
above is going to be your purpose, you need
to adjust your SQ_____
Why:_to show how unjust things really
were/are in free America this is a good
start; make it more powerful by
strengthening it a bit._Expose the
prominence of racism in America Exemplify
the Ironicy in the idea (choose a better word
than idea and strengthen due to racism
sounds weak) of American Freedom due to
racism

Thesis Sentence:
Within an excerpt from Audrey Lordes Fourth of July, Lordes narrates how she was forced out
of childhood during her trip to Washington D.C. to those blind to the harsh, unjust reality of
Americas racism, the authors tone shifts from eager about the trip to Washington D.C to
disgraced by the events that unfolded that proved the prominence of racism in order to show
how her childhoos was ripped away from her and the new and crushing reality to exemplify the
irony in the idea of American freedom due to racism. <revise based upon todays discussion on
the thesis statement)

Assertion 1 Concept: _______________

Jillian Rose Cruz 3A

Author:
Assertion Concept:
To/by Statement: (basic verb: to prove)
Purpose/why:
Assertion Sentence:

ADJ + DEVICE + TEXTUAL EVIDENCE:

COMMENTARY:

1.

WRAP BACK

2.

WRAP BACK

3.

WRAP BACK

Assertion 2 Concept: _Parents avoidance of the harsh reality_

Adverbial Clause (Trans. +Previous Ass idea): When her parents dismiss any racism towards
them,While Lorde uses scorching diction to describe the brightness of the trip,
Author: Audre Lorde
Assertion Concept: Parents avoidance of the harsh reality
To/by Statement: (basic verb: to prove) To prove To demonstrate how she was sheltered away by
her parents from the unjustness of the racism in their life by her parents
Purpose/why: To further prove how her childhood was ripped away from her you have to vary
your phrasing; it cant be word for word the same as the thesis purpose; it needs to have the
essence of it but using different words To expose the irony of Americas concept of freedom THIS
IS EXACTLY LIKE YOUR PURPOSE REVISE To use her narrative as motivation for her audience to
see her perspective of racism in America <-this is really good, but make sure that you state
what her perspective is. that racism negates the freedom said to be for all Americans.
Assertion Sentence:
Jillian Rose Cruz 3A

EVIDENCE:
ADJ:_ Unknowing (the author) AWK _
DEV:_Juxtaposition_
TE: mother bright and father brown
(13)
ADJ: symbolic
DEV: Irony
TE: My parents did not approve of
sunglasses (11) CITE
WRAP BACK

COMMENTARY:

1.

2. ADJ:_Protective_
DEV:_Connotation_
TE: Exceptwhat he probably said was
Negro (8) weak device yes, you are
right, but I dont think it is powerful
enough to write on
ADJ: Burdened
DEV: Diction
TE: They handled it as a private woe
(7)
ADJ: Focal
DEV: Shift /Transition Polysendeton <YES! But there is another device you
can bring in to bolster the polysyndeton
as wellwhat is it?
TE: mother had chickensbread
and carrot sticks. (4)
There were marigolds spice bun
and rock-cakes (4)
So I like your TE, but your device is off;
there is a device here that is really
strong and more than enough to write
on (there are actually 2 devices that
work hand in hand here)

Jillian Rose Cruz 3A

Previous paragraph details excitement

about trip suddenly starts talking
about all of the food in narrative,
serves as distraction by parents how?
Show me, do not tell me explain how
this is done children focused on food,
not to question why they arent eating
in the dining carts to keep the
attention away from the racism
apparent in the train (by not being able
to eat in dining carts) <-you need to
discuss the TE ?<-I need you to discuss
the Textual Evidence as well as the
device keep it focused on the device
and the TE and the assertion and the
purpose eliminate everything else
Reinforces the prominence of the overprotective parents being overprotected makes her outrage intensify
later why she wants to expose the
American racism <-you dont see that
here at all
Please explain how the device works (so
I know that you know it is what you say
it is). You need to discuss the device
and how the device proves the
assertion idea and thus the purpose.
Topic before is just about the trip
shifts to details about the food
Uses and a lot to slow the reading
making the food stand out more (this is
the first time you discussed the device
I need you to do way more of this kind

of commentary - explain how the

device works within the confines of the
TE
WRAP BACK
3.

ADJ:_Ignorant_
DEV:_Metaphor_
TE: We were a proper caravan (13)
ADJ: Annoyed
DEV: Tone
TE: As usual,she ignored. (5)
WRAP BACK
4. ADJ:_ secretive unknown _awk adj;
pick a new one still awk Deceitful
DEV:_Repetition/DICTION _
TE: in private - givenin private
Daddy explainedin private (6) specify
what word is repeated
They handled it as a private woe (7)
<-I would like to see you break down
this quote only and not focus on the
repetition but of the wc of private and
woe- there is another device here that
you can use So I get that you want me
to do this separately and I will, but 1)
where should I put it? And 2) I dont
know what wc is ??
WC= word choice
Just use the They handled it as a
private woe as your TE here delete
everything else because that is the
strongest EV you have here I would,
however, not focus on the repetition of
private there is also another device
that can help bolster your analysis of
diction focusing on woe and private <apply this to your commentary here and
I will then give you feedback

WRAP BACK

Jillian Rose Cruz 3A

Repeated: (in) private emphasizes

parents wanting to keep everything
private deceiving to Lorde
Father wanted to keep quiet about it
SO WHAT? Suggests a secret- in this
case, the racism in America HOW?
parents attempt to prevent the
exposure of the truth about the racism
secrecy causes Lordes experience to
intensify how? because she is
unaware of just how prominent of a
problem racism is everything is kept
private
to shelter the daughters (including
Lorde) from the white majoritys
persecution
Racism is kept almost a secret from
Lorde, has hard time accepting the
truth leads to anger wants her
narrative to explain how America
doesnt really have freedom for all -why is this in quotation marks? Only use
quotation marks for things you pull
directly from the text.
I am seeing really minimal discussion
about the device please bring the
device into your discussion!