Original thesis/claim: Holdens unpredictable and unstable emotions isolate and ultimately

limiting his social interactions; while Davids isolation originally leads to his feeling lost and
alone, until he discovers himself by accepting change; proving that establishing stable
relationships determines each characters ability to accept change.

Revised thesis/claim: Holdens unpredictable and unstable emotions isolate him, and ultimately

limit his social interactions, while Davids isolation originally leads to his feeling lost and alone
until he discovers himself by accepting change-proving that establishing stable relationships
determines each characters ability to accept change.

Original body paragraph from page three: Similar to Holden, David from Pleasantville lives in
isolation that limits his social interactions resulting in him feeling alone. David remains isolated
in school as he stands outside imagining himself talking to a girl. Davids dream of talking to her
exemplifies his isolation as he stands outcasted. David remaining an outcast suggests he cannot
fit in with groups in his school and limits his social interactions as he fears rejection from others.
David feeling uncomfortable among others also leads to his isolation at home and his minimal
interaction with his sister and father. Davids isolation through school and his minimal
interaction to build friendly and family relationships result in his feeling alone and reflect similar
to Holden.

Revised body paragraph from page three: Similar to Holden, Davids isolation limits his social
interaction resulting in him feeling alone. School represents one of the many areas David
remains alone as he stands outside imagining himself talking to a girl. This daydream of talking
to her exemplifies his isolation as he stands outcased in the courtyard away from everyone

around him. Standing alone suggests he cannot fit in with groups in his school and limits his
communication with others as he fears rejection. Feeling uncomfortable among others also leads
to his solitude at home and minimal connections with his family. Struggling with separation in
school and little family-bonding to form relationships results in his feeling alone and similarly
relates to Holden.

The highlighted changes were made to vary my syntax to not start every sentence with David. I
also changed the syntax through the paragraph to avoid using the same words repetitively.